Angry Black Men Are Scary
America seems to be in a lot of trouble. We have a possible Democratic presidential candidate who has been spiritually mentored by a black pastor who is clearly a madman. Obamas pastor, Jeremiah Wright, actually said things out loud that any true American would never agree with. This is unparalleled in American history and we should now be very suspicious of Senator Obama.
For those of you unaware of Wrights horrifying hate speech, here is a sample.
This is disturbing. I cannot believe any politician would be associated with a man who uses such hateful language. Never in the history of America have we faced such a troubling situation. We have a long history of compassionate and loving religious leaders influencing our political leaders.
It seems like just yesterday that the kind and wonderful Religious Right leader Francis Schaeffer was delivering his loving words to America.
There does come a time when force, even physical force, is appropriate...This brings us to a current issue that is crucial for the future of the church in the United States, the issue of abortion... It is time we consciously realize that when any office commands what is contrary to God's law it abrogates its authority. And our loyalty to the God who gave this law then requires that we make the appropriate response in that situation...
God bless him and his sweet call for the violent overthrow of the US government. Years of making these types of comments got Francis invited to lunch with Presidents Ronald Reagan, Gerald Ford and George Bush Sr. as he should have been. He was a true American.
Wrights comments, on the other hand, are inexcusable, especially when compared with some of our nations greatest spiritual leaders, like Pat Robertson.
If I could just get a nuclear device inside Foggy Bottom, I think that's the answer. We've got to blow that thing up.
He was right, of course. Foggy Bottom is the nickname for the State Departments DC headquarters. Pat knows that the State Department has spent years trying to kill us and therefore, should be annihilated with a nuclear weapon. God bless him for his kind and understanding heart.
Comments like this are the reason George W. Bush relied on Pat Robertson as a trusted consultant. And we should be thankful that he did so, unlike the horrible Jeremiah Wright, who clearly hates America. See, President Bush understands that Pat does not have a hateful bone in his body. The nuclear weapon Pat spoke of was made by Jesus. He only wants what is right for our country and the people living on her soil.
"I would warn Orlando that you're right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don't think I'd be waving those flags in God's face if I were you, This is not a message of hate -- this is a message of redemption. But a condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It'll bring about terrorist bombs; it'll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor." Pat Robertson, on "gay days" at Disneyworld.
Pat is just carrying on the tradition of warmhearted American spiritual leaders. The recently departed Reverend Jerry Falwell was another great man of God. After 9/11 he helped to heal our nation.
The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way -- all of them who have tried to secularize America -- I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.
God bless you, Reverend Falwell -- and Pat Robertson for agreeing. Statements like this are the reason Falwell had an open line to the White House and called whenever he wanted.
Falwell's passing was a great loss, according to our political leaders.
John McCain
I join the students, faculty, and staff of Liberty University and Americans of all faiths in mourning the loss of Reverend Jerry Falwell. Dr. Falwell was a man of distinguished accomplishment who devoted his life to serving his faith and country.
George W. Bush
A man who cherished faith, family, and freedom. As the founder of Thomas Road Baptist Church in Lynchburg, Virginia, Jerry lived a life of faith and called upon men and women of all backgrounds to believe in God and serve their communities.
Yes, indeed. George even sought the advice of his "loyal friend" Jerry when selecting Supreme Court nominees.
John McCains has a new friend, pastor John Hagee, who has often expressed his Jesus-like views of the Katrina disaster.
All hurricanes are acts of God because God controls the heavens. I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God and they were recipients of the judgment of God for that.
Bless you, John Hagee, that is exactly why you have "the ear of the White House." You embody the spirit of Jesus and American patriotism.
"Could it be that America, who refuses to defend Israel from the Russian invasion, will experience nuclear warfare on our east and west coasts?" He says yes, citing Genesis 12:3, in which God said to Israel: "I will bless those who bless you, and I will curse him who curses you."
Preach on, brother! Clearly the man loves America, because he says the liberal coasts will experience nuclear warfare. Thats patriotism. Hateful Jeremiah Wright could learn something from love filled John Hagee.
Jeremiah Wrights language is so hateful that I can barely contain myself. How dare anybody know him! Look at this drivel.
The government gives them the drugs, builds bigger prisons, passes a three-strike law and then wants us to sing 'God Bless America.' No, no, no, God damn America, that's in the Bible for killing innocent people. God damn America for treating our citizens as less than human. God damn America for as long as she acts like she is God and she is supreme.
We bombed Hiroshima, we bombed Nagasaki, and we nuked far more than the thousands in New York and the Pentagon, and we never batted an eye.
We have supported state terrorism against the Palestinians and black South Africans, and now we are indignant because the stuff we have done overseas is now brought right back to our own front yards. America's chickens are coming home to roost.
Its not the kind of speech we are used to hearing from our white, white, and very white ministers. It doesnt include the usual simplistic attack on a minority because of their sexuality. Nor does it justify the deaths of thousands because of their ideology. Wright does not call for the death of American citizens living on the coasts of America and he doesnt hope for the nuclear destruction of a department of the US government. What a jerk.
Wright has the gall to suggest that there is a link between the United States bombing of or meddling in other countries, and the desire of fanatics to attack America. The last thing America wants is to hear someone speak the truth. For Gods sake, the man is saying there is a cause and effect relationship. BUT HES NOT BLAMING QUEERS! Didnt he get the fucking memo? God lets terrorists kill us because men are putting their penises in other mens bottoms.
Here are the things Jesus hates:
The State Department
The IRS
Global Warming
The UN (Oh man, does Jesus hate the UN)
Old Europe
Gays (duh)
Liberals
Jews
Muslims
Anybody but Christians, actually
People who dont own guns
Soccer
ACLU
Abortionists
Feminists
That's it. Anything not on that list, Jesus does not hate. Those are the subjects our spiritual leaders are allowed to cover. Or, at least our white religious leaders.
This entire controversy never would have erupted if Wright was a white man. That is so fucking obvious and if you dont think so, then you are a moron. This is white America getting angry at an uppity black man. This is the side of the US that whites would like very much to keep hidden away, out of view. Angry blacks are supposed to shoot and murder, not speak in ways that force us to think. This is the kind of shit that makes us look at ourselves and we dont like it. Thats two hundred years of justifiable anger. A lot of people thought they were getting a nice house Negro in Obama, but now they find out he's been hanging out with the angry field Negroes. And they lost their minds. The hypocritical reaction of those who give the Robertsons of the world a pass is sickening.
God damn America is right.
The Republicans idiots will continue to hammer this point home, even after what may have been the best speech in modern politics two days ago. They will ignore the vile hate spewing out of the mouths of their insane religious leaders and continue their constant attacks on Wright. And no journalist will ever call if for the obvious racist attack it is. Because this America -- and we have the worst media in the free world.
Hell Freezes Over: Westboro Baptists vs. Jerry Falwell
Ahh, the Westboro Baptist Church -- everyone's favorite chromosomally-challenged Christian group. You may know them for such chart-topping fundamentalist hits as Thank God for Dead Soldiers and the ever-poignant God Hates the World. You know, I always suspected that the Rev. Jerry Falwell kept their cacophony as a joyful little song in his pocket, merciless and close to his God-fearing heart; moreover, I suspected that the affection went both ways.
But I guess showing love for a fallen comrade is just a little too faggy for our fun-loving Westies, because they are turning everything we thought we knew on its ear: according to the schedule of events on their ever so delicately-named website, they will be picketing Falwell's funeral.
I repeat: the Westboro Baptist Church will be picketing Jerry Falwell's funeral.
"Whaaaaaaaa?" you might be saying, if you're not too busy cleaning up all the soda you may have spit out onto your computer monitor. That's what I thought, too, but then I downloaded the explanatory PDF from their site (because I guess outlining their manifestos on another HTML page is gay) and now I understand. I think. It starts out with their usual slogan, and then launches into how much god hates Falwell, Billy Graham, and Pat Robertson -- which must be pretty big news to The 700 Club. They might want to reconsider their career choices. How did this happen?
There is little doubt that Falwell split Hell wide open the instant he died. The evidence is compelling, overwhelming, and irrefragable.
Well, I'm not necessarily going to argue with that point, but to say "it's more of a concurrence than agreement" would be the understatement of the century.
1. Falwell was a true Calvinistic Baptist when he was a young preacher in Springfield, Missouri; and sold his soul to Free-Willism (Arminianism) for lucre.
What? He sold his soul to Armenia? I didn't know they had that kind of money. In other news, "Free-Willism" is my favorite new word since "truthiness."
2. Falwell bitterly and viciously attacked WBC because of WBC's faithful Bible preaching -- thereby committing the unpardonable sin -- otherwise known as the sin gainst [sic] the Holy Ghost.
So now we know what the one Mortal Sin is: badmouthing the Westboro Baptist Church. Get your handbaskets ready, kids, 'cause we're all going to hell.
3. Falwell warmly praised Christ-rejecting Jews, pedophile-condoning Catholics, money-grubbing compromisers, practicing fags like Mel White, and backsliders like Billy Graham and Robert Schuler, Etc. All for lucre -- making him guilty of their sins.
Man, that made me a little nauseous just to retype. See how much I love you all? I do this so that you don't have to. At least that's already the end of it. Seriously though, Falwell "warmly praises practicing fags'? For real? Are we talking about the same Falwell? Because the last I heard, he was trying to get mind-numbingly benign childrens' shows off the air on account of an upside-down triangle and a fucking purse. If that's what you call warm praise, I'd hate to see what admonition looks like.
Oh, wait: I guess it looks like ignorant people picketing funerals. Hey, I was right! I do hate to see it!
Falwell's funeral is slated for Tuesday, May 22nd. No word yet on if they're going to have to reschedule to avoid these knuckleheads. Is this what irony looks like? Perhaps. Whoever would have thought that the Fundies would turn on each other so quickly. Falwell's spinning in his grave, and it hasn't even been dug yet.
Surprise! Youre In Hell, Falwell!
Jerry Falwell died today. He went out the same way he lived; fat and awful. Just imagine the look on his face when he arrived in hell. Priceless.
Falwell was found in his office and rushed to a Lynchburg hospital where he was pronounced dead. And oddly, he was also pronounced a dick. I didnt think doctors could do that but I was wrong.
Falwell, 73, was the founder of the Moral Majority, which is actually a minority. They used the word majority so they would feel better about themselves.
He was truly a man of Jesus.
You could totally hear Jesus saying that. Its eerie. Sometimes it was like he was channeling The Lord. Two days after the attack on the World Trade Center in 2001, Jerry had this to say..
"Abortionists
gays, lesbians, the ACLU and People for American Way helped this happen."
The next day he apologized for stating what was truly in his heart.
At least he still has the Rapture to look forward to.
So long, creep.
FearTheReaper will be appearing at Comedy Works in downtown Denver, May 18th and 19th.