Asshole Fuckface Roundup #103
Welcome to National Asshole Fuckface Day. It happens every Friday, because its the best holiday of all time. To prepare for Asshole Fuckface Friday, I scour the news looking for the worst humans alive. When I find them, I drag them into the light for people to mock and laugh at. I am like Gandhi. This week I discovered an especially heinous group, as usual, so put on your muck boots because this is going to be ugly.
First up, an Asshole Fuckface hall of famer.
Michele Bachmann opened her horrible pie hole again and idiocy rolled out, as expected. Apparently, Michele is super concerned about the census, like any right wing extremist would be. First, she declared she wouldnt be filling out her census, which is an awesome stance to take for a lawmaker.
During an interview this morning on Fox News, Bachmann mostly focused on the danger of her personal information falling into the hands of the dreaded menace ACORN.
Could you imagine what would happen is a group of community organizers, who help the poor, found information on a rich, white lady? Holy shit, it would be like Michael Myers getting a hold of your address. But Michele wasnt done.
"Take this into consideration. If we look at American history, between 1942 and 1947, the data that was collected by the Census Bureau was handed over to the FBI and other organizations at the request of President Roosevelt, and that's how the Japanese were rounded up and put into the internment camps. I'm not saying that that's what the Administration is planning to do, but I am saying that private personal information that was given to the Census Bureau in the 1940s was used against Americans to round them up, in a violation of their constitutional rights, and put the Japanese in internment camps."
Totally. Also, youre a rich, white Christian. It's very respectable for a lawmaker to encourage Americans to break the law.
Next up, some potato chip Asshole Fuckfacery.
Its not often people on both ends of a situation are equal Asshole Fuckfaces, but thats what happened this week in Oklahoma. If you are not familiar with Oklahoma, it is like Americas dead appendage.
This week we learned that a man in Oklahoma was having problems with his marriage, so he decided to go to a prostitute. Okay, whatever. Happens all the time. No big deal. But he didnt have any money. He did, however, work for Frito Lay.
Smith told police the man told her he was looking for company but he didnt have any money, so she agreed to be paid with a $30 case of Frito-Lay chips he had in the back of his car.
Yep. He was lucky enough to bump into prostitute Lahoma Sue Smith, who apparently has lowered the value of her vagina to a box of thin, fried potato pieces. Just think what she would do for a box of Skittles.
Next up, some drone Asshole Fuckfacery.
Last week, US drones attacked a Taliban training center in Pakistan where bad guys were supposed to be. Terrorists, stuff like that. People who want to kill people. So, we took them out. In all, 13 died. Thats a good day for drones, right?
A couple of days later, there was a large funeral for the 13 people who died. Thankfully, our drones were there to stop the mourning.
Missiles fired from a U.S. drone at militants after a funeral for a Taliban commander in South Waziristan near the Afghan border killed about 70 insurgents on Tuesday, Pakistani intelligence officials said.
Thatll show you, terrorists. The only way to kill terrorists it to kill everyone around them and kids and stuff.
The chief of the Pakistani Taliban, Baitullah Mahsud, and close associates attended the funeral of a militant commander in the country's tribal areas but left before a suspected U.S. drone attack that killed dozens of people, residents said Wednesday.
Win!
Finally, some Democratic Asshole Fuckfacery.
You can always count on the Democrats to completely fuck shit up. This time they are doing what they can to undermine Obama and blow this opportunity for universal health insurance. Why? Why would the do such a thing when 72% of Americans support Obamas plan? Because they are Democrats. Oh, and they are whores.
The kids over at FiveThirtyEight broke down the numbers and it turns out Democratic Senators positions on health care are greatly effected when they get money from health insurers. Who would have thought?
Lobbying contributions appear to have the largest marginal impact on middle-of-the-road Democrats.
The impact on mainline Democrats appears to be quite large: if a mainline Democrat has received $60,000 from insurance PACs over the past six years, his likelihood of supporting the public option is cut roughly in half from 80 percent to 40 percent.
Sweet. Because when your base wants you to create a public option and your president wants you to create a public option, you should always do what the guys who give you cash want.
Ranking next on the list is Harry Reid, who has taken some $78,800 from insurance industry PACs and who has also yet to articulate a position on the public option in spite of his status as Majority Leader.
Its called leading, people. Reid is a leader.
But the worst of all is Max Baucus. Max is the Senator in charge of the committee coming up with the plan. Hes also the guy in the Senate who has taken the most money from insurers.
As Sen. Max Baucus has taken the lead on health-reform legislation in the U.S. Senate, he's also become a leader in something else: Campaign money received from health-and insurance-industry interests.
In the past six years, nearly one-fourth of every dime raised by Baucus, D-Mont., and his political-action committee has come from groups and individuals associated with drug companies, insurers, hospitals, medical-supply firms, health-service companies and other health professionals.
These donations total about $3.4 million, or $1,500 a day, every day, from January 2003 through 2008.
And its paying off. Max gave the Senate Finance Committee's draft bill to the Congressional Budget Office so they could crunch the numbers on how much it would cost. The CBO came up with a huge number.
The price tag came in at $1.6 trillion over ten years.
Wow. But thats what happens when you give the CBO your draft when IT DOESNT INCLUDE THE PUBIC OPTION. He gave them the bill without the part that reduces cost. Quite simply, this was Max Baucus attempt to turn the public against the health care bill. Hes a Democrat. Hes in charge of the committee working on health care reform and he just tried to kill health care reform because hes a whore.
Go Democrats!
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.
Asshole Fuckface Roundup #85
Hello, Minions. Its been an entire and brutal week since the last Asshole Fuckface Roundup, which means you have spent 6 days in a vacuous wasteland. Thankfully, I am here to remedy the situation. Once again, I have scoured the worlds news to find the worst humans and I will now present them to you for mocking and a bit of vomiting. So, put on your favorite leather apron because this is going to be ugly.
First up, some impressive Utahan Asshole Fuckfacery.
They really make some awesome specimens up in Utah. This weeks Asshole Fuckface is State Senator Chris Buttars. Youre not going to believe this, but the guy with Butt in his name is a Republican and he hates gays. Shocking, I know.
A local Utah TV station got their filthy little mitts on a portion of an upcoming documentary about Californias Proposition 8, in which Chrissie makes some bold and inspiring statements.
To me, homosexuality will always be a sexual perversion. And you say that around here now and everybody goes nuts! But I dont care.
Nuts, I tell you! People almost act like Chrissie is saying something bad. Its crazy!
They say, Im born that way. Theres some truth to that, in that some people are born with an attraction to alcohol.
Totally fucking nailed it. Gay people are like drunks. Gay drunks are like pedophiles. Gay drunk pedophiles are priests. This logic goes on and on, forever. I think you get the point.
Theyre mean! They want to talk about being nice theyre the meanest buggers I ever seen. Its just like the Moslems. Moslems are good people and their religion is anti-war. But its been taken over by the radical side. And the gays are totally taken over by the radical side.
Indeed. Gays are flying their gay planes into our straight buildings. Frankly, it needs to stop.
I believe that you will destroy the foundation of American society, because I believe the cornerstone of it is a man and a woman, the family. And I believe that theyre, internally, theyre probably the greatest threat to America going down I know of. Yep, the radical gay movement.
Word. I think we can all agree that if a man puts his penis into another mans bottom, or takes another mans cock into his sweet, wet mouth, our entire society will crumble. I dont know how anyone can argue anything else. We need to especially keep on the look out for buddy-to-buddy cock rub parties. Once those take hold, you may as well fly this whole country into a building.
Next up, more crazy gay Asshole Fuckface fear in San Diego.
In 2007, four San Diego firefighters were forced to take part in a Gay Pride Parade. Apparently, it was a horrifying experience. So, firefighters Ghiotto, Allison, Kane and Hewitt sued the state for one million dollars each, claiming they were sexually harassed.
Aw, did the gay people think you were gay because you were wearing firefighter uniforms? Listen, gentlemen, youre firemen. You dont have to take part in a gay pride parade for me to think youre gay.
Ghiotto, Allison, Kane and Hewitt were subjected to crude comments, vulgar actions and simulated sex acts.
Oh, noes! Did some gay guys blow kisses at you during a gay pride parade? How did you survive, you enormous fucking cowards?
The men claimed to have had unwanted sexual material delivered to their fire station after the event.
Oh, dear. Obviously we cant have material being delivered via the mail. Someones got to pay for this!
Firefighters ordered to take part in a gay pride parade in California have been awarded damages after successfully suing San Diego city for sexual harassment.
The firefighters were awarded a combined total of $34,300.00 to compensate for lost earnings and emotional distress.
Cool, now we can officially call you queers. Sounds fair.
Next up, an Asshole Fuckface Hall of Famer returns!
Republican Representative Michele Bachmann is an example of what happens to people when they just read the one book. She cant stop her mouth from spouting horrible words. This week was no different. Michele has apparently been doing quite a bit of thinking about the economic crisis we are facing and understands the problem.
"We're running out of rich people in this country."
Fuckin A. Somebody finally had the balls to say it. We are so short on rich people it is insane. Its almost at the point where you dont see a Lamborghini when you make a trip to the soup kitchen.
Was Michele done? Good God no. Her head is a cavern of endless dumb.
Many members of Congress have "a real aversion to capitalism."
Like, they totally dont like it. Only Republicans likey capitalism. And Jesus. He was a huge fan of capitalism.
ACORN is under federal indictment for voter fraud, but the stimulus bill nevertheless gives ACORN $5 billion.
Wow. Its a super double secret federal indictment, because no one else has even heard of it. It is astounding that a group dedicated to community organization would get stimulus money when it should obviously go to rich people which we are totally lacking.
The "Community-Organizer-in-Chief" is also orchestrating a conspiracy involving the Census Bureau, which the president will use to redraw congressional lines to keep Democrats in power for up to "40 years." When the host said he was confused, noting that congressional district lines are drawn at the state level, Bachmann said Obama's non-existent plan is an "anti-constitutional move."
And hes going to turn all the nations unicorns into ducks! Oh, and having been a community organizer is a bad thing. You know, like Jesus Christ.
Finally, were going to close with some awesome Chinese Asshole Fuckfacery.
The economy is not doing so well in China, either. People are losing their jobs, people are losing their fortunes and some poor bastards are being forced to cut back on their mistresses.
A Chinese businessman, who has only been identified as Fan, was forced to pair down his five mistresses to just one. As I said, the economy is a bitch. Fan decided, because he is an Asshole Fuckface, the best way to deal with the layoffs was to hold a contest. Winner gets to keep fucking for rent.
He staged a private talent show in May, without telling the women his intentions. An instructor from a local modeling agency judged the women on the way they looked, how they sang and how much alcohol they could hold, the Shanghai Daily said.
Obviously, Fan is quite the gentleman. The first mistress eliminated was a woman known as Yu.
The judge knocked out Yu in the first round of the competition based on her looks.
Wow. That is really great. Warms the heart, doesnt it? As a 29-year-old woman recently let go from her job as mistress, Yu was obviously upset, so she concocted a plan.
She decided to exact revenge by telling her lover and the four other women to accompany her on a sightseeing trip before she returned to her home province, the media reports said.
Oh, God, dont let her drive
One of the women, eliminated for her looks, drove the man and the four other competitors off a cliff.
First rule of Mistress Elimination Club dont let eliminated women drive. Same goes for American Idol. And Tool Academy.
The spurned mistress died and the other passengers were injured, the reports said.
Well, Im saddened to hear Fan did not die, but excited to learn who will win! Keep us posted, Fan!
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper.
Catch him Friday and Saturday at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco
