Plissken's Shit Food Review: Panda Express
I fucking love Chinese food. I do. And if you don't, you're probably just a racist. You need to get past Pearl Harbor, dude. It was over a hundred years ago. And you still can't be sore that they kicked our ass in Vietnam. Fuck. Let it go. Enjoy their tasty cuisine and the rich tapestry of flavors that is Panda Express.
Being a fat guy, I already knew where one was located. Right through the Oregon State University book shop, past the mini-mart, take a right turn at that table full of hippie assholes jamming to Phish, a left past the vegan burrito place where the asshole phish-listening hippies work, straight down the hall that smells like asshole phish-listening hippie farts, past the crazy bible guy who opens the door for you while screaming "In the name of Christ!", and then left at the water fountain that squeals like Emmanuel Lewis in a trash compactor when you use it. And you're there. Simple, no?
The first thing to do when approaching a shitty Chinese joint is scope out the back room situation. But, do it carefully. The Chinese are a naturally wary people and emit a neurotoxic gas when startled. You're looking to see who's cooking this shit up. I've eaten a lot of crappy Kung Pao made by white guys with dreadlocks named Pooky, and I can tell you this is a situation where indeed the Chinaman is the issue, dude.
This particular day, I needed a lot of grease to soak up some of last night's adventures with The Kickin' Chicken, so I went with a two-item combo of the least healthiest things on the menu: Orange Chicken and Beijing Beef, with a side of chow mein noodles versus fried rice.
I found the clear plastic take-away container to be ideal as in no way could it absorb any of the precious grease contained within.
Included with the meal (upon my request) were a couple packets of Kikkoman soy sauce. This is the good stuff, folks ... no hydrolyzed protein substitutes and caramel coloring here. Sort of like spinning rims on an '87 Ford Tempo, but what the hell.
Fuck you, high blood pressure!
I first sampled the most popular dish served at Panda Express, my old favorite Orange Chicken.
Wow. This stuff hasn't held up well over the years. What was once a past favorite of mine has devolved into an over-sweet under-spiced ball of grease, more batter than chicken. This is only made worse by the fact that it was scooped out of a bin that had seen more time under a heat lamp than George Hamilton. This is easily the most disappointed I've been since Haagen Dazs discontinued Sticky Toffee Pudding flavor.
Next comes the Beijing Beef, which bears a strong resemblance to Mongolian Beef with a kick.
The website describes this dish as "crispy on the outside and tender on the inside". I guess it wouldn't sell if they told the truth and said the dish "captures the full texture and chewiness of a premium brand prophylactic". Once I got past the jaw-numbing chewiness, I found the flavor to be not too bad. Not too sweet and with just enough kick. Perhaps if this was fresh and contained a few more of the "crisp bell peppers and sliced onions" the description touts it wouldn't be bad. Perhaps.
Lastly, I ate the Chow Mein. Probably because it was the most healthy. I figure that way it'll just push the other stuff right on through, no harm no foul.
Hrm. This stuff tasted off. Like smoke and burnt. It can't really be seen in the above, but the noodles themselves had a little char to them. Hmm. I'm not sure if this flavor is intentional or not, but I know it's not exactly pleasant. It distracts and dominates the flavor of the whole dish. I wouldn't have finished, but this damn combo meal was $5.60 and 75% noodle. On the positive side, it did lead to a series of farts that smelled like a campfire which, if nothing else, was an entertaining change of pace.
So that wraps up my adventures with the bottom rung of Chinese cuisine. I went into it with high hopes based on my past experiences with the chain and was shown truly how much they had gone downhill in a few years. Perhaps quality is location specific, I really don't know. I do know I probably won't go back to a place whose sole redeeming factor is the issuance of bad-ass black plastic forks that look stolen from the Death Star commissary.
4/10 flushes
SnakePlissken guarantees this article 100% Ashton Kutcher free.
Plissken's Shit Food Review: Taco Bell Big Bell Box Meal
If you can count, and have mastered the Gregorian calendar, then you know that today is Cinco de Mayo. This festival of celebration and revelry proudly commemorates the stunning victory of General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguín over Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania IV in 1988. Or something like that, I think. I'm not sure, I ain't so good at book learnin'. Anywho, what better day to go have some Taco Bell?
First Impressions
Today, I got to see a weird, middle-aged man sit in the parking lot and eat tacos. Not in his car, but sitting on the curb in the sun with his tray, facing the dumpster. Given his proximity to the waste receptacle, I could only assume he was a Taco Bell veteran. I thought briefly about attempting to snap a photo, but he looked a bit stabby and I haven't had health insurance since 2001.
After being put on hold, I went ahead and screamed my order into the magic talkly box and pulled around. Greeting me was a gentleman with what I can only call the weirdest shaped head I've ever seen. I know, I really shouldn't say anything if I can't say something nice, but I seriously expected Cher to pop up behind him at any moment and start belting out "Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves." Soon enough, Eric Stoltz's doppelganger had my $4.99, and I had this little beauty in my hot hands.
The Reveal
According to Adam Carolla, this "everything-in-a-box" concept is a new item for Taco Bell geared towards the fellas. It contains a Bacon Club Chalupa, a Crunchy Taco, a Bean Burrito, Cinnamon Twists, and a large cup of ice. So what's the big damn deal? Nothing really, but men love boxes (winkwinknudgenudgesaynomore) and I hope the concept catches on elsewhere.
My god, I haven't seen a box stuffed that full since my last viewing of the Pam and Tommy video. And, at only five bucks, this could be exactly what Sally Struthers needs to feed all those starving African kids with the big, swollen bellies. I doubt it would help keep the flies off them, though.
The Mastication
First off was the Bacon Club Chalupa, because I fucking love bacon. And this damn near ruined it for me. The flavor was overwhelmingly that of artificial smoke with just a hint of awful. Chug a handfull of bacos and you'll experience the full effect. I'd rather eat a bag of hickory-smoked assholes than this thing again.
A Bean Burrito was the last thing I ever thought anyone could screw up. I was wrong. So very, very wrong. The beans had separated in the tortilla like that ancient jar of Xtra-Chunky Jif I still need to throw out. This made the burrito do an impression of an Olestra eater's lower tract, leaking oily evilness all over my hands and everywhere. If I had been wearing pants they would be ruined.
Just look at this sad little Crunchy Taco. As ill-prepared as the French military, this item really failed to live up to its description. The haphazard application of fillings left the shell soggy and weaker than a vending machine condom, collapsing the structure on my second bite and spilling the contents everywhere. It was almost as if the taco had committed Seppuku right there in my hands, knowing how it had disgraced its taco ancestors.
Oddly enough, the Cinnamon Twists weren't notable in any way. I didn't even bother taking a picture of them. If pressed, I'd say they're not really what I'd call good, but on the other hand not really bad either. Very middle of the road. Sort of like the fast food equivalent of Steve Guttenberg's career.
Overall Impressions
I got exactly what I expected for $4.99. Minor heartburn and a strange grease stain on my shirt that resembled Abe Vigoda. I hope to sell it on eBay and recoup my losses on this venture. I also noticed my camera sucks ass, but that's extraneous.
I give the Taco Bell Big Bell Box Meal:
5/10 flushes
SnakePlissken has no prints for sale in his journal blog.
Plissken's Shit Food Review: KFC Famous Bowls
The Colonel and I have had very differing ideas on what fried chicken should be for quite some time now. I think it should be hot, fresh, and tasty. He thinks it should resemble a grease-filled water balloon breaded with wallpaper paste. Thus, the Colonel and I see each other as often as Amy Winehouse sees Betty Ford. But, after a little prodding from the more drunken members of SGPDX and some inspiration from Patton Oswalt, I decided to give the KFC Mashed Potato Famous Bowl a whirl. What's the worst that could happen?
First Impressions
"Five ninety-nine" said the man-child drive-thru worker, his voice cracking and pitching. I pretended not to notice in hopes he wouldn't spit in my food, as, judging from his robust aroma, he was a Marlboro Red man capable of producing astounding quantities of sputum at the drop of a hat. Moments later, the phlegm-free hand-off was made and my car was filled with a slightly disturbing aroma akin to old canned vegetables and my Grandma. She's been dead since '98.
The Reveal
Remember that show Let's Make A Deal? You know the look the contestants had on their face when they traded their Popeil Pocket Fisherman for what was behind door number three and it ended up being a fucking donkey in a dress or a lifetime supply of Lutefisk? Well that was the look on my face when I saw this.
I wish they would have cracked an egg in it to keep my coat shiny and manageable. Maybe that's being a bit harsh, but it does look a bit like the commercials I've seen for premium dog foods. I hope this doesn't lead to me dragging my ass on the carpet.
The Mastication
It came with a spork!
Which, as it turns out, is the high point. I like all the things that went into this. I like chicken, corn, gravy, cheese, and mashed potatoes. But, packed together like a raftload of Haitian refugees, it just didn't work for me. It was absolutely flavorless despite its multitude of components. A perfect example of more is less. It doesn't even burp good, and now I smell like a dumpster at Hometown Buffet.
Overall Impressions
How can something so bland give me such terrible heartburn? Ugh. Will I ever eat this again? Sure, if I had just polished off a box or five of wine, or I was getting hazed into some sort of fraternal order, I might be up for it, but at noon? And dead sober? Never again.
I give the KFC Mashed Potato Famous Bowl
3/10 flushes
SnakePlissken thinks forty cents for an extra honey mustard packet is fucked.
Please Stop Me From Putting Fries In My Tummy
It has come to this. On September 18th, the Los Angeles city council will vote on whether or not to create a two-year moratorium on new fast food restaurants. Yes, our government is slapping the hamburgers out of our fat, greasy hands because we cannot control ourselves. If passed, Los Angeles would become the first city in the country to adopt a health-zoning law in the US.
"Fast food is primarily the only option for those who live and work here," says City Councilwoman Jan Perry. "It's become a public-health issue that residents be given healthier choices."
Yeah, thats it. People are fat because the bad food is accessible, not because they want to eat it all the time. Its not because they enjoy the taste of greasy French fries over salad, but rather because they just cant find anything else to eat. Obviously, if we just stop companies from building new fast food franchises, then people will be healthy. It is so simple! And so retarded!
"Limiting fast food could be a practical solution if it starts to address the imbalance of too many outlets with food that is not nutritious," says Mark Vallianatos, director of the Center for Food and Justice at Occidental College in Los Angeles.
Yeah, totally. Legislate the problem away. Super way to address the imbalance. Totally worked with prohibition. Oh, and what the fuck is a Center for Food and Justice? Also, what are you doing with your life, Mr. Food Justice?
But the pro-fast food moratorium peeps are "helping society."
"The side effect of a constant diet of fast food is that society pays in the long run in medical costs.
Great argument. How about I dont make a list of things that are bad for us that we could legislate against? I dont have the time, the space on the website and I am not a moron.
The targeted neighborhood is South Central LA. Forty-six percent of all restaurants in the district are fast-food chains. On the west side of LA, only twelve percent of restaurants are fast food chains. Huh, I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that fast food is cheaper than regular restaurants? People in South Central do not make the crazy money that people on the west side of LA do. Also, poor people often do not have the same amount of free time to eat that rich people do. But please ignore these facts, so you can think you are helping people.
Perry and her supporters acknowledge that health zoning raises some questions: Will other healthier restaurants move into the region if new fast-food outlets are prohibited? Can the city government aid that transition? Will residents frequent restaurants with healthier options?
No. Better not. No. That was easy.
"If a particular community wants to kick out certain kinds of food, that is one thing. For outsiders to do it is patronizing and demeaning," says USC professor Barry Glassner.
Really? Its weird to legislate how black people should eat? I never would have guessed.
Id be okay with the government spending money to educate how people should eat and to create anti-fast food ads similar to the anti-smoking ads that are now prevalent. Obesity is a serious problem and it does tax our healthcare system, but slapping the butter out of fattys hand is not the answer.
Juicy Yumburger
Finally, a restaurant review I can use. Everyday for the last several months on my drive to work, Ive driven past my second** favorite shop sign in all of LA: "Jollibee" home of the Juicy Yumburger on Beverly near Vermont.
Photo Location
We giggled. We made up dirty jokes featuring the Juicy Yumburger. We were intrigued. We came close, but we didnt quite dare order one. Thankfully Spencer Cross was brave enough to do it for us:
The Yumburger was pretty straightforward. It was big and gooey with American cheese and some kind of mayo sauce. The patty was a little bit strange. It's almost got the texture and flavor of a meatball. But otherwise, everything was pretty standard.
Jollibee, based in the Philippines, is a fast food restaurant serving burgers, chicken and pasta. Other menu items bear names such as Chickenjoy and Jolly Crispy Fries. There are also dishes with Filipino flair: Palabok Fiesta, Shanghai Rolls, and Banana Langka Pie.
Mr. Cross gives the Jolly Crispy Fries and Banana Langka Pie favorable reviews. (hat tip: 5000! Spencer Cross)
**My Favorite LA Shop Signs:
3. Bohemia Café on 6th and Alexandria has a wooden sign just inside the door: Where Friends Art and Angst Meet.
2. Jollibee home of the Juicy Yumburger, of course.
1. You Are My King Liquor on Olympic and San Vincente. The genius is, whether by accident or design, the word liquor, diagonal across the sign, doesnt fit. And on both the east and west sides of the sign the R dangles by an electrical cord in the lower right-hand corner.
5000! Spencer Cross