Most of the time I get the Republican mindset. More often than not, it is just team vs. team. Their astounding hypocrisy knows no bounds. When in control, they say one thing, but when not in control, they immediately flock to the position they formerly criticized. It’s actually quite amusing. As far as big business goes, they’ll bend over anyway they can and have quite a few Americans convinced screwing themselves over is the way to go. Their economic policies have destroyed our country and I find it hard to believe they still stand behind their ideas, but they serve their corporate masters, so I get it. Yet once again, they have come with an attack that is so shockingly stupid it is beyond my comprehension. Their attacks on Obama over his decision to not strongly criticize the Iranian government are astoundingly stupid. You’ve got to wonder if they actually believe taking such a ridiculously stupid stance is real, or if they will just say the opposite of whatever Obama believes.

Well, first of all, we are not for human rights all over the world. That’s the dumbest argument ever made. We just aren't. We never have been and we never will be. We’re about money and that’s all we are “for” all over the world. To believe otherwise is to deny history and reality.

But let me back up for a moment and just focus on Iran. If there is one country in the world that we owe the favor of staying out of their business to, it is Iran; America has already ruined Iran. The reason Iran is a theocracy is because of the United States of America. It’s called fucking yourself in the ass. It is one our greatest failures. We did more than “meddle” in Iran; in 1953 we helped to overthrow its democratically elected government, installed the brutal Shah and sent Iran on the path to dictatorship. It eventually led to the Islamic Revolution. That’s called “Blowback.” In the 1980’s we supported our friend Saddam Hussein in his war with Iran, which cost hundreds of thousands of Iranian lives. We even shot down an Iranian passenger jet in the ‘80s. Can you imagine if Iran had shot down one of ours?

Now, after years of belligerently stupid foreign policy, Obama has taken a different tact. It’s actually smart, which I’m sure confuses the Iranian leaders. They had become accustomed to the ignorant and simplistic responses of George Bush. Obama has chosen to take the “soft diplomacy” route and it’s already paying off. During his Cairo speech, he addressed Iran.

It’s hard to call someone the “Great Satan” when Satan is admitting mistakes. I know that’s difficult for the idiots in the GOP to understand, but that’s how it works. By not responding in kind, Obama has shown the belligerence of Iranian leaders to Iranians. They have been on the path to democracy for a long time. It’s a very slow one and should be. Iranians were already upset that their president’s language has caused economic isolation. It is causing massive unemployment and now that the US president is not responding like a mirror belligerent idiot, the focus is on one man as the problem: Ahmadinejad,

But the Republicans want us to keep swinging the big, dumb stick – because it's worked out so well over the past 8 years.

No, actually, they question if we believe in our principles because we support brutal regimes like Saudi Arabia, Egypt and Pakistan. They’re not idiots who believe in words over action. Those are your minions you are thinking of.

First, I don’t think in the closet gay guys should be talking about leading anything, not that being gay has anything to do with Senator Graham. Second, I cannot believe anyone would be so dumb as to not understand that if we take a side, then the Iranian government can call the protesters “tools” of the United States. Seriously, how can you be that stupid? I honestly can’t understand it.

Also, the idea that Obama making a harsh statement would have an uplifting affect on the Iranian protesters is shockingly arrogant. Get over yourselves. How is this supposed to work?

Protestor: Today I take to the streets for my vote! I am willing to die for this cause. Justice must be served!

Obama: The Iranian leaders are super bad. I’ve got your back with words but not action!

Protestor: Oh, man, I was only kind of into this stuff, but now I’m really, really into it! I will now overthrow my government because some dude living in another country said he likes me.

That pretty much seems to be what people like McCain and Graham actually think is going to happen. One “atta boy” from the president and the game is changed. America likes you! Now you can have an awesome revolution! It’s so moronic I can barely wrap my head around it.

In reality, the statement McCain and company want would do serious harm to those Iranians taking on their government. Once they are labeled as associated with the United States, they will be murdered. As of now, the security forces are actually showing restraint. But Republicans seem to think having a segment of the Iranian population aligned with “The Great Satan” is wise. Amazing. And I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt. I’m believing them to be sincere. If they are not and this is just another political game and they are criticizing Obama because they want to take the opposing view due to party politics – then they are more disgusting than I could ever imagine because lives are on the line. That is inexcusable.

The sad thing is the protesters aren’t even asking for western type democracy. Most Iranians want a religious government of some sort. What they are in the streets fighting for is the small bit of self rule they were allowed. As one man in the street said, “They’ve taken away the sham of electing someone.” Republicans, and many other Americans, are putting their own spin on it. At best, they want to believe a democracy will emerge from this mess, but that’s not part of the equation yet. This is just a small step in that direction and it’s going very well. (At worst, do they even care about democracy? It's not like Republican's were actually that keen on counting votes or even allowing all eligible Americans to cast them in recent elections.)

The Iranian government will never be the same. Ever. For us, that’s a pretty good deal. So, let’s stay out of this one. We have two reasons for doing so. First, our involvement would backfire on those people we want to succeed. Second, we owe them. We own the Iranian people for every horrible thing we have done. We owe them for subjecting them to 26 years of a brutal dictator followed by 30 years of an oppressive religious government. We did that and it’s time to take the moral high ground.

If we don’t – you can pretty much guarantee the opposite of what we want
will occur.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Will the Republican crying ever stop? It is pathetic to still have to listen to some Republican child whining about the perceived positive media treatment of Obama. It’s absolutely hysterical when you look at the facts. McCain was the media’s boy. They practically gave him rimjobs for months, until he turned into an incapable, angry old piece of shit. Then the media actually did its job. And the right wing douchebags can’t handle it.

The most amazing thing about this incessant bitching is how Bush was treated for the past eight years. As the nation's most shockingly pathetic president, Bush was hardly touched by the press for years. The man is a fucking war criminal and he was constantly given the kid glove treatment by the press. He should have been raped. By words. Seriously. The man should have been raped by words. I don’t know how that works technically, but it should have happened. Every single day.

But let’s move beyond the blatant hypocrisy and look at the actual facts. Before McCain went insanely negative and decided to lie his way to the White House, the press loved him so much they would have cleaned his dirty balls with their tongues. They were his base, according to Chris Matthews.

Aw. That’s nice. Overall, Obama received very fair media coverage.

Hmm. Not so bad, right? Sort of. Turns out the media were more negative toward Obama and positive toward McCain at the beginning, and then it turned. Maybe it started out well because of the McCain media barbeque.

Yeah, that’s some quality journalism. If Obama had held a barbeque for the media, America would have shit pure bile. But nobody said a word about Grandpa McCain grilling up some meat for the media. As a matter of fact, they loved it.

Did he tickle you on the couch?

Must have been awesome. I’m surprised they didn’t start spooning McCain to sleep at night. A flurry of positive McCain stories followed; sometimes reporters slid into a weird man love situation.

Um. Do you guys need me to leave?

Meanwhile, Obama was getting the brunt of repeated negative attacks. His trip to Europe was too much. The media feasted on his connection to Reverend Wright for months. His connection to criminal Rezko was picked through obsessively. One of his consultant’s comments on NAFTA was falsely twisted and blown out of proportion, causing him to lose big in Ohio during the primaries. His lack of flag pin wearing was talked about incessantly. Oh, and was he patriotic? Hmm, better ask the people.

And the wife was not off limits. Michelle made a gaff during a speech about whether or not she was proud to be an American and the media went apeshit. And occasionally she was called a bitch.

She must be a black militant, I mean, she went to Harvard.

The truth of what happened is that the media followed the polls.

The little baby Republicans are just upset because they don’t remember what it’s like to be on the other side. McCain dug his own grave by running the most heinous campaign I’ve ever seen. Lies, racism, more lies and focusing on bullshit points when America was on fire led to his negative media coverage. He dug his own grave. The media coverage was a reflection of the worst run campaign since the mighty Rudy Giuliani.

And the negative coverage wasn’t gone. It ebbed and flowed, like the mind of John McCain.



That big dip before the 2nd debate was when the media was bringing up the Ayers nonsense over and over. It didn’t stick, mostly because our country was in the middle of dying and people didn’t give a shit about some “terrorist” not convicted of anything 30 years ago. What they did care about was the shockingly pathetic choice of Sarah Palin, McCain’s insanely retarded choices during the beginning of the economic meltdown and his angry persona during the debates. Turns out making stupid decisions and being an asshole doesn’t lead to positive stories. While McCain was melting down and making mistakes left and right, Obama was running a smooth and smart campaign, giving the media nothing to attack.

Then McCain began began attacking the media because he was so used to being their lover. No longer were the media editing out footage of John McCain not knowing the difference between Sunnis and Shiites, as CBS had done two months earlier. Now the media were doing their jobs.

And the ensuing election result went as expected. But the right wing and other idiots can’t help but try to rewrite history. Yesterday, Time magazine’s Mark Halperin opened his dumbhole and let loose.

Oh. Let’s have an example, shall we?

Oh, shit. The story really didn’t talk about her awesome mothering skills Who says that without then pulling a hammer out of a bag and hitting himself in the head?

Huh. None of that black militant stuff? This would be due to the fact that they couldn’t find anything. And because the media and the public weren’t biting on the usual bullshit stories. Now, let’s take a look at some ideas Halperin had for McCain early in the campaign. From a list of what McCain should do to beat Obama:

That’s the guy who thinks the positive media treatment of Obama was disgusting. He’s basically Mr. Crybaby Shit Pants. The media didn’t destroy Obama using fucked up and bullshit attacks, so they didn’t do their job. The media didn’t sink to the lows they usually go to, because the nation is literally in peril and the consequences of focusing on issues that don’t matter could be huge. This election was not treated like a game, as it usually is and McCain suffered because of it. In years passed his “the fundamentals of the economy are strong” comment would have been ignored in favor of talk about Ayers. McCain was nothing short of an angry idiot during this campaign and the coverage was a refection of reality. He was a shit candidate and he got the coverage he deserved. Obama was an amazing candidate and he got the coverage he deserved. Get over it you immense babies.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

This week was an avalanche of Asshole Fuckfacery and I’m glad you survived. I know you survived because you are reading this. That’s how alive works. The Republican Convention was like an Asshole Fuckface explosion and we should just all be thankful a hellmouth did not open in Minnesota. After seeing all the attention given to the governor from Alaska, we at the Roundup have decided never to utter her name again. Henceforth, the governor will be called by her proper name, The Female George Bush. Never has so much Asshole Fuckfacery been squeezed into one human being. The Asshole Fuckface Roundup sees a very evil future for The Female George Bush and expects her to make many appearances in the Roundup, so for now she will be ignored. But there are many other Asshole Fuckfaces slithering around the Earth and I have selected the worst of the worst for you to gawk at. So, put on your favorite plastic horse blanket because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some genuine pathetic Asshole Fuckfacery from Hollywood.

There was a time when David Zucker made good movies, like Airplane. That time was known as the 80s. Now David is an old Asshole Fuckface who wouldn’t know funny if was jammed into his head with an ice pick. Oh, and Zucker is conservative. And he has decided to make a conservative comedy movie. Plug up your asshole, because this could actually cause you to involuntarily release.



“Island paradise Cuba.” Get it! It’s communist, which is NOT paradisey. At all. Because it’s COMMUNIST. Get it?

“I love America, that’s why it needs to be destroyed.” Ha ha ha. You know why that’s funny? Because there is not a hint of satire, wit, a twist or irony, it’s just exactly what the right wing thinks of him. Get it? It’s kind of how a 4th grader would write comedy. Just go look at You Tube and you’ll see some similar stuff made by grammar school kids.

Moore is going to “abolish July 4th!” Weeeeeeeeeeee.

Here’s the thing about comedy. Funny first, point second. Not point first, second, third, forth and fifth, then comedy sixth.

Oh, and the more hitting, falling down and slapping the better the comedy. We all learned that from Dane Cook’s comedy masterpiece Good Luck Chuck.

Next up, some Pakistani Asshole Fuckfacery.

If you have a vagina, I hope you are not born in the remote Pakistani village of Baba Kot. Turns out some teenage girls in the village decided they wanted to choose their own husbands. Can you image? The gall, thinking they are human beings.

The local Asshole Fuckfaces took care of the teenagers.

That pretty much defines the term “overkill.” Can it get worse? Hell yes, it’s Pakistan!

Um. Burying teenage girls alive is sort of an immoral act. Just a tip, you disturbing, backwards Asshole Fuckface.

A “big fuss?” Would it be a “big fuss” to cut off your cock and shove it in your mouth? Because that is how I would like to shut you up.

Next up, our own religious lunatic Asshole Fuckfaces have come up with a plan for the next president.

All across the Christian blogosphere, people are thrilled that the Female George Bush is the Republican nominee. But they still don’t like John McCain, so what to do? How about pray for him to win and then die? That’s what crazy anti-abortionist John Rogers is saying.

“To imprecate” means to invoke evil upon, or curse. Before Rogers’ blog started to get attention, he actually said, “Pray for McCain’s death.” He has since changed it to “imprecatory prayers.” Here are some imprecator Psalms from the bible.

I guess any of those will do for McCain. Then there’s this guy and his photoshopping skills.



Heyooooooo! That’s some SERIOUS Asshole Fuckfacery.

Well, it’s a solid idea. Hope that works out for you, and good luck with your future challenges.

The Lord has provided you with many temptations, Asshole Fuckface. And he attempted to provide everyone else with those temptations.

Obviously, he’s got a good head on his shoulders. I fell for a lie of false erections 7 times last week.

Next up, Fox News Asshole Fuckfacery.



No, actually, not a coincidence.

The definition you are looking for is this:

Finally, some good old fashioned southern Asshole Fuckfacing.

Republican Congressman Lynn Westmoreland has just about had it with Barack Obama trying to act like he's equal to white people.

At that point the reporter he was talking to gave him the opportunity to clear up his horrible, racist comment. And he passed.

Then a day went by and the AP asked Westmoreland what the fuck was up with the “uppity” comment?

Yeah, obviously. What white guy from the Georgia would know “uppity” was an offensive comment? What a complete and total Asshole Fuckface. Georgia probably invented the word “uppity.” Westmoreland isn’t exactly on the side of African Americans, either.

How's your hood?

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You will each recieve a brand new FearTheReaper saddle!

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

This week was an avalanche of Asshole Fuckfacery and I’m glad you survived. I know you survived because you are reading this. That’s how alive works. The Republican Convention was like an Asshole Fuckface explosion and we should just all be thankful a hellmouth did not open in Minnesota. After seeing all the attention given to the governor from Alaska, we at the Roundup have decided never to utter her name again. Henceforth, the governor will be called by her proper name, The Female George Bush. Never has so much Asshole Fuckfacery been squeezed into one human being. The Asshole Fuckface Roundup sees a very evil future for The Female George Bush and expects her to make many appearances in the Roundup, so for now she will be ignored. But there are many other Asshole Fuckfaces slithering around the Earth and I have selected the worst of the worst for you to gawk at. So, put on your favorite plastic horse blanket because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some genuine pathetic Asshole Fuckfacery from Hollywood.

There was a time when David Zucker made good movies, like Airplane. That time was known as the 80s. Now David is an old Asshole Fuckface who wouldn’t know funny if was jammed into his head with an ice pick. Oh, and Zucker is conservative. And he has decided to make a conservative comedy movie. Plug up your asshole, because this could actually cause you to involuntarily release.



“Island paradise Cuba.” Get it! It’s communist, which is NOT paradisey. At all. Because it’s COMMUNIST. Get it?

“I love America, that’s why it needs to be destroyed.” Ha ha ha. You know why that’s funny? Because there is not a hint of satire, wit, a twist or irony, it’s just exactly what the right wing thinks of him. Get it? It’s kind of how a 4th grader would write comedy. Just go look at You Tube and you’ll see some similar stuff made by grammar school kids.

Moore is going to “abolish July 4th!” Weeeeeeeeeeee.

Here’s the thing about comedy. Funny first, point second. Not point first, second, third, forth and fifth, then comedy sixth.

Oh, and the more hitting, falling down and slapping the better the comedy. We all learned that from Dane Cook’s comedy masterpiece Good Luck Chuck.

Next up, some Pakistani Asshole Fuckfacery.

If you have a vagina, I hope you are not born in the remote Pakistani village of Baba Kot. Turns out some teenage girls in the village decided they wanted to choose their own husbands. Can you image? The gall, thinking they are human beings.

The local Asshole Fuckfaces took care of the teenagers.

That pretty much defines the term “overkill.” Can it get worse? Hell yes, it’s Pakistan!

Um. Burying teenage girls alive is sort of an immoral act. Just a tip, you disturbing, backwards Asshole Fuckface.

A “big fuss?” Would it be a “big fuss” to cut off your cock and shove it in your mouth? Because that is how I would like to shut you up.

Next up, our own religious lunatic Asshole Fuckfaces have come up with a plan for the next president.

All across the Christian blogosphere, people are thrilled that the Female George Bush is the Republican nominee. But they still don’t like John McCain, so what to do? How about pray for him to win and then die? That’s what crazy anti-abortionist John Rogers is saying.

“To imprecate” means to invoke evil upon, or curse. Before Rogers’ blog started to get attention, he actually said, “Pray for McCain’s death.” He has since changed it to “imprecatory prayers.” Here are some imprecator Psalms from the bible.

I guess any of those will do for McCain. Then there’s this guy and his photoshopping skills.



Heyooooooo! That’s some SERIOUS Asshole Fuckfacery.

Well, it’s a solid idea. Hope that works out for you, and good luck with your future challenges.

The Lord has provided you with many temptations, Asshole Fuckface. And he attempted to provide everyone else with those temptations.

Obviously, he’s got a good head on his shoulders. I fell for a lie of false erections 7 times last week.

Next up, Fox News Asshole Fuckfacery.



No, actually, not a coincidence.

The definition you are looking for is this:

Finally, some good old fashioned southern Asshole Fuckfacing.

Republican Congressman Lynn Westmoreland has just about had it with Barack Obama trying to act like he's equal to white people.

At that point the reporter he was talking to gave him the opportunity to clear up his horrible, racist comment. And he passed.

Then a day went by and the AP asked Westmoreland what the fuck was up with the “uppity” comment?

Yeah, obviously. What white guy from the Georgia would know “uppity” was an offensive comment? What a complete and total Asshole Fuckface. Georgia probably invented the word “uppity.” Westmoreland isn’t exactly on the side of African Americans, either.

How's your hood?

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You will each recieve a brand new FearTheReaper saddle!

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

What do you do if your sixteen-year old daughter is pregnant with a baby that's going to have Down's Syndrome? Tell her to have the baby, then pretend it's yours forever. This, at least, would appear to be the only option if you're a governor who got elected on an anti-choice/abstinence-only-education platform and are currently hoping to be elected to the second-most powerful office in the world. There are reasons to suspect that Sarah Palin, Republican presidential nominee John McCain's choice for Vice-President, did just that.

Let me stress here that this is, as of right now, a rumor on the Internet. SuicideGirls news is not a credible news source, and neither are any of the other places on the internet which allege Sarah Palin's youngest son actually belongs to her daughter Bristol. So why report it? Because unless a large number of non-credible sources makes some noise on this point, no credible news source will use its expense account to send a reporter to Alaska and go through hospital records and find out whether or not it's true. So what's the evidence so far?

The strangest piece of evidence, according to (credible and pro-Palin news source) The Wall Street Journal is that she allegedly started having contractions, then, against the advice of her doctor, made a speech in Dallas, and then flew to Anchorage -- a flight that could not have taken less than six hours -- to have the baby.

Not only did they not notice she was pregnant, but neither did anyone else during her pregnancy--at least not until she mentioned it, seven months in, according to The Anchorage Daily News.

There are dozens of photos of the Governor during the late stages of her pregnancy, she doesn't look especially pregnant--but it's pretty hard to say either way. I will not sully SuicideGirls with fully-clothed MIDNLF photos.

Last and possibly least, the controversial and quite possibly unreliable DailyKos -- who started the story/rumor -- reports that Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol Palin, was reportedly out of school for four months with "mono". Mononucleosis usually lasts a month at most, though symptoms can linger for up to three months. To be fair: in the "against" category, there is the fact that the child in question has Down's Syndrome. Down's is much more likely in older women, but is nonetheless a possibility for all mothers. Most babies born with Down's are born to younger mothers, following the pattern for fertility in general.

None of this evidence is conclusive at all, but considering that the possible future Vice-President may have forced her daughter to have a child in order to further her own political carrier and anti-choice policies, this non-reporter feels this is certainly an important enough issue to encourage real reporters to check this story out some time very soon. Maybe it's all a baseless lefty rumor, but if the real press doesn't do its job, we'll never know.

The Republicans are masters of using race to stir up white anger and fear to win elections. They play the race card, as it is referred to by hacks, and are more subtle and effective with it each year. “Playing the race card” is just a palatable way of describing their racist bullshit. I don’t know how long the GOP has been doing this, my memory only goes back to Reagan, who was a master at riling up the master race.

In 1980, Reagan gave a campaign speech in Philadelphia, Mississippi, during which he said,

It was obvious to anyone with a brain that Reagan was signaling white racists that he was on their side. After all, he was speaking the city where three civil rights workers were killed in 1964 and any retard knows what "states rights" means in the South.

If you don’t buy that connection, then don’t forget Reagan’s many quotes about a “welfare queen driving a Cadillac,” or his claiming that the Voting Rights Act had been “humiliating to the South,” or his help keeping Bob Jones University from losing its tax exempt status because of a ban on interracial dating, or his opposition to a holiday for Martin Luther King. Reagan was not just a terrible president, but he was also a straight-up racist asshole.

This was the plan, called the Southern Strategy, encouraged by Richard Nixon strategist Kevin Phillips.

That’s the plan they have followed, ever since. Bush used the famous Willy Horton ad against Michael Dukakis quite effectively.



Oh, my God! A black man!

But the country has changed. That kind of overt bullshit would not go over well in many places now. I’m not saying it wouldn’t still go over great in many states, because it would. But the number of people it would turn off across the nation would not make the ad effective today. And there’s the new problem: The Democratic candidate is a black guy. That means the Republicans have to walk a very fine racist line. And they are doing it very well, so far.

The John McCain tactic seems to be to create ads most whites won’t consider racist, but blacks will.



That’s obviously a racist ad. It’s subtle, but if you don’t think showing two young white women in an ad with a black man, and tossing the word “FOREIGN” up on screen with the black guy’s face isn’t racist, then you are a fucking moron. Unfortunately, when blacks become upset and claim it is racist, McCain can scream innocence and say he’s a victim of “the race card.” Poor rich, white guy. Sadly, Obama fell right into the trap.

That’s a pretty innocuous statement, but just commenting on the ad put him in a negative light, according to polls.

The reason for that is simple; there are more white people than black people. This is about how people relate and most of us don't relate to racism, subtle or otherwise.

Considering McCain is a doddering old fool, who has taken the least popular stance on nearly every position, his only chance to win is by using race. The Republican machine knows exactly what it is doing and they are doing it well. The race is tightening. Obama has stupidly moved away from his base, while Republicans are drawing theirs together. Democrats should be very thankful that McCain is a senile old man.



The debates could be devastating. Don’t forget, Reagan and Carter were tied in the polls going into the final debate, just one week before the election. You can be certain McCain will look horrible in the debates, but the damage may already be done with “the race card.” And Republicans, when you bunch that ballot for McCain this year, know you are supporting racism. Know that you are a vile, filthy person who supports the worst in mankind.

FearTheReaper is a comic, writer and actor. You can read more of his nonsense at his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Last week, I broke down the Democratic vice presidential possibilities and this week I’m going to cross the aisle to where the demons live and break down the horrible people McCain will be choosing from. Sadly for McCain, any candidate he chooses will make him look older, unless he picks a 90-year-old.

First up, Charlie Crist, governor of Florida.

Pro:

Crist is high up on the list of McCain’s choices. He is a somewhat popular governor and served as the state Attorney General for four years. He also served in the state senate. He is a good-looking, personable man – and has an awesome fake tan. He would put Florida in the win column for McCain, which has quite a few electoral point thingies.

Con:

Gay. You read that right. Everyone seems to think he is gay. Crist is a 51-year-old bachelor who was married 30 years ago for an entire six months.

No one has ever produced any proof that Crist is gay, but a dude or two have claimed they fucked him and he apparently has a long-term partner, who is also a convicted felon. Loving sweet cock would obviously be a negative for any GOP candidate and if McCain picks Crist, it means he is in trouble. McCain should win Florida easily, if he needs Charlie’s help, it’s not going well. Hardcore right-wingers are McCain’s problem; bringing Crist on board would just drive them away further.

Haley Barbour, Governor of Mississippi.

Pro:

Barbour is considered to be a very successful governor. He was given high marks for picking up the pieces after Hurricane Katrina. Unlike Crist, conservatives really love him – and he’s well liked inside Washington – which is something McCain needs help with. Barbour used to be the head of the Republican National Committee, worked for Reagan for six years and is a former lobbyist. As I’m writing this, I’m wondering why he didn’t run for president. Oh, right…

Con:

He’s got some racism problems. Barbour has connections to the Council of Conservative Citizens, a group of serious racists. That would certainly be awkward when running against a black guy. And Barbour doesn’t come from a battleground state, which is a big problem. And finally, Obama is running against Washington politics, a term that defines Barbour.

Bobby Jindal, Governor of Louisiana.

Pro:

Conservatives love Jindal because he’s a brown guy who is also a Republican. They go ape shit over that sort of thing. Jindal is an Oxford University Rhodes scholar who has been working in various government jobs since 1994. He was elected to Congress in 2004 and became governor of Louisiana in 2007. I mentioned he’s got brown skin, right? Jindal’s parents are from India. He’s also a religious conservative’s wet dream. He’s against emergency contraceptives for rape victims, abortion (obviously), stem cell research, loves the Patriot Act, intelligent design, off-shore oil drilling and has the highest rating from the Gun Owners of America. Sounds pretty great for a Republican VP, right?

Con:

He performed an exorcism in college. Seriously.

Holy fucking shit. Look who just made Bush look normal. From this day on, every time you look at a picture of Jindal, I expect you to picture him screaming, “OUT DEMON!”

Kay Bailey Hutchison, Senator from Texas.

Pro:

Let’s be honest, Kay is only being considered because she has a vagina. Republicans are desperate to make it appear they are not a group of rich, white men. They always have been. Now that Obama is the candidate and Hillary nearly won, they really want America to know they have ladies and minorities also. Other than that, she brings nothing to the table.

Con:

She doesn’t come from a battleground state. She’s too old. She has zero executive experience and is an incredibly boring speaker. Also, she has been accused of corruption on more than one occasion. All of which means he will probably pick her.

Mitt Romney, rich guy.

Pro:

He is certainly well known and is a decent debater and speaker. Conservatives seem to like him, because he flip-flopped on almost every position when he decided to run for president. He has a great background as a businessman, which gives conservatives giant hard ons. And, Romney had a successful run as the governor of Massachusetts, which included implementing a state universal health insurance plan. Romney on the ticket could swing Massachusetts because Irish people are notoriously racist.

Con:

Cheesiest man alive. He seems like a central casting version of slimy politician. He flip-flopped on almost every important issue. Romney and McCain appeared to hate each other during the primaries. Oh, and he’s Mormon.

Mark Sanford, governor of South Carolina.

Pro:

He’s a hero of conservatives because of his budget cuts in South Carolina and actually fought against other Republicans to get them done. Sanford has a very solid conservative voting record and stuck to a self-imposed term limit and left Congress. In 2000, he campaigned for McCain. Sanford would fit right in with McCain’s “bloated government” philosophy.

Con:

I had never heard of him until I started researching this article. South Carolina is not a battle ground state and he won’t do much to help McCain in the mid-western battle ground states. Oh, and he lives on a plantation. He’s lived there since high school. A fucking plantation owner running against a black guy. How’s that sound? Like change? Did I mention he supports South Carolina flying the Confederate flag? AND THAT HE LIVES ON A FUCKING PLANTATION?

Mike Huckabee, crazy religious guy.

Pro:

The crazy religious right would come out in droves to vote for a ticket with Mike Huckabee on it. He’s funny, personable and a decent speaker. He is a rag to riches story that hopefully peaked when he was governor of Arkansas from 1996 to 2007.

Con:

He’s sort of living in the year 2. His religious beliefs are frighteningly backward, which would not help with Catholic voters in battleground states. If you think what Wright said is bad, as soon as Huckabee became VP, you can bet a shitload of heinous material would spring forth. That’s why Baptist ministers don’t become president. Huckabee is never going to be VP, so quit talking about it.

The Curve Ball:

Jodi Rell, governor of Connecticut,

Pro:

She has a vagina. Rell is incredibly popular in Connecticut, with approval ratings around 80%. She served 10 years in the state legislator, then three as Lieutenant Governor and finally was elected governor in 2004. She knows how to work the system. She is a breast cancer survivor and appeals to suburban voters. Oh, and she’s married to a Navy pilot. Along with the heinous Lieberman, she could possibly swing Connecticut to McCain.

Con:

Went to but never graduated from college. She is moderate Republican, which won’t help McCain with conservatives. Other than that, she’s kind of a blank slate and doesn’t bring a lot of baggage. If McCain wants to pick up some of the angry middle-aged female Hillary voters, Rell is the way to go.

That’s it. Anyone not on my list has no fucking chance. I’d put my money on Rell.

Merry Asshole Fuckface Day. This is the day you look forward to all week, because it makes you feel better about your life. The Buddha was the first guy to say, “You know what? We really need to look down on some fuckers.” And then Jesus said, “No shit, bro.” That’s how the Asshole Fuckface Roundup started. True story.

Each week I scour the news to find the worst people on the planet. Then I display them in all their glory for you to mock and imagine throwing rocks at. They are hideous beasts and we are better than them. Hoorah. Now, wrap yourself in several layers of newspaper and prepare yourself mentally, because this is going to be ugly.

My first Asshole Fuckface probably shouldn’t be breeding.

Meet Stacie Marie Davis, 29, of Cookeville, Tennessee. She’s the mother of nine-month-old daughter, Autumn. Last week, Stacie and Autumn were sitting on the kitchen floor, when the baby bit Davis on the forehead. Wow. Shocking. Imagine that. You’re just sitting on the floor with your baby when it lashes out and tries to eat your head. What to do?

Fuck yeah, you did. Don’t take no shit from that baby! If she hits you, punch her soft skull. You want some of this shit, baby? Huh? Cause I got more where that come from. You've got to teach that little bitch a lesson, even though she doesn’t have the ability to understand reason yet.

Stacie was arrested after a family member snitched. When the police investigated nine hours later, Autumn still had teeth marks on her arm. You know, from where HER MOTHER BIT HER. Autumn has been placed with her father, but Stacie is going to fight to get her daughter back.

Super. And don’t chew on your baby anymore.

Thankfully, Davis seems to understand it was wrong.

Bad advice? What the fuck? Someone actually recommended this? Hello mystery Asshole Fuckface. Welcome. Now, please bite yourself in the face. (I don’t know, either.)

Hopefully, the father isn’t Asshole Fuckface Marquis Lee of Newport, Virginia. If that is Autumn's Dad, she’s totally fucked.

Bad week to be a baby.

Lee has been charged with assault and battery, resisting arrest, child abuse and neglect, and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. I guess there is no specific law against “baby throwing.”

Next up, an Asshole Fuckface judge.

Oh, Texas, why so batshit crazy?

This week a family in Cameron County sued a judge – not for cash, they just want the Asshole Fuckface removed from the bench. Why? Well, it seems their 14-year-old daughter was appearing in Gustavo Garza’s court on a charge of truancy and the judge got all Singapore on her ass.

Um. That’s great for a young girls self image. A nice public ass paddling always does a teen girl good. I’m sure she won’t be in court for truancy again, mostly because she’s still curled up in a ball in her shower.

I guess it really depends on the animal. For instance, a hamster would be pretty fucked, while a cow wouldn’t even bat an eye. But neither of those animals are familiar with shame, like a 14-year-old girl.

The judge has refused to say whether or not other people have been spanked in his court – and if he jerks off under his robe while the spankings take place. Yesterday, a hearing on his spanking restraining order was postponed so the Asshole Fuckface could find a lawyer. (Apparently, Judge Spanky McSpankerman didn't know he'd need a lawyer.)

Next up, some California tax happy Asshole Fuckfaces.

We here in California are seriously retarded when it comes to taxes. Thirty years ago we approved the horrible tax cut Proposition 13, which has caused our state to turn to shit. Our roads suck. Our schools are a fucking disaster. Every year we cut back on more health services and more and more people suffer. While our idiot lawmakers make sure there are no taxes on luxury yachts, some of them are campaigning to implement a massive tax on porn.

Meet Asshole Fuckface Democrats Cathleen Galgiani and Charles Calderon of the California State Assembly. They think porn is bad and they want it to be taxed – like cigarettes and alcohol. They have proposed a 25 percent tax be levied on strip club fees, pornographic movies, pay-per-view films, sex toys and more. If it gives you a boner, or makes your vagina moist, you should have to pay.

The bill would actually be applied to anything that falls under our 2257 Section 18 laws. What does that mean?

So, basically, fun. They want to tax fun.

Asshole Fuckface Calderon has been touring the state with ex-porn stars, who explain how horrible porn is and why it should be taxed. This might be a good time to mention that what an ex porn star thinks of the effects of porn doesn’t fucking matter. Then again, we are so fucking moronic, maybe we had ex-brewers tour the state when we were implementing our last alcohol tax.

Here’s a tip: How about a psychologist or a medical doctor who has some sort of proof of the negative effects of porn? Oh, you can’t find anyone? Well, good luck because for some reason, the “I used to fuck on camera” lady doesn’t really persuade me that I should have to pay more to jerk off.

And that’s really what we are talking about here. They are trying to compare it to alcohol and tobacco, but there is no comparison. Porn makes you want to rub you little man in the boat, or tug on your Johnson. It doesn’t cause cancer – unless you’re doing it really, really wrong.

Asshole Fuckfaces Calderon and Galgiani believe the taxes could raise $665 million a year. And who is going to stand up for porn? It's a huge boner kill.

Finally, we come to our video Asshole Fuckface of the week.

John McCain’s campaign continues to show the world how horribly inept they are when it comes to the internet. It is really astounding how old gramps and his people look every time they come near the crazy world of tubes. This week, they started an online contest to find the best person in the world, or some shit like that.



Holy fucking shit! Dude, you can actually tape that shit more than once. You don’t have to go with the first try. And congrats on the lamest contest, ever. Seriously, that should be awesome if you are able to build a time machine and go back about twenty years. I’m going to be very inspired by the idiots on You Tube nominating their moronic neighbors because of the perceived right wing “selfless” acts.

Of course it will lead to the horrible, inevitable posting. Check out this Asshole Fuckface submission:



Asshole Fuckface, indeed.

Congrats to all of this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each win a FearTheReaper engraved hammer to hit yourselves in the face with.

Last week, John McCain proposed an idea so incredibly stupid that Hillary Clinton decided to jump on board the next day. McCain and Clinton want to have a “gas tax holiday," which is a retarded way of saying they want to suspend the 18.4-cent-per-gallon federal gas tax and the 24.4-cent diesel tax between Memorial Day and Labor Day.

They say it would save Americans 10 billion dollars! Wow! That’s awesome. Until you use your brain, do a little math and realize $10 billion divided by America equals around 30 bucks each. Thirty bucks is now also known as a half a tank of gas. But then you lose that 30 bucks in damage done to your car by under funded roads.

Barack Obama is opposed to the gastard holiday – mostly because he’s not a pandering moron. That means Hillary gets to call him an elitist and say he’s out of touch with the average American. Just so we understand this situation, a lady who is worth $134 million dollars is saying that a guy worth $4 million is out of touch because he doesn’t want to give people $30 for an entire summer.



Yummy, yummy rich people. What a tool she is. Never mind that she was against a gas tax holiday in 2000.

And that guy named Bill Clinton used to be against this idea.

Why didn’t Bill think the savings would be passed on to customers? Two reasons: First, gas companies are evil and they will just up the prices. Second, when you eliminate the gas tax, demand goes up, and then the price will go back up to what it was before the tax. It’s called economics. But, Hillary doesn’t want economics to get in the way.

Oh, Christ, someone shoot me in the face. Please fucking kill me. I can’t take how stupid these people are.

Hillary is, of course, attempting to use it as a wedge issue in ads.



You go girl! Best way to win the Democratic nomination is to become a Republican!

The McCaintards are also taking swipes at Obama for wanting an economically sound policy.

Right. Obama did support a gas tax holiday. That’s why he’s against it now, you fucking dipshit. God, why can’t I shit in the mouths of guys like this? Just once, I want to crouch over one of these guy’s faces and crap in their dumb hole. Amen.

Back in 2000, when prices were going apeshit and hitting $2 a gallon, Illinois politicians decided to give people a break. Obama and other lawmakers voted for a six-month holiday from the state’s 5-cent gas tax. The state lost $175 million in revenue, while the actual savings was only 3 cents per gallon because oil companies just upped prices.

So, the McCain campaign is calling Obama a flip-flopper because he had the audacity to make a mistake and LEARN from it. Good stuff. McCain and Clinton are the worst kind of politicians in this instance. They are panderers attempting to take advantage of Americans who are having a hard time. They are playing to the emotions and vulnerabilities of people who are having major economic difficulties – which makes McCain and Clinton scum.

Nearly every economist agrees that the gas tax holiday would be a total disaster. Gas prices would simply adjust back up to where they were before the tax break. And it would have a profound negative effect on our roads and highways.

Oh, hey, people work on roads and highways? You mean that $10 billion in tax revenue that goes to improve roads leads to jobs? Holy shit! Who would have thunk?

But I'm coming from a different place. I believe gas should be expensive. I think Detroit needs to build some decent cars that get over 5 miles per gallon. Right now American car makers are living in a fantasy land, a world that ceased to exist years ago. I think we need to drive less and think of alternative ways to get around. We need to invest in the energy-efficient and climate-friendly transportation alternatives. We are addicted to artificially cheap fuel and the best solution is to change how we operate.

A true leader would stand up and say, “America, you need to only drive out of necessity for one week. Those that can take the bus or a train, will. Those who can work from home, will. Those who can ride a bike, will. Those who can walk, will walk. Let's take a holiday from gas. Only by cutting our consumption will we lower prices.”

But that would take a leader, not a pandering fuck monkey.

As if the Democratic debate from Philadelphia last week wasn't a big enough farce, all three presidential candidates made appearances on World Wrestling Entertainment’s Monday Night Raw in the form of prerecorded vignettes.

Senators Hillary Rodham Clinton, Barack Obama and Republican hopeful John McCain all delivered addresses laced with wrestling references in an apparent attempt to inspire America’s lowest common denominator to vote in the November general election.

"This election is starting to feel a lot like King of the Ring," the 60-year-old former First Lady said, referencing one of the sports entertainment giant’s dozen pay-per-view events. "The only difference, the last man standing, may just be a woman."

It’s a far cry from her husband’s saxophone performance on The Arsenio Hall Show more than a decade ago.

"Do you smell what Barack is cooking?" asked Sen. Obama in an ode to former WWE star Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

Perhaps channeling The Rock – a Pennsylvania native – could pay off for Obama in Tuesday’s crucial primary in the Keystone State.

As the oldest of the three Presidential hopefuls, one would have hoped Sen. McCain would have had enough sense to forgo the invitation of the WWE.

At 71, and presumably unopposed on the Republican ticket, the one-time prisoner of war said he and his “McCaniacs” would run wild, in a nod to wrestling and reality TV superstar Hulk Hogan.

"If you want be the man, you have to beat the man,” said McCain, referencing Ric Flair – arguably the most decorated wrestler of all time. “Come November, it'll be game over."

Sadly, it may be over for us all, no matter who wins.

Thirty-one days until the corn engorged people of Iowa shuffle into voting booths and pick from the saddest field of GOP candidates in a long, long time. Then the insane mountain lunatics from New Hampshire will follow five days later. At that point I expect a name to emerge that will scare the shit out of every sane person in the country: Huckabee.

Huckabee pretty much annihilated the competition in Wednesday’s Republican debate, which has led to another bounce. It’s not his first bounce, either. He got one from the Ames Straw poll in August and has been rising ever since.

A December 1st poll of Republican voters shows Huckabee pulling ahead in Iowa for the first time. In early October, the same poll had Mitt Romney ahead by 17 percentage points. Shit, Huckabee used to be behind the walking corpse called Fred Thompson. But now the Christian psycho is on a roll.

It doesn't look as good for Huckabee in New Hampshire, where he is sitting in the middle of the pack, but also rising. With 15%, he has his highest support yet in New Hampshire and is way up from the 4% he had in September. Romney is kicking ass in the militia state, while Giuliani and McCain are slipping down. Huckabee should get a big bounce if he wins Iowa and could easily close on Romney.

Giuliani is collapsing into a giant shit heap. He has slipped into third in Iowa with 13% and is tied for second place in New Hampshire with Huckabee and McCain. But in New Hampshire he is trending down. Also, he has some major electability problems in Iowa.

Those are not good numbers, considering they are coming from his party. Giuliani's new Shag Fund scandal should completely doom him, unless of course, conservatives are okay with a guy having the NYPD pay for his fuck trips, act like a cab for his mistress and her friends around town, drive her to her parents house in Pennsylvania and walk her dog. Yes, he had cops walk his mistress’ dog. He’s done.

Fred Thompson is fourth in Iowa, but there is no reason to even discuss him.

McCain is pretty screwed as well. He’s sitting in fifth in Iowa with 7% and second in New Hampshire with 15%. With his kind of name recognition he should be doing much better. And contrary to what Ron Paul’s insane followers want you to think, he is just a zit on the ass of the Republican field. Paul is tied with McCain for fifth in Iowa and in New Hampshire has a whopping 8%. But that is not the worst news for Paul.

Iowa:

New Hampshire:

Paul is plowing forward with a lot of cash but Republicans just don’t like him. All he has been able to do is catch the already dead McCain in Iowa. Congrats, loser.

Shut the fuck up. Ron Paul already lost.

This race is looking like Huckabee and Mitt Romney. Mitt has decent numbers in Iowa and fantastic numbers in New Hampshire. Much of that is due to the fact that Romney has completely out spent his fellow candidates in the two states.

Unfortunately, he is now slipping in Iowa and has dropped five points since October to 24% as of last week. But in New Hampshire, Romney is a Mormon freight train.

You go, girl.

The key fact in this mess is that Huckabee hasn’t been spending money. He’s been doing it all with a grass roots following, public appearances and through debates. Now that Huckabee is ahead in Iowa, expect him to get a massive infusion of cash and become a serious contender for president. Right now he has the best chance. Scary.

No, seriously, it’s the best. It’s like I have a superhuman ability to predict the political future. While I recognize that with great power comes great responsibility, I have no problem shirking that responsibility in favor of juvenile gloating. And so I will:

Ha HA! I was right. And it feels so, so good.

I suppose you’re wondering what I’m talking about. I guess I’ll let you in on it. In the spring, I wrote an article here discussing the arguments heard in Federal Election Commission v. Wisconsin Right to Life, Inc., a Supreme Court case testing the constitutionality of a specific provision of the McCain-Feingold campaign reform bill. That bill was of course written by current GOP nominee hopeful John McCain. That provision made it illegal for non-profit organizations to broadcast issue ads that were targeted at specific candidates for office. In my (typically excellent) article, I wrote:

A few months later, the Court, as I predicted, struck down the provision. In a confusing opinion that ignored very recent precedent, the Court held that non-profit advertisers could target any candidate they wanted so long as the advertisement could not reasonably be interpreted to be a direct appeal to voters.

It’s now a few months even later and we’re now in the heat of the primary season. So guess which candidate was the first to have one of these new types of ads run in his favor?

Dun, dun, DUUUUUUUUUUN.

Thank you, thank you. I know I rule, but please hold your applause until I finish.

The ad was sponsored by a group called the Foundation for a Secure and Prosperous America. It is also available for viewing on their website. It features glowing praise of our soldiers, McCain, and Republican Senator Lindsay Graham. It does the classic political ad “black-and-white unflattering photos with scary music” tactic with Nancy Pelosi and no-name Democratic representative David Obey of Wisconsin, essentially accusing them of hating our troops. All in all, it’s pretty typical campaign stuff. Except that unlike those typical campaign ads you see, the Foundation for a Secure and Prosperous America does not have to disclose who is funding them. They do not have to include a statement of responsibility from the candidates represented. This is because they are taking advantage of that loophole in McCain-Feingold created by FEC v. Wisconsin Right to Life. Yippee!

As the New York Times points out, there’s something fishy going on here.

So, to sum up: McCain’s supporters set up a sham non-profit (a “501(c)4”, for those of you who care about citations) to run ads outside campaign finance laws that he set up and that paint him in his most positive light. Meanwhile, McCain himself gets to deny a connection because those supporters don’t have to disclose any such connection. The ads get to run unfettered.

Now, it’s possible that McCain is actually telling the truth and indeed doesn’t want an ad like this to run in his favor. He could be earnestly pissed off that someone pushing his candidacy would so brazenly flaunt the rules that he would like people to live by. ‘Who are these rapscallions” he must be bellowing, “and how dare they sully my good Christian name?!”

That could be the case. Except for this one juicy little nugget of information:

Well if that don’t just beat all. I’m shocked, I say. Shocked!

See, it turns out that because McCain can’t raise money the normal way, this is the only shot he’s got to stay in the race. The scary thing is that it appears to be working.

McCain’s poll numbers in many early primary states have jumped over the past few weeks, as he’s cut the lead Giuliani once had on him in half. Whereas before that would not have mattered because he would not have been able to outspend other candidates, now he doesn’t have to worry about those pesky campaign laws and his buddies can do the work for him. Everybody wins!

Of course, in the interest of fairness, this is a loophole that will be exploited extensively by both sides. George Soros has already set up organizations to do this for Democratic candidates as well. Personally, I don’t even mind the practice too much (though I think the organizations should have to disclose their donors). However, the irony in the fact that the first shot in the 501(c)4 war was fired across the bow by McCain’s boys is just out-fucking-standing.

But more important than all of that is the inescapably glorious truth: I was right.

Again.

Y’alls owe Subrosa a fiver.

Either that, or he’s a fucking moron. Seriously, it’s the only way one could come to the same conclusion he did last weekend when he said the following in an video interview:

While it’s certainly not news that 55% of Americans are idiots, it is a bit annoying that a man trying for the nation’s highest office could be so clueless as to the contents of our country’s founding document. The interview, which was conducted by Beliefnet.com, a multi-denominational Christian website, contained many other inaccuracies and shocking statements. We’ll get to those later, but I want to take this point-by-point here.

First of all, it’s true that McCain proceeded to qualify the above statement by saying that he meant the above in the “broadest sense” and that the Country is founded on Christian “principles”. That’s all well and good (and historically questionable in itself), but it’s light years from the Constitution setting up a “Christian Nation”.

There are exactly two explicit references to religion in the U.S. Constitution. They are in Article 6:

And in the First Amendment:

That’s it. That’s the extent of the explicit religious mentions in the Constitution. Two passages. Both go out of their way to separate the government from religion and establish the United States as a secular state. There is no reference to “Under God” or (as McCain claims later in the interview) “In God We Trust”, nor does the presidential oath say anything about swearing upon the Bible or “so help me God”. None of it. The U.S. even signed a treaty less than a decade after the Constitution’s ratification that emphatically stated:

People like McCain or the other 55% of people out there are just living in self-important delusional fantasies if they think the framers wanted a “Christian Nation”. They’re just fucking wrong and for a presidential candidate to associate himself with this dimwittery is shameful.

Naturally, McCain didn’t stop there in his effort to mollify his Christian critics and up his God-O-Meter rating. Oh no.

Well, thank goodness he said that he admired “the Islam” before saying they would not be qualified to be president. Otherwise, I might think he were applying a religious test to his voting decisions. And even if he were, that would be OK because I’ll bet 55% of Americans think the Founding Fathers were big fans of religious tests for public office too.

But how does Captain Christian Principles feel about Mitt Romney? After all, Mormons are kinda different too.

McCain, after taking heat from Jewish and Muslim groups for the above statements, did some of his trademarked straight-talkin’ backpedaling.

So, to sum up: he digs the Islam, but they are way lower on the Magnificent scale than Mormons so he’d be very uncomfortable voting for a Muslim for president. Also, he would vote for one if he or she would lead the country and defend our values.

Makes perfect sense. Way to stand on your principles, champ.

It’s official; the Republican presidential candidates are a disaster. A new AP poll found that Republicans chose “Other/None/Don’t Know” over the leading candidates. Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, John McCain and new savior Fred Thompson all came in behind nothing.

The Republicans have created their own problems. Apparently, any candidate has to meet religious, economic and security standards that are nearly impossible. Oh, and he’s got to have the correct ideas for stopping those horrible immigrants. All of the candidates are greatly lacking on one area or the other. None have secured the support of the religious lunatic fringe. As the campaign drags on, Republicans are actually losing support.

Maybe they should keep their mouths shut and hide in a shack in the mountains. Seems like they would have a better chance because whatever they are doing is not working.

Giuliani has dropped from 35% in March to 21%. McCain’s campaign is in freefall, having lost many of his top campaign staffers and used up all of his money. Mitt Romney is plagued by past support for abortion rights and gay rights. Fred Thompson, also once supported abortion rights and was recently caught lying about his stance. Every candidate but Romney has been divorced, but Rudy leads the pack with three. However, Romney has the terrible problem of being from a crazy religion that Christians are not down with - which cancels out the perfect family life.

Meanwhile, Democrats are happy with their candidates.

The enthusiasm for Democrats and lack of love for Republicans is leading to a large cash advantage. From April to June, Democrats raised 30 million dollars more than Republicans. Candidates who raise the most money win the election. That’s how America works.

At this point, the only thing that would energize Republicans would be Hillary winning the Democratic nomination. If that occurred, Republican funding would surge. Barring that scenario, the Republicans are going to need a new candidate. Here’s what they are looking for:

A candidate who hates gays, loves fetuses, will stop immigrants at all cost, will bomb Iran, Syria, and North Korea, keep troops in Iraq forever, will lower taxes more, pardon George Bush, is a good Christian, hates universal health care, carries an AK47, hates Muslims, loves the CIA and people who out their agents, wants to invade Cuba, will torture their mother if necessary, will commit voter fraud, will privatize Social Security, will privatize roads, will privatize air, will privatize cats, not allow stem cell research, lower the minimum wage and have the courage to murder our forests.

Shouldn’t be hard to find that guy.

Naturally we are expected to assume that when Senator McCain tells us that he meant it as a joke, we should take it as such and just let it go. But what fun would that be?



McCain thought it would be rip-roaring funny to answer a question on what he though of Iran with a song parody of the Beach Boys' "Barbara Ann" with the words "Bomb Iran" instead.

Whether or not bombing Iran would be a good move is not the question. His way of getting the message across surely could have been handled better. Saying you're just kidding right afterwards doesn't fix everything.

Or so say the first quarter fundraising reports, at least. Not only did he report over 66% more individual donors than Senator Hillary Clinton, he actually managed to convince a fair number of ex-Clinton loyalists to drop some coin in his bucket instead of hers.

Oh snap! Those two-timing S.O.B’s!

The numbers detailing Obama’s surprising showing don’t end there.

So, to sum up: Senator Obama had 40,000 more donors donating almost $6 million more than Senator Clinton for the first quarter of 2007 in fundraising for next year’s presidential Primary. He also out-earned her $6.9 million to $4.2 million in internet donations. That’s a pretty thorough butt-kicking… sort of.

The caveat to all of those numbers is that Clinton still has by far the biggest war chest with over $30 million in available funds. Obama is second with $19 million (Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani are distant runners-up with around $11 million each. Actually outside of Romney’s impressive $20 million haul, the Republicans got their asses handed to them, but that’s another story.) It is conceivable that some of Clinton’s former donors decided to give to Obama because they felt she didn’t need the money and Obama did. I suppose some might have considered it a way to even the playing field.

As a Democratic voter myself, I am both surprised at the fundraising strength of Senator Obama and a bit wary of the bitter political battle that could erupt between he and Senator Clinton. If the Republicans get their shit together and stand united behind a candidate, the big money GOP donors will follow. Especially if a tussle at the Democratic top leaves blood in the water for the sharks to smell.

The question then, is whether this dual-barreled Democratic fundraising monster is actually good for the Democratic party. If you’re just looking at pure numbers, Clinton and Obama seem like the strongest candidates (yes, I’m aware that McCain and Giuliani tend to beat Clinton and Obama in head-to-head polls, but such polls this far out are notoriously unreliable not to mention that the gap between them is shrinking rapidly,) but if the Big Blue Two are forced to unleash their arsenal on each other, will the damage be too much to overcome in the general election for whoever is left standing? Moreover, for all their differences a McCain-Giuliani superticket is not entirely out of the question. Can we say the same for a Clinton-Obama slate? I don’t know, but for some reason it feels less likely.

Of course, we’re a long way off. But if fundraising numbers are any indication (and they usually are), Barack Obama is going to be in the thick of this thing for quite a while. Full records of all the candidates’ financial statements can be found here.

A new MoveOn.org campaign video was just released on YouTube and it has some serious homosexual undertones. The commercial’s objective is to tie McCain to the new Iraq escalation plan but it also makes quite a decent argument that the Senator and the President are very, very close.

One image shows McCain nestled into Bush with his arm draped around the President’s tummy. Another image shows them with their heads together, like two lovers having a nice moment. And a third makes it appear that a mischievous McCain is about to get a kiss on the ear from Bush.

It can only be described as delightful.

The new torture bill being peddled by the White House and the Senate includes loopholes that allow for rape, sexual assault and sexual abuse. Serbia would be so proud of us. In it’s current form, the bill could make it impossible to prosecute rape or sexual assault as torture. In order to prosecute torture, according to the legislation, there must be specific proof of intent to commit a crime. Motive is nearly impossible to prove in cases of rape or assault according to Rhonda Copelon, a professor of law at the City University of New York.

The bill only mentions rape or sexual assault twice and both times the wording creates loopholes to allow American torturers to engage in the heinous acts. The bill blatantly does not define rape as sex without consent, which is how federal law defines it. Without fear of prosecution guards or interrogators could easily rape inmates as the bill is currently written.

The bill’s definition of sexual abuse is also very narrow, requiring physical contact. These means prisoners could be ordered to strip, and forced into a pile of other naked prisoners (Abu Ghraib) or wear underwear on their head while someone takes nice photos.

Neither Sen. Lindsey Graham nor Sen. John McCain, the bill's authors, responded to questions from the New York Times about why they are okay with rape.

Karl Rove is apparently yearning for a government more like Mussolini’s and let loose with some harsh words for journalists on Saturday. Wanna be fascist Rove criticized journalists, saying they play a “corrosive role” in politics. He claims journalists want to “draw attention” away from their own role in government.

What a horrible argument, Karl. How do you survive the day with these people nipping at your heels?

I cannot think of a man more worthy of criticizing focusing the attention on process and not substance than Karl Rove. When fighting for his boy in the 2000 South Carolina primary, Rove made sure the focus was on substance by creating a “whispering campaign” about McCain’s mental health, his wife's admitted battle with a dependency on prescription drugs and whether he had fathered a black child out of wedlock.

He also loaded Republican operatives from Washington, D.C., onto a bus and sent them to Florida in 2000, where they played the part of "angry Florida mob" shouting and intimidating the bureaucrats who had the unenviable job of evaluating the ballots.

God damn corrosive journalists.