For those of you who are rolling your eyes and thinking, “Oh God, another Ron Paul article?!” -- before you ready your long-winded diatribes about the Constitution and the Federal Reserve, or your well-honed Photoshop mockeries of Dr. Paul -- I have a confession to make.

Ron Paul articles are such a guilty pleasure.

Every week, I spend literally minutes a day scanning the Internet for tidbits of news that I can then semi-wittily rephrase, or at least add the word “fuck” to, thus allowing that news to break free from its cocoon of objective journalistic integrity and become a biased, marginally retarded moth of a Newswire article, flapping its oversized left wing and making a few lazy circles around the site before burning out in a small blaze of comments about how, or perhaps what, I suck.

If I burdened myself with concerns like “quality” or “accuracy”, finding these tidbits would pose a challenge, but instead I find myself challenged by my sheer sloth. My weekly deadline looms ever closer each day, like some big scary looming thing, and as it approaches a little voice in the back of my head gets louder and louder:

“C’mon, just post something snarky about Ron Paul and call it a day. I mean, you could try and write something insightful about some important issue, but who’re we kidding here? Think of your comment count!”

Why is my path of least resistance strewn with Ron Paul 2008 flyers? Like most people, I blame the internet. I could mock another of the people who are at least technically running for President, but none of them seem to have an internet Potemkin Village filled with rabid supporters willing to give a crap. Pointing out what a big bag of freak Tom Tancredo is really doesn’t have the same zing, does it?

Plus, the wild world of Ron Paul is a bumper crop of wacky shit to write about.

For example, candidates like Mike Huckabee get the endorsement of learned political pundits like Chuck Norris and Ric “Nature Boy” Flair (thus making Huckabee not so much the second coming of Ronald Reagan as the second coming of Golan & Globus).

But Ron Paul just earned the endorsement of someone from a quite different entertainment industry. Dennis Hof, the owner of an infamous legal brothel in Nevada known as the “Bunny Ranch”, announced that he was supporting Ron Paul and planned to install donation boxes for Paul’s 2008 campaign at the Bunny Ranch.

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for the Ron Paul campaign made sure to inform the media that pimping ain’t easy, or something Ron Paul endorses. Except as an example of how awesome the concept of “states' rights” is:

That’s it, I’m so voting for Ron Paul! I so want the federal government to get off the backs of state governments! Hey, federal government, stop being all mean and un-Constitutional by preventing state governments from outlawing abortion, birth control, interracial marriage and consensual sodomy!

But what if you’re not a Ron Paul supporter, but still yearn for a candidate who can combine straight talk, a dedicated group of supporters, principled and/or completely unrealistic stances on a range of issues, a next to zero percent chance of winning the nomination and the naughty yet oh-so-morally ambiguous concept of exchanging money for sex?

Well, you’re in luck. Dennis Kucinich’s peace train recently made a detour through Smut Town when Larry Flynt hosted a fundraiser for the Kucinich campaign earlier this month. While Flynt has what can only be described as a colorful history of political activism, including offering a million-dollar reward for evidence of a Republican Congressman having an extra-martial affair during the run-up to Bill Clinton’s impeachment, this is the first time he’s actively endorsed a political candidate:

Apparently both Flynt and Kucinich made speeches at the fundraiser. Since the press was not invited, I can only guess what the subject of each speech was:

Dennis Kucinich: “We need to take all of our troops out of Iraq immediately, impeach both Dick Cheney and George Bush, establish universal health care and a Department Of Peace, make foreign trade agreements dependent on workers rights, and legalize same-sex marriage.”

Larry Flynt: “Damn, how fucking hot is Elizabeth Kucinich?”

Well, I’m off to buy the new Barely Legal DVD, since it now counts as a political statement.

Remember Senator David Vitter? A few weeks ago we learned that he used to spend time banging hookers. The Louisiana Senator apologized for “a very serious sin in his past.” What he meant was that he was having sex with a prostitute and, according to phone records, was even calling the DC Madam while he was on the House floor making votes.

Of course, his fellow Republican lawmakers let it slide. No slap on the wrist for Vitter. And why should they? He apologized to them and to God. Also, the statue of limitations had passed, so he was free and clear. How does one respond to a religious man who spent his years trying to legislate morality and then gets caught screwing hookers? His fellow Republicans gave him a standing ovation upon his return to the Senate. That is some quality douchebaggery, there.

Now, lets take a look at Senator Larry Craig. Things did not go so well for him when he was arrested in a bizarre gay bathroom sting operation at the Minneapolis airport. As soon as his Republican colleagues learned of his illegal gay activity, they demanded he resign.

Craig has since claimed he is not gay and has filed papers to withdraw his guilty plea and fight the charges. He will most probably win the case because all he did was tap his foot near a cop’s foot. It will be a tough crime to prosecute. But his fellow Republicans don’t care whether or not he is going to withdraw his plea and fight the charges. They want the gay dude gone.

So, here’s the crime scorecard. Vitter admits to having sex with hookers and there is even evidence that he called for whores while he was voting on the House floor. Standing ovation. Larry Craig pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor because he was scared that the media would discover his arrest. He then said he would fight the charges. He is forced to resign. One man was having straight sex, while the other was looking for gay sex. Both are crimes, but one got lucky with the statute of limitations. Not hard to figure out what the problem was with Craig.

But the heat is about to be turned up on David Vitter. Another prostitute claimed she had a four-month “sexual relationship” with the Senator. Because her claims could not be verified, the charges went away. But now it looks like they are coming back.

Larry Flint paid for the hooker to take a lie detector test, which she passed. Today he will hold a news conference with the prostitute to reveal the results. They will then challenge Senator Vitter to take his own polygraph.

Please don’t impugn the credibility of the whore. That is not cool.

And it gets better. Flynt is paying Ellis to detail all her fuck sessions with Vitter. They will be published next spring in Hustler. The magazine made sure Ellis passed the lie detector test before they offered her the deal.

Sadly, Vitter was not a freak.

Boo. Why couldn’t he just shit on her chest once? It would have made this a lot more fun. Either way, as much as the Republicans and Vitter want this to go away, it’s not. And the same can be said for Larry Craig, as he gears up to fight the charges. Keep it in the news as long as you can, boys. And don't forget, one is good and the other is bad.

Larry Flynt loves making them sweat and bringing them down, and I don't mean the ladies and their panties—I mean America's politicians. Perhaps you'll remember Flynt's October, 1998 Washington Post advertisement offering $1 million to anyone who could prove having had "an adulterous sexual encounter with a current member of the United States Congress or a high-ranking government official." This, of course, was all inspired by the impeachment proceedings against President Clinton, with whom Flynt sympathized, and led to the resignation of incoming House speaker Bob Livingston.

Well, Flynt is hustling for some more DC dirty laundry. This past Sunday, he offered—yep, you guessed it—$1 million to anyone who could provide proof of an illicit sexual encounter with a high-ranking government official.

Sounds like easy money, to me.