Years from now, as we look back in time, one glaring stance of the Bush administration will stand tall over the others. Bush's assault on the environment will forever be the worst that was done by his White House. As someone who went to college to study the earth and learn about its complexities, I believe the majority of men will not live through this century. The impact of global warming obviously goes far beyond shit just heatin’ up. We're already seeing very dangerous symptoms.

Global warming will hamper plants and animals ability to fight off infection and disease. Early warning signs are coming in the form of a massive bee die off, a massive bat die off, and an impending wheat fungus that is poised to sweep across the planet, possibly killing 80% of wheat crops.

Bats, bees and plants are fragile, much more so than man. The threat of global warming does not come from man getting a little hotter; it comes from a breakdown in the food supply, floods, a lack of water and dying crops. All of those things are already happening. We are already dying, just very slowly.

The few global warming deniers are wrong and shockingly stupid. Even if they were right, their argument is to keep polluting, which makes them serious idiots. My father is one of them. He sends me email after email from his right wing leaders, who simply cherry pick data and pass it off as proof that global warming is not occurring. They believe carbon dioxide levels have been rising for the past ten years and temperatures have gone down. Whatever argument they can make, consistency be damned. As I said, they are idiots and they are wrong.

The scary thing is that scientists are discovering their models are not at all what they predicted -- because as time passes, the results are turning out to be far worse.

Scientists are alarmed.

And the fear is now that a quick change will occur.

This is, quite simply, far worse than the worst-case scenario. All the doom and gloom predictions were actually rosy predictions. The suffering humans will endure this century is unimaginable.

This week, the Obama administration released satellite photos that detail what we are dealing with. These photos were “classified” by the Bush administration. They are photos of disappearing ice. The only reason to classify them is because they are damaging evidence against global warming deniers. Enjoy the horror.





The Bush administration released the photos to scientists, but would not allow them to be released for public use. Maybe they thought terrorists would get a hold of the photos of less sea ice and make non-sea iceboats to attack Alaska. Or, maybe they just wanted to keep the lie of no global warming alive because they only served big business, not the people. Either way, this is very, very bad. Overall, 1,000 photos were released by Obama, who seems to actually believe in science.

The results of human created gases will be extreme. Our forests will die. The ice caps will melt, causing massive flooding. Larger storms will kill more people. Islands will disappear. Diseases will spread. Crops will fail. Large animals will die off. Allergies will worsen exponentially. Tropical insects will die off, while temperate insects will flourish. Water wars will be common. They've already begun.

And there is no stopping it. That time has passed.

Besides the war and destroying the world economy, George Bush will be known as the man who did nothing while the dam was breaking. It’s his legacy. It’s also the legacy of idiots who deny global warming, who cherry pick evidence to prove their lies while mankind slowly drives off a cliff.

Is there hope? I seriously doubt it. The only remote hope we have is that the the sun is cooling. So, you can hang your hat on that. But, I think we’re toast. We are parasites and we are being removed through the old classic: A fever. You are about to live through the most horrifying century man has ever known.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. More from FearTheReaper can be found HERE. You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Asshole Fuckfacing had a good week. The greats of Asshole Fuckfacery would be very, very proud of all the horrible shit that went down. Some weeks I have to scour the news to find the appropriate acts deemed worthy of a spot in the Roundup. But not this week. It was raining Asshole Fuckfaces. So, put on your favorite animal pelt, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some outgoing presidential Assholery Fuckacery.

Ah, the horrible George W. Bush. Remember the Endangered Species Act? Well, it has had its spine removed by Georgy.

Wow. That sounds almost like there is no Endangered Species Act anymore.

Yes! Look to the future. Oil! No animals! That’s some forward thinking.

Kiss the polar beat goodbye, bitches. Although, the polar bears totally deserve it for supporting Bush in 2000 AND 2004.

Next up, if I say “Utah,” you say“ Asshole Fuckface."

As far as gay hating goes, Utah is tops in the nation. They more prefer dudes marrying hundreds of women, instead. Currently, a whopping 14 out of 40 Utah school districts allow “Gay Straight Alliance” clubs. So, the gay kids in the other 26 districts have to pretend like they are not gay. A lawsuit recently forced Salt Lake City's East High School to allow a Gay Straight Alliance club. Something about “federal equal protection laws” or some shit. Basically, the courts love sodomy and hate Jesus. (Like me!)

Thankfully, there are Asshole Fuckfaces like State Senator Chris Buttars who see far deeper into state laws than most.

Um. What? Dude. Free fucking cocksucking motherfucking assbanging speech. Just saying. I want to bend you over a couch and turn your anus into a basketball hoop, and I’m totally within my rights to say it. Your balls? I want to gnaw on them until they become taffy. Your cock? No thanks.

And there’s more religious Asshole Fuckfacery.

It turns out Pat Boone can do something worse than make music. He can also talk about politics, terrorism and homosexuality. He did just that in an awesome article on the delightful World Net Daily website.

Oh, yes. Very rotten. Man, you really know how to assign the appropriate words to summon deep feelings within your reader. Pat then goes on to describe the death and terror Indians experienced at the hands of the terrorists. Then…

Oh, I’m scared, Pat. Look, we all know there are extremists out there who want to destroy our way of life. Al Qaeda is constantly making threats and Iran is not exactly averse to using terrorism.

Wait. Now? This is happening now? Did I miss the news?

Oh, then you’re an amazing Asshole Fuckface.

I have. In fact I support financially harming people who take away the rights of others.

Um. Do you remember the whole terrorism thingy you opened this article with? Do you know how horrible of a person you are to compare legal protests with the brutal murder of 200 people? Did you know that you are actually worse than the people you are now attacking? Did you know Jesus would have actually hated you? You would have been the one guy he would have looked at and said, “I actually can’t do anything for this guy.”

Yeah, and black people aren’t whole people and women can’t vote. Good argument. Seriously, go shit in your mouth.

Next up, down under Asshole Fuckfacery.

You know the opening scene in the Simpson’s movie, in which Bart Simpson rides his skateboard naked? Don’t bring that movie with you to Australia, because it’s now considered child porn.

No, seriously.

Some poor Australian guy was convicted in February of “possessing child pornography and using his computer to access child pornography.” Because he had pictures of cartoon characters naked.

Uh. Okay, this just got weird. Not that I’ve seen those drawings, but if I had…well, I haven’t.

Actually, that’s exactly what it means. Drawings are not people. Please see Darwin. Australia is now officially more fucked up than the United States.

Finally, a little New York Asshole Fuckfacery.

What’s the best way to teach 7th graders about slavery? If you answered, “Forcefully bind two black students together by their hands and feet,” you are an Asshole Fuckface. But that’s exactly what the teacher, Eileen Bernstein of Haverstraw Middle School, did. Yay, psychological damage!

Because being on a slave ship and being under a desk are so similar.

Or, you know, you don’t actually have to DEMONSTRATE IT. You could just teach with words and pictures and shit.

After a meeting with the NAACP, Bernstein still thought was a pretty good idea.

School officials say it’s a “personal issue,” so they won’ tell if Bernstein will be punished or not.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

It’s hard to figure out the worst George Bush accomplishment. It’s a smorgasbord of horrors. The Iraq War is obviously up there, as is the slaughter of the economy. But, for me, it’s the rule of law. Without law, we cannot function as a democracy. The depth of shameful decisions throughout our justice system is staggering. Obama is facing a very ugly task in trying to clean up the Department of Justice because it has been turned into a tank of unqualified, partisan, religious nuts.

This summer, the Office Of Inspector General and Office of Professional Responsibility at the Department of Justice issued a joint report about the Department of Justice’s hiring program under Bush. Turns out, it was not so great.

This is my personal favorite.

Destroyed. Papers destroyed at the Department of Justice before an investigation began! That’s not a good thing for the guys who are enforcing the law to do, right?

Now, due to this flawed hiring process, the Department of Justice is full of clowns. Monica Goodling was the religious nut selected to do the hiring. She is a graduate of Regent University and she hired people from Regent University.

Hello, theocracy! The rules for hiring were changed by Ashcroft and Gonzalez, in order to make it easier to hire fools nobody else wanted. And fools they got.

So, now Obama faces a serious situation. The Department of Justice has been turned into a partisan organization, broken the law and is full of unqualified religious nuts. It should be cleaned out like a pumpkin (and a smiley face carved into the side).

But that creates other problems. Morale usually isn’t helped by a gutting. Also, it’s not the idiot’s fault for being hired by another idiot and some of them may have actually become okay at their job. I doubt it, but it’s possible. Those who came to the Department of Justice to push their ideological agenda will not last, anyway. The rule of law and non-partisanship will return and they will not like that change. They will be driven out because they will not want to work at a job that suddenly restricts the abuse they have become accustomed to inflicting.

Even with all those reasons, Obama should gut the place. Everyday those tools remain is another day the Justice Department is on the wrong track. Too much damage has been done to repair it slowly. Because of what the Bush administration has done, the job may not be the best resume builder for young attorneys anymore. The longer the rot stays, the harder it will be to rebuild the DOJ’s reputation. A massive firing could possibly change that quickly. And besides, it ain't exactly a party up in that bitch now.

Hopefully, the tools will bail on their own and turn it into a husk. An Obama Department of Justice will look very different. We already know he will resurrect the obliterated Voting Section of the DOJ’s Civil Rights Division. Earlier this year, Obama "derailed" former Voting Section head Hans von Spakovsky’s move to the FEC.

He no likey. I could give a shit if the next Attorney General is a liberal, conservative, Democrat or Republican. I’d just like him or her to actually give a shit about the law, because it’s been eight years since we had that.

Whoever Obama picks has to investigate warrantless wiretapping, figure out the legal status of the kids at Guantanamo, torture, the firings of US attorneys and quite a lot of other Bush administration bullshit. Having the Regent idiots around when trying to do that may not be the best idea.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Ah, Asshole Fuckfacing. It’s a glorious thing to behold, not because it’s beautiful, but because it makes you think you are a better person than you actually are. It’s like looking at dirty, angry hobos. You know you’re better than that, so enjoy. Buddha was all about hating on Asshole Fuckaces and he’s the one who actually started the list. Since that time, the list has been passed on and on. Now it is in my powerful hands and I treat it with the respect and fear it deserves. Each week I scour the news looking for the worst of the worst and then I present them to you, for mocking. This week is no different, so put on your raincoats because this is going to be ugly.

First up, another addition to a long list of presidential Asshole Fuckfacery.

One of the biggest failures of the Bush administration was to drop the ball on North Korea, encouraging the crazy country to create nuclear weapons. Clinton had an agreement in place that would have prevented such an occurrence. Bush blew it off and called North Korea “evil” and the rest was history. North Korea now has at least two nuclear bombs.

Talks have been ongoing between North Korea, China, Japan, Russia, the US and South Korea. There was a big breakthrough in June, when North Korea submitted an account of its nuclear facilities to the other five countries. The expectation was that the US would, in return, remove North Korea from their “terrorism sponsor list.”

Let’s see…keep a country on a terrorism list and they keep building nuclear bombs, or take them off the list and they stop. Well, what to do? If you’re an Asshole Fuckface, you do the thing that will keep North Korea in the nuke bomb business.

Nicely done, Asshole Fuckfaces. Keep up the horrible work; it’s amazing to watch.

Next up, some Swiftboating Asshole Fuckfaces.

Now, we all expect the right-wing Swiftboaters to launch some horrible, horrible ads against Obama. It’s pretty much as expected as rising of the sun or fat, four time divorced, drug addict Rush Limbaugh saying something racist. And the Swiftboaters did so last week, hitting Obama with an ad linking him to William Ayers. Yawn. Unlike Kerry, Obama hit back fast and the result was pretty hilarious. The Swiftboaters aren’t in this Asshole Fuckface Roundup for the ad; they are in the Roundup because they turned into a bunch of crying little bitches.

Besides going after the ad with one of his own, Obama went to court. The Obama campaign claimed the ad was a “violation of federal campaign finance laws” and asked networks to abstain from airing it. A letter was sent to the Department of Justice asking for a criminal investigation of the Swiftboaters. The Swiftboat group in question is a listed as a 501.c, which is a tax-exempt non-profit. That means it can lobby on issues, but is only allowed to engage in an "insubstantial" amount of activity supporting or opposing political candidates.

The Ayers ad clearly seems to violate the law, so Obama went to court. Obama’s lawyer, Bob Bauer wrote the DOJ asking for an investigation...

The Obama campaign also went after stations airing the ad.

That’s called fighting fire with fire. The big bad Swiftboater’s response? Crying.

Aw, did da liberul not let you shove a broom handle up his ass? Poor little babies.

What up, irony? How you been?

Aw. Is Obama totally fucking with you? You should totally be able to lie and be horrible cunts without anyone stopping you, right? Sorry, and good luck with your Asshole Fuckfacery this election season. Can’t wait to see how much of your money you spend in court.

Next up, another right wing Asshole Fuckface can’t handle what Obama’s bringing.

But this time, I’m not referring to Barack Obama. Michelle Obama drove a man insane on Monday night. An unidentified man in Pasco, Florida, was watching Michelle Obama’s convention speech, when he couldn’t take it anymore.

The police shot round after round of tear gas into the RV, but dude wasn’t coming out. Six ours later, at five am, the Asshole Fuckface finally came out of his RV and gave up.

Of course. I mean, he lives in Florida in a trailer and a black woman is speaking about her husband, nominee of the Democratic Party. It’s the white trash apocalypse.

Finally, a little league in Connecticut is overflowing with Asshole Fuckfaces.

New Haven Little League officials want all their kids to grow up in an unrealistic world, in which no one else is better than them, they never get their asses handed to them and all competition is equal.

Jericho Scott is a 10-year-old kid with a 40 mph fastball. He plays in the Youth Baseball League of New Haven and has thrown 5 no-hitters. His team is 8-0. That’s fucking awesome.

Uh, what? Welcome to not sports. Way to develop a rare talent. You could be the town where the great Jericho Scott came from, instead of the town that drove away the young Jericho Scott.

Okay, now you just created an entire team of 10-year-old pussies. You know what you do when confronted by an awesome force kids? Give up. That’s a fantastic life lesson. Don’t ever try your best against someone better, just walk away.

Oh, good. Maybe he’ll develop a horrible complex at a young age and stop pitching.

That’s what happens when Asshole Fuckfaces are in control, Jericho. Maybe you can grow up to be a criminal, instead.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each recieve a FearTheReaper bicycle seat. You may also read more of FearTheReaper's spew on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

On Sunday night, "60 minutes" broadcast a report that could have easily come straight out of Pakistan, instead of the great state of Alabama. The frightening aspect of this story is not that it occurred, but that it was done so brazenly. It is, quite simply, fascism, right here in the good old US of A. The story goes back years, but the most frightening part of the tale occurred on Sunday night, when the program was supposed to air on "60 Minutes". Many in Alabama never saw it because big brother shut it down.

Alabama is obviously a very Republican state. Nearly every big politician is a Republican, except for one very popular Democrat named Don Siegelman. Don used to be governor, but then Republicans targeted him for destruction. Now he sits in prison. Karl Rove started the ball rolling in 2001, when he made a request to Republican lawyer and activist Jill Simpson.

Well, it worked on Clinton and the Republicans were never punished, so why would they stop? Simpson could not produce the photos because Siegelman wasn’t fucking his aides. So, the Republicans switched to the courts to take down Siegelman and they succeeded. This is why the Attorney General scandal is so important. The Bush Administration has turned the independent branch of government responsible for justice into a Republican weapon. We no longer live in a country where laws apply equally to everyone.

Siegelman was investigated for bribery during his re-election campaign in 2002. Local prosecutors charged Siegelman and the case went to trial. The trial lasted an hour or so, before the judge tossed it out because there was absolutely no evidence. But the damage was done to Siegelman and he lost the election.

Siegelman decided to run for governor again in 2004 and the Republican machine went back to work. This time the Department of Justice decided to get their hands dirty, or as Karl Rove said to Jill Simpson:

On of the “girls” Karl spoke of was US Attorney Leura Canary, who just happened to be married to William Canary, a Republican campaign consultant. They built a case out of nothing. First they flipped a “witness.” The guy was a Republican named Nick Bailey, who just happened to have committed a few crimes and was looking at a long time in jail. The Republicans offered him a lot less time in jail and in return, all he had to do was lie in court.

Bailey worked for Siegelman, but the governor was not involved in his crimes and had no knowledge of them. Bailey told US Attorneys what they wanted to hear, or they told him what he would say: That he had seen Siegelman take a check in return for an appointed position on the state hospital oversight board. The Department of Justice claimed this was a crime. It is not. If it were, Karl Rove and George Bush would be in prison for their “Pioneers” and “Rangers” fundraising operation. People who donated $100,000 or more to the Bush campaign received one of those awesome titles and many were appointed to government offices, like an ambassadorship. 146 Bush donors were appointed to government offices after making large donations. There were zero prosecutions in those “cases.”

Okay, so ignore that it was a not even a crime. And ignore the fact that Siegelman didn’t even receive the check because it was made out to the Alabama Education Foundation, a vehicle the governor created to run a campaign for a state education lottery. Ignore that stuff and focus on this: The Republicans actually manufactured the not illegal evidence against Siegelman. They couldn't even decently frame the guy, and yet it worked. Bailey story was that he witnessed the check being handed to Siegelman. Total bullshit. It was actually pathetically false.

The check was cut days after the meeting and prosecutors knew it. Maybe that’s why they had to train their witness. According to Bailey, he was getting the story so mixed up during preparation they made him write it down over and over and over, until he got it right. That’s usually how the truth works; you have to get it right using a rudimentary memorization technique. Prosecutors then illegally withheld Bailey’s writings from the defense, because his false testimony it would have been devastated under cross-examination.

The Rove machines also attempted to force another Republican to testify in the case, but he refused. Jefferson County Republican Commissioner Gary White was pressured to back up Bailey’s claim. He refused to do so because,

Wow, a guy going to jail wouldn't back up their bullshit story.

Coincidentally, the federal judge overseeing the case was appointed by a fella named George W. Bush. Judge Mark Fuller was also a former member of the Alabama GOP’s Executive Committee and once claimed that Siegelman had a grudge against him. For some reason he refused to recuse himself from the case. Go figure.

Siegelman was convicted and sentenced to seven years in jail. Usually, when a person is convicted of a crime such as bribery, he is allowed 48 hours to get his affairs in order. Not Siegelman. He had his hands and feet shackled, and was immediately taken to prison. Republican prosecutor Grant Woods said he had never in his career seen someone other than a violent criminal treated in this way.

Woods is co-chair of the McCain for President leadership committee and a former Arizona Attorney General. Dude is a hard core Republican and this is what he had to say about Siegelman’s prosecution:

It’s a big deal when a Republican heavy hitter comes out to attack his own party’s actions. Besides Woods, 52 former attorneys general have called Congress to investigate the case. The Department of Justice, of course, refused to speak to 60 Minutes and refused to allow Bailey to be interviewed on camera. That’s a sign that the government has done something on the up and up. Oh, but it’s worse than that. The Justice Department would only issue a “no comment” to CBS in response to the accusation of false evidence. It was also recently revealed that two career prosecutors refused to move forward with the Siegelman case due to a lack of evidence. Both of their careers stalled.

I feel like this is a good time to remind you that the White House and Karl Rove deleted over 10 million emails. How about that? I'm sure they are all the simple, "What's doing Karl?", "Nothing, LOL!" type of emails. No way are there emails about the Siegelman case. That's why they were deleted.

Now, this is where this story gets really creepy. This entire scandal was detailed Sunday night on "60 Minutes". Most of the nation watched, except in Northern Alabama – where the screen suddenly went black. Residents of Huntsville and Mobile did not see the broadcast.

Because bloggers are not retarded, one called CBS in New York to find the source of the problem that was blocking transmission in Alabama. Turns out nothing, according to CBS in New York.

Nice. Siegelman is a political prisoner. When evidence of his illegal prosecution was presented to the people of his state, it was blacked out. Feel free to explain to me how that is not a fascist maneuver.

The New York Times points out the similarities to a certain Asian country.

Luckily, during the original broadcast they had the problem worked out in time for the "60 Minutes" segment following the Siegelman story. And the station made good by airing the story at 10 p.m. -- right in the middle of The Oscars, one of the most watched TV programs of the year.

The station that blocked the transmission, WHNT, is owned by Oak Hill Partners, which is owned by the Bass Family. The Bass Family are big, big contributors to the Republican Party and a man named George W. Bush. They are long time friends and the Bass family has bailed out George on more than one occasion.

Now they Bass family is shutting down public airwaves, so the people of Alabama won’t hear the truth. And the action just happens to protect Karl Rove.

Time to be afraid. Not because to the act itself, but the brazenness of the undertaking. They know, as do many of us, that they will not be punished. This lack of justice will lead to a heightening of their shamelessness and an increase in their risk taking. The only question is, “When is it too late?”

Yes, indeed, you read that headline correctly. I hope many of the idiots who bought houses during the bubble lose them. It is my wish because they are fucking morons who hoped to make a quick buck and caused housing prices to rise far beyond what they are worth. Those of us, who sat it out and shook our heads at the fools grabbing every property around, are now sitting back watching as prices come back down. But it is going to be a long wait because of retarded politicians, like Hillary Clinton and George Bush.

Last month, Hillary proposed economic aid for idiots who took loans they could not afford. Basically, she wants to bail out financial morons and fuck over the smart investor who sat the housing buying frenzy out. She wants to fuck over the guy who already got fucked over by the jump in housing prices because of morons. Did I mention she is an idiot?

Two days ago, she proposed heaping more money on the retard pile.

Bush, being a moron, is also for moving forward with his own plan to help the idiots who bought houses they couldn't afford.

Fuck you. You know why I didn’t buy a Porsche last year? Because I couldn’t afford one. And I didn’t look for an idiot to loan me the money that I didn’t have. All of the assholes who bought houses they couldn’t afford should now lose their homes. Because they are idiots and idiots deserve to suffer. Buddha said that.

If the government steps in to help these assholes, then taxpayers and future borrowers will pay for the bailout. Only two parties should be paying for this mess: The buyers and the lenders. A bailout only delays the inevitable, propping up shitty credit and allowing idiots to continue to make more idiotic financial choices.

When the stock market crashed in 1999, people began to invest in property. Then property rates began to shoot up. The increase in property prices far surpassed wage increases, which should have been a warning sign for anyone with a brain that the process would not sustain. Unfortunately, we live in a world of morons. People thought they would never be able to afford a home, so they started taking loans they could not afford. And companies began giving loans to people who were not credit worthy. These are the two parties who should suffer, not the rest of us.

Cheap, shitty credit created a housing bubble. In the old days, banks would attempt to minimize risk by requiring that purchasers not buy a home that consumes more than 25% of their income in mortgage payments. And they would ask for a significant down payment, like 20%. But then banks began to run out of people to sell loans to, because not everyone was meeting the requirements. So, they threw the requirements out the window. People began paying more and more of their income to mortgages. Now the level has risen from an average of 25% to 44% of gross income. Anyone who takes a loan or gives a loan that would require someone to pay 44% of their income to a mortgage is a fucking asshole who deserves to lose. And I should be able to laugh at them. After all, it is America, where we laugh at idiots and enjoy their suffering.

So, now a bunch of morons, who bought during the bubble, are going to end up owing more money on their home than it is worth. When your home is worth less than what you owe on it, it is called “negative equity.” Once it occurs, homeowners are trapped. They can’t sell but they still have to make payments. And there are a lot of people out there who will find themselves, or already find themselves, in the negative equity trap, because existing home sales more than doubled between 1989 and early 2007.

It will not end anytime soon, especially if the government attempts retarded band-aid fixes, like the ones proposed by Bush and Clinton. This exact same situation occurred in Japan in the '90s. The process lasted 12 years up, 12 years down, with a decline as long as the increase. Billions in yen were owed on homes that were worth half the mortgage. Many went into foreclosure, rather than pay inflated prices. The banks were left with “non-performing loans” and houses that no one wanted or could afford to buy. Without income, banks had no money to lend, which lead to a downward spiral. The entire economy stagnated.



"As it goes up, it goes down," if I may quote Guided by Voices. That is what we are facing. The sooner we let the process take place, the sooner we can get it over with. Assholes like Bush and Clinton will only prolong the pain with their bullshit plans. They will never be able to stop it. So, to the idiot: I hope you lose your home, and I hope it happens sooner, rather than later.

George Bush has proven over and over that he is going to do whatever the fuck he wants. One of the most glaring examples is his many recess appointments which he has greatly perfected over the years, allowing legions of unqualified morons to fill important positions in our government. His first big recess appointment was John Bolton in August 2005 to the position of ambassador to the United Nations. Bolton, of course, turned out to be the shitty ambassador that anyone with a brain knew he would be.

So, this Thanksgiving holiday Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is going to keep the Senate in session to stop Bush from making any recess appointments.

Reid will keep the Senate in session by scheduling nonvoting sessions, which means some poor bastard is going to have to show up over the break. Reid explained that Bush refuses to bargain and just waits for a recess to make appointments. Bush also refuses to consider Democratic picks for several appointments.

The most disturbing pick who wasn’t gotten past the Senate is James Holsinger for surgeon general. Holsinger spent years in Kentucky trying to fix gay people and Bush wants to reward his creepy beliefs by making him the leading spokesmen for the government of matters of public health.

Yeah, we should probably stop that guy, considering he lives in the year 1800. Bush let Reid know he would be appointing some nominees that the Democrats called, “Unacceptable.”

So, this is what we have come to. The US has a president who just doesn’t want to play like an adult and the opposition party has to go to ridiculous lengths to stop him from doing whatever he wants. But there is one more thing that could happen here: What if Bush claims he is appointing them anyway? It would fit right in with his abuse of power pattern and I would not put it past him. Could be kind of fun, in a “What the fuck is happening?” kind of way.

I believe very strongly that it is my job to continually remind you that our president is an idiot. The words that come out of his mouth are sometimes disturbing, sometimes sad and most often embarrassing. Last week he gave a speech in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Here are some excerpts from that speech. They actually came out of the mouth of the man who is our president.

On taxes.

Okay, first of all, if she is actually a woman, then she can’t be a “they.” That is something I learned in the 2nd grade and it has really stuck with me ever since.

Now let’s discuss the building of buildings. You state, “When somebody builds a new building, someone has got to come and build the building.” There’s a lot wrong here, guy in charge of our country. Your repetition makes it sound like someone builds a building and then someone comes along and builds the building again.

You also claimed that the building expanded. Explain further. How does a building expand? Is it made of rubber? Does someone blow air into it? And then why does an expanding building prevent people from getting additional work? I thought building would lead to work based on your previous sentence. It’s really confusing. It barely makes sense. And you are in charge of defending our country.

Next up, decision-making.

Please, please stop saying this. It makes you seem retarded and me seem really retarded for just being a US citizen. Plus, it is something a five year old would say if he was elected president of his kindergarten class.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say you don’t have to actually remind anyone about your lack of intelligence, or their level of education. I think it’s a given.

Wow. To finally hear the inner workings of what goes on in the White House is really amazing. So, people actually come to you with advice and then you act? These are awesome things that you say inside your head, but not outside. I’m now going to close my eyes and try to hear Bill Clinton saying the same thing.

…

Nope. That didn’t work.

That’s actually an insult. It gives the impression that you don’t have anything important to say, that you are bullshitting. As President, I recommend saying these types of things. You are sort of important and look what you did. You just took a swipe at yourself. If you were attempting to make me feel as if I have been enveloped by a blanket of sadness, then kudos.

After giving a lengthy answer on global warming:

No, it’s not. Sigh. You should actually know this because you are the president. Filibustering is a form of obstructionism in a decision making body, in an attempt to extend debate upon a proposal in order to delay or completely prevent a vote on its passage. You are just giving a lengthy answer. Those people in front of you are just audience members. They are not the Senate. And you are not a Senator. You’re the….never mind.

Sure, I mean with 9/11, the Iraq War and everyone thinking you suck, how could it not be pure joy?

On just being there:

Not really. I think we’re better off when you are giving speeches. Thanks.

You have been very patient waiting an entire week for the asshole fuckface roundup. That is nice of you. If only this week’s asshole fuckfaces could be as nice as you, but it is just not in their genetic makeup. They are the worst of the worst. Even Hilter would be shaking his head if he heard what the asshole fuckfaces have been up to. So, put on your creepy bib and settle in, this is going to be ugly.

Tye Hilmo is an outrageous asshole fuckface and an enemy to all cats.

There is a special place in hell for men who kill kitties. It involves a large litter box and tons of shit. Also a rape post. And a small cock guillotine.

Tye is an all around fuckface. He was on probation when police searched his home last week and found two pounds of pot and guns. You are not supposed to have two pounds of pot or any guns when you are on probation, so Tye was thrown in the pokey.

Police had also received a tip that Tye was killing cats. Upon searching his home, they found the bodies of two dead kittens. But his cell phone contained the worst evidence of all.

Asshole was capturing neighborhood cats, then injuring them and then finally, he would give them to his pit bulls to finish off. He has been charged with aggravated cruelty to animals.

I would like for Tye to be tied down. Then his skin peeled off and his exposed tissue covered in tuna oil. Then a hundred feral cats should be released to have brunch.

Next up, "counter protester" is another way to say asshole fuckface.

Last Saturday anti-war protestors marched on the capitol. Carlos Arredondo’s son Alex died in Iraq in 2004 and he has created a “traveling memorial” in honor of his son.

Carlos was taking part in the protest and as he walked a group of “counter protesters,” began to follow him and harass him. Finally, one of them tore a picture of Alex off the memorial. It was his non-verbal way of saying, “I support the war and my way of doing that is to insult dead soldier’s parents.”

But the asshole fuckfaces weren’t done with Carlos yet. When Carlos tried to get the photo of his dead son back, five other “counter protesters” attacked him. They beat him and kicked him in the head, legs, stomach and back.

Police broke up the attack. Carlos sustained bruises all over his torso and on his head, but at least now he knows he should support the war. There is no better way to convince a dead soldier’s father to change his mind about the war than to kick him in the head. I think Ghandi said that.

Ah, what would a trip down asshole fuckface lane be without a visit from George Bush?



Yes, he just used an alive Nobel Peace Laureate and international hero as a dead guy in what may be the most retarded analogy ever. Let's see, Saddam killed all the Mandelas, which has totally fucked Iraq. So, if Saddam hadn’t killed all the guys who fight to overcome brutal systems of racial segregation, then Iraq would be in great shape. Those one million plus Iraqi deaths that have occurred since the US occupation began did not kill any of the Mandelas. It's called logic!

Oh, and this is what Mandela thinks about the asshole fuckface known as Bush.

But keep talking about him like he is a dead hero who could have saved Iraq, George, you fucking moron.

And now, one of the many asshole fuckfaces who will never be president.

Rudy Giuliani is such a spectacular asshole fuckface that he looks like a shoo-in for the AF hall of fame. During his political career in New York, Rudy worked hard for gun control. He did not hold back when it came to the NRA.



Rudy even filed a lawsuit against gun manufacturers, such as Colt, Glock and Smith & Wesson, in an attempt to punish them for violent crimes committed with guns. At the time, Rudy said the gun industry “profits from the suffering of innocent people.” Yesterday, a panel of federal judges began hearing arguments on the lawsuit. So, how did Rudy celebrate?

By crawling to the NRA like a bitch and begging for their support. Rudy addressed NRA members on the same day his lawsuit was being heard by a panel of judges, because Rudy is now dedicated to upholding the right of individuals to own weapons. That is some fantastic asshole fuckfacery.

I guess that is why you filed a lawsuit to destroy gun manufacturers, huh? But, hey, Rudy did become a member of the NRA in 2006. And they are apparently stupid enough to buy his shocking political opportunism.

Wow, we just found another asshole fuckface! These two guys are made for each other.

Congrats to this weeks winners. You are all very special in a horrible way. Each asshole fuckface will receive their very own FearTheReaper iPod sheath.

The Asshole Fuckface Roundup is back after taking a week off. I was crushed by the horrible summer cold that is murdering people all over Southern California. As of last count, 123,547 people have died in LA. I survived because I am strong and also, God wanted me to continue writing the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. So, here it is, you crazy bastards. Put on your jackets and take off your underpants, this one is going to be ugly.

My first Asshole Fuckface may be the worst mother on the face of the Earth. And Mars. (Exaggerated for effect)

Sophia Elam is 41-years-old and has a beautiful 16-year-old son. He’s great. He plays on the Silverado High School football team when he is not suspended from school. The problem is that members from a rival gang also play on the same team and they sometimes threaten the Elam boy.

First, the Elam boy called on his fellow gang members to help out. They drove to his football practice, threw some gang signs and flashed a gun. Sadly, the brilliant plan did not work. So, mommy got involved.

She drove several members of her son’s gang to the school to fight with rival gang members. Some of them were adults. And she did it on more than one occasion. Yesterday, the local Sheriff department arrested Sophia for child endangerment. Officials may also revoke her government aid. After arresting Mommy, law officers went to her home, where they found junior and “dozens” of gang members.

Yay!

Next up, an entire department of the federal government gets labeled as an Asshole Fuckface!

Hey, remember way back in August when Alberto Gonzales retired from his position as Attorney General and everyone hoped the politicization of the Justice Department would end? It didn't!

Yesterday the Justice Department said Internet service providers should be allowed to charge for priority Web traffic. That’s right, the Justice Department stuck their noses into the Net Neutrality debate. Not only is the Justice Department involved in something that is not their business, but they are so fucking wrong it is amazing.

Hey Justice Department, the US has some the worst broadband rates and speeds in the developed world. Those companies have not been upgrading and expanding their networks. Why? Because our government is not taking any action to ensure that we do have decent broadband coverage. Our government tells us the “free market” will take care of everything, while they completely discourage a “free market.”

Our government, and specifically the Bush administration, abandoned Open Access policies that fostered competition between Internet companies and led to lower prices. Without competition there is no reason to create a better product. Our Internet is pathetic because of the collusion between the government and a few big companies.

We have gone from having the best rates and speeds in the '90s to some of the worst in the year 2007. Japan’s broadband is currently 8 to 30 times faster than ours. That should do wonders for American business! Net Neutrality would increase competition, not harm it and create better broadband services overall.

But who cares when AT&T is doing the bidding of the Bush White House by allowing illegal wiretapping and data mining? And for their services? A little payback: The Justice Department is now getting involved in the Net Neutrality debate. Sweet, sweet corruption.

Next!

There are so many reasons to call the administration and our military leaders Asshole Fuckfaces that it is amazing. This week it’s all about body counts!

Our military is claiming that violence has dropped sharply in Iraq this summer. General Petreaus is expected to claim that attacks have decreased 75 percent.

Is it the success of the surge? Are we finally winning? Are people converting to Buddhism? Is it the summer heat? None of the above.

It’s good old-fashioned cherry picking! Just change how you designate an attack and the stats suddenly look better!

It’s a reasonable assumption. Sunnis and Shiites only fight each other with their backs turned. They shoot over their shoulders using mirrors. Criminals only shoot people who are looking them right in the eyes. If a person turns to run, a criminal lets them go.

Also, any attacks by our new Sunni friends are not included in violence statistics. Because they are our friends! Yay, friendship! Other categories have also been changed. If people die in a bombing, they are not counted as deaths from violence. That is also criminal. Why? Because al-Qaeda uses bombs. Insurgents use guns. Duh.

To sum up:

Getting shot in the front of the head.
Car bombs.
Our Sunni buddies killing peeps.
And also, Shi'a on Shi'a action!

Not violence! They are simple crimes. Why do you hate America?

Shockingly, the real numbers are not so good.

Boo! The AP hates America! Keep it up, military, you crazy Asshole Fuckfaces!

What would an Asshole Fuckface Roundup be without our dear leader?
George Bush is in a foreign country right now, and that can only mean one thing: Horrible mistakes that embarrass our nation.

George is in Australia. When he arrived on Wednesday, Deputy Prime Minister Mark Vaile asked Bush how his trip to Iraq went. Bush responded in a very presidential manner.

Aw, he’s retarded. Or maybe by “kicking ass,” he actually means we are destroying a country and it is in a civil war and it is going to lead to a war with Iran, which will also involve Saudi Arabia, Turkey, the Kurds, Syria and Israel.

On Friday, Bush gave a speech at the Sydney Opera House to business leaders attending the APEC Summit. He did a great job.

It’s APEC, you jokester! Okay, one mistake, right? No big deal.

That country is in Europe. Australia in much southerer.

Bush then exited gracefully.

Nicely done, you fucking moron. How great would it have been if he had fallen into the orchestra pit? Oh, to dream.

LATE Asshole Fuckface Roundup Addition: Michael Davis, director and writer of Shoot 'Em Up. Horrible, awful, not funny, bad, never-ending, idiotic, retarded movie.

You have to have really done something wrong if I don't like a movie that has such a high body count. Attempts at tongue-in-cheek comedy only work if the dialog is amusing and somewhat intelligent. If it isn't, you end up with a mess like Shoot 'Em Up: A movie that is exactly what it is trying to make fun of.

That is this week’s Asshole Fuckface Roundup! Congrats to all of this weeks winners! You get a free FearTheReaper monogrammed ascot.

George Bush went to Western Iraq yesterday to pose for cameras in a pathetic attempt to show that his surge is working. But he did much more than just take pictures with troops; he also met with Iraqi leaders. Pictures of Bush shaking the hand of Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki and President Jalal Talibani were seen across the world. But most disgusting of all, Bush was seen shaking the hands of Sunni sheikhs who have switched sides in the conflict. Up until this year, those very men were in charge of forces that were killing Americans. And George shook their hands. He is a sickening, soulless man.

We started our new policy of paying, arming and fighting alongside the Sunnis in the Anbar province in April. We essentially gave our enemies amnesty if they agreed to help US forces fight al-Qaeda.

This, of course, pissed off the Shiites because they don’t think the US should pick sides in their religious war. Is it the right decision? Who knows? I usually fall on the side that says, “Quit fucking arming everybody.” But that’s just me. The policy did result in less American deaths in Anbar, which is obviously a good thing. Yet, the policy only increases the odds of bloodshed the minute US troops leave.

Policy aside, what Bush did yesterday is fucking despicable. The man has no soul. Imagine the joy that the relatives of soldiers must have felt as they opened newspapers to see Bush shaking hands with the men who sent their loved ones to their death. Some died just his year. The policy is one thing, but Bush certainly did not have to meet with or shake the hands of those men. It is an insult to every man and woman who gave their lives in Anbar.

Since the war began, one thousand two hundred-sixty four US soldiers have died in Anbar province. And the President of the United States just shook the hands of the men responsible. Nice work, you class-A fucking douche bag. Bush, of course, gets a pass from the weak and worthless US media.

Inspiring. The president meets with and shakes the hands of men who were killing our soldiers just five months ago, and not a word about it. Instead, we get a delightful quote from a White House mouthpiece. Hold your heads high American reporters, because you have the ability to scribble down direct quotes from the government.

Since the media will not hold Bush accountable he will never have to answer this simple question: “Why did you just shake the hands of the men who killed our soldiers, you shameless fuck?”

Spin, spin, vomit.



I feel there needs to be a rebuttal to George.

Except for lying to Congress, trying to get a barely conscious Attorney General to sign a a Constitution destroying document while in his hospital bed and making the Justice Department a partisan branch of the White House.

By drawing up briefs that legalize torture and defending the legalization of domestic warrant less wiretapping.

Yes, Al, thanks for not letting the Constitution get in your way.

By pressuring telecommunications companies to break the law by turning over databases of their customers Internet activities, without warrants.

By shifting the focus from crimes against minorities to helping religions spread the word of Jesus. He even took on a case to help the oppressed white voters in Mississippi.

By firing 9 US Attorneys who refused to falsely prosecute Democrats before the 2006 elections and also because they were aggressively pursuing prosecutions against corrupt Republicans.

He helped them evade questions and lie to Congress. Exactly what the Founding Fathers feared.

Where he narrowed the possibility for clemency of inmates facing the death penalty and made sure George didn’t have to serve on a jury because he would have had to answer questions about past drug use and his DUI.

That is nothing to brag about.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Welcome to oversight, you sniffling little bitch.

Like busting state legalized pot stores in California and fighting porn.

Yes, this is true. His name was dragged through the mud because he politicized the Justice Department, which cannot function if it only aids one party. The Department is now a shell of its former self, entirely undermined by one man and his partisan actions.

OH SWEET JESUS! That is going to be awesome! What asshole will you put forth to be beaten and battered around by an angry Congress?

Feeling lonely yet, George?

This should not be the end for Alberto. He should still be prosecuted for lying to Congress. At the very least he should be disbarred.

The corruption of the current White House is fucking amazing, especially considering George told us he was going to bring honor and respectability back to the presidency. The guy is the ultimate example of everything that the Founding Fathers feared. Using tax dollars to aid Republican candidates in elections is just one more example.

What a bunch of cunts. Plain and simple. Between 2001 and 2006, the Treasury Department received White House political briefings on how they could aid Republican candidates. The Commerce Department received four briefings. These actions are quite simply not allowed, as defined by the Hatch Act, which bans the use of government resources for campaign activities.

The White House is already being investigated by the House Oversight Committee to determine whether the administration violated the Hatch Act by briefing at least 15 federal agencies.

After the briefings, Commerce and Treasury political appointees made public appearances and grant announcements that just happened to benefit GOP interests. That sounds like it completely violates the Hatch Act. I wonder how the Democratic Congress will fail to do anything about it? Unfortunately, violations are not illegal. They are treated as administrative matters and usually lead to suspension or termination of those who violate the ban.

The law needs to be changed so that these type of actions are illegal. Why would a loyal follower care about violating the act? They would lose their job, but probably end up with a cushier position somewhere else due to their partisan actions.

Take Commerce Secretary Don Evans, who just happened to be Bush's former campaign finance chairman. He made eight appearances with Republican incumbents during competitive races. While there he handed out millions of dollars in grants and made public announcements. He has already left the Commerce Department, so he will not be punished. I would like to at the very least, hold his head in a toilet and flush it.

The guy who took over for Evans, picked up right where the big E left off.

You tax dollars at work, helping those poor, poor Republicans. Don't get mad Democrats, just sit back and take it.

The Lord specifically created Saturday just for the Asshole Fuckface Roundup! If there was not an Asshole Fuckface Roundup, there would only be six days in a week. Many of you kids read news stories but couldn’t pick an Asshole Fuckface over a hero. That is why I’m here. I scour the news to find the weeks biggest Asshole Fuckfaces and then I lay them out so you can look and shake your heads. Hang on to your soft, little panties and take a look at this week's winners.

There is nothing like having a racist, Asshole Fuckface moron working for the State Department.

Patrick Syring retired from the Foreign Service after a twenty-year career. His “retirement” just happened to coincide with his indictment for federal charges of threatening and violating civil rights laws. Syring began sending messages to the Arab American Institute a year ago by email and phone while working for the State Department. The messages were really smart and well thought out.

Being the genius that he is, Syring also identified himself in one of the phone messages and sent e-mails from his personal account. I can only assume it went something like: “Arabs are all filthy animals, sincerely Patrick Syring, of the State Department.”

My next Asshole Fuckface is a mine owner.

While most mine owners are Asshole Fuckfaces, Bob Murray is especially awful and well-connected. Murray is in the news this week because 6 miners are trapped in one of his mines. Did I mention that he is well-connected?

Murray runs some quality mining companies.

In 2003 a Murray owned mine in Ohio was shut down because of repeated safety problems. Being the colossal Asshole Fuckface that he is, Murray threatened to have employees of the Mine Safety and Health Administration fired.

Must be nice to have so much money that you can threaten to have government employees fired. Murray went on to name his Republican buddies.

McConnell is the Republican leader of the Senate and he also happens to be married to Labor Secretary Elaine Chao. She happens to oversee MSHA. Murray has given McConnell $176,800 in campaign donations since 2001.

Tim Thompson was a district manager for MSHA. He had the misfortune of being one of the people who was threatened by Murray. He was then transferred to an office away from any of Murray’s mines. Nice little world these Asshole Fuckfaces live in, isn’t it?

And I can’t let this subject pass without giving a special Asshole Fuckface shout out to George Bush. In October 2006, Bush used a recess appointment to put Richard Stickler in charge of the nation’s mine safety. Note that date. Stickler was so unpopular that he could not get through a GOP controlled Senate.

Why? Because Stickler used to manage mining operations and some miners died while he was in charge. Some of the deaths were a result of poor maintenance. Senators thought an industry insider should not oversee safety inspections.

I wish I could think of a reason why a guy like Murray was not pressured to make his mines safer.

Thank God some Asshole Fuckfaces in Arkansas have finally fixed the laws so you can marry and fuck a baby!

The entire Arkansas Legislature gets the nod for being Asshole Fuckfaces in this mess; with a special mention for bill sponsor Representative Will Bond. Legislation was passed that was meant to make 18 the minimum age to marry, while also allowing pregnant teens to marry if their parents gave the OK. But someone put an extra “not” in the bill and now anyone who is not pregnant can get married at any age. Get down there rich pedophiles and buy a kid while you can!

Now the legislature might have to call a special session to fix the mistake because they know the backwards freaks of Arkansas will quickly start marrying babies.

Whoa. Why do you think it will just be people coming from outside Arkansas, sister? Have you ever seen the people who live in your state?

My last Asshole Fuckface wants to make a buck and doesn’t give a shit who may get hurt.

Everyone working at the Internet company Intelius is an Asshole Fuckface. The company has a great business plan, for just a couple of bucks they will give out anyone’s cell phone number. What an awesome idea! What problems could possibly come from giving out a private cell phone number to any clown who wants it?

Oh, right. Victims of domestic violence, sexual assault and stalking kinda don’t want to be bothered by their abusers.

For years, domestic violence, sexual assault and stalking victims could keep out of the phone book by using a cell phone. Not anymore! It might also be a wonderful service for pedophiles because children’s numbers will be available.

A stalker only needs to pay $7 to $15 dollars and they will get the mobile phone number and in some instances a home address. Intelius buys the information from sources like the government and third party companies. The company already has 90 million cell phone numbers and will be adding 70 million more this week.

Congrats to all of this weeks Asshole Fuckfaces. You each will receive a FearTheReaper lampshade!

500 people. That is the number of dead from yesterday’s truck bomb attacks in the towns of Qahtaniya, al-Jazeera and Tal Uzair. The towns are near the Syrian border and all of those killed were from the Yazidi religious sect. The bombs wiped out entire families.

The Yazidi are an isolated sect of around 500,000 people, who believe Jesus and Mohammed were prophets, but worship an archangel named Malak Taus above all others. There is one big drawback to worshipping the archangel Melek Taus; his other name is Shaytan, which happens to be the name of Satan in the Koran. Big oops. Muslims consider the Yazidi to be devil worshippers, which has led to oppression of the sect for hundreds of years. The Yazidi avoid outsiders, do not allow converts and do not marry outside of their religion. You may recall a video of a young Iraqi woman being stoned to death in April because she was seen with a Sunni Muslim man. Her fellow Yazidi killed her, so they are not all that great.

The stoning inflamed tensions between the two religions. Muslims vowed revenge and they have apparently backed up their threats. The bombings are the worst the world has seen since 9/11. It is by far the worst attack since the war began. One witness said the damage looked like a “mini nuclear explosion.”

That is about as fucked up as it gets. The US was, of course, quick to toss out the al-Qaeda card.

That’s great, but don’t forget to blame yourselves, you stupid assholes. George Bush and the military leaders behind the surge can also be partly blamed for this hideous attack.

The surge is a load of shit. We put 25,000 soldiers into Baghdad in an attempt to quell violence in the city. So, what the fuck did they think the insurgents would do? Go hang out at the beach on the Red Sea and wait for the surge to end? Of course they left Baghdad and are now hitting soft targets far from the city. It’s a game of Whack-A-Mole, except we don’t win a stuffed animal when it’s over. A surge would only work if we sent a couple hundred thousand more soldiers to secure the entire nation. As it is, we are just forcing them to go somewhere else. In this case they found a town highly populated with very poor people.

I’d like to take one of those severed body parts and cram it in Bush’s mouth, to stop him from saying anything about these attacks. Preferably it would be a foot.

It's Saturday and you know what that means: It's time for another FearTheReaper Asshole Fuckface Roundup! Many of you poor bastards don’t have the time to scour the news to find the weeks biggest Asshole Fuckfaces, so I do it for you. Hang on to your pants and take a look at this week's winners.

We start in a state that is constantly giving Florida a run for worst in the country: Virginia.

High school teacher Deb Serio discovered that a “smudge” of driveway sealant looked quite a bit like Jesus Christ. Naturally, word got out about the splotch of God and she began to receive messages from all over the world. Serio did not think the Jesus stain was a miracle, but still put it up on eBay and prayed that there was a remote chance that one of the few religious lunatics in America would buy it.

Surprise. Some idiot coughed up $1,525.69 to buy the chunk of stained concrete that could just as easily be the image of Ted Nugent. The buyer has only been identified as “Islandoffthecoast” or “Douchebag.” A contractor will remove the slab of Nugent stained concrete and ship it to the nutjob. Thank goodness the buyer didn't donate that money to the poor or hungry.

I am going to learn to pee in the shape of Jesus, shit in the shape of Jesus, pour brake fluid in the shape of Jesus, form grill drippings in the shape of Jesus and smash bananas against windows in the shape of Jesus. Actually, I will learn how to pour any fluid in the shape of Jesus. I will then be rich. Yay, America.

My next Asshole Fuckface is a man you will be seeing on the Roundup for many months to come. Yesterday, Rudy Giuliani decided it would be a good idea to say that he spent more time at ground zero that most of the recovery workers.

Is it possible to be a bigger Asshole Fuckface? Rudy was called on his bullshit comment by the media and other presidential candidates. He then tried to backtrack.

He couldn’t even bring himself to make an appropriate apology. He still had to throw in the fact that he spent more time at ground zero some workers. What an amazing Asshole.

It didn’t take long for the people who spent time at ground zero to respond.

International Association of Fire Fighters General President Harold Schaitberger released a statement tearing Giuliani a new asshole. (Which is weird because he is an Asshole Fuckface)

I lived in New York when Giuliani was mayor. Comments like this are not exactly a rare occurrence for Rudy and his inability to show any amount of genuine remorse is standard. There is no way he gets through a presidential campaign without a major fuckup.

There can never be enough George Bush in the Asshole Fuckface Roundup.

We have finally found something that George is excels at: Vacationing. Two days ago he took off for another holiday, this time to his family’s compound in Maine. After an awesome weekend with his Mommy and Daddy, he will head down to Texas, where he has taken 65 different trips since 2001.

To date, Bush has spent 418 days of his presidency on vacation. That is 17% of his total days in office. Have you been allowed to take 17% of the last 6 years off? No? That is probably because you have a really important job, unlike the President of the United States.

Bush is looking to shatter the current record held by another horrible President: Ronald Reagan. Over his 8 years on office, Ronald was on vacation for 436 days. Bush is only 18 days behind Reagan with 17 months to go, which means Bush will not just beat the record, he will shatter it. Hope the war is not too tough on you, George!

It is hard to get through an Asshole Fuckface Roundup with a taking a trip to Texas.

Last week an Arlington church backed out of hosting a funeral for a dead man because he was gay. Cecil Sinclair was a Navy vet who served in Desert Storm. He was not a member of the High Point Church, but his brother was and when Cecil became ill with a heart condition six years ago church members prayed for him.

Last week he died and the church agreed to host Cecil’s memorial service. But after church officials saw a video that was to be a part of the service, they freaked out. The church pastor explained the horrible images.

Dude, if you think a picture of men kissing is a “strong homosexual image,” I could show you some Herculean homosexual images. The church pastor also said the church would hold services for other sinners, like murderers and thieves – but not men who have sex with other men. There is a simple explanation.

How deep is this whole you are going to be digging, pastor? Because at this point it’s mighty deep.

The family found a local funeral home to hold the service. The church then sent over food and the video, but they took out the “offensive images.” Again, the pastor explained.

That is pure Asshole Fuckfacery.

Congrats to all of this weeks Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each receive your very own FearTheReaper embroidered pillowcase.

There are an enormous amount of assholes in the world but only a few make the cut and land up on the FearTheReaper Asshole Fuckface Round Up. Here are this week’s winners:

Rudy Giuliani.

Since 2002, Rudy Giuliani has employed childhood friend Monsignor Alan Placa as a consultant at Giuliani Partners. The great thing about Placa is that he is an accused child molester. A grand jury report contains multiple victims describing how Place molested them. But Placa wasn’t done just diddling the kids; he also was “instrumental in the development of Diocesan policy in response to allegations of sexual abuse of children by priests." He is no longer allowed to perform priestly duties.

Exactly the type of guy you want working for you. Rudy has continued to employ Placa because he "believes Alan has been unjustly accused."

Others see it differently.

But, hey, Placa and Rudy were frat brothers together and you shouldn't break that kind of bond.

Sadly, Rudy will have to break the bond he has with the state chairman of his campaign for South Carolina. It seems Thomas Ravenel has been indicted on federal cocaine charges. He is accused of buying less than 500 grams of cocaine to share with other people in 2005. Revenel resigned from Rudy’s campaign, so Giuliani will have to find another drug dealer or child molester to run it for him. Good luck with the Christian vote! Next up….

George Bush.

George had a little get together at the White House yesterday. Bush held a Congressional picnic on the South Lawn so he could “thank the members of Congress and their families for serving the United States.” It was a Mardi Gras theme!

During the ceremony Bush invited the band leader of the New Orleans jazz band Kermit Ruffins and the Barbeque Swingers up to the podium for a little yuk yuk time. Kermit is a black man. Bush is a rich, white, frat guy. Here we go...

Ha ha! Hilarious! Get it? The black guy is the help. He gets to play music AND pick up garbage. Good stuff. Next up…

Cameron Diaz.

Cameron is on a little trip to Peru, during which she visited the Inca city of Machu Picchu in the Andes. Being incredibly fashionable, she wore an olive green messenger bag that had a big red star on the side and the words, “Serve the people,” printed in Chinese. It may be the most famous slogan of communist leader Mao Zedong.

Had Cameron picked up a book about Peru before she visited or maybe just glanced at a newspaper during the past couple of decades, she might have known that Peruvians were brutalized by a Maoist guerrilla insurgency from the ‘80s into the ‘90s. For years the Shining Path engaged in massacres, bombings and assassinations. 70,000 died.

But the bags look really cute when you’re “roughing it.” Try reading a book, you Hollywood dipshit. Next up…

Martin Luther King, Jr. Harbor Hospital in Los Angeles.

Yes, an entire hospital is an asshole fuckface! Martin Luther King, Jr. is the worst hospital in Los Angeles, maybe the world. It was built after the Watts riots to serve poor, minority communities in south LA. It has a horrendous history, plagued by many patient deaths due to poor nursing care. In the last few years LA country has dumped millions of dollars into the hospital in an effort to turn it around. It didn’t take!

Just ask Edith Isabel Rodriguez who went to the emergency room due to severe stomach pain. The staff was not happy to see her because it was her third visit to the ER.

That was not the kind of care Rodriguez was looking for. She collapsed to the floor, screaming in pain an started vomiting blood. Oh, my God! The nurses rushed to help, right? Nope. Surveillance videos show nurses walking past her as she writhes in pain. A janitor even cleaned up around her as she laid in her own blood. Her boyfriend, who had been gone for half an hour, returned to an ugly scene.

Her boyfriend begged for help from the staff and even a police sergeant. Nobody would help. Eventually he called 911, but considering Rodriquez was already at a hospital, nothing was done. Finally, the county police arrested her for a parole violation. They put her in a wheel chair and pushed her out of the hospital, but they had to do a quick u-turn because her heart had stopped. She died of a perforated bowel, a condition that is easily treated if caught in time. Catching it in time does not occur if you leave the patient bleeding on the floor.

In all probability the hospital will be closed.