I know. It’s shocking. But, I keep hearing it. The guy can still lose this thing, even though when you look at the electoral map, he is kicking the shit out of Old School. Even though he is gaining in Bush red states like Ohio, Florida, Colorado and Nevada. Even though he has an insurmountable lead in the McCain must win state of Pennsylvania. He can still lose.

Here are reasons you should be scared.

THE BRADLEY EFFECT

Oh my God. So fucking scary.

The Bradley Effect is named after Los Angeles Mayor Tom Bradley. It is the reason Bradley lost two elections. Apparently, people will tell pollsters they are undecided or voting for the black guy, but when they get into the voting booth they vote for the white guy. It’s a disturbing thing to think about. And you should be very, very afraid, according to the general election pollster for the guy who defeated Tom Bradley.

Scary stuff. There's always a dark, shadowy situation when dealing with black people.

So, definitely watch out for that. Honestly, I don’t know how Obama overcomes something as mythical as Bigfoot.

OCTO...er..NOVEMBER SURPRISE

Oh noes! It will just take one crazy surprise and this fucker is over. For instance, terrorists could blow something up, like a truck or a shovel. Then everybody will switch over to the guy who has seemed erratic and unstable during EVERY SINGLE CRISIS since the election race began. Look, when terrorists strike, people always say to themselves, “I want a very old guy who is nuts and angry, with a unknowledgeable lady idiot backing him up, to handle this shit.” It’s just how things go. So, when terrorists blow up a hat, you can turn out the lights for Obama.

VOTER FRAUD

So many close states ripe for Republican thievery. They’re going to steal it in every one! Obama has to be up by at least 6 points to win!

Look, it’s really, really easy to steal an election by stealing it in 14 or so states. That’s why the Republicans focused their stealing energy on one state in 2000 (Florida) and one state in 2004 (Ohio). Thievery works best when you do it on a massive and blatant scale.

CLOSE, CLOSE RACES

This is terrifying! We’ve been here before, haven’t we? Obama is barely ahead in sooo many states.

- Virginia: Obama up 51 percent to 47 percent.
- Colorado: Obama up 50 percent to 46 percent.
- Missouri: McCain up 48 percent to 47 percent.
- Ohio: Obama up 49 percent to 45 percent.
- North Carolina: McCain up 49 percent to 48 percent.
- Florida: Obama up 51 percent to 47 percent.
- New Hampshire: Obama up 50 percent to 46 percent.

I almost just shit myself writing that. Obviously if it’s close, McCain will win every one of those states – which is what he has to do to win. And Bush won most of those states, so even though Obama is surging in them, McCain will win then. Obama is doomed!

COMPLACENCY

AHHHHHHHH! Why aren’t people going to fucking vote! After 8 years of the most dreadful president in the history of the US, facing an economic disaster, a housing crisis, a costly failure of a war, the first black Democratic nominee and a massive increase in Democratic registrations and people are going to be complacent because they think Obama has it in the bag. What the fuck?

Fucking complacency. Obama is fucked.

Oh, and there are more reasons. Obama will probably say something stupid these last four days. Like, “Where the white women at?” Or Jesus will return, point at McCain and say, “Now that guy is the shit!” Or, Biden could take a kitten up on stage and rips its head off with his bare hands, drink the blood and then fornicate with the torso. Or Sarah Palin could….uh….uh…wait. Maybe this is over.

Maybe this late in the race everyone should step back and take a look at the big picture. A black man, with a Muslim sounding name, who has only been in the Senate for two years, who is a Democrat, who believes in many liberal policies, who was opposed to the Iraq War from the beginning and who did cocaine in his younger years, is ahead in all the polls. That doesn’t happen to a guy who is going to lose. It shows the quality he brings.

Two years ago, if you had told me a guy with all that baggage would be ahead at time I would have laughed at you. People have chosen. A massive victory will occur on Tuesday. Massive.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters. Come see him at the San Jose Improv this Saturday and Sunday.

One in ten people in America are silently screaming right now. They’re surrounded by election fever but cannot vote for our next president. They care about our country –– passionately enough to leave their own behind –– but are frozen out of the electoral process.

Aliensvote.net is giving this massive minority a voice. It’s a site where the estimated 29.1 million aliens residing in America can cast a vote. Their votes won’t count in the election, but at least their wishes can be heard. After all, they pay taxes, have homes, businesses, children, and futures here, and contribute to our society in a myriad of ways.

The site’s not been live long, and will remain up until Election Day, but so far, of those who have shared their opinions, 97% are between the ages of 21 and 40, 54% have been in the country between 4 and 11 years, 27% have children here and 31% own homes.

The choices Americans make in November will be felt around the globe, so another site, IfTheWorldCouldVote.com, is giving the rest of the world a chance to select their presidential choice. Of the 167,617 people from 187 countries that have voted so far, 87.3% picked Obama.

Seems like the choice for next president is a no-brainer for the rest of the world –– what puzzles most of the planet is why the poll numbers are so close here at home. Answers on a postcard please, or in the comments section below.

Ahead of tomorrow evening's vice presidential debate, some kind soul has just posted footage on YouTube of lamb-to-the-slaughter Sarah Palin doing the thing she does best: playing the flute.

Before you get too excited, she really is just playing the flute, and badly at that, but she still seems more competent at blowing hot air across the opening of a long hard instrument than anything else we've recently seen her do.

Looking forward to your comments below. Please, don't hold back.

Fine election season apparel for the kids.












Thanks to Phil Gough of Common Sense for the inspiration.

I have to say it is pure joy to watch Sarah Palin’s political career peak and turn to dust in a matter of weeks. It’s actually hard to believe just 27 days ago Sarah Palin stepped on stage at the Republican National Convention and tickled the GOP’s balls. Holy shit, were they excited. It was almost like Jesus had come back in hot housewife form. And to be honest, they should have been excited because they finally had someone on their ticket who was alive.

But those days are over. Sarah Palin was awesome when nobody knew anything about her, but now she is a horrifying prospect. The blame obviously lays at John McCain’s feet for not vetting her and allowing the Christian Right to force a pathetic VP on him. The lack of vetting led to a couple of amazing weeks of information.

First we learned she kills moose. That is, of course, awesome and would be really important if we were some sort of Donner Party stuck in the Alaskan wilderness. Unfortunately, we are a country and killing moose is tragically unimportant. We then learned many other things about Sarah.

She lied about saying “no, but no thanks” to Congress about the “Bridge to Nowhere.” She left the tiny city of Wasilla with an insanely large $22 million debt. She was raised in a gay hating, tongue speaking, witch-stopping church. She tried to ban books. She abused her power by firing town employees without reason. She attempted to have her ex-brother-in-law fired from his law enforcement position and then fired the guy who wouldn’t fire him. She is against abortion in cases of rape and incest. She was mayor when the police chief began charging rape victims for their rape kits. She lied about visiting Ireland. She did not own a passport until 2006. She did not leave the country until 2007. She thinks being near Russia makes her important. It's like an idiot buffet.

Then came the interviews. First Charlie Gibson.



It is generally believed reporters should not have to explain basic facts to vice presidential candidates. She came across as someone who did not know what she was talking about. Mostly because she did not know what she was talking about.

The next interview was with Katie Couric.



She’s gonna bring ‘em to ya!



Russia's right next to her state –– a mere 58 miles across a body of water.



It’s got to be all about job creation!

And she’s not even drunk, like George Bush. That’s just how her brain works. Of course, conservatives began to freak out once they really got a good look at how her brain works. David Brooks wrote...

And now they are beginning to push for her to leave the ticket. The Conservative columnist Kathleen Parker didn’t hold back.

The National Review’s Kathryn Jean Lopez doesn’t think it’s such a bad idea.

But it’s not going to happen. McCain has completely blown it. The election will be over Thursday night at 7:30 PST. At this point, both Biden and the moderator will try to catch Palin with a subject she doesn’t know about. Based on what we are seeing, it won’t be hard. The only way to get out of this mess is to replace Palin before Thursday, but that would also destroy McCain’s campaign, for three reasons.

* Destroys base morale.
* No obvious alternative.
* McCain has overplayed the “game-changer” card.

Welcome to the no-win Palin meltdown. Palin was like a Trojan horse with a thermo-nuclear device inside. McCain could have had a slim shot at the White House without her, but with her, he’s fucking toast.

And I'd like to personally thank Republicans for not choosing Romney, because if he had, Democrats would lose this election. With the current economic crisis, Romney would be talking circles around Obama.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

This week was an epic week for Asshole Fuckfacery. So much so that I actually became enraged when I wrote this. Seriously. What horrible, horrible people. The last one is particularly horrible. So, put on your favorite OshKosh B'Gosh overalls and get ready for the filth. This is going to be ugly.

First up, some Oregon Asshole Fuckfacery.

It seems a week doesn’t go by where I don’t point out some Oregon racism. Wait. What? Yes, some Asshole Fuckface racist in Oregon made himself known by hanging an effigy of Barack Obama on George Fox University.

Naturally, the Christians were quite upset.

Um. Have you talked to any of your fellow Christians lately? The ones in the south have a big hard on for torture.

Oh, Jesus. Have you not noticed Obama is black? It’s not political. They just picked the country’s #1 black guy. How naïve are you guys up there?

Hey, there’s a surprise. Keep on supporting those Christian values of war, torture, less civil rights, global warming, lying and cronyism.

Next up, PETA. Need I say more?

Holy shit, the people involved in PETA take Asshole Fuckfacery to a new level. Do you like ice cream? Would you like all ice cream to be made from ladies breast milk? PETA would.

PETA, I’d like to introduce you to logistics. I’d also like to introduce you to creepy, although, I think you guys have already met.

Yeah. Now close your eyes and picture a herd of women in a barn being milked by a farmer.

Wow, you guys are douchebags. And you should start making ice cream out of babies.

Next up, some amazing right wing Asshole Fuckfacery.

Who to blame for the current economic crisis? The rich oligarchs who recklessly fed off the poor in a shockingly shortsighted and heinous manner? Or brown people? If you’re an Asshole Fuckface, you gotta go with brown people.

The National Review’s Asshole Fuckface extraordinaire, Mark Krikorian, wrote a delightful piece called “Cause and Effect.” In it, he lay the blame where it belongs: With Hispanics.

That’s the “Cause” part. The “Effect” part? Well, obviously if you hire Mexicans and other Mexican like people, your entire bank will fail. Duh. That’s why there are no banks south of the US border. It’s just guys with wads of cash on street corners.

But why stop with blaming Hispanics when there are tons of black people running around?

We really need to stop pretending like Negroes are capable of owning stuff, right, Neil? That your point, you horrible Asshole Fuckface? Minorities are to blame for the bank’s reckless loaning decisions?

Finally, the epic Asshole Fuckfacery of John McCain.

John McCain is an amazing idiot. His actions this week define reckless and he has shown he should not be allowed anywhere near the white house – even as a gardener. To sum up what happened:

The Senate Democrats, Senate Republicans, House Democrats, and Treasury Secretary Paulson spent all week negotiating over a bill to solve the current crisis. On Thursday morning, Senate Democrats and Senate Republicans announced that they had agreed on key points. Then McCain decided he wanted in. He asked President Bush to call a meeting with Obama. Obama did not see the need for it, but attended anyway. The meeting accomplished nothing. Oh, wait, that’s wrong. The meeting destroyed 7 days of careful negotiation. He had no plan. He did not come with better ideas. He just wanted to stop what was happening, so he would appear relevant.

The White House meeting was a complete and total disaster.

McCain did not ask questions during the meeting, he did not do anything, but mumble some bullshit at the end.

And when he finally did…gobbly goo.

The Senator is so disliked by his fellow Senators that he had to join with a group of House Republican fanatics. And make no mistake about it, John McCain has hitched his wagon to complete and total lunatics.

They want less regulation and tax cuts. You know, like curing an alcoholic by giving him a case of Glenlivit. They are insane ideologues who threaten our way of life because of their own self interest.

You know the parents you read about every once in a while, who wouldn’t let their child see a doctor because they believe in prayer – and the child died? That’s what we are talking about when we discuss the people McCain has attached himself to during this financial crisis.

No, actually, I don't.

McCain just jumped to the #1 Asshole Fuckface of all time.

Did you know that a significant portion of our energy consumption is wasted by people leaving their chargers plugged into an outlet when they are not in use? Unplug that shit when you're not using it, you Asshole Fuckface.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

John McCain is too old to be president. It’s pretty simple. The office ages you dramatically. Just take a look at before and after pictures of Bush and Clinton. They appear to have been brutalized by time. It is not an easy job. It is about as demanding as any job gets and the daily responsibility would age anyone. Problem is, John McCain is already old. And please don’t bring up your ageism bullshit. He’s old, regardless of his actual age, the man is already showing signs of wear that make him too run down for the job.

This may come as a surprise to you, but age can actually wear down a person’s cognitive ability. Sure, it depends on the specific individual, but from what I have seen, McCain is a shadow of the man he was in 2000. The quick wit is gone, replaced by increasing episodes of confusion. Too often he can’t answer questions because his ability to is gone. He constantly stumbles and makes horrible errors. Consider a recent statement: “The fundamentals of the economy are strong.” Years ago, McCain would never has said something so simplistically stupid on the day the economy was turning to shit. But if, on the off chance he had, he would have quickly recovered. Now, he doesn’t even know he’s said something idiotic until his staff tells him. That’s just sad.

His supporters say his mother is alive and well. Oh, well his dad died at 70, so what’s your point? Does anyone actually think it’s a good idea to have a president who does not want to work on weekends?

Well, that bodes well for a McCain presidency. I mean, Bush vacationed more than any president in history and look how that worked out.

Oh, that’s even better. The people around him see the effect of working long hours and want him to take it easy. Why? Because he’s old and it’s showing. On the campaign trail the last thing they want the American public to see is the advancing age of McCain. For them, it is better to have McCain seen less and receive less press, than to totally blow it. Just what we need in a president.

If McCain wins, he will be the oldest elected president. He will be the age of Reagan in his second term. Is that a good comparison? The old, Alzheimer’s riddled guy? He is older than FM radio, the Golden Gate Bridge, plutonium, Indonesia, Pakistan, and McDonald’s. He could be a sharp and capable 72-year-old, but he appears not to be.



Age affects everyone differently. Some people are still doing well mentally at 72; McCain does not appear to be one of those people. And the media is just allowing his gaffes and slips to breeze by. His age is, and should be a major point of discussion. But the fear of “ageism” runs rampant. It seems to be on the level of sexism or racism, when it is nothing of the sort. People deteriorate, as they get older. They do not because they are black or a woman. It is a legitimate question to ask – and more so because McCain’s health record. Having secret cancer operations is not a great way to show your spryness. Only allowing reporters 3 hours to look at your thousands of pages of medical records is not either.

McCain is losing his mental sharpness. It’s obvious to anyone who watched him over the years. He should be preparing for retirement, not running for president. He seems to be running because of the past, trying to right a wrong that occurred in 2000. Honestly, it just seems weird that a man who doesn’t want to work that much wants to be president.

I’ve known a few old people in my time. Many start to lose their sharpness, their quick wit and they put on their cranky pants more often. The difference between early Reagan and 1985 Reagan was startling and the same is true of McCain. I’m not saying McCain has Alzheimer’s, just that time has caught up with him and he’s not the man for the job.

Because our media is too scared to bring up what should be one of the most important factors in this election. There are age limits on being an airline pilot and a police officer for a reason. If someone is 72-years-old, they should have to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that they are capable of doing the job. McCain is proving he is not on a daily basis.

But the media doesn’t touch the subject. Why? “Ageism.” Everyone is apparently too scared to upset old people or a specific old person named John McCain, which is insane, because it’s the FUCKING PRESIDENCY. It should and must be discussed. “Upsetting people” is not applicable when an old man is running for president. You don’t get the benefit of the doubt when you are running to be the leader of the most powerful military on Earth. No fucking way. It’s astoundingly stupid not to question his mental abilities.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

John McCain has always been completely full of shit, but over the past decade, many people jumped on the “Straight Talk Express.” He appeared to be a refreshing change from all the other politicians who constantly lied. The big problem with this scenario is that McCain has always been a slimy politician and has never actually changed his ways, only the marketing of his brand. He was forced to do so because in the late 80s, his influence peddling led to American taxpayers bailing out Lincoln Savings and Loan for $2 billion. Sound familiar?

John McCain is exactly what is not needed at this time in our history. As our government attempts to throw $700 billion at more failed private businesses, everyone should understand what McCain did during the Savings and Loan Crisis. To put it simply, Johnny pressured regulators to back off Lincoln Savings, even though it was making risky moves. Eventually, Lincoln was seized, many investors were out their life savings and taxpayers were footing the bill of $2 billion. Lincoln’s owner, Charles Keating was arrested.

Lincoln was the most expensive failure in the national S&L scandal. Taxpayers picked up the bill for the bailout.

Johnny and Keating went way back. They met in 1981 at a Navy League dinner. During McCain’s first run for Congress, Keating pulled in a sweet $11K for Johnny. In 1983, he hosted a $1000 plate dinner for McCain, and in 1986, he brought in a nice $50K for Johnny’s Senate run. By the time 1987 rolled around, Keating had tossed $112,000 to McCain.

And those were just the political contributions. McCain’s family also was doing business and traveling on the Keating credit card.

And it paid off.

McCain and four other Senators, who became known as the Keating Five, even went to meet with San Francisco regulators in an attempt to get them to back off American Continental and Lincoln. In the end, to the great frustration of regulators, the savings was not seized for another two years. During that time, much damage was done.

Of course, these are the pre-maverick years we are talking about. Since then, McCain has changed his ways and become a straight shooter. Or, to put it another way, he re-branded himself as a man who learned from his mistakes and would therefore always approach his duties differently. People bought it, even though it was complete bullshit. The bullshit re-branding was the only way for McCain to survive as a politician. He was the sober alcoholic, the clean drug addict, the asshole who found Jesus. And it worked.

But McCain has never stopped being the slimy politician that he is. Here’s a pick of Johnny meeting with con man Raffaello Follieri, on a yacht in Montenegro two years ago. It was Johnny’s birthday! What better way to spend it than on a boat with a criminal?!

Sweet. That’s some serious straight shooting and mavericking. Oh, and Follieri pleaded guilty to conspiracy to commit wire fraud, eight counts of wire fraud and five counts of money laundering last week.

Alright, you’re saying, that’s just McCain and a foreign con man. Could have happened to anyone, right? Yep. Just the same way campaign manager Rick Davis happened to head up a Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac lobbyist group called Homeownership Alliance.

So, Johnny’s campaign manager WAS the problem. But he’d love you to believe something else.

Right. Standing up to special interests is what McCain is all about. That’s why he was one of the Keating Five and has Davis as his campaign manager. That’s why his campaign is overflowing with lobbyists, 83 to be exact. Naturally, some have connections to Fannie and Freddie Mae.

So, as you can see, McCain is getting far away from those same special interests that lead him down that Keating Five road. But that’s not even the worst of McCain’s connections. No, the worst is Phill Gramm.

Phil Gramm used to be a Senator. In the year 2000, he used a “backroom maneuver to slip into law” a bill that kept credit default swaps unregulated.

Guess how that bill worked out? Yes, he’s one of the main architects of the current financial disaster. Oh, and it also allowed Enron to “run rampant.” Remember Enron? Yeah, that would be Gramm.

He’s a walking disaster of a human being.

But that doesn’t stop the Maverick from looking to Gramm for advice.

After Phil Gramm called Americans “whiners” a couple of months ago during a speech on the economy, he was forced to step down from the McCain campaign. But that does not mean McCain has ruled him out as treasury secretary. Check out McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds on Friday.



Good news. Right now there is one man in America who should not be treasury secretary: Phil Gramm. But McCain can’t rule him out. If you are a conservative and you vote for McCain, turn in your conservative card. You are living a lie.

If McCain is elected president we are completely fucked.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Did you think the presidential campaign had gotten ugly? Well, you were wrong. Forget McCain’s lie laced ads claiming Obama wants to teach kindergartners how to screw and accusing Obama of calling Sarah Palin a pig, the Swiftboaters are preparing their airwave assault and it will be beyond ugly.

We got a hint of the future during the Republican National Convention, when GOP hatchet man Roger Stone explained to TPM what he was going to do.



Roger Stone was one of the men responsible for the famous Willie Horton ad during the 1992 presidential campaign. And when he attacks, he attacks with everything.

So, that will be exciting. And he’s not alone. The Swiftboaters are back, this time with a brand new name, The American Issues Project. They’ve gathered a few million dollars and are now finishing up their ads. Very soon they will begin hitting the airwaves.

Here’s an example of their “issues and express advocacy.”



Man, if that isn't an important issue, I don't know what is. Especially for those Americans who are incredibly stupid.

Unfortunately for Democrats, they don’t have anyone ready to respond, because Obama foolishly asked the left’s 527 groups to step down after he won the nomination. He also told funders not to give money to groups like VoteVets, Planned Parenthood and MoveOn.org. But just a week ago, Obama realized what a tremendous mistake he had made and asked the 527s to get going again. With only 6 weeks to go, that is just stupid.

But some Democratic groups claim they are ready, like MoveOn.org.

I’ll believe it when I see it. So far, the Democratic groups are flailing.

A tidal wave of stupidity and hate is coming Obama’s way and the left does not seem to be prepared. The Obama campaign did fight the first American Issues Project with a coordinated campaign, putting pressure on station owners not to air the ad and fighting the group in court. But how long with that work? Small television stations make much of their money during political campaigns. That’s just too much money to pass on.

And we are within 60 days of the election, which is apparently the best time for evil.

The forces of darkness been gearing up for the last 60 campaign days for months now, with the help of some classic douchebags.

Has Obama ever dated a white woman? You’re about to find out.

It's going to be interesting to see how this plays out. The YouTube video that Open Left posted on their site (see above) has already been taken down once today.

It seems John McCain may have used his connections to cover up his wife Cindy's prescription drug abuse (something she later admitted to). Open Left's source, Tom Gosinski, worked with Cindy at her charity, American Voluntary Medical Team. He claims that while she was funneling drugs to those in need, Cindy was also securing her own fix, by getting prescriptions written in other people's names, including Gosinski's.

But that's not the end of the story –– it's just the beginning. Open Left reports that:

A recent brush with cancer gave Gosinski the courage to start talking. Aside from the Open Left video, Gosinski's tale has also found its way into the Phoenix New Times, which printed excerpts from his diary.

Haven't we had enough of commander-in-chiefs who think they're above the law? But then, like those who watch bad sitcoms on TV, some people just want more of the same. I guess those are the people that are voting for McCain.

The Republicans nearly had a circle jerk last week over the fact that McCain was a POW. They managed to avoid topics like heath care, the economy, Iraq and the environment, but really drove home the fact that the Vietcong held McCain prisoner some 40 years ago. Here’s the problem with that little gem of a fact: It has quite possibly turned McCain into a man unfit to lead.

Ever heard of PTSD? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal.

In McCain’s case, he has survived three plane crashes and more than five years as a POW, enduring torture and solitary confinement. During the North Vietnam incident, he was ejected from his plane, broke his right knee, both arms, was attacked by a crowd of villagers, bayoneted in the ankle and groin, and held in solitary confinement for two consecutive years. During captivity he had his arm, teeth and ribs broken. He was left lying in a pool of his own blood, shit and urine, and attempted to kill himself twice, but was stopped both times by guards. While it’s amazing he survived, this these incidents appear to have made him mentally unstable.

We have no idea if McCain has PTSD, mainly because the diagnoses was not introduced until 1980, when it appeared in the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Reporters were allowed to look at McCain’s full medical records in 1999, which revealed he did undergo psychological tests over the years.

Okay, so military doctors say he’s okey-dokey. Forgive me for not believing what the military says, it’s just that the military has a long history of lying and doing everything they can not to undermine their “heroes.” They also have a history of under diagnosing PTSD, because it's very costly to treat. McCain’s behavior certainly can lead to a conclusion – or at the very least, a concern regarding his ability to hold the highest office in our country. McCain has uncontrollable explosions of anger. He still has an “adverse reaction” to the sound of jangling keys.

The above physician comment was gathered from McCain’s release of medical records in 1999. Things went a little differently this summer during his ‘medical records release.’

Totally not hiding anything. There were 1,173 pages of documents. Over a three-hour period, that’s approximately 10 seconds per page, for “select members of the media.” The New York Times and Los Angeles Times didn’t make the cut. And the “medical records” did not include...

1) Psychological records.
2) Brain Scans OR CRT scans. (Used for diagnosing Alzheimer’s)
3) Cardio-logical test results.

Who would want any of that information on a 72-year-old running for president? Apparently not the media, because they dropped any further investigation. The older you are, the more your health records are relevant if you are seeking the presidency. But with McCain, his campaign has decided the opposite is true and the media has gone along with it.

So, what do we know about McCain’s mental health? Well, we know he takes Ambien for insomnia - a common symptom of PTSD. The possible side effects of Ambien are really great.

* Hallucinations, through all physical senses, of varying intensity
* Delusions
* Altered thought patterns
* Ataxia or poor motor coordination, difficulty maintaining balance
* Euphoria and/or dysphoria
* Decreased libido (sorry Cindy)
* Amnesia
* Impaired judgment and reasoning
* Uninhibited extroversion in social or interpersonal settings
* Increased impulsivity

Those all sound like they’d be perfect for our next president. We also know McCain is possibly the most angry man in Congress. Let’s start with what his fellow Republicans have to say:

By the way, in 1995, Thurmond was 92 years old. McCain was 59. Doesn't that paint a pretty picture? And there's more...

And those are his fellow Republicans. The Democrats, obviously, have their own stories.

So, is it PTSD? Or has this always been his way? His nickname in high school was McNasty, so it could be that he has always been a dick. Either way, it doesn’t matter. The man is clearly unfit to be president. He’s a complete and total lunatic. How do you think diplomacy will go? Do you think it will be weird when McCain gets into a fistfight with the Prime Minister of Britain? Yes, Republicans actually found someone worse than Bush.

Jingle those key chains, Democrats and see what happens.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

John McCain and his followers are stroking themselves daily because “he was right” about the surge. See, according to the right wing distorters, the surge worked. All is well. Victory is at hand. Because of John McCain, the insurgents are on the run and beaten down. It is, quite simply, a load of bullshit. Much like they changed their reasons for invading Iraq after the invasion, they have changed the reasons for the surge.

At this point, even Barack Obama is jumping on board and claiming the surge has been successful. He has to, because the situation is too complex for sound bites – and that’s how the Republicans win, with sound bites. Last week, Obama went on The O’Reilly Factor and went face to face with the loudest, simplest man in America. Unable to have a complex argument with a man full of overbearing nonsense, Obama had to break it down into terms a 3-year-old could understand.

Obama got a bit of the truth in there. The Anbar Awakening is a large factor in the drop in violence because we are paying them, our past enemies, $30 million a month to not attack US troops. It’s as simple as that. And it’s a policy without a future. It is the definition of a temporary and stupid policy. Pure politics, with the fate of thousands, possibly millions at risk.

Obama also mentioned that there have been no political advancements – which was the entire point of the surge. But that’s not what people wrote about, or focused on. Nope. Obama said the surge “succeeded.” Great news for simpletons. The guys who used to kill us are being paid not to kill us, but you’re supposed to believe the surge worked.

In fact, Iraq is now in a more perilous situation than ever, because no political solution has been reached. The Anbar Awakening has succeeded in stopping the killing – for now. What we actually have done is given the Sunnis millions of dollars, which they have spent on weapons in preparation for the coming battle. And now, the Iraqi government is going to start cracking down on The Awakening. How do you think that is going to go?

The Bush Administration has been pressuring the Maliki government to integrate the Sunnis into the Iraqi security forces, but Maliki will not. But it goes beyond that. They are just waiting to kill each other.

There are 100,000 members of the Awakening and the Saudis, who have a bit of money laying around, also financially back them. Good luck getting rid of that “cancer.” But don’t forget, the surge worked!

Here’s a question: Whom does the US support if this becomes a full-blown civil war? The Awakening, which it has cultivated, or the Iraqi government, which it has cultivated? We are supporting both sides. If we support Maliki, the Awakening will start killing our soldiers – who they have come to understand very well during this period of cooperation.

And let’s not forget about the Sadr militia. Remember several months ago, when Iraq suddenly started to boil again? Fighting was occurring in Baghdad and Basra? Well, that was Muqtada al-Sadr and after he agreed to a cease-fire, the surge suddenly worked again.

At this point, the Sadrists are reorganizing and preparing for the inevitable battle against both the Awakening and Maliki’s government. Oh, and the US.

Can it be worse? Oh, fuck yes. Now the Iraqi government is facing off with the Kurds.

Here’s the deal. The Kurds, the Sunnis and the Sadrists are more than willing to wait until the US leaves. Right now, it is in their best interest to wait it out. The opposite is true for Maliki. He needs US forces to do his dirty work and he expects us to get involved when the fighting starts. That’s why he is stirring up shit with every group in Iraq. He already failed in his battle with Sadr, so he is turning his attention to the Sunnis and the Kurds.

McCain would like you to believe the surge has been wildly successful, even though he also predicted it would fail.

What up, hedge better? McCain backed the surge but also claimed if the guy who was obviously going to be approved as Army Chief as Staff was approved, it would be a failure. But, hey, he predicted that the Maliki government wouldn’t be strong enough – and it hasn’t been. It’s been a dismal failure. Yet, McCain also has recently claimed the surge allowed Awakening to work. That is, quite simply, a lie. The Awakening began long before the surge began.

I guess the surge would have allowed for the Awakening to take root, if it weren’t for recorded history. But we have newspapers and stuff, so we can say for sure he is a lying sack of shit. Even General Pateaus agrees.

The Surge is a massive failure. Sure, it stopped the violence now, but no political progress was made – and that was the objective. No agreements between these opposing factions were made. They are only waiting it out, gathering weapons and getting training. Preparing for the big battle. The only question is whether or not we stick around and get stuck in a long, long civil war. And it looks more and more like we’ll be sticking around.

Get ready for a draft, kiddies.

Too bad Americans are so stupid or else Obama might be able to explain this, instead of having to agree that the surge has been successful.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

For a man who spent five years in a POW prison, McCain sure is a relentless pussy. He’s having a big boo hoo party over America’s questioning of his moronic VP pick, Sarah Palin. Apparently, if you pick on poor, little Sarah, you are being a sexist. Never mind that she is supremely unqualified to be president of the United States, any criticism is all about her having a vagina.

The mighty Republican Party, longtime defenders of women’s rights, are now hitting the airwaves claiming the only reason people are attacking Sarah Palin is because she is a woman. Please ignore the Troopergate scandal, the fact that she is married to a traitor and was at one time a traitor herself, lied about visiting Ireland, didn’t travel out of the country until two years ago, belongs to an insanely backwards church, thinks 11-year-olds who were raped by their father should be forced to give birth, used government money to fund a “cure gays” organization, tried to ban books, abused her power by firing people who opposed her views or divorced her sister, believes Iraq is a war being fought for God, and has a preacher who claimed voting for John Kerry would send you to hell. None of those things are relevant for baby time McCain. If you criticize Sarah Palin, it’s because she’s a woman with a pregnant daughter.

See, the pregnant daughter situation is off limits. You can tell that from this video of John McCain greeting the father and mother of the fetus in Minnesota.



That’s what one does when they want such a private situation to stay private; they bring reporters to take photos of the guy who shot his goo into the 17-year-old girl. Also, when one doesn’t want anyone to talk about the pregnancy situation, they come out to the media and break the story of their own daughter’s unwed pregnancy. Parading said couple around at the Republican National Convention? Totally cool. After all, it is a private situation. That’s why the soon-to-be husband of the 17-year-old daughter has been hastily flown in to be paraded around– because they need their privacy. Remember, if you bring this up, you are being sexist.

See, playing the “gender card” is totally cool, as opposed to when Obama supporters claimed McCain was playing the “race card” after he created ads that had obvious racial overtones. That was different. I guess because Obama has a penis and black skin, while Palin has a vagina and white skin. If anybody dared say that McCain’s ads were racist, he and his people screamed that Obama was playing the “race card.” It was soooo offensive. But now, when anyone dares to question Palin’s obvious lack of qualifications and bizarre beliefs, they are sexist. McCain is a weak, clownish pussy who can’t stand up and take any sort of heat.

But the most amusing part of this story is that Obama has gone out of his way to say “families are off limits.” Most Democrats are avoiding the topic of her pregnancy and trying to talk about the multitude of other problems with Palin. She’s a walking disaster, so it’s not difficult. But whenever someone brings up just one of the multitude of problems with Palin, the McCain camp screams like children that Democrats and the “liberal media” are attacking Palin’s “private life” because she is “a woman.” It’s laughable and quite sickening. The Republicans are using a 17-year-old girls horrible situation for their own political advantage. They are now driving the story of the girl’s pregnancy, using her as bait and creating a victim story of their own making.

The victim here is a young unwed couple who were outed by Republicans and are now being used in the biggest game on Earth. McCain and his people are complete and total scum.

And insane hypocrites. Right-wingers jumped out of their panties when Jamie Lynn Spears announced she was pregnant. That was a glaring example of our societies decay, but Bristol Palin’s pregnancy is a celebration of the pro-life cause and should not be discussed for any reason. Certainly not because her mother is using her as a pawn as she attempts to win the vice presidency.

John McCain is a coward. Real men stand up and defend the choices they have made; they don’t make excuses and use children in horrible situations as pawns to fulfill their ambitious desires. Real men also don’t play the gender card and make claims that certain topics should be off limits, when they are guilty of far worse behavior.

See, that’s sexism, McCain. Attacking a teenage girl for her looks. What a fucking coward. Oh, and real men don’t make jokes about women loving rape.



He’s a scumbag, pure and simple. And he’s weak. Weak for allowing the religious lunatics of his party to make his vice presidential choice for him.

Bending over for those he used to fight against.

But I guess that’s why he spent five years in a POW camp, suffering inhumanly for five years, so someday he could run for president and not stand by his convictions. Any real man who goes through a horrifying experience comes to understand that life is about not doing what you feel is right and allowing others to make your most important decisions. It's true. Torture apparently just makes one a groveling bitch for the religious right. At this point, I am more disgusted by McCain because he was a POW. What man doesn’t walk away from something like that with some personal conviction? What man doesn’t walk away from 5 years of torture and say, “I’m going to live my life the way I want.” A man like John McCain, I guess. Full of ambition and weak to the core.

There’s your teenage-girl attacking, rape joke making, using teenage girls as a pawn war hero. Feel the pride, Republicans.

I should also ad that I was not going to vote for McCain or Obama, but McCain's choice of Palin as VP has forced me to rethink that decision. I will now reluctantly cast my vote for Obama. She is that frightening of a human being. Palin is a religious lunatic of the highest caliber. I see no difference between the Taliban and Neanderthals like Palin.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper, and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Yes, I wrote that headline. Mostly because it’s true. In the most cynical Vice Presidential choice I have ever seen, McCain picked a woman, simply because she is a woman. In doing so, he overlooked many other conservative women who are far more qualified to be Vice President. McCain chose Sarah Palin because she’s attractive and she hates abortion. I honestly can’t think of another reason to select this walking disaster of a choice.

McCain is obviously going for the disgruntled Hillary voters. Picking Palin will possibly earn him precious few Hillary voters, while turning off millions of independents. Palin's inexperience is astounding, unless you count her awesome time in as city council member and mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. The town had a massive population of 7,738 people. She ran for governor in 2006 and won, mostly because Alaska is a backwards land full of idiots. Palin has been governor for less than two years – and now John McCain has selected her to be vice president of the United States. Considering McCain is so old he could die at any moment, this is a stunningly pathetic choice for vice president. Let’s just look at the past 36 hours.

It was discovered that Palin lied on Friday when she claimed to have opposed Alaska’s famous “bridge to nowhere.”

We also learned Palin was a member of an Alaskan secessionist group in the early '90s and apparently still thinks it’s a great idea to stay connected. Here she is addressing the Alaskan Independence Party's 2008 convention.



What does the Alaskan Independence Party want? The same things any crazy lunatic wants.

Oh, good. Worthwhile effort.

Also, Palin admitted yesterday that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant.

Yes, she will grow up faster than ever planned, especially because you just agreed to be John McCain’s running mate, putting your daughter and her pregnancy in the nation’s spotlight. You are a genuine and caring woman for putting your child in front of a bloodthirsty American media. Wonderful values you have there.

By all means, throw the kid to the sharks. That’s what a good Christian does. Ambition first, kids second. Oh, and this news probably won’t help the abstinence only cause.

And bestest of all, Sarah Palin just hired a lawyer because she is about to be deposed by a special investigator.

The special investigator’s report is due on October 31st. That makes some fantastic timing for the election. Genius move on McCain’s part. Even if it clears her, you can be sure someone will pull something out of the report that reflects poorly on Palin. That’s how it always goes.

More than anything, this is insulting to the women who supported Hillary Clinton. McCain actually believes women will vote for him, just because he picked someone with a vagina as his running mate, even though she has the opposite political views of Hillary on every issue.

How could a Hillary supporter not climb aboad that train?

Palin is also a religious fanatic who was selected by a "cabal" of other religious fanatics.

Yes, and she is just what Hillary supporters want in a female candidate.

FAIL.

McCain is treating women like they don't have brains and he will be punished because of it. He could have picked from a number of conservative women, who would have at least appeared to have earned the selection with their accomplishments. Women like, Kathryn Ann Bailey Hutchison, Susan Collins, Lisa Murkowski, Olympia Snowe, Christine Todd Whitman, M. Jodi Rell and Condoleezza Rice all would have made it appear as if McCain was not just looking for someone with a vagina. And nearly every one of those women are far less scandal-plagued. Up until this point I thought McCain would win the election, but I now think he will be crushed, which means I will owe Subrosa a six pack. That is very disappointing.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. You can read more of his nonsense and see a picture of Sarah Palin with her young child standing over a dead animal on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

I’m not exactly a fan of traditional beauty pageants, but the upside is they’re supposed to provide a steady legion of Stepford women who are supposed to enjoy travel and looking after animals and children. John McTainted’s newly announced vice-presidential running mate Sarah Palin is the exception to this rule. Palin won the Miss Wasilla title in 1984 and placed second in the Miss Alaska competition, but she’s no ordinary beauty queen.

There’s no doubt Palin loves kids (in a soap opera-worthy plot twist a recent DailyKos blog post even alleges she claimed her 16-year old daughter’s child as her own), but she perhaps takes it a little far; The pro-lifer even opposes abortion in the case of rape and incest.

Her personal experience beyond U.S. borders is also seriously lacking; The flat-earther (she supports teaching Creationism alongside evolution in schools) got her first passport in 2007, and has traveled to a grand total of three countries outside the United States (Germany, Ireland and Kuwait).

As for her attitude towards animals –– just ask a polar bear –– she’s their public enemy number one. In May of this year, Palin vowed to fight the Bush administration’s decision to place the great white beasts on the endangered species list since it interfered with her cronies lust for fresh Alaskan oil from beneath their soon-to-be-protected habitat. That makes Palin, who doesn’t believe that man is responsible for climate change, even less eco-friendly than George W. Bush –– quite an achievement.

If you need more reasons not to like Palin consider this: She’s a member of the NRA and enjoys hunting. She’s opposed to same sex marriage, and even fought to prevent domestic partners from receiving health benefits. She supports drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, strip mining, and a multitude of other activities that are guaranteed to fuck up our planet. (Doesn’t this chick know that good planets are hard to find?)

McDesperate’s heavy-handed pandering to Hillary’s disappointed legions of supporters is an insult to their intelligence and a fine example of his poor judgment under pressure. Talk about an own goal. But though McDoofus’s V.P. choice may ultimately retard his chances of election, Palin’s rather special brand of feminism may also set back the cause of women thanks to her newly elevated profile.



Polar bear image courtesy of WWF/Geoff York.

While the amazing, four-day Democratic commercial goes on, I thought this would be a good time to revisit a topic that has dropped off the grid since the spring. Remember health care? Seemed to be a big topic a few months ago, but not so much now. Now we’re clearly more concerned with who’s a bigger celebrity and how many houses Old School owns.

But 45 million Americans do not have health care and 25 million more are underinsured. McCain and Obama have very different ideas on reforming health care. I’m going to break their shit down and you’re going to read it. That’s how we do.

McCain’s plan is a piece of shit created in jackass land. It does NOTHING to address the problem of uninsured Americans. NOTHING. Did I make that point strong enough? I used capital letters. That is some serious shit.

Johnny’s plan is more of the same crap that already got us into this mess. It’s all about “market forces and individually purchased insurance.” Sweet. Up until now we haven't tried "market forces and individually purchased insurance." It's so fresh!

Old School’s plan mainly focuses on….taxes. What a big surprise.

Oooooo. That sounds fucking awesome. Unless, of course, you are like the millions of Americans who can’t get insurance due to your medical history, or one of the millions of Americans who have claims denied and are dropped because they had the gall to have surgery. But don’t worry about that, because McCain will solve the problems of spiraling costs with “deregulation.”

Oh, fuck yes. Please, more deregulation. It has worked out so very well in every other market over the past ten years, especially energy and housing. Old School’s plan would allow insurers to sell across state lines and people would be able to buy policies from companies in any state. Wow, that should not make even the slightest difference.

McCain also believes by making insurance more “visible,” people will seek out lower cost insurance plans. Johnny thinks if workers can see how much their employers are paying, they would go for the cheaper insurance.

Yeah, good luck with that. In the end, McCain’s plan doesn’t do shit for people who can’t afford insurance. Most uninsured people would remain uninsured and the fixed tax credit would lead to a gap in affordability as health care spending increases. And the number of Americans paying higher taxes for employer insurance would go up, too. McCain’s plan would force many people to purchase higher deductible, less comprehensive insurance. Oh, and if we got rid of the tax benefits of employer sponsored insurance, some businesses would stop insuring workers. How great does that sound?

But don’t fret, because McCain has proposed a “guaranteed access plan.”

Oh, good. The castaways. Only, McCain’s plan has no way to pay for this part. It’s quite simply, bullshit. His interstate insurance market plan would actually weaken some states regulated protections. Oh, and those “34 states” plans already have high costs and limited benefits.

McCain basically is offering very little. It’s more of the same, which is unacceptable considering the situation we currently find ourselves in. If McCain is elected, expect our health care situation to get a lot worse.

Now, Obama at least seems to be trying, though he is also a bit deluded. Barack wants to spend money. Lots and lots of money. His plan includes an employer mandate, insurance regulation and a combination of public and private insurance.

Under Obama, employers will have to offer employees insurance or pay a tax. Smaller business would not have to pay a tax.

Best of all, insurers would not be able to deny coverage or charge more for preexisting conditions. His new "insurance exchange" would provide a pooling system, which would increase the purchasing power of individuals. Obama believes by pooling people together, it will cut administrative expenses and increase competition. Good luck with that.

And the attempts to cut costs don’t end there. While McCain has proposed little to nothing to drop health care costs, Obama’s plan is much more thoughtful and nuanced.

A big criticism of Obama’s plan is that it does not mandate insurance for adults, just children. That means it would not cover all uninsured people, but Obama has stated he may move forward with mandates if his plan does not result in universal health care.

The big problem is the money. The cost control plans are not certain to work and he needs to come up with $50 to $65 billion. He says he will pay for it by ending tax cuts to families making over $250,000 a year, but that will not cover the whole enchilada. He expects to save a lot of money with his cost cutting measures explained above. If they don’t work, it’s going to cost more. And you can pretty much guarantee there will be problems. But we’re spending $15 billion a month in Iraq, so if you are okay with paying for the war but don’t want to pay for universal health insurance, then you are a major douchebag.

Obama’s plan is way better than McCain’s, but it’s got a lot of problems. The only guy who had a decent health care plan was Kucinich. Until you take the profit out of health care, nothing’s going to work. Ever. So, don't get too excited either way, because we are a long way off from something decent.

UPDATE: One of the architects of McCain's healthcare plan uttered this gem today...

FearTheReaper also is a blogging idiot. Read more of his tripe on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

You filthy mongrels may be surprised, but I believe Joe Biden was the best possible choice Barack Obama could have made. This is pretty simple reasoning, which is why it seems to be confusing so many Republicans. Besides Dick Cheney, who was given a spectacular amount of power by the testicle-less Bush, Vice Presidents really don’t do shit. Their most important function is to make the tie-breaking vote if the Senate is deadlocked. Other than that, not much. Sure, they go around the world, talking to people and have their own little agendas, but overall, pretty meaningless. They are just waiting for the big guy to die or for eight years to pass so they can run for president.

With that said, you may be wondering why I think Biden is an awesome choice. Well, here you go.



That's better than porn. The man’s tongue is a weapon to fear. Unleashing Biden on the campaign is like creating a non-stop, sound bite machine. He is concise, brutal and usually dead-on. You know how you always wish some politician would cut the shit and call somebody out on being a douchebag? Biden’s the guy who actually does that.



McCain is about to come face to face with an actual “straight talker,” which will contrast greatly with his time-worn mind, constant bullshit yammering and horrific speaking ability. Usually, candidates pick a knob who won’t upstage them in the talky department. Just take a look at Joe Lieberman, Al Gore and John Edwards. Yawn town. And totally ineffective on the campaign trail.

The amusing aspect of this choice is watching the Republicans get huge hard ons for all the “material” they have against Biden.

Wow, great call. Seriously, please do. Go at Fire Tongue with everything you’ve got and take the attention off Obama. Please divide the focus of your attacks and do it against the man who can wipe the shit-eating grin off your face with one comment. By the way Rush, you are a four-time divorced, millionaire drug addict who takes trips to Puerto Rico with bottles full of Viagra. Keep speaking for the common man, though. Maybe Paris Hilton can tell us what's up as well. Just thought I’d throw that in for no reason.

McCain is already running an ad in which Biden says he’d be honored to run against Grandpa McCain and compliments him. Genius. The tape is from 2004, setting up a Biden, “Well, he’s fallen off quite a bit in the past four years.” McCain is the candidate who has far to fall, as most people still don’t realize he is an old man, slowly losing his ability to think and constantly making embarrassing gaffs. Now, here comes an “old friend” who is going to make the case that McCain isn’t up to the job. And he’s going to make it well.

Only a fucking idiot would run an ad in which Fire Tongue praises McCain, because a severe verbal beat-down will follow. Severe. To have an ad with Biden praising McCain will create a false impression. People are now sitting around thinking, “Oh, Biden likes McCain.” They will then be surprised by the two months of verbal attacks McCain takes from his old buddy. It’s a dumb tactic. Now, using clips of Biden attacking Obama is smart, but you can be sure Biden can talk his way out of that.

So, what’s Biden’s voting record like? Who gives a shit. People vote for the top of the ticket. Sure, you can quote my “Fuck Joe Biden" article all you want. But that would make you one of the least understanding and dumbest motherfuckers on the planet, because those facts are all relevant for a man running for president. Guess what? Joe Biden is running for VICE PRESIDENT. See the difference? Guess who doesn’t set the agenda? He’ll have his own little projects, probably Amtrak, that he focuses on. Overall, he will have one function in the campaign -- to undermine John McCain. Who better than an old friend to do the job?

I’m sure Fire Tongue have an input on foreign policy too, because he is one of the most knowledgeable people in our country when it comes to foreign affairs. His deft ability to make complex foreign policy issues understandable will be devastating to watch during the vice presidential debate and whenever McCain opens his hate hole on the campaign trail. Oh, and he has a son going to Iraq. Someone on the ticket actually has a personal stake in the war. Imagine how that will go.

This is the best choice Obama could have made. By far.

You can read more of FearTheReaper's geniusing at his blog,
Stop All Monsters.

Well, here we are again. It’s been a long time since the last Asshole Fuckface Roundup. My minions tell me an entire week has passed, but it feels like years. Asshole Fuckfacery never slows, like time it marches forward in a constant assault on all that is good. I wish there was somene to oppose Asshole Fuckfacery, like a good guy, or a fairy. But there is no such thing. Those of us on the sidelines can only point out the Asshole Fuckfaces and mock them. That’s what my people have been doing since a couple hours before the dawn of time. (We got in early – it’s who you know) This week I have scoured the news, once again, to find the worst of the worst. The list is rather revolting, as usual, so put on your favorite box because this is going to be ugly.

We start with some Presidential candidate Asshole Fuckfacery.

John McCain appears to be a complete and total moron. Once upon a time I believed he was just old, but now, as I look further into his past, I have come to understand he is a moron. Sure, sometimes he lies out of his vagina, like most conservatives, but he also appears to just be stupid.

He gave us another glaring example of his shocking stupidity this week, when he chose these glorious words.

Huh. I guess he missed the Gulf War and 9/11 and the Iraq War and the war in Afghanistan. I’m sure that is something the 4,144 Americans soldiers killed in Iraq will be surprised to hear. And, yeah, 9/11 was totally not an serious international crisis. Oh, and you are unfit to be president because of your mental state.

Thanks for the tip. I thought it was a terrible party. McCain is either a liar or he is that stupid. Either way, he should not be president. Vote Ron Paul!

Next up, AM radios biggest Asshole Fuckfaces spewed more idiocy out of his Oxycontin hole.

Listen to genius Rush Limbaugh wax poetically about Olympic phenom Michael Phelps and America’s energy crisis.

Hi, no connection, my name’s FearTheReaper.

Holy shit, is Rush a dumb Asshole Fuckface. I can only assume he wakes up and shoves an ice pick into his frontal lobe each morning. To attempt to connect one human being, a super human, to America’s energy crisis and “the left” may be the dumbest thing I have heard in a long time.

Um. No. One is a person, the other is a country. One runs on gasoline and the other runs on chicken and ice cream. See the difference? I would love it if our country could run on ice cream, but it can’t. I’m sorry that you are the physical embodiment of Homer Simpson.

Oh, and, “Chinese gymnasts eat rice cakes?” Really? You couldn’t help but throw in a little racism as well, huh? Please Christian Right, keep listening to this drug addict, 4-time divorced multimillionaire, because he understands your values.

Next up, some grieving family Asshole Fuckfacery.

Earlier this year, 14-year-old Oxnard high school student Lawrence King was shot and killed by a fellow classmate. King was said to have “worn feminine attire and makeup,” which made him the target of other boys in the school. The shooter, Brandon David McInerney, has been charged with a hate crime.

Naturally, the school must pay. For letting a kid with a gun on campus? For failing to protect a student? Nope. Because the school let King dress the way he wanted.

Welcome to the Asshole Fuckface Roundup, grieving family. I think you’re the first to get that honor.

Right. If it wasn’t for the clothes and makeup, King would still be alive. Other than that, he totally fit in.

Finally, some Asshole Fuckfaces do not make good fathers.

Meet Raymond Daniel Thurmond, of Lavonia, Georgia. Ray has been living in a trailer with his wife and four children for three years. He worked at a poultry plant and was said the be police and quiet. But that was just outside the trailer. Inside it was a different story. Ray didn’t allow his family to leave the trailer for three years – and the trailer was not in the best condition.

“Refused to continue.” That can’t be good.

And why not throw in some abuse? Ray would beat his kids, ages 14, 13, 12 and 9, sometimes with a steel-toed boot. He would rape his wife all the time, while the children listened. His wife was suffering from battered wife syndrome and did not come forward until Ray told her he was leaving for another woman.

Um, I’m going to go ahead and say the other woman caught a break. Ray is looking at charges of rape, child abuse and false imprisonment. I hope he gets a little understanding of prison rape.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comic. You can read more of his nonsense at his blog, Stop All Monsters.

You lucky son of a bitch. You could have died this week, or been turned into a vegetable by doing to many whippits, or salvia. But you made it. God damn it, I am proud of you. And to show you just how proud I am, I'm making a list of the worst human beings on the planet. It’s called the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. So, strap on your plastic vest and kilt, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, the American press are the most embarrassing Asshole Fuckfaces on the planet.

McCain was back at it again this week. By "back at it," I mean he doesn't know what the fuck is going on. But this time his little fact switcharoo was aided by CBS News. Johnny was being interviewed by Katie Couric and this little moment transpired.

It’s a “matter of history” in an opposite world. Let’s take a look at the actual history:

2006 - The Anbar Awakening.

2007 - The Surge.

So, that’s the opposite of what McCain said. The Bush Administration started paying off Sunni fighters who had been killing our soldiers in late 2006. The Surge began in the spring/summer of 2007. So, how did CBS handle this mistake? Drill him further? Nope, they just switched out McCain’s answer when the news aired, that way it looked like Johnny didn’t make a mistake at all.



Nice work, CBS. There really is no point having a free press with companies like you around.

Next up, some corporate Asshole Fuckfacery.

Monticello, Minnesota wanted to attract more peeps to their city and someone came up with a crazy idea: Build a fiber-optic network. The assumption was if they built the network people and business would follow. Seventy-four percent of the town’s residents voted for a bond measure to get it done. It all seemed a go.

Wow. Spectacularly horrible. The Bridgewater Telephone Company needs to rename itself the Asshole Fuckface Telephone Company.

And they just kind of made it up.

Hopefully the city will be reimbursed for this frivolous lawsuit and the company heads will have to register as Asshole Fuckfaces where ever they are.

Next up, a California Asshole Fuckface.

You may recognize Representative Duncan Hunter as a failed presidential candidate or because he is one of the all time great douchebags. Oh, and he likes to feed starving refugees. Yay!

How awesome is that? Hunter wants to feed Darfur refugees and maybe bring some attention to the genocide thingy that is going on.

Um. Okay. That got weird really fast. Now, our embassy in Chad wasn’t sure what to do, because that is a batshit crazy idea and a logistical nightmare. So, they asked for the State Department’s help on how to deal with Hunter. Here’s what the State Department came up with:

Wow. The State Department is such a party bummer. Why can’t some dude kill an animal, cut up the meat, slog it over to a refugee camp and throw pieces of raw meat at starving refuges? Maybe because there no wildebeests there. (There are a few, but they are protected in a no-hunting refuge.)

Now, obviously, Duncan will go to the camp and observe the food distribution, right? Because that’s why he wanted to go to Africa.

Oh. Someone should tell the Asshole Fuckface that wildebeests in Kenya and Tanzania are "under threat from poachers." And Asshole Fuckfaces.

Finally, I can always count on one Connecticut Asshole Fuckface to always be there for me.

This week Senator Joey Lieberman spoke at the Christians United for Israel Washington-Israel Summit. The summit is hosted by the wonderful pastor John Hagee. Hagee holds some super ideas about stuff; like that Hurricane Katrina was caused by a gay pride parade in New Orleans.

Lieberman obviously sees Hagee a bit differently than those of us with souls. Hagee was attacked by blogs for his horrible comments and Asshole Fuckface Joe believes that would put Hagee in some awesome company.

Right. Bloggers would fucking hate Moses, because saying gays caused Katrina and parting the Red Sea are very, very similar. Oh, and Moses might have been a bit different in this age of technology. Oh, and you're a moron.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each receive a FearTheReaper stress ball.

FearTheReaper is a writer, comic and actor. You may read more of his naughtiness on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

John McCain is an insanely rich man. Johnny and his wife own eight houses. That’s pretty sweet. How many houses do you own? The wife is an heiress to the third largest Budweiser distributor in America. The company is worth $300 million, which makes Cindy McCain worth a sweet $100 million.

Wow. A private jet. That’s some serious common-man shit right there. And just like most guys, the family owns a piece of a major league baseball team.

Groovy. I’ve bought a few baseball tickets, so we’ve got quite a bit in common. Oh, and Johnny likes to entertain the press at his modest estate.

Of course, the majority of this information was released with Grandpa’s tax return information to the press. John apparently lives on a paltry salary.

They probably use his salary to tip the staff.

Now, you’re probably wondering why I’m bringing up the incredible wealth of Mr. and Mrs. McCain. It’s no crime to be rich, even if you keep calling your opponent an “Elitist.” Well, what about a guy whose family is worth over $100 million who is taking yearly Navy benefits of $58,358?

That’s how much McCain took in last year for injuries incurred as a Vietnam POW. He sort of forgot to list it in the tax return he released to the media, but that’s probably because the benefits not taxed. How sweet is that? Fifty-eight thousand tax free. Might actually mean something if he wasn’t a crazy rich millionaire.

His body is so “limited” that he hiked the Grand Canyon in 2006. Actually, his staff described him as “technically disabled," the poor bastard. Actually, McCain did experience some horrible injuries. When his plane went down, he had a broken leg and two broken arms. The Vietnamese then hung him from his broken leg for a while, which is totally not cool. Maybe that was why Johnny sung like a bird when he was in captivity – after a whole 13 days.

McCain was shot down on October 26th, 1967. By November 9th, he was giving interviews to foreign correspondents, providing information on his prior command, casualties and tactics, which is kind of in direct violation of the Military Code of Conduct. But, hey, he was tortured. He spent 5 ½ years as a POW. I’m sure some of you are saying the guy deserves the cash.

He would, if he wasn’t a hypocritical douche. See, Senators Jim Webb and Chuck Hagel wrote a new GI bill last year that would increase troop college education benefits. Considering how royally we are fucking over our troops, it’s pretty much a no brainer to increase their education benefits.

Well, not for “58K A Year McCain.” Even though Webb practically begged him to support the bill, McCain opposed it.

Nice. He didn’t even bother to show up for the vote. See, he knows what it is like to be a soldier. Like most soldiers, he returned home, divorced his model wife because she had become fat and married a multi-millionaire. Now he collects a sweet 58 thousand a year while opposing a needed increase in education benefits.



So, why does McCain oppose the bill? It’s actually the most disgusting reason you could think up.

John doesn’t want to give soldiers incentive to leave the military. The Pentagon is opposed to the bill – and Bush will veto it – because…

Oh, the horror. We can’t have that, now can we? So, every time you look at McCain, think about how that millionaire is taking in $58,000 a year, tax free, while opposing an increase in education benefits for our soldiers, because it will keep them stuck in the military.

McCain is a class A cunt.