Suck It Reverend Wright
Few of us were fortunate enough to escape the bizarre ape-shittery that was the Republican uproar over Barack Obama's former minister's comments regarding America. Even if Obama has distanced himself from the Reverend Wright, conservatives said, how could he have ever attended his church to begin with if he didn't share those beliefs?
Well Republicans, prepare to be tongue-tied with all your backpedaling. It seems that anti-female female Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin's former pastor (whose name is actually Tim McGraw) has some interesting views of his own.
Among them:
"faith healing" and the "end times" -- a violent upheaval that they believe will deliver Jesus Christ's second coming.
"Our basic belief is that God is God and he knows where history is going and he has a purposeful plan and within the middle of that plan we live in an environment in our world where certain events would take place," says McGraw. "Sarah wasn't taught to look for one particular sign -- a cataclysmic sign. She knew as every Christian does ... that God is sovereign and he is in control."
Okay, nothing too out of the ordinary there. Oh, wait, there's more from another one of her former preachers:
Senior Pastor Ed Kalnin, from Wasilla Assembly of God once said those who voted for John Kerry for president in 2004 would not go to heaven. The church has since said he was joking about those voters going to hell and has apologized. That same pastor also said that Alaska will be a refuge for the end days..that Alaska will serve as a shelter for Christians at the end of the world. Pastor Kalnin said God is going to basically reserve (Alaska) for the place of refuge because the earth is groaning for the return of God.
Couldn't God have chosen a warmer climate? Say, Hawaii?
Oh yeah, the church also talks in tongues:
Palin's former pastor, Tim McGraw, says that like many Pentecostal churches, some members speak in tongues, although he says he's never seen Palin do so. Church member Caroline Spangler told CNN, "When the spirit comes on you, you utter things that nobody else can understand ... only God can understand what is coming out of our mouths."
Well... hey, at least she's multi-lingual! All right, but still, she left that church in 2002...
But the Assembly of God says she still returns for special conferences and events, such as the graduation of ministry students in June. Video of a speech she gave at the church just two months before joining the Republican ticket is making the rounds on the Internet.
Speaking of the troops in Iraq, Palin says on the video, ""Pray for our military men and women who are striving do to what is right. Also for this country, that our leaders, our national leaders, are sending them out on a task that is from God. That's what we have to make sure that we're praying for -- that there is a plan, and that plan is God's plan."
Maybe it's just me, but the God I believe in sure as hell wouldn't have fucked up in Iraq this badly. And, to be fair, the church she joined in 2002 isn't exactly an improvement.
Palin now attends the Wasilla Bible Church. She was there on August 17, just days before entering the national spotlight. David Brickner, the founder of Jews for Jesus, was a speaker. He told congregants that terrorist attacks on Israel were God's "judgment" of Jews who haven't embraced Christianity. Brickner said, "Judgment is very real and we see it played out on the pages of the newspapers and on the television. When a Palestinian from East Jerusalem took a bulldozer and went plowing through a score of cars, killing numbers of people. Judgment -- you can't miss it."
The McCain campaign says his comments do not reflect her religious views. Palin's spokeswoman says she is pro-Israel.
So, just for the record, this is the storyline: Obama believes what his reverend (whom he has disavowed) said, but Palin doesn't believe what her current pastor says. Stick to the script, you sinful bastards, and we'll be fine.
Edgeplay With God
I met a stripper with a Three Stooges tattoo the other night at a bar called Tigress. She bitch slapped one of my companions hard while she gave her a ferocious lap dance. Threatened my balls with spike heeled platform shoes. Hissed in my face that she was into edgeplay. She said she got giant fish hooks stuck through her back with which they hung her bleeding body from the ceiling till her screams careened off the hard brick dungeon walls. Said they pierced her labia with five-inch needles. She worked for Lloyd Kaufman at Troma Films for years. Ive heard what thats like. The lady could take some pain.
Edgeplay. Theres a word I hadnt heard before. Playing on the edge. Risking injury or even death for the sake of a thrill, a charge, an orgasm that will finally live up to all the lies they tell you about orgasms, a white hot bone rattling explosion of raw nerve endings thatll blot out forever all the darkness at the center of your heart
Look. We all do what we do to find our way in this wacky old world, to satisfy what we think needs satisfying, to make some money. Its not my business to pass judgment on how she felt she needed to live her life. Im glad there are people like her around. It keeps things interesting.
But you want edgeplay? I got edgeplay for you.
Zazen is edgeplay with your immortal soul. Zazen is edgeplay with God.
The atheists got all bent out of shape a few weeks ago when I suggested they were full of shit. What do you know about atheism? You sit there, stock still without even a dominatrix to torment you and thus distract you from whats real. You spend a few years right there, nose to nose with yourself. Then you can come back and talk to me about whether God exists or not. Until that day you havent earned the right to tell me shit about God. So fuck off with all your oh so well thought out words and words and words and words. Atheists are full of shit.
There is no God and He is your creator.
If you want your meditation gentle and sweet, with a soothing, stilling voice to ease you through, stay away from Zen. But if youre into real edgeplay stop by my place some Saturday morning and Ill show you how its done.
But watch out. This kind of edgeplay doesnt come baring fangs and out for blood. Nobody will yell at you, nobody will smack you with a stick, nobody will even tell you when you get all the steps wrong. Its very warm here, very friendly and welcoming. All smiles. Well even brew you some tea and tell you lousy old jokes. No need for posturing. Thats because we know who the hardest mistress of all is. Were not even going to try and match the punishment she can mete out. The best we can do is point you in her direction and let you decide whether youd rather run away whimpering with your tail between your legs.
Most people havent got what it takes to face themselves. Thats not a judgment call. Thats just a fact of life. Well face anything else to avoid the terror of confronting our own hearts and minds. Leather restraints and single tail bullwhips dont even come close. The fundamental nature of your own being? Now thats scary. That can cut you up good. Slice you to ribbons and not even break a sweat.
Ive never been interested in any kind of meditation that wasnt edgeplay. I never had a whole lot of patience with people wanted to guide me through some kind of a process. Envision the white light of the cosmos enveloping your body
Fuck that. Dont give me your pictures and stories. Every religious nut I met and I met a few of them had pictures and stories they wanted to stuff into my head and teach me how to regurgitate on command. As if God cared whether I could recite their stupid fairy tales when ordered to do so. They could stuff their stories. I wanted to slash away everything I didnt need and get down to the raw burning core. The only way to strip away everything is to strip away everything.
The Zen way is excruciatingly slow. At least when they hang you from hooks in your back they take you down after a few minutes. Well just leave you sitting there twisted up like a pretzel for days or weeks at a time. Itll take for-fucking-ever before you even have a clue why youre wasting all this time staring at walls. Quick fixes are for hyperactive retards. If youre looking for a speedy solution dont let the door smack your ass on the way out.
But the scary stuff is just one side of the picture. Were all afraid of reality. All of us. Me, too. But the truth about reality is that its never as scary as we imagine it. I suspect this is what people like my stripper friend discover in their edgeplay. When you actually come face to face with the things that scare you, usually you that what you thought was Satan come to burn you in the fires of damnation is really just Gene Simmons, a nice old Jewish man in freaky make-up.
Reality is always the best place to be. The truth is always the best thing to see. There are never any exceptions. You cant run away anyhow. So why waste your energy trying? And God? God isnt a million zillion miles away on his diamond throne somewhere in outer space. God is the wind on your face. God is the sky as your reflection. God is that something buried in your head that you always thought was you. Its not you. There is no you. That thing you think is you, actually belongs to the universe. And the universe will take it back one day. On that day it will be just like you never existed at all. Cuz you never did. But the universe will carry on forever. And so will that something you always thought of as yourself. And so will God. So there.
Ms. Edgeplay stripper wrenched my friends nipples and stage-whispered to her how wet she was getting. As if I couldnt hear. Humped her leg like a dog in heat. God wasnt far away at all. If I ever doubted Her presence She showed it to me by grabbing my cock and telling me how She wanted to feel it inside Her.
There is no God and she dances for tips at Tigress.
Brad Warner is the author of Hardcore Zen and Sit Down and Shut Up!. He maintains a blog about Buddhist stuff and a MySpace page too. If you're in Southern California and you want to try some Zazen for yourself, he has a group that meets every Saturday in Santa Monica.
Pat Robertson Declares Yoga Spooky.
Hey, sinners! You'd better come out of that downward dog right now if you want to save your soul from hell fire!
On a recent 700 Club (you guys saw it, right?) one viewer wrote in apparently trying to determine the consequences of DYWC (Doing Yoga While Christian).
I've always been curious about yoga. What is the Christian view of this form of exercise? Does it really have its origins in evil? Can engaging in such a form of exercise adversely affect our spiritual health?
Pat "9/11 was caused by abortionists, feminists and gays" Robertson replied that:
Stretching is great. I think stretching before you exercise is fine. They have some stretches that are part of the yoga regime that are very good for you. But when you get into that other stuff and you get into the higher consciousness and you're supposed to merge your spirit with the ever-present God and God is everywhere, it's a form of Pantheism. It gets really spooky and I just dont think you ought to be engaged in yoga.
Oh, for Krishna's sake. What's wrong with the concept that God is everywhere? Remember Jesus? Remember when he said he was God and then he showed up on Earth? I remember learning in Sunday school to always give to the homeless because it could be Jesus in disguise because he is everywhere!
I know what Pat is getting at. If we great unwashed masses think that God is within our realm or that we can be lifted up to a higher mind, we might start thinking for ourselves and wanting peace. (Uh-oh!)
But clearly Pat "stretching is great" Robertson has never been to a yoga class. You dont just close your eyes and find God. I've tried to quiet my mind many times but usually I'm just thinking, "Don't fart. Dont fart. Come on, stomach. Hold it in for another 45 minutes."
When our yoga class has to chant the occasional "Om" I'm not falling under the spell of pantheism. I'm usually wondering, "Whose breath is that? Why can't people brush their teeth before class? Why does everyone have to try to chant the loudest? It's not a competition."
I've never heard any Hindu Gods whispering to me while I'm on my mat, trying to lure me to the dark side. What I do hear over and over are horrible Dave Matthews Band and Blues Traveler songs. (My yoga teacher likes to make his own mix CD's. During the hardest part of the class he starts blaring shitty music that's more appropriate for a game of hacky-sack.)
Besides, kids and Christians these days aren't just doing yoga for spiritual enlightenment anyway. We all secretly want a body like Madonna (well, except for her psycho arms
) Namaste.
Are You There, God? Its Me, Ernie. Ill See You in Court, Jerk
Many of you should be familiar with the classic American short story The Devil and Daniel Webster, where a satanic Mr. Scratch takes on famous lawyer Daniel Webster to court for the possession of a local New Hampshire farmers soul. Its a fun bit of word-play and Faustian Americana, but its just a story. After all, you cant really take the devil to court, can you?
Up until now the answer had been essentially no, per the famous federal district court opinion in Gerald Mayo v. Satan and his Staff, 54 FRD 282 (1971). There, a plaintiff filed a federal complaint against Satan for
[ ]violation of his civil rights in forma pauperis. He alleges that Satan has on numerous occasions caused plaintiff misery and unwarranted threats, against the will of plaintiff, that Satan has placed deliberate obstacles in his path and has caused plaintiff's downfall. Plaintiff alleges that by reason of these acts Satan has deprived him of his constitutional rights.
The court, after some cheeky references to the Daniel Webster story, declined jurisdiction over Beelzebub, essentially saying that he was impossible to serve papers on. Basically, its a bit of technical law geekery, but it has some precedential value for courts to use to kick out subsequent suits aimed at the Lord of the Underworld.
But will the same logic apply if someone sues The Big Man Upstairs? Well, my friends, were about to find out. Thats right, Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers is taking the Almighty to Court.
The lawsuit accuses God "of making and continuing to make terroristic threats of grave harm to innumerable persons, including constituents of Plaintiff who Plaintiff has the duty to represent." It says God has caused "fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, devastating droughts, genocidal wars, birth defects and the like."
The suit also says God has caused "calamitous catastrophes resulting in the wide-spread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earths inhabitants including innocent babes, infants, children, the aged and infirm without mercy or distinction."
Chambers also says God "has manifested neither compassion nor remorse, proclaiming that defendant will laugh" when calamity comes.
Chambers asks for the court to grant him a summary judgment. He said as an alternative, he wants the judge to set a date for a hearing as expeditiously as possible and enter a permanent injunction enjoining God from engaging in the types of deleterious actions and the making of terroristic threats described in the lawsuit.
Chambers, who is quite obviously a Democrat since he hates God, is not fucking around. Hes even made an argument to attempt to get around the jurisdictional issue that doomed the Mayo suit. In order to sue someone, you first have to show that the court you have filed the suit in has power over that person. Thats jurisdiction. One way that a court gains jurisdiction over a person is if that person has contacts (physical, financial, etc.) within that courts state. Here, Chambers hopes to get around Mayo by arguing:
[ ]that defendant, being omnipresent, is personally present in Douglas County.
Works for me, lets get the show on the road, right? I suppose its worthwhile to note that the suit was filed as a symbolic protest and that Chambers, an agnostic, has no personal problems with He Who is Called I Am. While there are conflicting reports as to what exactly Chambers is protesting (some say Chambers is working to ensure that the courthouse gates stay open to all litigants and some say Chambers is upset at the filing of another lawsuit he considers frivolous), were pretty sure hes not serious enough that hes going to start dodging lightening bolts. Chambers, who describes himself as left of San Francisco, is the most liberal member of the Nebraska State Senate and has a long history of forceful and pointed legal chicanery.
Because of Chambers, the Legislature routinely backs bills its members wouldnt otherwise have dreamed of supporting. He cajoled his colleagues into abolishing corporal punishment in schools, correcting the state pension system so that women would be treated equally with men, and backing a switch from at-large municipal elections to district-based voting so that nonwhites would have a chance to serve. Under his sway, Nebraska led the nation in the 1980s in divesting in companies that did business with apartheid-era South Africa. Every session he introduces a bill calling for an end to the death penalty. He once got the Legislature to approve it, but could not overcome the governors veto.
[
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Chambers is famous for an unsurpassed knowledge of legislative rules, which he uses to derail bills that threaten those he calls the downtrodden. This attracts the criticism that he is the great obstructionist, better at halting legislation than creating laws. As one colleague observed, In Washington they call it a filibuster. In Lincoln, they call it Ernie. Once, Chambers filibustered on the state budget until his colleagues agreed to set aside half a million dollars for a minority scholarship fund. In the 2005 session, he blocked the legalization of concealed weapons, as well as a constitutional amendment protecting the right to hunt, which he said would trivialize and pollute the state constitution. In classic Ernie Chambers style, he introduced a raft of riders to the amendment that would protect such other rights as creating, recreating, conversating and procreating, hunting for the link between Noahs Ark, Joan of Arc and Archimedes, and sitting on the front porch on a warm summer evening, drinking a glass of cold lemonade, dreamily watching the silvery moon rise to begin its journey across a darkening velvet sky powdered with stardust.
The Noahs Ark line is genius. And, as soon as I can figure out what exactly this suit against Yahweh is protesting Ill be ready to file this baby in the genius pile as well. I mean, Jehovah may be all-knowing and all-powerful, but my guess is that Johnny Cochrane doesnt exactly live in His neighborhood. All the really good lawyers play for the other team, see. So itll be a slam dunk victory, right?
Not so fast. Hes gotten Hisself some reprazentation, yo.
Eric Perkins, an attorney in Corpus Christi, Texas, said Friday he filed a response to the lawsuit from Nebraska State Sen. Ernie Chambers. "It's kind of a turn on 'What would Jesus do?'" Perkins said. "I thought to myself, "what would God say?"
"Defendant denies that this or any court has jurisdiction ... over Him any more than the court has jurisdiction over the wind or rain, sunlight or darkness," according to Perkins' response.
As for Chambers' contention that God made terroristic threats, inspired fear and caused "widespread death, destruction and terrorization," Perkins wrote that God "contends that any harm or injury suffered is a direct and proximate result of mankind ignoring obvious warnings."
Your move, Ernie.
Subrosa would wish Senator Chambers good luck, but as a fellow agnostic he doesnt really want to betray his rooting interest here. Hes sure the Distinguished Gentleman from the Cornhusker State will understand.
Parents Televison Council - If You Were a Person I'd Punch You in the Dick
The Parents Television Council may be the worst group in existence. I'm including Nazis, jocks and even people who "fist bump" as a greeting.
They are evil, out of control, and shockingly, somehow a group people pay attention to. They rank TV shows according to the amount of sex and violence they contains, so you don't have to bother using your brain. How does one person decide what's morally right for another person, whose values may differ from theirs? Good question. Oh, and they have a close-minded, god-fearing agenda.
A study conducted by the non-profit Parents Television Council found that instances of violence during family-hour broadcast TV had increased by 52.4 percent since it conducted a similar study in 2001, while the amount of sexual content grew by 22.1 percent.
"In the past six years, the family hour has become even more hostile to children and families," the Parents Television Council said.
Poor, poor children. Yes, it's crucial to clean up the "family hour" according to your creepy, axe-grinding mission. It's not like you're some shady group whose form letters make up 99% of the complaints to the FCC. A group who spoon feeds your members easily digestible issues to protest, based on what you've decided in advance is "allowed". Who cares if they ever even bothered to watch the episode? It's for the children right?
Apparently this godless heathen disagrees with them.
TV Watch said the study had used "faulty analysis, biased methodology and suspect omissions as part of an ongoing effort to influence regulators and lawmakers to take family viewing decisions out of the hands of parents and give them to the government."
The executive director of TV Watch, Jim Dyke, said parents had the means to control what their children watched, including the "V-chip" feature built into TV sets that allows them to set controls based upon program ratings.
"Parents need to make the decisions about what's appropriate for their child," Dyke said.
I'm conducting a study on how woefully out of touch the PTC are with the average, brain-possessing human. Forget the whole "evil, right wing monsters" thing, I'm merely citing examples of their antiquated world view. Evidence below.
1) Um, their warning system (a red, yellow, or green light, ranking acceptability), requires it's own warning!
For a more detailed ratings description CLICK HERE.
WARNING! Graphic descriptions are used.
Ghah! What to do! I want to protect my child but, at the risk of risking exposure to graphic language... Even for an adult like me, it may be too risky...
2) Ridiculous? Nope, some idiot complained. Enough idiots to warrant its own FAQ.
Is it necessary for PTC reports to be so graphic? Can't you allude to what is on shows without describing in detail the material you're criticizing?
The PTC regrets the necessity of publishing graphic examples of content from the most offensive prime time shows. Because it would be unfair to criticize programs without knowing the specifics of objectionable dialog and visuals, the PTC must provide members who wish to contact sponsors, the FCC, etc to criticize shows with precise, detailed information.
Yeah, couldn't you allude to it? Like, say, mention briefly, in passing, the part where the guy puts his "thing" into her, ahhh, you know... um, private area... part, region... so to speak- Jesus forgive me!
3) The first test for determining whether something is obscene:
An average person, applying contemporary community standards, must find that the material, as a whole, appeals to the prurient (arousing lustful feelings) interest;
Average? Like, what, 5'9" with an unremarkable build and mediocre intellect? Where does one find "contemporary community standards," a church bulletin board?
If I got "lustful feelings" while reading the above, where and how do I go about citing myself? Also, I've developed a quick, home remedy for manipulating the body in such a way that it instantly rids the body of lustful feelings, is this something that is encouraged. FYI, the kinks haven't been worked out as sometimes it causes me to fall asleep right after.
4) The entire list of GREEN, acceptable shows according to the PTC:
7TH HEAVEN, AMERICAN IDOL THE SEARCH FOR A SUPERSTAR, AMERICAN INVENTOR, ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A 5TH GRADER, DEAL OR NO DEAL, DOC, DON'T FORGET THE LYRICS, EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, EXTREME MAKEOVER: HOME EDITION, FAST CARS AND SUPERSTARS, ITS A MIRACLE, JUST FOR LAUGHS, LISTEN UP, MIRACLE WORKERS,NATIONAL BINGO NIGHT, POWER OF 10, SET FOR LIFE, SUE THOMAS: F.B.EYE, SUPER NANNY,THE SINGING BEE.
I wouldn't let my kids watch a single one of these fucking shows. The Billy Ray Cyrus show? Singing contests?, The show where Ray Romano hates his wife and kids? No. Meanwhile "Veronica Mars," one of the most responsible, empowering shows ever to tackle issues like rape and teen life, gets a RED LIGHT. Because, context means nothing and teen sex is teen sex.
5) This PTC complaint:
During a cutaway shot to the stadium spectators, the camera focused directly on a woman wearing a t-shirt clearly inscribed with the words "F--k Da Eagles" (without the dashes). The shot stayed focused on the woman and her shirt for several seconds. There can be no doubt that this was an intentional airing of patently offensive language on the public airwaves.
Fucking hilarious. I could see allowing it with both dashes, or even one dash (F-CK), but, NO DASHES?! I change my mind. I will not tolerate anything less than full dash protection.
---- you!
6) As well as this one:
..viewers have been exposed to visual depictions and verbal references to sexual content including partial nudity and pixilated nudity, adultery, oral sex, masturbation, pornography, anal sex, incest, violence, and a plethora of curse words...
Holy fucking shit! "Curse words"??? You just said "curse words"and you didn't fight in the first World War.
Yeah, you should be in charge of everything.
7) Finally, the guy who founded the site, looks like this:
Yeah, I don't trust this shifty looking bastard enough to let him drive a bus load of pedophiles off a cliff, and we're supposed to listen to his opinions on entertainment?
TheCoolerKing didn't bother to proof this and that will probably come back to haunt him.
C'mon, Just Admit You Love Dog Fighting, Already
I don't care for football, and am even less of a dog-fighting aficionado, so I didnt pay a ton of attention to the Michael Vick situation. I knew the charges, and that a lot of people stuck by him, convinced hed be vindicated
And then today I saw the following.
Michael Vick apologized today for his involvement in dog fighting and vowed to redeem himself.
Already? Redeem him for what? Im not advocating the abuse of dogs but what aspect of dog fighting has changed in the months since you were arrested? Didnt you love it a few months ago? Obviously, whats changed is he got caught and has been advised by a publicist/lawyer to go this route. Whatever happened to standing by your beliefs? Having some conviction?
Maybe that sounds crazy but I would honestly prefer it to yet another asinine round of 1) celeb fucks up 2) celeb repents, instantly realizing the error of their ways 3) celeb returns bigger than ever.
Just admit you love the shit out of dog fighting. Or tell us why were wrong. Or, I dont know
something that isnt clearly a huge manufactured lie? We KNOW he was for it very recently. Why let him lie about it and act as if hes being sincere here.
Shortly after entering a guilty plea on a federal dog fighting conspiracy charge -- one that leads to a Dec. 10 sentencing date and probable prison term -- the suspended Atlanta Falcons star made his first public comments on the situation. He stood at a lectern in a hotel in Richmond, Va., and spoke for a few minutes without notes but did not take questions.
Sounding neither rehearsed nor overly emotional, Vick apologized to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, the Falcons and "to all the young kids out there for my immature acts."
He called dogfighting "a terrible thing," and said, "I reject it."
He said, "Through this situation I've found Jesus," and later added, "I will redeem myself. I have to."
Of course... Of course you have. The other huge celeb re-hab component, Jesus.
Finding Jesus after a situation like this is basically saying, I did something so heinous that NO OTHER PERSON ON EARTH stood by me, I fucked up everything with everyone, so badly, that I had no choice but to go to that guy who HAS to accept me, according to that book he uses. The Beeble. What? Oh, shit, its pronounced "Bible"?
Jesus really needs to bust out the fake glasses and floppy hat so he can start ducking these guys. Too many people "find him."
The Falcons said they do not plan to immediately cut Vick and are sorting through their options.
"We simply cannot terminate Michael's rights," Falcons owner Arthur Blank said at a news conference. "It would be a short-term fix at the expense of our long-term success."
Wow. Is he actually talking about football? Well, we could but
I do love making money
Blank, who called Vick's statement "heartfelt," said the player had "let down his fans and his team and betrayed the trust of many people."
Its cool everyone, that guy who was just worried about the Falcons record, whose fate is directly linked to that of Vicks, totally thinks it was on the up and up.
Rich McKay, president of the Falcons, said the team would "aggressively" attempt to recoup any bonus money paid to Vick, who in 2004 received a 10-year, $130-million contract extension. According to various reports, the team will try to recover as much as $29 million.
You're not gonna cut him. But you are gonna try to get your money back. Got it.
Blank indicated that if Vick reacted in the correct way, he might be able to resume his NFL career at some point.
Like, by, not killing more dogs? Or does he have to go the other way and help them by rescuing them and teaching them to read or something?
Vick, who signed a plea in which he agreed to provide the government with any information that could be useful in the prosecution of others, repeatedly emphasized that he took full responsibility for his actions.
A dog fighting narc. Look for the reality show this fall in which a suspiciously skittish Vick shows up at dog fights in full NFL uniform and urges perps to state their name and speak up into his micd lapel flower.
"I totally ask for forgiveness and understanding as I move forward to better Michael Vick the person, not the football player," he said.
He then, winked, tossed a ball to a fan and high-fived a beaming Jesus who rushed onstage and presented him with a GODS PAL adorned jersey.
Full disclosure regarding animal abuse. TheCoolerKing enjoys that scene in Conan The Destroyer where Arnie punches out the camel.
Christian Domestic Discipline - Over the Knees is the REAL new position.
With all the sexy, fun play S+M offers, it comes as no surprise that everyone wants in on it.
Including Christians.
Of course, letting themselves indulge in the pleasure of giving and receiving pain must be some sort of sin. Thank god for the interweb.
And the Lord said 'Lay the Smack Down!'
Welcome to Christian Domestic Discipline, or CDD. All the fun and smut of playful spanking, but with God looking over your shoulder, reminding you that its alright. The Bible says so.
A domestic discipline marriage is one in which one partner in the marriage is given authority over the other and has the means to back the authority, usually by spanking.
A Christian Domestic Discipline marriage is one that is set up according to Biblical standards; that is, the husband is the authority in the household. The wife is submissive to her husband as is fit in the Lord and her husband loves her as himself. He has the ultimate authority in his household, but it is tempered with the knowledge that he must answer to God for his actions and decisions. He has the authority to spank his wife for punishment, but in real CDD marriages this is taken very seriously and usually happens only rarely.
Rarely? Thats odd, especially when you look into the blogs of the women on the site, or even the glossary. Certain terms like Maintenance Journal, which is a record kept over a set length of time that is presented to a husband prior to a scheduled spanking. Some women use the impending punishment as a way to keep the house clean, or keep up to date on raising the children. Hell, its even useful for staying true to a diet.
Its all just a little fun, right? Just some S+M play so loosely veiled as the One True Word that theres no harm? The site even goes so far as to give you help with introducing CDD into your marriage, making sure to stay as far away from S+M as it can.
Explain to him that wanting CDD does not make you a masochist. You simply want him to have true authority in your marriage. Living in the roles God has created for you is the real attraction of CDD, not the pain/punishment. Spankings/punishments are necessary but may not be enjoyable for either party.
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Assure her youre not a sadist, and though you might be turned on by seeing her behind or by her submission to you, you will never gain pleasure from causing her pain.
Hmm, seems hard to swallow the lie when the front of the page assures you that getting pleasure out of the act is natural and probably just Gods plan. The glossary remains ever helpful and even gives you some starting positions and tips!
Corner time: An alternative form of punishment where a wife is required to stand facing a corner, often with her bottom on display, before, during, or after a spanking.
Diaper Position: Spanking position where wife lies on her back with her legs raised upwards toward her head.
OTK: Acronym for Over the Knee. A popular spanking position in which the wife is placed face down across her husbands lap with her head on one side, her legs on the other, and her bottom supported by his knees.
Anyone else hot too?
So whats the big deal? Even with terms like AAAC: Acronym for Avoid At All Costs. A spanking designed to be particularly severe or Pre-emptive Spanking: A spanking given before an event or occasion where a wife has, in the past, had a difficult time with her behavior in the hopes the reminder will help her to behave, sparing her a more severe punishment spanking, its all consensual fun. Except the glossary falls to give one definition. Safe Word.
S+M is sexual play, something that goes only as far as the receiver will allow, and stops the minute it is not wanted anymore. CDD is just dominance. Period. If this is play, the game doesnt stop outside the bedroom. It forces the wife into a submissive role, so much that she lives in constant worry of her next spanking. Sounds a little like walking on eggshells in an abusive relationship, not knowing when youve failed your maintenance report and your husband will punish you.
But the site stays adamant that CDD is in no way abuse. The punishment given with CDD is given out of love, while Domestic Abuse is given out of hate. Its hard to tell where to draw the line, especially when religion calls no comebacks on their beliefs, as if legality cannot touch them.
All I hope is that, when the wife is over her husbands knee, who of course, gets no pleasure out of hurting her, that she can stop the act the moment it leaves her comfort zone.
But I guess thats against the point of a punishment.
Holy Bible Vs. YouTube: Blasphemy Challenge Recruits
It used to be that dare-devil youngsters would get together during a sleep-over, dim the lights and scare the bejesus out of each-other while challenging the spirit of Bloody Mary or waiting with bated breath around an Ouija board. Today, however, it seems that the ghost stories of yore are passé and wussy, if you will. Now teens and twenty-somethings are upping the ante by forgoing spooky board games and, instead, firing up their computers and challenging the big guy himself, God.
Newsweek reports that,
More than 400 mostly young people who have joined a [YouTube] campaign by the Web site BlasphemyChallenge.com to stake their souls against the existence of God.
[...]
The Blasphemy Challenge is a joint project of filmmaker Brian Flemming, director of the antireligion documentary "The God Who Wasn't There," and Brian Sapient, cofounder of the atheist Web site RationalResponders.com. Their intent was to encourage atheists to come forward and put their souls on the line, showing others that you don't have to be afraid of God. The particular form of the challenge was chosen because, by one interpretation, blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, a part of the Christian Trinity, is the only sin that can never be forgiven.
He forgives me. He fogives me not. The sacrilegious Web site instructs participants as follows:
Record a short message damning yourself to Hell, you upload it to YouTube, and then the Rational Response Squad will send you a free The God Who Wasn't There DVD. It's that easy.You may damn yourself to Hell however you would like, but somewhere in your video you must say this phrase: "I deny the Holy Spirit."
Why? Because, according to Mark 3:29 in the Holy Bible, "Whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven; he is guilty of an eternal sin." Jesus will forgive you for just about anything, but he won't forgive you for denying the existence of the Holy Spirit. Ever. This is a one-way road you're taking here.
Once you have shot your blasphemous video, just follow these two easy steps:
1. Go to this link on YouTube to upload your video as a "Video Response" to the Blasphemy Challenge. (You can log in or register on that page if necessary.) Please put the URL http://www.blasphemychallenge.com somewhere in the text description when you upload your video.
2. When the video appears on YouTube, send the URL to this email address: waronchristmas@hotmail.com. Also include a complete United States mailing address* so we can send your free copy of The God Who Wasn't There.
First Amendment rights in full effect? Or just one filmmaker's attempt at cheap publicity at the expense of angsty youth going through their Hot Topic phase? You decide.
You Are All Going To Die
Be afraid, be very afraid. According to Pat Robertson a terrorist attack in 2007 will result in lots and lots of dead people. Pat knows because he is closer to God than the rest of us.
"I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear. The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that."
Fucking Lord. He always sort of tells Pat what is going on but never really totally gives up the important details. So cheeky.
Apparently God told Pat about the future horror when he was on a prayer retreat. That is how The Lord does things, he waits until you are on a retreat, because its quieter. It seems major cities and millions of people are fucked but not until after September, so enjoy the summer!
If you don't believe this is real, you should know that Robertsons predictions have been frighteningly on target. He called the election for Bush in BOTH 2000 and 2004. You cant really deny that kind of a record. But that is not all he has warned us about.
In May, Robertson said God told him that storms and possibly a tsunami were to crash into America's coastline in 2006. Even though the U.S. was not hit with a tsunami, Robertson on Tuesday cited last spring's heavy rains and flooding in New England as partly fulfilling the prediction.
We are pretty much screwed. I suggest you leave the cities or the country all while you can. And for you non-believers, good riddance.
Joseph Arthur Releases Free EP, Collaborates with God
Singer-songwriter and damn-good painter, Joseph Arthur, has released a free EP, entitled The Last Supper, for download via his website and Myspace page. Arthur recorded the tracks with his band, The Lonley Astronauts, and posted the songs online just minutes after mixing was finished. In a posting on his blog, the singer claims one of the songs, "Cocaine Feet," was mixed by none other than The Big Guy Upstairs.
Here's some of Arthur's post (all the crazy spelling errors are his own):
Here's another one we jst did
Called cocaine feet
God mixed it
Dig
PppppppppsSssssssspspspspspspsp
The last spper is a fool length
Its not an ep
Its not an lp
Its a pp
Ppppppsdssssspsp
I left the neve alone after skull kiss
And let god mix cocaine feet
Gods mixing
He's in season this year
Like, The God? Really? One wouldn't assume he was punk like that. The track sounds great and all, but that doesn't, by any means, let "The Big G" off the hook for the war in Iraq, dude.
Arthur just released his sixth proper (and best to-date) album, Nuclear Daydream, this past September.
Recommended Viewing:
Joseph Arthur & The Lonely Astronauts performing "When I Was Running Out Of Time" from Nuclear Daydream.