Hello, minions. After a week absence, I have returned. I apologize for not being there for you on Tuesday. An Asshole Fuckface entered my right eustachian tube and felled me for a couple of days. It was touch and go, almost perished and all that stuff. But now I am alive again and my eustachian tube is popping and pain free, which means the Asshole Fuckfaces of the world are quivering in their boots because they are about to be exposed. So, grab your favorite antibiotic because this is going to be messy.

First up, some religious Asshole Fuckfacery.

Finally, some Asshole Fuckfaces made a public service announcement against gay marriage. It’s a delightful piece of art.



Holy shit. Their “freedom will be taken away.” They are going to be locked in dungeons and fed dung beetles. That’s just one result of gays marrying. Also, that poor doctor has to choose between doing her job the way she wants or letting gay people live. How fucked up is that?

How terrible is it that a mother has to send her kids to a school in which teachers actually teach students that gay people are not an abomination? What kind of world are we living in? And why aren't there any religious schools for her to send her child to? And why wouldn't a woman so devoted to her crazy religious beliefs that she would appear in an ad send her kid to a private school? Indeed, why wouldn't she home school her spawn so she can properly pass on her crazy unfiltered beliefs?

That other girl says she “will have no choice.” That’s right. You didn’t know this but she is going to be forced to marry a woman and engage in oral sex for the rest of her life. The gays are coming people, and they are coming like a storm. It’s going to be raining cocks (on men) and vaginas (on women).

What’s next? People marrying dogs? Yes, actually, that is next. We’ve already started fucking them in preparation for the groundbreaking dog marriage bill of 2012. After that, we are going to want to marry badgers, panthers, and sofas. You think we are destroying marriage now, wait until I marry my carpet. A storm is coming indeed.

Next, some of our anti-gay friends spiritual Asshole Fuckfaces are busy in Iraq.

Remember when we liberated Iraq? How awesome was that? Not awesome for gay people, apparently.

Who would have thought “liberating” religious extremists living in the birthplace of the Shiite religion would lead to something horrible?

And it’s not just street killings. It seems the wonderful Iraqi government has decided to execute gays for being, well, gay.

Good times. Hope you are enjoying your freedom.

Next up, some Asshole Fuckface advice from Texas.

Ah, Texas, you do not let me down. Look, I understand it’s hard being super white and stupid, especially in today’s world, with all of these foreign types coming in and walking around like they own the place. Obviously, there are solutions to help the super white. Texas State Representative Betty Brown unveiled one this week.

Yes. Please. Look, it’s hard being an old, white lady who was raised around names like Jones, Stephens and Blake to suddenly be looking at a name like Dat Si Cho. How about you change that name to Dan Milford? America just became a little bit easier, did it not?

Makes a lot of sense.

Next up, some Democratic Party Asshole Fuckfacery.

Remember how Harry Reid is the biggest, most spineless, waste of space ever to walk the halls of Congress? Remember how Harry allowed Joe Lieberman to remain Chairman of the Senate Homeland Security Committee, even after he spoke at the Republican National Convention and called Obama all sorts of names? Remember when Joe allowed George Bush to do whatever the fuck he wanted while he was Chairman of the Senate Homeland Security Committee and Democrats said he should be removed this year because he’s an Asshole Fuckface who will screw with Obama’s agenda? And then Harry let him stay?

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Harry Reid should be waterboarded.

Finally, I save the worst Asshole Fuckface conduct for last. There is something horrible happening in America and many are not even aware of it. It is growing in strength every week and may soon become a serious threat to our daily life.

It is called Adam Lambert. It is a contestant on American Idol. It is being hailed as the greatest find in American Idol history. Here you can watch it rape a Rolling Stones song.



How happy would Andrew Lloyd Webber be with that? I believe doing a gay musical version of any Rolling Stones song is a crime against humanity. Sadly, it cannot be stopped. The judges on American Idol apparently jerk off every time it takes the stage. It’s like watching an asteroid heading towards Earth. We will all suffer – particularly those of us with young daughters.

Daughtry was bad enough, this is unforgivable.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

One of the great things about Obama taking over is we get to watch corrupt, horrible government employees lose their jobs. Take the Pentagon. Last month, the Obama team announced 90 douchebags would not be coming back. They didn’t actually use the term “douchebags,” but let’s face it, that is an extremely appropriate description.

A fucking email? Holy shit. How much of a complete and total asshole do you have to be to receive a termination email? I think dogs get better treatment. Of course, these people should actually be in jail, so they are getting off easy.

Now, if all was good in the world, we would be able to watch live on video as these people received the news of their future non-employment. But sometimes the world is cruel and we only get a bit of their public crying.
Special assistant to the Secretary of Defense, Jim O’Beirne, was none to pleased at the manner of notification.

I will. You’re a bunch of cunts. You ran a frightfully pathetic war and ruined our military. That’s just a guess.

Um. Yeah. One man’s “politics” is another man’s insane “ideology.” O’Beirne explained it was their adherence to the Bush doctrine that played a part in their termination.

Jimmy, those two things are not mutually exclusive.

Can you give outstanding performances during the worst presidency in the history of our country? Is that possible? Doesn’t that mean your outstanding performance greatly contributed to the epic failure? I think it does. “Hey, I was the treasurer of Death Town,” doesn’t get you much with me. Going full speed doesn’t mean shit if you’re going the wrong way. You can pat yourself on the back for driving 170 miles an hour, but if you ended up in Fresno, it’s still a massive fail.

To see who these people are, we need only look at the now fired Jim O'Beirne. He’s one of the guys who helped turn Iraq into a complete and total fucking mess. Ever heard of the Coalition Provisional Authority? They were the guys who spent their time trying to implement a flat tax in Iraq, while a religious war took hold. They were trying to get the Baghdad Stock Market rolling, while suicide bombers blew up everything in sight.

If there is one book you should read to understand how poorly the war was run in the first year, it’s Imperial Life in the Emerald City. It is a shocking and brutal account of the extreme politicization of the Iraq War. And it was all done at the hands of guys like Jim O’Beirne. Here’s an excerpt from the book.

Yes, abortion. During interviews to determine whether people were qualified to rebuild Iraq. Abortion. Take a moment now to remember what Jimmy said in that email.

This is the guy now complaining like a bitch about how he and others were fired. Welcome to the world of irony, Jimmy. If you asked a qualified government employee with experience in nation building, whether he was for or against Roe v. Wade and then excluded him based on his views on abortion, that was “outstanding performance.” This is exactly what Jim O'Beirne did. Experienced individual after experienced individual were excluded based on their political beliefs. The State Department was completely excluded from post war planning, because they did not adhere to the insane ideological plans of neo cons like Jim O'Beirne.

Today we should celebrate the pain and removal from government service of O’Beirne. He is a shining example of the worst our country has to offer.

That’s why Iraq turned into the epic disaster it is.

And now you're not anywhere. See how that works?

Imperial Life in the Emerald City should be required reading for every American.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

[Editor's note: OhSoOrdinary submitted this article from Iraq, where she is currently serving with the U.S. Army.]

A great deal of our mission here is psychological. The Iraqi people need to believe that siding with us serves their interests better than siding with the insurgents and the militias. That’s why we run humanitarian aid missions and build infrastructure in their towns and villages. Those big, expensive, time-consuming overtures of friendship do very little to help us when things like this happen. I was in the cafeteria when I first saw this story on CNN's The Situation Room. I was horrified.

Are you serious? Why don’t you just shoot me instead, guy?

When a story like this breaks, two things happen: violence in that area goes up and locals lose trust in us. One stupid ass is all it takes to undermine everything we’re trying to do out here. That’s why that elaborate ceremony was held with generals and television cameras. It’s a really big deal. But, when I saw this story, that’s not what I was thinking about. I wasn’t really thinking. I was looking around. I was listening. Just about everyone’s eyes were on the television. The reactions were all very striking to me.

Just like that cafeteria full of soldiers, I have mixed feelings when I see stories like this. My first feeling was that of annoyance. Public opinion of the war and the troops isn’t exactly awesome and this doesn’t help. All the militant liberals who believe we’re all a bunch of villains with blood on our hands raise these stories up and say, “See! Look at the bastardly bastards!” It’s so hurtful to be seen that way by our fellow citizens when the children of this foreign country smile at us and wave when we drive by.

But then I was angry. This jerk has undone so much legwork by so many other service members. All those joes who ran patrols and all those Humint teams who developed rapports with the sheiks and tribal leaders may just as well have stayed on the FOB. Now, whoever has to run missions in Radwaniyah is in even more danger. The herder who would have warned them of that man who had been digging by the road that morning might not speak up this time. The shop owner who always tells them when new people move into the village might just keep things to himself this time. They might be all on their own.

Later that evening, because it is within my nature to do so, I found myself trying to understand this Staff Sergeant. It wasn’t hard. Hating all of them is very easy.

There is a profound sense of kinship in the military. Calling it strong is a gross understatement. Calling it profound is an understatement still. Before we deploy, we spend a year or so living and working with the same people. They become our brothers and our sisters. Then, we all leave for a country full of people who want to kill us. When we land on our FOB, we make a silent and largely subconscious promise to each other: “I’m going to take care of you. I’m going to make sure you’re okay and we’re going to come home together.”

When that promise is broken, it is a kind of pain that I cannot easily describe to you. Everyone experiences it differently, but for me it manifested itself first with anguish and guilt. It tore at my insides and sorrow bled into my soul. It changed into anger. I was so angry at the person who set that IED. He killed my Crouch. He killed my brother. I didn’t know who he was, but I hated him.

I’ve only lost one brother. I’ve only broken one promise. But over 4,000 promises have been broken over the last five years and I can understand how that hate for the person who took your brother could infect the rest of your psyche. It could make you call them towelheads. It could make you exploit the language barrier to make jokes about them. It could make you look for a reason – any reason at all – to pop off a few rounds. It could make you lust for revenge. It could. But, it shouldn’t.

Members of the Armed Services are very often held in high regard. As such, we are constantly reminded that each one of us represents all of us. So, when an unnamed Staff Sergeant plants a few rounds in a Quran, in the eyes of the public, we all do. That’s unfortunate, because the vast majority of us make a choice contrary to this Staff Sergeant. We choose to retain our humanity.

It’s easy to dehumanize an entire race of people when you think they’re trying to kill you. Especially when they all look the same. Especially when there’s a language barrier. Especially when they follow the rules you and yours have set for them. It’s really easy to see them and the things they love as a little less than human and a little less than precious. It’s easy. It’s really easy. But it’s not right.

It’s not right to use Qurans for target practice. It’s not right to massacre entire families for revenge. It’s not right to throw puppies off cliffs. It’s not right to treat detainees like animals. It’s not right to sacrifice one’s humanity by succumbing to hatred.

Members of the Armed Services are very often held in high regard, but we are a microcosm of society. All I ask is that you remember that for every Soldier, Marine, Sailor or Airman who succumbs to hatred, there are ten thousand of us who do not.

[Hat tip: Argene]

OhSoOrdinary can't wait to go home, wash her hands of this whole mess, and start her bright, shiny, new life.

If God said, "Thou shalt not kill," how can belief in God be a prerequisite for military service?

With the shitstorm in Iraq resulting in (among other things) personnel deficiencies in the United States military, one would think the Army would be attempting to keep the soldiers they already have. However, a soldier who enlisted to serve his country and fight terrorism is claiming he has suffered discrimination; not because he is gay, but because he is an atheist.

While this is not official military policy, it seems to me that anyone who is actually ready and willing to go over to Iraq should be welcome to do so, regardless of their beliefs or sexual orientation. Then again, I'm naïve enough to still attempt to apply logic to anything involving this war.

Great, let's take one more step toward making this a religious crusade. Should we just go ahead and make it a requirement for military service that you fuck the other gender, and view your enemies as enemies of the one true Lord who hates fags and abortionists and liberals?

I'll say right now that I usually don't have the balls to tell someone to shut up in a theater either, much less sign up for military service. On one hand, if a guy's in Iraq, having to endure harrassment from other soldiers seems like it wouldn't be that big of a concern next to worrying about IEDs. On the other hand, the Army's comment about not being able to "protect him" should make anyone nervous. If a soldier can't trust his compatriots in a war zone, there's a problem.

And yet

Seeing as how I'm safely tucked at home in Texas and not patrolling the streets of Iraq, it's not really my place to criticize the military, but, my aforementioned naïveté demands me to question how they could possibly see driving even more qualified soldiers away as a positive thing. Especially when the doors are opening wider to allow more convicted felons to enlist.

Personally, I do believe in God, but it's idiocy like this that has made me hesitant to say that out loud.

This is the Army now: you can be be a rapist and it's fine as long as you raped the other gender; you can be a religious extremist but not an atheist.

And we wonder why enrollments are down and we're losing the war....

George Bush is such a colossal fuck up it is astounding. Every choice the administration makes in Iraq turns out to be the wrong choice. Their latest blunder is backing the wrong Shiite in Iraq. Today, after a couple of days of violence in Iraq, a new strongman has risen and his name is Muqtada al-Sadr. Our guy is the other guy -- the weak one.

Al-Sadr played Bush and Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki like a couple of children. Seven months ago, al-Sadr agreed to a cease-fire in Iraq – which has led many right wing morons to believe the surge has been a success. They are, of course, fucking idiots desperate to prove that their imbecilic support of the invasion was the right call. Deaths have dropped in Iraq because al-Sadr has not been killing people and we have been paying Sunni insurgents not to kill people. Last week, the cease-fire with al-Sadr took a break – just long enough to show who is the big boy in Iraq. And his name ain’t Maliki.

We’re supposed to believe that Al-Sadr is the bad guy and Maliki is the good guy. The truth is they both are nasty motherfuckers. Both sides are guilty of sectarian cleansing. Both have strong connections to Iran. Maliki has been using the US military and the Iraqi Army to arrest and kill members of al-Sadr’s militia, The Mahdi Army. But this week, al-Sadr fought back, which is exactly what Maliki was hoping for. Maliki expected the US to fight this battle for him. His master plan was to get our guys to wipe out al-Sadr, leaving him as the last Shiite standing.

The fighting first started in Basra. Maliki claimed he was cracking down on “criminals,” but it was obviously a massive power grab. And a pretty pathetic one, at that. First rule of power grab: Make sure you aren’t a retard. Maliki clearly didn’t realize his pals the Iranians and his other pals, the Americans, don’t want a civil war between Iraqi Shiites. So, Maliki and the Islamic Supreme Council started the fighting in Basra and al-Sadr pushed back – and he pushed back hard.

The fighting moved to Baghdad, where US forces were also involved. There Maliki learned the second lesson of power grab: Make sure all the guys on your side are actually on your side. Many members of the Iraqi Army walked away from checkpoints, because they support al-Sadr. Members of the Army were actually walking into al-Sadr’s offices and giving up their weapons.

Meanwhile, Iran wanted the fighting to end because Iran supports both Maliki and al-Sadr and would rather they don’t kill each other. They want the Shiites to save it up to attack the Sunnis when the US pulls out. Bush certainly does not want Iraq to fall further into chaos at this point, because it would devastate McCain’s chances in November and screw up his plan to leave a land mine for the incoming Democratic president. At the same time, the Kurds refused to get involved in Maliki’s moronic fight.

Hello, blunder, my name is Maliki. Meanwhile, the Prime Minister was demanding the Mahdi Army disarm. He actually set a three-day deadline for the al-Sadr kids to turn in their weapons. There was some chuckling, a few shrugs and then the three days passed with no one turning in their guns. Day four: Maliki actually extended the deadline – and offered cash for weapons. Third rule of power grab: Don’t look like a massive pussy.

The US provided air support for Maliki’s weak ass forces and al-Sadr held strong. Turns out it is very hard to dislodge highly motivated indigenous fighters who know every nook and cranny in the area. Who knew? I mean, besides everybody. Rule number four of power grab: Read at least one book on the history of urban warfare.

After a couple days and a few hundred dead guys, Iran said enough is enough. Officials in Maliki’s own government told him to stop his little war and went to Iran for help.

Iran then brokered a peace deal. Maliki actually went to Iran to meet with al-Sadr – which brings up the fifth rule of power grab: Don’t beg your opponent to stop.

Bestest of allest, al-Sadr had a list of demands for Maliki before he would agree to an end to hostilities. The fucking rebel set the rule to end the conflict that the government started! Holy shit! Maliki is a plane crashing into a train wreck, falling on top of a car crash, hitting a boat. What an epic disaster. Rule number six of power grab: Don’t let your enemy kick your balls in.

Here is what Maliki agreed to:

1. Ending armed manifestations in Basra governorate and all the other governates.
2. Ending of attacks and illegal arbitrary detentions.
3. Demand that the government apply the law on general amnesty, and release all prisoners who have not had charges confirmed against them, in particular prisoners belonging to the Al-Sadrist current.
4. We announce that we will repudiate those who carry weapons and target the government and service agencies and institutions, or the offices of political parties.
5. Cooperation with government agencies to bring about security and to charge criminals, according to due process of law.
6. We reassert that the Al-Sadrist movement does not possess heavy weapons.
7. Efforts [meaningful efforts are to be made] for the return to their residential areas of those who were forced out as a result of security incidents.
8. We demand respect for human rights by the government in all of its security activities.
9. Working [meaningful efforts are to be made] towards the realization of development and service projects in all governates.

Oh, and here’s a napkin to wipe yourself off the floor with. My favorite number in that list is 7. She’s a beaut. Maliki is demanding that Sunnis and Shiites be placed back in their homes, from which they were removed by sectarian cleansing. You now, the sectarian cleansing that the Mahdi army was responsible for – but so were the militias working under Maliki. Al-Sadr is trying to make the case that other Shiites were responsible for the cleansing, just as he has been trying to claim Maliki has been killing Sunnis and blaming the Mahdi army. Now he’s demanding those people be put back in their houses. It’s called politics and this was a master move. Rule number seven of power grab: Don’t take on a guy who is a million times smarter than you.

To top it all off, al-Sadr has now completely positioned himself as the only powerful man in Iraq who is against the US occupation. Maliki is Bush’s boy, and called in the US military to fight against his fellow Iraqis. The Sunnis have been collaborating with and accepting money from the US for over a year. The vast majority of Iraqis want the US to leave. Now they have a strong man who loudly opposes the occupation and has shown he will not back down. And guess what is coming later this year? An election.

The October provincial elections are one of the main reasons Maliki went after al-Sadr now. He’s been attempting to displace al-Sadr supporters, while inserting members of his own Dawa Party and the Islamic Supreme Council, in areas of Basra that al-Sadr controls. Maliki completely failed. He has all but assured a massive victory for al-Sadr this October.

The other big loser in the mess is the US. What a massive fuck up. We just injected ourselves into an inter-Shiite conflict and chose the wrong side. Going after assorted rogue groups in the Mahdi Army is one thing, but going after the entire al-Sadr organization on behalf of Maliki was moronic. Did I mention the vast majority of voting Iraqis want the US out of the country?

Any gains the US made with al-Sadr and his followers are gone.

The end result of this mess is that al-Sadr is far stronger and Maliki much weaker. The Iraqi Army appears considerably weaker, which isn’t a great sign for the future. Iran also is strengthened because they brokered the peace deal. The US is, once again, the clumsy fool.

The Mahdi Army went back into the shadows, waiting for the day when the US pulls out and they take over the country – if they are not just voted in this October.

First of all, happy fucking birthday, Iraq War. You’ve had a rough couple of years and only the retarded seem to like you. You drew the short stick. I actually kind of hate you, but that doesn’t mean I can’t give you a special big 5 Asshole Fuckface birthday roundup!

This Iraq edition of the Asshole Fuckface Roundup will probably not be as funny as previous Roundups, mostly because of all the dead people. Sometimes dead people are funny, like when four people barbeque and eat another dude. That is inherently hilarious. But when a lady straps on a suicide bomb vest and blows herself up, taking 40 people with her – not so funny. In researching this Asshole Fuckface Roundup I discovered that Iraq is in far worse shape than I thought it was, which is pretty disturbing.

Let’s kick this fucker off with one of the Asshole Fuckfaces who came up with the “let’s invade Iraq” idea way back in 1993, then executed it 10 years later: Dick “I’m the worst human alive” Cheney. Dick has been making the rounds this week to celebrate Iraq's B-day. Whenever Dick speaks a small part of me dies. Last week, a segment of my colon perished when he tossed out this gem.



Oh, sweet pile of shit. Let's see if that looks better when it's written.

Not so much. Two things, Dick. First, could you not smirk like an over the top Batman villain? Thanks. Second, there have not been “fluctuations” for over a year, monster. The American peeps have been against this shit for a long, long time – mostly because they aren’t retarded. See, a while ago, the American people stepped back and realized what happened. The Bush administration put a pile of dog shit in a paper bag, placed it on America's doorstep, set it on fire and rang their doorbell. America opened the door and stepped on the bag to put the fire out. Then they realized there was shit on their feet. Cheney and Bush keep trying to light the bag on fire. We’re upstairs cleaning off our shoes.

The great thing about Dick Cheney is when you let him out of his Hannibal Lecter restraints and face mask, the bastard really lets loose. He wasn't done with just his “so?” comment.

9/11? Really? Seriously, when your heart finally stops (of natural causes) I am going to throw a party. I am going to throw a “Dick Cheney is dead” party and invite people. We are going to drink to your lack of life and probably have some cake. Sadly, there is a 77% chance that Dick Cheney will not die, but rather, shed his human skin, revealing his true demonic form, and then open the Hellmouth. We'll worry about that when the time comes.

Dick Cheney and George Bush are the ultimate Asshole Fuckfaces, playing a giant game or Risk (and losing) with actual people’s lives. People they could give a flying fuck about. Like this Iraqi, who is a blogger – and one of the last. Most Iraqi bloggers have left or been killed. He celebrated the fifth year anniversary by blogging about when it all went south.

Check out his hood. Looks awesome!



It only takes a few Asshole Fuckfaces to destroy a city. The first Asshole Fuckface was Saddam. Then came Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld. Now the place is a hellhole because of religious fanatic Asshole Fuckfaces.



They live a daily nightmare in a city that has been separated by walls. Religious Asshole Fuckfaces scurry about, killing and maiming those trying to live a normal life. Two weeks ago, Iraqis experienced another one of hundreds of mini 9/11s since the US invaded. Asshole Fuckfaces in Baghdad blew up two bombs, killing 54 people and injuring 100.

At some point, one apparently becomes too tired to see dead people. Hatam had reached his limit. Must have been a nice walk out of the bomb site.

Notice you don’t hear the Republican hordes of Asshole Fuckfaces telling us the Iraqis are now better off than they were under Saddam -- because they obviously are not. They are living in American created misery and now a few are living in it without legs. Of course, they are not dead, like so many, who were killed by Asshole Fuckfaces and buried out in the desert in unmarked graves.



Things aren’t exactly roses here on the American side, either. The cost of this war is disgustingly high – which is the exact opposite of what we were told before the invasion, by our Asshole Fuckface leaders.

How’d that work out? Maybe they meant to say “a day” at the end of that estimate.

Oh, cool. I was worried about $4 trillion. $1 trillion is a lot closer to the original price tag of $60 billion, right? I’ve never seen numbers before, so this sounds great.

Finally, we have lost nearly 4,000 soldiers in Iraq. Think about that number, then go back up to the top of this article and watch the video of Cheney smirking. When you're watching Cheney, also think about his 5 deferments during the Vietnam War. That is the smirk of a coward. Then come back down and read about guys like Army Staff Sgt. Ernesto Guadalupe Cimarrusti. He died on March 10th, killed by a roadside bomb, that was planted by Asshole Fuckfaces.

As much as I think he shouldn’t have re-enlisted, at least Ernesto died doing something he believed in. Doesn’t really matter if I think it was a waste of a life, if he felt differently.

Either way, there are now almost 4,000 Ernestos because a group of Asshole Fuckfaces in the White House didn’t know what in the fuck they were doing. We have now created a training ground for terrorists, destabilized the most important real estate on Earth and have no way out.

Iraqis killed - 1 million and counting.
US soldiers killed - 3,993 and counting.
US soldiers wounded - Nobody knows because the Department of Defense are lying Asshole Fuckfaces.

Oh, and George Bush's actions have led to far more civilian deaths than under Saddam Hussien. George is the all time leading Iraqi Asshole Fuckface. Congrats.

There is much confusion about who was the very first Asshole Fuckface. I get many letters and today I will finally reveal the answer: Pope Gregory XIII. On August 24th, 1572, Catholics began massacring Protestants in Paris, with the Queen’s blessing. The St. Bartholomew's Day massacre lasted months, spread across France and resulted in the deaths of thousands of Protestants. No one knows the exact number, but it is somewhere between 10,000 and 100,000.

After the massacre, Pope Gregory XIII ordered a Christian hymn of praise to be sung about the massacre and had a medal created that showed an angel holding a sword next to slaughtered Protestants. He then commissioned an artist to paint three murals of the wounding of Gaspard de Coligny, a Protestant military leader. The Pope then designated September 11th, 1572 as a day commemorating the massacre of the Protestants. The Catholic Church to this day has not apologized, but those who wield the power quickly declared Pope Gregory XIII the first Asshole Fuckface. Ever since that day, my people have scoured the Earth, in search of Asshole Fuckfaces to present to the common people. Today I give you the latest batch of miscreants, known as Asshole Fuckfaces. So, put on your chain armor, this is going to be nasty.

We start in the delightfully free country of Iraq, where Asshole Fuckfaces are allowed to do whatever they want.

Before the war, the only people who knew religious lunatics would take over if Saddam was toppled were those of us who dared to read books. Now the Asshole Fuckfaces of Basra are letting loose and it’s not pretty.

You’re welcome, ladies. Just be thankful you’re not living under Saddam anymore. Back then you were able to dress how you wanted and actually work. Now you get to die.

Their crimes: Not wearing headscarves or going outside with makeup on.

Oh, nice work, Asshole Fuckfaces. Nothing says, “God is great,” like the brutal street killing of a pregnant woman. I will pray that when you reach heaven, God presents you with a four-foot wide butt plug in lieu of all those virgins. Then I hope the ladies are there to force it into your dead anus.

Next up, grandpa rape can only = Asshole Fuckfacery.

I don’t know what the fuck is going on in Canada, but it ain’t right. A 62-year-old grandpa, who the Canucks won't name, was convicted of abusing one of his granddaughters. According to court records, he drove her to a dump and forced her to take her pants off. When he was done, he drove her home and told her to bring two of his other granddaughters “next time.” You can imagine how upset the family was.

Well, now I count 13 Asshole Fuckfaces. Gramps was sentenced to 18 months time served and released. It helped that Wasagamack First Nation Chief Ronald Harper and six counselors requested that he be released and sent back to the place where all his granddaughters live.

Oh, and the charges of molesting the other two granddaughters were “stayed.” Did I mention that gramps was already on parole after serving two years for incest? It seems he had already molested another granddaughter when she was 12, and was kind of faced with the overwhelming evidence of fathering his own great-granddaughter.

The Asshole Fuckface, or course, had a fantastic reason why he shouldn’t be in prison.

Well, I actually think they will be okay without you, Captain Example. And in a fine example of justice, the granddaughter has been shunned from the community for letting out the “family’s secrets.”

Next up, we can’t ignore our very own Asshole Fuckfaces, right here in the US of A.

Ever call for help and then find yourself arrested because the responding cop is an amazing Asshole Fuckface? I have, but at least my arrest wasn’t as bad as Hope Steffey's. Ohio seems to be on a bit of an Asshole Fuckface tear and the cops are often the culprits.

Last year Hope was assaulted by one of her cousins. The police were called, and the bloodied victim accidentally showed the cop her dead sister’s driver’s license. She kept it as a memento. The cop didn’t really care for her bullshit and things went horrible wrong.



Enjoy part 2!



You might have to actually stop me from killing those guys if that was my wife.

Okay, then it was a sexual assault. Take your pick. Dudes don’t get to tear clothes off of women, especially cop dudes. The video suddenly appeared last week and there’s a lot of Asshole Fuckface explaining to do.

Finally, one of the worst, most Asshole Fuckfacery stories of all time.

A children’s school in the holy city of Mecca caught on fire this week. Unfortunately, the school was locked at the time, because the Saudis like to keep their boys away from their girls. Lock down is the best way to do so. But even worse yet, some of the girls weren’t wearing their headscarves and black robes. Apparently, the girls didn’t think to put them on when they were running for their lives from the FIRE.

Thankfully, the Saudi religious police, known as the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice, were there to prevent the girls from running out with their hair visible and living.

Firemen went mano-a-mano with the religious police, because firemen understand it’s better to be alive than have men see your hair. 15 girls died in the fire and 50 others were injured. Saudi newspapers actually criticized the religious police.

Families of the dead girls are furious, because Asshole Fuckface religious police let their daughters die in a fire, instead of letting men see their hair.

Did I mention that the religious police let 15 girls die in a fire, instead of letting men see their hair?

So, there you go. That’s quite a list of Asshole Fuckfaces. This week, they receive nothing.

In Turkey, Saturday is actually known as Asshole Fuckface day, because Turkey was the home of the Ottoman Empire and home to the very first Asshole Fuckface. It’s true. Sultan Abdul Hamid the second was the first. In the West, he was known as The Red Sultan, or The Great Assassin, because of the thousands of Armenians who died during his rule. He really kicked off the Armenian genocide.

When Hamid came to power in 1894, things were not going to well for the Ottoman Empire. Hamid needed a scapegoat, so he falsely charged the Christian Armenians with rebelling against his authority. He encouraged local Muslims to attack the Armenian people. And when Muslim refuges poured in from Europe, he told them to take Armenian land. Over a two-year period, 200,000 Armenians were massacred or died of starvation. A couple of years after his rule, the actual genocide kicked off. 1.5 million Armenians were killed between 1914-1918. Ever since those days, my people have carried the burden of picking the Asshole Fuckfaces out for the common man to see. Today, I will shine a bright light on the vermin of our world. So, put on a plastic burka, because this is going to be nasty.

Ohio never lets me down when I need a quality Asshole Fuckface.

Judge Mary Wiseman, of Montgomery County, is facing a challenge for her position on the bench from Judge James D. Piergies in the upcoming Democratic primary. The campaign is apparently getting quite heated, and by heated, I actually mean retarded. Turns out Wiseman is gay and Piergies is an Asshole Fuckface.

Piergies has claimed that Wiseman should excuse herself from cases involving the state ban on gay marriage and Dayton’s law banning discrimination against gays. Which makes sense, because her lust for other women’s bodies completely overwhelms her trained and educated mind.

How’s that giant can of asshole you just opened working out? Let’s just make sure we have this right. Black people should not be able to rule on civil rights, that should be up to white people. And gay people should not be able to rule on gay rights, that should be left up to white people. Sorry, straight, white people. Don’t get me started on the Asians!

Later, Piergies tried to back away from his Asshole Fuckface comments.

What if your issue is that you are an Asshole Fuckface? How will you ever be able to honestly oversee cases of other Asshole Fuckfaces?

Next, up, it’s a vehicular Asshole Fuckface bonanza!

My fellow Los Angeleno, Carlos Gutierrez, went out drinking with his uncle and girlfriend, and then decided to take a nice drive home. At some point during the sloshy ride, Carlos became pissed at his lady and his uncle and forced them to get out of the car. Then Carlos threatened to run them over. Then he actually went ahead and ran them over. Then he must have felt bad, because he put them back in the car.

Oops. His lady was dead when police arrived and his uncle had a compound leg fracture. Maybe they should have learned how to party.

Nice going, drunky. But, hey, at least he hasn’t filed a lawsuit against his uncle. That is what our next vehicular Asshole Fuckface did.

I hope he also added in the cost of washing that kid’s blood and hair off his hood, not to mention his teeth in the grill. Unlike America, where we have no sense of community, the Spanish town actually showed concern.

Hey! What a great guy! He had a change of heart and realized he was wrong!

Oh. Hey, Asshole Fuckface, why so Asshole Fuckfacish? Delgado was originally cleared of any criminal wrongdoing, but his actions have caused the local prosecutor to take another look at the case.

Please. Make him suffer.

Next up, is there anything more Asshole Fuckfacish than strapping a bomb to a mentally retarded lady, sending her into a market and blowing her up with a bunch of other people? Turns out there is: Sending two mentally retarded ladies into markets and blowing them up with a bunch of other people.

Ah, Iraq. Some serious Asshole Fuckfacery going on in that nightmare of a country. But we seem to have hit a new low. On Friday 65 people were killed and 250 were wounded when two “suicide bombers” blew themselves up in crowded pet markets.

What a great moment that must have been for these masterminds. Convincing a couple of mentally retarded woman to wear the heavy vest, strapping it on them and sending them into the market. The feeling of righteousness must have been overwhelming for those heroes. They are truly a bright light in this dark mass called humanity. Hopefully in the future, they can strap a bomb to a toddler, or a puppy.

Oh, get with the fucking 21st century, you stupid fucks. Asshole Fuckfaces abound in Iraq. Good luck making your country secure with your archaic, religious rules.

Finally, an Asshole Fuckface cop who doesn’t seem to understand his job.

On January 10th, a 13-year-old girl ran away from her Brooklyn home. Naturally, she met someone who said they could get her a job “dancing at parties.” Typical entry-level job. That person then introduced her to a great lady name Zelike Brown. Zelike told the runaway she had bought her for $500 and she was going to have to work off the debt. Pretty much how we all got started in the workforce.

Then Zelike brought her home to meet her husband, Wayne Taylor, who was a New York cop. Taylor, using his academy training, decided to turn the girl out.

This is why Jesus invented the scrotal punch.

The two Asshole Fuckfaces used a house alarm to keep the girl hostage and told her if she tried to escape they would make her work on the streets. Taylor also made fun of her for not making enough money and once slammed her head into the floor.

Yesterday, the girl escaped and made her way home. Her family took her to the police and Taylor and Brown were arrested for kidnapping, promoting prostitution, assault and endangering the welfare of a child. Way to go, New York's finest! Hopefully, these Asshole Fuckfaces spend a few years in prison.

Congrats to this weeks Asshole Fuckface winners! You each get a FearTheReaper spelunkin' kit!

Yes, you. I think you are fucking disgusting. Wait, I take that back. I only think you're disgusting if you are an American citizen; you Brits and Scots can rest easy. Now, you may be wondering why it took me so long to realize that you are lazy, filthy, awful creatures. Turns out I didn’t know so many of you were okay with gang rape.

Last month a woman came forward to reveal she had been gang raped while working for Halliburton/KBR in Iraq. I cannot fathom the strength it would take to tell the nation you were gang raped by fellow employees of a company working under a government contract.

I guess we can be happy they didn’t kill her; because that is the only thing worse I can think of in this situation. The story is truly horrifying and it sounds like they may have actually planned on killing her, but she managed to call her FATHER.

Yeah, I’m sure they were just keeping her in that container until she calmed down from the gang rape. No way they were discussing killing her. Jones managed to convince a sympathetic guard to give her a cell phone, which she used to call her father.

Just the kind of call a father wants to receive. Dad called his local Congressmen, who called the State Department, who then sent agents from the US Embassy to the base, where they freed Jones from the container. Army doctors examined Jones and determined she had been raped "both vaginally and anally." Then they gave the rape kit to Halliburton/KBR security officers, who made sure it disappeared.

That was two years ago. During those two years it became apparent our State Department and Justice Department are not going to do anything about a young woman being gang raped by other Americans while working in Iraq.

Why? Because private contractors operate outside of the law in Iraq. Apparently, they can rape at will, without expectations of any punishment. Without any criminal prosecution forthcoming, Jones sued Halliburton/KBR in civil court. But that might also be a problem.

Politicians, like Hillary Clinton, then demanded hearings and asked why there was no justice for this woman. Of course, through all their blustering, our lawmakers failed to mention that they are partially at fault. Congress left these giant private contractor legal loopholes open. Congress has not created proper oversight in regards to Iraq, and that created the environment that led to a woman being gang raped by her fellow employees.

The press dug up more instances of overseas rape, which the Justice Department ignored.

Then Congress had a hearing on December 19th, but the Justice Department decided to take a pass and refused to send a representative to answer questions.

So, here we are over a month later. The State Department and Justice Department are stonewalling Congress.

One branch of our government is asking another branch of our government why they are blowing off the gang rape of an American citizen. The answer is simple: The gang rape is the result of the Bush administration’s total lack of oversight of private contractors in Iraq. At the same time, the Justice Department has been turned into a political wing of the White House and the case of Jamie Leigh Jones is a glaring example of what happens when our system of law is usurped by politics. The rule of law crumbles as it caters to political interests. This is the sort of case that can explode and shine a light on the entire system.

Now, why do I think you are disgusting, filthy animals? Because, what the fuck have you done? I immediately wrote my Senators and Congressman, explaining my disgust. The fact that America is quietly sitting around, after a woman was gang raped, while her rapists are protected by our government is sickening. The fact that the system is set up to allow something like this to happen is repugnant. But what is more repugnant is that we sit on our fat asses doing nothing, while women are gang raped and people are killed.

If we put massive pressure on our government to answer for this injustice, there would be action. That is sort of how a Democracy works. And you fuckers are silent. Which makes us complicit in the gang rape of an American citizen. Or you, anyway. At least I managed to take time out of my day to write an email and make a phone call. But don't worry about it, after all, you've got that Lost message board to get to.

We are seeking qualified men to work in an exciting desert environment! Do you want to enjoy sun, fun and a "no rules" lifestyle? Are you currently employed in law enforcement, but feel constrained because you can’t shoot random people in the face? Are you interested in raping female co-workers and walking away without fear of prosecution? If so, we want you to be a part of our team. Come join our firm, No Rules Contracting Corp., in beautiful Iraq!

Today, we are fulfilling the dreams of thousands of Americans just like yourself. Do you dream of killing innocent men while they guard a foreign government building, like Jack Bauer? How about opening fire on innocent Arabs? Are you motivated to rape? Our employees can shoot anyone they want, rape anyone they want, whenever they want – without fear of repercussions. That is a No Rules Contracting Corp. guarantee.

If you work with No Rules Contracting Corp., they better expect it. We are offering a once in a lifetime opportunity that cannot be found in America: The happiness of pure freedom. You can even expect to have a good laugh with your fellow employees after killing whoever you want.

We encourage the “he’s in charge” game. Why? Because we believe you are a valued employee and we are team players. When we say we have your back at No Rules Contracting Corp., we mean it. We live by our motto.

Welcome to a new kind of company. Dream big, because in Iraq you will be the top dog; even above US government employees.

Believe it! The men and woman of No Rules work hard and nothing stands in our way. We founded this company with employees who know how to work hard and play harder.

We don’t want to just hire you as an employee, we want to make you part of our family. At No Rules, we recognize the importance of your experience in the security field, which we incorporate into our unparalleled team building exercises!

No Rules also allows our employees the flexibility to work as independent contractors if they need extra income. Whether escorting criminals out of the war torn country, selling weapons to militias or just shooting dogs, you can expect the full support of No Rules Contracting Corp.

Most employees of No Rules Contracting Corp. will receive their own employee automobile. As part of our company policy to stimulate creativity, we encourage each of our employees to fashion their own driving rules.

No Rules Contracting Corp. recognizes and rewards achievement. We don’t believe in hollow gifts, like an individualized plaque, or a “job well done” badge. Our company understands the commitment our employees show on a daily basis and offers rewards American-based companies cannot, like rape.

After the alleged reward, No Rules Contracting Corp. will make certain your fellow employee will be locked in a container for 24 hours, any incriminating evidence will be disappeared and she will be subjected to a fear program.

Besides our rewards program, we also have an extensive benefit package specifically for males.

No Rules has taken advantage of the lawless status of private contractors in Iraq to create the perfect environment for today’s private warrior. Join our special family today. No Rules Contracting Corp. is currently accepting applicants with law enforcement or Special Forces Military experience. We look forward to hearing from you!

The incident in question occurred nearly a year-and-a-half ago, but is just now coming to light.

The vehicles were part of a Blackwater convoy that apparently felt that riot gas was an appropriate way to deal with a traffic jam.

While a Blackwater spokesperson has characterized the release of the riot gas as a mere gaffe, in which CS gas canisters were mistaken for smoke canisters (which, admittedly, Blackwater uses routinely to clear traffic - a policy the US military frowns upon), it is not clear how such "mistake" might have been coordinated between both the helicopter and the armored car.

Blackwater also claims that the incident was reported to US Embassy in Baghdad, which conducted a "full investigation."

No American soldiers were hospitalized as a result of the incident, but its impact on civilians that day is unknown. CS gas is nonlethal, but neither is it particularly healthy. Moreover,

(Emphasis added)

The State Department's contract with Blackwater did not specifically mention riot gas at the time of incident, an omission which Blackwater evidently took as an "authorization" to deploy the gas at will.

But Michael Schmitt, a professor of international law at the Naval War College in Newport, Rhode Island, disagrees.

Welcome to the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. Not many people know the origins of the Roundup. We have to go all the way back to Paris in the Year of our Lord one thousand three hundred and fourteen. As the Grand Master of the Knights Templar, Jacques de Molay, was being slowly burned at the stake by order of King Phillip IV, he is said to have only uttered one phrase: “Phillip is totally this week’s Asshole Fuckface.” Ever since that day, there has been a weekly Roundup. I search the news each week and unearth subhuman creatures for you to observe, poke at and mock. It is not easy; some would say I am cursed, yet I continue on. So, put on your ponchos, this is going to be ugly.

It seems every week the Pentagon is doing whatever it can to earn the label of Asshole Fuckface.

On Thanksgiving, it was revealed that the Pentagon has decided not to include soldiers who sustain a common and sometimes devastating injury during battle as “officially wounded.”

But, hey, it’s easy to undercount by 20,000. I did it yesterday when I was counting how many Advil I had left.

The Pentagon lists the number of troops who have sustained brain trauma during combat as 4,471 and the overall number of wounded is 30,327. Now tack on 20,000 soldiers who have sustained brain injuries and been left off the list and we are looking at 50,000.

It can be a brutal injury. Take Marine Lance Cpl. Gene Landrus, who was injured in a roadside bomb attack. He blacked out for a few seconds and when he came to, everything was moving in slow motion.

It is often missed on the battlefield because medics are trying to keep people alive and spend more time checking for holes than concussions. But that is no excuse for these soldiers not being included in the official statistics when the injuries are discovered later. That is just pure bullshit designed to hide the truth about the war and because of that decision, the Pentagon is officially an Asshole Fuckface organization.

What’s an Asshole Fuckface Roundup without Wal-Mart? Nothing, that’s what.

Meet 52-year-old Deborah Shank. She was a Wal-Mart employee who got into an accident with a semi. That usually does not go well and it didn’t for Deborah. She ended up with permanent brain damage and in a wheel chair. Thankfully, her Wal-Mart health insurance paid for her medical bills. But Deborah is going to need permanent care, so she sued the trucking company and ended up with $417,000 after legal fees. It was put into a trust to pay the nursing home that she now lives in.

Then Wal-Mart sued to get that money. After all, the Wal-Mart plan had paid for her medical bills, so it was theirs.

Apparently this is a growing practice in our corporate world. They call it “subrogation” and claim it is a way to save money for everyone who is part of the health plan. The Supreme Court upheld the practice, so companies go after every poor injured bastard they can. Certainly Wal-Mart needs the money. Actually, they didn’t just want the money.

Wow, that is nice. Wal-Mart was upset because the Shanks claimed the company was not entitled to the money because it went into a trust and not straight to the family. And for that they must pay.

The Shanks lost the case last year and appealed. Then their 18-year-old son died fighting in Iraq. Then they lost the appeal. That is a bad fucking year.

That just warms the heart, doesn’t it? The Shanks are continuing to appeal the verdict. Wal-Mart remains an Asshole Fuckface.

Next up, my favorite Democratic Asshole Fuckface is back!

You gotta love Rep. William J. Jefferson of Louisiana. In 2005 Jefferson was videotaped accepting $100,000 from an investor. The FBI then raided his home and found $90,000 in his freezer. Of course, that is not a good enough reason to throw the man out of Congress and the good people of Louisiana voted him back in office in a runoff election last December. Then in June, a federal grand jury indicted him on 16 charges related to corruption. He has been charged with receiving more than $500,000 in bribes and demanded millions of dollars more between 2000 and 2005. He could serve life in prison.

Mr. Jefferson Fuckface is a bonanza of corruption and this week we learned more!

Hey, he was just trying to help out.

Just a day’s work.

Uh, why the fuck would the Asshole Fuckfaces living in the 2nd district of Louisiana elect this guy back into office? Oh, right, they're also Asshole Fuckfaces. May he spend many, many years in prison.

Next up, the Asshole Fuckface roundup is always pleased to give our crazy religious friends the nod.

This week it is our good friends at Conservapedia, the conservative version of Wikipedia. Turns out Wikipedia was too biased because the truth can be found everywhere. The stated purpose of Conservapedia was to create “an encyclopedia written from the socially and economically conservative viewpoint supportive of Conservative Christianity.” (Lies.)

Conservapedia kicked off in November of 2006 and it has been kicking ass in a Jesus-like way. There are over 20,400 entries. Sorry, 20,400 “educational, clean, and concise” entries. Not going to find anything about dirty fucking on Conservapedia.

So, now that it’s been a year, let’s check out what the good conservative people of our great nation search for and read.

Most viewed pages:

#1 Main Page [1,932,512]
#2 Homosexuality [1,623,972]
#3 Homosexuality and Hepatitis [518,027]
#4 Homosexuality and Parasites [433,369]
#5 Homosexuality and Promiscuity [422,103]
#6 Gay Bowel Syndrome [401,126]
#7 Homosexual Couples and Domestic Violence [373,943]
#8 Homosexuality and Gonorrhea [332,073]
#9 Homosexuality and Anal Cancer [294,344]
#10 Homosexuality and Mental Health [293,754]

Yep, that is clean and concise all right. I can picture thousands upon thousands of Christian Asshole Fuckfaces reading Conservapedia while shaking their heads in disgust and harshly gripping and tugging on their penis until it erupts. Seriously, just fuck a dude. You want it so bad it is insane.

And, uh, homosexuality and parasites? What the fuck?

Congrats to all of this weeks winners. You will be receiving a FearTheReaper silk tie in the mail.

One of the big arguments for the pro-war crowd is that we just can’t leave those Iraqis alone after invading and setting off a world of chaos. They believe that if we were to leave Iraq, the country would immediately fall apart and many people would be killed. They, of course, never address the fact that people in Iraq are dying all the time and our presence seems to be doing little to stop the violence and some have even argued that a US presence actually encourages violence because our favoritism creates more tension. I agree with the latter.

Now comes some interesting evidence that maybe the “lets keep the troop in Iraq forever” crowd is completely wrong. In September, British troops pulled out of Basra and moved to an airport near the city. Some may find the results surprising, I don’t because it makes complete sense.

Well, there you go. The British believed – and have been proven right – that having their troops patrolling only caused more violence because people were trying to kill them. They theorized that if you took out the guys everyone was trying to kill, then less people would try to attack. Pretty simple.

Iraqis now patrol the center of the city and the British rarely enter. The situation is much different in Baghdad because Basra is a Shiite city, while Baghdad is a mix of Sunni and Shiite, who have been fighting for centuries. Pulling troops out might not have the same effect as in Basra, although even the British have been surprised at the incredible drop in violence.

The British have been in talks with the most powerful Militia in Basra, the Sadr militia, in an attempt to lure them into being part of the political process. They hope, in the end, that the militia will support the Iraqi security forces.

In other parts of the country, the US has backed the Islamic Supreme Council of Iraq over Sadr, even though Sadr has stronger support among the Shiite masses. The ISCI has been losing support due to its ties with the US government and Iran, as well as a reputation for being corrupt and employing death squads. Basically, the US backed the wrong horse and the British example is the way to go for peace. But it is not surprising because the ISCI represents upper class Shiites, while Sadr represents the lower class. We know who the US always chooses in that situation.

Unlike the British, we have selectively chosen the weakest and least popular of the two forces. In the end, it simply won’t work. The best solution would be to engage both Shiite groups, instead of picking a side. The worst solution is to back the group that does not have the support of the street and create even more resentment between the organizations. Right now the two forces have called a truce to fight the surge.

Of course, none of this takes into account the Sunnis, which the US has been arming to fight al Qaeda. That is also pissing off the Shiites. Each day our policies are creating more and more tension and anger and we are throwing extra weapons in as a bonus. Ugh. Acceptance and negotiation or willful ignorance with force? It sounds like we have taken a completely different approach than the British.

Volume 10 of the FTR series in which he puts the word "fuck" in front of a presidential candidate's name.

The presidential primary races are beginning to heat up a bit and one asshole has actually been gaining support: Mike Huckabee. Which forces this incredible writer to have to take the time to show you that Mike Huckabee is a horrible, horrible man.

Huckabee began his professional life as an ordained minister, serving at different churches in Arkansas and he is a former president of the Arkansas Baptist State Convention. His political career began shortly after he felt the power of ruling the convention. In 1993 he was elected as lieutenant Governor of Arkansas and then as Governor in 1996. He left office earlier this year. But it is not like The Huck wanted to go into politics, rather, he was dragged, kicking and screaming, by God.

And now Mike is hoping we can support him and do what is right for America.

Oh, good, he’s never read The Constitution or a history book. But we can all take solace in the fact that he has read one book. He has called on conservatives to vote on the “social issues that are undermining” the wall between church and state. You know, the wall the Founding Fathers built so nutjobs like Huckabee would not be able to impose their religion on everyone else.

Oh, then maybe you should keep working as a minister instead of running for president. We should all be very afraid of a man who believes that only by following his religion can we solve the problems of our society. And we should be even more afraid of a man who got into politics to promote his religion as the solution.

During a recent Republican debate, Huckabee said most of the “signers of the Declaration of Independence were clergymen.” This is classic Christian re-writing of history and the man is said it during a debate, on live television. It is what attracts other religious nuts to his campaign, because it is what they want the truth to be. It is not the truth.

“Most” = 1 out of 56, or 1.8% for those of you who love percentages. But the truth should never get in your way when you are using The Bible as your platform for change.

And he has done what he can to legally inject his religion into our society. One example of his work is the Convenant Marriage Act of 2001. Covenant Marriage laws have been passed in three states: Arizona, Louisiana and Arkansas. It is completely ridiculous for the government to be involved in such marriages, and a bit creepy.

What a fucking joke. You need a legal reason to come to this agreement? Our government really needs to pass a law for something that is clearly a personal and religious decision? But that is the Huckabee way and I’m sure he believes he did a lot of good getting that religious law passed.

The Huck, of course, also does not believe in evolution.



He's got some solid reasoning, though.

Well, that is why you should send your kids to Christian school, nutjob. There are a shitload of other fairy tales we could teach as the beginning of mankind as well, but we don’t.

Huckabee was given a chance to explain his beliefs on evolution in a later debate.



Does not make me feel better, sport. And way to stick up for your Christian beliefs and dodge the question, just like Jesus would have.

Being a religious man, one would think that The Huck would run a squeaky clean government. Instead, he went with being a corrupt asshole.

One retired Arkansas government official summed up Huckabee nicely.

Well, then he fits in quite well with the new breed of Christian politician like George Bush. When Huckabee left office, he made sure no one would know the shit he had been up to.

Yeah, because no one had thought of writing a law forbidding the crushing of computers. Nice work, douchbag. Oh, and I'm sure Jesus used to crush computers, too.

And Huckabee did his best to represent Arkansas with dignity.

Way to go, you are a classy man, Huck.

Of course, being a Christian, The Huck is in love with our crusade against the filthy Muslims.

I’m actually reminded that al Qaeda did not exist in Iraq before 9/11 and our war there created a training ground for future terrorists, as well as largely increasing their numbers. But you keep thinking whatever you need to think, God boy. Mike is one of those candidates you should support if you want eternal war.

Uh, hey, “whatever it takes” could mean nukes, you psycho. No man who is as religious as Huckabee should be allowed to hold the office of president during this time of war. He should be disqualified because of his biases and his desire for Jesus to return after Armageddon. Most important of all are the words of support he had for Bush’s surge.

Really? Here’s a list of leaders who were stubborn: Saddam Hussein, Ayatollah Khomeini, Stalin, Hitler, Franco, Mussolini, Emperor Hirohito, Napoleon and Idi Amin, just to name a few. And I agree, you shouldn’t change the course of a military every time there’s a new opinion poll, you should change it when you are getting nowhere and it is obvious to everyone in the world.

The Huck also doesn’t think the president needs Congressional approval to go to war, like it says in that thing called The Constitution.

He was speaking as if Iran had grabbed the items necessary to make a nuclear weapon, dashed across the border and then started building it as fast as they could. The reality is that Iran is years away from a nuclear weapon, according to all experts that are not part of the Bush administration. Worse of all, he called seeking Congressional approval a “luxury.” Madison would have kicked the shit out of this guy.

The Huck is a delusional asshole, who paints a rosy picture of anything that is horrible, as long as it’s not happening to Christians. This summer he had some wise words about how the prisoners in Guantanamo were being treated.

Oh. Uh, okay. Here are some details of how awesome it is at Guantanamo from an FBI report.

I bet The Huck would say the same thing if Guantanamo were holding Christian prisoners, right?

Mike Huckabee is a religious lunatic, plain and simple. If he wants to be president of a Baptist organization, I’m all for it but he has no place being the president of the US. We already have experienced 7 disastrous years with a born again running the country and it has clearly not gone well. The last thing we need is another 4 more years of crusades. The man clearly has no understanding of The Constitution or history.

Hezbollah was started in 1982 by a group of Muslim clerics, with a lot of help from Iran, after Israel invaded Lebanon. Iranian Revolutionary guards were sent to Lebanon to create a militia that would resist the Israeli occupation. Now 25 years later, we get to watch the exact same circumstances create the exact same radical political and military organization, but this time in Iraq.

Iran is certainly funding Shiites in Iraq. Why shouldn’t they? Their greatest enemy, the US, is constantly banging the war drums. The only logical and smart path for Iran to take is to set up another Hezbollah type organization in Iraq. They have certainly learned from their mistakes in Lebanon and will know how to implement a plan that will win over the locals quickly.

Hezbollah gained favor with many Lebanese by providing social services that the government was unable to provide. The US invasion and pathetically planned occupation of Iraq has created the perfect environment for a new Hezbollah to rise out of the chaos and win over the locals. In the '80s Hezbollah provided desperately needed social services, hospitals, schools, along with radio and TV stations. They basically provided the basics to build a society, something the US has not done in Baghdad.

According to CBS News, a Hezbollah type organization is taking root in Iraq. The Mahdi Army has always been a problem for the US. The smart, brutal and radical Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr is their leader. Much of our fighting in Baghdad has been against the Mahdi Army. They rule a slum and the street fighting can be quite dangerous. But now it seems they have stopped fighting, and that is not a good sign.

Last week, US ambassador Ryan Crocker warned that Sadr’s men were taking over businesses, like gas stations and other “basic services,” in Shiite neighborhoods. They are beginning to use control over necessities and social services as their main weapon.

Now the US finds itself in a delicate situation. To attack the Mahdi Army will be to attack those giving basic services to the people. Whoever wins the support of the street, wins the war.

But the US is doing exactly that, in an attempt to find the “bad guys.” So, one day maybe we pick up the guy who was delivering medicine to sick people, or the guy who supplies clean water, or the mechanic who fixes your car. Maybe we destroy a building some insurgents run into and it turns out to be a medical clinic. This is a situation built for our failure. We don’t understand the culture or the language. Iran and Sadr do.

Looking back on the invasion, this should have seemed so obvious when the looting was going on, as our soldiers stood around and watched. They were not given orders to stop the looting of the entire country. Hospitals, offices, schools; everything was torn apart and carted off. Iraq’s entire infrastructure was demolished in a month. Not enough soldiers on the ground meant massive security problems. Nearly every choice the Bush administration made in Iraq was the wrong one. Now, out of the chaos will rise an organization that can provide help and it’s not the USA. It is a radical Islamic cleric, with support from Iran.

It turns out one country had very shrewd leaders and another one was full of idiots. Too bad the idiots have all the planes and bombs.

America is birthing a new Oliver North right now. It is a painful process because first we have to find a guy who is totally fucking over the country and then we have to elevate him to the level of right wing hero. The new North is Blackwater CEO Erik Prince and he is one hell of a douche bag.

Prince has been making the rounds on television lately because Blackwater has been murdering people in Iraq and they cannot be prosecuted under current laws. See, Blackwater says it falls under US military laws that give it immunity from prosecution. And coincidentally, the company says it is not a branch of the US military, so it does not have to obey the military's rules of conduct. To they can roam the land killing anybody without consequence. It’s a murder party! Yay!

Recently Blackwater murdered 17 Iraqi civilians without cause. There is no evidence that Blackwater guards were fired on by Iraqis, but a lot of evidence that Blackwater shot at innocents who had no weapons.



A bit of a hiccup by Prince when Wolf said there was no evidence of Iraqi shell casings. Uh, uh uh...

There were two teams of Blackwater guards in the area, both containing multiple vehicles. They could have easily fired on each other and then started killing civilians. Either way, they appear to be a group of mercenaries who massacred civilians.

So what to do if you are about to lose a massive military contract? PR push! Send out the emails! Turn that frown upside down! So far Prince has had interviews with The Washington Post, Newsweek, The Wall Street Journal, CNN’s "Late Edition with Wolf Blitzer," CBS’ "60 Minutes" and PBS’ "Charlie Rose." Today the company sent out an email.

Jesus, boo fucking hoo.

Using Blackwater murderers is far more expensive in terms of actual money and the cost of horrible publicity with Iraqis.

The average Blackwater guard makes $600, which is a tad bit more. And it’s great for our guys because they can see a bunch of assholes driving around killing people and ramming vehicles, while making shit loads more money. I believe that is what is not known as “morale building.”

Today, the Iraqi government hit back.

That actually sounds great. Get ready for a draft, kids! The US has no business bringing mercenaries into this occupation. It is a recipe for disaster and they seem to have a bit of a problem with restraint. The private businesses are a large reason why we are in a huge hole. They are operating with no oversight, fucking over everything they touch without the threat of repercussions. Our government is giving shitloads of money to corrupt businesses that do shoddy work. Just take a look at our fucked up embassy in Baghdad.

It's all part of the same problem. Private business allowed to run about and do what ever the fuck they want. At this point, the best thing that could happen to America’s misadventure in Iraq would be for the Blackwater guards to be charged in an Iraqi court for killing the civilians. But expect the right wing to circle the wagons and do what they can to help out Prince and his murderers. Then Prince will be elevated to hero status and given a radio show.

It is fascinating to watch Democrats make such stupid decisions when picking presidential candidates. We can go back to the eighties and take a look at Michael Dukakis or Walter Mondale. What the fuck? Pathetic candidates. Then came Bill Clinton, the Godsend. Realistically, he squeaked through. Without Ross Perot taking votes from Bush senior, he probably would have lost. And he certainly came with a shit load of baggage. After Clinton, the Democrats picked the most boring man alive, Al Gore. They followed that lame pick with the extraordinarily weak John Kerry. You could offer Kerry $10,000 and he couldn’t say something in a sound bite.

Now the Democrats are in a fantastic situation. The Iraq occupation is still seen as a Republican creation and a Republican problem. The majority of Americans want the war to end. So, who is leading the primary polls? Hillary Clinton, one of the few people running who voted for the war. And she has not backed down from her vote. Now, of course, she says she wants to end the occupation, (because the polls have changed) but she is still a war mongering corporate tool. The one issue Democrats could knock out of the park and they will put forth a candidate that who barely differs from the Republican opponents. Amazing, but consistent.

Sure, we are a long way from Election Day, but right now Clinton is pulling away in primary state polls. As careful as she plays the game, I would not expect a crazy Howard Dean scream meltdown. She has a massive funding machine in place and a shitload of Clinton heads who will vote for anyone who was ever anywhere near Bill. It’s sad, because I don’t see a big difference between some of her policies and Bush’s policies. Take Iran. Here’s what she wrote in Foreign Affairs this month.

Okay, so what Hillary is talking about here is pre-emptive war. If they do what we want them to do, then all is well. But if Iran does what it wants to do, then “All options must remain on the table.” That is how Hillary has decided to treat a sovereign nation. Seems quite familiar to another president who is currently in office. Never mind that Iran would never attack the US in a million years with a nuclear weapon. Whoever thinks that is a possibility is complete and total moron. And we should not be bombing to protect Israel. They seem to be big boys and can take care of their own problems.

Hillary already has already given Bush the green light to attack Iran’s Revolutionary Guard.

Ignorance at its best, the same as we’ve gotten from Bush for all these years.

From the Iranian perspective the answer is obvious: Make as many nuclear weapons as fast as you can. We invaded Iraq, who didn’t have them and eventually talked to North Korea, who did have them. It’s pretty simple; a nuclear weapon is the only thing that will make the US back off.

The idea that Hillary actually used the line, “let the Iranian people know that our quarrel is not with them but with their government” is fucking amazing. That’s a Bush line, straight out of the build up to the Iraq war. It also something the Iranian people won’t really go for when bombs are raining down on their country and killing them.

Only targeting the Revolutionary Guard is an idiotic idea. The Guard is not a separate entity from the Iranian population. They are not bred in warehouses on an island.

So, that should help with the “we only have a problem with your government” plan. We are killing your brothers and fathers because we don’t like your government. Cool? Bombing will only increase support for the Iranian government, rather than foster any roots of democracy.

But keep throwing your support behind Hillary, Democrats. Of all Democratic candidates, she is the only one I could see leading the US into another war.

Condoleezza Rice was having an irony blow out yesterday as she traveled the world and babbled from her mouth. Our Secretary of State decided to criticize Vladimir Putin’s power grab and to tell Israel not to mess up the peace process. This coming from a woman whose boss seems to think diplomacy is evil and his presidential power is above all other branches of government. Bush is the ultimate unitary president, which means Condi should shut her pie hole when it comes to criticizing other countries democracies.

How the fuck she could make these statements about Putin with a straight face is amazing.

Uh, hey lady, does that sound familiar to you at all? Seems you just described a fella named George W. Bush. He is actually your boss. Ever hear of the Department of Justice scandal? Read about any of his judicial appointments lately? Recall the 2000 Supreme Court decision that put him in office?

You should read this thing called the Patriot Act. It sort of undermines “liberty and freedom” here in the US. The "Right to assembly?" I guess that is why your boss has been using "protest zones" to keep anyone who disagrees with him far, far away. And I would consider warrantless wiretapping an “arbitrary power of state,” by the way. Same goes for kidnapping people off of streets around the world and detaining them without charges for as long as we like.

Does Putin deserve to be criticized? Yeah. Should it come from anyone working in the Bush administration? Fuck no. The White House lost that right long ago.

Thankfully, Condi wasn’t done making an ass out of herself yet. Rice arrived in Israel today, in a pathetic attempt to get the peace process going. Kind of odd for a woman who helped start a “pre-emptive war” based on false information to think she can talk peace. But healthy shame has never been a part of the Bush White House.

Oh, yeah. You’re the expert on avoiding actions that might lead to conflict. When I think of Condi Rice, I think of white doves, peace and happiness. She certainly isn’t a liar. She definitely didn’t have a hand in selling false information to the American public. And she has always been about the truth and peace.

I would like to think otherwise, but a strong case can now be made that the Democrats are not stopping the Iraq war because they know it will kill any chance the Republicans have to keep the White House next year. What the Democrats are doing if far more sickening than the Republicans. They are stretching this war out for political advantage.

Nancy Pelosi and Rohm Emanuel appeared on two different shows this weekend. Both made the same bullshit points. First, Pelosi appeared on CNN.

Absolute horseshit. Stopping the Iraq war has nothing to do with voting, it can be accomplished by doing nothing. Democrats can end the war by NOT bring up a funding bill. Then funding ends and the war ends. Thankfully, Blitzer calls Pelosi on her bullshit.

Yes, you certainly could do that. And wouldn’t that be horrible, if you forced the Republicans to do something they don’t want to do? My God, it might actually seem like you were a politician doing your job. But, you wouldn’t want to try every avenue available to you to “"Bring the war to an end" as you assholes said in the run up to the 2006 elections.

Pelosi is referring to a motion to recommit when she speaks of “Parliamentary prerogative.” The motion to recommit is the prerogative of the minority and the majority doesn't see the motion until it’s made (or just before it's made). This is how the Republicans brought the MoveOn amendment to the floor in the Senate. If the majority really was against the bill they could filibuster. Taking this road would undermine cynics like myself, who believe Democrats don’t really care all that much about ending the war. But the Democrats are proving to be an amazing group of pussies.

Later Pelosi is asked why the Democrats are not sending bills about withdrawal timetables to the president.

The fuck it is. The Democrats took office on the promise of ending the war. So, what happened? MORE soldiers were sent to Iraq. The war was expanded. Fuck off, Nancy. This is both parties war now. That is why Congressional approval rates are at 11%.

Thanks for the hearings, I feel much better. Keep up the good work. If all goes well, you will hearing the shit out of this war. The next Democrat asshole to spew this crap from his mouth was Rahm Emanuel on Real Time with Bill Maher.

Uh, yeah it’s exactly a way to get them out of there. Do you think wars end by continuing to fund them? I’m going to go ahead and make the bold and daring statement that when ending a war, funding decreases. They actually cost almost nothing if you are not fighting one. And if you take away funding, it does not mean you just leave the troops in the desert. We would actually probably know how to bring them back. I know this because I am not retarded.

Rahm continued to ramble about how we need proper armor for Humvees and Kevlar vests, and that is why we need to fund the soldiers. Can't disagree with that. Of course it has nothing to do with continuing to fund that war. We get that the money in part goes to arm the troops. We didn’t think it went to build a pretty boat in Florida.

Then Rahm gets to the heart of the matter.

Ah, yes. We need a Democratic President. There is the end game.

Then do it, fuckface. Because right now, you aren’t doing everything in your power to make it happen and that is what the American people expected when they gave you control of Congress.