The great thing about buying a car these days is that there is so much (SOOO MUCH!) information about every single version of every single model. NOTHING is left to chance except whether or not you read the right blogs, consumer reports and remember to get your CARFAX History Report that tells you how many oil changes occurred during the car’s lifetime, how many windshield wiper blades have been replaced (front and rear) how much sex has been had in the rear seat (front and rear) whether there is actually a dead person in the trunk, and if Ozzy Osbourne ate a bat in the passenger seat. It’s both stunning and mind numbingly boring and it makes me want to start a Russian Roulette Blindfold Car Mart (that’s because I’m a contrary fuck, always have been).

Then, I remembered that there is a field, a business, an art form where the R.R.B.C.M. is commonplace. Yes! You’ve guessed it….the music business! Come on down!

There is no consumer report that warns, points, or guides us about THE REASONS BANDS BREAK UP. For instance, a five second Google search can return that the 2001 Honda Civic is by far the model most plagued with problems. There is no website, blog, book, YouTube video, or directory where you can gauge the likelihood of how prone a middle aged bass player is to alcoholic tendencies or a predication for underage girls. Lead singers and guitarists – well, where do we start? How about the drummer that used to be in PiL, worked with Ministry and NiN? ... should come with warning, “watch out this bright spark might write a book, Tour Smart!

In the interest of due diligence and possibly starting my own BANDFAX History Report business (which I’m thinking of calling BandFaxTic!), I’ve done some research...Well, more accurately, I had some of the students at my new school do it. Let’s have a look at some early results. Please feel free to contribute. We have created a public Google document that you can add to. Go here to read more stories and contribute.

A never ending list of reasons why bands break up:
1. Sandwiches are dangerous: Ask Karen Carpenter (allergic to), Elvis (BLT with banana) and the singer from the Libertines (heroin sandwich?)

2. Girlfriends are dangerous: Ask The Beatles, Elliot Smith, or just about anyone on the planet.

3. Navigational problems: Ask The Kinks, Minor Threat, Kid Dynamite, The Smiths all parted ways because of “different musical directions” while Marc Bolan of T Rex actually drove into a tree.

4. Leadsingeritis: Ask any band with a lead singer! Ha, only serious, or more accurately…………lead singer dying-itis…..maaaaaan: Nirvana, The Doors, Queen, Sublime, Alice In Chains, Joy Division, INXS, the Germs, and the list goes on and on and on.

5. Legal Zoom dot com: Ask N.W.A., Dream Street, Bad Brains, Dead Kennedys, 30 seconds to Mars.

6. Leadsingeritis part two – the curse of massive greatness: Pulp, The Talking Heads, The Jam, Rage Against the Machine, The Smashing Pumpkins

7. Drugs and alcohol: Fill in the name of any band here___________________

8. Unable to follow up the amazing last album – Eagles (also file under Legal Zoom) Geneva, also called the “where are they now” department.

I hope this all helps. So far, from a scientific standpoint, it looks like it boils down to this: don’t start a band whatever you do. If you won’t listen to me and do start a band, then DO NOT get in a van, a bus, or god forbid a PLANE. Don’t do drugs, a sandwich, or anyone else’s girlfriend. Make sure you hire a lawyer (or two!) before you begin playing any instrument (even if you are a parent and your 4-year-old child is just mastering the harpsichord – I especially mean you!) Don’t leave the country. Don’t write any songs and for fuck’s sake don’t come up with a name, an album cover, or t-shirt design.

Forewarned is fore-armed. And remember, for a long time it looked like Ginger Spice leaving the Spice Girls was the end. But, now they are re-united and better than ever...just remember that when everything seems hopeless!

I’m out and about as always. Come say hi:

Tuesday, October 6th - Chicago, IL
New Music Seminar Chicago - Panel Speaker. Pre-registration is open and you can get an additional 10% off using code: NMSCHICAGO24986.

Sunday, October 11th - Philadelphia, PA.
School of Rock - Guest Lecture. 1508 Brandywine St, Philadelphia, PA 19130

Friday, November 20th - Sunday, November 22nd - Philadelphia, PA
School of Rock - Guest Performances; 1508 Brandywine St., Philadelphia, PA 19130

Wednesday, March 10, 2010 - Saturday, March 13, 2010 - Toronto, Canada
Canadian Music Week - Conference, Panel Speaker. Times TBD.

And if you really want to get serious about this stuff, I’m finally teaching my Touring 101 class online through Madison Media Institute. They’ll give you college credit. Fill out the form here for more information.

Vote for my SXSW panel, “Welcome to the Music Business – You’re Fucked”

Vote for my new twitter t-shirt – dont #follow #lead!!!

Follow me on twitter: twitter.com/marteeeen


Woooop

MA

I spent last week on a UK Tour:Smart tour. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: If a person like me who has been in the business for 30 years is still learning about the business, you should be too. My week ended at Unconvention (which has to be the best name ever for an unconventional convention). It’s also a testament to Colin Consterdine’s temperament that despite hitting him square in the face with a box of blueberry muffins at SXSW (I mean SQUARE) he still invited me to participate. There were so many great ideas for marketing your band, your music, and your brand to the world and trying to get some attention above the ever growing crowd of people.

Here are tips: (More broad strategy, philosophical stuff, but if you get it, you can sustain. If you can sustain, you can apply your specific lessons and SUCCCCEEEED.)

1. You need fans before you need the guy that is the lawyer for The Eagles
2. Build momentum before you start thinking about business structures
3. Keep your day job while you play and build a fan base. Keep working until you get fired
4. If you can sustain you can succeed. You will need to focus and make choices. When you bet everything on one thing it will blow up in your face
5. The moment you have the leverage to get the deal you think you wanted, you don’t need the deal any more
6. There simply is NO ONE WAY to ‘monetize’ making music. There are a million different ways. Find ten ways that suit you
7. I feel like it’s 1977 all over again. Get creative, be original...(or hijack, remix, whatever someone else’s great idea).

While at Unconvention I met Vijay Nair from India who told me that because India has neither traditional copyright nor any of the million organizations that will help you (like we have in the States), he eventually came to some GREAT conclusions and actions on his own. I loved his idea of giving away a free copy of his album and inviting a fan to turn on another fan to his music. If that isn't the whole fucking point of it then WHAT IS?!!

Another great example of this is a local Chicago artist, Joe Pug. I read about Joe in a blog on Chicagoist (that gave a nice review of his album). But, what really got me is that Joe included his personal email address in the article and invited anyone who wanted a copy of his album to email him. The catch -- you had to ask for at least two and promise to send one to a friend. Genius! Someone at my company did just that and sent one copy of Joe’s album to friend who works in publishing in LA and another all the way to France.

Another exponent of unconventional DIY promotion is Tom Fort from Cobalt and the Hired Guns, who keeps showing up at my events. I saw him at SXSW and at a panel I did with the Chicago Cultural Center. He knows my assistant’s name and even sent her a real paper, hand-written postcard for his band’s upcoming show. That postcard is still displayed on her desk and always reminds me Tom.

It’s simple, simple stuff.

So.... still think you need a deal? Let’s think about this. Once you have a few of the elements in place to get a deal...

• a fan base
• a web site
• a CLUE
• a great recording (or maybe a few)
• some archive video footage
• a work ethic
• an immunity to hard floors, soft tacos, and mediocre plumbing
• a few live albums or demos
• several t-shirts
• shag-a-bility
• noise Noise, or, to be more accurate, other-members-of-the-band canceling headphones

....The LAST THING YOU NEED is a deal!

AND why bother? Many major label A&R men won’t even consider signing artists until they have squillions of friends on MySpace, and thousands of self or indie released records under their belt. And once you’ve reached that level, do you really need a label anyway? Why not bring on board the staff you now know you need, then, for all intents and purposes, YOU ARE your own full service label anyway AND you’ll get to keep 100% of the profits rather than a meager 10-15% (and that’s AFTER the label has recouped 100% of the shared costs!).

Maybe you should sit and ponder how much you really need a deal versus how much you want to say to some other loser in a bar, "we're signed - you're not!!" These conversations, rather revealingly, never talk about the important nuts and bolts of the deals but instead about the amount of cash up front (probably the least important part of any deal with any chance of longevity). It’s smart marketing that really makes a difference. We put a version of the new Pigface album out on an 8-Track cartridge to be difficult, to sound good, and also to prompt a few YouTube video moments of people breaking into Grandad’s car so they can listen to it.



As for me, I’ve finally finished the new Pigface album and i'm taking a break from being the label guy. My friends at Full Effect Records are dealing with that shit this time around so I can concentrate on the nearly finished new book and the school the school the SCHOOOOOOOL! . I’m very proud of this album and hope you all enjoy some new music.

Also, our friends S-Endz and Sam Coley attended my event at Hare and Hounds in Birmingham, and Sam made this kick-ass video (see below). S-Endz’ band, Swami is in Canada on tour -- of course touring :SMART. And a special thanks to Jenny at Capsule for putting the event together.



Upcoming Martin Atkins dates:

Saturday, June 27 - Chicago IL
Martin Atkins DJ set / Pigface CD Release Party at Vampire Night
@ Lucky Number Grill; 1931 N. Milwaukee Ave. Chicago, IL 60647
Time TBD / FREE ADMISSION if dressed like a vampire or $5 at the door.
Info:MySpace.com/VampireNightChicago

Friday, July 10th - Baltimore, MD.
Martin Atkins Gallery showcase/sale of his artwork at The Metro Gallery
@ 1700 N. Charles St.; Baltimore, MD 21201
8 PM to 11 PM / Doors open at 7 PM / FREE WINE from 7 PM to 8 PM.
Info: sarah@themetrogallery.net

Saturday, July 11th - Baltimore, MD.
Martin Atkins DJ set / Pigface CD Release Party at Orpheus, Baltimore.
@ 1003 E. Pratt St. Baltimore, MD 21202
DJ Set from 11 PM to 12 AM / More details TBA


Martin Atkins has drummed with PiL, Killing Joke, Ministry, Nine Inch Nails, Pigface, and The Damage Manual, among others. As owner of the now 20-year old Invisible Records, he has worked with artists such as Thrill Kill Kult, Einsturzende Neubauten, Chemlab, Chris Connelly, Sheep On Drugs, Murder Inc, and Psychic TV. Martin teaches a course on Business of Touring at Columbia College in Chicago, IL, and has written a survival guide for touring bands, Tour Smart: And Break The Band, which features contributions from Henry Rollins, Cynthia Plastercaster, The Enigma, the Suicide Girls, Zim Zum (formerly of Marilyn Manson), Kevin Lyman, and various other managers, journalists, venues, agents, sponsors, radio personalities and the like.

The great thing about the music business and bands on the road is that pretty much everybody has a useful tip for something. One of the most important things you can do is open your mind to the possibility that you can learn something from anywhere.

It's easy to be open to learning something from me, right? I've been in a bunch of bands, I have dreadlocks, and I wrote a book. What about admitting to yourself that you might have something to learn from the opening band? I mean, they're opening for you, right? What could you possibly learn from them?

Case in point is self-proclaimed international experts on Ovis aries and pharmaceuticals, the brilliantly named Sheep on Drugs (pickled in alcohol as they may be). These not very sheep-like rockers studiously demonstrated the fact that when you drink lots and lots of vodka your sweat starts to smell like vodka. However it was in their pursuit of cash to fund their beverage experimentation that I leant a second, even more key lesson. It was at their merchandise booth that I first saw the concept of the begging bowl interfaced with delightful, disarming honesty that extracted money from everyone who walked past: "Alcohol Fund -- Please give generously."



This tip alone has saved many an evening, and filled many a empty gas tank, stomach, heart, and mind at the end of a grueling day on the road. It is priceless.

We wanted to hear more of these stories so we launched a contest at SXSW. We asked attendees for their nuggets of wisdom -- the person that came up with the most helpful, relevant and/or unique tip would win $4000 worth of really great gear (free being one of the best kinds of gear).

People from all over the world shared brilliant ideas, from the ethereal talking about the spiritual crusade that bands embark upon to the much more down to earth, who shared gems like, "Buy large bottles of Gatorade to use as portable truckers piss buckets to reduce the number of pit-stops during long drives." -- Glorious one and all.

(Note: I've seen the other end of this double-edged sword when, on the road with Dope somebody mistook a lime flavored Gatorade bottle filled with piss for a lime flavored Gatorade. Oh how we laughed, but that is the kind of stuff that breaks up a band.)

There were some tips that were repeated in different ways by different people, all boy-scout-ish in nature:

* Be prepared

* Expect the unexpected (usually instantly ridiculed only by those that have never been on the road)

* Find friends first and musicians second

* Treat your audience as if they were the band and instead of being in the band imagine you are fans of your audience.

That is a great way to describe the reverse of the traditional audience/band relationship and how it should work. It conveniently takes into account that bands should be humble and treasure even the smallest audience and not complain to all who will listen that another 90 (or 900) people should have showed up.

There was also some terrific advice that sadly didn't make the short-list/potentially prize-winning cut:

* Jeff Sheppard from the Sarah & Jeff show wrote "GET ROADSIDE ASSISTANCE! (CAA or AAA)." Which is so much of a no-brainer that it sometimes gets forgotten.

* Emilio Castellanos said, "No matter what happens record everything." (Does not apply if your name is Richard Nixon.)

* John Thomas said, "Just get started. It's easier to change or correct course than it is to get your butt off the couch for the first time." I really liked that too.

* And, "Have a sense of humor in one hand and a big stick in the other and whatever you do don't let anyone know you have a credit card," from Sean Rial -- this made me laugh a LOT!

Surprisingly, one idea that wasn't addressed in the hundreds of entries was something that took me a long time to get to: The Customer Is Always Right.

I couldn't understand how a show that I knew was flawed, where the sound was bad, where someone had obviously fucked up, where things weren't right (or at least not the way they were supposed to be) could seem amazing and enjoyable to anyone. I've gotten into countless arguments with someone who said, "That's the best show I've ever seen." I've spent a lot of energy explaining why it wasn't, going on at length, "If only you had seen us three nights earlier with better sound, better lights, better voices, better, more focused laser light energy, better crowd, less bad notes, more height from the jumps..." The end result being what.....? A confused audience member who just had a great experience explained away and a confused band member convincing fans one at time that we were unworthy.

After years of this, I figured it out. The customer, it turns out, is always right. So when your shambolic 25th show comes to an untimely end, a drum kit falls over, the singer fails to hit high notes and the bass player struggling with only two strings left on his lack-luster bass guitar duels with the incompetent guitarist shredding (except that his guitar isn't plugged in) and somebody says, "That was great!" - it was. And who the fuck are you to take that away from anybody?

Be humble. Be nice. And even though you're not selling anything to anyone anymore, remember the customer is always right.

If you want to read all the rest of tips (and you can vote too) the top 52 are HERE. I encourage you to leave your own tip too. You won't be entered in the competition to win $4000 worth of equipment from PreSonus, Pearl Drums, Dean Guitars, or Trueline Drumsticks (you've missed the boat on that one), but you'll earn a place in my heart forever and who knows, your piece of advice might be the one that saves someone's ass one day.


Martin Atkins has drummed with PiL, Killing Joke, Ministry, Nine Inch Nails, Pigface, and The Damage Manual, among others. As owner of the now 20-year old Invisible Records, he has worked with artists such as Thrill Kill Kult, Einsturzende Neubauten, Chemlab, Chris Connelly, Sheep On Drugs, Murder Inc, and Psychic TV. Martin teaches a course on Business of Touring at Columbia College in Chicago, IL, and has written a survival guide for touring bands, Tour Smart: And Break The Band, which features contributions from Henry Rollins, Cynthia Plastercaster, The Enigma, the Suicide Girls, Zim Zum (formerly of Marilyn Manson), Kevin Lyman, and various other managers, journalists, venues, agents, sponsors, radio personalities and the like.

Preparation (lose the 'h')!
It's almost that time of year again and as I start to prepare myself and my crew for another event at SXSW, I thought it would be a good idea to spend my next two columns throwing out some tips, early warnings, general advice, and usual paragraphs of waffling bullshit you have come to expect from yours truly.

Train for SXSW!
People train for everything. They train for marathons (of course), they train for driving tests, they train for hotdog-eating competitions. Why on earth wouldn't you train for something as huge, dangerous awe inspiring, and potentially rewarding as this? How much money are you spending to go to Austin? Of course you're going to be weak in some areas. You might be a great guitarist, but lack people skills opening your shyness to misinterpretation as aloof standoffish-ness. You might be amazing with people but a crap drummer. Anything (except perhaps the economy) can be fixed. You have time to work on this NOW but first you need to understand that it is possible. Put together a personal plan and a band plan to diligently, incrementally work towards that goal. The first and most vital part of solving any problem area is an awareness of the problem. It is worth sitting down, thinking this through, observing your band mates, taking the time to share your horrifying observations with them, and they will surely, in turn, reciprocate. Don't let the opportunity of SXSW slip through your fingers like the guacamole/tequila/cheap beer/sweet corn'/don't-remember-eating-that vomit surely will on the first crazy night.

Don't bleach your hair the day before!
Although it's always a good idea to destroy hotel towels instead of your own you don't want to drastically change your look right before a big event. The new aerodynamics of your head or some long floaty extensions will distract you.

I cut off my dreads a few years ago before a HUGE meeting with some big wig financiers (and I can't even remember what it was for). I found myself intimidated. The main thing I had going for me was ME and I wasn't me at the meeting. In trying to fit in I had fucked myself.

The night before my first day on the job for the UK government (yes, 1976 or so!) I bleached my hair forgetting that I had put henna in it a couple of weeks beforehand. The result was, basically, fluorescent CARROT TOP -- so, beware. Do hair and body stuff a couple of weeks beforehand.

Bring a portable press kit
I tell anyone in a band or anyone managing a band to do something super-cool with your press kit. However, at SXSW, portability is the key. Put it all on a disc, a flash drive, or a fancy DVD business card thingy. MAKE SURE THAT YOUR NAME, THE BAND NAME, AN EMAIL ADDRESS, AND A CONTACT NUMBER IS ON EVERYTHING - EVERYTHING! Have these with you AT ALL TIMES.

Help someone
Go to SXSW prepared to HELP someone - a band, a random person, a promoter, anyone. At times of high stress and high stakes, people will appreciate it more. A sweaty, damp extended hand is nothing more than germ explosion - unless you are dangling off a cliff; then it's a life saver. It's all perspective and circumstance. And the longer you're in this business, the more you appreciate what goes around comes around, so make sure the karmic shit you put out there is good, and you'll be surprised at the unexpected ways in which you're rewarded.

Do something!
Don't sit in the hotel room watching Righteous Kill or reading Tour:Smart. Get out there and do it!*

Don't buy new equipment the day before you leave
Don't mistake an investment in brand new equipment for actually doing something that might help. At least you KNOW just where to hit your crappy tube amplifier to get it working again. A brand new one acquired a few hours before the first show might have other characteristics you aren't prepared for. Last minute improvements might not be improvements at all. If your equipment is falling apart and it's fucking up your vibe, your show, your hands, then NOW would be the time to get something so that you can break it in.

Talk to other bands
I'm going to hazard an insane guess that you are thinking you want to get signed at SXSW. OK...., well, that's just NOT going to happen. In looking for that one person that you think is going to make a difference don't overlook the fact that this is an opportunity for you to do some concrete, real things to move your career forward:

* Seek out and meet bands from different cities across the US and around the world. Tell them about your show. Quietly hatch a plan to rave about each other's shows or at least SHOW UP and double the size of each other's audiences. Focus on the little things - not on playing to a full venue (you won't) but on NOT PLAYING TO NO-ONE!

* Kick start your band networking right now! Are you emailing bands with whom you are sharing a bill? Are you sharing costs in printing posters? Did you even print posters? There's no excuse to go in blind and unaware - it's 2009!

Shoes
The same philosophy about hair applies to brand new shoes!** You are going to be walking for several miles a day. If you aren't lying in bed at night crying and massaging your swelling ankles and knees then this is a sign that you are not taking FULL advantage of the event! So, the other very last thing you want to discover is that your brand new Doc Martens are really uncomfortable to walk in - BANG! There's a horrifyingly piss your pants blister on the heel of your right foot! You just don't need it. Go with the comfy, worn out shoes you are used to. If they are really bad and fucked up spray paint them black! Have one of those professional shoe people (they were once called cobblers) re-hab your shoes. They can work wonders and are sometimes at the airport. Make sure to tip 'em extra for the horrifying shit you are asking them to deal with.


Add your favorite SXSW tips in the comments section below. I'll send a Tour:Smart e-book to those who submit my favorite ones! And, remember, there's no such thing as obvious or a "no-brainer" when it comes to stuff like this. Don't wait until you're standing on stage in five-day old underwear with your luggage in Hawaii, your audience someplace else, and your brand new guitar shredding your fingers. Get busy now.

Come see me at SXSW - I have my own Tour:Smart event on Wednesday, March 18 at 4:30pm in Room 18.

Here's the wrap up from last year's SXSW:



Before we dive in, a quick shout out to GWAR who I saw at NAMM and also to Slipknot, who were stunning last Friday night.

And, finally, I'm back on the road:

Friday, February 6 - St. Paul MN
Closed lecture for McNally Smith students.

Sunday, February 8 - La Crosse, WI
FREE Tour:Smart seminar at The Warehouse, 328 Pearl St. @ 7:00 p.m.
MANDAORY FOR ALL LOCAL BANDS - SEATS LIMITED!
RSVP NOW!

Monday, February 9 - Madison, WI
FREE Tour:Smart DIY Seminar at the Madison Media Institute, 2702 Agriculture Dr. @ 1 p.m.
SEATS LIMITED! RSVP NOW!

Thursday, February 19 - Tampa, FL
FREE Tour:Smart DIY Summit and Dean Factory tour with Martin Atkins and special guests Josh Malony and Curse Mackey at Dean Guitar Headquarters, 4924 W.Waters Ave. @ 2 p.m.
Registration is extremely limited. REGISTER NOW!

Thursday, February 19 - Tampa, FL
Martin Atkins / Curse Mackey Pigface DJ set at Czar (vodka bar), 1420 East 7th Ave. @ 10:30 p.m.

Friday, February 20 - Tampa, FL
FREE Lecture on the Beijing Underground punk scene with Martin Atkins at University of South Florida, Marshall Student Center @ 3 p.m.
RESERVE your space NOW!

Friday, February 20 - Tampa, FL
Tour:Smart / Martin Atkins book signing and free mini-consultation at Vinyl Fever, 4110 Henderson Blvd. @ 7 p.m.

Saturday, February 21 - Gainesville, FL
Keynote Speaker at the University of Florida Entertainment Law Conference: 12-1 p.m. keynote / 3-4 p.m. Q&A.
Click HERE for more info.

Saturday, February 21 - Jacksonville, FL
FREE Tour:Smart DIY seminar at 331 Café, W. 331 Forsyth Street @ 7 p.m.
Limited Seating - RSVP NOW!

Sunday, February 22 - Orlando, FL
FREE Tour:Smart DIY seminar + FREE appetizers courtesy of Marks Street Music at the Dandelion Café, 618 N. Thornton Ave. @ 7 p.m.
RSVP to reserve your space NOW!

Upcoming events in McComb, IL, Normal, IL, Chicago, Philadelphia, Los Angeles, London, Traverse City, MI, and more on the way!


*Of course, this is a hilarious joke. SXSW is a great time to sit in a hotel room and really get to grips with Tour:Smart. Available now via Amazon.com.

**Unless, of course, you are planning on buying some 6" heels. That's a GREAT idea - stick your legs in the air and send me pics -- NO! NOT you, Brian!


Martin Atkins has drummed with PiL, Killing Joke, Ministry, Nine Inch Nails, Pigface, and The Damage Manual, among others. As owner of the now 20-year old Invisible Records, he has worked with artists such as Thrill Kill Kult, Einsturzende Neubauten, Chemlab, Chris Connelly, Sheep On Drugs, Murder Inc, and Psychic TV. Martin teaches a course on Business of Touring at Columbia College in Chicago, IL, and has written a survival guide for touring bands, Tour Smart: And Break The Band, which features contributions from Henry Rollins, Cynthia Plastercaster, The Enigma, the Suicide Girls, Zim Zum (formerly of Marilyn Manson), Kevin Lyman, and various other managers, journalists, venues, agents, sponsors, radio personalities and the like.

Two thousand and nine, so far, feels like the scene in a movie where the guy breathes a sigh of relief –– his monster/zombie/ex-girlfriend/whatever has been slain/defeated/dumped. The problems are over, the fun begins and the credits are just about to roll. That's exactly when the monster/zombie/ex-girlfriend comes back from around the corner, up from the depths of the oil pit/sunken galleon/whatever, waves the bag of pills/secret software/dirty pictures at you, gives you the finger, stabs you, or threatens to cook you (for?) dinner. The horrible ex-girlfriend you were so pleased to see the hairy back of has reluctantly agreed to give you another chance! Rock & roll loves you and won't let go!

This is EXACTLY where we are now. I just did this myself at the gas station. I filled up for less than $100 and danced my way across the AM/PM food court laughing hysterically as if I had won the lottery. The fact is, everything else in the world of touring (and unfortunately the world in general) is still totally fucked. Your audience might now have enough gas in the car to get to your show but what are you doing to get them from the curbside to your side? What's your red carpet made out of?

I guess this is just a reminder to be careful out there. Everything that was going to fuck you the hell up six months ago is still out there, waiting in the wings (not the band, the sides of the stage). Proceed accordingly.

Here are three band resolutions you should try to make 2009 a little smoother on the road:

#1 - To Get More Ca$h

* Have more than one t-shirt design. If you still don't have even one.... I'll wait while you punch yourself in the face....
* Teach yourself to screen print so that you can make your very own "special smudgy thumb printed sorry but it's still wet poster" and loads of different shirts. And screen print your bass amp too!
* Record your shows and manufacture a few discs from each show so you have a variety of live discs at the merchandise booth (and screen print the digi packs you sell them in!)

#2 - To Be Better Onstage

* Play more and pay attention to the audience's body language when you do. People running from the venue means that maybe you shouldn't be trying to hit those Queen-like operatic high notes! People moving closer to the stage means they are drawn to your magnetic charismatic vibe, they like the songs and want to be close enough to touch you, feel your pain, and wipe away a tear - either that or they 're trying to steal your new effects pedal and swipe some of your Jagermeister.
* Put as many people as you can on the guest list - people like to feel special. Don't forget to put the people you said you would on the guest list - people hate to feel small and forgotten.

And most importantly


#3 - Play For Free!

* Do you have enough money to pay to see yourself right now? And buy a few beers?? OK, so why would your fans?

All tried and tested methods for more greatness, sustainability and groovyness gratefully received. Leave comments and I'll respond.

Look out for me on the road. I'll be at NAMM Jan 16-18 at the Presonus booth, at Cal Poly Jan 15, at SXSW and all over the place soon!

Find me on Facebook for more details on all of my upcoming events, or go HERE.

Peace, love and happy touring in 2009.

Martin Atkins
Chicago Illannoys




Martin Atkins has drummed with PiL, Killing Joke, Ministry, Nine Inch Nails, Pigface, and The Damage Manual, among others. As owner of the now 20-year old Invisible Records, he has worked with artists such as Thrill Kill Kult, Einsturzende Neubauten, Chemlab, Chris Connelly, Sheep On Drugs, Murder Inc, and Psychic TV. Martin teaches a course on Business of Touring at Columbia College in Chicago, IL, and has written a survival guide for touring bands, Tour Smart: And Break The Band, which features contributions from Henry Rollins, Cynthia Plastercaster, The Enigma, the Suicide Girls, Zim Zum (formerly of Marilyn Manson), Kevin Lyman, and various other managers, journalists, venues, agents, sponsors, radio personalities and the like.

Over this last weekend, through personal experience, conversations out in L.A. at the Remix Hotel and at Swingers restaurant with my friend Ken Lopez, and input from some of my students regarding the Taylor Swift marketing campaign, I realized there's a whole new area opening up. After spending years trying to perfect songwriting, studio and production techniques to plant hooks (it is a seven hour lesson in itself) in people's brain to get 'em to buy music, I've found a whole new way of doing it. With Rock Band or Guitar Hero a song becomes deeply embedded as gamers play along because the brain is open and fully engaged in the ego driven task of beating the computer. The hooks in the music seem to bury themselves twice as deep, twice as effectively, and, after a few sessions on an Xbox, it is now twice as impossible for me to stop singing "Hungry like the Wolf." (Is that possible?)

The financial impact of a song succeeding on Guitar Hero for instance, is already well documented. A band in the UK jumped from 55,000 to over 624,000 units (I was reading about them in The Economist). However, the long-term impact of deeply embedded hooks is yet to be felt.

In the future, perhaps the bands that do the most business live won't be those you heard on the radio during your first illicit backseat kiss. Nor will they be playing the songs selected by you and your friends after a discerning, broad, sometimes heated discussion of the their merits, techniques, and studio production of one artist over another. Perhaps our arenas and stadiums with be filled by an assemblage of the bands who perform the songs that the largest percentage of people found challenging on their Xbox (but not so difficult as to seem impossible — at least during the first half).

And will the feelings you get as these bands come out on stage be true joy, or just an echo, a memory marker from the day you beat the song — the day it became a meaningless, discarded talisman of something you used to find fascinating and frustrating. Will the chords and riffs they play evoke real life memories or a distant goal achieved &mdash something whose completion would mark accomplishment? Ultimately, will our once favored Guitar Hero and Rock Band songs simply be placed on a memory shelf in an "ego bin," like a notch on the butt of Wii rifle or the yellow belt from karate hanging in the closet?

Are we set for new genres and divisions, the ultra elite, maybe more dexterous in hand and quick with a non-color blind eye who will naturally gravitate to see the bands perform, to continue to out-wit them in some kind of bizarre Dungeons and Dragons mutated arm wrestling contest? Do we want to laugh and discard a Tool song triumphantly as we rise up the skill levels on to King Crimson and perhaps Zappa?

Where is this all going? And, more importantly where artists' bank accounts are concerned, what are these bands going to sell at their merch booth in the future? Books containing technique tips and game cheats? DVD lessons? HeadOn for joint pain to soothe arthritic fingers? And never mind an autograph or a meet and greet with the band, I want Yngwie Malmsteen's guitar tech for the afternoon. The only constant thing, it seems, is change.



What else is going on in my world? Well, the newest Pigface album is going to be available on 8 track cartridge soon. I'm mixing amazing music from China and finishing up the sequel to my Tour:Smart book. You can help with my "market research" by filling out a survey HERE. I want to know: What is the ONE THING you wish you could tell a band, a singer, a radio station, etc.? We'll pick some of our favorite responses to include in Band:Smart and we'll send you a free Tour:Smart e-Book if your survey is chosen.

Peace, love and happy holidays to all

Martin Atkins
Chicago Illannoys



Martin Atkins has drummed with PiL, Killing Joke, Ministry, Nine Inch Nails, Pigface, and The Damage Manual, among others. As owner of the now 20-year old Invisible Records, he has worked with artists such as Thrill Kill Kult, Einsturzende Neubauten, Chemlab, Chris Connelly, Sheep On Drugs, Murder Inc, and Psychic TV. Martin teaches a course on Business of Touring at Columbia College in Chicago, IL, and has written a survival guide for touring bands, Tour Smart: And Break The Band, which features contributions from Henry Rollins, Cynthia Plastercaster, The Enigma, the Suicide Girls, Zim Zum (formerly of Marilyn Manson), Kevin Lyman, and various other managers, journalists, venues, agents, sponsors, radio personalities and the like.

It's been a while since my last Tour Smart post, so, welcome back me! I actually didn't feel like I had left.

What's happened since we last spoke?

Well, I've been back to China and had another baby boy -- bringing the total up to 4! (Boys -- not trips to China.) Let me stress the importance of that number and prevent anyone from changing it, just like on a major record label contract, by writing it thusly: XXXFOURCHILDRENALLBOYSXXX. I'm also teaching much more at Columbia College here in Chicago, and am having an F-ing blast!

I hope that you are also doing well amid this horrible economic downturn. We'll all be re-defining the meaning of essential vs. luxury items over the coming months. It'll be interesting to see where music is on that list. Since life is likely to be even tighter on the road for gigging bands, I thought it was high time I hit the SG Newswire with a few pearls of wisdom on how to keep food in your mouth -- and more importantly beer in your glass -- as you gig your way to glory.

Do this today to make more money on the road tomorrow:

1. Start a donation bucket -- or, if you are feeling less ambitious -- a donation jar. Place a large label on a big bucket saying something that is honest. Sheep on Drugs said, "Alcohol fund -- please give generously!" It made them about $20 a night. I put this anecdote in my book as an example of being able to learn something from anyone, thinking outside the box, and being honest.

A band just wrote to me and said that this tip was the difference between eating most nights....or not. They described this as one of the factors that enabled them to complete their first ten day tour. It's also a great illustration of what my shit is about. It's NOT about making more money -- money on its own is meaningless. It's about surviving and sustaining because NONE of the other things affecting your career can kick in if you give up, implode, or explode.

The honesty component of the donation jar is just as important as the jar itself. This is the same philosophy that gets the homeless guy who directly asks for money to support his drug habit a little bit more than the guy who's asking for "food." People respond to honesty. It's the time between smile and laugh that opens pocketbook (not that there's anything in anyone's pocketbook anymore, but...).

2. Look at upcoming events as your granddad would -- be skeptical. Take off your rose colored, positive vibe glasses. Take care of the one crazily obvious thing that you have forgotten! Don't be afraid to say, "This won't work, this will be a catastrophe." By jumping into your granddad's persona, you can alert yourself to possible real dangers. But make sure to exit your granddad's body before you shave -- he probably only used a razor with one blade (can you imagine that!) instead of the nine blade skateboard motherfuckers we're using now! How on earth did they ever manage it?

3. Check the facts. Take the time to check on anything verifiable and objective. There are so many things up for grabs -- the fickle nature of people, the economy, the weather -- you should do your best to examine and quantify anything that isn't. For example, are you "hoping" that the opening two bands are really going to pull a crowd? Instead of hoping, check the facts. How many people are on their Myspace? (Note: divide by 4 at least!) When was the last time they played? Last week is a problem and so is next week �¯�¿�½�¯�¿�½ especially if these are free shows �¯�¿�½�¯�¿�½ be careful! Just because something is crazy and doesn't make sense doesn't mean it isn't going to happen. In fact �¯�¿�½�¯�¿�½ think the opposite.

4. Take care of all that you can before you leave: Vehicle maintenance, oil changes, spare tires, blown out tires, peanut butter and cheese crackers, a triple A card, and whatever else you can think of -- you know, the boy scout badge stuff. Nothing is obvious, take NOTHING for granted. Watch Apollo 13; you know, the space mission that ended with the crew creating oxygen masks out of cardboard boxes and belly button lint. Think of yourself as the crew of Apollo 13. (Except don't shit in your pants unless you are wearing NASA approved adult diapers or sleeping in your girlfriend's bed. It's not very nice -- but you'll laugh about it for years to come.)

Leave comments with ideas to share and any questions you have. I'm out on the road, up on the web and doing my thing -- see you at a guitar center near you sssssssoooooooooooon

Currently reading: Bruce Lee
Current watching: Dexter and our newborn baby Cole Vincent
Currently listening to: 24 hours and Snapline from CHINA!

Upcoming Events:
Tour:Smart DIY Summit - Band Survival in the New Economy
Learn how to make $7,500 more in the next six months!
Saturday, November 8, 2008 12:00pm - 6:00pm
Invisible Records Offices: 3319 S. Lituanica Ave., Chicago, IL
$50 registration (includes 50% coupon off of mastering at Mattress Factory Studios). For more info go to:
TourSmart.wordpress.com/events/ or InvisibleRecords.com.

P L R
MA

Martin Atkins has drummed with PiL, Killing Joke, Ministry, Nine Inch Nails, Pigface, and The Damage Manual, among others. As owner of the now 20-year old Invisible Records, he has worked with artists such as Thrill Kill Kult, Einsturzende Neubauten, Chemlab, Chris Connelly, Sheep On Drugs, Murder Inc, and Psychic TV. Martin teaches a course on Business of Touring at Columbia College in Chicago, IL, and has written a survival guide for touring bands, Tour Smart: And Break The Band, which features contributions from Henry Rollins, Cynthia Plastercaster, The Enigma, the Suicide Girls, Zim Zum (formerly of Marilyn Manson), Kevin Lyman, and various other managers, journalists, venues, agents, sponsors, radio personalities and the like.

Happy Thanksgiving – to celebrate – give yourself a free t-shirt when you buy a copy of the book from our new superfast merchandise service Merch Squad and THANKS for all of the great reviews/blogs etc. Tour:Smart just got 5 STARS from Record Collector magazine, and it's 7th straight 5-star review from Amazon.com customers!

Heres something from Tequila Ray Max -

TRMax:
I just read your new post on Suicide Girls. It's great to see someone in your position willing to give advice.
In your opening paragraph, you talked about helping "bands that are doing something other than sitting around, complaining and waiting for a record deal to land in your lap". Although I'd put myself in that category, I have to admit that a lot of the time, I find myself guilty of "sitting around, complaining and waiting for a record deal to land in your lap". But it's not from want of trying. The deal is, I'm 100% prepared to work as hard as necessary to achieve my goals, which at this point are basically to be in a position to tour, record, release albums - basically exist as a functioning (and hopefully successful) band. My problem is not knowing what to do. I admit I'm pretty clueless.

MA:
OK, so get ready, get the pencils and your brain sharpened and generally do the walk that boxers do around the ring before a fight, kind of pumping yourdself up physically to try and counteract the ‘oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck’ mentally. EVERY step from now on needs to be super careful because it's SUPER important... you have already hoped that a great show will have a ripple effect across a certain part of the business or a certain part of a city/state/genre... take on board, swallow the pill that a bad show will (because of Murphys Law) do ten times the damage. SO – work accordingly.

TRMax:
For the most part, I've not been the one in the band making the phonecalls, but this time I am. And I'd like to do it all, and do it properly. If I know that doing something will work, I'll work at it all the time.
I've got a three-piece band that uses a drum machine after too many let-downs with human drummers. One of us works a full-time job (flexi-time), two of us are on benefits. The gigs we do are usually one-offs in "circuit venues" the likes of Barfly, The Garage, Clwb Ifor Bach (we're in Cardiff), and the occasional Valley's pub. I expect our experience is the same as countless others, but I want to take it up a level. I've considered getting a manager or agent, but not only has that proven difficult, I'm not even sure it's a good idea since everyone says they cause more problems than they're worth.

MA:
The way you are going to take it up a level is for YOU to carry on taking care of this stuff. Just to let you know – this isn’t any mysterious hyperbole, tougher than degree course shit – its just a fuck of a lot of small stuff all the time. Some of the stuff needs to be sorted out and prioritized – but, other than that and a bit of imagination – you are fucking GOLDEN. I’d take a hard working band with no agent/manager over a slacker band with agent and manager any fucking day of the week. As long as you pay attention, and don’t let yourself get side tracked by other people's bullshit – trying to side-track you and/or convince yourself that there is another way - you will get fiurther and further and further (and then have a set-back) but then keep on getting further.
No mystery, no shit. You can make a huge difference with no money down. (well a tiny tiny bit)

TRMax:
I don't expect you to give me an exhaustive step-by-step guide to doing everything in the world, as that would probably be impossible and also defeat the point of me learning how to do all this myself. But I do have questions:
Money - does anyone (at our level - unsigned) ever get paid for gigs?

MA:
NOPE – whatever they tell you

TRMax:
The circuit venues don't pay out. The best offer you get is a so-many-flyers-in-the-door system, but it's hard to generate enough crowd support on a regular basis to cash in, and next to impossible in a town you've never played where nobody knows you. Is this just a marketing problem?

MA:
Yes exactly – do not go to any city uinless you are SURE OF THE OUTCOME (thatnks Sun Tzu) get on the net – get with other bands – FIND OUT... don’t even think about taking any money – the $50 you’re not going to get doesn’t matter right now. Rather find other bands that will play for nothing and share equipt so the evening isn’t a total clusterfuck. (I think we’ve talkied this through with you guys before or in the comments)

TRMax:
Does a low crowd draw mean a band sucks?

MA:
It means you’re not paying attention to the marketing – this is HALF OF IT... its difficult to stand in the middle of an empty club and convince yourself that a band is amazing – well, why isn’t anyone there?????

TRMax:
Should bands be asking for money up front? If a promoter books you, shouldn't they be the ones doing the promoting, since they call themselves "a promoter" after all?

MA:
There is no such thing as a promoter, there is no such thing as a guarantee, EVERYTHING is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY………

TRMax:
Would doing gigs in unconventional venues where we take all the door, pay for the venue and PA Hire and do the advertising ourselves work better, given we'd be foregoing the prestige of saying we played at such-and-such a place?

MA:
Well, how much cooler to add ‘promoter’ to your resume – also I guarantee tee you you’ll learn some great lessons along the way and holy shit – maybe create a venue that feels better for you than other places you have played – or at THE VERY LEAST – a greater respect for the people who are doing it out there…

TRMax:
Does prestige and being able to say you played such-and-such a place even matter?

MA:
Not as much as being able to say you played the MaxFest on ther main stage... other bands and promoters will treat you a bit differently – other promoters might give you a break if they think they might need someone in your neck of the woods sometime?????

Ok – I’ll keep this sucka rolling………

Call me, e-mail me – I could be sitting at the table hogging your tofurkey tomorrow – sprouting out great advice in between courses…but, you gotta call me or e-mail me… i did a freebie consult to JAMESON out on the west coast there… and, BOY do I have a couple of GREAT pics from that AND finally saw the great Pegasus Unicorn in ERIE, PA – what a fucking great fucking place – THANKS to all who came out to the art gallery and the club and for being so understanding of my 18 second gap in between a couple of my DJ tracks there – is that too long???

Don't forget Chemlab is on tour in the US now - you can check out all of their tour dates at the Chemlab MySpace Page

And our calendar has been updated with new Tour:Smart band seminars, DJ nights, book store appearances and more, stay up to date at our Tour:Smart Event Calendar

Peace love respect and all of that from the UK……

MarteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeN

A crazy week for sure. I cannot start dishing out information without mentioning the passing of bassist, artist and my bandmate Paul Raven. He was a charming, driven pirate and, maaaaan, he is so very sadly missed. Thanks to the staff at the amazing Lancaster Arts Hotel in Lancaster PA for making a couple of unbearable days more bearable, for the good wishes from everyone that have left messages on various sites and to David in DC for hanging with me through a chunk of it. My thoughts are with the family and anyone touched by his bright bright light.



This week we are looking at the ‘pay to play’ scenario that is across much of the US right now. Its pretty horrible and designed by promoters to make sure that they can turn a profit and stay in business even if all of the shitty bands that play don’t have much of an audience. There is a very sad by-product of all of this – audiences show their support for band #4 by arriving just in time to see band #4 but by also leaving just before the start of band #5. I understand this – it makes sense BUT it robs these bands of the ability to play to each others audience, it robs the audience of being exposed to other bands that might surprise them (yeah I know not always in a good way) but it also robs the band members themselves of playing in front of their peers – that’s a pretty good adrenalin shot wasted... and, if you accept the idea that sometimes its easier to learn what NOT to do by watching a terrible horrible band, drummer whatever – then all of the above are robbed of a valuable experience. All of this is pretty easy (I think) to circumvent but, alas, it involves effort, thought, reaching across barriers and work work work... heres something from Chvad SB who plays in the Brooklyn based punk-industrial band THINGS OUTSIDE THE SKIN about the NYC experience...

So you're in a band and you think you're ready for NYC? Here's what you can expect. According to Martin's new book, "TOUR:SMART" there are anywhere from 741 to 1235 bands playing in New York City every week. As I'm writing this, on a Friday evening, there are 374 bands playing in NYC (according to http://www.going.com) and that isn't even tapping into the plethora of shows that didn't bother to post on the site. There's FIERCE competition in NYC and in response to that, a lot of promoters create nothing more than what I like to call "meat grinder events". Every club in NYC wants a party every night of the week and they want people buying drinks ALL NIGHT. BRING IN THE BANDS! When you come to play a show in NYC one of the first things to expect is no money. It's common practice in NYC for promoters to only pay you IF you bring in at least 10 to 15 paying customers that ask specifically for your band. Bring in 15 or more, you get half the door amount for those patrons. Bring in 14. NOTHING. Did I mention you're also playing with anywhere from 6 to 9 other acts on the same night? Now the promoter can call it a FESTIVAL and thus a PARTY. Great right? You're gonna have a TON of people there to see you rock the fuck out right? Wrong, wrong wrong. Here's how NYC rolls, Band #1 brings in 15 of their friends to see them play. Band #1 finishes. Band #1 leaves. Friends of Band #1 leave. Band #2? Rinse and Repeat. The people you bring are the ONLY people that will be there to see you play. Some people would like to accuse all the others acts on the bill for being total asses for not hanging out and supporting the other bands. Honestly, 75% of the time you'd probably be right but even if all the bands wanted to stay and party the whole fucking night with you THEY CAN'T. This is NYC and space is something you find between people ears but NOT in clubs. 10 bands worth of gear won't fit in most small clubs so when you're done playing, you need to get the fuck off the stage and out of the club. Most promoters won't even allow bands to load in more than an hour before they are supposed to be on stage. There's no room. The club and promoter make out great though. Every band brings in a few people, 8 out of the ten bands won't break 15 people because everyone they know is out at one of the other 374 shows going on in the city that night. Meanwhile the promoter keeps most of the door and the club gets all of the bar. You can make money with merchandise right? You can't sell merch because there isn't any room for merch and if there is room, it'll be in the part of the club that everyone avoids because it smells like shit and piss. Literally. Sounds pretty bad right? It can be. How can it all be avoided? COMMUNITY. Contact the bands on the bill that play directly before AND after you. Trade promotional materials and share your audience. Hang out a LITTLE longer before the next band arrives, share gear if possible and there's more room for everyone (the promoter can't kick out as quick either if that's your amp on the stage). 45 people drunk off their asses trying to dance through your set is a hell of a lot cooler than your 15 buddies from work (no offense to work buddies of the world). Hell, some of them might even like your stuff. Wanna survive in NYC? Know people! Make friends on message boards, call bands, whatever. just know this: If you don't know anyone in NYC when you play, stay the fuck out. New Yorkers eat their young.

-Chvad SB plays in the Brooklyn based punk-industrial band THINGS OUTSIDE THE SKIN (www.outside-the-skin.com) and runs the dark music community http://www.darksonus.com.

Upcoming Dates for TOUR:SMART Book Tour:

Sunday, October 28th, @ Melody Inn (Indianapolis, IN)
Free Tour:Smart Band Seminar - 5:30pm
2-Hour seminar and info session, Also will be doing some DJ sets during the show at Melody Inn that night that begins at 9:00pm.

Monday, November 5th @ Gelato Vero Café (San Diego, CA)
Free Tour:Smart Band Seminar - 6:00pm

Monday, November 12th @ Canopy Club (Champaign, IL)
Free Tour:Smart Band Seminar - 6:00pm

Thursday, November 15th @ Eide's Records (Pittsburgh, PA)
Free Tour:Smart Band Seminar - 4:00pm

Friday, November 16th @ Erie Art Museum Annex (Erie, PA)
Free Tour:Smart Band Seminar - 7:00pm

Friday, November 16th @ The Beer Mug (Erie, PA)
DJ Set at the Pegasus Unicorn show - 11:30pm
(Check out one of the first Tour:Smart columns for the Pegasus Unicorn case study!)

Saturday, November 17th @ Harris Institute (Toronto, ON)
Tour:Smart band seminar - advance tickets are $4 - 12:00pm

Saturday, November 17th @ Velvet Underground (Toronto, ON)
Tour:Smart Band Seminar - 5:00pm
Advance tickets $4 through www.ticketweb.ca, or at Rotate This, and Circus Books & Music
Also providing DJ sets beginning at 11pm - admission covers entire event including DJ night.

I know sometimes I can just go off on an ADD tangent – so, here is maybe some of the more important stuff that you’d look to this column to provide. But, before we go there – there were some horrifying stories this week about a band on the road losing errrrr, EVERYTHING, I mean, fucking everything!!!… HD cameras, laptops, the van, the trailer… after some horrifying road shit. (Read about it here) SO, pay attention! Be careful out there!

Speaking of out there – I am back out on the road for the next few weeks come and say hi... eBay Band Consultation

This is a great section of the book, (Tour:Smart) how fucking AMAZING to have Lee Popa give you advice about getting a better live sound – but, before we get to his golden nuggets…
Here’s a brilliant idea from me – get a fucking map!
Already have GPS? Still get a map for when the GPS goes out… you know when right??? When you are late for the most important show of your career (of course) just get there on time (and, as Lee says, “early is on time, on time is late!”)… get there on time and you will have TIME to get a decent sound check and implement some of this great advice.
OR, too difficult, then, dontbeafuckingassholetothesoundman… also works pretty well.
OR
Don’t complain about the quality of the sound system or the soundman OVER THE PA?? Are you shitting me??

Anyway, here’s some tips for you to print out, write some important phone numbers on, crumple into a ball then leave at a coffee shop.

*********************************************************************

A Good sound starts with Good Gear
Lee Popa
(Front of House sound: Ministry, Killing Joke, KMFDM, Living Colour, Macy Gray, Pigface, Bad Brains, RHCP, 24-7SPYZ, Beyonce, Outkast)

Get your sound before the show:
• Balance all of your sounds at your practice place.
• If your drummer is playing and you can’t hear him or her, your amp is too loud!
• If all you hear is drums, you’re not loud enough!
• Is your solo volume too loud? Does your clean sound match your dirty sound?


The vocal mic is the most important mic on the stage: Treat it as such. Sorry, no matter how good your amps and drums sound, if you drown out the singer you have ruined the show.
Stage feedback means it’s too loud: If the stage monitors feedback: you are too loud for the system.
The clearer you hear the vocal, the better the sound of everything.

Play a sound check like it’s the show: If the drummer lays back at sound check (plays quietly) then pounds at the show, you would be better off not sound checking. Don’t lay back. Jump around and go for it so the settings you save at sound check mean something!

In tune in time: Tune up often and together. Pick places in the set to tune up. In the set, everybody needs to tune up at the same time. Two guitars slightly out of tune aren’t as bad to the ear as one in tune and one out of tune.

Practice at home with a click (metronome) and you won’t rush during the live set. Your drummer will play better.

Softer will make you sound louder: If the soundperson can’t hear you, they will put more of you in the P.A. The smaller the sound on stage, the louder the band is because the sound system is doing the work.

Mark your setting down: Get some tape and mark your settings. Don’t fool around with your knobs during the show. If you do, chances are you will be turned down because your sound becomes erratic.

Good help is hard to find: Respect the people that are helping you out. Learn the names of the people and thank them after the show even if you think they did a bad job. They did the best they could. Never yell at someone you don’t pay!

Start at the source with a good sound and it will be easy to get a good sound in the P.A.

Shit in = Shit out

Early is on time - on time is late.

*********************************************************************

Thanks Lee!

OK – got it???

Cool – and, keep those comments coming on last week’s column – its all GREAT information

Peace love and respect… go bid on that auction – all the $ is going to the Rock For Kids charity and it’ll be fun to be at your practice space, on your horrible couch. eBay Band Consultation

marteeeeeeeeeeeN

Wow, great response from the Austin crew at Elysium. It was great to see such a good turn out, and thanks to John and all at the venue, and to the guys from CHANT for their help. I really enjoyed the seminar – blasted through loads of great strategies and ideas to help a new or start-up band get wherever they are going better, quicker harder (ok, there’s a good shirt). A LONG day for sure… after the 3 hour session with Q & A, I hung around to sign some books then to spin a couple of sets from the DJ booth - I really enjoyed it - kind of zoned out with the headphones on (I think at one point I had the cue engaged so everyone could hear me rawling around on the second deck! Oh yeah what a pro!) here I am pictured in the middle of this super grueling day with Suicide Girls Selket and Illyria (oh the struggle!) Amazing poster girls for SG - smart as fuck and hot as hell!



Finished up at 3am somewhere, delirious. If you see any video of a guy that looks like me dancing… well, that’s me. Sold out of books! Thanks Mike for bringing out some more.
A quick stop at Criminal Records Atlanta for a mini version of the info session - thanks to everyone there: Lillian, Eric and all! - too much coffee - but damn good coffee. Then, a drive by The Masquerade were we have performed so many times with Pigface… dropped off a book for Greg, and then a good nights sleep… or not. Of course the guys next door (it seems like there are ten people in the room) woke me up when I thought (really) that someone was being murdered. Then, I thought what we would all probably think immediately after that – this is the most amazingly good sex I have ever heard someone else having... it just sounds like someone is being murdered. Then, I realized when things started bouncing off the walls - that it was just a bunch of drunk guys. So, if you are reading this guys, that was me at 6.30 am ringing your phone just once or twice at random, disturbing intervals, and it would also be me ten minutes later when I call your room and order breakfast – I was going to print up signs saying "free breakfast - call 7536" and leave them all over the hotel… but too disappointing to not see the payoff… “What happened to my pancakes?? Yeah, I'd like the sausage!! Do you have any blueberry muffins?”

Have a Nice Day… Asshole!!!

Next day, Mobile, AL – a FANTASTIC coffee shop called Satori Sound… and thanks to James for the amazing sandwiches. This seminar was one night before a new band headed out on the road for 8 days, felt fated that we were there.
New Orleans? Fantastic! Baton Rouge? Great! Presonus Audio, The L Bar, and the Baton Rouge scene really showed what can happen when everyone pulls together. Free Red Bull, free pizza, free information… it felt like a revolution.
Memphis? Awesome! St. Louis and Union, MO? Fuckin’ A!!!
Such a great tour all around, and now it’s time to go out and do it again.

We’ve just put up an auction on eBay, for a copy of the book, and an in person band consultation. Check the listing for more information…


Last time, we posted the first half of The Creepy Crawl’s list of annoying things that bands do… here is the conclusion…

23. Parents of bands... this could be a whole top 39 list on its own... Parents who either a) insist on standing next to the owner all night and talking his ear off about how great their 14-year-old kid’s band is (who BTW sound like they had never picked up an instrument in their lives before they started "playing" that night) b) insist on standing next to the soundperson all night and making stupid suggestions on how to improve the sound of their kids band to the soundperson all throughout their set c) going to the bar while they wait for their kid’s band to play, consuming way too much, and then going to stand next to the owner and talk his ear off about how he used to jam in a band that was huge 25 years ago but now their kids band is going is going to hit mega-stardom any day now and makeup for his missed.... oh right, this is only supposed to be a paragraph.

24. Bands that leave gear behind. This happens at least several times each week and then we get the deluge of frantic phone calls in the following days about have you seen this or that piece of equipment and on the phone act like we should know where their stuff is. It’s amazing how something that is so important to them the next day gets so carelessly left behind the night before. We're the Creepy Crawl, not “Bob's Nightclub and Repository of Leftover Band Shit.” Keep track of your shit and take it with you when you leave!

25. Out of town bands that show up at 1:30 in the afternoon while you're doing work at the club. They then want to hang out with you all day and ask endlessly annoying questions while you work.

26. Bands who when you tell them they have one more song left because they're running late into their set decide to play a 45-minute opus full of self-absorbed guitar solos which in the course of playing covers in its entirety side 2 of Pink Floyds' “Dark Side of The Moon.”


27. Bands that pester you constantly to open for a particular touring band because they swear they worship their musical footprints and are the heaven endorsed guiding light of their musical lives. On the day of the show and after you told them sorry but the show was already filled up they don't even bother to come to the show. However, someone at the show reports hearing they decided to catch the Story of The Year show at the Pageant that night.

28. Bands that can't play longer than a 15-minute set.

29. Bands that can't draw two people but keep telling you that they can play as long a set as you like. "We can play an hour, an hour and a half, two hours if you want." That's kind of a like a doctor rushing to the scene of a car accident and asking the victims, "If you need me to help prolong your bleeding I can do that."

30. Bands that bitch and beg to play a longer 45-50 minute set. They do this knowing everyone else only gets a 1/2 hour slot. We finally relent and rework the whole show to accommodate them and they still wind up playing the same rush-through-it-because-we're-dipfucks 23-minute set they play every other night they play. Apparently they live in a different time dimension than everyone else on the planet. They thank you profusely at the end of the set for letting them "headline" for their fans but we make sure they buy us and everyone around us shots at full price.

31. Bands that give big lectures on stage about how important it is to support "the scene" but at the end of their set want to get paid ASAP and don't want to wait until the other bands get done.

32. Bands that give long-winded lectures about respect... how we need to respect each other, the world we all live in, ourselves, God, our fellow man, other "artists", Picasso, Left-handed midgets, respect this, respect that etc etc... What are these guys in the Mafia? The next morning you discover the parking spot they were parked in the night before is completely covered with empty water bottles, soda cans and Taco Bell.

33. Bands that are booked for a show but email every 12 hours to tell you they have changed their name and to please update your advertising. Call yourself Bobby & the Blowjobs for all we care, pick a name and STICK WITH IT!

34. Pathetic reasons why bands cancel. Bands that cancel 10 DAYS ahead of time because they have to go to a funeral! We feel so sad for these bands. Geez, I didn't know your grandpa was being stored on ice for 10 FUCKING DAYS! Who is he, Walt Disney??? If you’re going to friggin’ lie, try and come up with something half-way believable please.

35. Shows where the four local bands collectively can't outdraw the one out of town band you threw on the bill for gas money but through their own initiative and hustle actually manage to outdraw the four local bands (this BS actually happens!). We feel sorry and embarrassed for the out of town band who usually when getting paid out their gas money ask us quietly, "what’s up with the locals, why don't they have anybody come see them?" and we tell them as loudly as we can "BECAUSE THEY ARE PATHETIC & RETARDED LOSERS." Invariably (and we do mean invariably) their has to be the one local band who shoves the out of town band on the way to the door guy, lives 20 minutes away and brought a negative number of people, (they sucked so bad they ran off our happy hour crowd early) ask how much did they make and we tell them zero "BECAUSE THE BAND FROM 1/2 A CONTINENT AWAY OUTDREW YOUR PATHETIC AND RETARDED ASS.” Actually we don't say that because we're so pathetically nice, we usually say "you guys rocked, let us know when you want to play again!".

36 - 38: Bands that don't correctly understand the definition of these terms -

Load-In Time: CORRECT UNDERSTANDING: If a band has a load-in time of say 6:30 from that time they may attempt to enter the premises and inquire about loading in of their gear. If they by chance happen to arrive early they can occupy themselves with other activities to fill in the time, such as: visit the library, worship at a local church or synagogue or beating up the homeless guy living in the dumpster. INCORRECT UNDERSTANDING: If a band has a load-in time of say 6:30 they arrive at 1:45 in the afternoon and knock incessantly on the back door. Usually they knock while the owner is in the basement knee-deep in standing shit working with a plumber to fix a leaking drain pipe. After trudging all the way upstairs to find five snot-nosed kids asking if they can load-in now (and hang out all day!) they are politely told to fuck off and come back at 6:30.

Promoter: CORRECT UNDERSTANDING: This is a person who actively works to promote a show. They promote by distributing flyers, plugging the show wherever they can and try to get as many people as possible to come to the show. If they have an out of town band booked on the show they take financial responsibility to ensure they get paid and are taken care of in whatever way they need. They also take charge in organizing the show and making sure all the bands know when they are scheduled to play and how the money works for getting paid. INCORRECT UNDERSTANDING: This is a person who after asking repeatedly to put on a show does the following 1) fails to promote show in any way 2) fails to communicate any show details like lineup or order of the bands to the club (or the bands themselves) 3) makes themselves very scarce at the show , assuming they show up (they sometimes make a pathetic phone call just before doors to say they've just contracted a rare disease called pussyitis and to please take care of the out of town band). If they do show up and when questioned about things like band order, who's taking care of the bands etc. only respond with a blank stare.

Gas Money: CORRECT UNDERSTANDING: Gas Money is a term used to designate an amount of money to get a touring band to their next show. It sometimes includes a little more than that so they buy themselves some fast-food on their way or if they are lucky enough to cover a room at a Motel 6. Generally gas money would be considered anything from $30 to $75 and depends on how well the show goes. INCORRECT UNDERSTANDING: $200 is not gas money. $200 is we're partying all night on the East Side and getting privates at Roxy's for everyone in the band.

Touring Band: CORRECT UNDERSTANDING: This is a band that is engaged on a "tour.” They come to the Creepy Crawl while on their tour and often come from far away places such as the far corners of the country, Canada, Europe or Asia. They are on the road for extended periods of time, sometimes for several months at a time, in a van or bus and experience many new places along their journey. These bands are always entitled to at least gas money or more. INCORRECT UNDERSTANDING: Driving up from Festus does not make you a touring band.

A "Following": CORRECT UNDERSTANDING: A "following" is a collection of fans that attend the performances of a particular band. This is what bands try to develop to get ahead in the business and grow over time and is a measure of their general popularity. The larger a bands following generally means they will be booked more often and on better nights at the Creepy Crawl. INCORRECT UNDERSTANDING: A "following" does not mean all the people that attended The Queens of The Stone Age show you opened for to cover the last minute cancellation of a contractual local opener counts as your bands following (perhaps the rush to the bar by the entire club and club staff when you started playing was an indicator). And, yes, this means the Jager girls at the club that night probably didn't come to see you and probably won't be following you to your next show.

39. Bands that read this list and then send us emails like this one - click here.

Now how about we all start a band list, of the top annoying things that clubs and promoters do!!

I’ll start the ball rolling with:

1. Dear Creepy Crawl: When you know you’ve lost your liquor license, and someone is spinning for free and they call to set up a bar tab or drink tickets for some people that have been very helpful to them… why not tell them in the early afternoon that you don’t have any alcohol of any description, rather than waiting until 9pm so say “Sure! They can have all the water they want!”

Just a thought! With a little bit of alcohol to grease the wheels, it felt like it could have been a great night.

I came across an amazingly candid (and funny) list of annoyances from The Creepy Crawl in St Louis. I’m going to be there in a couple of weeks so I hope that I don’t end up on their next list. Check out the complete list of shows here:


Thursday 9/20 - Austin, TX @ Elysium
There will be a FREE Tour:Smart seminar and Q&A session at the Elysium from 6pm - 9pm...
After the seminar, the band Chant is playing a show at the venue, which Martin will be DJing. The Elysium is located at 705 Red River St. in Austin, TX.

Saturday 9/22 - Atlanta, GA @ Criminal Records
FREE in-store Tour:Smart seminar beginning at 3pm.
Criminal Records is located at 466 Moreland Ave NE in Atlanta, GA.

Sunday 9/23 - Mobile, AL @ Satori Sound Coffee House
FREE Tour:Smart seminar beginning at 6pm. Located at 5460 Old Shell Rd in Mobile, AL.

Monday 9/24 - New Orleans, LA @ University of New Orleans
Closed lecture on Legal Issues at University of New Orleans at 6pm. Available for events in New Orleans during the day, and those of you in New Orleans, check out the Baton Rouge event on Thursday...

Tuesday 9/25 – Baton Rouge, LA @ The L Bar
Tour:Smart Seminar 6pm – 9pm at the L Bar. FREE. Presented by Presonus
Martin will be DJing along with Brad from Torrent Vaccine. Presonus will be providing some amazing studio equipment as free giveaways during the event. Located at 174 South Blvd. in Baton Rouge, LA.

Wednesday 9/26 – Memphis, TN @ University of Memphis
Closed lecture at University of Memphis.

Thursday 9/27 – Columbia, MO @ TBA
Tour:Smart seminar, details to follow.

Friday 9/28 – St. Louis, MO @ East Central College, Vintage Vinyl, and Creepy Crawl.
Two closed lectures at East Central College.
FREE public Tour:Smart info-session and seminar at Vintage Vinyl at 5pm. Located at 6610 Delmar Blvd. in St Louis, MO.
Martin Atkins will then be DJing in between sets at Creepy Crawl, beginning at 9pm, located at 3524 Washington Ave. in St. Louis MO.


And, want to know more about the designated idiot t-shirt? That’s in a couple of weeks… You can get one of the shirts free when you order the book from us. ORDER HERE

And it's still cheap as F**K at Amazon. There's a pic of me wearing it on the Mancow show.




Bestest and be safe out there

MarteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeN Atkins


Top Annoying Things That Bands Do

1. Bands that feel compelled to bang on their drums and guitars in an annoying display of lack of talent before the doors open. Usually this occurs when we are trying to talk to someone on the phone or give instructions to employees. There is a place for this type of behavior, it’s called your basement.

2. Out of town bands that show up and say, "We decided to bring another band with us, don't worry, they just need gas money and pizza."

3. Out of town bands that watch you order their pizzas with "the works" and after they arrive tell you, "Oh, we're all vegetarians, can we get buy-outs instead?"

4. Local bands with managers.

5. Local bands that have a girlfriend as their manager (Can you say annoying pain in the ass?) This usually marks the beginning of the end for most bands at the Creepy.

6. Bands that bring their own "personal" sound-tech. After seeing him try to operate the soundboard for 5 minutes the house soundman concludes that this guy has absolutely no clue how to operate a PA. Accordingly, the band sounds like total shit.

7. Bands that have more roadies than band members.

8. Bands that spell their names with a strange spelling twist e.g., junkeez, katz etc. After meeting the band, however, we are left with the impression that they didn't intentionally try and spell their name with a twist but rather they probably just don't know how to spell.

9. The out of town band that was lucky to get the gig, brought absolutely nobody, bitched all night long about their time slot, when told they had 1 song left in their set play 4 more anyway who when being paid out $50 in gas money asks, "Is this the best you can do?"

10. Bands that arrive and state that they talked to someone at the club and were told they get to play 3rd at 10:30 and can play for an hour. When asked the name of the person they talked to they suddenly forget their name but are sure they talked to "someone".

11. Bands who all arrive at the same time but no one is willing to play first. Subsequently the show doesn't start until 11:30 and everyone has 10 minute sets.

12. Top 3 signs that the band will bring no one to the show - 1) 2 Weeks before the show they say "We're gonna pack your place!" - 2) 1 Week before the show they ask - "What's your capacity?" - 3) Upon arriving at the gig they ask "So how many people do YOU usually get on a Wednesday night?"

13. Bands who draw is so bad that even their guests don't show up.

14. Bands who have no guests because they have no friends.

15. Bands who bring absolutely no one to their first gig and then call back incessantly to ask for another show and can't understand why they haven't gotten asked back. That's fine, we don't have to eat this month and we really dig watching you guys rock out to our empty club. Bands who fit this category don't need to bother calling back because the booking guy will always be away when you call.

16. Bands who after drawing no one at the end of the night apologize by saying, "geez, after you booked us we booked ourselves to play at the Hi-Pointe last night and we told all our friends to go to that show, that's probably why no one came tonight. BTW, when do you think we can play here again?" (Note: see above for our response.)

17. Bands who pester you to book their bands "side-project". Side-project is another name for self-indulgent crap so embarrassingly bad they can't dignify it with a name and gives them a cover why none of their friends will come see them "perform". (Would you go see your friend masturbate if they asked you to come watch?) Note to bands: think of your side-project as a project never to get booked again.

18. Bands who show up wearing "All Access" laminates around their neck. (Note to these bands: We honor these laminates for the bathroom and parking lot areas only.) I wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up but you don't see me walking around wearing a spacesuit at the club. We're convinced these people are recovering air guitar addicts from the '80s.

19. Bands who right before their set ask to play without a PA so it won't be deducted from their pay. (This has actually happened before.) Sure, we'll just ask the sound guy to go home for a 1/2 hour.

20. Bands that want to play in front or the side of the stage.

21. Bands that suck and then ask if you'll swap them out a shirt. You know, our shirts actually cost us money and I really doubt anyone at the club wants to wear your shirt. How about if we swap stickers and call it even?

22. Band members that ask 10 times throughout the night for a water or soda (usually in a nasally whining voice.) Typically this occurs when your in the middle of doing something important like counting down the drawer or dealing with actual paying customers. They usually like to precede their requests with a, "Do you think its possible I could get a...." etc. etc. We feel like responding, "Do you think it's possible you could shut the fuck up and go away?"

Somewhere between FUSE gallery in NYC, Hole In The Sky Black Metal Festival in Bergen Norway, (loads of nice people – guess what, they don’t JUST burn churches!) and the horrible jet lag of too many trans-Atlantic flights in a few days – the following column tumbled out. The condos are real, everything else you should take with a grain of whatever powder you think appropriate...



The Hit Factory NYC, 54th street – (One of the world’s largest and most successful recording facilities, known for producing, well, hits.)
I was there, just briefly in the '80s sometime.
“Oh yeah,” says a passerby, “I live there now.”
Yup, want to record an album at the Hit Factory? Well you can’t because you’ll wake the neighbours who will soon be sleeping in the drum room!

Shhhhhhhhhh.

The world famous studio building is being converted into condos. So, I’m wondering what the premium, the cache, the whatever is. Does the sound of Lou Reed, Madonna, U2 still reverberate in the toilet? Do the pipes still hold their magic and if so, can we call a plumber? One pitch says, “You can sing in the shower with the ghosts of Mick Jagger, Stevie Wonder and Tony Bennett!” Yeah, except none of those people are dead. Does my condo contract come with a, errrr, contract? IF so then yes, count me in – I want the Madonna suite! Starting at 1 million plus, you will be thrilled to walk past the old gold discs in the lobby.

Are you likely to remove a brick and, Alcatraz style, find someone’s stash?
I’ve heard of hiring an exterminator to get termites out of your walls …..but needles?

You can buy T-shirts in the lobby that proudly announce;
“Janis Joplin puked in my toilet!” or, “Proud parent of a soccer kid that SCORED! Living in the building where John Lennon SCORED!” and other charming items that give each condo, each pad, each crib a unique odor…choose the unique "heroin addict blood filled syringe discharge spiral" pattern for your living room carpet – CSI Chic.

The remaining vibes are more prominent than even the developers hoped for; Complaints are on the increase, the accountant living in the area known as drum room two – a favorite of Ginger Baker – is on the verge of being fired for being constantly late! (Insert drum roll here please) The woman with the magnificently appointed kitchen located on the exact spot of the studio one vocal booth made famous by Vanilla Ice, wants to leave - she cannot make her children’s favorite sandwich because she is always out-of tun-a! (Insert another roll here please with cymbal crash) The hot chick in apt 4B was just arrested for indecent exposure because she can never find her g-string. Since moving into the Studio B apt complex, made famous for the Prince recordings, the usually quiet family in apt. 1997 is confused, behaving as if they are the x-popping ravers next door – partying as if they are in apt. 1999.

Some things are sure
This is a brick house, they are living next door to Alice, its been a long time since the rock and roll, rust never sleeps and and and……

As a kind of icing on the cake, the developers have piped the hits from this world famous studio into the elevators and restrooms of the building. What a fitting tribute indeed.
Can you feel the spirit of Elvis? Can you feel it?

Of course you can, you’re treading on it.

Coming soon : Assasination Park – Dallas……….have hours of fun with the kids tracking the trajectory of the bullet that killed JFK – see if your condo was the one!

See you on the road – send me an e-mail, we are booking mini seminar dates NOW!

I’m out and about – NYC this week, NY Red Bulls on Saturday - closing party is Wednesday, then NORWAY. Come and say Hi. Thanks to the wonderful people at Black Sun Festival and here at Fuse Gallery in NYC – awesome!

Meanwhile, here are more great questions and ok answers from the Hay Perro Q & A

Q - Offer a variety of potential dates? It seems that offering multiple dates offers the best chance of getting booked, but it may also increase the likelihood of being thrown in a "maybe" pile and forgotten about.
A - I’d say you’re looking for a show ANYTIME, why place any constraints at all on it? If it means you need to hold off booking another local show until you hear back, then do so (for a while at least) maybe another interesting show will come up and create the deadline needed to crunch people into action.

Q- Does an ignored email mean "write again to follow up" or "we're probably not interested now or ever?” Is it possible to email too much?
A – Emails are easy to delete. Don’t ramble – you can say: "Our band – are still looking for an opening slot at your club, our mailing list continues to grow and WE WILL WORK OUR ASSES OFF TO PROMOTE ANY SHOW YOU THROW AT US." And, read the section from promoters in the book. A promoter tells you what he wants to hear!!! THINK what you would like to hear IF you were the promoter.

Q - Is there any kind of directory of small, indie rock friendly
venues? We've mostly been mining the tour itineraries of similar bands and wondered if there was an easier way. Something along the lines of the old Maximum Rock ‘n’ Roll magazine, "Book Your Own Fucking Life?" There are some larger directories out there, but those seem to include every place that's ever even considered having a band and don't seem to differentiate between places that book rock bands every night and those that book them twice a year.
A- Well, this is one of those many situations in art/music/entertainment where easier just doesn’t enter into the equation. IF there was an amazing directory, wouldn’t you STILL want to check that they hadn’t gone “country” before you get in the van, tune up your guitars, wash your armpits and get ready for amazing before, during, and after show sex (with yourself)!?! Cause it ain’t happening if it is now Tequila Two-Step Tuesdays! Yeee haaaaaa! There are no short-cuts except maybe reading my book – but that’s going to take you a freaking week. Keep doing exactly what you are doing – don’t just look at other bands dates, look at other cities too. Someone was just in the office talking about Ribfest in some town in Illinois I have never heard of. And, don’t laugh, at least when you play Ribfest you know you ain’t getting pizza!

Q: Marketing and related. In addition to our regular web site (www.hayperro.com), we also have the inevitable MySpace account. We try to keep up with friends and fans through the MySpace. In terms of in-person marketing, we use our stickers a lot, handing them out before we play at shows and trying to always keep a few on us in case we find ourselves in an Hay Perro-related conversation.
A – Not really a question and congratulations on throwing in your website. I didn’t use that strategy in my book TSTOURING.COM but I’m using it now!! ALWAYS have your shit with you – I met a few people over the weekend at Black Sun Festival that didn’t. You gotta.

Q - Having a CD is relatively new to us and we're still trying to figure out how to use them as a promotional device. We've given some to close friends and given a couple to local college radio stations. We generally sell them for $5.
A – Well ok – but don’t think of them as a revenue stream, they are just large business cards. With that in mind, maybe put your press kit on there and as video – along with the materials a club might need to throw something interesting on their web site. Logo, photographs an mp3 that’s ready, loud and small!


Q- How important is it to maintain an email list?
A – Ok, you didn’t just ask me that did you? I’d have to use so many “really really’s” in my answer that the SG language and grammar police will be all over my ass. It is the corner stone of the church you are building. This is why Ticketmaster has power – they have your addresses! (And also why they are thinking about starting a concert promotion division.) This will give you the ability to communicate directly with your fans and have a great, well attended show even if there is no rave preview in the local paper.
So, essential. Really, really essential. Really!!

Peace, love, respect…….buy art, buy books, and, be safe out there.

MarteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeN

Thanks for all of the great comments, quotes and support on the book. For this week’s column I am reprinting some thoughts I was asked to contribute to a new product line that Presonus have coming out:

Ok, before you do what’s next, have you done what’s first?
You know the easiest way to put together 12 GREAT-sounding, well-written songs? You write and record 20 or 30, then 10 or 12 will just be that much better than the others – that’s a great tip for getting a better result.

Don’t be afraid to experiment – with sounds, with words, with textures, with everything! THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG. You aren’t paying $100 an hour for a studio and a jaded, washed-up, bitter engineer’s opinion about your music, so it’s just about how much time, energy and thought you want to put in. Be careful – you can completely over-work a song – keep saving – remember what you liked about a song or an idea in the beginning. Why did you move forwards with this one over that one? Are those elements still there – still interesting to you? Choose those elements and showcase them as Geordie from Killing Joke would say, “Feature it or FUCK IT!” If something is sonically getting in the way – then decide if it is one of these important sounds – and make a decision. You can always go back to an earlier version if you decide you have taken a wrong turn. Sometimes wrong turns are good, sometimes they are indeed, wrong turns.

The only bad news I think with all of this independence is that, not only are you unplugged from all of the invoices from commercial studios and the unwanted opinions about your music and your sounds, you are also unplugged from some of the wanted and needed opinions too. So, try and make up for this by reading some home recording magazines, talk to others online about getting sounds, working song structures, etc. and LISTEN……use your ears and your brain. You can ALWAYS listen to anything you want and A – B, (that means switching between two sounds or songs to analyze what’s similar and what’s different about them) – this way you can always improve.

When you are recording, document the process. It’s good to educate yourself about the progression of songs and mixes, the decisions you made, but it is also great CONTENT for your rabid fans. You’re not HUGE and not many people other than a few friends and family members care very much right now, but, sometime soon, more people will and, if you work hard, more and more and more will. Keep early mixes – sometimes an early version of a song has some elements that you are experimenting with that, for some reason, don’t make it onto the final version – sometimes this is because the pieces just don’t work for the song, sometimes it’s because the vibe changes. Very often these early versions can sound like re-interpretations of the finished track – actually they are pre-interpretations. You should also snap a few pics and run some video too if you can. It’s all great to put up on the web and get people to see the whole story - “Here I am in the studio playing with my knob!”

Song Content and Order
Think about the order of your songs. Some bands put their best song third or last (to be difficult). PUT YOUR BEST SONG FIRST!! The person listening might be busy and only have a few seconds….yes that’s right, a few seconds – that doesn’t just apply to busy industry professional like myself……(oh yeah!) …….that’s EVERYONE ON THE PLANET! So, don’t mess around, you might only have ten seconds to GRAB someone that has drifted along to your site so – get with it!

A Word about Mastering
There has been much discussion in print and online about the subtleties of mastering, this is the last remnants of the digital vs. analog debate I think. To me, there is no debate – Fuck Subtlety – this is AMERICA! Tape makes drums sounds better – it’s just a fact. I cried when I fired up the 8 track machine and listened back to drums that I had recorded a decade ago– I cried – then I played with my knob. BUT, these new tools do more for creativity than the subtlety of a better sounding bass drum – and, anyway, you can always grab one from my sound library discs! (Out soon on Cakewalk!) Use mastering tools carefully and sparingly, use some compression or light limiting to make the songs sound immediate and audible through those magnificent 1/2” speakers in your laptop. Think about treating songs differently for disc or Myspace.

Song Structure/Lyrics/Arrangements for Specific Purposes
Just a little bit on this subject – as it applies to the whole mastering/best song first process. IF you have a great song with a moody, subdued introduction, be careful about putting that up on line as your single, especially if it is going to be one of your first tracks out there – this is a generation of channel surfers – how long do you stick with a channel that isn’t grabbing you? Not long (for me it’s about 4 hours). Consider doing an internet edit of this song – so it SLAMS straight in – you can always do the extended version for the velvet-triple-fold-out-vinyl box set.

IF you are making POP music (whatever that means) then I always suggest that a song have at least ONE t-shirt in it. What do I mean by that? Well, some hooks or lyrics from a song make great t shirts. Does your song have any phrases or lines that would work well on a shirt? IF NOT then you are closing off an avenue of extra sales and possible cash to help fill the gas tank and get to the next show.

When you are finally finished with that mix, mute all of the vocal tracks and run a mix as an instrumental. It’s great to keep handy in case a game company wants an instrumental version of a song – and you’ll hear all of the mistakes you thought the vocals and that really noisy keyboard patch were covering up.

I’m on the road for the next couple of weeks:
I’ll be at The Black Sun Festival Saturday, Aug. 11th in New Haven, CT at 3:30pm for a panel discussion about the future of the music business. I’ll be there all day Sunday the 12th too, so drop by and ask me some questions or better yet – send me an e-mail and I’ll put some time aside for ya!

Monday night August 13th I will be at Ceremony in Boston at 6:30pm for a FREE and informal lecture on my trip to China, then I’ll be spinning later on (doors for the DJ event are at 9:30pm). I’ll have some Red Bull to keep you all going after the weekend’s madness and I’ll be giving away some tickets to OZZFEST.

Wednesday the 15th I’m in NYC at Fuse Gallery at 6:00pm for the opening (with refreshments) of my retrospective gallery show. View the gallery video HERE.

I’m playing drums with my old bandmates (pre-Killing Joke and Pigface) The Lunar Bear Ensemble @ The Court Tavern The Court Tavern, Thursday night the 16th in New Brunswick, NJ. I haven’t played in a while so come and watch my hands bleed. I’ll be at the gallery until 22nd then I’m off to the Hole In The Sky Festival in Norway to conduct a Tour:Smart seminar – come on over and ask me some more questions!

Also, for CMJ this year I’ll be moderator of the panel "Scaling the Wall: Taking Care of Business in China" at CMJ. The panel is Wednesday, October 17 th at 10:30am in the Rosenthal Room at NYU's Kimmel Center if you miss me in the next month or so.

AAAAND. . .If you haven’t gotten a copy of Tour:Smart yet, just visit TSTOURING.COM!

See you on the road!!!

Martin Atkins

Let’s stick with Hay Perro – they seem to be in the same position as many new bands so answering their questions feels like it’s good advice for others…….of course, you are welcome to send me your own personal nightmare scenario too.

HP: Out-of-town shows. This seems like a very logical next step, and since Chicago is centrally located, we have a variety of options. We've accumulated a decent list of small venues that are friendly to out of town bands and we're looking to schedule a few weekend tours this summer. Since we all have Monday-Friday jobs that prevent any kind of longer touring, we're looking mostly for Friday-Saturday combinations.

MA: So you could use the “weekend hit and run” strategy (page 17 of Tour:Smart). One of your problems will be, as a new band, you want to be able to use established evenings (or built-ins) to help you gain more exposure – some of the best ones might well be on a week night. It seems a bit simplistic to just look at doing shows on Friday and Saturday. You could get to an out of town show (and back) 100 miles away – it would make for a groggy, bad value for your boss day the next day – but certainly no worse than the damage an all-nighter at a club can cause and who cares! Fuck the system, meet the new boss……..just the same as the old boss……except there’s benefits…..oh errrrrrr...(if your day job is an airline pilot – just keep drinking). You might have a situation where two of you can get a couple of days off, but one person really can’t. Here and there you can deal with this by adding in a Sunday show but flying the other person back so they don’t lose their job, while the rest of you drive back with the gear and all of the loot! Unfortunately, any venues willing to risk an untried out of town band will probably only do so on a Monday/Tuesday……so you might need to look for some more flexibility in your day job.

It’s well worth dealing with the problems that day jobs can create. Without any other sources of income you will quickly be in all kinds of shit – losing the path that you decided to set out on and losing your ability to do it your way. You will end up doing too many local shows because you need the money, the free beer and the high! Nowhere ever in the history of the world have I come across a situation with a band with (say) six members that has a strategy to take over the world, but first, they all get two jobs and put $100 bucks a week each into their “make or break” or “break or die” fund. Wow, that’s ANARCHY. How sad is it when strategies like saving and planning feel weird to even type on the page of a band advice column?……Naaaa, only joking! What you need is DRUGS baby, Drugs!


HP: Is there a good way to say, "We are a new band and we have no draw in your city, but we would love to play at your venue?” We have friends scattered all over the Midwest, but there are some cities where no one
specifically coming to see us is likely.

MA: Well, honesty is a good thing – just think it through. If you blag it and con a venue into giving you a Thursday night slot because you are HUUUUUUUUGE – then that’s terrific, until you are standing on stage in an empty club. It is the phallic equivalent of a jump into a freezing cold pool. Congratulations, at last, your career is now the size of your shrunken dick – but hey, look at my nipples! (Of course, I am using dick-ness as a universal metaphor here.) So, honesty is a GREAT thing (in this case). I don’t know that telling the venue that no one is going to come to see you is really going to do much. Brownie points for honesty might help a little, but maybe they – or you – can locate a band in (let’s say St Louis) that REALLY wants to do exactly what you are doing, but their target is Chicago. Da daaaaaa! The promoter is, after all, a hub of information in their area, or should be. Tell the venue that you are setting up a show with this out of town band, and want to play with them next time in St Louis. Also, of course, tell the band. Make sure that this is all understood before you work your nuts off (there I go again with the testicular vernacularis which reminds me of a tour when I was in Portugal….). Make sure that the out-of-towners don’t accept a conflicting show a few days before – making you look like an idiot and shredding YOUR credibility.

More universal questions from Hay Perro next time (do I spell the name differently every time, and, what does the name mean?????) and meanwhile I should tell you that my book is now available! I will be on the east coast from August10th onwards first at Black Sun Festival ( http://www.blacksun-festival.com ) on a panel about the future of the music business then in NYC for my Tour:Smart book launch and art gallery opening at Fuse Gallery August 15th ( http://www.litloungenyc.com ). I’ll be at various Ozzfest’s hanging at the Jagermeister booth, playing drums with The Lunar Bear Ensemble at The Court Tavern New Brunswick, NJ on August 16th with Dave Dreiwitz from Ween on cornet (who has the balls to eat ice cream on stage!), doing an interview on WFMU, making some appearances in Boston and all over the place….as usual…… Send me an email and maybe I’ll come sit with you for a while and give you the tools you need to be errrrr, tools.

Be careful out there!

Martin Atkins



Martin’s new book Tour:Smart is available and shipping now for $29.95, click the link to order your copy.

http://s38226.sites38.storefront-hosting.com/detail.aspx?ID=611

This week I’m excited. I just signed a distribution deal with IPG here in Chicago, I’m heading to NYC in early August for another gallery show, interviews, and a bit of drumming with The Lunar Bear Ensemble -- who were in many ways the inspiration that enabled the revolving door of Pigface. And, if you'd like a live case study while I am out there, send me an e-mail and I’ll come and sit on your couch and paint a useful horrible picture of what the future holds for you. So, as promised, I’m looking at a part of one of the case studies – a local Chicago band called Hay Perro, as they describe themselves:

“We are a four piece band from Chicago that plays loud rock with punk and some pop overtones. We have been together for about a year, played about a dozen shows, and recently released our debut EP. We're very pleased with both the recordings and the current state of our live show and we feel that we're ready to take the proverbial next step and we're trying to figure out the best way to approach said step.

Local shows:
The conventional adage is to play anytime, anywhere, but in order to have a consistent draw (which club owners love) we usually limit shows to about once a month. This generally seems to be the best frequency of keeping people interested, but not killing our draw (which while originally just friends is now expanding to casual acquaintances and people we don't know personally). While initially we just played with friends' bands, now we are trying to branch out and stay in touch with other bands we have played with that have a similar sound (and audience). When booking, we're honest with venues in telling them that we usually draw about 15 people and on a few occasions we've drawn more than 20. We're pretty comfortable with how local shows have been working out, but we still have some questions:

Q - (HP) - We sometimes get offers (usually from other bands) to play a show close to another one that we already have scheduled. For obvious reasons, venues ask that we not play out too often. Do the benefits of extra exposure generally outweigh the cost of splitting your draw between two shows?

A - (MA) - Nope, splitting your exposure, errrr, splits your exposure and, it’s an easy way to piss off a club owner or booker – or at least make them think that you don’t have a clue about what makes a show important. So, what about emailing a bunch of these bands and saying, “HEY, we all keep doing this to each other at the last minute – adding a band to the bill in an attempt to double each of our small audiences. Rather than doing this at the last minute in an ineffective way – we aren’t going to do any other shows in the 8 weeks except for ____ in 8 weeks time……..if there are one or two of you fuckers that have had a similar experience – or, are prepared to admit it instead of waffling on about your last amazing show to a throbbing crowd (which actually means the three people down the front had a headache) then get in touch – we are doing a small FREE show at ________ on this date. The venue has said they will give us all a case of beer each and their best soundman!”
Meet with the other two bands, try and do some flyering, put together a three band, two tracks per band free giveaway CD to get more people to the show and try and latch on to any other event. Between three (or four) bands you can brainstorm some interesting ideas and try to get plugged into something! But at least, if YOU organize this, you are showing a promoter that YOU understand, even if one of the bands screws up and accepts a show close to the big show you are organizing, at least they can see that you are trying. See the answer to the next question for more ideas to do with this issue……

Q - Similarly, we also sometimes get offered shows where we know we won't draw well because of date or location. From the standpoint of building relationships with venues, is it better to play a show to a minimal turnout or to decline the offer?

A - You could ask the venue if they are stuck for a band. Because if they are, you’d be happy to help out even though it isn’t going to help you with your new strategy for moving further up the slippery ladder. (You know, the one with most of the rungs partially cut through, that smells like it’s been doused with gasoline and is riddled with dry rot, wet rot and termites? That ladder!) So, you want to build up your relationship with the venue – letting them know that they can count on you in a crisis – but also let them know that there are repercussions for you. They might assure you that they will not forget the favor.

Q - What is a reasonable negotiation strategy for getting paid after shows? Are we still at the point where we should be glad to get anything, or is it acceptable to push a little? At our last show, we drew more than 20 people at $6 each and we got paid $20. Is asking for more considered unprofessional and ungrateful?

A - Good question. Let’s think it through. It’s not unprofessional or ungrateful to ask for more money – there just doesn’t seem to be much point. IF you TRIUMPH, and, double your $$$! Wow, you did it you did it! You showed them! Yeah you did, and, between the four members of your band you each put an extra FIVE DOLLARS in your pocket – or looked at another way, you almost paid for the gas and the first round of drinks! Is it really worth raising the subject? I’d suggest just keeping your heads down and not causing any problems… The currency that you want to be paid in, the most precious coin is OPPORTUNITY. So, you need to PUSH in another direction. How about asking if the venue would agree to some kind of drinks special for an hour if you (and the other three bands) agree to waive any fee? You might be surprised at the reaction from the venue. THEN you will be able to hype the event with something that people are interested in - cheap booze! This will be a nice reward for anyone of your friends that has already seen you seven times and a great incentive for anyone that hasn’t. OK, so, approach a venue with this idea: For a Monday or Tuesday night, maybe give the first one a name – “The Unknown Zone,” “Four More Crap Bands,” “The New Music Endurance Test,” all of these bands sound terrible but with drinks at these prices you won’t care! Then you can look for bands to join you on the night that you have created! BUT, now you are on the hook. If two of the bands are horrible, stupid, disrespectful assholes, you will be on the line for it. So, you are trading off something that might be very difficult to deal with – getting a larger crowd – for something that isn’t too hard for some people – dealing with assholes. MAKE SURE YOU ARE THE LATTER AND NOT THE FORMER.
I skipped ahead to one of your next questions (next time) and saw that you want to head out of town. Why not offer this opportunity to one of the out-of-town bands that might have a foothold in Chicago? Or be close enough that some of their fans might travel to support them in Chicago (for cheap beer!) so that when you want to head out to Milwaukee, you have already done some groundwork??

A - Do yourself and everyone else a favor and TRY and streamline some of the equipment issues. Avoid a band with a drummer with 37 tom toms, bells, gamelan and a gong. See if all of the bass players will share a rig. Simple stuff that will allow a three or four band event on a Monday or Tuesday night to NOT become some kind of 2am fiasco. The club owner will tell you it’s a late crowd on a Tuesday – and he’s right – they’re not coming ‘til THURSDAY!

Ok, see ya….stay cool, unless of course you are reading this in Canada and then you are just the coolest fuck on the planet, aintcha!

MA

Thank you for all of the comments over the last couple of months. One keeps coming up that I thought I should mention. It’s this one...

“Great column, a bit obvious,” or “Of course that’s all common sense and quite obvious," etc. Well, it’s time to make a couple of new points. First, I'm trying not to say “fuck,” “fucking” or “fucker” too much these days. I removed a ton from the book and there are still 166 of them in there. If you throw too many “fuck-fuck-fuck’s” around it doesn't quite hit with the same impact....anyway (sorry I'm getting there). I don’t want to say, “Nothing is fucking obvious when you have your head in the star-studded clouds or up your own ass,” (same thing?) but, dude, nothing is FUCKING OBVIOUS......So, maybe that should have been the title of this column instead of some new Sting album-sounding title. So, now I have used up several more “fuck's,” enough rambling from me. I'm going to start sounding more scholarly and make up a word, or a new phrase: "the obviosity level," yeah!

The obviosity level, especially in the time period leading up to a tour, is at a decreased rate due to hopes, the dismissal of fears (which are still there lurking), the increased testosterone level enabling the dismissal of girly fears and the lame ass ability to label realistic fears as girly. Sensible becomes a bad word (try mentioning sensible shoes to the singer!), good becomes BAD and sane becomes mad, up becomes down and you HAVE to get down to get up. The faint blinking flicker of the tiny candle of hope in the distant mists of the horizon becomes more real than the two-foot-high flames leaping from the engine and moving perilously close to the lead guitarist’s girlfriend’s tarot cards.

Anyone suggesting that the m.p.g. of a vehicle be checked, buying a map (or g.p.s.) or any of that shit becomes silly, lack luster, cowardly, boy-scout-ish and against the mood of bravado that will get you through. Paradoxically (or if we were in the footwear business – pair of Docs-i-cally) in some forms this stupidity is essential, it is the voodoo of self propaganda that will enable you to make it and walk over the burning coals or, massively, NOT. Understanding it is one of the first parts of getting to grips (really getting to grips) with all of this. The Monday morning quarterbacking people who scream “obvious” are probably sitting around drinking tea, everything is obvious when you are sitting around drinking tea except the fact that tea is lame (Try this with tea replaced by Newcastle Brown Ale - all of the obvious elements are enhanced by the well documented ‘Li’ factor - the more you drink the more obLivious you become!...Boom-boom, cymbal splash). So, obviosity becomes denser under pressure, less opaque when viewed from a distance, gains or loses greater leverage depending on the beverage. I've spent many years banging my head, and banging my head against a wall looking at this stuff. Some of it is starting to become clearer (or it would be if there wasn’t so much blood in my eyes). You cannot apply rationale to the irrational like an ointment on a burn. It’s going to hurt for a while, and then your skin is coming off.

Does a wet paint sign make it any less likely that some idiot (Me! Me! Me!) is going to touch the paint?? You can put up posters warning people that the Michael Shenker Group is coming to town - people still go to the concerts, not everyone leaves town until it’s safe to venture out again.

Next time I will be doing another case study for a new band here in Chicago looking to move forwards. Among other things we’ll answer the questions:
“What is a reasonable negotiation strategy for getting paid after shows? Should we be glad to see anything or is it acceptable to push a little?”

Be safe, stay cool,
MA

I’ve always had a love stashed deep in my heart for Pigface--the mechanical landscape of purring sounds, the looped euphoria and aggressively smooth beats always tickle their way up and down my spine. They consistently keep me guessing who or what will be on the next album, and always surprise me. The ever-changing members and artists who contribute are why their sound is always evolving, or rather, “industrious” as they describe themselves.

According to Martin Atkins of Pigface (Pil, Ministry, NIN, Killing Joke) he was having such a great time in China that he decided to stay…

Keep a lookout for their new album in 2007 and have a listen here.