DIY Stimulation May Be DIY Cure
I have to say, I enjoyed reading about this rather dubious bit of not-so-scientific research, which was published in The Journal of Medical Hypotheses. A DIY healer who has issues with Sudafed theorizes that regularly induced ejaculations may cure nasal congestion in mature males. In his paper S. Zarrintan Esq. notes the following:
The emission phase of ejaculation is under the control of the sympathetic nervous system, which of course has lots of adrenergic receptors. The author reasons that ejaculation will stimulation adrenergic receptors in the refractory period immediately afterward, and stimulation of your adrenergic receptors will give you relief from your cold.
The Evil Monkey, who claims to have a Ph.D. in Neuroscience, posted excerpts from the by-subscription-only paper on his page at ScienceBlogs.com. He explains that Zarrintan:
...proposes that, with proper scheduling of masturbation and/or sexual intercourse a guy could keep his nose clear for the rest of his life!
I have to wonder weather similar stimulation will have the same effect on women. Though Zarrintan seems to have failed to extend his research beyond those with XY chromosomes, Im prepared to do a little research of my own
Thanks to BoingBoing.com for bringing this "news" item to our attention.
True Stories by Rob Corddry: Reasons I Havent Written in Weeks
O Dear friends! What a prolonged spell! What a gap! Where has the laughter gone? Why the tears? Why the tears, baby? You know Id never mean to hurt you! I just cant control myself! Whos my special reader? Whos my special reader? You are! You are!
(pause here while Rob lifts up your shirt and kisses your belly button. His unshaven chin tickles you a little. Hes looking into your eyes now. Youre falling. Falling. All is forgiven. Within moments he is finger-banging you. Mmm.)
So, Im back. I feel terrible. I know you guys come to this site for the culture. You get your geek-fix from Wil, you get your hard news from Marisa, you get an instruction on how-not-to-write from Kessleman, and from me
you get a page and a half of vicodin-laced stories abut how cool my wife is, which she totally eats-the-fuck-up by the way.
Im in New York shooting a very, very important film (a comedy in the romantic vein, something for the ladies) and my wife and daughter fly in today so before I trek out to JFK to scoop them up Ill explain my absence.
1. I was busy. But not really. I dont mean every second was taken up by something, I was just busy being somewhere else that wasnt home, you know? It takes a lot of psychic energy to go somewhere and do something. I have a Suicide Girls routine which is hard to follow here in NY. It involves a lubricant containing a live culture that is illegal on the East Coast. Get with it, East Coast!
2. Im lazy. But not really. Ive actually had an inordinate amount of energy lately, but its all been spent on taking the subway to Buy Buy Baby to get socket plugs and going to Trader Joes so that my wife has that egg-white salad she loves so much. God, what a special lady, huh?
3. Im spending a lot of time on set. In my trailer. Doing nothing. Perfect time to write you may ask? No. Perfect time to nap. Perfect time to make phone calls. Perfect time to organize my digital music into inventive Smart Playlists. Perfect time to masturbate. I love my wife.
4. Im trying to invent a time machine. Ask Wil, thats HARD.
5. Television is fun to watch.
6. Ive been eating a lot of citrus. Ive been cooking soufflés. Ive been reading Erma Bombecks back catalogue. Ive been trimming bonsai trees.
7. Im a functional alcoholic. That means lots of dinner parties and wine tastings. I only attend functions where it would be uncivilized not to drink. I rarely drink alone (unless no one is with me) so a gallery opening is the easiest place for me to rationalize a self-medication. Try writing with half-a-hangover. No way Jose. Seriously Jose, how many times do I have to tell you to shut-up?
8. Im insecure. Ive been going through a molting process. I cant seem to say, write or do a funny thing. Im worried that Im a plagiarist at heart; a comedy-vampire with timing. But like The Hungry Caterpillar Im eating a lot of green leaves and will soon be a Beautiful Butterfly. I love you very, very much. Fuck off.
9. I never know how to end these things.
Jerking Off Is Now A Crime, Please Kill Me
There is something worse than living in Florida: Being sent to a prison in Florida. There is something worse than living in a prison in Florida: Not being able to jerk off in a prison in Florida. This week a 20-year-old inmate in the Broward County jail was convicted of masturbating while alone in his jail cell. You read that correctly. A 20-year-old dude was convicted of jerking off while he was alone in his jail cell. Im going to write that one more time, just in case you are having as hard a time with this as I am. A 20-year-old was convicted of rubbing his cock until semen shot out while he was alone in a jail cell. He convicted of indecent exposure and sentenced to 60 days for the offense. Florida is officially the worst place, ever.
I find it difficult to be alone with my cock in my bedroom without touching it and I am not deprived of sex. My wife allows me to place my penis in her often and move it about until it goes, ugh and releases some sort of sauce. I am lucky. If I were alone in a jail cell, I would attack my penis until it looked like it had lasted fifteen rounds with Mike Tyson in his prime. There would be no stopping how often and how furiously I would masturbate. It would keep me off drugs and out of an Aryan gang. I would have no need to shank anyone, ever. The fact that masturbation is somehow illegal in prison boggles the mind.
Seven other inmates have also been charged with rubbing their cocks to orgasm. Three of the inmates have accepted plea deals, three are awaiting trial and one had his case dismissed. The same deputy, who just happens to be female, charged all of them. I think it is safe to say a man would never charge another man for jerking off.
During the trial, jurors were asked about their own masturbation habits. They were also asked to raise their hands if they had never masturbated. Not one juror put their naughty hand up. And that is just the beginning of the worst trial in the history of mankind.
Prosecutor Cynthia Lauriston and the female deputy who complained, after observing him on a monitor as he was alone in his cell, "managed to describe Alexander's offense in startling detail, eight times, once with Lauriston approximating the action with arm motions.
Nicely done. The defense attorney actually asked the guard if she had considered calling in the SWAT team to stop the prisoner from masturbating.
"Did other inmates start masturbating because of Mr. Alexander?" Ms. McHugh asked Ms. Veal, "Did you call a Swat team?"
"I wish I had," the deputy replied.
Well played, you fucking lunatic. He should have been shot for his horrible self-loving. Why do I think you have never had an orgasm? You just seem bitter.
The jury convicted after determining that a prison cell was neither public nor private but was a "limited access public place. What a prudent use of state of Floridas money. The only person worse than the prison guard is the prosecutor who took this crap to trail. We should all rub one out in protest.
Don't Touch That Dial! People Are Touching Themselves
Forget Shark Week. In what could be the best programming stunt ever, Channel 4 in the U.K. is planning a weeklong series of shows dedicated to... masturbation.
"Wank Week" will celebrate the favorite activity of many (most?) of us. The highlight of the week will be a documentary on the U.K.'s first "masturbate-a-thon" competition.
In what must surely be one of the summer's more bizarre events, hundreds of people are expected to gather in a hall in central London on August 5 to pleasure themselves in aid of charity.
Prizes will be on offer for those who clock up the most orgasms and those who can masturbate the longest - the current record, according to the organisers, is a chafing eight-and-a-half hours.
The wank-a-thon is organized by the San Francisco-based Center for Sex and Culture, which is using the event to raise money for safe sex groups.
Channel 4 executive Andrew MacKenzie seems confident this will be a ratings-grabber.
"Following on from the success of 'Penis week', we feel this is exactly the type of provocative and mischievous programming that Channel 4 should be covering in the 11pm slot."
Right now someone at Fox is taking notes.
Official wank-a-thon logo