The election is upon us. Today may be the largest turnout for a presidential election is US history. Many people are predicting 130 million voters will turn out, which is unprecedented. The large turnout will happen for two reasons: The first is Barack Obama’s Barack Obamaness. He is the most talented and gifted politician we have ever seen, and he will be our first black president, which has increased voting among minorities to a level never before seen. The second reason for the rise in voters is straight up stupidity. The other side is frightened of Obama because they literally have piles of shit where their brains should be.

I know, I know. This is a new day. I should be kinder and be a good winner. To that I say, “Go eat a dick.” You are a herd of Neanderthals who need to pick up a book (besides the one) and maybe switch to a different news channel. The enormous amount of absolute horseshit many Republicans believe is nothing short of astounding.

Let’s start with the Muslim rumor. How fucking dumb do you have to be to believe Obama attended an anti-American Christian black church AND that he’s a Muslim? Can you please hit yourself in the head with a pipe, you horrendous vacancy of a human? A recent poll found that 23% of Texans believe Obama is a Muslim.

None of you should be allowed to vote. You should be deported to Idiotistan. Or better yet, we should give Texas back to Mexico. For free. Just take it. Not only did you give George W. Bush to the world, but you are apparently becoming dumber. Emails are not fact, they are letters, written by an asshole you know, which should give you more pause. If I believed every email my father sent, I would be locked up in a halfwit farm. There is zero evidence showing Obama is a Muslim. Zero.

Next up, people who think Obama is a socialist should give themselves a home lobotomy. At least you would then have an excuse for being such an ignorant asshole. Your complete lack of understanding of different types of governments is nothing short of shocking. You are so simpleminded I’m surprised your dogs don’t feed you, instead of vise versa. According to your definition of “socialism,” EVERY country on the face of the Earth is socialist. That’s how fucking stupid you are. If you believe “spreading the wealth” is socialism, you just called Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan and Dwight Eisenhower socialists. You should have a sixth grade civics book crammed up your anus. You should not be allowed near a ballot.

Next, many people actually believe Barack Obama is a communist.

There is a significant group of Americans who actually believe Obama is a communist. They are beyond hope, beyond redemption. They are a stain on humanity. Here is their leader.



Wow. The only thing Victoria Jackson has less of than talent is intelligence. This is what happens when you only read the Bible and listen to Fox News. Oh, and watch 1984 and think that someone “being on TV a lot” equals 1984. Calling Barack Obama a communist is indefensible. I honestly don’t know how someone can be this obtuse and exist in the world. They are the enemies of intelligence, and therefore the enemies of democracy. Morons like Victoria Jackson should be feared far more than terrorists because they are more dangerous.

Next up, Obama pals around with terrorists. They are, of course, speaking of William Ayers.

Aside from the ridiculous use to the word “pals” to describe Barack Obama’s association with William Ayers, the idiots who use this phrase have gone with the plural. Terrorists. There’s an “S” on the end. As in, “Stupid,” “Simpleton,” and “Shitbrain.” Either that or William Ayers is going to split into two different humans soon. The connection is so far fetched, anyone using it as an excuse not to vote for Obama suffers from a medical condition known as “fuck pie brain.”

Insects should look down upon you. The constant use of the phrase, “Obama should come clean about his connections with Ayers” is so sophomoric and pathetic it is astounding. Why don’t you come clean about your goat fucking?

See how that works, you colossal fucking moron?

Of course, you idiots then take it a step further: Barack Obama is a terrorist. Really? I mean, you seriously allow that to escape from your mouth, without a tinfoil hat on your head or following it up with, “Corn is murder!”

Do you even know what a terrorist is? What has he blown up, I mean, besides today’s popular vote? And how do you survive being so dumb When you eat, do you just cram food into your mouth without chewing and then wonder why you can’t breathe? Because that’s what you do with thoughts and facts.

Many of you tools actually believe Obama is a Muslim terrorist plant who wasn’t born in the US. You actually think he was born elsewhere, because his birth certificate is “fake.” See, terrorists foresaw 47 years into the future and planted a mole baby. They knew that the baby would succeed and become president because he was black and had a crazy Muslim sounding name. That’s just how America works. Idiots write this nonsense. I’ve seen the emails and the comments attached. Many of these insults to the human race actually believe a story that is almost as fantastical as the story of Jesus. They are literally people who do not have the ability to feel embarrassment.

Oh, and how about the fact that Obama kills babies? Not just the kind that are aborted as fetuses, but actual babies. You idiots actually believe Obama supports infanticide and burning children alive. I think when he is finished killing babies he eats them. Some he puts on stakes around his home to ward off pro-lifers.

Anyone who believes just a fraction of any of the above ideas is an embarrassment to Democracy and humanity. Even though Obama will clearly win today’s election, it has made us stare directly into the face of the mass of American idiots and say, “What the fuck?” There is a massive group of voters in the country who are shockingly stupid. They believe Obama is a terrorist, communist, socialist, Muslim, baby killing, heretical Christian. Please combine two of those accusations and see how they work.

Know many Muslim communists? No? How about socialist terrorists? Are they a big danger to America? How about baby killing socialists? No? Communist heretical Christians? No? What about heretical Christian Muslims? What about baby mole socialists? How about baby killing baby mole terrorists?

Even though this election will be a sound thrashing, it also confirms how many Americans are a complete waste of skin.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Image courtesy of the New Yorker.

Remember Travelgate? How cute was that scandal? It started in May of 1993 when seven employees of the White House Travel Office were fired after the FBI started poking around. The Clinton administration said they were fired because of “financial improprieties.” Then the right wing went fucking batshit crazy and claimed the Clintons had brought in the FBI as part of some crazy plot to get rid of the employees and replace them with their friends.

Then everybody but the White House janitorial department investigated. The FBI jumped in, and so did the Justice Department, the General Accounting Office, the House Government Reform and Oversight Committee and the Whitewater Independent Counsel. Kenneth Star exonerated Bill Clinton and an Independent Counsel concluded Hillary had made false statements, but nothing that warranted prosecution. It was a big old pile of nothing that cost taxpayers millions.

Now, that was just the firing of seven people – who worked in a God damn travel office. Now consider that the Bush administration looks mighty suspect for firing US Attorneys who did not aggressively prosecute Democrats or were prosecuting Republicans and the difference in the way the administrations have been treated is quite startling. Where’s the independent counsel? Where are the millions of dollars to follow those serious accusations up? No?

What about the fact that the White House appears to have blatantly broken the law by deleting 10 million emails?

Now let us close our eyes and imagine what would have happened to a Clinton White House if it had deleted 10 million emails. It’s a bit different, isn’t it? Imagine if those emails that were deleted occurred during a time when Bill Clinton took us to war, outed a CIA agent and fired a bunch of US Attorneys. Seems Bill might have actually been executed.

And forget about those possible violations of the law they could have been hiding, just deleting the emails is completely illegal.

Little media coverage? You don’t say? You mean the media doesn’t cover the Bush administration with the same rabid dog mentality that they treated the Clinton administration? Wow. You mean when CREW issued a report two days ago detailing how the number of deleted emails could actually be 10 million and no major media organization picked it up, that wasn’t the same way Clinton would have been treated? Shocking.

At least last month the media was able to jump all over the story of how the RNC has started a petition to get the Clintons to release 20 million emails. Now, that is some important shit.

Why do I bring up this comparison nonsense? Because idiot right wing douche bags continue to bring up Clinton to this day. “But Clinton got away with, you didn’t care when Clinton did it, Clinton was a criminal…” On and on and on.

Anyone who brings up Bill Clinton’s name as a comparison to anything George Bush has done is a complete and total fucking moron. The mentally retarded should look down upon you as an intellectual inferior. You should actually be taken behind a barn a shot in the head because you are such a useless waste of humanity. Even worms and insects should shun your useless, decomposing body for its lack of substance. A steaming pile of shit will give more to the Earth than your corpse as it rots. Basically, your existence is an affront to God.

So, do everyone a favor and shut your pie hole.

FearTheReaper was no Clinton fan, but if you can’t see the difference…

This is a big week for idiots. They are doing their best to make us aware of something that does not exist: Islamofascism. It would be kind of like having a Headless Horseman Awareness Week, or a Bogeyman Awareness Week. So, get out your favorite anti-Islamofascist costumes, because October 22-26 we are getting very fucking aware!

Smell that? It is the sweet smell of idiots trying to think. The main moron behind this pathetic awareness week is David Horowitz. Apparently Davey had some conversations with students from different university campuses who were “concerned” how little their fellow students knew about the murderous monsters of the Middle East. The students were also worried about the“unholy alliance” between campus leftists and jihadists “seeking to undermine the War on Terror."

Admittedly the “unholy alliance” is a huge problem. You can’t swing a dead ocelot on campus these days without hitting a jihadist and a liberal who are holding hands. Thankfully, The Horo stepped up and is doing what he can to make us aware of this pressing danger.

The events sound pretty awesome and make me wish I were in college again. I do miss having protests against things that aren’t real. (I was president of the Chupacabra Awareness Group for one semester) Check out the festivities.

Memorial services for the victims of Islamic Terror both in America and around the globe.

A Student petition denouncing Islamo-Fascist violence against women, gays, Christians, Jews and non-religious people.

A Teach-In on “The Oppression of Women in Islam.”

Sit-ins in Women’s Studies Departments and campus Women’s Centers to protest their silence about the oppression of women in Islam.

Prominent speakers against Islamo-Fascism such as Ayan Hirsi Ali, Mark Steyn, David Horowitz, Nonie Darwish, Christina Hoff Sommers, Phyllis Chesler, Frank Gaffney and Daniel Pipes.

Documentary films about the Islamo-Fascist crusade against America, Israel and the West.

Distribution of materials on Islamo-Fascism including the pamphlets The Oppression of Women in Islam, The Islamic Mein Kampf, Why Israel is the Victim, Jimmy Carter’s War Against the Jews, and What Every American Needs to Know About Jihad.

How great is it that they managed to get David Horowitz to speak? Someone must have had to make a lot of phone calls. I also wonder how many of the right wing kids who are going to partake in the sit-in at the Women’s Studies Department are anti-abortion and against an ERA amendment.

The events should be fun, even though there is no such thing as an Islamofascism, according to Juan Cole of the University of Michigan.

But it sounds awesome! So, fuck off Mr. Lefty Professor. Go buy another tweed blazer with patches on the elbows. I’ll take the word of one time super Senator Rick Santorum over you any day of the week. Or these exact days.

If Santorum is involved, you know it’s serious! So be there or be a jihadist! Enjoy the shit out of this week America!

Just in case you were under the impression that stupid doesn’t trickle down from the top, it should now be abundantly clear how wrong you were.

See, I don’t know about you, but when I’m setting up my own personal propaganda network to attempt to “win the hearts and minds” of the people of the Middle East, I’m going to make sure that the people I hire speak the fucking language. I mean, I wouldn't want to set the bar too high or anything, but it might be useful in the broadcasting industry to actually know what you're broadcasting. I dunno. Just a thought.

Silly Representative Ackerman. "Adult supervision" would require that the administration be run by actual "adults."

The station is run by the Broadcasting Board of Governors, which is an independent federal agency in charge of all government sponsored non-military worldwide broadcasting. Its board is comprised of nine members. Eight of those members are appointed by the President. The ninth is the Secretary of State. You may be sensing a pattern with the whole “presidential appointee” thing.

But rest assured, my friends. Everything is now under control.

Whew. Thank goodness some of them have been fired. I feel so much better.

Hat tip: herbancowboy