Blowhan Round-Up: Stealing Girlfriends at Knifepoint
So I recently noticed that there are some "shocking" photos all over the net of well documented firecrotch Lindsay Lohan and some vaguely ethnic "gal pal" doing something sexy and scary with knives, or as I fondly refer to tame yet hot pseudo-lesbian blade play, a nice-Sunday-evening-at-Hunter's-house:
For those of you who have a life, the hottie with LiLo is Vanessa Minnilo, who apparently hosts something called TRL in addition to boinking notorious Jessica-Simpson-rosebud-plucker Nick Lachey. Basically, she's a poor man's Jessica Alba. Anyway, the photos are referred to alternately as "eye-popping,""frightening" and "shocking" by People.com and The National Ledger. The National Ledger then follows up with concerned statements about LiLo's mental health, saying a "friend from Lindsay's inner circle revealed how the star's mental state has continued to crumble behind the walls of the Promises clinic in California":
"On the first night she couldn't stop crying. Since then she's refused to follow the rules and keeps having hissy fits about people," says the source.
Oh National Ledger! You are such a nice paper. You drew the parallel from Lindsay enjoying a nice-Sunday-evening-at-Hunter's-house with Janessa Minnalba to her crumbling mental state because you care about this talented young actress and want her to get better. You even care enough to have titled the post so that the maximum number of people will see it and maybe somehow send psychic vibes to help her:
Lindsay Lohan Knife Photos: Blade Held by Lohan's Breast
You didn't want to exploit the LiLo boobies, but if that's what it takes to heal her, so be it.
I wonder if the same "friend" who talked about her desperate mental condition released this statement to the press?
That night I saw her do more than 20 big lines of cocaine. She was still up doing drugs at 11am even though she had started about 8pm the night before...When she is on coke, which is most of the time, all the attention has to be on her. I have lost count of the number of times I have watched as she stripped naked in front of everyone. Then she loves to check herself out in the mirror as she parades around with her boobs hanging out. One night we had gone back to her place and, as always, as soon as she walked through the door she stripped down to her thong, bent down and snorted cocaine off her coffee table and then off her toilet seat...it turns her into an angry monster. I have watched many a time Lindsay treating her staff like crap."
(from idontlikeyouinthatway)
What the friend didn't mention was that after snorting 10,000 more lines, the wrathful be-thonged wereslut grew angry that there was no more of the sweet, life-sustaining nose candy left in the state of California and ate seven of her handlers, then burned an eighth with her deadly firecrotch. "LiLo smash!" she was quoted as saying as she tore the seat off the toilet and sniffed it in a vain attempt to find lingering residue, then got even angrier and used it to hack off male concubine Jude Law's head. Giant pussy Jared Leto suggested from his cage by the bed that someone call the National Guard, but was subsequently rebuffed by Lohan's remaining staff, who wanted to keep situation "discrete" and handle it on their own with custom designed, high powered wereslut prods. But since WereLiLo's body runs on the yey and not animal proteins, she gradually grew weaker until she was forced to retreat to the safety of her slut-cave.
Also, did I ever tell you about the time I had breakfast with WereLilo? Bitch drank a full glass of liquid LSD with her eggs, then slept for eight months straight. When she woke up, she rubbed her eyes and said, "All in all, I prefer gin!" Here's to Bill Brasky...I mean Lindsay Lohan.
But even scary celeb monsters with the ability to shoot flames out of their crotches have to take a break from all the maiming sometimes. LiLo recently transformed back into human form long enough to leave a lovey dovey (alleged) message on the myspace page of socialite spawn and somewhat fugly lesbian DJ Samantha Ronson:
"Babe, if I don't have you in my life then I should just go die. ... I want to marry you and have children with you."
(idontikeyouinthatway)
LiLo will presumably impregnate Ronson via her seven inch clit, which is the only one of her numerous magical clits that functions like a small penis, shooting weresperm into the fertile, untouched womb of DJ licks-a-lot who, unlike most self-respecting lesbians, has no problem with canoodling with a well documented lesbian-for-attention who also morphs into a motherfucking monster and eats people.
This lesbo werechild will be sent to the Paris Hilton Playhouse to do battle with the awesome Richie-Madden spider-kid. Who will come out on top is anyone's guess. Some people might take this impending battle as yet another sign of the end times, but I feel rather blessed to live in an age of awe-inspiring creatures who have evolved skills most humans can only dream of (you wish you had a flamethrower in your hoo-hah!) Or at least that's what the 'bloids would have you believe.
Nation Relieved: Al Gore Will Save Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay Lohan had a secret and productive meeting with Al Gore. An insider revealed that, during this meeting, Gore agreed to help Lohan with her image problems. The insider is Lohan herself and she released the exciting information in an email to her friends and representatives.
"Al Gore will help me. He came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me. If he is willing to help me, let's find out. Hilary [sic] Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan Metroplis [sic], and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK."
God willing, someone will ask Bill Clinton, nay, both Clintons, to help this poor starlet with her image problems. Currently Bill Clinton is raising money to help tsumani victims and doing other meaningless crap. Finally he can bring some purpose to his life. Lohan continued:
"Let's sue the tabloids for saying the things they say. Defamation of character."
Invoking what she puzzlingly calls the "way of the future-Howard Hughes," her desire is to "release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite [sic] letter to the press."
Lohan says she wants to state her opinions on "how our society should be educated for the better of our country. Our people . . . because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see."
I could not agree more. I am nearly forty, almost dead, as the young folks would say. Without Lohan I would just be an empty shell, dead inside. She has an impact on my daily life that allows me to live.
LiLo Watch
Since readers seem to love these celebrity gossip pieces so much, I felt obliged to post once again on everyone's favorite famous fuck-up, Lindsay Lohan.
How did LiLo drown her tears, after being dumped by rumored-fiance Harry Morton on Thursday? By making out with Paris Hilton's ex, of course! Apparently this weekend Miss Lohan went to Dragonfly - the very same club where Paris partied with the Suicide Girls a few weeks ago - with Stavros Niarchos, the Greek shipping heir Hilton was involved with last year.
And if you like to hear pretty girls cussing like sailors...Check out this video of LiLo, covered with a sheet as she leaves Dragonfly, telling the paparazzi to "fuck off and die." Charming, Lindsay. Really charming.
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Harry & LiLo Break Up
The inevitable has finally happened. After two and a half long months of partying and drama, Harry Morton, 25, has broken up with Lindsay Lohan, 20. According to People, Harry dumped poor LiLo yesterday at the Chateau Marmont, her sometime home in LA. Later last night, after visiting celebutante clubhouse Hyde to drown her sorrows, the distraught redhead reportedly got into a catfight over Harry with none other than Miss Paris Hilton.
Calm down, ladies. There are plenty more scraggly restaurant heirs where that one came from.
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Celebs That Make You Go Hmm...
They're too fat! They're too skinny! They're not talented enough! Maybe, just maybe, we're all a little too tough on our celebrities. Perhaps, when they stop eating or...start DJing...we should simply let them lead their merry lives. We'll start on that first thing tomorrow. But for now:
Kate Bosworth's bony nipple slip from Fashion Week
Unfit or just unflattering? Jennifer Love Hewitt leaving a store recently |
DJ Steve Aoki looks on as Lindsay Lohan fucks with his equipment at NY's Tenjune last night
Lindsay Lohan Gets Ripped Off, Out a Million Bucks
Whats the world coming to when a girl cant leave her $6,000 handbag on a luggage cart without having it stolen?
Poor Lindsay Lohan learned a hard lesson about the cruel world. A thief made off with her Hermes Birkin bag at Heathrow Airport, then got a nice little bonus. Inside the bag was a stash of jewelry worth an estimated $1 million.
An orange Birkin bag? Might as well carry a sign with Steal me on it. Its like putting a hot girl next to Colin Farrell and not expecting him to have sex with her.
Also stolen was Lohans asthma medication, which she probably needed after discovering the theft. There are no leads yet in the case, but so far there are no reports Brandon Davis was anywhere in the vicinity.
So this is what losing a million dollars looks like.
Lindsay Lohan Needs an Ass-Kicking, Says William H. Macy
You know youve messed up when a respected, old-school actor like William H. Macy chastises you. Macy has piled on the Lohan tardiness wagon, saying the young actress needs a whuppin' for her partying ways.
The veteran actor praised Lohans talent, but said she was "disrespectful by consistently arriving late on the set of Georgia Rule, which co-stars Macys wife, Felicity Huffman.
"I think what an actor has to realize (is that) when you show up an hour late, 150 people have been scrambling to cover for you," Macy told reporters Thursday. "There is not an apology big enough in the world to have to make 150 people scramble. It's nothing but disrespect. And Lindsay Lohan is not the only one. A lot of actors show up late as if they're God's gift to the film. It's inexcusable, and they should have their asses kicked."
Macy says Lohan was also late on the set of the upcoming film Bobby, in which they share a scene.
On the other hand, when asked about the troubles of his Magnolia co-star Tom Cruise, Macy offered one redeeming quality - he's "not late."
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LiLo Throws Her Weight Around
Dear Miss Lohan,
We have reviewed your application and the many paparazzi shots you have submitted for our perusal. Unfortunately, we are sorry to inform you that you will not be accepted as a Suicide Girl at this time. Please continue flaunting your wares at every possible opportunity and we will contact you as soon as there is an opening.
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Tattoos by Firecrotch
Lindsay Lohan would like to tattoo you. Well, more accurately, Lohan would like to make a shitload of money by having someone else tattoo you. The latest rumor is the hard-partying actress wants to open an exclusive line of boutique-like tattoo parlors, catering to the rich and famous.
According to a source quoted in the Sun, Lindsay is setting up her own tattoo place which will be like a trendy, glass-fronted fashion store. She will work on her own designs and will market it to young society people.
Lohan--whose own tattoo collection includes La Bella Vita on her ass, Breathe in white ink on her wrist, a small heart on her hand, and the ever-important shitty singer/actress must: a small star on her wrist--aspires to make her tattoo business into some sort of Martha Stewart-esque lifestyle brand.
Lindsay wants to create a complete brand which will move into clothes and merchandising. Shes looking for business partners and tattooists to come in on it with her.
What do you think Lindsays tattoo parlor will offer that others dont? Probably nothing, except higher prices.
Shannen Doherty Rips on Lindsay and Paris
Veteran bad girl Shannen Doherty is no fan of newbie hellraisers Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton. Once a tabloid fixture, Doherty says she was a model of good behavior compared to Lohan's recent actions.
"I wasn't partying every night. I showed up late for work once and I got fired. I didn't get a scathing letter from an executive - I got canned."
Another target of Dohertys thinly veiled wrath is Hilton, whose co-star in the infamous video One Night in Paris was Doherty's ex-husband Rick Solomon.
"The stuff that I did at 18, now, compared with what the girls do now - was nothing. I mean, I never did a porno... I never did drugs, I never partied, I wasn't that girl."
And because it's not a real fight until you slam someone's mother, Doherty also takes Dina Lohan to task for letting Lindsay run rampant with her partying ways. Doherty says her own mother's discipline kept her on the straight and narrow, not counting those convictions for criminal damage and drunk driving.
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Lindsays Carousing Gets Her Spanked - By Her Boss
Lindsay Lohan's hard-partying ways may earn her a big, fat lawsuit from the production company behind her new movie Georgia Rule.
The CEO of Morgan Creek, James G. Robinson, wrote a blistering letter that threatened to sue Lohan for unprofessional conduct, calling her a "spoiled child."
Some choice bits:
You and your representatives have told us that your various late arrivals and absences from the set have been the result of illness; today we were told it was "heat exhaustion." We are well aware that your ongoing all night heavy partying is the real reason for your so called "exhaustion." We refuse to accept bogus excuses for your behavior.
Lohan was briefly hospitalized Wednesday for heat and dehydration, which her publicist blamed on L.A.'s high temperatures. The whole thing seemed suspicious, following as it did Lohan's night out at an L.A. club. But it wasn't really a lie - booze does dehydrate.
Robinson clearly isn't feeling sympathetic to Lohan's delicate condition.
To date, your actions on Georgia Rule have been discourteous, irresponsible and unprofessional. You have acted like a spoiled child and in so doing have alienated many of your co-workers and endangered the quality of this picture. Moreover, your actions have resulted in hundreds of thousands of dollars in damage. We will not tolerate these actions any further.
The letter finishes with a nice threat promising Lohan the mother of all hangovers for any future club-induced delays.
Lindsay and boyfriend Harry Morton out that fateful night
LiLo Shills Zit Cream
We have to assume that Proactiv has started printing its own money, because it continues to bring in stars with astronomical asking prices. Jessica Simpson and P. Diddy among them, the Proactiv shills simply make up a past involving disgusting acne we somehow missed the first time around and convince us that this product (not facials or microdermabrasion) cured their unsightly skin condition.
Take, for example, the latest feather in the proverbial Proactiv cap: Miss Lindsay Lohan herself. After all, who can forget all those blackheads in Freaky Friday or the oily whiteheads all over Mean Girls? Yeah, apparently LiLo was a big greasy mess...Or so she'd have us believe as she rolls around in her acne cash.
Girlfight! Diddy, Lohan, and Hilton Edition
Pissed off over some Greek dude, Lindsay Lohan accosted Paris Hilton in the restroom of the NYC restaurant Butter, only to return to her seat to find Diddy and his posse commandeered her table. So whats a broad to do in this situation? Start a second fight with dude whose posse likes to shoot some shit up.
She kidded with him, asking what he was doing at her table.
"He didn't realize she was joking," says a source, "and he then yelled at her and told her to get out."
Diddy "was really mean to her," says another source, who claims one of Puffy's bodyguards lifted up Lindsay, and the rapper himself got into a scuffle with a Lohan pal who defended her.
Bouncers eventually "moved Lindsay out of the booth," says a source. Outside, Lohan vented to Butter owners Scott Sartiano and Richie Akiva, allegedly demanding Diddy be ejected.
So who is a better customer? Lindsay Lohan, an under-aged girl who probably never pays for drinks, or Diddy, whose ostentatious spending and extravagant lifestyle extends to his massive posse? I imagine the restaurateur allowed Diddy to finish his Cristal.
Diddys reps refused to comment, but Hiltons rep said his client was just trying to apply makeup in the womens room when Lindsay paid a visit. He refused to confirm if applying makeup is code for snorting coke off a toilet seat.
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