It is interesting to watch the slow motion Democratic train wreck, for so many reasons. For the first time in history a black man and a woman are battling it out to be the nominee of one of America’s two parties. The contest is close and has become heated at times, which has led to some depressing actions from the Clinton campaign.

Sadly, Obama’s victory in South Carolina went just as the Clinton’s hoped it would. Obama’s crushing victory was portrayed by the Clintons as a result of race, nothing more. Bill immediately came out and made a very ugly statement on TV.




Get it? Barack is black. So is Jesse Jackson. Never mind the many white candidates who have won South Carolina over the years, but come up short in the race to be the Democratic nominee. They aren’t as good of an example. Jesse Jackson represents the old school black candidate. He’s the guy black people vote for and whites don’t, a glaring example of the separation between blacks and whites in our country. With his simple statement, Bill Clinton was telling white America that Barack Obama is the black candidate and that is something to fear.

Many want to deny this is what their precious Clintons were up to. They claim Bill misspoke or the footage was edited to remove context. Both are bullshit excuses. The transcript is available for all to read and Bill is the guy who came up with the delightful quote, “Depends what your definition of “is” is.” He doesn’t make mistakes when he speaks, his clever oratory abilities are what got him into the White House.

Add to that, this little Clinton campaign quote and it’s pretty obvious what the Clintons were doing.

The Clintons are ugly human beings. The goal is to take us back in time 20 years, push America to see Obama simply as the candidate of blacks, like Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson, and cause his support among whites, Hispanics and other ethnic groups to plummet. Hopefully it backfires.

Sadly, this is just one of many aspects of the current race that has the possibility of tearing the Democratic Party apart. Right now there are three big, ugly elephants sitting in the room and Dems are hoping they don’t start to roar or take a huge, pachyderm shit. Problem number two involves delegate stripping and problem number three is the super delegate.

It’s cute that many of you Democrats believe your vote counts. It doesn’t. You are meaningless. I mean, you get to vote and your vote is tallied and hopefully your candidate is nominated. But if the race is close and it comes down to the last few states, then you are meaningless. The Democratic Party made sure long ago that you filthy, little peasants wouldn’t pick a candidate they didn’t like.

In the '70s, things did not go the way party leaders wanted them to go. George McGovern won in '72, then got his ass kicked by Nixon. Then outsider Jimmy Carter won in '76 – and immediately battled his own party in Congress. Next up, Ted Kennedy further fractured the party in 1980 by running against Carter. Democratic insiders had had enough of this democracy bullshit. Their way of fixing the system was to invent super delegates.

Party leaders created super delegates in 1982, to control the nomination process. Democratic leaders gave themselves a large portion of delegates that have nothing to do with the voting process. They are members of Congress, governors and elected members of the DNC. Altogether, there are 796 super delegates, or 20% of the number needed to secure the nomination. Would you vote in the general election if you knew that 20% of the votes would come from a bunch of government insiders? How exactly is that democracy?

But, it works out for everybody involved. The delegates have massive power, which leads to back scratching (money and jobs) from the future president. This year, Hillary has already won the backing of an overwhelming number of super delegates. If voters were electing the Democratic nominee, Hillary would be behind Obama 48-63. With super delegates added in, Hillary is actually ahead 249-179. How’s your democracy going, suckers?

If this continues, or is at all a factor when the convention rolls around, the Democrats will have a civil war on their hands. The party will split in two and a massive number of Democratic voters will become disillusioned. So, what should a candidate do during these uneasy times? A smart candidate would makes sure they legitimately secure the nomination and not rock the boat. But Hillary Clinton is a power hungry idiot.

In December, the Democratic National Committee stripped Michigan and Florida of their votes. They were forced to do because Michigan and Florida moved up their primaries, after being repeatedly warned not to do so. Now Hillary is challenging that decision; shockingly right after she won Michigan, where she was the only nominee to appear on the ballot. More on that in a minute first lets get back to the stripping.

Michigan has been complaining for years about Iowa and New Hampshire going first. Michigan party leaders believe the two states are really, really white and, therefore, do not fully represent the nation. Also, Michigan has been hit by difficult economic times and the state wants candidates to address the issues, instead of skipping it every year. Michigan threatened to move it’s primary up in 2000 and 2004. Both times, the DNC begged the state not to, and guaranteed the process would change "next time." But, it never did. So, this year, Michigan moved their primary up, to January 15th.

Now, this put the DNC is a very difficult position. What is the point of having rules, if they are not punished when broken? (See Bush White House) Also, if the DNC did not do something, states would just keep pushing up their dates in an attempt to be first and we would end up starting primaries in October. There has to be some sort of order, but Michigan took a chance and ended up getting kneed the nuts. In the long run, it will benefit everyone because the DNC will be forced to look at the current lame primary system. But, in 2008, Michigan is screwed.

Florida was a different story. Republicans hosed the Democrats in Florida. The Republican legislature voted to move the primary up and the GOP governor signed off, knowing it would fuck over Democrats in the state. It was completely out of Florida Democrats control. And to add to the heinous act, Republicans have a pretty, little ballot measure they love on the January 29th ballot. By eliminating the importance of the Democratic nomination process, they lessen the number of Democratic voters who will head to the polls and can win their “property tax relief” ballot measure. It is classic Republican democracy, which always focuses on the best way to get less people to vote. The DNC also stripped Florida of it's delegates.

Florida and Michigan are still demanding their delegates are counted at the convention. Michigan already voted and Hillary won with 55%, because Kucinich was the only other candidate on the ballot. Hillary also pulled a sleazy move by getting the Michigan governor, a Clinton supporter, to change the rules so write-ins would be tossed out. You literally could not vote for Obama or Edwards in Michigan if you wanted to. But, that’s our Hillary. Whatever it takes.

And she’s not done. Hillary is now making noise to get Michigan’s 174 delegates and Florida’s 210 delegates counted. Now. Not before the Michigan primary. After. When she had won the state. Against no competition. Because the other candidates were following the rules of the DNC.

Her timing in asking for the delegates to be counted now is obvious and sleazy. Some would call it good politics, others, with brains, would call it disillusioning and Rovian. Hillary’s reasoning is obvious. She is making this move before the Florida election to get in the good graces of Democrats in Florida, where Barack is also on the ballot, unlike Michigan. And just to make things pleasant and keep the party intact, she’s publicly saying that if the other Democratic candidates support the DNC decision, they will appear to be anti-Michigan and anti-Florida. She is also campaigning in Florida. This all comes just a couple of months after she gave her word that she would do no such thing.

Politically, in a winner-take-all world, it’s a great idea. If she is able to win and make these delegates count, she will get the nomination. But, it is not winner-take-all. It's a primary process and she needs her opponents supporters to side with her if she wins the nomination. Will the price she will pay for winning the Democratic nomination be worth it?

Or, to put it another way; how fucking stupid is Hillary Clinton? The all out war to win the nomination will have consequences. These tactics could easily push her over the edge and Obama’s supporters will feel she stole her victory by being underhanded. Hardball politics has unintended consequences and she is playing as hardball as it gets. What will black voters think if the Clinton’s version of the Southern Strategy works? What will Obama’s new, young voters think if the rules are changed and the delegates suddenly count? And what will all Democrats think if Hillary wins the nomination because a bunch of Washington DC politicians had the final say? Her actions are inexcusable. I'm actually starting to wonder if all those right wing people attacking Hillary throughout the 90s were right and I doubt I'm alone.

Welcome to the Democratic train wreck. In a year when they should have it all, they are throwing it away.

There is something worse than living in Florida: Being sent to a prison in Florida. There is something worse than living in a prison in Florida: Not being able to jerk off in a prison in Florida. This week a 20-year-old inmate in the Broward County jail was convicted of masturbating while alone in his jail cell. You read that correctly. A 20-year-old dude was convicted of jerking off while he was alone in his jail cell. I’m going to write that one more time, just in case you are having as hard a time with this as I am. A 20-year-old was convicted of rubbing his cock until semen shot out while he was alone in a jail cell. He convicted of indecent exposure and sentenced to 60 days for the offense. Florida is officially the worst place, ever.

I find it difficult to be alone with my cock in my bedroom without touching it – and I am not deprived of sex. My wife allows me to place my penis in her often and move it about until it goes, “ugh” and releases some sort of sauce. I am lucky. If I were alone in a jail cell, I would attack my penis until it looked like it had lasted fifteen rounds with Mike Tyson in his prime. There would be no stopping how often and how furiously I would masturbate. It would keep me off drugs and out of an Aryan gang. I would have no need to shank anyone, ever. The fact that masturbation is somehow illegal in prison boggles the mind.

Seven other inmates have also been charged with rubbing their cocks to orgasm. Three of the inmates have accepted plea deals, three are awaiting trial and one had his case dismissed. The same deputy, who just happens to be female, charged all of them. I think it is safe to say a man would never charge another man for jerking off.

During the trial, jurors were asked about their own “masturbation habits.” They were also asked to raise their hands if they had never masturbated. Not one juror put their naughty hand up. And that is just the beginning of the worst trial in the history of mankind.

Nicely done. The defense attorney actually asked the guard if she had considered calling in the SWAT team to stop the prisoner from masturbating.

Well played, you fucking lunatic. He should have been shot for his horrible self-loving. Why do I think you have never had an orgasm? You just seem bitter.

The jury convicted after determining that a prison cell was neither public nor private but was a "limited access public place.” What a prudent use of state of Florida’s money. The only person worse than the prison guard is the prosecutor who took this crap to trail. We should all rub one out in protest.

A Florida state legislator wants to ban the term "illegal alien" from official state documents. Democratic Senator Frederica Wilson of Miami has introduced a bill that would make it illegal for a state agency or official to use the term “illegal alien” in government documents, although there would be no punishment for a violation.

Or outer space. But then again, I haven’t met many people from outer space or out of space, so maybe I’m not the best person to comment.

Here’s something called a “definition,” which I found in something called a “dictionary.”

Maybe it would be better for Wilson to talk to the people who make dictionaries and ask them to change the definition of the word “alien.” But no, let's change thousands of state documents and waste tons of money and paper.

Instead of “alien” she wants the government to use the world “immigrant.” Surprisingly, Wilson says she does not mind the word “illegal,” although she does prefer “undocumented.” So, if Wilson gets what she wants, “illegal aliens” will henceforth be called, “undocumented immigrants.” Either way, I need my lawn cut.

Remember how electronic voting machines were going to clear up all the issues that came up out in the 2000 election debacle? Well it seems as if Florida still hasn't figured out how to count ballots, and once again the Democrats are getting screwed because of it.

Great. So even though the Democrats managed to retake the house, they could have possible had a stronger majority. But partisan issues aside, this is really a travesty of democracy. Regardless of which candidate people decide to cast their ballot for, their ballots have to be counted in order for it to mean anything. It doesn't seem like that complicated of a thing to do - in fact, I'm guessing that any ninth grader in a computer programming class could figure how to write the software for it. So what's so hard? Why can't we get reliable voting equipment? Does voting really mean so little any more?

In what could be the most devastating news to emerge from the 2006 mid-term election, Katherine Harris went down in a heap of jew hating flames. Incumbent Bill Nelson held onto his seat. Jesus is crying.

Don't cry, you're a fucking hero


They don't know what they've done


Hang tough


Jesus still loves you


I've got a hug waiting


I'm gonna miss the game face


God bless

Early election voting has begun and so has the cheating. As has become a tradition in voting since we began using electronic voting machines, voters attempt to select a Democrat only to have their vote switched to a Republican. The process is so prevalent it has earned a name: Vote flipping. In nearly every case reported the flipping goes in favor of Republicans.

So far flipping reports have popped up in Miami, Tampa, St. Louis, Virginia, Arkansas, Dallas, and San Antonio. The reports are typical of what has been reported since Bush stole the election in 2000.

But technology can be checked with technology. Different groups are organizing voters to use the text and video capabilities of cell phones to monitor polls. Video the Vote was created by independent filmmaker Jim Ennis and elections activist James Rucker. So far the site has been viewed over 100,000 times. It is a combination of citizen journalism and a flash mob. Volunteers will receive text messages of irregularities on election day. They will then rush to polling places and document the cheating on video. The video will then be uploaded online for the world to see. Rucker says the project was motivated by lack of media coverage in recent years.



Another site partaking in citizen video monitoring is Veek The Vote. Cell phone users can email their videos into a searchable database on the site that will serve as a source for election footage.

Aside from HBO’s new film, "Hacking Democracy," the media has decided not to cover the glaring problems in our election system. This could be a devastating response. Hundreds of videos online could totally undermine what is left of plummeting voter confidence.

This week, the editors of SG approached me with the task of interviewing former Republican Congressman Mark Foley in light of his recent resignation. The transcript of this interview can be found below. At the behest of Mr. Foley, the interview was conducted via Instant Messenger.

Jkess1974: Good evening, Mr. Foley. Thank you for making time for this interview. I’m sure you’ve had numerous requests for interviews, and all of us at SG appreciate your granting me access.

Maf54: Im clicking around site now. Is there a suicide boys link?

Jkess1974: Not sure. I’ll check with the editors, and get back to you on that.

Maf54: there should b…it seems like gender bias to me. LOL

Jkess1974: Right. First question – I can only imagine the mental strain you must be under in lieu of recent events. Are you still in Washington, or are you weathering the storm, so to speak, back in your home state of Florida?

Maf54: i am in pensecola…had to catch a plane.

Jkess1974: Got it. I just wanted to tell you, that although this is my first assignment as a real news “journalist,” I did my homework. Last night I looked you up on Wikipedia. It says that during your political career, one of the pieces of legislation you helped pass was a bill that helped surviving heirs of Holocaust victims collect the money from life insurance policies that was owed them. Most journalists only focus on one aspect of any given story, but I wanted to be unique in my approach and start with something positive. So, as a Jew, I just wanted to say thank you!

Maf54: My pleasure. You are unique! How old are you?

JKess1974: 31. Why?

Maf54: That’s young. You must look good!

Jkess1974: Um, I guess. I’m okay. I write a lot and don’t exercise as much as I should, so I’m a bit pale…but, I’m getting off track. Sorry.

Maf54: Pale skin is healthy skin. Probably wrinkle-free nothing to be sorry about.

JKess1974: uhm…hold on a second, getting my notes in order. Ok, next question, it says here that while in office, you were one of the foremost opponents of Child Pornography, even chairing the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children. You also introduced a bill four years ago prohibiting websites from posting sexually explicit images of children, saying that “these websites are nothing more than a fix for pedophiles.” In light of the leak of the sexually charged Instant Message exchange between you and a 16 year-old page, how do you reconcile this disconnect?

Maf54: What r u wearing?

Jkess1974: What?

Maf54: What r u wearing!?

Jkess1974: Um…I’m not sure I see the relevance between what I’m wearing and the question I jus

Maf54: just trying to make you feel comf4table, so you can have a better interview. No biggie LOL

Jkess1974: t asked.

JKess1974: um. Okay. I still don’t see the relevance

Maf54: stop being a coyboy!

Jkess1974: Sorry. Didn’t mean to offend you. Did I offend you, Mr. Foley, sir?

Maf54: won’t be offended if you answer the question.

Jkess1974: Okay. Fine. I guess I can do this. I’m wearing jeans, a grey t-shirt, new balance sneakers…that’s it.

Maf54: hmm. do you have a bulge?

Jkess1974: I’m a little paunchy around the mid-section, if that’s what you mean. I really should exercise more often.

Maf54: I bet u have great legs

Jkess1974: Stop. You’re making me blush.

Maf54: ?

Jkess1974: My legs are kinda good. My sister always tells me I have nice legs and should wear more shorts…

Maf54: I’m making a mental picture.

Jkess1974: Seriously!? How do you do that? That’s totally like an X-man power! I once thought I could bend paperclips with my mind, but it turned out I couldn’t. long story.

Maf54: No silly! Im making a mental picture of your legs in tight tight shorts.

Jkess1974: Oh. Now i feel dum. Um, hey, but listen,…I’m not gay. I mean, I respect everyone’s sexual preferences and all…

Maf54: I’m not gay either. Until last week, I was a Republican Congressman! Stop getting weird or ill end the interview.

Jkess1974: sorry. Yikes. I totally misunderstood…its very difficult conducting an interview in a cyberspace. Sorry, Mr. Foley.

Maf54: It’s fine. No biggie.

Jkess1974: Ok, so next question. Do you feel that your resignation and the media frenzy surrounding it will hurt the Republican Party this election year?

Maf54: brb

Maf54 signed off at 7:40:42 PM

Jkess1974: Hello?

Maf54 signed on at 7:49:12 PM

Jkess1974: Hello?

Maf54: Hey.

Jkess1974: Hey. So,

Maf54: did any girl give you a hand job this weekend?

JKess1974: Huh? Um…no. I’m taking anti-anxiety/depression medication which has really affected my sex drive.

Maf54: did you spank it this weekend yourself?

Jkess1974: I still do that time to time…so, yeah. but why are you asking?

Maf54: wow. That’s hot. did you spank it the shower?

Jkess1974: No. I live in Brooklyn. My shower’s really really small. I can barely even shower in it.

Maf54: Did you spank it in bed?

Jkess1974: Whoa! That’s weird. How did you know that!?

Maf54: did your 1 eyed snake spirt into a towel or tissue?

JKess1974: no. into a used sock.

Maf54: Mmmm. I love used sox. Will u mail it to me?

Jkess1974: You want me to mail you…

Maf54: yes!!!!

Jkess1974: my…sock?

Maf54: I have aa totally stiff wood now!

Jkess1974: Wood? You mean like a…

Maf54: table. I moved my laptop to wood table.

Jkess1974: Oh, I was confused

Maf54: You’re a good interviewer. U make me want to open up. U should do this more.

Jkess1974: thanks! That means a lot to me, cuming from someone like you who is interviewd a lot.

Maf54: I feel like ive known you 4ever. I want to see pics of u?

Jkess1974: Well, I can email something if you want.

Maf54: No!!! Do you have a webcam?

JKess1974: Of course. Its 2006, everyone does.

Maf54: send me a pic.

Jkess1974: alright, why not! What should I take a picture of.

Maf54: show me what ur face looked like when you were a coyboy!!!

Jkess1974: ok. Hold on.




Maf54: that’s my coyboy!

Jkess1974: u like?

Maf54: haha yes. Very nice. Take another?

JKess1974: Sure. How should I do it this time?

Maf54: with yur shirt off. I bet yur not THAT paunchy!

Jkess1974: ok. But I warned you! LOL




Jkess1974: that one came out weird. I was totally yawning!

Maf54: Liar! You were showing off!!! LOL

Maf54: Do you have a ruler?

Jkess1974: Yeah. Why?

Mag54: For the next one, I want you to do something for me



Dear SG readership, due to the statutes laid forth by numerous International Laws governing permissible content for use on the Internet, the rest of Jonathan Kesselman’s interview with ex-Florida Congressman Mark Foley could not be posted. We apologize for any and all inconveniences.

Sincerely,

The Editorial Staff





Jon_Kesselman is the filmmaker responsible for THE HEBREW HAMMER. He is currently co-writing and directing Odd Todd for Paramount, writing and directing The Orbit Of Bob for Nickelodeon, producing Confessions Of An Ivy League Bookie with Andrew Fierberg and Steven Shainberg, and writing the sequel to the Hebrew Hammer, entitled The Hebrew Hammer 2: Hammer VS Hitler. He lives with his new partner Mark Foley and their two cats Snow Pea and Ratatouille in Brooklyn, NY

Florida Republican congressional candidate Tramm Hudson made a bit of a verbal error earlier this year when he unleashed his opinion on black people and swimming.

The comments were apparently made at a Christian Coalition political forum earlier this year. Since Jesus was most probably a black dude, Hudson must have been explaining to his fellow Christians that it was a good thing the Lord could walk on water or he would have drowned.

Hudson is one of five candidates seeking the Republican nomination to succeed the very scary Congressional Representative Katherine Harris. Harris is running for Senate and will be crushed horribly in November.

Hudson said that the comment was out of character for him and apologized to any person who was hurt by his comments. His campaign also issued statements from a local civil rights activist and the local NAACP president Trevor Harvey, both stating they did not consider the comments to be racist. Maybe tomorrow both men will plunge into a river and drown to prove how Hudson is so very not racist.

In a shining example how truly Godless America has become, the state of Florida wants to take away the license of a nurse who cared for Terri Schiavo. The Florida Department of Health is claiming Carla Sauer-Iyer improperly disclosed confidential patient information, which violates Florida law. The department conveniently dismisses the fact that her act did not violate God’s law.

Wingless angel Terry Schiavo was murdered on March 31, 2005 when her food was taken away by faithless beasts doing the bidding of Satan. Terry had been in a coma since she collapsed in 1990. Sauer cared for Schiavo in 1998 when she was a patient at the Palm Garden of Largo. During that time Sauer saw Terry communicate clearly, eat from a baby bottle and chuckle at funny stories.

Three days before Terry was killed, Sauer went on CNN to tell American what she had observed. In what must have been a very scary moment, with so many people wanting Terry’s death and not wanting to hear the truth, Sauer used God’s strength to explain that she had seen Terry laugh, say “Mommy” and “Help me.” Schiavo also enjoyed milkshakes and pudding.

After watching the program in liberal gay promoting Massachusetts, a registered nurse called the Florida Health Department and complained. Now, over a year later, the state has offered to settle the complaint if Sauer gives up her nursing license, pays a fine of $1,683 and agrees not to apply for a license in the future. Sauer has refused and is now waiting for a date to be set for an administrative hearing. Good thing Mother Teresa didn’t practice in Florida.

We will never know if Terry could have improved because her husband and the state took her life prematurely. And now we throw another victim on the pile. Shame, American, shame.