Merry Asshole Fuckface Day. This is the day during which righteous people such as yourself can laugh at and mock the miserable fucks that inhabit our sweet Earth. That’s where I come in. I drag the hideous beasts from their caves and into the light of day, for all to see. It’s not an easy job. Sometimes I sit in a corner and weep for 17 hours straight. Other times I angrily masturbate, while crying tears for the children. So goes the life of an Asshole Fuckface exposer. It’s what my father did and his father before him. It’s the life we Reapers have chosen and we do it with pride. So, go grab your umbrella and cover yourself in thick grease, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some Asshole Fuckface lady keeps saying stupid shit.



Oh, fuck. Can you please stop saying the dumbest shit ever? Or how about if you just refrain from bringing up the assassination of Ted Kennedy’s brother the week he was diagnosed with a horrible brain tumor?

There are only two options with this little verbal gem. Either she thinks she should stick in the race because Obama might be assassinated pretty soon, or she thinks the assassination of Robert Kennedy is a great comparison to her campaign. Either way, she’s an Asshole Fuckface. Maybe later she can go pee on Ted's skull.

Oh, and she’s made this comment before.

So, it wasn’t a slip. It was a talking point. Nice.

Next up, another Asshole Fuckface said something while there was a microphone around.

As many people don’t know, John McCain worked very hard to get the endorsement of Pastor John Hagee. He visited Hagee many times and finally the nut was cracked. Hagee gave McCain his Jesus-like endorsement and all was well for John with a few crazy Christians. Then a few liberal bloggers began posting the insane rantings of Hagee, which included blaming gays for Hurricane Katrina. Of course, the media ignored those comments, because a black man in Chicago was saying something bad. McCain did disavow the comments, but not the Pastor - that is until now. It was only a matter of time until someone unearthed an incredibly heinous Hagee speech.



Wow. Someone just made Jeremiah Wright look like a hero. There’s really nothing like saying Hitler killing 6 million Jews was God’s work. Welcome to the Asshole Fuckface hall of fame, creep.

McCain was forced to reject Hagee’s endorsement.

Nice. That was just too much for John. The “gays caused Hurricane Katrina” shit was totally cool, though.

My next Asshole Fuckface… said something horrible. Go figure.

Michael Savage is the most vile, right wing radio host in America. I would actually have a hard time arguing that he is human. I think he’s more of a physical form of pure hate wrapped in flesh. This week, Savage decided to make fun of Ted Kennedy and his newly diagnosed brain cancer.



Ha ha. Get it? The Dead Kennedys. Ted has a deadly brain tumor. GET IT? Fucking hilarious. And cutting in Arnold’s “It's not a tumor” line is genius.

Hee, hee. Isn’t that a hoot?

Giggle, giggle.

How Michael Savage is allowed to speak into anything other than his own shoe is amazing.

Finally, my last Asshole Fuckface may be the worst parent, ever.

Meet Try Sienghym. He’s a Cambodian mechanic who isn’t very good at playing with his son. Apparently, Try was having a good time with his five-year-old in the shop, when he decided to play “tire.”

“Learned the hard way not to inflate children.” Just let that soak in for a minute. Dude actually thought he could inflate his child, like a Road Runner cartoon. Let’s take this picture a bit further. He grabbed his child, and I assume pulled down his pants, then rammed an air hose into his asshole and turned that fucker on. Fun.

Oh, and I think the kid actually is the one who “learned the hard way.”

For those who don’t know anything about our digestive system, it goes like this: Anus, rectum, colon, the large intestine, the small intestine and then the stomach. (And that’s backwards – stuff is supposed to go the other way) So, Dad blew air all the way through his boy’s digestive system and into his stomach. But, he is sorry.

I bet. He’s also now the village retard.

Yes, but he gets something worse. He will forever be known as an Asshole Fuckface.

Congrats to this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You will all receive a FearTheReaper marble statue.

America seems to be in a lot of trouble. We have a possible Democratic presidential candidate who has been spiritually mentored by a black pastor who is clearly a madman. Obama’s pastor, Jeremiah Wright, actually said things out loud that any true American would never agree with. This is unparalleled in American history and we should now be very suspicious of Senator Obama.

For those of you unaware of Wright’s horrifying “hate speech,” here is a sample.



This is disturbing. I cannot believe any politician would be associated with a man who uses such hateful language. Never in the history of America have we faced such a troubling situation. We have a long history of compassionate and loving religious leaders influencing our political leaders.

It seems like just yesterday that the kind and wonderful Religious Right leader Francis Schaeffer was delivering his loving words to America.

God bless him and his sweet call for the violent overthrow of the US government. Years of making these types of comments got Francis invited to lunch with Presidents Ronald Reagan, Gerald Ford and George Bush Sr. – as he should have been. He was a true American.

Wright’s comments, on the other hand, are inexcusable, especially when compared with some of our nation’s greatest spiritual leaders, like Pat Robertson.

He was right, of course. Foggy Bottom is the nickname for the State Department’s DC headquarters. Pat knows that the State Department has spent years trying to kill us and therefore, should be annihilated with a nuclear weapon. God bless him for his kind and understanding heart.

Comments like this are the reason George W. Bush relied on Pat Robertson as a trusted consultant. And we should be thankful that he did so, unlike the horrible Jeremiah Wright, who clearly hates America. See, President Bush understands that Pat does not have a hateful bone in his body. The nuclear weapon Pat spoke of was made by Jesus. He only wants what is right for our country and the people living on her soil.

Pat is just carrying on the tradition of warmhearted American spiritual leaders. The recently departed Reverend Jerry Falwell was another great man of God. After 9/11 he helped to heal our nation.

God bless you, Reverend Falwell -- and Pat Robertson for agreeing. Statements like this are the reason Falwell had an open line to the White House and called whenever he wanted.

Falwell's passing was a great loss, according to our political leaders.

John McCain

George W. Bush

Yes, indeed. George even sought the advice of his "loyal friend" Jerry when selecting Supreme Court nominees.

John McCain’s has a new friend, pastor John Hagee, who has often expressed his Jesus-like views of the Katrina disaster.

Bless you, John Hagee, that is exactly why you have "the ear of the White House." You embody the spirit of Jesus and American patriotism.

Preach on, brother! Clearly the man loves America, because he says the liberal coasts will experience nuclear warfare. That’s patriotism. Hateful Jeremiah Wright could learn something from love filled John Hagee.

Jeremiah Wright’s language is so hateful that I can barely contain myself. How dare anybody know him! Look at this drivel.

It’s not the kind of speech we are used to hearing from our white, white, and very white ministers. It doesn’t include the usual simplistic attack on a minority because of their sexuality. Nor does it justify the deaths of thousands because of their ideology. Wright does not call for the death of American citizens living on the coasts of America and he doesn’t hope for the nuclear destruction of a department of the US government. What a jerk.

Wright has the gall to suggest that there is a link between the United State’s bombing of or meddling in other countries, and the desire of fanatics to attack America. The last thing America wants is to hear someone speak the truth. For God’s sake, the man is saying there is a cause and effect relationship. BUT HE’S NOT BLAMING QUEERS! Didn’t he get the fucking memo? God lets terrorists kill us because men are putting their penises in other men’s bottoms.

Here are the things Jesus hates:

The State Department
The IRS
Global Warming
The UN (Oh man, does Jesus hate the UN)
Old Europe
Gays (duh)
Liberals
Jews
Muslims
Anybody but Christians, actually
People who don’t own guns
Soccer
ACLU
Abortionists
Feminists

That's it. Anything not on that list, Jesus does not hate. Those are the subjects our spiritual leaders are allowed to cover. Or, at least our white religious leaders.

This entire “controversy” never would have erupted if Wright was a white man. That is so fucking obvious – and if you don’t think so, then you are a moron. This is white America getting angry at an uppity black man. This is the side of the US that whites would like very much to keep hidden away, out of view. Angry blacks are supposed to shoot and murder, not speak in ways that force us to think. This is the kind of shit that makes us look at ourselves and we don’t like it. That’s two hundred years of justifiable anger. A lot of people thought they were getting a nice house Negro in Obama, but now they find out he's been hanging out with the angry field Negroes. And they lost their minds. The hypocritical reaction of those who give the Robertsons of the world a pass is sickening.

God damn America is right.

The Republicans idiots will continue to hammer this point home, even after what may have been the best speech in modern politics two days ago. They will ignore the vile hate spewing out of the mouths of their insane religious leaders and continue their constant attacks on Wright. And no “journalist” will ever call if for the obvious racist attack it is. Because this America -- and we have the worst media in the free world.