Louis, by the grace of God, King of France and Navarre, to all present and to come, greeting from the year 1708:

One of the most useful tools of an absolute monarch like me are lettres de cachet, which may be translated as “seal letters”. You might not be familiar with this term. In my time, a seal letter (in its narrow sense) is a direct order from the king by which a subject is sentenced without trial and without an opportunity of defense to imprisonment in a state prison or an ordinary jail, confinement in a convent or a hospital, transportation to the colonies, or expulsion to another part of the realm. It’s a common practice – not a practice I’m particularly proud of, but sometimes necessary to lock away potentially dangerous individuals and maintain the power of the crown. In other terms, it’s the standard procedure to dungeon political prisoners. This is how absolute monarchy works.

However, most of you are living in a democracy, and your time considers seal letters symbols of the abuses of what you call “absolutism”. That’s why the founders of your democracies invented the writ of habeas corpus, which is basically a legal procedure through which a person can seek relief from unlawful detention of himself or another person. It has been praised as being one of the cornerstones of individual freedom and democracy. Leaders have now to justify themselves when they dungeon someone. This is how democracy works.

However, the habeas corpus can be somewhat unhandy when dealing with politically motivated arrests, for example, of supposed terrorists. That’s why the U.S. Government had this really great idea: build a prison outside the U.S. borders such that they can imprison people without any trial. I’m the last one who could condemn political imprisonment - but, as far as I understand, this is not how democracy works.

Now it seems that democracy strikes back. In the case Boumediene vs. Bush, the U.S. Supreme Court affirmed on June 12 the habeas corpus rights of detainees in Guantanamo:

The full text as PDF

Whereas I feel with King George W., Rex Christianissimus Americae, that he can no more sign lettres de cachet, I have to admit that this court decision is a victory for democracy. As you might have guessed, I’m not a big fan of democracy - but, if you do it, you should do it correctly. If you give the power to the people, you can’t take it away with the other hand. And, luckily for you, democracy has mechanisms like the Supreme Court to prevent political leaders to undermine its very basic principles.

This is how democracy works.

Given at Versailles in the month of June, in the year of grace 1708, and of our reign the sixty sixth.

Yesterday was a great day for horrible people. Congratulations to the Republicans in Congress for stopping three major bills with filibusters. The bills would have helped soldiers, restored habeas corpus and given Washington DC representation. How terrible would that have been?

Lets start with how the Republicans just shoved their fists up our soldier’s anuses. Senator Jim Webb sponsored legislation that would have given our troops a break from the grueling tours that are taking a heavy toll.

Currently, soldiers are spending 15 months in combat with 12 months home. Wouldn’t want to ruin that fun for them. The Republicans are foolishly doing the bidding of the White House and rejecting sanity and reason. Quite simply, they are George’s bitches.

Stay loyal boys, it worked so well in the last election for you. At least Republicans can take solace in the fact that when our soldiers come home we will deny them their mental health benefits.

Next up on the Republican hate train, the filibuster of a bill to restore habeas corpus for "enemy combatants."

Can’t see how anything could go wrong with that system. Our president has shown himself to be an honorable man who would never cause anyone harm based on his own distorted beliefs. Currently, he only has to designate someone as an “enemy combatant” and then toss him in prison. Game over. It’s kind of like a medieval dungeon. I say that because habeas corpus was born in 1215. It only took 800 years for a president to come along and tell us that we’ve been wrong that whole time.

There used to be a worldwide belief that America was a nation of laws and people could not be “disappeared” by the government. People never imagined that America was a place where someone could be locked up without trial indefinitely. Those days are over. Nice to see Republicans have taken a page from Saddam Hussein and that they aren’t backing down. Yay!

And in their final stroke of being complete and utter douchebags, Republicans filibustered a bill that would have allowed a city of mostly black people, called Washington DC, to have a vote vote in Congress. So they get to enjoy taxation without representation! How fucking great is that? Did I mention the population is mostly black people?

Republicans actually claimed the bill was unconstitutional.

Yes! Apparently Republicans did not realize that stance made them astounding hypocritical douchebags, because they had just taken a steaming dump on the Constitution when they filibustered the habeas corpus bill. Oh, and the DC unconstitutional question was taken into account when the bill was written.

Woudn't want the experts in the Supreme Court to make that ruling.

But it’s not about the Constitution or the rule of law is it? It’s about the party and making sure their team wins. Whether that means they’re fucking over our soldiers or fucking over black people, it’s Republican first, American second. Right now the GOP cunts are on pace to triple the previous record of using the filibuster in the modern era. Meanwhile, they squeal about “nothing getting done.”

I don’t know what else to say, except “Suck it, you fucking demons.”

During his testimony before the Senate Judiciary Commitee last week, attorney general Alberto Gonzales spoke on a variety of subjects, including the Bush administration's role in wiretap authorization for suspected terrorists and the FISA courts that oversee granting warrants for wiretapping. One choice comment that he made that has thus far been widely overlooked my major media outlets, however, was when he directly asserted that the constitution does not grant the right of habeas corpus to individuals being tried for crimes.

So, while there is an explicit prohibition against the government violating habeas corpus, that doesn't necessarily imply a similar right to it? Lincoln explicitly suspended habeas corpus several times during the civil war, and while his assassination may have cut short any attempt to impeach him over it its constitutionality remains dubious, and the necessity for authorizing its suspension depends on "rebellion or invasion." The Supreme Court has upheld its status as a fundamental right, citing it as "one of the centerpieces of our liberties." That it would be so casually cast aside by the man who is supposed to be safeguarding constitutional liberties as his primary job is bordering on absurdity.

October 21st:

By the time you read this, it might be too late; I might already be dead. I’ve emailed Helen_Jupiter repeatedly, begging her to post this column immediately. Perhaps someone will read this and heed my cries for help! Unfortunately, that bitch keeps insisting that she will only publish my weekly column on Thursdays! This is no joke, Helen! I just hope to God I can hold out that long...

Shhhhh! Qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqquiet, you damn keyboard! I hear footsteps. I’m typing very softly now. I’ve noticed that when I italicize,my keyboard sounds quieter. Oh no. They’re coming closer! I’m going to stash my laptop in one these dungeon wall fissures. More to come…

October 22nd:

I apologize if the last entry confused you. The moaning in the other cells has stopped, so I know it must be nighttime. I think it’s safe now. Last week, everything was fine. I don’t know why this happened exactly. On Thursday, October 19th, I posted my column in which I called Mel Gibson an “oily piece of shit.” Seven hours later, while I had my pants around my ankles and was masturbating furiously to nude photos of avalonchase on the SG website, my door was kicked in. Men in black suits grabbed me and told me that in accordance with the newly signed “Military Commissions Act,” I was hereby considered an “unlawful enemy combatant.” They also told me that Avalon Chase looked hot, and that I had a small penis. I didn’t even have time to feel insulted, because before I knew it they had already injected me in the neck with something. I accidentally ejaculated on one of them. It was gross. I passed out.

Before I was dragged off, while the men in black suits weren’t looking, I covertly stashed my WiFi equipped laptop in my semen-dampened boxers.

The ‘Qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq’ key seems to stick now. I’m sorry. I know it’s disgusting, but it could be worse. It could have been the “e” or the “t” keys, and then this account of my capture and subsequent torture would be unreadable. Thank God for small miracles.

The rest of what happened that day(s) is a blur. I dozed through the majority of it. I do remember being carried onto a small Jet. I also remember hearing the engines hum for what seemed to be an eternity. I remember feeling the wheels touch down. I remember having a wet dream about Avalon Chase. We were both lobster people swimming in a sea of melted garlic butter. I’m pretty sure the drug in my system was partially responsible for the melted garlic butter part.

Anyway, I’m looking around my cell. I want to write this as accurately as I can, in case someone actually reads this column. Here’s what I can tell you about my surroundings. I am currently writing to you from a damp, dark dungeon in a foreign country where I can conclusively tell you that torture and bodily molestation laws DO NOT apply. Perhaps I’m in Darfur. Perhaps I’m in Afghanistan. Perhaps the Vatican City: I sometimes hear little boys screaming.

I think…no, I KNOW that I am relatively close to a Starbucks. I know this because I’ve found that the various cracks and crevices of my cell are littered with promotional materials from 'Akeelah And The Bee' as well as empty containers of Tall, Grande, and Venti cups emblazoned with that creepy Masonic mermaid logo. She’s become my only friend here. I call her Queen Latifah (I like her acting). We discuss coffee harvesting techniques. She tells me Starbucks buys only the highest qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqquality Arabica coffees available, beans whose flavor develops fully through the Starbucks Roast® process. I also know I am near a Starbucks because my WiFi is picking up two bars from a T-Mobile Hotspot signal labeled, "Starbucks." Those two bars are my only connection to humanity: to you, my loyal SG readers: to Avalon Chase’s portfolio of scrumptious photos.

Qqqqqqqqqqquiet! They’re unlocking the cell doors…

October 23rd:

My God. I’m not sure how much longer I can stand this mental and physical torture! Yesterday, they told me that I was to be waterboarded. Initially I was psyched. I was under the impression that waterboarding was that thing you see people do in places like Corpus Christi, TX during Spring Break. You know, where a water-ski boats pulls what resembles to be a surfboard...

It’s not. They tried to kill me! I was drowning. So I told them everything they wanted to know:

I confessed to masterminding the 9/11 attacks. Although I wasn’t born yet, I told them that I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll in Dallas. John Wilkes Booth didn’t kill Lincoln. I did! I sent those explicit Instant Messages to the sixteen year-old page, not Mark Foley! I lied about Weapons of Mass Destruction, I outed Valerie Plame, I bought every nsynch album ever produced, I tortured those prisoners at Abu Ghraib. Hell, I tortured myself today! It was me! I did it! I did everything! Just make it fucking stop!!!

Oh no! They’re coming AGAIN!!! Help me! For the love of God, Helen, please publish this!!! Please help!!!

October 24th:

George Walker Bush is a great man. He is a hero to our people. He is a War President. A Decider! It would be disgraceful to not overturn the 22nd amendment to the constitution; the amendment that places a two-term limit on the Presidency. God (Jesus) has chosen George Walker Bush to rule, therefore he should rule for eternity!!! All hail George W. Bush!

Also, Donald Rumsfeld is an attractive, caring man who is in excellent dental health. Rummy wants his teeth to look that way!

My new friends in the black suits told me that I am going home today. I had a wonderful vacation! The food and amenities were wonderful: the watersports fantastic!

I, for one, cannot WAIT to vote Republican across the board this November, and I urge everyone at Suicide Girls to do the same! We’re under attack by terrorists, and only God-fearing Republicans can save our great Nation-State! Praise Jesus! Sieg Heil! Hallelujah!


Jon_Kesselman is now the newest Political Pundit for Suicide Girls. Look for his upcoming show, "Straight Talk," on Fox News this Winter! A devout Christian, Jonathan is opposed to Gay Marriage, Abortion, and Stem Cell Research. He is a staunch supporter of the Bush administration, the “Military Commissions Act of 2006,” and abolishing the antiqqqqqqquated 22nd Amendment to the Constitution.

On October 17th, President Bush signed the Military Commissions Act of 2006. The Act allows the United States government to try any "alien unlawful enemy combatant" under a military commission.

Under the act, an "unlawful enemy combatant" is defined as:

MSNBC's Keith Olbermann points out the biggest flaw of the act:

Military commissions explicitly deny the prisoner both the
writ of habeas corpus and the Geneva Conventions, which are in place to protect people against unlawful imprisonment.

Under this new Act, if any individual is designated an "unlawful enemy combatant" by the President's undefined "competant tribunal" and imprisoned, they no longer have any legal right to claim their imprisonment is illegal.

Even if it is.