Asshole Fuckface Roundup #78
Well, here we are again. It is a new year and there are still Asshole Fuckfaces running around, doing horrible things to good people. I will continue to seek them out and drag them into the light for you to mock. It’s my job. I get paid in puppies. So, let’s kick off the New Year with some truly horrible Asshole Fuckfaces. Put on your best rubber tuxedo because this is going to be ugly.
First up, a little Democratic Asshole Fuckfacery.
Ah, Harry Reid –– maybe the best Republican in Congress. He’s an utterly useless piece of shit. This week pro-life Harry announced he would bar newly appointed Illinois Senator Roland Burris from the Senate –– with armed guards if necessary. See, Burris can’t be allowed to dirty the floor of the Senate because Asshole Fuckface extraordinaire Rod Blagojevich appointed him. Yes, Harry Reid has finally drawn a line in the sand.
He didn’t do it when Karl Rove and Harriet Miers refused to honor subpoenas. He didn’t do it when Bush nominated the insane right wing lunatic Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court. Warrantless wiretapping? No can do. Joe Lieberman turning a blind eye to Bush corruption as the Chairman of the Homeland Security Committee? Whatevs. Give Ted Stevens a standing ovation after he was convicted of 7 felonies? Hell yes.
Maybe before Reid draws this tough guy line, he should actually check with some law peeps to find out whether denying Burris is even legal. Many say it is not. Either way, Harry Reid wouldn’t know which battle to pick if one was raping his wife and another was making him a pie.
And there was more Burris appointment Asshole Fuckfacery.
It came immediately from Illinois Representative Bobby Rush. According to Bobby, Burris should be allowed to take the seat –– because he’s black.
"My prayers have been answered, because I prayed fervidly that the governor would . . . appoint an African American," said Rush, whose son is a former Blagojevich administration employee. "We need to have not just one African American in the U.S. Senate. We need to have many African Americans in the U.S. Senate."
Well, yeah. Let’s just fill that seat based on skin color. That’s an awesome way to run things.
Illinois Rep. Bobby Rush said that those upset about Rod Blagojevich¹s audacious U.S. Senate appointment “need to take a chill pill.”
Fuck yeah. Chill your shit out. Burris is black. How do you not get that? Please ignore the constant losing of elections he's been doing over the years and his advanced age. He's perfect.
“I would ask you not to hang or lynch the appointee as you try to castigate the appointer.”
Well, hello colorful and unnecessary language. But, yes, let’s not “lynch” the black guy. And let’s not forget what Rush had to say before Blago picked a black guy.
"Like the people of the great state of Illinois, I was shocked and angered by the disturbing news, this morning, that Governor Blagojevich had been arrested for what federal prosecutors describe as "a political corruption crime spree."
"I believe that the acts that are alleged to have been committed by the Governor are so heinous that he has forfeited his right to appoint someone to fill the seat of President-Elect Barack Obama. My bottom line is that the Governor should not be the one to make the appointment to this important office.
“Heinous.” Then suddenly, not heinous. Hey, what changed?
It’s really hard to chose who is worse in this situation, Reid or Rush. It’s like Burris is caught up in an Asshole Fuckface sandwich.
Next up, an Asshole Fuckface with a bottle.
The Democrats are chalk full of win this week. Incoming New York State Senator Hiram Monserrate is fresh off an election victory and looking forward to serving the good people of New York. Dude is a former Marine and served 12 years in the NYPD before getting a psychological disability pension. Uh oh.
But wait! He’s all good because he got rid of his Thetans! Yes, Monserrate is a scientologist.
A Queens legislator - who insists a controversial detoxification program he's promoting in lower Manhattan isn't a front for Scientology - attended a celebrity-studded Los Angeles gala sponsored by the Church of Scientology.
Monserrate had earlier sponsored a council proclamation honoring L. Ron Hubbard, who founded Scientology.
So, he’s a Scientologist, and an ex-Marine and was a cop for 12 years. Totally normal. As is trying to remove your girlfriend’s face with a broken bottle.
State Sen.-elect Hiram Monserrate flew into a volcanic rage and attacked his girlfriend after seeing another man's business card in her purse, sources told The Post yesterday.
The law-enforcement sources also believe that the jealous Monserrate was so angry that he deliberately broke a glass into jagged pieces so he could slash Karla Giraldo, who required 20 stitches around her left eye following the alleged domestic-violence assault.
Sources said her wound is consistent with a jagged piece of glass tearing into her skin.
Oh, man. You are totally not clear. You should head back down to the Scientology center to get rid of your Asshole Fuckfaceness.
Oh, and it was an "accident."
And finally, big, fat, sloppy Israeli Asshole Fuckfacing.
Well, the spectacular fail of the continuing Israeli attack on Gaza is truly something to watch. Nothing like seeing pictures of bloody, dead children to bring the world around to your side.
Yes, I know, Hamas has been shooting rockets they can’t aim at Israel and it is a fucked up situation. But the response isn’t exactly showing the world that Israel is better. Right now, Israel looks like a bigger, better-armed terrorist organization.
Let me see if I can get this straight: Hamas would kill any Israeli if they could, whether that Jew is a mother, father or child. So, an attack on Gaza is a good move, because now people all over the world are watching Israel kill mothers, fathers and children. And hey, that should really bring the Palestinians around. No, I totally get it. Hamas has said they will kill innocents, so you have to kill innocents to stop the killing of innocents. Look, I totally get it. It’s obviously a fool proof plan. I don’t know what could go wrong.
This should totally wrap everything up. Now Israeli’s can justify their attack because of Hamas’ intentions and Hamas supporters can justify their hatred because of the dead children and women. It’s a win win!
But let’s not forget the true fault lies with George Bush and Condoleezza Rice. They are the ones who pushed for elections in Palestine that put Hamas in control of Gaza. This is more George Bush Asshole Fuckfacery.
President Bush, Condoleezza Rice, and Deputy National-Security Adviser Elliott Abrams backed an armed force under Fatah strongman Muhammad Dahlan, touching off a bloody civil war in Gaza and leaving Hamas stronger than ever.
How surprising.
And good luck to Israel in their attempt to create more terrorists. It seems to be going well so far.
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.
Asshole Fuckface Roundup #63
Hello, fellow Asshole Fuckface hater. This week we have a smörgåsbord of Asshole Fuckfaces. For centuries my people have been scouring the Earth, looking for the filthiest humans out there. In the old days, upon finding such creatures, my ancestors would brand AFF on their forehead. Sometimes I still do, if I can just hold them down. For you, I drag them into the light, so that you may mock them for the disgusting creatures they are. This week is nauseating, as usual. So, put on your favorite velvet curtain, because this is going to be ugly.
First up, some Israeli Asshole Fuckfacery.
American dancer Abdur-Rahim Jackson has been dancing with the Alvin Ailey dance troupe for eight years. The troupe is on a six-nation tour to celebrate the companys 50th anniversary. First stop: Israel.
Jackson said he was pulled aside from other members of the troupe when they arrived at Israel's international airport on Sunday night. He said he was taken to a holding room, where he was asked about the origins of his name.
Yes, please explain this Jackson nonsense. And, why are you black? At one point Jackson was actually told that he should change his name. Oh, but they werent done yet.
When he explained he was part of the dance group, he was asked to perform.
"I stood up. I asked what type of dance?" he explained. "He said, "Just do anything.' I just moved around."
Dance, black man, dance. Thats some crack security. Oh, but they werent done yet.
Minutes later, he said a female officer put him through a similar interrogation and asked him to dance again.
Holy fucking shit. What a bunch of Asshole Fuckfaces. Jackson is not religious and is engaged to a Jewish woman. He has accepted numerous apologies from American dignitaries and his Israeli hosts. No action was taken against the security officers.
Next up, more Republican racist Asshole Fuckfacing.
Apparently we cant go a week without some southern Republican politician using racist language. This week it was Congressional candidate Rick Goddard calling an MSNBC reporter Uppity. Guess what the reporters ethnic background is?
Ill tell you one thing, I think were going to have a very, very strong, capable president in John McCain. Last night, Newt Gingrich disarmed a very uppity newscaster who tried to question him on the capabilities and leadership of Governor Palin. Theres simply no comparison between a governor and a community organizer.
Check out the Uppity reporter.
God damn job doer. It's like you think you can just ask white men questions, without being lynched.
The Goddard campaign responded to charges of racism.
A member of the media dropped all pretense of objectivity during an interview with Newt Gingrich to arrogantly launch an attack on Gov. Sarah Palins experience, to which Rick came to her defense and simply evoked a word that by definition described the reporters demeanor as being superior, arrogant and presumptuous.
To try and smear Ricks character by suggesting that he meant anything other than the definition is ludicrous.
Cool, Ill be ludicrous and you be racist. Totally works for me. You Asshole Fuckface.
Next up, some horrible Asshole Fuckface parenting.
Dannette R. Gillespie of Pasadena, Texas is a shit stain of a mother. Last week, bar owner Eugene Palma was stabbed several times in his driveway during a botched robbery. He later died of his wounds. Police used a palm print to identify the stabbers. They were a gang, made up of two teenage girls and a mother.
Two teenage girls are accused of stabbing a 75-year-old man to death in a robbery that netted them just $15, and police say the mother of one of the teens helped put them up to it.
Dannette R. Gillespie, 38, gave knives to her 15-year-old daughter and Vanessa Anne Ocampo, 19, then waited in their car while the teens robbed and killed Eugene Palma, according to a probable cause warrant.
Hey Asshole Fuckface, I probably would have done that somewhere other than Texas. Welcome to the world of dead, Dannette. And one hell of a parenting job. We always need more monsters.
Finally, some hospital Asshole Fuckfacery.
Claudia Mejia went into Orlando Regional South Seminole Hospital to give birth, but things did not go as planned. She did give birth to baby, but she also woke up without any arms or legs. She had arms and legs when she walked into the hospital. She knows that because she walked into the hospital.
She was kept in the hospital for 12 days after giving birth with complications, then transferred to Orlando Regional Medical Center, where her arms and legs were cut off. She was later told she was infected with a flesh eating bacteria and toxic shock syndrome. That was all the info she was given.
"I woke up from surgery and I had no arms and no legs. No one told me anything. My arms and legs were just gone."
After asking for a more detailed explanation for her lack of limbs, the Asshole Fuckfaces at the hospital told her to go fuck herself.
The hospital, in a letter, wrote that if she wanted to find out exactly what happened, she would have to sue them.
The hospital maintains the woman wants to know information that would violate other patients' rights.
Um, does Dick Cheney run this hospital?
Claudias lawyer says that the Florida "The Patients Right To Know About Adverse Medical Incidents Act" states the hospital must turn over all information. But the hospital says that because of the act, they cant turn over the information.
Classic Asshole Fuckfacery.
Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You will each recieve a brand new FearTheReaper cat bed!
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.
SG Community Diary: Shiva for Two Brothers
Below is the second installment of an SG Community Diary column written by SG member Joual who details - with wonderfully intermingling precision, poeticism, humor, and heart-wrenching emotion - life as part of the Israeli Defense Force. You may read his previous article here. Once again, thank you, Joual, for your honesty and courage and for sharing your story with all of us.
The caption in an Israeli daily read One last dishonour. The accompanying picture portrayed two black coffins being dumped unceremoniously to the ground, a seeming final show of disrespect to the bodies of Ehud Goldwasser and Eldad Regev, the two reservists kidnapped and killed in a Hezbollah ambush in 2006. After two years of uncertainty and a flurry of conflicting statements by intelligence officials and Hezbollah, the families of Goldwasser and Regev could finally close this tragic chapter in their lives, say the Jewish prayer of kaddish, and consecrate their loved ones to the earth.
Simultaneously and in a causally related event, a middle-aged, mustachioed man was quietly being transported across the Lebanon-Israeli border to Beirut. Emerging in a clean set of clothes and sporting a noticeable paunch, Samir Kuntar was greeted by massive crowd support in a heros parade orchestrated and financed by Hezbollah. Nearly 20 years prior, this man, whom I quipped looked like the owner of a bad food court-grade Shwarma stand, came in from Lebanon via boat, killed a policeman, Eliyahu Shahar, burst into the house of Naharya resident Danny Haran and kidnapped him and his 4 year old daughter, Einat. Taking them to the beach, he shot Danny to death and began to beat the young girl around the head with rocks, finally crushing her head with his rifles stock. The mans wife was forced to cower in her home as the heavily armed Kuntar stalked through her house, smothering her own baby daughter in an attempt to keep her quiet.
It was a hot, summer evening on a base not far from Gaza when my unit heard the news. We had just completed a solid day of urban warfare training and were ready to hit the sack hard. It had been a rough day of training, with the temperatures in the high-90s/low-100s, and our ceramic armour and gear, in addition to making us look like Satans Own Pillsbury Doughboys , didnt really do a whole lot to improve the situation. In fact, the extreme dust and heat combined with the ever-present and proliferating infestation of scarab beetles caused even my cheery and normally resilient Fruit of the Looms to, well, wilt.
I had just dropped to my cot in an cloud of sand, dust, and sweat and was looking and feeling very much the spitting image of a militaristic Pig Pen, when the Platoon Sergeant from our mortars section, Drori, burst into the tent throwing down an Israeli newspaper from that morning.
Goddamn cowardly sons of bitches dity slut motherfucking cunts!
Drori, even when hes a good mood, is what I like to call temperamentally psychotic. A short, aggressive, loud, chain-smoking, Mizrac hi (Arabic/Jewish), music loving Yemenite with a dim view of soldiers rights, Drori is a throwback to the IDF of the 1970s. In fact, the first time I met him I was participating in a combined sharpshooters/Squad automatic weapon (SAW- the Negev machine gun) exercise. At that time, he had gotten the posting of the logistics-and-supply-sergeant for the Negevists and had a penchant for smacking people around with wooden posts and threatening to insert the rather heavy SAW into anatomically improbable areas. That said, the man loves and drives his platoon to excellence, and his men adore him.
On this occasion, the vein on Droris head was an angry red and he was in full Drori mode, pacing and cursing. People gathered around the paper, pushing and shoving each other to see the picture of those coffins lying on the ground. The anger, sadness and frustration in these young men was visible in their eyes.
We sat in a semi-circle as Drori read the article to an almost disbelieving audience.
Those sons of bitches! How can they just give in and free that monster for
for
bodies?!
We should give bodies for bodies, if they give us live people we can give them live people!
Look at those sluts, no respect! Fucking coffin on the ground!
Look at that fat fuck we released, clean and well kept and our guys? Their parents didnt know they were dead until now!
Oh my god, think of what their parents went through
my mom would die!
And that was the key sentence, we all fell quiet. In all of us we saw a glimpse of a possible future, where in some fubar mission in Gaza city or Rafa we get injured and kidnapped and die in some god-forsaken hellhole with nobody knowing where we are and our parents and loved ones scared and grieving. Where our bodies end up lying in an anonymous coffin, dropped into the dirt like garbage in front of the eyes of our parents and the world. Or, worse than that, to be like Ron Arad, likely tortured to death far from home and whose family has been kept in the dark for 22 years.
To many of us this prisoner exchange brought about a lot of conflicting emotions. On the one hand, it brought closure to what has been a dark chapter in IDF history and allowed these mens mothers and wives to finally begin to grieve. On the other hand, we felt that all we fought for, to protect our families by putting our lives on the line every goddamn day to bring in or kill men like Kuntar was wasted if a few years down the line they would be let go alive and in perfect health in exchange for one or two corpses, even if they had smashed open the skull of a 4 year old child and remain remorseless to this day.
Drori turned the page and we all saw the picture of Ehud Olmert holding Ehud Goldwassers widow just as she was about to burst into tears. Quietly, probably one of the only times Ive heard him speak without cursing or shouting, he spoke.
I was in the war. I felt that maybe we could bring these guys home, or at the very least stop the missiles from hitting my family up north. That was what we wanted, to kill the men who took him and bring him home alive, to his family. We went for days without re-supply, no fresh water, eating canned meat and tuna. They kept telling us that Olmert was going to send in reinforcements any day now, that he would authorize a ground attack. We waited, and he hesitated. And now, now we give Hezbollah what they wanted all along and theyre celebrating while we grieve.
Silence.
Drori looked around at the angry, disappointed faces of his men.
Well, I dunno. I heard maybe they injected some kind of radioactive material into Kuntar and the rest. Itll take a few years but hell get his! Thats possible, right?
They all looked at me, they knew I had studied neuroscience and knew a little medical science. I didnt think that they did such injections or even would for a number of strategic reasons (nobody would ever trade prisoners with us again), but as I looked around at my buddies, who felt so betrayed by their government for looking so vulnerable, and saw the pain in their eyes I couldnt speak. Finally, I said it was possible, but that maybe he was infected with some kind of disease, so that he would die and maybe even spread it to other terrorists and we could maintain that he was infected in prison through some kind of shower room backdoor shenanigans.
Yeah, thats gotta be it. AIDS or something!
Ive heard the Mossad did stuff like that before, that must be it!
Bet he doesnt even know, the sucker!
Of course I knew that nobody injected Kuntar with anything, and Im sure my battle brothers knew that just as well, but when youre a soldier who is expected to fight and die for your country, for a government that can sometimes be run by a bunch of shmucks in cheap suits, sometimes you want to believe that justice will prevail in the end.
Sometimes you want to believe that providence or fate or Karma or whatever you want to call it will make things right.
Sometimes you want to believe that what you work and slave for, what you bleed for, wont be thrown away in one fell swoop.
Sometimes you just need to believe.
For my fallen brothers Sgt. Major Ehud Goldwasser and Sgt. First Class Eldad Regev, I recite the kaddish, the Jewish prayer for the remembrance of the dead.
Magnified and sanctified be Gods great name in the world which He created according to His will.
May he establish His kingdom during our lifetime and the lifetime of Israel, let us say Amen.
May Gods great name be blessed forever and ever
Blessed, glorified, honoured and extolled, adored and acclaimed be the name of the Holy One, though God is beyond all praises and songs of adoration which can be uttered. Let us say, Amen.
May there be peace and life for all of us and for all Israel. Let us say Amen.
Let He who makes peace in the heavens grant peace to all of us and to all Israel.
Let us say, Amen.
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SG Community Diary is a newswire feature intended to highlight some of the wonderful, interesting, and amazing stories of this websites models and members.
Please contact Fatality or Anarchie with any other potential stories!
SG Community Diary: From the Flames
What follows below is a first-hand account of life as part of the Israeli Defense Force. I dont want to spend too much time introducing this piece because it is powerful enough to stand on its own. Whatever your views, your political opinions, your stance on the situation in the Middle East, please read on. It is the story of military life, yes, but it is also the story of Joual, an SG member. - Fatality
General Douglas MacArthur famously stated, his corncob pipe likely bobbing in the salty air of some god-forsaken Pacific beach, that it was the soldier, above all other people, who prays for peace, for he alone bears the wounds and scars of war. Soldiers are thrown haphazardly into the flames of war, are tasked to do the impossible and to achieve outcomes that are more than improbable. We bear witness to atrocities that can only have been spawned from the darkest recesses of the human heart. We watch our dearest friends get injured or die; we place ourselves within inches of oblivion and stand ready to appropriately respond to violence while simultaneously trying desperately to cling to our sanity and our very souls in the heat of battle.
I am a soldier in the Israeli Defense Forces, in the last year of his service. I am a fairly unique soldier, as well. Im 24 years old, whereas your typical inductee is usually around 18. Im a university graduate of neuroscience, having graduated from one of the worlds leading medical schools. Im an immigrant from North America, a proud Zionist by his legs as describes someone who moved to live in Israel, and a person who truly and strongly loves and believes in his country. I am also a veteran of the pitched battles waged on campuses across North America, those unending conflicts between pro-Palestinian and pro-Israeli groups.
I am also a voice many do not hear; I am an active combat soldier, a sharpshooter in the elite Paratroopers Brigade. We are figures that are at once idolized, lionized, scrutinized and demonized throughout discussions and arguments across the globe. Everyone feels free to weigh in their chips regarding our actions, from politicos and high-flying activists to pimply-faced arm-chair generals with a cheap ass blog and a throbbing hard-on for Counterstrike and Medal of Honor. Sure, you hear about the checkpoints or the counter-terror operations , our brutality or our heroism, the lives we take or the lives we sacrifice. Every Op/Ed section, every news magazine, every campus is teeming with people who will give you The Truth About Israeli Soldiers, about What It Was Like Over There.
But it is rare that you hear I am an IDF combat soldier, I AM there. This is my experience, this is my life (the beautiful Israeli film Beaufort is a good example, but described experiences from the end of the first Lebanon war). You often hear, for instance, the story of the Palestinian detained at a checkpoint, but you dont hear the first hand story of the soldier manning the post.
Hell, even I was reluctant to do this, taking a long time to decide to write this down. Forgetting for a moment operational security issues, recalling some things can be
well, quite emotional and disturbing. However, within a few months, and for the next little while after, my unit will be stationed outside Gaza with a possibility of war in the near future with Hezbollah. Its a distinct possibility some of us will not come back, and it is most likely that politicians will grand-stand, activists will scream, televisions will blare and the world will be bombarded as events unfold . I decided, therefore, that someone should try to make our voices, those of the grunts, rise above this din and be heard, to make sure people realize that we too are human.
And if nobody was going to do it, then I would.
Now, my ass has been in a lot of interesting places, during some pretty interesting times. I was in Hebron when two special forces soldiers were killed, and I was rocked gently to sleep by the sounds of gunfire and explosions. I had a barbeque in Ramallah, after accidently halting a massive, area-wide reserve exercise. I played an intricate game of cat and mouse with a fat Syrian shepherd and his surveillance equipment on the Golan, and I posed for pictures with a nice group of Koreans who recognized my buddy from his time playing basketball there.
For my first post, though, I thought it would be most appropriate to recall my first ever duty: manning a checkpoint. I was fresh out of basic training and, like any chong (extreme rookie in Hebrew, lit. translation Gerber-drooling baby) eager to do my duty and feel like a real soldier.
(Pausing in retrospect, I believe the army enjoys making this their soldiers first tour, as nothing crushes the eager, idealistic young spirit of a good soldier more than the extreme physical discomfort and soul-crushing boredom of a checkpoint. The Israeli military's first duty is to protect the Jewish people; its second duty, naturally, is to make the life of its combat soldiers as uncomfortable, disenchanting and humiliating as it can, budget allowing. This makes sense, as a depressed soldier will eat less shitty canned meat, thereby saving money and allowing the military to spend more of its resources investigating why so few of todays youth volunteer to become combat soldiers.)
I was driven from my base with my squad of seven to a remote Border Police compound outside of East Jerusalem. Being a new immigrant, I had no idea the antipathy that existed between the IDF, which is army, and the Border Police (Magav), who are not. As we arrived to the catcalls of yallah, chayaaaaliiiim, (lets go sollllldiers), my commander explained to us:
Magav is not the IDF. They operate with their own rules and their own culture. They are police, not soldiers. They do things
differently.
And different they are. Your average infantryman in Israel is a fit fighting machine, who is trained to run and march for kilometers on all-kinds of terrain with nearly a hundred pounds of crap loaded into an overstuffed backpack. As such we resemble, in physique, distance runners. Your Magavnik, on the other hand, is a guarding machine, who is trained to deal with hundreds of people trying to crowd and shove their way across borders. As such they resemble, in physique, ambulating fire-hydrants.
My Magav partner was Yuri, a Russian immigrant and wannabe dental technician. He hated the Magav, hated his commander and, most of all, hated his job. He had wanted to be in Golani, an infantry brigade, since he was a kid, but with low intelligence scores he had been sent to be a border cop after his induction interview. For two years he had manned his post, in the same areas, in the same shifts, taking the same crap from the same people. It was little wonder that the highlight of his day was when he could knock off and download dirty Russian pornography for a bit.
It may surprise many here to know that the famous Israeli checkpoints are, being more akin to ramshackle border crossings than Nazi detention centers, the most boring places on earth. Israeli Arabs, Jews (yes, Jews) and Palestinians come, present either their IDs or travel permits, are searched for weapons and drugs, checked against a report of wanted terrorists in the area, and set on their way. Its simple, if you have papers you can pass. If not, then you can not. God help you if you try and forge them.
If youre a Palestinian and you want to go to Israel, you apply to your local government officer, who contacts the Israelis on your behalf. If you have a reason, say visiting a relative, or have a job, usually youll get in. If you have a criminal record, dont have a good reason or are affiliated with known terrorists, then you probably wont. People believe its some kind of racist policy that guides Israel, and that getting a permit can take a very long time. Its the opposite, in fact; too many permits have been issued allowing Palestinians to work in Israel, often to the very people were trying to keep out, causing the stereotypical long lines and headache of the checkpoint.
It is also a belief that checkpoints are hellholes. This statement is most definately true. But they are also hellacious for the soldiers manning them, as I can personally attest. My typical shift was 12 hours long, in the sun, on my feet, wearing 15 pound front/back ceramic armour, a Kevlar flak jacket, combat webbing loaded with full magazines, a helmet and my rifle. In 100+ degree heat.
At any given day, I had to deal with hundreds of similarly hot and tired people who were irritated that they had to stand in line for hours. Now, most people were just trying to get across, and I sympathize. Many people were quite polite about it, handing me their IDs and we tried to get them moving along quickly.
Some people, mainly the dim-witted testosterone-fuelled adolescents egged on by their buddies (who, it must be said, were themselves well past the checkpoint and quite safe) would hurl abuse and insults, holding up the line and knowing full well that technically it was illegal for us to give them the righteous ass-kicking they so justly deserved (although in one clear case, one such genius who had pushed his way past an old man to get into the line and took great delight and valuable time in tormenting Yuri by calling him many different insults relating to a camels vagina, forgot that he had a switchblade in his pocket, leading to an interesting interview with a large Magavnik that left him a little shaken when it was over).
There are those who try and ingratiate themselves, much like a used car salesman (same smile in fact, must be a cross cultural adaptation), to you and bypass the others by cutting ahead. They would not like you to confuse them with those animals because they, having made money, are inherently better and cannot be treated like the poor. They may even try to bribe you, which is even more offensive. The best solution is to keep sending them to the back of the line to wait it out while those poor dogs go first.
And then there are the terrorists, or wannabe terrorists. In my time, I saw knives stuffed in dolls, guns stuffed into the skinned carcasses of dead goats (laid bloody in the backseat of a Renault guess who had to dig through that, yeah thats right: me), ammunition or explosives in medical supply boxes, and a Red Cross ambulance whose patient was a wanted terrorist who sprinted away like a champion the second it stopped. Its because of these people we had to check every damn car, package and person on some days. Its because of them that passing through a checkpoint can take many hours of waiting in the sun, and its because of them that we occasionally close off checkpoints, not allowing people to pass at all, inconveniencing everyone.
The worst and most vivid arrest Yuri and I made occurred after a usual call up to a fence area. Some local kids were chucking rocks at construction workers and maintenance men (the very same cute lil tykes that make such good pictures on the front of the New York Times) and had injured two in the process, putting one in the hospital with a lost eye. We were sent to make sure that didnt happen again and faced a long boring day of standing around. I asked Yuri what the deal with the holes in the fence were, he told me that essentially every week they keep finding new small holes in the fence and that he assumed that the kids were trying to rip it down. Makes sense, I thought.
For about five hours nothing much happened, so six hours in we went on break to go get some iced drinks at the checkpoint down the street. When we came back, a bunch of young kids were ripping and tearing at the fence. We chased them, but the distance combined with our heavy gear allowed them to outrun us. Contrary to popular belief, soldiers DONT have shoot-to-kill authorization.
Seeing where they had gone and angered by the burst blisters on his feet, Yuri decided we would follow them into their village and arrest them. I nodded but pointed out the fundamental flaws in his logic. For one, the two of us charging into an Arab village, conducting an unapproved counter terror operation, and bursting into some unknown house without significant backup or prior intelligence didnt seem like the West Point thing to do. I suggested, instead that we go back, take cover and see if they return later. Grudgingly, Yuri accepted, and we hid in some bushes.
Some time later, the kids returned. However, they were followed by an adult male. He took position, ironically in the abandoned police lookout, and busied himself ordering the kids about. We arrested him and brought him back to the checkpoint where he was checked out for priors. Out popped a few: weapons possession, weapons smuggling, attempting to cross a border without a permit, etc., etc., etc. Apparently he had these kids tearing holes in fences, not for the political photo-ops that certain Western activists just eat up with a spoon, but to allow the kids to crawl through and smuggle weapons. The fact that they could easily be arrested or even killed running a checkpoint with weaponry didnt seem to bother him, and I hope hes rotting in a cell somewhere getting anally violated by a big man named Ahmed
which doesnt really bother me.
In the end, my happiest time manning the checkpoint was when it was over. It was likely one of the most difficult jobs I have done so far in the army, definitely trial by fire, and I often use it to summon inner strength when faced with a difficult mission. What I would want people to take away from this post would probably be that there are two sides to the infamous checkpoints, that its not just random humiliation and brutality on the part of Israeli soldiers and that, while these things do exist (as do less-publicized instances of great compassion and mercy), they usually arise due to conflict between two hot, exhausted and tired peoples that just want an ice cold drink and to go home.
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Asshole Fuckface Roundup #42
Welcome. Are you prepared to read about this weeks worst human beings on the face of the Earth? Some people cant handle it. Last week was a prime example. So, if you cant back your shit up now. Over the hundreds of years my people have been doing the Asshole Fuckface Roundup, many weak people have come to understand it is too intense for their baby pants. After the first Asshole Fuckface of all time, Jan Pieterszoon Coen, was revealed, many people cried like children.
In 1621, Jan Pieterszoon Coen was the newly appointed Dutch governor-general of The Banda Islands. Coen forced the leading citizens, called the orang kava, to sign a treaty at gunpoint. The treaty was structured so that the orang kava could not hold up their end. Once a couple of violations were noted, Coen massacred the Bandanese as punishment. He hired Japanese mercenaries, who cut off the heads of forty orang kava and displayed their heads on spears. Then they went about massacring the locals.
When Coen began the massacre, there were around 13,000 people living on Banda. By the time the massacre was finished, only 1,000 Bandanese were left. They all became slaves. Turns out the Dutch needed a few Bandanese as laborers because of their expertise in nutmeg cultivation. Ever since The Banda Massacre, my people have been pointing out Asshole Fuckfaces, so you can know whom to hate. Its not pretty, so put on your rubber raincoat and prepare yourself for the worst of the worst.
My first Asshole Fuckface is a "performance artist." Normally I detest the use of quotes to undermine someone's trade, but in this case it is very appropriate.
Meet Jonathan Yegge. Hes a 24-year-old student at the San Francisco Art Institute, who apparently confuses art with being a complete moron. Last week, one of his professors, Tony Labat, asked Yegge to enlighten his fellow performance art students with a piece. Yegge hatched a brilliant idea.
First he asked for a volunteer from the class. Then he had the poor bastard sign a contract saying he agreed to participate in a performance piece that would include sexual and violent acts. Now, obviously the volunteer is a fucking moron. But that does not excuse what happened next.
Yegge led the volunteer out into a campus public area, in front of Labat's class and anyone else who happened by
"He was tied up. He had a blindfold and a gag, but he could see and talk through it. He had freedom of movement of his pelvis," Yegge says, by way of defending his piece. "I engaged in oral sex with him and he engaged in oral sex with me. I had given him an enema, and I had taken a shit and stuffed it in his ass. That goes on, he shits all over me, I shit in him. There was a security guard present. There was an instructor from the school present. It was videoed, and the piece was over."
First of all, I didnt even know you could take a shit and shove it in someone elses ass. Congrats on breaking new ground, so to speak. You really took shit to a new level. Fantastic. You know who would have loved this? Michelangelo. He always wanted to blow a dude, give him an enema and then cram his shit into the dudes anus while in The Sistine Chapel.
Apparently the volunteer is a little bummed.
"He was pissed off, as he should be," says Ryan Castaneda, a friend of the volunteer. "He felt he was being violated. He just didn't think this was cool."
Uh, saying this was not cool is the understatement of the year. The volunteer complained to school officials because another student shoved shit into his asshole. Man, I miss college!
Yegge is now on academic probation and is no longer allowed to have public sex on campus.
"If I have to not have sex on campus anymore, they'd better put that in the student handbook, and then we can decide whether that's an appropriate rule or not," says Yegge. "I mean, I'm on probation, and I can't have sex on campus, and anyone else can."
Way to get the point. Youre more of an Asshole Fuckface than I thought. Also, youre not very good at sex.
Professor Labat was not impressed with the art.
"It was plain bad art," says Labat. "This was irresponsible in any context. It made me wonder why anyone would want to do a story about it. Why would anyone be interested in anything as basic as that? Nobody should be interested in that."
Really? You dont know why anyone would want to do a story on public blow job/enema/shit fest? Have you ever met another human being?
Labat also neglected to mention that Yegge explaining the piece to him before it was performed. Oh, and he sat and watched it being performed. Im going to take a wild guess and say that blowing a dude, giving him an enema, then shoving you shit into his ass takes a little while. Probably long enough to stop it.
The school is now, obviously, concerned about a lawsuit. Oh, and the volunteers mom is a judge.
Next up, Israeli Asshole Fuckfacery.
Jimmy Carter announced last week that he was going to meet with Hamas in an attempt to gauge the group's willingness to accept Arab peace overtures. Its the kind of thing one might do if they want peace. You actually dont get peace by never talking to your enemy. Crazy, huh?
Shin Bet is the Israeli security force that helps to protect visiting dignitaries. But they decided to take a pass on protecting Carter.
Israel's secret service declined to assist U.S. agents guarding former U.S. President Jimmy Carter during a visit in which Israeli leaders shunned him over his plans to meet Hamas, U.S. sources said on Monday.
"They're not getting support from local security," one of the sources said, on condition of anonymity.
Bold move. Really taking a stance there. Should work out great for you if Carter gets killed.
Carter pissed off Israelis when he described Israels policy in the occupied territories as "a system of apartheid" in a book two years ago. And then he says he wants to meet with Hamas. So, obviously he should die.
Sadly for Israel, Carter survived the meeting yesterday.
Maybe next time, huh?
Next up, Australia reveals past Asshole Fuckfacery.
This week we learned that that the Australian government performed some heinous acts on aboriginal children during the '20s and '30s. Australia is holding a Senate inquiry this week to determine how to compensate the stolen generation of aboriginal kids who were taken from their families and placed with whites. Now we find out they also used the kids as guinea pigs and injected them with leprosy serums. Thats some "Class A" Asshole Fuckfacery.
Ms. Mills said children held at a compound in Darwin were injected with serums designed to be used in the treatment of leprosy a practice which seriously damaged their health. Her uncle, who worked there as a medical orderly, had told her about the sinister goings-on.
"He said it made our people very, very ill. The treatment almost killed them," she told reporters outside the hearing. "It was a common experience and a common practice."
Come on, how else were they supposed to find a cure for white people?
Many in Australia dont believe the accusation and records to support the claim may be difficult to obtain mostly because they contain information about using aboriginals as human guinea pigs. Whos going to leave that lying around or dig it up?
Australias health minister has ordered an investigation into the claim. Good luck with that.
My final Asshole Fuckface has the worst alibi of all time.
Things have not been going well for the Republican commissioner of Cumberland County in Pennsylvania lately. Late last month, Bruce Barclay was accused of rape by another man. That isnt the kind of thing that the religious right expects.
Bruce was forced to retire and was fighting to keep his ass out of prison. Thankfully, he had made tapes of himself fucking tons and tons of dudes. All with hidden cameras. Yay!
On March 31st, police, investigating the allegation of rape by the 20-year-old Marshall McCurdy, obtained a warrant to search Barclay's home. They didn't find evidence of rape. But they did find videotapes of hundreds of sexual encounters with men that Barclay had filmed on high-tech surveillance cameras.
Turns out Bruce was hiring prostitutes from Harrisburgfratboys.com and then banging them on camera without their knowledge. I like to call that Thursday night, myself.
The cameras were hidden inside AM/FM radios, motion detectors and intercom speaker systems, among other places.
Thankfully, one of the illegal tapes showed the rape accuser engaging is consensual sex. Take that?
On April 10th, the rape charges were dropped. One of the videos found during the search showed Barclay and McCurdy engaging in apparently consensual sex.
No rape charges! Ha! But now Bruce may be facing privacy violations and promoting prostitution charges. And the rape accuser is looking at three years in jail for making false reports to police.
So, its a happy ending for everyone.
Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You each win a FearTheReaper cape!
Asshole Fuckface Roundup #34
After so many Asshole Fuckface Roundups, you deserve to know the identity of the very first Asshole Fuckface. It was not one man, but two. The Harpe brothers, Micajah "Big" and Wiley "Little", crossed the border from Tennessee into Kentucky in 1798 and promptly tore the state a new anus. They immediately let the populace know of their intentions by capturing a little girl and smashing her head against the side of a bridge until she died. Over the next couple of years they tied a man to a blindfolded horse and pushed them off a cliff, slit a babies throat for crying, slit the mothers throat when she found the baby, killed many travelers for their money and Micajah even smashed his own baby's head in for crying.
Wiley was captured and hung on a trail in 1799. Micajah was captured in 1804 and had his head sawed off on the spot. The head was then placed on the branch of a tree at the intersection of three roads as a warning to other outlaws. The Harpes were declared the first Asshole Fuckfaces, and since that day my people have scoured the Earth to bring forth the Asshole Fuckfaces and metaphorically put their head on a stick. Each week, I pour through the news and present them to you, so that you may feel sickened. So, put on your favorite tarp, this is going to be ugly.
Its difficult for some Asshole Fuckfaces to not confuse plate tectonics with Gods anger at homosexuality.
Meet Israeli MP, Shlomo Benizri. Id like to pause here to point out that this dudes name is actually Shlomo. Now, Im going to move on. Shlomo is a member of the very conservative Orthodox Jewish Shas Party and believes the best way to represent his party is by being an Asshole Fuckface.
Israel experienced two rather strong earthquakes last week, and four more in November and December. Turns out they were caused by gays, according to the man named Shlomo.
Mr. Benizri made his comments while addressing a committee of the Israeli parliament, or Knesset, about the country's readiness for earthquakes.
He called on lawmakers to stop "passing legislation on how to encourage homosexual activity in the state of Israel, which anyway brings about earthquakes".
That is some serious ass fucking. Youve got some major pelvic abilities if your thrusting hips can cause faults to shift. Seriously, worry more about the dude on the other end of that pounding than the resulting earthquake, because Im betting hes got one fucked up anus today.
Oh, and last week Israel's attorney general ruled same-sex couples could adopt. Why not just ask for a Tsunami?
Next up, an Asshole Fuckface connects Obama to communism because his father is black. Seriously.
Its hard to be a moron and to have to write articles. Sometimes your insane right wing hatred merges with your racist nuttery and the vilest bullshit spills forth from your vacant skull. This week Lisa Schiffren provided us with a beautiful example and she was actually able to link to others who share her delusion.
It seems Barack Obamas father may have been a communist because he was a black man who married a white woman. Lisa actually made that argument and didn't kill herself afterwards.
And yet, all of my mixed race, black/white classmates throughout my youth, some of whom I am still in contact with, were the product of very culturally specific unions. They were always the offspring of a white mother, (in my circles, she was usually Jewish, but elsewhere not necessarily) and usually a highly educated black father. And how had these two come together at a time when it was neither natural nor easy for such relationships to flourish? Always through politics. No, not the young Republicans. Usually the Communist Youth League. Or maybe a different arm of the CPUSA. But, for a white woman to marry a black man in 1958, or 60, there was almost inevitably a connection to explicit Communist politics.
As if thats not bad enough, Lisa actually sifts through the shit she produced and picks out pieces of corn to eat. Deeper and deeper into a pit of Asshole Fuckfacery she goes, spiraling out of control with no understanding of her heinous ignorance.
Political correctness was invented precisely to prevent the mainstream liberal media from persuing the questions which might arise about how Senator Obama's mother, from Kansas, came to marry an African graduate student. Love? Sure, why not? But what else was going on around them that made it feasible?
Her idiotic point is actually so astounding that it is not even necessary to focus on the fact that she doesnt know how to spell Pursuing. Its not actually political correctness that prevents one for pursuing the reasons a white woman would marry a black man. Its having a soul, which Lisa does not. This is all, of course, pure speculation on Lisas part because she admits a key piece of no evidence.
I don't know how Barack Obama's parents met.
Then why the fuck are you writing about it, you Asshole Fuckface? Shut your clown hole, you are embarrassing words.
Next up an Asshole Fuckface who drives drunk, drives drunk.
Meet Daniel Corbett, 56, of Spring Brook, Pennsylvania. Danny likes to fucking party, fucking party. On Wednesday he blew it out, blew it out. At 1:40 am, Danny was pulled over by Spring Brook police under suspicion of driving under the influence.
Mr. Corbett was pulled over at 1:40 a.m. at the intersection of state routes 307 and 690 in Spring Brook Township for suspicion of DUI, according to a news release by investigating Trooper Richard Bozym. He was taken to CMC for a blood-alcohol test and released to the custody of his sister, who took his keys, according to the release.
You better do better than just taking away the keys of Double Danny, if you want to stop the party, stop the party.
At 5:55 a.m., state police were dispatched to a crash at the intersection of state Routes 307 and 502 in Covington Township, after a 1996 Toyota Corrolla driven by Mr. Corbett northbound on Route 307 struck a southbound loader that was in the turning lane, according to the release.
Police did not release Double Dannys blood alcohol levels, but I pray to God he was drunker for the second one. Itll be a great story to tell at his first AA meeting.
Next up, two Asshole Fuckfaces ruin cake.
I enjoy cake very much. I wish I could fuck it and eat it, but society forbids my sweet desires. Yet, society always treats cake well. Until now. Two English Asshole Fuckfaces, who own the Italiano Pizzeria in Cardiff City, may have committed the worst crime against cake in the history of mankind.
A customer purchased a chocolate cake from the restaurant, but thought it didnt smell quite right. Now, a true cake eater would never let a strange smell stop him from eating cake, so he dove right in. But it also didnt taste quite right, so he turned the cake over to public health scientists.
Subsequent examination by the public analyst and national public health service laboratories confirmed the presence of fecal matter.
There were bits of it all over the top of the cake.
We cannot say for definite what kind of fecal matter it is, although it is very likely it was human. It would have to go through a DNA test for us to know for absolutely sure.
Death penalty, please, for crimes against cake.
Shop owners Saeed Hasmi, 25, and Jan Yadgari, 23, were fined £1,500 for selling food unfit for human consumption.
Uh, no. Dont you island people have jails? Or guillotines? Kill the Asshole Fuckfaces for this heinous crime committed against cake.
The pair admitted the charge but did not say how the chocolate cake was contaminated.
Im okay with not knowing that information. The two no longer own the Pizzeria. The new owner does not serve cakes with shit frosting.
Finally, the Asshole Fuckfaces at Fox News get an obligatory nod.
Fox News loves to take polls, using some of the worst questions known to mankind. It is to be expected, as Fox News is not actually a news organization but an Asshole Fuckface distorter of facts. The latest Fox poll examined the presidential candidates.
According the poll, Barack Obama would barely beat John McCain in a general election match up, while Hillary Clinton would lose to McCain. The number of people who claim they would never vote for Hillary has risen, while the number of people who say they would definitely vote for Obama has increased. And there's more!
In addition, more voters say they would feel "enthusiastic" if Obama wins the presidency (22 percent) than would feel that way if Clinton (18 percent) or McCain wins (9 percent).
And more would be "scared" if Clinton were to become the next president (24 percent) than if Obama (17 percent) or McCain does (14 percent).
Scared? A presidential poll that actually uses the word "scared?" Really? Can they do worse than this? Why, yes they can, because they are the Fox AF Organization. For instance, a question about how Osama bin Laden feels about the election.
Who is Usama Rooting For?
Who does Usama bin Laden want to be the next president? More people think the terrorist leader wants Obama to win (30 percent) than think he wants Clinton (22 percent) or McCain (10 percent). Another 18 percent says it doesnt matter to bin Laden and 20 percent are unsure
Hey, I just barfed in my mouth! Id like to thank the 38% of Americans who didnt answer the most Asshole Fuckfacish poll question of all time. The rest of you are morons.
Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You each get a FearTheReaper engraved money belt.
Condi Rice Finally Gets A Nickname: Useless
I think anyone with a brain can agree that Condoleezza Rice has been about as useless and ineffective as any previous Secretary of State. Feel free to tell me one important thing she has accomplished. Ill wait. Be right over there.
Well, she did manage to help start a disastrous war. That was pretty impressive, I guess. Recently Fred Kaplan of Slate called Rice out as the worst National Security Advisor in the history of the White House and that includes Walt Rostow! (I dont know anything about Walt, but I disagree with his name)
And you didnt think anyone could possibly ever be worse than Walt. You were wrong. Anybody ever think of Rice's great work during the build up to the war? Not so much. It was all Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld when it came to the planning, or lack there of. Condi was invisible. I dont know what the fuck she did, except occasionally whisper in Georges ear what a Shiite was, which didn't take anyway.
Then she moved to the State Department and took over as Secretary of State. I thought, What the fuck? Besides being totally useless at her previous job, what had she ever done to deserve such an important position? Fortunately, our president does not worry about who is deserving of official positions.
Well, she has had the job now for three years and, uh, I dont know what she is trying to accomplish. I read the news everyday, lots and lots of it. I see Condi making trips to different countries, but I really dont know what she is trying to accomplish on these trips, other than to tell foreign leaders that the war is going great and to describe the awesomeness of Democracy. Meanwhile, everything she touches turns to shit.
By 2006, the dreams of '05 had dissolved into nightmares. Iraq's elections had only deepened its sectarian fissures; Ukraine's reformers retreated into a glum compromise with their Moscow-backed foes; Syria's withdrawal from Lebanon left a vacuum that the Shiite radicals of Hezbollah eagerly filled; and elections in the Palestinian territories, which Rice had insisted upon, were won by the Islamist militants of Hamas.
And Israel went to war with an Arab nation for the first time in 24 years. Hezbollah emerged from the war as the big winner. These are all great signs of Rices incredible understanding of the world.
Now she is trying to pull off one last score to salvage a terrible legacy. America is sponsoring a Middle East peace conference, which is fucking idiotic considering we have started two preemptive wars in the past six years. Actually, the conference has been downgraded to a meeting. It is embarrassing that Rice would think that she has any credibility at all.
Israeli and American officials have been so busy dampening expectations that they are not even calling the event a conference anymore, instead referring to it merely as a meeting.
Condi has been taking many trips to the region, but achieving little. She has even had a new Hebrew word created because of her actions.
The long buildup to Annapolis, together with Ms. Rices many trips to the region, have given birth to a new verb in Israeli government circles: lecondel, meaning, to come and go for meetings that produce few results. The word is based on Ms. Rices first name.
Case closed. That is so fucking pathetic it is amazing. The woman is so lame that she has a verb named after her that basically means, Getting nothing done. Now that is a legacy.
Hezbollah East: Baghdad
Hezbollah was started in 1982 by a group of Muslim clerics, with a lot of help from Iran, after Israel invaded Lebanon. Iranian Revolutionary guards were sent to Lebanon to create a militia that would resist the Israeli occupation. Now 25 years later, we get to watch the exact same circumstances create the exact same radical political and military organization, but this time in Iraq.
Iran is certainly funding Shiites in Iraq. Why shouldnt they? Their greatest enemy, the US, is constantly banging the war drums. The only logical and smart path for Iran to take is to set up another Hezbollah type organization in Iraq. They have certainly learned from their mistakes in Lebanon and will know how to implement a plan that will win over the locals quickly.
Hezbollah gained favor with many Lebanese by providing social services that the government was unable to provide. The US invasion and pathetically planned occupation of Iraq has created the perfect environment for a new Hezbollah to rise out of the chaos and win over the locals. In the '80s Hezbollah provided desperately needed social services, hospitals, schools, along with radio and TV stations. They basically provided the basics to build a society, something the US has not done in Baghdad.
According to CBS News, a Hezbollah type organization is taking root in Iraq. The Mahdi Army has always been a problem for the US. The smart, brutal and radical Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr is their leader. Much of our fighting in Baghdad has been against the Mahdi Army. They rule a slum and the street fighting can be quite dangerous. But now it seems they have stopped fighting, and that is not a good sign.
Those in the movement have shifted from gunmen to Iraq's equivalent of men in suits.
Last week, US ambassador Ryan Crocker warned that Sadrs men were taking over businesses, like gas stations and other basic services, in Shiite neighborhoods. They are beginning to use control over necessities and social services as their main weapon.
The move suggests what Crocker called a "Hezbollahzation" of parts of Iraq, a reference to an emphasis on social networks as a base of strength that has been the hallmark of Hezbollah in Lebanon.
Now the US finds itself in a delicate situation. To attack the Mahdi Army will be to attack those giving basic services to the people. Whoever wins the support of the street, wins the war.
"If they arrest people who are Mahdi Army but who are not doing military things, people will not like them for it," said one resident of a neighborhood where the Americans are trying to crack down. The sweeps also tend to collect suspects regardless of age.
But the US is doing exactly that, in an attempt to find the bad guys. So, one day maybe we pick up the guy who was delivering medicine to sick people, or the guy who supplies clean water, or the mechanic who fixes your car. Maybe we destroy a building some insurgents run into and it turns out to be a medical clinic. This is a situation built for our failure. We dont understand the culture or the language. Iran and Sadr do.
Looking back on the invasion, this should have seemed so obvious when the looting was going on, as our soldiers stood around and watched. They were not given orders to stop the looting of the entire country. Hospitals, offices, schools; everything was torn apart and carted off. Iraqs entire infrastructure was demolished in a month. Not enough soldiers on the ground meant massive security problems. Nearly every choice the Bush administration made in Iraq was the wrong one. Now, out of the chaos will rise an organization that can provide help and its not the USA. It is a radical Islamic cleric, with support from Iran.
It turns out one country had very shrewd leaders and another one was full of idiots. Too bad the idiots have all the planes and bombs.
Condi Rice Celebrates Irony
Condoleezza Rice was having an irony blow out yesterday as she traveled the world and babbled from her mouth. Our Secretary of State decided to criticize Vladimir Putins power grab and to tell Israel not to mess up the peace process. This coming from a woman whose boss seems to think diplomacy is evil and his presidential power is above all other branches of government. Bush is the ultimate unitary president, which means Condi should shut her pie hole when it comes to criticizing other countries democracies.
How the fuck she could make these statements about Putin with a straight face is amazing.
In any country, if you don't have countervailing institutions, the power of any one president is problematic for democratic development.
I think there is too much concentration of power in the Kremlin. I have told the Russians that. Everybody has doubts about the full independence of the judiciary.
Uh, hey lady, does that sound familiar to you at all? Seems you just described a fella named George W. Bush. He is actually your boss. Ever hear of the Department of Justice scandal? Read about any of his judicial appointments lately? Recall the 2000 Supreme Court decision that put him in office?
Earlier, Rice said she hoped the efforts of rights activists would promote universal values of "the rights of individuals to liberty and freedom, the right to worship as you please, and the right to assembly, the right to not have to deal with the arbitrary power of the state."
You should read this thing called the Patriot Act. It sort of undermines liberty and freedom here in the US. The "Right to assembly?" I guess that is why your boss has been using "protest zones" to keep anyone who disagrees with him far, far away. And I would consider warrantless wiretapping an arbitrary power of state, by the way. Same goes for kidnapping people off of streets around the world and detaining them without charges for as long as we like.
Does Putin deserve to be criticized? Yeah. Should it come from anyone working in the Bush administration? Fuck no. The White House lost that right long ago.
Thankfully, Condi wasnt done making an ass out of herself yet. Rice arrived in Israel today, in a pathetic attempt to get the peace process going. Kind of odd for a woman who helped start a pre-emptive war based on false information to think she can talk peace. But healthy shame has never been a part of the Bush White House.
Responding to a question about Israeli confiscation of Arab land last week, Ms. Rice told reporters on the plane to Tel Aviv the timing of the move had been too sensitive.
"The point that I will be making is that we have to be very careful as we are trying to move toward the establishment of a Palestinian state about actions and statements that erode confidence," Ms Rice said.
Oh, yeah. Youre the expert on avoiding actions that might lead to conflict. When I think of Condi Rice, I think of white doves, peace and happiness. She certainly isnt a liar. She definitely didnt have a hand in selling false information to the American public. And she has always been about the truth and peace.
Taking The Jew Hating Desmond Tutu Down a Notch
In April, members of the Justice and Peace Studies program at the University of St. Thomas in Minnesota booked a major speaker: Archbishop and Nobel Laureate Desmond Tutu. Tutu was scheduled to speak at PeaceJam International, which is obviously the lamest name that anyone could have come up with. But people were still excited, until the school told them Tutu would not be allowed to speak because it might upset a few Minnesota Jews.
St. Thomas administratorsconcerned that Tutu's appearance might offend local Jewstold organizers that a visit from the archbishop was out of the question.
Wow, wouldnt want to offend anyone. Not here in America, anyway. You know, the country in which Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad just spoke at Columbia University and everyone was allowed to speak his or her mind. Seemed like a terrific example of our free speech rights that we hold dear in America. The school vice president attempted to explain why he is an asshole.
"We had heard some things he said that some people judged to be anti-Semitic and against Israeli policy," says Doug Hennes, St. Thomas's vice president for university and government relations. "We're not saying he's anti-Semitic. But he's compared the state of Israel to Hitler and our feeling was that making moral equivalencies like that are hurtful to some members of the Jewish community."
We heard some things, but, but hes not anti-Semitic. Hes a
good guy
who
ah
said Israel was like
ah..Hitler. Note Hennes' quote,
and against Israeli policy.
What a great reason to forbid an archbishop from speaking. Lets just call this what it is: The stifling of free speech by the Jewish lobby. Groups like the Zionist Organization of America and the Anti-Defamation League have attacked Tutu for his criticism of Israeli policies because of a speech he gave in 2002. Lets check how he compared Israel to Hitler, shall we?
First of all, the speech was originally called, Occupation is Oppression, but Tutu decided to change it.
I would like to change that to "Give Peace a Chance, for Peace is Possible"; for we are bearers of hope.
What a fucking asshole. I already am enraged at his obvious anti-Semitic nonsense. Carry on, Jew hater.
People are scared in this country [the U.S.] to say wrong is wrong because the Jewish lobby is powerful very powerful. Well, so what? This is Gods world. For goodness sake, this is Gods world! We live in a moral universe. The apartheid government was very powerful, but today it no longer exists. Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Pinochet, Milosovic, and Idi Amin were all powerful, but in the end they bit the dust.
Injustice and oppression will never prevail. Those who are powerful have to remember the litmus test that God gives to the powerful: What is your treatment of the poor, the hungry, the voiceless? And on the basis of that, God passes judgment.
So, there it is. Desmond Tutu comparing Israel to Hitler. Or, no wait, he didnt AT ALL. Is it possible for the Jewish Lobby and University to be bigger cunts? I submit it is not. And Im sure their decision also has nothing to do with the fact that Tutu will be giving a speech in Boston this October at a conference called: "The Apartheid Paradigm in Palestine-Israel: Issues of Justice and Equality."
You know your policies are on solid ground when you cant handle criticism from an archbishop. Nothing like stiffling free speech to make people see things your way.
One professor at St. Thomas, Marv Davidov, was not pleased with the decision.
As a Jew who experienced real anti-Semitism as a child, I'm deeply disturbed that a man like Tutu could be labeled anti-Semitic and silenced like this. I deeply resent the Israeli lobby trying to silence any criticism of its policy. It does a great disservice to Israel and to all Jews.
And as if telling Desmond Tutu to fuck off wasnt enough, Cris Toffolo, chair of the Peace Studies program was demoted for telling Tutu that he would not be allowed to speak and that he could be subjected to a smear campaign.
This is pure bullshit," says Davidov. "As far as fighting for civil rights, I consider Tutu to be my brother. And I consider Cris Toffolo to be my sister. They're messing with my family here. If Columbia permits a Holocaust denier [Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad] to speak at their university, why are St. Thomas officials refusing to let Tutu, an apostle of nonviolence, speak at ours?"
I think the word you are looking for, Professor Davidov, is pussies. Everyone who had a hand in this decision should hold their heads high, for they have stopped the evil Desmond Tutu from speaking.
Worst Place To Be A Nazi
Israel has an immigration law called the Law of Return. It allows anyone with at least one Jewish grandparent to become a citizen. I think we have found a major flaw in the Law of Return. Not everybody knows or likes their grandparent, and some may even hate their grandparent. Also, some people are total fucking morons.
Take the young lads who immigrated to Israel from the former Soviet Union. They started this little Nazi club, which is ironic because Israel was founded because of worldwide Jewish persecution and this little thing called the holocaust started by some guys called Nazis. The club has some fun outings which they videotaped.
One video shows gang members surrounding a Russian drug addict as he admits to being a Jew. The youths then order him onto his knees to beg for forgiveness for being Jewish and a drug addict before viciously beating not only him, but also another man who tries to intervene.
They roamed the streets, attacking homosexuals, Jews who wore a skullcap and drug addicts. They also desecrated a synagogue with graffiti of Nazi swastikas and Adolf Hitlers name. At their homes, police found Nazi uniforms, portraits of Adolf Hitler, knives, guns and TNT. All of the young Nazis, all between 16 and 21, have white supremacist tattoos.
Including the number 88, code for Heil Hitler because "H" is the eighth letter of the alphabet.
That is so cute. Do they also have a private handshake? You know you have pride in what you are doing when you have to hide your idols name in numerical code. I wonder if they giggle when they see the number 69.
Relatives of the Nazis claim the kids are not Nazis.
The suspects, including alleged ringleader Eli "Eli the Nazi" Boanitov, were brought to court, protesting their innocence. Outside the courtroom, Boanitov's mother said her son had done no wrong and was a victim of persecution of Russian immigrants.
Sadly, Elis nickname undermines her argument.
Israelis are now calling for changes to be made to the Law of Return. Some immigrants use the law to gain citizenship even if they do not practice Judaism. They only move for economic reasons. As far as the young Nazis are concerned, Interior Minister Meir Sheetrit and many others are demanding they have their citizenship revoked and are deported back to Russia.
Strategic Affairs Minister Avigdor Lieberman does not believe the Law of Return should be altered. And he wants to crack down down on Nazis.
First and foremost, we need to deal with the gang without compromise. It is an unacceptable phenomenon and we need eradicate it with an iron fist, without mercy.
Uh. Eradicate? I remember some guy used to use words like that..what was his name? I just cant seem to put my finger on it
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Israel Says Shalom to Hooters
Hanukkah's coming early for the men of Israel, as famous wing-and-girl joint Hooters will be opening their first restaurant in the Middle Eastern country.
"I strongly believe that the Hooters concept is something that Israelis are looking for," Ofer Ahiraz, who bought the Hooters franchise for Israel, told Reuters Monday. "Hooters can suit the Israeli entertainment culture."
The branch will open this summer in Tel Aviv, Israel's second largest city. A specific location has not been chosen, but he said it would not open restaurants near large religious populations.
And, for those of you that strictly follow the Kashrut, you're going to be disappointed; the restaurants won't be kosher.
With this planned opening (along with at least five more in Israel, according to Ahiraz), along with the other 430 restaurants in 23 countries, Hooters is coming even closer to achieving their goal of world domination:
The opening of Hooters in Israel is part of the chain's global expansion. Privately held Hooters said it planned to open 17 restaurants in Colombia, Dubai, Guam, New Zealand and India in the next two years.
This just goes to show that no matter what language we speak, we can all agree on one thing: We Love Boobies.
Israeli Ambassador Fired For Having An Awesome Party
Tzuriel Refael was promoted from an office position in the Israeli foreign ministry to Ambassador to El Salvador in 2006. At that point in time, Israel's Ambassador appointments were being criticized. A report by the state comptroller claimed the foreign ministry was not fully examining candidates.
Two weeks ago, Refael drove the point home when he was found on the embassy compound drunk, bound, gagged and naked. Police had to pop the ball gag out of his mouth so he could identify himself. We can assume it went something like this.
Hello, Im the Ambassador and Im a very bad boy
Israel has recalled Refael because of what the foreign ministry calls, behavior unbecoming of a diplomat. I think whatever an Ambassador does in his compound with some tequila, some rope, a ball gag, nipple clamps, a leather mask, a whip, a butt plug, cuffs, a leather paddle, anal beads, handcuffs, a cock ring, a collar, a harness, ankle restraints, a leash, a fist shaped dildo, a love sling, an enema kit, a strap on dildo, a straight jacket, a diaper, latex gloves and a three prong anal speculum, is his own business.
The incident has renewed calls for Israel to look its Ambassador appointment system. The foreign ministry confirmed that the reports are true but emphasized that Refael did not break any laws. They did not, however, say whether or not he achieved orgasm.
US Tells Israel To Shut The Fuck Up
The US has shut down any possibility of Israel and Syria holding peace talks. According to Israeli officials, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice was forceful that Israel desists from any exploratory contact with Damascus. Some in Israeli just wanted to find out if Syria is serious in its declared intention to hold peace talks.
But the US thinks holding any sort of talks with Syria would be considered a prize in Damascus, thereby solidifying the belief that the Bush administration conducts foreign policy like a four year old.
When Israeli officials asked Secretary Rice about the possibility of exploring the seriousness of Syria in its calls for peace talks, her response was unequivocal: Don't even think about it.
Damascus has recently tried to send messages to Israel through English nationals and former American diplomats. They have been attempting to cultivate ties with Israeli officials, but Israelis are split on whether or not to engage Syria in talks.
Some, like Mossad chief Meir Dagan, believe it is a Syrian propaganda campaign and insist Damascus is not serious. Which is a really good point, because could you imagine what would happen if they engaged Syria in talks and they were not serious? They would be exactly where they are now. Oh, the horror.
Israeli Military Intelligence, however, believes Syria is serious. But they do not believe it would be easy and that there is a good chance talks would fail. IM only wants to keep the door open and test Syria for its sincerity. Unfortunately that just cant happen because Bush and company thinks they would win something, or feel like they got a prize or a gift.
If Israel were to start talks to find out how serious Syria is about peace talks, the worst that could happen is would Israel find out Damascus was being untruthful. In that case, Israel would find itself in the exact position it is now; surrounded by enemies who are arming Hezbollah and Hamas.
How about someone start acting like a fucking adult?
Israel War Against Hezbollah Officially A Failure
The head of Israels Military Intelligence research division said that Hezbollah is militarily stronger today than before the war last summer. Brigadier General Yossi Baidatz was quoted by army radio after reporting to Israel parliament defense and foreign affairs committee. Hezbollah is said to be replenishing rockets launched or destroyed during the war.
"Hezbollah has reinforced and it is stronger today than it was before the war in Lebanon. Some of this ordnance has arrived, and some is still en route from Syria.
Israel attempted to destroy the Shiite militia in a 34-day attack on Lebanon last July and August, but failed to achieve its war aims. The failure has led to an official inquiry into the war's conduct. 4,000 Hezbollah rockets fell on Israel soil during the war, killing 40 civilians. An additional 120 Israeli soldiers died in the conflict. An estimated 1,200 people, mostly civilians who were minding their own business, died in Lebanon.
The architect of the failed war, Defense Minister Amir Peretz, quickly objected to Baidatzs statement. Peretz said the report is not about actual military force, but potential for acquiring weapons, or nuh uh.
"Power comes down to more than just counting rockets. Let's remember that Hezbollah's network of outposts has been demolished. It is not even at a quarter of its pre-war status."
Well, not according to you but Military Intelligence has another view. As does the Israeli Army, who said:
"Various weapons coming from Syria and Iran reach Hezbollah regularly... including types of armaments which they did not have in the past," but did not elaborate on the new weaponry.
Some committee members were upset that the intelligence officer and the defense minister were putting forth such contradictory statements.
MK Limor Livnat (Likud) said "I don't think it proper for the defense minister to correct the MI research chief."
MK Silvan Shalom (Likud) added that "if Hezbollah has become stronger it proves the war was a failure."
There it is! A Jewish guy said it! Hezbollah, youre the winner!
African Footballer Can't Play For Israel: Takes His Ball Home
Where's your passport? Kitchen drawer? Under the bed? Or maybe you just haven't gotten round to applying for one? But, hey, at least most of us can get hold of one. Even if you had to earn it, you'd think that if you were an athlete playing for your country, you'd have a shot, right? What if it isn't your country though?
Footballer Toto Tammuz can't get hold of a passport in Israel.
Tammuz, 18, has ten goals this season. In September he scored against Andorra and a month later, in a European Championship qualifier, he set up the equaliser in a 1-1 draw against Russia that makes the March 24 match crucial to the chances of both England and Israel of qualifying for the 2008 finals.
Tammuz was born in Nigeria to Christian parents and arrived in Israel with his father, Clement Temile, also a footballer, when he was 2. He was raised as a Jew, speaks fluent Hebrew, but has no nationality since he does not seek a Nigerian passport. He recently signed for Beitar Jerusalem and last week he scored two dazzling goals to help his league-topping team to beat the defending champions.
So with lashings of celebrity status but no defined legal status, Tammuz only ceased to be an illegal immigrant in December 2005 when he was granted a temporary residency permit in recognition of his outstanding abilities.
Unofficially adopted as a toddler, he petitioned the international governing body of football, FIFA, to allow him to play for the national team with his temporary residency. Tammuz could help Israel qualify for the European championships next month if he plays against England, which would lead to more money to flow into the country. But since he isn't being given a passport, he says he won't play.
Objectively, you could say he wasn't being that greedy yes, on the one hand, he wants to play in the English Premiership, where pay deals of $250,000 per week aren't unheard of but on the other hand, he wants to serve in the Army as part of Israel's national service, like other footballers have done before him.
Is it right? Should he be allowed to essentially hold the country ransom by not playing for the national team because they won't give him a passport? Or should he be made a special case, ignoring all of the other African illegal workers in the country in the same situation?
Natalie Portman Wants to Direct
Jerusalem-born Natalie Portman may be set to give directing a try. She's expressed interest in attaching herself to a possible film adaptation of A Tale of Love and Darkness, Amos Oz's memoir/family history.
A Tale of Love and Darkness describes Oz's upbringing in Jerusalem amid the fighting during which the Jewish state was founded. Israeli media said Portman was interested in playing Oz's mother, who committed suicide when the author was a youth.
Portman has met with Jerusalem Capital Studios to discuss both acting in and directing the project. A Tale of Love and Darkness is thought to be the biggest-selling literary work in Israeli history.
Religious Nutjob Roundup
Its Tuesday, which of course means its time for my weekly report about crazy religious happenings around the world.
First stop: Saudi Arabia. Where else would we start?
20 foreigners received sentences of several months in prison and lashings after they were convicted of attending a party where alcohol was served and men and women danced. The newspaper reporting the story did not give the foreigner's nationalities.
The prosecutor general charged the 20 with "drinking, arranging for impudent party, mixed dancing and shooting a video for the party."
Where is Kevin Bacon when you need him? Now onto Zanzibar!
Police in Zanzibar, which is somewhere near water and has a lot of lemurs, have banned women drivers from wearing veils. According to police, accidents increase when women wear a piece of clothing that obscures their vision. Accidents were at a record high of 680 last year. Its a fucking epidemic!
Muslims were, of course, not happy.
If they do not have anything to do, they could chase underage drivers, they could search for fake licenses and those who cheat on their insurance policies, said Asha Issa, covered in a veil as she leaned on her steering wheel.
This is going too far into my religion...The only person who could take the niqab from me is my husband, and he would not do so because he knows his obligation in Islam.
Good luck, sister! ! How about some action from Israel?
Canadian Miriam Shear was visiting Israel for religious study last November and decided to take a bus to the Old City to pray. She took a mehadrin bus, which was full of riders of the Haredi sect of Judaism. They live by a strict orthodox code, which means men and women do not touch unless they are married or closely related. Although there seems to be a loophole where men can beat women on a bus for being uppity.
Shear was told to move to the back of the bus by a man because he wanted her seat. She refused and pointed to several others nearby. Dude went apeshit. He screamed at her and spat on her. She spat back. No, you didnt.
For the next 20-minutes, she was slapped, thrown out of her seat onto the floor, beaten and kicked. Her wig fell off, which is a great shame for a married Haredi woman and her cheek was bruised.
Shear is now taking the Israel bus segregation policy to the Supreme Court. People view her lawsuit as a test case in balancing the rights of a minority's freedom of religion against the basic human rights of all.
And of course, the world's nuttiest religious freaks, the British.
A sermon by Abu Izzadeen that was made in 2004 at Londons Regents Park Mosque is making waves. The preacher called for all Muslims serving in the Army to be beheaded. The recording surfaced days after police uncovered a plot to kidnap and behead a 20-year-old British Muslim serving in the Army.
Whoever allies himself with the Kaffirs (non-believers) against the believers he is one of them. Remember the British Government, my dear Muslim brothers, are crusaders crusaders come to kill and rape Muslims. Whoever joins them he who joins the British Army, he who joins the American army he is a mortal Kaffir.
And his only hukum (punishment) is for his head to be removed. Indeed whoever changes his deen (Muslim code of life) kill him.
Izzadeen is currently in jail for inciting murder and race.
Maybe next Tuesday there will be another religious nutjob roundup. Or I might forget! Stay tuned!
Israel Not Settling for Current Solution in West Bank
The ink on the cease fire agreement between Israel and the Palestinians has barely been dry and already it seems to be coming apart. Palestinian rocket attacks, courtesy of Islamic Jihad, on Israel violate the terms of the agreement, though in all practicality the extent of the attacks has been limited, and the Palestinian government is having trouble controlling all of its militant factions to keep them within the limitations of the cease fire. Israel has now decided to retaliate by deviating from the "road map for peace" mandate designed to defuse the Palestinian/Israeli conflict, and approved construction of new settlements in the West Bank.
Israel announced plans on Tuesday to construct a Jewish settlement in the occupied West Bank for the first time in 10 years, prompting Palestinian anger and American concern.
The announcement, by the Defense Ministry and settler groups, seemed to run counter to the prevailing effort by Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, who had offered a series of gestures to the Palestinians several days ago, after meeting with the Palestinian Authority president, Mahmoud Abbas.
Even before that meeting, Mr. Abbas was being criticized by his political rivals, Hamas, who preach Israels destruction, for carrying out what they called an Israeli and American agenda with little to show for it.
One Israeli official hinted that the new settlement might be part of a deal with Jewish settlers to get their tacit acceptance of the removal of illegal settlement outposts from the West Bank.
Another Israeli official, however, insisted that the settlement was not new, exactly, but a revival of a settlement approved in 1981, which had become a military training site by the mid-1990s.
The defense minister, Amir Peretz, the dovish leader of the Labor Party, gave his approval to a promise made by his predecessor Shaul Mofaz, the current transport minister that houses would be built on the site of an army base in the northern Jordan Valley to resettle some Israelis forced to leave settlements in the Gaza Strip in 2005, according to a Defense Ministry official.
So while reporters and government officials argue over the definition of what exactly constitutes a "new settlement" versus a "thickening" of an existing settlement, the construction will likely commence and be completed before anyone can agree on just what they've finished building. Whatever they're called, however, they're likely to be illegal, something which will not help in generation of international goodwill towards Israel, nor in helping to keep a damper on the flames of this particular conflict with the Palestinians.
As has pretty much always been the case in this neverending war, it's not all that difficult to place blame on either side, since neither has been particularly angelic in its conduct and both have stoked the opposition with stunts like these. But at some point, someone is going to have stop pointing their finger at the other claiming "well if they did it they so can we" and claim the moral high ground. Israel had made a good effort in that direction when it unilaterally withdrew from Gaza last year. But pushing forward on the construction of new settlements in Gaza is a major step backwards, and likely to encourage this conflict to keep dragging on indefinitely.
Questionable Holocaust Conference Takes Place in Iran
Earlier this year, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced plans to hold a conference on the legitimacy and consequences of the Holocaust. After criticism from the United Nations, the Iranian government defended its decision.
Iranian foreign ministry spokesman Hamid Reza Asefi said debate of the issue should not be off limits.
"It is a strange world. It is possible to discuss everything except the Holocaust," he said.
"The foreign ministry plans to hold a conference on the scientific aspect of the issue to discuss and review its repercussions."
The conference, which began yesterday and continues today, features almost 70 scholars from around the world, most of which remained anonymous in fear of being rebuked by their home countries. Manouchehr Mohammadi, a spokesman for Iran's foreign ministry, said the idea for the conference was originally introduced by the president himself, who considered the most important aim of the conference to be to assess whether the Holocaust had actually taken place. Additional focuses of the conference are to ascertain the number of Jews killed and to draw a parallel between the Holocaust and Israeli-Palestinian tensions today.
[In response to international criticism] Mr. Mohammadi said the West claimed it has freedom of speech, but it did not allow scholars to question the Holocaust.
He asked why European countries allowed Islamic sanctities like the Prophet Mohammed to be insulted, but could not tolerate debate on the Holocaust.
The foreign ministry spoke on Monday at the opening of the conference, again defending its intent.
Opening the conference, Mr. Mottaki said the aim of the conference was "not to deny or confirm the Holocaust...Its main aim is to create an opportunity for thinkers who cannot express their views freely in Europe about the Holocaust," he said.
Understandably, Israel's Prime Minister disapproved of the conference, calling it "a sick phenomenon that shows the depths of hatred of the fundamentalist Iranian regime." A counter-conference, which features prominent historians of the Holocaust, is currently meeting in Germany.
The controversial conference also hosts an assortment of equally controversial individuals.
Among those speaking today are David Duke, the American white-supremacist [Republican congressman] and former Ku Klux Klan leader, and Georges Thiel, a French writer who has been prosecuted in France over his denials of the Holocaust.
Mr. Dukes remarks late this afternoon are expected to assert that no gas chambers or extermination camps were actually built during the war, on the ground that killing Jews that way would have been much too bothersome and expensive when the Nazis could have used much simpler methods, according to an advance summary of his speech published by the institute.
Depicting Jews as the overwhelming victims of the Holocaust gave the moral high ground to the Allies as victors of the war, and allowed Jews to establish a state on the occupied land of Palestine, Mr. Dukes paper says, according to the summary.
One of the first scheduled speakers, Robert Faurisson of France, also called the Holocaust a myth created to justify the occupation of Palestine.
Aside from the usual suspects, though, there was an interesting appearance at the conference: a group of Orthodox Jews. Among them are members of the Neturei Karta, a sect of Judaism that opposes the Zionist movement. Though they believe that the Holocaust occured and condemn it, they have chosen to attend the conference because they "object to using it as justification for the existence of Israel."
A representative, UK-based Rabbi Aharon Cohen, told the conference he prayed "that the underlying cause of strife and bloodshed in the Middle East, namely the state known as Israel, be totally and peacefully dissolved."
In its place, Rabbi Cohen said, should be "a regime fully in accordance with the aspirations of the Palestinians when Arab and Jew will be able to live peacefully together as they did for centuries."
Neturei Karta believes the very idea of an Israeli state goes against the Jewish religion.
The book of Jewish law or Talmud, they say, teaches that believers may not use human force to create a Jewish state before the coming of the Messiah.
Rabbi Friedman told BBC Radio Four's PM programme that he was not in Tehran to debate whether the Holocaust happened or not, but to look at its lessons.
He says the Holocaust was being used to legitimise the suffering of other peoples and he wanted to break what he called a taboo on discussing it.
The main thing, he argued, was not Jewish suffering in the past but the use of the Holocaust as a "tool of commercial, military and media power."
In what many other Jews would consider the height of naivety, he commended Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for wanting "a secured future for innocent Jewish people in Europe and elsewhere."
In his speech to the conference, Neturei Karta's Rabbi Cohen said there was no doubt about the Holocaust and it would be "a terrible affront to the memory of those who perished to belittle the guilt of the crime in any way."
However, he also argued that the genocide had been divine will. "The Zionists, with their secular pompous approach behave in complete opposition to this philosophy and dare to say 'Never Again'.
"They have the audacity to think that they can prevent the Almighty from repeating a Holocaust. This is heresy."
Neturei Karta have been condemned by other Orthodox Jews as an extreme fringe movement while the Tehran conference has been denounced by the Israeli parliament.
This is not the first time that Iran has sponsered anti-semitism and Holocaust denial. In what is considered by many as an intentional affront against Western liberals, Iran has organized a competition and exhibition for cartoons about the Holocaust, a decision which drew the ire of Jews around the worldand even in Iran.
Iranian Jewish leaders reacted angrily to Mr. Ahmadinejads Holocaust-denying comments last year, issuing a statement saying that his words were spreading fear among Jews in Iran.
We consider the Holocaust as a fact and a disgrace for humanity, Haround Yashayai, a leading voice among Iranian Jews, said today. We cannot say that such a conference cannot be held here. We have condemned similar events in the past, and see no reason to condemn it again.
