• commentary
  • MONDAY FEBRUARY 2 2009 6:00 AM

Fuck Me Gently With a Chainsaw

When I was a teen, I took to swearing with great gusto. The movie Heathers was very hot among my friends then, and we’d quote it with relish. “Fuck me gently with a chainsaw!” “Why can’t you just be a friend, why do you have to be such a megabitch?” And I’ll admit that since I’ve always looked younger than my age, coupled with my small frame, I got even more pleasure from swearing like a sailor and shocking people. Sweet little Mur said WHAT?

I’m not saying I’d go up to old people in the malls and call them cunt blossoms or anything, but I didn’t hold back when I was with my friends.

I did have limits, though. I remember reading an interview with Mike Tyson in Playboy a while back, where nearly every third word was “fucking.” I had to search for the story drowning in the sea of expletives.

There are made-up swear words. The ones that leap to mind of this geek are “frell” (from Farscape) and “frack” (from Battlestar Galactica). BSG fans found it hysterical that KFC completely missed the mark and advertised the “Frack Pack” on the opener a couple of weeks ago. Twitter was ablaze, “They do know they’re selling a Fuck Pack, right?” While the words do fit for network television, allowing our characters to swear as much as they want, they do sound a little watered down and sad.

I was surprised when people started reading my book and complaining to me of the swearing. “I don’t see why so many people need to say unnecessary swear words.” Some of my friends say that it’s a gender thing: some people react more strongly to women swearing than men, and when I read the audio podcast of my novel, people could get turned off by “sweet little Mur” swearing like a character in Deadwood. Others say that the content of the book –– superheroes –– implies it’s safe for kids while the language is not. (Ever read Powers?)

But people haven’t told me there’s too much murder in the book. Or too much torture. Or too much dismemberment (actually one person said there wasn’t enough dismemberment, but we won’t talk about him). People are immune to violence, but if you throw in some swearing, nudity, or (gasp) a gay character and they’ll get their panties in a wad.

(As an aside, I just got done watching Season Two of Dexter on DVD, and Lila was a favorite character. She was not a trembling violet; she was brash, rude and sexual. When she was nude in the kitchen and Dexter's sister Deb walked in on her, Lila casually draped an arm across her breasts, smiled, and said, “Pardon my tits.” That was true to the character –– anything less wouldn't have fit.)

To research this more, I went to the pros. Both New York Times Bestselling Authors, Scott Sigler and Tracy Hickman are very different storytellers.

Sigler is the author of Infected and Contagious, scifi/horror thrillers that are peppered liberally with violence and swearing. He calls it “asinine” that people think they live in a pristine world. “You have to use the language that fits the story,” he says. “If you don't, you're producing a contrived projection of the way you think the world should be. Not the way it is. Some people swear, therefore, it's logical if some characters swear.”

I told him of the reader who hinted strongly that if I wrote stories and books without swearing, he’d be a faithful supporter. Sigler said, “It's a free market literary economy; if people don't like it, they can put it down. Just like they can turn the channel if they don't like what's on the TV.”

When asked if he’d ever consider cleaning up a work to appeal to an audience, he said, “I have a book called The Rookie. It's about a futuristic football league; in football, people swear. But the sci-fi and sports elements of this tale make it ideal for teenagers and pre-teens, so I am modifying the cursing to suit that audience…to bring it under the threshold most parents sustain for their children. Once people are old enough to make up their own minds, however, I let the story be what it needs to be, and the characters be what they need to be.”

On the other side of the spectrum we have Tracy Hickman, bestselling fantasy author who is very active within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He has a different opinion of the use of colorful language. He does swear in his books, but not very often. “Swearing is like spice...If you do not use it the text feels unnatural and bland. If you use too much of it, it makes the whole [book] unpalatable.”

He does add most people fall on the ‘unpalatable’ side of the balance. “The problem is that people today swear too much. Swearing is a crutch in conversation. It's what you say when you haven't got real words.”

Hickman recently brought an older book of his, The Immortals, back into print. Different from his usual fantasy stories, this book is about future U.S. internment camps for victims of a new strain of an AIDS-like virus. He says that the new version is altered from the original. "In my original manuscript and first publication there was quite a bit of swearing in it. I used the 'f-bomb' in that book on a couple of occasions; the only time in my writing career that I ever knowingly did that. My justification at the time was that 'real people in the real world' would speak that way. Later, when I had a chance to republish the book, I went back and removed all the 'f-bombs.' On a second reading I found that it got in the way of the message for me. While people 'in the real world' may not guard their speech so carefully, the book isn't about the 'real world.' The important thing is the story and the message, not the verisimilitude of the whole thing."

Hickman then pointed this out, "Being emotionally inarticulate doesn't get you anywhere. There's a difference between letting people know THAT you feel and letting them know HOW or WHAT you feel."

I’m still of the opinion that a well-placed, “sunnuva bitch” can carry a lot of weight. Much more than a, “darn it.” It’s shocking to put a swear word in the mouth of a character who rarely swears. Some of the more creative epithets can add a lot to a story. Like adverbs, passive voice, or any part of language, swearing is a tool. If you use it properly, it can add a lot to your story. If you don't, it shows as glaring overkill.

You can't please everyone, however. If you use swearing, you'll turn off those who don't like it. And if you don't use swearing, someone may notice and question the "realism" of your story.

To close my thoughts on swearing, I'd like to quote a wonderful blog post on swearing. I’ll let it speak for itself.

When I read in A Novel in a Year that the author believes swearing in fiction usually betrays an immaturity in the writer, quite honestly the first word that crossed my mind was “Bullshit.”…I think a well-chosen ’shit for brains’ or ‘fuckhead’ or ‘cock breath’ can really lift a sentence to giddy heights of illicit pleasure. And the big reason why I am mounting a defence of the swear word is that it’s just the way a lot of people talk. If there wasn’t any swearing in my manuscript, I’d actually think it failed the test of the real.

~Diana Jenkins, "I Love Swear Words."




Mur Lafferty is an author and podcaster who recently released her first novel, Playing For Keeps. She Speaks Geek every month on SuicideGirls.com. Click HERE for more of Mur's musings.


  • news
  • THURSDAY JUNE 7 2007 10:00 PM

Circuit Court To FCC: “Go Fuck Yourselves”



Remember when President Bush corralled that twat Tony Blair at the G8 conference last year and was caught on camera saying they needed to “get Hezbollah to stop this shit”? Or what about back in 2004 when dickface Vice President Cheney told cuntmunch Senator Patrick Leahy to “go fuck yourself” on the floor of the Senate? Good times, especially since that was the day the Senate passed the “Defense of Decency Act”.

Don’t you think it’s just a wee bit hypocritical that the two of the three most powerful men in our goddamned government can get away with saying “fuck” and “shit,” but if Bono accidentally drops one eensy fucking little F-Bomb on TV then the station that broadcasts it gets ass-rammed for indecency by the FCC? It sure sounds that way to me.

Apparently, it sounded that way to a federal fuckin’ court of appeals as well.

If President Bush and Vice President Cheney can blurt out vulgar language, then the government cannot punish broadcast television stations for broadcasting the same words in similarly fleeting contexts.

That, in essence, was the decision on Monday, when a federal appeals panel struck down the government policy that allows stations and networks to be fined if they broadcast shows containing obscene language.


As most of you know, the FCC is an independent regulatory agency charged with regulating broadcast communications. Until the Janet Jackson incident (or the “Boob Seen ‘Round the World"wink, the FCC was generally pretty lax in their enforcement of decency standards. Afterwards, spurred on by public outcry (“What the hell was that thing on her nipple!?!?!”) and Congressional posturing, the FCC became more aggressive at regulating obscenity on the airwaves. This lead to an increase in both the amount and frequency of FCC fines.

In this case, the regulatory action under review was the repeated imposition of fines and violations for mere “fleeting expletives” or words that implied sexual or excretory acts. They levied these fines and violations on the basis of Title 18, Sec. 1464 of the U.S. Criminal Code, which makes it a crime to broadcast “obscene, indecent or profane” language, despite the fact that until now it had never been applied to such “fleeting” four-letter words. This policy has been in place ever since.

Until the Second Circuit this week said “try again, motherfuckers.”

But the judges said vulgar words are just as often used out of frustration or excitement, and not to convey any broader obscene meaning. “In recent times even the top leaders of our government have used variants of these expletives in a manner that no reasonable person would believe referenced sexual or excretory organs or activities.”

Adopting an argument made by lawyers for NBC, the judges then cited examples in which Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney had used the same language that would be penalized under the policy. Mr. Bush was caught on videotape last July using a common vulgarity that the commission finds objectionable in a conversation with Prime Minister Tony Blair of Britain. Three years ago, Mr. Cheney was widely reported to have muttered an angry obscene version of “get lost” to Senator Patrick Leahy on the floor of the United States Senate.

“We find that the F.C.C.’s new policy regarding ‘fleeting expletives’ fails to provide a reasoned analysis justifying its departure from the agency’s established practice,” said the panel.


But that shit ain’t all, yo. The Court went a step further, and was all like “haven’t you assholes heard of the First Amendment?”

“We are skeptical that the commission can provide a reasoned explanation for its ‘fleeting expletive’ regime that would pass constitutional muster,” said the panel in an opinion written by Judge Rosemary S. Pooler and joined by Judge Peter W. Hall. “We question whether the F.C.C.’s indecency test can survive First Amendment scrutiny.”


To buttress that claim, the bitches on the panel even cited fuckin’ Reno v. ACLU. That case made it OK for FearTheReaper to call everyone on this site a “cumstain.” On a broader sense, you could say it helped ensure that this asstacular website even exists.

Similarly, the human blowjobs at the FCC are now worried that this ruling will do for the airwaves what Reno did for the Intertubes.

…[T]op officials at the Federal Communications Commission said the opinion could gut the ability of the commission to regulate any speech on television or radio.
[..]
Mr. Martin, the chairman of the commission, attacked the panel’s reasoning.

“I completely disagree with the court’s ruling and am disappointed for American families,” he said. “The court says the commission is ‘divorced from reality.’ It is the New York court, not the commission, that is divorced from reality.”

He said that if the agency was unable to prohibit some vulgarities during prime time, “Hollywood will be able to say anything they want, whenever they want.”


Boo fucking hoo, cockhead.

The full text of the Second Circuit Court of Appeals’ ruling can be found here. Be careful though, as it does contain some language that may be offensive. And shit.