Are You There, God? Its Me, Ernie. Ill See You in Court, Jerk
Many of you should be familiar with the classic American short story The Devil and Daniel Webster, where a satanic Mr. Scratch takes on famous lawyer Daniel Webster to court for the possession of a local New Hampshire farmers soul. Its a fun bit of word-play and Faustian Americana, but its just a story. After all, you cant really take the devil to court, can you?
Up until now the answer had been essentially no, per the famous federal district court opinion in Gerald Mayo v. Satan and his Staff, 54 FRD 282 (1971). There, a plaintiff filed a federal complaint against Satan for
[ ]violation of his civil rights in forma pauperis. He alleges that Satan has on numerous occasions caused plaintiff misery and unwarranted threats, against the will of plaintiff, that Satan has placed deliberate obstacles in his path and has caused plaintiff's downfall. Plaintiff alleges that by reason of these acts Satan has deprived him of his constitutional rights.
The court, after some cheeky references to the Daniel Webster story, declined jurisdiction over Beelzebub, essentially saying that he was impossible to serve papers on. Basically, its a bit of technical law geekery, but it has some precedential value for courts to use to kick out subsequent suits aimed at the Lord of the Underworld.
But will the same logic apply if someone sues The Big Man Upstairs? Well, my friends, were about to find out. Thats right, Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers is taking the Almighty to Court.
The lawsuit accuses God "of making and continuing to make terroristic threats of grave harm to innumerable persons, including constituents of Plaintiff who Plaintiff has the duty to represent." It says God has caused "fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, devastating droughts, genocidal wars, birth defects and the like."
The suit also says God has caused "calamitous catastrophes resulting in the wide-spread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earths inhabitants including innocent babes, infants, children, the aged and infirm without mercy or distinction."
Chambers also says God "has manifested neither compassion nor remorse, proclaiming that defendant will laugh" when calamity comes.
Chambers asks for the court to grant him a summary judgment. He said as an alternative, he wants the judge to set a date for a hearing as expeditiously as possible and enter a permanent injunction enjoining God from engaging in the types of deleterious actions and the making of terroristic threats described in the lawsuit.
Chambers, who is quite obviously a Democrat since he hates God, is not fucking around. Hes even made an argument to attempt to get around the jurisdictional issue that doomed the Mayo suit. In order to sue someone, you first have to show that the court you have filed the suit in has power over that person. Thats jurisdiction. One way that a court gains jurisdiction over a person is if that person has contacts (physical, financial, etc.) within that courts state. Here, Chambers hopes to get around Mayo by arguing:
[ ]that defendant, being omnipresent, is personally present in Douglas County.
Works for me, lets get the show on the road, right? I suppose its worthwhile to note that the suit was filed as a symbolic protest and that Chambers, an agnostic, has no personal problems with He Who is Called I Am. While there are conflicting reports as to what exactly Chambers is protesting (some say Chambers is working to ensure that the courthouse gates stay open to all litigants and some say Chambers is upset at the filing of another lawsuit he considers frivolous), were pretty sure hes not serious enough that hes going to start dodging lightening bolts. Chambers, who describes himself as left of San Francisco, is the most liberal member of the Nebraska State Senate and has a long history of forceful and pointed legal chicanery.
Because of Chambers, the Legislature routinely backs bills its members wouldnt otherwise have dreamed of supporting. He cajoled his colleagues into abolishing corporal punishment in schools, correcting the state pension system so that women would be treated equally with men, and backing a switch from at-large municipal elections to district-based voting so that nonwhites would have a chance to serve. Under his sway, Nebraska led the nation in the 1980s in divesting in companies that did business with apartheid-era South Africa. Every session he introduces a bill calling for an end to the death penalty. He once got the Legislature to approve it, but could not overcome the governors veto.
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Chambers is famous for an unsurpassed knowledge of legislative rules, which he uses to derail bills that threaten those he calls the downtrodden. This attracts the criticism that he is the great obstructionist, better at halting legislation than creating laws. As one colleague observed, In Washington they call it a filibuster. In Lincoln, they call it Ernie. Once, Chambers filibustered on the state budget until his colleagues agreed to set aside half a million dollars for a minority scholarship fund. In the 2005 session, he blocked the legalization of concealed weapons, as well as a constitutional amendment protecting the right to hunt, which he said would trivialize and pollute the state constitution. In classic Ernie Chambers style, he introduced a raft of riders to the amendment that would protect such other rights as creating, recreating, conversating and procreating, hunting for the link between Noahs Ark, Joan of Arc and Archimedes, and sitting on the front porch on a warm summer evening, drinking a glass of cold lemonade, dreamily watching the silvery moon rise to begin its journey across a darkening velvet sky powdered with stardust.
The Noahs Ark line is genius. And, as soon as I can figure out what exactly this suit against Yahweh is protesting Ill be ready to file this baby in the genius pile as well. I mean, Jehovah may be all-knowing and all-powerful, but my guess is that Johnny Cochrane doesnt exactly live in His neighborhood. All the really good lawyers play for the other team, see. So itll be a slam dunk victory, right?
Not so fast. Hes gotten Hisself some reprazentation, yo.
Eric Perkins, an attorney in Corpus Christi, Texas, said Friday he filed a response to the lawsuit from Nebraska State Sen. Ernie Chambers. "It's kind of a turn on 'What would Jesus do?'" Perkins said. "I thought to myself, "what would God say?"
"Defendant denies that this or any court has jurisdiction ... over Him any more than the court has jurisdiction over the wind or rain, sunlight or darkness," according to Perkins' response.
As for Chambers' contention that God made terroristic threats, inspired fear and caused "widespread death, destruction and terrorization," Perkins wrote that God "contends that any harm or injury suffered is a direct and proximate result of mankind ignoring obvious warnings."
Your move, Ernie.
Subrosa would wish Senator Chambers good luck, but as a fellow agnostic he doesnt really want to betray his rooting interest here. Hes sure the Distinguished Gentleman from the Cornhusker State will understand.
