Asshole Fuckface Roundup #86
Today I am writing the Asshole Fuckface Roundup from the jury assembly room in Burbank, California. It seems an appropriate place, considering so many Asshole Fuckfaces are awaiting their fate. Also, Im in Burbank, a pit of hideousness and heinousness. I cannot wait to declare some poor bastard guilty and recommend the death penalty no matter the crime. I am the ultimate juror. But before I send a criminal to their doom, I will present to you this weeks Asshole Fuckfaces. They are a disturbing group. I have scoured the news of the world in order to find them, so you can mock their very existence. Im a very nice person. So, put on your favorite flight suit because this is going to be ugly.
First up, some spectacular Asshole Fuckfacery out of Colorado.
Meet Republican State Senator Scott Renfroe. He likey Jesus and no likey gays! While debating a gay rights bill on Monday, Scotty let loose with some delightful comments.
I'm not saying this (homosexuality) is the only sin that's out there. We have murder. We have all sorts of sin. We have adultery. And we don't make laws making those legal, and we would never think to make murder legal.
Um. Wait. Killing someone is the same as a dude blowing a dude? Really? Because in one case, someone is dead, gone from the planet, causing his family incredible pain, and in the other case, a dude is fantastically satisfied and probably needs a nap. So, I see a bit of a difference. Also, adultery is legal in a bunch of places. A bunch. Oh, and just being a homosexual isnt illegal.
Renfroe called homosexuality an "abomination" and an "offense to God" and argued that God created men and women so they would procreate.
Really? Why did he make the anus such an awesome thing to put your cock in? I mean, seriously, the anus is like a suitcase made for lugging around cock. Shouldnt God have put some little thorns in the rectum, or something? As it stands now, the anus seems to actually have been made for the cock, like beans and rice. Are you going to ban the combining of beans and rice next? I didnt think so. Oh, and as far as the procreate thing goes
if I slam my cock into a lady and empty my man juice in there, can I then put it into a fella? I mean, it has done its procreating and now needs a bit of a vacation. And what better place for a holiday than in a manus?
He compared the nuclear family structure to the Holy Trinity and, quoting the book of Genesis, said women had been created to be "helpers" for men.
Please say that to my wife. Please. Then cover your balls, you Neanderthal.
Next up, some corporate Asshole Fuckfacery.
Who doesnt love McDonalds? Well, me, actually. Id rather eat turds. And I do. But that has nothing to do with this tale of horror. Last summer, Nigel Hasket was working at a McDonalds in Little Rock, Arkansas, when he noticed a male customer punching a female customer in the face. Now, Nigel realized very quickly that such activity does not jive with the Im Loving It slogan. She was clearly not loving It. So, Nigel intervened and threw the punch-happy Perry Kennon out and blocked the door.
Kennon went to his car, returned with a gun, and shot Haskett multiple times. Haskett staggered back into the restaurant and collapsed.
Well, now nobody was Loving It.
Keenon was arrested and charged with first-degree battery. Thankfully, Nigel survived. He has had three surgeries and racked up over 300K in medical bills. Naturally, McDonalds would rather not pay any of that.
Fast food giant McDonald's has denied workers compensation benefits to a minimum wage employee who was shot when he ejected a customer who had been beating a woman inside the restaurant.
A representative of the administrator for McDonald's workers' compensation plan explained that "we have denied this claim in its entirety as it is our opinion that Mr. Haskett's injuries did not arise out of or within the course and scope of his employment."
McDonalds: Where Beating Your Woman Is Super Cool.
Next up, more corporate Asshole Fuckfacery.
Working for a bank these days seems a bit like being a Viking in the old days. Just raping and pillaging your day away, without a thought about the horrible things you are doing. Take the good folks from Northern Trust, a Chicago-based bank. Last year, they received $1.6 billion clams of prime US grade money from the government. And this week, they had a kick-ass west coast party.
Northern Trust flew hundreds of clients and employees to L.A. and put many of them up at some of the fanciest and priciest hotels in the city. We're told more than a hundred people were put up at the Beverly Wilshire in Beverly Hills, and another hundred stayed at the Loews Santa Monica Beach Hotel. Still more stayed at the Ritz Carlton in Marina Del Rey and others at Casa Del Mar in Santa Monica.
Oh, theres more. This party is just getting started.
Wednesday, Northern Trust hosted a fancy dinner at the Ritz followed by a performance by the group Chicago.
I think that may have actually been a punishment for some employees.
Thursday, Northern Trust rented a private hangar at the Santa Monica Airport for dinner, followed by a performance by Earth, Wind & Fire.
Saturday, Northern Trust had the entire House of Blues in West Hollywood shut down for its private party. We got the menu -- guests dined on seared salmon and petite Angus filet. Dinner was followed by a performance by none other than Sheryl Crow.
There was also a fabulous cocktail party at the Loews. And how's this for a nice touch: Female guests at the Chicago concert all got trinkets from... Tiffany and Co.
Northern Trust also sponsored a golf tournament this weekend. They arent disclosing how much of the $6.3 million dollar purse they covered, or the operating costs. Thankfully, the bank is run by financial geniuses.
Northern Trust laid off 450 workers in December, 4% of its workforce.
But their sacrifice paid for a kick ass weekend, so its a win-win.
A rep for the bank acknowledges they paid for the events, but that the bailout money did not pay for the events. He claims it was paid out of the bank's operating expenses.
Oh, no. See, you are mixed up. We paid for this out of a different pile of money. You are thinking of the other pile of money. This sweet vacation came from the money with a different name on it. I understand your confusion.
Does Tiffanys make diamond encrusted guillotines?
Finally, lets head back to Colorado for more Asshole Fuckfacery.
Colorado, what up? When did you become the Asshole Fuckface capital of the United States? First we had Scott babbling about gays and their perceived naughtiness and now we have Republican state Senator Dave Schultheis opening his dumb hole about HIV and how the ladies love fuckin.
Yesterday, a bill was rolling through the Colorado Legislature that would require HIV tests for pregnant women. Everyone seemed to think this was a good idea except Dave. He crawled out of his hate hole and blurted out this gem.
HIV stems from sexual promiscuity and he didnt think the Legislature should remove the negative consequences that take place from poor behavior and unacceptable behavior.
Fuck yeah, bro! Why should a child not come into the world with HIV because mommy was a-fuckin? Lord knows there is no other way for a woman to get sweet HIV. She certainly wouldnt get it if her husband was banging every dude at a rest stop, without her knowledge.
What this bill will do and why its so important to test the woman when she is pregnant if she is HIV-positive, treatment is started immediately to protect the baby, the unborn baby, the Thornton Democrat, who is also a nurse, said.
Fuck you, hippy! Go back to your land of cocks, whore!
Look, maybe we are all jumping to conclusions. Maybe, Dave is just a bit confused and he doesnt want babies born with AIDS or HIV. He took the night to think about it and has issued a more clear statement.
What Im hoping is that, yes, that person may have AIDS, have it seriously as a baby and when they grow up, but the mother will begin to feel guilt as a result of that. The family will see the negative consequences of that promiscuity and it may make a number of people over the coming years begin to realize that there are negative consequences and maybe they should adjust their behavior.
Oh. My. God. AIDS baby = punishment for excessive fucking. Jesus would be super into this stance.
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper
Plissken's Shit Food Review: Something McWicked This Way Comes
Once upon a time, in a magical place called "the '80s", I was a young lad and my old man sat me down and told me the three secrets of life. He said, "Don't piss on the third rail; you're proof the pull-out method doesn't work; and never make a pizza out of McDonald's."
Well pops, I'm sorry. I had to impress the SGPDX crew on white trash potluck night. What else could I do, I'm dealing with people who think bacon is a condiment.
The Construct
After studying the assembly of other McPizzas, I decided on a plan of attack. There were some nice examples out there, but my masterpiece would be special; a deadly creation of cunning design the like not seen since LeMarchand's Box. A quick trip to a Wal*Mart Super Center for ingredients seemed appropriate given the occasion. To my shock, this one had a McDonald's in it, though this did explain the unusually large stable of electric scooters at this particular locale.
I arrived at the MisterSatan household, various components in hand, and the Ritual of McDamnation began.
Note that for this application cheaper is better.
First comes the sauce.
Next comes the fries. Those evil fuckers.
The burger layer is added in defiance of all that is holy.
Judicious applications of cheese will help counteract the natural laxative effects of McDonald's.
Gathered round this greasy creation the oven clicked, signaling it was at temperature, and a hush fell through the room. We eyed each other nervously. Is this really a good idea? Should we turn back? Should I call my mom and cry a little? No, children, it's far too late for that.
The Reveal
Soon enough it was out of the oven, piping hot and ready to lay waste to our digestive systems like a cheese ensconced IED. But there was a problem. A big problem.
It looked good. And it smelled good. Some scratched their heads in amazement and others began to worship it. Personally, I found its appearance as confusing as that of a Thai ladyboy.
The Mastication
On paper, this was a weird combo. The kind of thing you'd expect to pop out of a telepod, scream across the room, and latch onto someones neck. Sadly, a shotgun-toting Geena Davis was absent in the event of that occurrence, but sometimes weird combinations work. This was one of them. The fries held up surprisingly well to the sauce, not becoming mushy and saturated as I expected. Their base foundation also served to keep the bottom bun of the burger off the sauce, allowing the bread to toast slightly. Quartering of the burgers in addition to good cheese adhesion allowed the slices to be eaten with minimal mess and topping loss, a challenge even for normal pedestrian pies.
Overall Impressions
I hate to admit it, but it was pretty good. God, I think I'm more embarrassed admitting that than the time I got caught reading Playboys at the bookstore when I was thirteen. But, would I do it again? I suppose if I was getting ready to ride the lightning I'd give it another go, but as regular meal? God no. I can't afford to put in an automated lift to get upstairs.
But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try it.
I give the McPizza
8/10 flushes
SnakePlissken eagerly awaits pics of your versions.
Redefining the McJob
Normally, if a controversial international babillion dollar corporation is seeking to change the language, it would be cause for alarm. The idea smacks of corporate, Orwellian mind control tactics. Alarmist outcry seems justified.
But if its McDonalds trying to rebrand the word McJob, I say fuck it. Go with it.
Currently, the word is defined by the Oxford English Dictionary, the Bible for word usage and coinage, as "an unstimulating, low-paid job with few prospects, esp. one created by the expansion of the service sector." The British branch of McDonalds is preparing a public petition to get the definition changed, continuing a year-old effort to change public perception of McEmployment. Similar actions were taken by their American corporate counterparts in 2003, to no avail.
According to the OED, the word was first used in print in 1986 by the Washington Post. Of course, it gained a lot of cultural currency when it was used in Douglas Couplands 1991 debut novel, Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture, a document that has aged about as well as a Roxette cassingle. As much as I honestly do like Couplands writing, that initially over-praised book is so culturally irrelevant now its fairly repellent. Thinking on it now, Id like to throttle the books rootless, culturally alienated characters and ask them how 9-11 affected their middle class ennui.
Is the term McJob as anachronistic as the rest of the book, though? I think so. A Nexis search for instances of the word McJob in news articles in the last two years revealed that while the word was often used in the OED sense, mostly it was used as short hard for jobs at fast food joints, most often at McDonalds. (A lot of articles were about Kevin Smith, which is interesting, but not surprising.)
Theres no way to quantify how McJob or any other slang word is used colloquially. Still, Im pretty sure the last time I heard the word come out of someones mouth, 4 Non Blondes was playing on a top 40 radio station. I
The amateur cultural gatekeepers scurrying over Wikipedia apparently dont give a shit about the term either much of the entry for McJob is a defense of burger flipping gigs, including quotes from former McDonalds CEO James Cantalupo.
We should let McDonalds have its stupid word. In return, well keep burger flipping, dead-end jobs and the knowledge that working at McDonalds sucks.
McDonald's Nose Candy?
It's all cute until somebody threatens a lawsuit. Quick recap: a couple of New York artsy-fartsy types took a bunch of McDonald's coffee stirrers which Ray Kroc and Co. haven't offered at their franchises for years bronze-cast them, dipped them in gold and sold them as "Cokespoon #2" for about $300.
According to a press release from Citizen-Citizen, an online art and design store that carried the spoons, the "luxury, made to order design objects" weren't just funny, chintzy collectibles they had artistic merit as well.
Cokespoon #2 is parody and commentary on how culture affects and sometimes dictates an objects status and function. It is a luxury, made to order design object by the renowned designer Tobias Wong and sometime collaborator, fashion designer Ken Courtney.
Apparently, the McDonald's corporation found out about the spoons and threatened legal action, citing intellectual property violations. Citizen-Citizen currently lists the item as discounted. "Cokespoon #1," a gold-plated pen cap, is still available.
It's not shocking that McDonald's got pissed. Do you think you can slap the McDonald's logo and signature arches on just anything? Coming to America isn't real you can't just say they're "arcs" and get away with it. It sucks, but it's a fact of life.
What surprised me was the legacy of the McDonald's coffee stirrers as drug paraphernalia. According to a couple of websites, McDonald's switched from the fanciful, long plastic spoons to the now-familiar flat stirrers because too many people were using the spoons to scoop coke into their nose. Assuming it was an urban legend, I dug into it as much as I could. And, evidently, it was true, as the following excerpt from a 1979 Associated Press article attests:
McDonald's is changing the design of its coffee stirrers because some drug users apparently have found another purpose for them.
The plastic mixer a long handle with a tiny spoon bowl on the end is similar to paraphernalia used by cocaine sniffers. They also reportedly are being used to inhale PCP, an animal tranquilizer with hallucinogenic properties.
Doug Timberlake, a spokesman for McDonald's Corp., said the fast-food chain decided to redesign its spoons because "it has been brought to our attention that people are using them illegally and illicity for purposes for which they are not intended."
Use of the chain's spoons was discussed recently at a U.S. subcommittee hearing of the Senate Judiciary Committee on proposed legislation to ban the sale of narcotics paraphernalia, Timberlake said.
The Carter-era Senate wasn't able to sever the McDonald's drug connection completely, of course. Word on the street is that McDonald's soda straws, if cut down to the right size, can still be used for snorting your powder of choice, and there's no one to stop you from saying "I'm loving it" afterwards or asking for your next line to be Super-Sized. (Except the fears of overdosing and addiction, of course. Drugs are bad, mm-kay?)
The McHummer
McDonald's latest tsk-inducing marketing move offers promotional toy Hummers in their kids meals, so America's children can show their support of Earth's destruction in two forms at once!
That's right: The fast-food chain that helped make our kids the fattest on Earth is now selling future car buyers on the fun of driving a supersized, smog-spewing, gas-guzzling SUV originally built for the military. Use the Ronald McHummer Sign-O-Matic to tell us what you think of this misguided marriage of two icons of American excess.
This site has a petition running to remove the Hummer propaganda. Meanwhile use their kind-of fun graphic engine to generate your own McDonald's marquee.
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