I got the Definitive Edition 2 DVD set of Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ from Satya last week. I was living in Japan when it came out in theaters in America. I found the Japanese reaction to the hullabaloo far more interesting than any of the actual debate going on in America. The Japanese didn’t quite know what to make of all the fuss we were making. Kind of the way you and I can’t make heads or tails out of why the Sunnis hate the Shi’ites. When the film came out on DVD in Japan at Christmas time, the ad campaign made unmistakably clear that the Japanese take on Christianity was far different from the American one.



It's pretty hard to see the photo. But the image on the left is of a tired Japanese salaryman carrying a Christmas present to his girlfriend through a crowded train station (it looks like Shibuya to me). The tag line reads something like "Because Christ died, Christmas was born." The Japanese are very into Christmas as a secular holiday, but generally don't know bupkiss about Jesus.

Those of you who read my blog know I’ve always had a strong interest in Christ and Christianity. It was the film Jesus Christ Superstar that first sparked my interest in religion and I’m always up for a good Jesus movie. But I didn’t see The Passion until I rented it on video about six months ago. At that viewing I found it alternately boring and gratuitously gruesome. I ended up fast-forwarding through most of it. But when the 2 DVD edition came out promising loads of extras about the making of the film, the historical research that went into it, a theological commentary and even deleted scenes, I decided it was worth the investment.

As always, I watched the bonus material first. The most interesting section is called "The Legacy." This features short documentaries on various aspects of the film including the language used, the history of crucifixion in the ancient world, and a kind of “where are they now?” of the historical people the characters in the film are based on. This segment was interesting in that, when talking about sacred figures such as the apostles or Mary Magdelene, the producers stuck with the orthodox explanations. For example, though historians are almost unanimous in their opinion that the gospels were not written by the apostles for whom they’re named, Mel Gibson and company insist that they are. On the other hand, in the case of less sacred figures like Herod and Pilate, we’re given explanations that accord with historical scholarship. It’s this kind of attitude that always bums me out about the religious approach. Certain people and events are beyond question and must never be examined thoroughly and dispassionately. Just as the religious view holds that certain aspects of ourselves cannot be looked into or examined.

And while I was very interested in hearing the theological commentary, I was ultimately disappointed. At the outset, Mel Gibson and two Fathers, one of whom is a prof at Loyola Marymount, tell us how they can’t possibly express the depth of the religious meaning of the film in just two short hours. Then they proceed to waste our time commenting about the lighting and the fake fog and all kinds of other shit. I turned it off after half an hour because it was just annoying. I should have realized these guys were never going to point out where Gibson had strayed from the scriptures and why, or any of the real history behind the gospels. Buncha wusses!

As for the film itself there are certainly things to like about it. It’s exceedingly well photographed and the musical score is tremendous. I also like the fact that Gibson chose to present the characters speaking in as close an approximation as possible of the languages they actually used. He says in the commentaries that in the old Hollywood Jesus movies, Jesus is always an American while the bad guys like Pilate and Herod have British accents. I checked out a few of those and he’s right! It wasn't the Jews that killed Our Lord and Savior, it was the Limeys! I also noticed that in previous Jesus movies, Our Lord always has armpits as hairless as Lindsay Lohan’s baby-maker in contrast to the thieves next to him who are as hairy as a Penthouse centerfold from 1975. At least Mel Gibson’s Jesus doesn’t get Brazilian wax jobs.

But, while it’s very cool that he makes these concessions to being historical, Gibson lays on every bit as much Hollywood style gloss as any of his predecessors. Take the famous scourging scene. Please! Has anyone else noticed that every big Hollywood movie since the '70s has been required to have at least one scene that stretches its own premise to the point of complete unbelievability. Like in Superman, they get us to accept a guy that can deflect bullets and bend steel with his bare hands, but that’s not enough. They have to also have him fly around the world backwards so fast he turns back time. Same with the scourging scene in The Passion. First we’re supposed to believe that Jesus is all powerful and can do miracles like sticking a guy’s ear back on after it’s been hacked off. Then we’re supposed to believe that he stops doing these miracles and suffers like anyone else to take away our sins. But then he survives a beating that no human being could possibly have lived through. How come nobody in the movie is astounded at that? Plus that whole scene is so Hollywood. It’s the new trend to show us all the gore they used to save for slasher movies. Like those guys blowing themselves up in Letters From Iwo Jima. It’s as if we’ve become so desensitized as a culture that film-makers think the audience won’t really feel it unless they slam us in the face with whatever it is they’re trying to make us feel.

I was also disappointed in the resurrection sequence. In Cecil B. DeMille’s 1927 epic King of Kings, Jesus materializes in front of the tomb in full color — and this is before color photography had even been invented, so it’s all tinted by hand. Plus he’s got this amazing giant halo around him, just like Mickey Mouse in the old Disney logo. All Mel Gibson gives us is a set of empty robes on a marble slab and Jesus hanging around next to them looking bored. Puh-leeze! I want a real resurrection scene! With all the CGI and crap they have nowadays you’d think they could’ve at least done that.

Mel says he made the film to get us thinking about the true meaning of Christ’s coming. OK, I did. It’s impossible for me to believe that Jesus was somehow a different kind of being than the rest of us, with super powers and a hot line to God that we don’t have. If you take the story that way, I can’t see any useful meaning to it. That idea just allows you to defer responsibility for your own actions onto some mythical figure.

I tend to see Jesus as a guy who knew he had something very, very urgent and deeply meaningful to convey. In order to see to it that the message got out there he voluntarily became part of The 27 Club. You know how the truly iconic rock stars are always dead by age 27? In effect, Jesus died before he had a chance to make any shitty records. Before he went disco or got into fusion or produced his Combat Rock, Jesus had left the building. But his messy death insured that future generations would take his message seriously. Whether they got it or not was a whole different matter. At least they paid attention. The reverence that got heaped upon him later is exactly the same kind of reverence people these days give to Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Bob Marley or even The Beatles who broke up before they got as crappy as the Rolling Stones managed to on their later records. Just multiply that kind of adulation by 2000 years. At the core though, was a young guy who felt so passionately about his message that he was willing to die for it. That’s certainly impressive.

The Passion, on the other hand, is less impressive. In fact I’m not too passionate about it (Har! Bet no one has used that line before!) The goriness, which Mel says is intended to drive home Christ’s message, just goes on for far too long and is way too graphic to drive home anything but nausea. It’s a shame, too, because it gets in the way of what is a rare attempt at depicting the historical scene as authentically as possible. As for the extras on the new Definitive Edition DVD, they are certainly plentiful and very well-made. Yet an over-cautiousness not to offend the faithful — including those who made them in the first place — gets in the way of their being truly useful. For a better take on the history of Christ and his time try Asimov’s Guide to the Bible, John P. Meier’s A Marginal Jew, or just about anything by Bart D. Ehrman.

Brad Warner is the author of Hardcore Zen and the forthcoming Sit Down and Shut Up!. He maintains a blog about Buddhist stuff. If you're in Southern California and you want to try some Zazen for yourself, he has a group that meets every Saturday in Santa Monica.

Alright, I’ve had enough. I'm overwrought. I just finished watching Mel Gibson’s interview with Diane Sawyer, and Mel, seriously, you have to fucking be kidding me! As I sat on my couch watching Mel mug and make contrite faces to Diane Sawyer over the course of his two-part, well-timed pre-‘Apocalypto’ interview, I had to restrain myself from kicking my TV in. Let’s recap shall we…

Mel told Diane Sawyer that when people get drunk, they don’t express themselves correctly.

Mel: "Now when you're loaded, you know, the balance of how you see things — it comes out the wrong way. I know that it's not as black and white as that. I know that you just can't, you know, roar about things like that. That it's wrong."

Really? Really!? Because I’m a bit of a boozer myself. I also love popping pills in tandem. Fuck, I LOVE drugs and alcohol. And when I’m drunk, I might walk up to a woman I don’t know and make an ass of myself as I hit on her while slurring my words. You see, because in reality, if I wasn’t drunk, I’d sit in the corner wishing I could work up the nerve to hit on her.

When I’m drunk, I sometimes lack the necessary judgment to determine whether or not my motor skills are up to the task of me driving home from a bar. Like you, I’ve done it. Not at 90 MPH in a 45 MPH zone, mind you. But I’ve driven drunk. I plead guilty. I am an asshole, and I kick myself for having done it. But I can happily say that I’ve never found myself wasted in the back of a police car blaming the Norwegians for all of the wars in the world. Most Americans have gotten drunk before, Mel. And please spare me the “it’s different for Alcoholics” bullshit. We drunks know that you don’t magically transform into Mr. Hyde when you imbibe. Mel, you on the other hand, gave the world a glimpse of your true secret-drunk identity: Dr. Jackass.

Mel: "Since I was a kid in the '60s, '70s, '80s, '90s and now in the new millennium, you can read of an ever-escalating kind of conflagration over there in the Middle East that… I remember thinking when I was 20, man, that place is going to drag us all into the black hole, you know, just the…the difficulty over there…You start thinking will I ever see my grandchildren grow up? …What's going to become of the world? What's going to press the button?"

Mel, like most of us, seemed to have a childhood that lasted approximately forty years. It was during these formative years -- the 1960’s through the 1990’s, that he focused a lot of his conflagrative concerns on the country of Israel. Now, I’ve been there; they have a couple Jews – it’s true. Anyway, I find that perhaps his focus on Israel (AKA “The Jews”) during this chunk of history might have been a wee bit narrow when you consider the other “minor” conflagrations that happened during this same time period. You know: Vietnam, Cambodia, Pakistan/Bangladesh, Bosnia, the Falklands, Grenada, Nicaragua, Afghanistan, Algeria, North Korea, etc...

Sawyer: "But there's a difference between saying that place is a tinderbox and the constellation of things happening there could take us all down, and saying the Jews are responsible for all the war…”

Mel: "Well, I did"

Sawyer: "The Jews are responsible?"

Mel: "Well. … Strictly speaking, that's … that's not true because it takes two to tango… What are they responsible for? I think that they're not blameless in the conflict. There's been aggression, and retaliation and aggression. It's just part of being in conflict, and being at war. So, they're not blameless."

So, what is Mel saying then, exactly? That the “Jews,” or the “Israelis” (you know, that sovereign “nation” in the Middle East) ARE responsible for all of the wars in the world? And that they’re also really good at a particular form of Argentinean dance? I’m confused -- because if you notice, Mel doesn’t ever really answer Diane Sawyer’s question about his proclamation that the Jews are responsible for “all the wars in the world.” He simply tells Diane that what he meant was that the “Jews” as a people were only partially responsible for one particular war that started and ended abruptly after the country of Israel was attacked by a terrorist group in 2006.

But what about now? Let’s take Iraq for example? Are the “Jews” responsible for that one as well? I thought Weapons of Mass Destruction…no, Sadaam Hussein… no, 9/11…no the Iraqi people’s desire to be Freedom-ized…was/were the responsible party. Look, If George Bush is a Jew, than I apologize. Seriously. But I’m pretty sure he’s not. So can we at least give him credit for ONE war? I’ve even included a cool link to a website that lists all current conflicts in the world. The World At War

If someone can back up Mel’s claim, that the worlds’ Jewish population, consisting of a teensy-weensy 14 million people is responsible for all of these listed conflicts, please email me at gofuckyourself@youanti-semiticpieceofshit.com to discuss further.

It was only after Mel stammered through this "well thought-out" rationalization (while Diane Sawyer watched on in horror) that Mel finally stopped trying to go off script and simply and emphatically stated, that no, he did not believe the Jews were responsible for all the wars in the world. Here in Brooklyn, I swear I could hear his team of LA-based publicists let out a collective sigh of relief.

Moving on…

Mel said something else was bothering him the night he got arrested. I’ll let Mel explain in his own words…

Mel: "The other place it may have come from is, you know, as you know, a couple of years ago I released the film 'Passion.' … Even before anyone saw a frame of the film, for an entire year, I was subjected to a pretty brutal sort of public beating…During the course of that, I think I probably had my rights violated in many different ways as an American. You know. As an artist. As a Christian. Just as a human being, you know…I thought I dealt with that stuff. All forgiveness, but, the human heart's a funny thing. Sometimes you can bear the scars of resentment. And … it'll come out, you know, when you're overwrought, you take a few drinks. There was anger from that, I think. …My resentment stemmed from certain individuals treating me in a certain way."

Hmm. Go on.

"The film came out. It was released, and you could have heard a pin drop, you know. Even the crickets weren't chirping. But, the other thing I never heard was the one single word of apology."

Wow. This man has balls.

Let me take us back a few years, shall I? Two things I won’t deny Mel Gibson: 1) He is a brilliant actor, and 2) He is a shrewd and intelligent businessman. Before the ‘Passion’ came out, Mel, consciously or not, employed an interesting strategy. Basically, he screened his film on many different occasions and publicly stated that he would not allow Jews to see his film at any of these aforementioned screenings. He told the press that he wanted to build a grass roots following for the films’ intended audience: that the film wasn’t quite ready for Jewish consumption.

Naturally, when you exclude one group of people from seeing something, that group will become curious and suspicious. This particular group, which has been victimized in the past, will probably become paranoid as well: maybe even start writing (a couple of us “Jews” seem to find our ways into writing careers) about the fact that they’re being excluded from viewing this certain something. This creates controversy, and speculation, and fear. This is sometimes known as ‘PRESS.’ And Mel got a lot of it. So, his ‘dead language,’ borderline-snuff film got talked about. A LOT. The fact that he wouldn’t show it to the Jews, and the nature of the films’ content pushed all kinds of buttons relating to religion, faith, persecution, and fear. This helped sell a SHITLOAD of tickets. So much so, that it made Mel the wealthiest, most powerful man in Hollywood. Good move. As someone who works in Show Business, I don’t fault the man for selling his one-act gore-fest the only way he could. I was curious. I saw the film. It sucked dick. Whatever. But what Mel did was to bait the Jews; he played on their fears by excluding them. So be it.

That being said, what really set me off during this pre-Apocalypto “apology” interview was when I heard Mel blame (yes, blame) his actions that drunken night on the resentment that he was harboring towards the Jewish people that he had baited years prior: the same people that inadvertently made him a very, very, very wealthy man. And then, the smarmy little fuck had the nerve to whine that no Jews ever apologized to him. I literally shit my own pants. I’m not kidding. They’re in the dumpster downstairs. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? Mel, this is your apology, you oily, slimy piece of shit!? Many Jews feel like victims. This sense of victimhood is shoved down our throats our entire lives. And trust me, I’m not blaming Mel for that; it’s a fascinating and complex part of my heritage, and would take a whole other article to even scratch the surface of. But I will say this to Mel…nicely played! Make yourself, Mel Gibson, the billionaire movie-star, into the victim. Did Fox News write this shit for you?

To sum up the interview: You’re a drunk: boo-fucking-hoo. And clearly, being a drunk can excuse anything, from Pedophilia to Anti-Semitism, to Asshole-ism. And, you’re really, really sorry. And finally, now you’re a victim, too. It was a fucking one-man pogrom for you that night in Malibu, Mel, and you got ass-raped. I’m sorry I was even offended in the first place.

I’ll leave you all with this. Like Mel, I too am an American, I am an artist, and I am a human being. I’m also a Jew. And as a Jew, I refuse to be a victim. That being said, Mel…Mr. Gibson, you can suck my certified circumcised dick.


Jon_Kesselman is the filmmaker responsible for THE HEBREW HAMMER. Jon is still waiting for Mel's phone call.

Letter Of Apology To Mel Gibson

8/23/06

Mel Gibson
Betty Ford Center
39000 Bob Hope Dr.
Rancho Mirage, CA 92270

Dear Mel Gibson--

Let me start by saying that I am a huge fan of your films! Braveheart, Mad Max, The Lethal Weapon movies…god damn, son, are you fucking kidding me!? You are a MOVIE STAR -- with a capital M! And as I reread my own sentence, I’m noticing that there are also other letters that are capitalized in there, too! You ROCK!

So, I’ve been reading a lot lately about your incident in Malibu. Man, talk about media overreaction, right? I personally wanted you to know, that I, Jonathan Kesselman, still think you are AWESOME! I hope the Betty Ford Clinic people are treating you nicely. Is the food good? Tell Courtney Love I said, “What up, yo!”

Anyway, the real reason I’m writing is to apologize. I have to tell you, this is probably the hardest letter I’ve ever had to write in my entire life. As I sit here in front of my keyboard, I’m seriously contemplating whether or not I should even tell you this; however, seeing all of this nasty flack you’re taking for some of the things you said about “certain people” of a “certain ethnic/cultural/religious/” background, I figured I should set the record straight. I’ve been wanting to get this off my chest for some time, and I couldn’t think of a better person to tell than you. So, here goes…

The Jews did not kill Jesus. I did.

First off, I just want to say that I know there a lot of people out there that are probably all pissed off about the dead Jesus thing, and I totally get that. And if it's any consolation at all Mel, I feel really, really awful about the whole situation. But the fact is, I couldn't sit back any longer, and allow the Jewish community as a whole to take responsibility for the actions of just one person. And while yes, I am technically Jewish, I think it would be unfair to blame the murder of a major deity on one group just because that group just so happens to have something in common with me. I mean, I love eating sushi and reading on the toilet, but that doesn't mean that the Sushi Eaters or the Toilet Readers killed Christ, right?

Hell, you made Bird On A Wire, but that doesn’t make you responsible for ALL bad movies, right?

So Mel, at this point you're probably asking, "Hey Jon, what happened? What went wrong?" Well, in a nutshell, I was young and impulsive, shit got out of hand, and I killed the son of god. But it was an accident. I swear.

Never mind what your pop or “The Bible” tells you -- here's really what went down. So, I was chilling out in Jerusalem with some of my boys, when this dude with long hair wearing some sweet Birkenstock-y type sandals and a flowing white robe that he totally copied from The Polyphonic Spree, comes cruising down the street. There were a whole lot of what I can only describe as fan boys chilling out with him, hanging on to his every word. I mean I'll hand it to the guy -- you subtract the Manson Family haircut and the nightgown from his overall look, and this dude was sort of a pimp. Anyway, so the guy walks by, and I overhear him tell his crew stuff like, "I am Jesus. He who believes in me will also do the works that I do," and "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth," and so on and so forth. Which is cool. I mean I didn't have a problem with any of that stuff. But suddenly, he turns to one of his homies and tells him, "I am the king of the Jews." And that's when the problem started.

You see, anyone who knows me, already knows that I'm the original "King Of The Jews." I mean, not only is it my nickname, but it's like, my thing. I’m not kidding, Mel. I have it written with a sharpie on the side of my sneakers, I have a K.O.T.J. crown tattoo on the inside of my thigh, and at one point, in junior high, I even had the barber use his #2 clippers to write "Jew King" on the back of my head. You see what I'm saying!? "The King Of The Jews" is my thing.

So naturally, I was peeved when I heard Jesus frontin'. And because it was over two thousand years ago and I wasn't as mature as I am today, I got all hot and heavy about it. So, I got right up into Jesus' grill, and I was like, "Yo dude, why you gotta front?" And he was like, "I'm sorry my son, I do not know of what you speak." And then I was all, "Nigga please! You know you're bitin' my style, dawg! You're going around tellin' all your crew that you're the 'King Of The Jews,' when everyone here already knows that that shit belongs to me!" Jesus looked at his posse kind of funny, and for a minute I thought I was going to have to get all freaky deaky on him, but he just played it off all cool-like, and was all, "We only request that you let us pass. I mean you no harm." Damn! Now I was even more upset, because he was trying to use that Mahatawata Ghandi non-violent reverse psychology shiit on me. He was trying to flip the script, and make me look like the asshole. But I was on to his little plan.

Anyway, my boys were laughing at me, and I was starting to feel like a chump. I told Christ that only one of us could have that title, and that was just how it was gonna have to be. He tried to ignore me and continue walking on by, but I stepped in front of him, blocking his path, looking him right in the eye. And I'm talking steely cold Jet Li eyes. Whaa Paa!!! I told homeboy that the only way to settle this thing was to settle it like men. And, as was the common practice among Jews back in the day in settling beefs like this, I challenged him to a carpentry-off.

Now Mel, I'm not going to bore you to death with all of the bloody little details of the rest of the story. Let's just say that what happened that day happened not because of a lack of carpentry skills on my end, but was purely the fault of that god-damned defective nail gun. I think somebody must have tried to modify the thing into some kind of semi-automatic mode, because the minute I turned it on, it was shink, shink, shink -- throwing nails off in every direction like a Roman candle on the 4th of July. And by the time I figured out how to turn that bad boy off, I looked over to find Jesus pinned spread eagle to the crossbeam he was carrying. And he was as dead as a doornail. No. Scratch that. He was dead from doornails.

So, that's it. That's what went down. But as is the case with old stories, when stuff gets told and retold over the years, things get all discombobulated and changed around. From a purely selfish standpoint, I'm guess I was cool with you not singling me out in J.C.'s death. But this whole blame it on "the Jews" thing is just getting kind of tired and out of hand. I mean, come on Mel, the dude was Jewish himself. He was playing on my team from day one. It's not like he died, and then all of a sudden decided to not be Jewish anymore. It's not like his dying last words were, "Hmm. I think I'll just make up my own religion, name it after myself, and transfer my own religional status to my new made up religion so I can blame my own people for killing me in the first place." In fact, I know that's not what his dying last words were because a) I was there when I killed him, and b) I heard the man talk firsthand, and that's not how he sounded. He used words like "Thou" and "Shall" and "Meek" and "Blessed," and his sentences were usually a lot shorter than that one.

So, in summation, I just wanted you to know the score. I’m sorry you weren’t told about this earlier. As you can imagine, the whole killing of a God thing can be a little bit awkward and embarrassing. But in the future, I guess all I ask is that you please don't go out and blame the Jews, or the Sushi Eaters, or even the Toilet Readers for the death of Christ. I'm the one who did it after all. And I'm sorry.

Sincerely,

Jonathan Baruch Kesselman (AKA King Of The Jews)

PS – I have also included my official “public” apology that my publicist helped me craft. Would you mind taking a look see and letting me know if it needs any more pizzazzing up?

“I would like to extend an apology to the entire Christian faith for the things I have said and done. There is no excuse, nor should there be any tolerance, for anyone who kills Jesus. I want to apologize specifically to everyone in the Christian community for the vitriolic and harmful deeds that I did to Mr. Jesus H. Christ the day I killed him. Please know from my heart that I am not anti-Jesus. I am a public person, and when I do something accidentally in a moment of competition my actions carry weight in the public arena. As a result, I must assume personal responsibility for what I did and apologize directly to those who have been hurt and offended by that action/killing. I call on the Christian Community to help me discern the appropriate path for healing. I am in the process of understanding where that vicious YET TOTALLY ACCIDENTAL murder came from during that prideful display, and I am asking the Christian community, whom I have personally offended, to help me on my journey through recovery. Again, I am reaching out to the Christian community for its help. I know there will be many in that community who will want nothing to do with me, and that would be understandable. But I pray that that door is not forever closed.”


Photo Location:
WNBC

Photo Location:
Donatocalabrese

Photo Location: My Contrite Laptop (Again, really sorry JK)

Jon_Kesselman is the filmmaker responsible for The Hebrew Hammer. He is currently co-writing and directing Odd Todd for Paramount, writing and directing The Orbit Of Bob for Nickelodeon, and producing Confessions Of An Ivy League Bookie with Andrew Fierberg and Steven Shainberg. Incidentally, he is also sexy, devilishly handsome, super-smart, brilliantly funny, sexy, and exceedingly modest.