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I am sick of the bar scene.

I never thought I would see this day. Five years ago, I was terrified to step into a nightclub. Two years ago, I thought I would never want to leave.

It took a lot of work for me to be comfortable in bars. I felt like I was the ugly duckling at the Cool Kids‘ party. But eventually I got over it. And it was pretty rewarding.

What being comfortable in nightclubs have to do with dating? you ask. Well, one of the great things about nightclubs is there is usually no shortage of women (or men). If you screw up (*), you move on to the next person (or in some cases, the next bar) without any great difficulty.

The other great thing--at least for me--about trying to pick up in a bar was the insane degree of difficulty involved. The bar highlights my weaknesses (lack of physical presence, discomfort among strangers and crowds) and hampers my strengths (conversational ability). Bar pick ups also tend to move faster than other forms of dating. It’s like playing a video game on the hardest setting--everything else feels easier by comparison.

I recommend everyone make a habit of periodically putting themselves in a situation where success feels unlikely. Not only is it a great learning experience, sometimes…well, sometimes we surprise ourselves with what we can do.

In my case, I went from being terrified of bars to being indifferent to being comfortable. Eventually, I even started to--gasp--have fun (**)

It took me a couple years and a whole lot of struggling, but I eventually drank from my Holy Grail.

And now I‘m no longer thirsty.

I’ve learned two lessons from my bar experience.

The first is the importance of giving things a fair chance, whether it’s advice, new experiences, or a even a person I wouldn’t normally date (***). There’s a difference between not liking something because you don’t like it and not liking it because you haven’t given it a fair trial.

The second thing I learned is a little more bittersweet. I’ve learned my feelings change.

That hasn’t just happened with bars. It also hasn’t just happened to me. It seems a lot of us have spent a lot of time chasing something only to get it and decide we don’t want it after all.

It’s normal. In fact, it’s the human goddamned condition. The trick is to recognize it.

I’m always embarrassed endorsing self-awareness in a dating column. It feels highfalutin and pretentious. Know thyself? Come on…this is dating not therapy. I mean it’s great that dating teaches you about yourself and all, but when it comes down to it do you really need anything more cool hair and a sweet pair of shoes?

More and more, I think you do.

Lasting happiness means paying attention. Sometimes you think you want something only to realize it isn’t for you, and it’s back to the drawing board.

This can be a painful realization both for yourself and other people. There is nothing like the feeling of working towards something only to find it’s a dead end. And there is really nothing like looking somebody in the eyes and telling them, “Yeah, I know I said I loved you. But even though you’ve done nothing wrong, I just don’t feel that way anymore.”

That’s a hard thing to say. It’s even harder to hear.

But it happens. Sadly, in love, there are times you’re going to be the bad guy. Sometimes--especially for those nice guys/gals out there--that’s a good sign. It’s a growing pain that means you’re coming into your own.

So, bar scene, I think it‘s time we said our regret-free goodbyes. We had a good run. We danced, drank a lot of gin and tonics, and had some unforgettable experiences. No, it’s not you, it’s me. I’m in a different place now.

If it’s any consolation, bar scene, I have no doubt you’ll find someone else.

You always do.

(*) And believe you me, I screwed up a lot.

(**) The music helps. It’s hard to be upset when you’re shaking your booty to Lady Gaga.

(***) After being rejected in high school, by a girl who wouldn’t even take the time to get to know me, I swore I would never not give someone a chance. My lead guitar player at the time--who was going through an entirely different experience--pointed out: “Yeah, but if you know they aren’t your type, at what point are you just leading people on?” I have no answer for that.

DAN BRODRIBB is a writer and stand-up comic. He is currently seeking a publisher for his book DATING FOR SHY GUYS. Learn more about him at danbrodribb.blogspot.com

(This is a continuation of a series of articles on the fundamentals of conversation. The first one is here. You should probably read it first.)

Almost everyone says you should ask a lot of questions on a date. Almost everyone is full of shit.

If you’re self-disclosing properly, the conversation will flow so naturally you won’t need to ask a lot of questions, provided the other person isn’t Ed the drummer from Almost Famous. By minimizing questions, you make the ones you DO ask that much more powerful. Here are eight other commandments (*) to improve your question-mileage.

Thou shalt only ask a question if you care about the answer. If you are asking questions to fill awkward silences, “just to be nice,” or as a segue into a cool story you want to tell about yourself it is often a sign that you are a) shouldering too much of the conversational burden or b) trying too hard either to impress or to be liked. Either way, it’s counterproductive.

Thou shalt not ask too many questions in a row without revealing something of yourself in return. You aren‘t a therapist or a job interviewer. Besides, conversation is supposed to be a game of catch. If one person does all the asking and the other does all the answering it turns into a game of fetch. And that‘s going to get boring for at least one of you.

Thou shalt only ask one question at a time. Sometimes when you’re nervous, there is a temptation to ask a second question before the other person has a chance to answer the first one. (Ex: “Is the food good? Do you like it?”). Pick one question and ask. You can always stop and correct yourself if necessary. (Is the food good? Do you like--? Sorry about that. What I meant to say was: How do you find your meal?”)

Thou shalt focus on emotional content. Some personality types tend to be most interested in facts: How do I get to the bank from here? Who led the NBA in rebounds in 1996? Where are my goddamn car keys? Unfortunately, fact-based questions tend to lead to conversational dead-ends. A question like “What’s so interesting about the NBA anyway?” will get you much further.

Speaking of avoiding dead ends…

Thou shalt ask open questions. A closed question is a question that can be answered with one or two words, (ie: “Are you high?”) Open questions require more in the way of a response (“What‘s your take on decriminalization?”)

Thou shalt not get too fancy. Some people go to great lengths looking for the perfect question, but that kind of creativity is often counterproductive. Elaborate questions come off as trying too hard, contrived, or awkward. They also tend to narrow the conversational field instead of broadening it. Unless you‘re dating a marine biologist “How has your choice of seafood been affected by the recent findings in the scientific community on the environmental impact of commercial fishing?” is another dead end waiting to happen.

Remember the point isn’t to ask a great question. The point is to get a great answer.

Thou shalt--if necessary--use follow up questions. Sometimes you’ll ask a question and get a response that‘s too short, too vague, or lacks emotional content. In such cases, you can use follow-up questions to get them to elaborate. What was that like? How did you feel about that? Then what happened? Are all great examples.

Thou shalt remember to gather information you need to move things to the next level. If you think this might be the night she comes back to your place to “check out your collection of Ethiopian carvings,” asking “what time do you have to get up tomorrow?” can often tell you everything you need to know. Similarly, if you meet a distinguished gentleman at an art exhibit, remembering to ask “Are you married?” should probably come BEFORE you make the decision whether or not to go for drinks.

If you catch yourself asking too many questions, you can always pull the slick move of turning a question into a statement. Instead of saying, “What are your hobbies?” you can say “I’d like to hear about what you do for fun” or “Tell me more about your 80s cartoon lunchbox collection.”

So there you go. Questions 101. If you have any questions, I’d love to see them via the comments section below (See what I did in that last sentence? Thank you, I‘m here all week).


(*) Commandments might be a little strong. You won’t be damned forever if you don’t follow them. They are useful, although ‘8 Useful Hints’ doesn’t have the same alliterative ring.

There is temptation--especially when you'’re single and lonely--to think of the single, lonely people as the only ones with romantic woes.

When I was a twenty-two year old virgin, I was a deeply unhappy fellow. I also thought getting a girlfriend would solve all my problems. Then I met someone, and guess what? I became a deeply unhappy guy with a girlfriend and problems.

I decided the problem was the girlfriend and got rid of her. It was ten years before I had another one. I stayed unhappy.

Guess the problem wasn'’t the girl.

Things have changed since then. I‘'ve made some different choices. I‘'ve become a happier person. I’'ve been with more women in the past three years than the previous thirty-two combined. I am madly in love with the one I‘'m seeing right now and I'‘m (knock on wood) entertaining serious thoughts about what it would be like to spend my life with her. Also, I write a dating column on the internet.

I am now a happy guy with a girlfriend, a wealth of romantic and sexual experience, a dating column on the internet…and problems.

One of the biggest stumbling blocks to happiness--romantic or otherwise--is the expectation that there will be a time when we don'’t have problems.

There will always be something. First you can'’t get anyone to notice you. Then you get noticed, but it’'s someone you don'‘t like. Then someone you like notices you, but won'’t stick around past three weeks. Then lots of people notice you, and you can'’t say no to any of them, because what if one of them is The ONE and you miss him or her, and besides you’'re used to not having love in your life so you'’re obsessed with getting as much as you can in the same way that people who grow up poor are obsessed with money: “DON’'T LEAVE NOOKIE ON THE TABLE. THERE ARE PEOPLE STARVING FOR LOVE IN ETHIOPIA SO CLEAN YOUR METAPHORICAL ROMANTIC PLATE.”

Also, they don'’t want sex enough. Or they want it too much. Or they remind you too much of your dad, or they chew with their mouth open, or worse, they don‘t seem to have ANY faults at all to the point where you think they might be too good for you, or…

You get the idea.

I have a five-step method for dealing with problems. I like it because it can apply to anything from locking my keys inside my apartment to climate change. I also hate it because doing it well takes effort, and I don‘t always feel like making an effort, especially when I‘'d rather be feeling sorry for myself.

But it works, so here we go:

1 - Accept that problems will arise. They will arise on their own schedule, not yours. They might also not be problems you are ready for.

2 - Pay attention. Observe what is actually happening. Observe what is happening outside and what is happening in your inner world of emotions and thought. Above all, try not to get the two confused.

3 - Recognize what you can control. There are times when we overestimate our power to affect a situation. Other times we wallow in helplessness when deep down, we know better. Learn to tell the difference.

4 - Ask yourself the magic question: “What do I want and what am I willing to do to get it?” Keep in mind the second part is as important as the first.

5 - Take action …or not. Not every problem needs to be solved. But it’'s nice to do what you can.

Pretty simple, huh? It sure looks that way. But putting each step into practice is a journey unto its own. I’'d encourage you to focus on one specific step a week. Explore it as fully as possible in as many situations as possible and see what you find.

Let me know how it goes.

In every new relationship there are moments of truth. They are small moments. Many of us don’t even recognize them or even remember them after they’ve passed. But the way these moments unfold can make the difference between a happily ever after romance and one cut down before it even has a chance to begin.

That’s where leading comes in.

You can make goo-goo eyes at each other across the anime convention floor hall all you want. There still needs to be the moment where someone makes the decision to walk over and start a conversation. Leading can be non-verbal (taking someone by the hand, going for the kiss), or verbal, (asking for the phone number, revealing your sexual fantasy about the Kama Sutra Pirates).

I think of leading as anteing up. You‘re putting your money on the table (usually not literally), at which point the other person needs to either a) meet or beat your investment, or b) opt out of the game.

Leading isn’t about controlling the relationship. If anything, leading is about giving up control, because if the dancer(*) chooses not to follow, it’s the leader who ends up looking stupid.

Leading is about being willing to take risks. On a more practical level, it’s also about avoiding conversations like this.

BOY: Want to go out?
GIRL: Sure. What do you want to do?
BOY: I don’t know. What do you want to do?

And so on into infinity…

If you’re going to ask someone out, the onus is on you to provide direction for what you‘ll be doing. It doesn’t mean there’s no room for negotiation, but someone has to open the bidding.

Which brings us to the question, why does Boy get to lead? Girls can lead too.

They sure can. And if it works for you, go for it. Putting yourself out there when you don’t know how the other person feels takes guts, and I give mad respect to anyone--male, female, or other--that does it. Be advised however, in heterosexual dating circles, the woman leading goes against convention, so be prepared to face the following reactions.

1) Male insecurity. We’ve had it drilled into us from an early age that we are supposed to take charge. So when a woman does it for us, it can be a stab to the ego. Many women have run into this, and it’s what stops them from taking charge on a date. A friend of mine put it best: “It sucks when guys don’t have a plan cause not only do you have to take charge, you have to bring it up in a way that doesn’t hurt his feelings.”

You would think shyer or more inexperienced guys would welcome a woman who takes charge, but sometimes we take it the hardest because it reminds us of our shortcomings.

2) Suspicion. Often the more attractive a guy finds you, the harder time he’ll have trusting your motives. Instead of counting his lucky stars, he’ll be thinking. “There is no way THAT girl would ever have to ask a guy out, especially a guy like me. Either she’s messing with me or she‘s a murderous sex alien like in Species, and either way, I‘m not falling for it. And I‘m going to make sure everyone knows it by saying something mean to her.”

3) Inexperience. Most guys don’t get asked out a lot, which means they aren’t always going to know how to deal with it. I didn’t when it happened to me (**). We freeze-up and stammer and start looking around for the exits. It doesn’t mean we’re not interested. It means we don‘t deal well with unfamiliar social situations.

4) Dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria. When two people are simultaneously trying to be proactive, there’s going to be some clunkiness until they find a rhythm. The comforting thing about convention is everyone knows his or her role. On the other hand, those people bound by convention will never know what it feels like to live by their own rules.

The good news is, truly confident and self-assured guys have no problem with a woman showing a little initiative. The bad news is, most of those men live somewhere in the Andromeda galaxy. Here on planet Earth, truly confident men are a little thinner on the ground than one would hope. Kudos to you, if you’ve found one.

The last point about leading is that YOU DON‘T HAVE TO DO IT ALL THE TIME (***). Leading isn’t a way to prove what an mighty, in-control Alpha Male or Female you are. It’s a way of keeping a smooth flow while you get to know one another.

Good luck. The Kama Sutra Pirates await.

(*) I realize it would be less confusing to use ‘follower’ but I don’t like it. The word ‘follower’ implies blind obedience, which isn’t what we’re talking about at all. Plus ‘dancer’ sounds prettier.

(**) In my defense, the person hitting on me was another guy. Still, I felt dumb for not catching on sooner.

(***) Timing leads is a column on its own, but here are the basics. You lead a) during ambiguous/awkward moments b) as a response to a cue from your partner or c) when he/she has impressed you.

Today we're going to get a little controversial. That's right, we’re going to talk about the C-word.

The C-word gets thrown around a lot. It used to be used mostly among men, but lately, women have started to take it back. It doesn’t sound any better coming from them either.

I’m talking, of course, about the word ‘confidence.’ Being confident is the holy grail of dating advice. “Women love a confident guy.” “If you believe in yourself, the man of your dreams will find you.” "You just need more confidence, Dude."

There are times I’m a fan of stock dating advice, but this is plain unhelpful. If you’re confident, you don’t need to be told. If you aren’t, being told what you lack often leaves you feeling even worse.

Of course, there's always the 'fake it 'til you make it school,' but I've found clever rhymes (Well, kind of clever. Rhyming 'it' with 'it' isn't exactly the height of lyrical sophistication) are a lot easier to say than to put into practice. Besides, pretending to have something you don’t--even if that something is a positive quality--goes against one of my most fundamental secrets to long-term happiness: Always represent yourself honestly.

The truth is, you don‘t need exceptional self-confidence to be successful at dating. Nor do you need to be mysterious, rich, alluring, or even particularly good-looking. Those things are nice bonuses, but they won’t do you any good without the Big One, the other C-word, the one no one talks about.

That word is Comfort.

To me, comfort has two components--being comfortable with other people and being comfortable with yourself.

It may be sexist, but I always think we guys have a harder time helping people feel comfortable. I don’t know if it’s because we get less practice, or because if we’re just tone-deaf when it comes to recognizing bad vibes, whether it's our own or other people's.

But we need to do it, gentlemen. Clever lines or cool magic tricks don't do a lick of good if the object of your affection is creeped out by your very presence.

Most guys worry about getting a woman attracted to him. But for most women I know, attraction is an ephemeral quality. It comes and goes, arises and fades. Attraction is an untrustworthy accomplice. Believe it or not, a woman doesn’t have to be THAT attracted to you, at least not at first. All she needs is to like you enough to give you a chance.

Comfort, on the other hand…comfort is king.

I‘m not talking about the Just Friends platonic blandness that comes with hesitating too long to make a move or we‘ve-been-going-out-two-years-so-I-don‘t-have-to-make-an-effort-anymore laziness. I’m talking about true comfort, where you feel you can say--or do--anything and you won’t be judged for it. It doesn’t matter if you’re looking for a one-night stand or the love of a lifetime. Comfort is the doorway to intimacy(*).

How do you make others comfortable? Do you ask them questions about themselves? Do you buzz around them like a hummingbird offering to take coats and mix drinks? Nope, nope and nope. You can do those things if they’re in your nature, but they aren’t the secret.

The secret to making people around you comfortable is to be comfortable with yourself. That doesn‘t mean having an unwavering belief in your own awesomeness. Nor does it mean refusing to accept feedback or change your behavior. It just means being okay with where you are and whatever you happen to be feeling.

Confidence is unreliable. It comes and goes. But you can always be comfortable. Even in times of uncertainty, you can be at ease with feeling unsure.

If you’re confident, be confident. If you’re afraid, be afraid. If you’re angry at yourself or fearful…well, embrace those things too. The more at peace you are with different facets of yourself, the easier it is for others to open up to you. They don’t have to worry about hurting your feelings. They can trust you. When you meet the world open and unguarded, those around you can relax and let down their own defenses.

Look. Your life is your own. Do what you want. But if you truly want to be comfortable with yourself, you might want to avoid making choices that leave you feeling uncomfortable.

It might not be as glamorous as being confident, but sometimes, just feeling okay about yourself is enough.

(*) As an aside, if comfort is the doorway to intimacy, then being judgmental is the dragon at the gates. It isn’t easy to slay that sucker--he has a tendency to rise from death more than Michael Meyers, but if you can do it, you will find yourself in a treasure-house beyond compare.

Check out my shameless self-promotion at: danbrodribb.blogspot.com


Note the URL code: danbrodribb.blogspot.com this is how you make a link in the columns.