Will the Republican crying ever stop? It is pathetic to still have to listen to some Republican child whining about the perceived positive media treatment of Obama. It’s absolutely hysterical when you look at the facts. McCain was the media’s boy. They practically gave him rimjobs for months, until he turned into an incapable, angry old piece of shit. Then the media actually did its job. And the right wing douchebags can’t handle it.

The most amazing thing about this incessant bitching is how Bush was treated for the past eight years. As the nation's most shockingly pathetic president, Bush was hardly touched by the press for years. The man is a fucking war criminal and he was constantly given the kid glove treatment by the press. He should have been raped. By words. Seriously. The man should have been raped by words. I don’t know how that works technically, but it should have happened. Every single day.

But let’s move beyond the blatant hypocrisy and look at the actual facts. Before McCain went insanely negative and decided to lie his way to the White House, the press loved him so much they would have cleaned his dirty balls with their tongues. They were his base, according to Chris Matthews.

Aw. That’s nice. Overall, Obama received very fair media coverage.

Hmm. Not so bad, right? Sort of. Turns out the media were more negative toward Obama and positive toward McCain at the beginning, and then it turned. Maybe it started out well because of the McCain media barbeque.

Yeah, that’s some quality journalism. If Obama had held a barbeque for the media, America would have shit pure bile. But nobody said a word about Grandpa McCain grilling up some meat for the media. As a matter of fact, they loved it.

Did he tickle you on the couch?

Must have been awesome. I’m surprised they didn’t start spooning McCain to sleep at night. A flurry of positive McCain stories followed; sometimes reporters slid into a weird man love situation.

Um. Do you guys need me to leave?

Meanwhile, Obama was getting the brunt of repeated negative attacks. His trip to Europe was too much. The media feasted on his connection to Reverend Wright for months. His connection to criminal Rezko was picked through obsessively. One of his consultant’s comments on NAFTA was falsely twisted and blown out of proportion, causing him to lose big in Ohio during the primaries. His lack of flag pin wearing was talked about incessantly. Oh, and was he patriotic? Hmm, better ask the people.

And the wife was not off limits. Michelle made a gaff during a speech about whether or not she was proud to be an American and the media went apeshit. And occasionally she was called a bitch.

She must be a black militant, I mean, she went to Harvard.

The truth of what happened is that the media followed the polls.

The little baby Republicans are just upset because they don’t remember what it’s like to be on the other side. McCain dug his own grave by running the most heinous campaign I’ve ever seen. Lies, racism, more lies and focusing on bullshit points when America was on fire led to his negative media coverage. He dug his own grave. The media coverage was a reflection of the worst run campaign since the mighty Rudy Giuliani.

And the negative coverage wasn’t gone. It ebbed and flowed, like the mind of John McCain.



That big dip before the 2nd debate was when the media was bringing up the Ayers nonsense over and over. It didn’t stick, mostly because our country was in the middle of dying and people didn’t give a shit about some “terrorist” not convicted of anything 30 years ago. What they did care about was the shockingly pathetic choice of Sarah Palin, McCain’s insanely retarded choices during the beginning of the economic meltdown and his angry persona during the debates. Turns out making stupid decisions and being an asshole doesn’t lead to positive stories. While McCain was melting down and making mistakes left and right, Obama was running a smooth and smart campaign, giving the media nothing to attack.

Then McCain began began attacking the media because he was so used to being their lover. No longer were the media editing out footage of John McCain not knowing the difference between Sunnis and Shiites, as CBS had done two months earlier. Now the media were doing their jobs.

And the ensuing election result went as expected. But the right wing and other idiots can’t help but try to rewrite history. Yesterday, Time magazine’s Mark Halperin opened his dumbhole and let loose.

Oh. Let’s have an example, shall we?

Oh, shit. The story really didn’t talk about her awesome mothering skills Who says that without then pulling a hammer out of a bag and hitting himself in the head?

Huh. None of that black militant stuff? This would be due to the fact that they couldn’t find anything. And because the media and the public weren’t biting on the usual bullshit stories. Now, let’s take a look at some ideas Halperin had for McCain early in the campaign. From a list of what McCain should do to beat Obama:

That’s the guy who thinks the positive media treatment of Obama was disgusting. He’s basically Mr. Crybaby Shit Pants. The media didn’t destroy Obama using fucked up and bullshit attacks, so they didn’t do their job. The media didn’t sink to the lows they usually go to, because the nation is literally in peril and the consequences of focusing on issues that don’t matter could be huge. This election was not treated like a game, as it usually is and McCain suffered because of it. In years passed his “the fundamentals of the economy are strong” comment would have been ignored in favor of talk about Ayers. McCain was nothing short of an angry idiot during this campaign and the coverage was a refection of reality. He was a shit candidate and he got the coverage he deserved. Obama was an amazing candidate and he got the coverage he deserved. Get over it you immense babies.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

It's a whole new world –– I'd say "thank God" if I believed in him –– but instead I'll thank a higher power: those who braved the long lines and voted!

Thank you! (I'm sure the rest of the world thanks you too!)

It's a great night for democracy, an even better night for Obama, and an overwhelming referendum for reason.

This is what will occur today. There will be no deviating from this prediction. I am NostradaReaper.

In order of when the states are called:

Kentucky goes first to McCain.
New Hampshire and Vermont go to Obama.
South Carolina goes to McCain.

The first hammer drops: Virginia goes to Obama.

Everyone is freaking out because Indiana is still too close to call. Someone at Fox News goes out for a bottle of scotch.

Hammer #2: Florida goes to Obama.

Election is declared over for McCain by the pundits at 8:30 pm.

Georgia and West Virginia go to McCain.
Hammer #3: Ohio goes to Obama.

Nobody notices the total absence of Ann Coulter on the news anymore.

Alabama, Kansas, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Texas and Tennessee go to McCain.

Many Christians think Jesus is turning this shit around. They are wrong – but what else is new?

Connecticut, Delaware, DC, Illinois, all of Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, New Jersey and Pennsylvania go to Obama.

It’s so over. Obama cracks a beer. So do his daughters.

Then come the surprises.

North Carolina, Indiana and North Dakota go to Obama. Pundits are talking Reagan. A couple think, “He’s the black Reagan,” but nobody says it out loud.

Arkansas goes to McCain. No one really notices.

Lou Dobbs brings up Obama’s illegal immigrant aunt.

Louisiana, Nebraska, South Dakota and Wyoming are immediately called for McCain. But, wait, there’s a surprise. Obama picks up one electoral vote out of Nebraska. It’s the most talked about electoral vote in the history of electoral votes. Chris Mathews shits his pants, bursts a blood vessel in his eyes and starts bleeding from his belly button.

Colorado is a disaster. Lawsuits are filed to keep polls open. Angry Obama supporters who were removed from voter rolls are gathering in the streets. Riot police are called in.

New York, Rhode Island, Wisconsin, Minnesota and New Mexico are called for Obama. It’s a rout. Someone says, “Booooyaa.”

Missouri too close to call. No one cares. They can’t believe what has happened.

Arizona is too close to call. OH MY GOD. Pundits freaking out. McCain might lose his home state.

Iowa and Nevada are called for Obama.

Idaho and Utah are called permanently for white Republicans. They will no longer vote in elections and will always be considered a "gimme."

California, Hawaii, Oregon, Montana and Washington are called for Obama. A white guy in Florida shoots his black neighbor.

It’s officially over. The Colorado almost riot turns to a party.

Rush Limbaugh takes another Viagra. He's going to fuck the pain away.

Arizona goes to McCain. No one is paying attention.

Alaska, Missouri and Colorado aren’t coming in until late in the morning, but nobody cares. Still, they can’t believe how close Alaska is.

Sarah Palin makes the most horrifying speech in the history of politics.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

I know. It’s shocking. But, I keep hearing it. The guy can still lose this thing, even though when you look at the electoral map, he is kicking the shit out of Old School. Even though he is gaining in Bush red states like Ohio, Florida, Colorado and Nevada. Even though he has an insurmountable lead in the McCain must win state of Pennsylvania. He can still lose.

Here are reasons you should be scared.

THE BRADLEY EFFECT

Oh my God. So fucking scary.

The Bradley Effect is named after Los Angeles Mayor Tom Bradley. It is the reason Bradley lost two elections. Apparently, people will tell pollsters they are undecided or voting for the black guy, but when they get into the voting booth they vote for the white guy. It’s a disturbing thing to think about. And you should be very, very afraid, according to the general election pollster for the guy who defeated Tom Bradley.

Scary stuff. There's always a dark, shadowy situation when dealing with black people.

So, definitely watch out for that. Honestly, I don’t know how Obama overcomes something as mythical as Bigfoot.

OCTO...er..NOVEMBER SURPRISE

Oh noes! It will just take one crazy surprise and this fucker is over. For instance, terrorists could blow something up, like a truck or a shovel. Then everybody will switch over to the guy who has seemed erratic and unstable during EVERY SINGLE CRISIS since the election race began. Look, when terrorists strike, people always say to themselves, “I want a very old guy who is nuts and angry, with a unknowledgeable lady idiot backing him up, to handle this shit.” It’s just how things go. So, when terrorists blow up a hat, you can turn out the lights for Obama.

VOTER FRAUD

So many close states ripe for Republican thievery. They’re going to steal it in every one! Obama has to be up by at least 6 points to win!

Look, it’s really, really easy to steal an election by stealing it in 14 or so states. That’s why the Republicans focused their stealing energy on one state in 2000 (Florida) and one state in 2004 (Ohio). Thievery works best when you do it on a massive and blatant scale.

CLOSE, CLOSE RACES

This is terrifying! We’ve been here before, haven’t we? Obama is barely ahead in sooo many states.

- Virginia: Obama up 51 percent to 47 percent.
- Colorado: Obama up 50 percent to 46 percent.
- Missouri: McCain up 48 percent to 47 percent.
- Ohio: Obama up 49 percent to 45 percent.
- North Carolina: McCain up 49 percent to 48 percent.
- Florida: Obama up 51 percent to 47 percent.
- New Hampshire: Obama up 50 percent to 46 percent.

I almost just shit myself writing that. Obviously if it’s close, McCain will win every one of those states – which is what he has to do to win. And Bush won most of those states, so even though Obama is surging in them, McCain will win then. Obama is doomed!

COMPLACENCY

AHHHHHHHH! Why aren’t people going to fucking vote! After 8 years of the most dreadful president in the history of the US, facing an economic disaster, a housing crisis, a costly failure of a war, the first black Democratic nominee and a massive increase in Democratic registrations and people are going to be complacent because they think Obama has it in the bag. What the fuck?

Fucking complacency. Obama is fucked.

Oh, and there are more reasons. Obama will probably say something stupid these last four days. Like, “Where the white women at?” Or Jesus will return, point at McCain and say, “Now that guy is the shit!” Or, Biden could take a kitten up on stage and rips its head off with his bare hands, drink the blood and then fornicate with the torso. Or Sarah Palin could….uh….uh…wait. Maybe this is over.

Maybe this late in the race everyone should step back and take a look at the big picture. A black man, with a Muslim sounding name, who has only been in the Senate for two years, who is a Democrat, who believes in many liberal policies, who was opposed to the Iraq War from the beginning and who did cocaine in his younger years, is ahead in all the polls. That doesn’t happen to a guy who is going to lose. It shows the quality he brings.

Two years ago, if you had told me a guy with all that baggage would be ahead at time I would have laughed at you. People have chosen. A massive victory will occur on Tuesday. Massive.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters. Come see him at the San Jose Improv this Saturday and Sunday.

Now that we are getting down to the final days of the campaign, it’s time to take a look at how Republicans will steal this election. Bush stole the 2000 election by purging voters from voter rolls in Florida. Tens of thousands of mostly black “felons” were removed from the voter rolls by Kathleen Harris and Bush won by a tiny number of votes. Then in 2004, the election was stolen in Ohio via several insane tactics, like removing the press from a building where votes where being counted due to “national security reasons.” Election officials in Ohio have been convicted of charges related to their handling of the recount. You’d have to be a fucking moron not to believe the election was stolen in that state in 2004.

So, now here we are, facing another theft as Republicans do everything they can to prevent Americans from voting. One of the big attempts to stop people from voting in Ohio was thwarted by the Supreme Court last week.

Republicans were attempting to force the Secretary of State of verify new registration cards of 200,000 voters. There simply wasn’t enough time to do so and it would have disqualified many voters for things like spelling errors. Remember Joe the plumber? His name on the registration rolls has an “o” where a “u” should be, which would mean he would not be able to vote if the Republicans got their way –– all because some election worker couldn’t read his writing. Because the vast majority of new voters are registering as Democrats, this would have had a big negative effect on Obama voters.

Nine million new voters have registered for this election. Those are the people the GOP is targeting. The ridiculous ACORN charges, which CNN said, “looks like a fraud perpetrated on ACORN, not by ACORN,” , are just a way of gumming up the works. In some states, voters can be challenged at the polls, causing delays for other voters and forcing the challenged voter to cast a provisional ballot. Provisional ballots are not treated in the same way; many are left uncounted, being tossed out for technical reasons and because of lawsuits. This is the main crux of the Republican attack: People will impersonate voters and vote illegally.

So, it's a lie, plain and simple. But reality won’t stop Republicans. They are filing lawsuits and investigating wherever they can, regardless of the facts.

Ooooo, a “variety of sources.” Well, then by all means, intimidate and disenfranchise voters. And don’t just do it in one part of Ohio, or it wouldn’t look like a planned effort.

And be sure to use the same excuse.

Ooooo, “telephone calls from concerned people.” Oh noes! I wonder who they are?

These are classic Republican tactics. They won’t actually steal the votes, they will do everything they can to prevent people from voting in the first place. The people they are targeting are mostly blacks and college students.

It is happening everywhere. Whatever they can do to stop people from voting.

And the focus seems to be on certain states. You’re not going to believe this, but they are the important ones.

The reason this is “a new trend” is because of the Help America Vote Act of 2002. The law gave money to states to update the voting equipment and centralize their voter databases. Republicans are now using the centralizing of information to purge voters. If the name on your registration card does not match the name on your drivers license or Social Security number, you are tossed. So, people could be losing their right to vote because of a clerical error. Pretty great, huh?

The GOP is throwing every thing against the wall and seeing what sticks.

Thank God Republicans are looking out for fraud, or else some guy might vote when he shouldn’t –– and tens of thousands won’t be able to vote at all.

If we're talking about voter fraud, we are obligated to look at Florida.

That’s all great, because the Social Security Administration’s record for matching voter registrations is stellar.

And you’re not going to believe this, but the Florida Secretary of State is a Republican. Shocking, I know. Of course, it’s not as shocking as Republicans admitting they want to stop people who lost their homes from voting.

Across the country, early voters are already experiencing long lines.

Can’t wait to see how things zip along on election day, especially in areas with high African American populations and college voters. It is so blatant and obvious that when Republican Congressman Tom Davis was asked about it, he said the GOP would never engage in voter suppression –– as a joke.



Hee hee. We’re undermining democracy.

The attacks on ACORN are simply intended to create chaos at the polls on Election Day, in order to delay and discourage voters and lay the seeds for accusations of theft if Obama actually is able to overcome the current deficit he finds himself in. At least, that’s what the McCain camp
is saying.

Even though the right wing screams and loses their Borg-like mind over ACORN, the only person who has actually been arrested for voter fraud this year is a Republican.

Yesterday police arrested Mark Jacoby, the owner of Young Political Majors, a firm hired by Republicans to register voters. He is facing felony charges of voter registration fraud and perjury. Oh, and unlike ACORN, it’s a company actually committing voter fraud in different states

Doesn’t sound too bad, does it? People can still vote, right? Well, it actually is an effective tactic.

Unlike ACORN, this GOP voter fraud is actually serious.

I’m sure the right wing blather machine will jump all over this story. If you want to know what this scumbag has been up to, I suggest reading BradBlog.

Republicans are working hard to steal this election, while keeping Democrats on defense with the ACORN allegations. One only needs to look at Colorado to see what is going on. The state has significantly increased its population since 2004, but there are 100,000 fewer voters registered. Greg Palast believes the suppression tactics have led to 2.7 million registration being tossed out.

Republicans are doing everything they can to steal another one. If they succeed, expect them to point at two excuses. One is complacency, which was recently handed to them on a silver platter by Obama and other Democrats. The other is the “Bradley Effect,” a mythical election theory, which assumes voters tell pollsters they will vote for a black man, but when they are in the booth they can’t bring themselves to do it. It is named after former Los Angeles Mayor Tom Bradley and assumes he lost his two races for governor because of this theory. The Bradley Effect is a complete load of bullshit. It never happened.

But none of that matters. Republicans have the script, with the reasons why Obama suddenly lost, even though polls expected a crushing victory. If they do, Democracy in America is officially dead.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Well, I cannot believe we have survived this far with all of the Asshole Fuckfacery going on. This week, I get to focus on something that has been pointed out in many roundups over the past few months: Republican racism rearing its ugly head more and more as the campaign goes on. Now that Obama has a very high chance of winning the election, the Asshole Fuckface racists are coming out of the woodwork. And much of it is the fault of Asshole Fuckfaces Sarah Palin, John McCain and the scum over at Faux News. Their constant and baseless attacks on ACORN and their blaming the financial meltdown on “minorities” set the stage. Next up came the continuous comments claiming we “don’t know who Obama is.” (Mysterious black man.) And finally, they wrapped it in a bow by stating Obama is “palling around with terrorists.” (Not an activity that white people would indulge in.)

Then the Asshole Fuckface hysteria began to blow up. First, the delightful racism of Bobby May, McCain’s campaign representative in Buchanan County, Virginia. Bobby wrote a column in the local paper. It’s supposed to be a parody. And I’m only highlighting the racist stuff.

Ha ha. Hilarious! Don’t you get it? Obama is BLACK. Hello? All black people act the same and love graffiti.

But Asshole Fuckface racism is not just rampant in the United States of America. England is jumping on board, too.

Dube Egwuatu, a Nigerian immigrant, was buying a cell phone card in a small store, while wearing an Obama T-shirt. Obviously, that is too much for racists. He was confronted by – you’re not going to believe this – a “shaven-headed white man.”

You should probably move to a place where there aren’t any, then. Like Antarctica. Or, Asshole Fuckface Island.

Whitey McAnger then left the store and waited outside. When Dube left the store, he was confronted again.

He moved quickly to his car, but Whitey Asshole Fuckface followed and shot him three times with a pellet gun.

Good times. And we are so not done.

Next up, some good old southern Asshole Fuckface racism.

Wade Williams, 75, from Monroe, Louisiana can’t believe what is happening. A black man is about to become president of the United States and he wants to vote. NOW! When Wade called to inquire why he had not received his voter registration card yet, he was told it would arrive in two weeks. He was also told he could still vote by showing his ID. Not good enough.

Oh, um, that’s not how voting works.

Wade has been charged with terrorizing and being shockingly stupid. Tip for Wade: Take a few downers on November 4th because it’s going to be a bummer.

Finally, there’s a special Asshole Fuckface selection for those who combine teaching and racism.

Greg Howard is a 7th grade teacher in Florida. Already, you can probably see there is going to be a problem. He was teaching the kids about the current election campaign, when he wrote CHANGE on the board. Anyone know what that stands for? Howard wrote it on the board.

Huh. I haven’t seen that on Obama’s literature. Are you sure?

Maybe writing is not the best way to go in this situation. Oh, and thanks for not firing him. I mean, it wasn’t like he did something horrible, right?

That’s because you are worse than he is, Mr. Asshole Fuckface. I'm sure there are no black people in the Adult Education Program.

And finally, the wonderful Christians going to watch their fellow Christian Sarah Palin speak are having problems controlling themselves. Asshole Fuckface Palin has decided it is a good idea to talk shit about the media during her speeches. One problem with this is that the media are all over the arena and some of them are black.

I’m not sure why our media refuses to say what the “racial epithet” was. Maybe it would do great damage to the Christian queen’s image as the angel from the North.

Congrats to all of this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces. Expect this to get worse as we get closer to Election Day and it becomes more and more apparent to the racists that a black man will be in the White House. And expect some sort of violence at some point before November 4th.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

One in ten people in America are silently screaming right now. They’re surrounded by election fever but cannot vote for our next president. They care about our country –– passionately enough to leave their own behind –– but are frozen out of the electoral process.

Aliensvote.net is giving this massive minority a voice. It’s a site where the estimated 29.1 million aliens residing in America can cast a vote. Their votes won’t count in the election, but at least their wishes can be heard. After all, they pay taxes, have homes, businesses, children, and futures here, and contribute to our society in a myriad of ways.

The site’s not been live long, and will remain up until Election Day, but so far, of those who have shared their opinions, 97% are between the ages of 21 and 40, 54% have been in the country between 4 and 11 years, 27% have children here and 31% own homes.

The choices Americans make in November will be felt around the globe, so another site, IfTheWorldCouldVote.com, is giving the rest of the world a chance to select their presidential choice. Of the 167,617 people from 187 countries that have voted so far, 87.3% picked Obama.

Seems like the choice for next president is a no-brainer for the rest of the world –– what puzzles most of the planet is why the poll numbers are so close here at home. Answers on a postcard please, or in the comments section below.

The first of one vice presidential debates will be held tonight in Saint Louis, Missouri. Most expect it to be a spectacular failure of the candidate they don’t like. The right wing has convinced itself that Joe Biden is a terrible debater and the left have convinced themselves that Sarah Palin is an idiot. While Palin is obviously an idiot, she has managed to harness her idiocy and use it as a positive in previous debates. And Joe likey to talky.

First I will start with Biden. The knock on Biden is he talks too much and is too "spontaneous."

That’s an example the press has chosen to show Biden at his worst. Please don’t pay attention to the fact that everything he said is true. Biden knows his shit, more than almost any other Senator. He’s been around for a long time, debated hundreds of times and will probably produce a sound bite. Here’s the biggest problem with the “Biden talks too much” criticism. Where did he talk too much? In presidential debates with several other candidates onstage. The point was to stand out from the herd, using your personality and your smarts. It’s completely different than this debate. He’s not trying to stand out, just be better than Palin. All he has to do is stick to the facts and appear presidential. Not hard.

There is fear he will come across as a dick against Palin. He has been practicing against Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm, who has a vagina. But this debate is not constructed so that the candidates can speak to each other. They are very restricted by time and will speak to the moderator. Oh, and Obama and Biden are ahead. He has no incentive to be a dick. You know when people are dicks? When they are behind. Just take a look at last week’s McCain Obama debate. McCain spent the entire time attacking and he suffered because of it. Expect the same out of Palin, not Biden.

That’s one of the reasons Biden will win this debate. Palin has to attack and that’s very bad news for her. People don't want attacks, they want information. She is in the worst possible position. She doesn’t offer up specifics in a time when people are craving specifics. Her rise in Alaskan politics came during a time when all was well. Nobody was freaking out about the economy and foreign policy does not matter in governor’s races. Take a look at what one of her recent opponents said:

Well, that’s not true. Her greatest skill has already been taken away from her. Over the past month, she has had a couple of interviews that have shown a spotlight on her inability to be specific and produce facts. This is now considered to be her greatest weakness, but at the same time considered to be her best debating skill. She'll do it, and it will be mocked endlessly until the next McCain Obama debate. Good luck with that.

Very much so, dummy. That’s the last thing people in the US are looking for right now. The big knock on both McCain and Obama from last weeks’ debate was that they did not offer enough specifics on the economic meltdown. Now she is going to offer up an entire debate of fluff. Her base will love it. The rest of America will grow more concerned at her lack of substance.

The big difference between her run for governor and her run for vice president is that the media and everyone else is looking for her to produce nothing. The sharks are in the water, smelling blood and that blood is the vacant words that come from Palin’s mouth. I would expect a few follow-ups by Gwen Ifill, attempting to get Palin to be more specific, but she will continue to dodge. Against the specifics of Biden, she will look vacant and, worst of all, like a female George Bush.

And that brings me to Sir Alex Ferguson, manager of Manchester United Football Club. Ferguson is the master of getting into other manager’s heads and the referees, as well. Just last week, when the Red Devils were preparing to play the Bolton Wanderers, Ferguson said a particular Bolton player deserved his reputation as the dirtiest player in the Premier League. This does two things: It gets inside the players head and effects his normal play on the field and it gets inside the referees head, unconsciously making him scrutinize the player more. The conservatives are doing that with the moderator as I write.

Ifill has a book coming out called, The Breakthrough: Politics and Race in the Age of Obama. The right wing is claiming she is biased and should not be moderating the debate.



Wow, that’s really biased, huh? It’s called straight up journalism and the right wing wouldn’t know it if it crawled into their ass and opened a Starbucks. Turns out one can write a book about the rise of a new type of minority politician and not have it be an endorsement of a candidate. The right wing minions are falling for it and are frothing at the mouth.

This isn’t about the truth; it’s about setting the playing field. It's straight out of the Ferguson playbook. Ifill will be affected by the attacks, whether they are true or not. Her professionalism and impartiality is at stake and there is nothing more important to a quality journalist. So, I would not expect her to be as tough as she would have been three days ago. Chalk that up as a victory for the right wing.

I wouldn’t expect this debate to be a game changer. Palin will appeal to idiots with her non-answer answers. Biden will appeal to people with intelligence, who can handle a complex thought. This is a debate that will pull on people’s deepest instincts. Do you want someone smart to take care of you, or do you want someone warm and comforting?

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Ahead of tomorrow evening's vice presidential debate, some kind soul has just posted footage on YouTube of lamb-to-the-slaughter Sarah Palin doing the thing she does best: playing the flute.

Before you get too excited, she really is just playing the flute, and badly at that, but she still seems more competent at blowing hot air across the opening of a long hard instrument than anything else we've recently seen her do.

Looking forward to your comments below. Please, don't hold back.

Fine election season apparel for the kids.












Thanks to Phil Gough of Common Sense for the inspiration.

I have to say it is pure joy to watch Sarah Palin’s political career peak and turn to dust in a matter of weeks. It’s actually hard to believe just 27 days ago Sarah Palin stepped on stage at the Republican National Convention and tickled the GOP’s balls. Holy shit, were they excited. It was almost like Jesus had come back in hot housewife form. And to be honest, they should have been excited because they finally had someone on their ticket who was alive.

But those days are over. Sarah Palin was awesome when nobody knew anything about her, but now she is a horrifying prospect. The blame obviously lays at John McCain’s feet for not vetting her and allowing the Christian Right to force a pathetic VP on him. The lack of vetting led to a couple of amazing weeks of information.

First we learned she kills moose. That is, of course, awesome and would be really important if we were some sort of Donner Party stuck in the Alaskan wilderness. Unfortunately, we are a country and killing moose is tragically unimportant. We then learned many other things about Sarah.

She lied about saying “no, but no thanks” to Congress about the “Bridge to Nowhere.” She left the tiny city of Wasilla with an insanely large $22 million debt. She was raised in a gay hating, tongue speaking, witch-stopping church. She tried to ban books. She abused her power by firing town employees without reason. She attempted to have her ex-brother-in-law fired from his law enforcement position and then fired the guy who wouldn’t fire him. She is against abortion in cases of rape and incest. She was mayor when the police chief began charging rape victims for their rape kits. She lied about visiting Ireland. She did not own a passport until 2006. She did not leave the country until 2007. She thinks being near Russia makes her important. It's like an idiot buffet.

Then came the interviews. First Charlie Gibson.



It is generally believed reporters should not have to explain basic facts to vice presidential candidates. She came across as someone who did not know what she was talking about. Mostly because she did not know what she was talking about.

The next interview was with Katie Couric.



She’s gonna bring ‘em to ya!



Russia's right next to her state –– a mere 58 miles across a body of water.



It’s got to be all about job creation!

And she’s not even drunk, like George Bush. That’s just how her brain works. Of course, conservatives began to freak out once they really got a good look at how her brain works. David Brooks wrote...

And now they are beginning to push for her to leave the ticket. The Conservative columnist Kathleen Parker didn’t hold back.

The National Review’s Kathryn Jean Lopez doesn’t think it’s such a bad idea.

But it’s not going to happen. McCain has completely blown it. The election will be over Thursday night at 7:30 PST. At this point, both Biden and the moderator will try to catch Palin with a subject she doesn’t know about. Based on what we are seeing, it won’t be hard. The only way to get out of this mess is to replace Palin before Thursday, but that would also destroy McCain’s campaign, for three reasons.

* Destroys base morale.
* No obvious alternative.
* McCain has overplayed the “game-changer” card.

Welcome to the no-win Palin meltdown. Palin was like a Trojan horse with a thermo-nuclear device inside. McCain could have had a slim shot at the White House without her, but with her, he’s fucking toast.

And I'd like to personally thank Republicans for not choosing Romney, because if he had, Democrats would lose this election. With the current economic crisis, Romney would be talking circles around Obama.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Today is the final day for you to register to vote in many states. Don't be a punk.



Do it.

Did you think the presidential campaign had gotten ugly? Well, you were wrong. Forget McCain’s lie laced ads claiming Obama wants to teach kindergartners how to screw and accusing Obama of calling Sarah Palin a pig, the Swiftboaters are preparing their airwave assault and it will be beyond ugly.

We got a hint of the future during the Republican National Convention, when GOP hatchet man Roger Stone explained to TPM what he was going to do.



Roger Stone was one of the men responsible for the famous Willie Horton ad during the 1992 presidential campaign. And when he attacks, he attacks with everything.

So, that will be exciting. And he’s not alone. The Swiftboaters are back, this time with a brand new name, The American Issues Project. They’ve gathered a few million dollars and are now finishing up their ads. Very soon they will begin hitting the airwaves.

Here’s an example of their “issues and express advocacy.”



Man, if that isn't an important issue, I don't know what is. Especially for those Americans who are incredibly stupid.

Unfortunately for Democrats, they don’t have anyone ready to respond, because Obama foolishly asked the left’s 527 groups to step down after he won the nomination. He also told funders not to give money to groups like VoteVets, Planned Parenthood and MoveOn.org. But just a week ago, Obama realized what a tremendous mistake he had made and asked the 527s to get going again. With only 6 weeks to go, that is just stupid.

But some Democratic groups claim they are ready, like MoveOn.org.

I’ll believe it when I see it. So far, the Democratic groups are flailing.

A tidal wave of stupidity and hate is coming Obama’s way and the left does not seem to be prepared. The Obama campaign did fight the first American Issues Project with a coordinated campaign, putting pressure on station owners not to air the ad and fighting the group in court. But how long with that work? Small television stations make much of their money during political campaigns. That’s just too much money to pass on.

And we are within 60 days of the election, which is apparently the best time for evil.

The forces of darkness been gearing up for the last 60 campaign days for months now, with the help of some classic douchebags.

Has Obama ever dated a white woman? You’re about to find out.

Yes, I wrote that headline. Mostly because it’s true. In the most cynical Vice Presidential choice I have ever seen, McCain picked a woman, simply because she is a woman. In doing so, he overlooked many other conservative women who are far more qualified to be Vice President. McCain chose Sarah Palin because she’s attractive and she hates abortion. I honestly can’t think of another reason to select this walking disaster of a choice.

McCain is obviously going for the disgruntled Hillary voters. Picking Palin will possibly earn him precious few Hillary voters, while turning off millions of independents. Palin's inexperience is astounding, unless you count her awesome time in as city council member and mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. The town had a massive population of 7,738 people. She ran for governor in 2006 and won, mostly because Alaska is a backwards land full of idiots. Palin has been governor for less than two years – and now John McCain has selected her to be vice president of the United States. Considering McCain is so old he could die at any moment, this is a stunningly pathetic choice for vice president. Let’s just look at the past 36 hours.

It was discovered that Palin lied on Friday when she claimed to have opposed Alaska’s famous “bridge to nowhere.”

We also learned Palin was a member of an Alaskan secessionist group in the early '90s and apparently still thinks it’s a great idea to stay connected. Here she is addressing the Alaskan Independence Party's 2008 convention.



What does the Alaskan Independence Party want? The same things any crazy lunatic wants.

Oh, good. Worthwhile effort.

Also, Palin admitted yesterday that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant.

Yes, she will grow up faster than ever planned, especially because you just agreed to be John McCain’s running mate, putting your daughter and her pregnancy in the nation’s spotlight. You are a genuine and caring woman for putting your child in front of a bloodthirsty American media. Wonderful values you have there.

By all means, throw the kid to the sharks. That’s what a good Christian does. Ambition first, kids second. Oh, and this news probably won’t help the abstinence only cause.

And bestest of all, Sarah Palin just hired a lawyer because she is about to be deposed by a special investigator.

The special investigator’s report is due on October 31st. That makes some fantastic timing for the election. Genius move on McCain’s part. Even if it clears her, you can be sure someone will pull something out of the report that reflects poorly on Palin. That’s how it always goes.

More than anything, this is insulting to the women who supported Hillary Clinton. McCain actually believes women will vote for him, just because he picked someone with a vagina as his running mate, even though she has the opposite political views of Hillary on every issue.

How could a Hillary supporter not climb aboad that train?

Palin is also a religious fanatic who was selected by a "cabal" of other religious fanatics.

Yes, and she is just what Hillary supporters want in a female candidate.

FAIL.

McCain is treating women like they don't have brains and he will be punished because of it. He could have picked from a number of conservative women, who would have at least appeared to have earned the selection with their accomplishments. Women like, Kathryn Ann Bailey Hutchison, Susan Collins, Lisa Murkowski, Olympia Snowe, Christine Todd Whitman, M. Jodi Rell and Condoleezza Rice all would have made it appear as if McCain was not just looking for someone with a vagina. And nearly every one of those women are far less scandal-plagued. Up until this point I thought McCain would win the election, but I now think he will be crushed, which means I will owe Subrosa a six pack. That is very disappointing.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. You can read more of his nonsense and see a picture of Sarah Palin with her young child standing over a dead animal on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

You filthy mongrels may be surprised, but I believe Joe Biden was the best possible choice Barack Obama could have made. This is pretty simple reasoning, which is why it seems to be confusing so many Republicans. Besides Dick Cheney, who was given a spectacular amount of power by the testicle-less Bush, Vice Presidents really don’t do shit. Their most important function is to make the tie-breaking vote if the Senate is deadlocked. Other than that, not much. Sure, they go around the world, talking to people and have their own little agendas, but overall, pretty meaningless. They are just waiting for the big guy to die or for eight years to pass so they can run for president.

With that said, you may be wondering why I think Biden is an awesome choice. Well, here you go.



That's better than porn. The man’s tongue is a weapon to fear. Unleashing Biden on the campaign is like creating a non-stop, sound bite machine. He is concise, brutal and usually dead-on. You know how you always wish some politician would cut the shit and call somebody out on being a douchebag? Biden’s the guy who actually does that.



McCain is about to come face to face with an actual “straight talker,” which will contrast greatly with his time-worn mind, constant bullshit yammering and horrific speaking ability. Usually, candidates pick a knob who won’t upstage them in the talky department. Just take a look at Joe Lieberman, Al Gore and John Edwards. Yawn town. And totally ineffective on the campaign trail.

The amusing aspect of this choice is watching the Republicans get huge hard ons for all the “material” they have against Biden.

Wow, great call. Seriously, please do. Go at Fire Tongue with everything you’ve got and take the attention off Obama. Please divide the focus of your attacks and do it against the man who can wipe the shit-eating grin off your face with one comment. By the way Rush, you are a four-time divorced, millionaire drug addict who takes trips to Puerto Rico with bottles full of Viagra. Keep speaking for the common man, though. Maybe Paris Hilton can tell us what's up as well. Just thought I’d throw that in for no reason.

McCain is already running an ad in which Biden says he’d be honored to run against Grandpa McCain and compliments him. Genius. The tape is from 2004, setting up a Biden, “Well, he’s fallen off quite a bit in the past four years.” McCain is the candidate who has far to fall, as most people still don’t realize he is an old man, slowly losing his ability to think and constantly making embarrassing gaffs. Now, here comes an “old friend” who is going to make the case that McCain isn’t up to the job. And he’s going to make it well.

Only a fucking idiot would run an ad in which Fire Tongue praises McCain, because a severe verbal beat-down will follow. Severe. To have an ad with Biden praising McCain will create a false impression. People are now sitting around thinking, “Oh, Biden likes McCain.” They will then be surprised by the two months of verbal attacks McCain takes from his old buddy. It’s a dumb tactic. Now, using clips of Biden attacking Obama is smart, but you can be sure Biden can talk his way out of that.

So, what’s Biden’s voting record like? Who gives a shit. People vote for the top of the ticket. Sure, you can quote my “Fuck Joe Biden" article all you want. But that would make you one of the least understanding and dumbest motherfuckers on the planet, because those facts are all relevant for a man running for president. Guess what? Joe Biden is running for VICE PRESIDENT. See the difference? Guess who doesn’t set the agenda? He’ll have his own little projects, probably Amtrak, that he focuses on. Overall, he will have one function in the campaign -- to undermine John McCain. Who better than an old friend to do the job?

I’m sure Fire Tongue have an input on foreign policy too, because he is one of the most knowledgeable people in our country when it comes to foreign affairs. His deft ability to make complex foreign policy issues understandable will be devastating to watch during the vice presidential debate and whenever McCain opens his hate hole on the campaign trail. Oh, and he has a son going to Iraq. Someone on the ticket actually has a personal stake in the war. Imagine how that will go.

This is the best choice Obama could have made. By far.

You can read more of FearTheReaper's geniusing at his blog,
Stop All Monsters.

The big news during this primary season is not Barack Obama, but the shit kicking Republicans have taken in three Congressional districts. Illinois, Louisiana and Mississippi have given the GOP a glimpse of the future – and it is one ugly sight for the right wing. In each of these states, a Republican stronghold district was holding a special election because the GOP incumbent retired. And in each district, the Republicans lost to a Democrat. Losing in these areas would be like a Democrat losing in San Francisco. Expect a brutal bloodbath in November.

It’s the perfect storm. Republicans are stuck with the most unpopular president of all time, an unpopular war, a horrible economy and a fired up Democratic base. Many GOP lawmakers are retiring because their orgy days in Congress are over. So far, 30 Republicans lawmakers have retired or won’t seek re-election, compared to only 7 Democrats. Turns out the GOP suddenly found themselves unpopular with lobbyists and voters, alike.

Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert announced his retirement last year and his seat was up for grabs during the March 5th Illinois primary. Republicans spent a massive $1.2 million on a seat that they held for two decades. That amounted to 20% of the Republican Congressional Committee’s total cash on hand – and they were spending it in a district that hadn’t been competitive for decades. In 2004, Bush won the district 55%-44%. This is deep in Republican land.

Yet, local businessman and Democrat Bill Foster won the seat easily, with 53% of the vote. Not a good sign for John McCain, who campaigned and raised money for the Republican loser. And not a good sign for the GOP “Iraq is going super” mantra. Foster is strongly opposed to the war, while the Republican loser kept saying the surge was working. Not so much.

Next up on the Republican shame train was May 5th in Louisiana. Republican Richard Baker retired from Congress after 11 terms. The district he represented had been in GOP control for 33 years and, like Hastert’s seat, was largely a conservative and rural district. Serious Republican country – or it was, anyway.

Republicans also spent heavily in this Louisiana special election, dropping $1 million on radio and TV ads trying to link Democratic candidate Don Cazayoux to Barack Obama (black guy) and Nancy Pelosi (lady). FAIL. Cazayoux squeaked by with a 49% to 46% victory. That is an incredibly pathetic number for a Republican candidate in a conservative district, one that was actually redrawn in 2000 to make it even “more reliably Republican.” Richard Baker had won the previous 2 races with 72% and 83% and in 2004, Bush won with 59% of all votes. Now Republicans aren’t even hitting that all-important 50% number. Welcome to the world of grim.

Finally, on Tuesday night, Democrat Travis Childers easily beat his Republican opponent in a conservative Mississippi district. By “easily,” I mean 54% - 46%. That’s a fucking ridiculous number for a Democrat in a Republican stronghold and means a serious anal rape for the GOP come November.

This was as safe a seat as Republicans have. In 2004, the district voted for Bush by a margin of 62% to 37%. The GOP had a decent candidate named Greg Davis, who didn’t bring any baggage. Trent Lott, Mike Huckabee, Dick Cheney and Haley Barbour all showed up and campaigned with Davis. The Republican Congressional Committee spent $1.3 million, Davis spent over a million and Freedom Watch spent $500,000. And they went as pathetic as possible with their ads.



Black guy, black guy, lady! Oh, my God!

And yet, it resulted in a spectacular Republican FAIL. It is inconceivable that Republicans lost this seat and a harbinger of doom. The GOP can do nothing to stop the brutal devastation heading their way. Well, that’s not true, they can lube up and relax their sphincters. EVERY Republican seat is now officially in play. You will see them attack each other and even their God, George Bush. It only took 8 hours for a Republican House member to take a shot at El Presidente.

Tommy is the representative for the city of Babytown. Here’s a tip, Tommy: For the past eight years, when Bush was putting forth the most retarded policies of all time, you probably shouldn’t have been tickling his balls and taking his load into your mouth. When Americans turned against the war, you probably shouldn’t have done everything in your power to keep it going. When Bush put forth his insane tax cuts during a time of war, you probably shouldn’t have acted like they were the second coming of Jesus. You are spineless, deluded cunts and the suffering coming your way is of your own making.

And just in case you don't get it, here’s where you stand, you ignorant shit beast.

The public believes Democrats are better than Republicans on most important issues by massive margins.

On the economy, Democrats now have a 14-point advantage over the Republicans.

On Government Ethics and Corruption - 45% now trust Democrats, while just 26% prefer the GOP.

On National Security and the War on Terror, 49% of voters now trust the Democrats more, while 42% trust the Republicans more.

On Iraq, Democrats hold an 11-point lead over the Republicans.

Congressional Republicans can blame Bush all they want, but they are at fault spending the past eight years acting like NAMBLA on a boy fuck-trip to Bangkok. Without a care in the world, they plundered our country and indulged in the most selfish and unethical acts democratically elected officials could. They aren’t even a party anymore. The GOP is a just a brothel, created to service corporate cocks in their angry, wet holes. Let the suffering begin.

When candidates get desperate, they often go negative. Some go for the jugular and go dirty, while others apparently attempt to go negative and just end up looking pathetic. Hillary Clinton is running one of the saddest campaigns in recent memory. And by recent memory, I mean Rudy Giuliani.

For the first time in the race, Hillary has found herself on the back end of some serious ass kickings. Obama has rolled off eight, straight primary wins and looks to add to that total tonight, with Wisconsin and Hawaii. Hillary has adopted the Rudy template for failure by basically giving up those states and hoping for big victories in Texas and Ohio in March. At the same time, she is trying to go dirty on Obama and it’s fucking sad – oh, and if successful, it will tear the party apart.

The most distasteful aspect of the Clinton campaign is the “win at all costs” attitude. It’s great in a general election, but in a primary you just end up turning off millions of people you will need to vote for you in November. Examples of Clinton stupidity abound.

Yesterday, the co-chairman of Hillary’s Michigan campaign told Democrats in red states that they are completely useless.

“Oh. Thanks. That is very nice of you,” says HALF the country. And for those of you thinking it was just a guy in Michigan slipping up, I give you the man running the Clinton campaign.

Yes, it does. I mean, what kind of an asshole is popular in red states? What you want is someone who isn’t popular in red states, that way you can be sure to only win in blue states, like Kerry and Gore.

And while were on the subject of superdelegates, know that the Clinton campaign is listening to all the Democratic voters and party members who are concerned the situation could destroy party unity at the convention. The popular wisdom says that whoever wins the popular vote, should receive the majority of superdelagate votes, so voters don’t feel disenfranchised. Of course, the Hillary people could give a shit.

Oh, good. Thanks for putting to rest everyone’s fear that the candidate would be chosen by a bunch of party insiders in a smoke filled room and disenfranchise voters, you stupid assholes. What’s that? There is something worse that you can do to tear the party down the middle?

Right. The Michigan delegates should totally be counted, because not only was Obama not on the ballot, but also voters were not allowed to write in his name. Oh, and never mind that Hillary agreed that the votes would not count before primary season began. That’s just her word, why would we believe that?

Even Clinton supporters, people working hard on her behalf, are getting pissed off about the tactics.

She’s never going to listen, Bob. I mean, it's her fucking throne, not Obama's. And she is pulling out all the stops, calling for her friends to start a swiftboat campaign against Obama. Hillary’s people are reaching out to her rich supporters to make their own ads.

Oh, good, that always ends well. Many of these supporters believe Obama is too big of a pussy for the job and are impressed with Hillary’s fightin’ attitude.

And while you’re at it, why don’t you reach out to some neo-cons for some help, Hillary?

Yes, AIPAC. Just a lovely group of people who did everything they could to make sure the Iraq War happened. Pick a neo-con strategy in the Middle East and you can be sure AIPAC is doing what they can to make it happen. And now, they are giving money to the campaign of Hillary Clinton. Good news.

The heat is also rising on Obama’s dealings with a shady Chicago businessman named Tony Rezko. Hillary has been trying trying to get this scandal on the front page, with little success.

I have gotten a few emails from Clinton supporters about the Rezko land deal and it’s been popping up on pro-Clinton blogs and message boards. Sadly for them, this scandal appears to be nothing. It was investigated and there was no crime. Yesterday, the people who sold the home to Obama were finally interviewed.

But, I’m sure that’s not the last we’ve heard of that deal. Clinton will keep it alive and well, because having been on the other side of the bullshit Whitewater scandal, she is able to take the low moral ground and try to put a fellow Democrat through the same horseshit. Classy lady.

Another good way to forever alienate the supporters of your Democratic opponent – people you will need to vote for you in November – is to label them a cult. The Clinton machine started in on this two weeks ago.

Let's see, how would this work?

Good luck with that, dipshit.

So, what’s left? How about charging Obama with plagiarism?

Oooo. But what if the person who was plagiarized says it didn’t happen? Hillary’s campaign was accusing Obama of stealing a speech from Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick. Unfortunately for Clinton, Patrick and Obama are old allies who often share talking points.

Huh. Maybe before accusing someone of wrongdoing, you should check with the alleged victim to see whether or not you are going to look like an asshole. Also, check to see whether or not you are a pot calling a kettle black.

Oh, probably because Hillary has taken Obama’s campaign slogan and used it in a speech.



Could this woman get any more pathetic? I submit she could not. But, maybe her daughter could.

Holy fucking shit. Shut your mouth, you stupid asshole. I’m not clairvoyant, but I knew the Iraq War would be a disaster. You know why? Because I know how to read books. They are these things that have lots of ideas and words in them about stuff like tribes, religions and societies. Some people have actually written a few about Iraq. Crazy huh? Oh, and maybe Hillary should have actually read the National Intelligence Estimate about Iraq before voting for the fucking war.

Shut your pie hole, Chelsea. If you’re going to be pimped out, don’t embarrass the pimp.

This is pretty simple: The Democrats have about a month to get rid of Hillary Clinton, or they are never going to win in ’08.

As embarrassing as it is to be an American these days, with our pathetic political representation, disgraceful media and voter apathy, Wednesday night was an incredibly shameful display by CNN. The Republican YouTube debate started out like an episode of "America’s Funniest Videos" and didn’t get much better.

You might think it would be a good idea for presidential candidates to answer questions from the people who will be voting. The questions should be reflective of the issues that actually concern Americans and could potentially catch candidates more off guard than the typical reporter questions. Not when CNN picks them. In substance, they are the same type of typical reporter questions, but instead they are asked in incredibly undignified and retarded ways.

The ridiculousness kicked off with a montage of YouTube videos from the last debate: We saw an idiotic snowman, an alien, a graphic Richard Nixon ghost, little kids, a speaking Abe Lincoln photo, along with a speaking Ben Franklin bill, stuffed animals and real dogs that talk. And that was what we weren’t going to see! Ha ha ha. Wow, great start. Republicans are trying to figure out which candidate to pick and CNN is wasting time showing how they were complete assholes during the Democratic debate.

Then CNN played a video of some idiot from Washington who had written a song about the debate and tossed it up on YouTube. It was a shocking new low for a presidential debate. The song was high school-level, variety show bullshit and embarrassing to every man, woman and Ron Paul in that auditorium. But we got to watch the candidates awkwardly watch the idiot strum his guitar and sing for three minutes. You can tell a debate is not starting well when the host says.

Now, close your eyes and picture Walter Cronkite saying that. How'd that go? Not so good, huh?

Anderson Cooper then got things off and running. We got immediately into one of the issues Americans care least about. Immigration! The two first questions can easily be summed up:

The third immigration question was from a small business owner and quite smart. But, hey, that’s three immigration questions! More than any other topic, I guess because it’s fifth on the list of important issues. Awesome!

26% - The war in Iraq
16% - Health care
14% - Job creation and economic growth
13% - Terrorism
11% - Illegal immigration
8% - The environment and global warming
6% - Energy and the cost of gas
3% - Social issues such as abortion and gay marriage
1% - Other (vol.)

Sadly, only McCain and Huckabee came across as slightly human in their answers on immigration. The rest were idiots. Oh, and there were only two questions about Iraq. No questions about health care. No questions about job growth, the environment, energy, on and on.

Finally, we moved on to…the NAFTA Superhighway. You know, the thing that does not exist. Why not just ask a question about what the candidates would do if Mothra was attacked the US? The irresponsibility of CNN to allow shit like this on the air is astounding. The question was directed at Ron Paul who, of course, pretended like the NAFTA Superhighway is real. Wouldn’t want to freak out your psycho followers, would you Paul?

Then we had a couple of decent questions from two women. Nicely done. So, why not follow it up with a question from a cartoon Uncle Sam about eliminating income tax? Anyone notice these questions are aimed at adults running for the fucking White House? Why not a question about Iraq from Snuffleupagus? Or maybe a zucchini with lips could ask about Social Security?

Then came a guy eating corn and asking about farm subsidies, a gun control question from a guy irresponsibly handing firearms, some fucking idiot asking what guns the candidates owned, a douche bag asking them if they believe every word of The Bible, another asshat pretending he was two different people, a question from a cartoon Dick Cheney who was threatening the candidates with a gun and an asshole asking a question about his precious Confederate flag. Overall, it was an embarrassing display.

There were some interesting and effective questions asked, but they were few and far between. CNN attempted to make the debate “entertaining” and ended up creating an arena of shame.

The crowd itself was disturbing. The cheering of torture, while a man stands onstage who was actually the victim of torture, is beyond disgusting. Not all joined in the Roman like blood lust, but it was well over half. The crowd was obviously pretty much all white. When they showed a wide shot of the entire theater, I could only see one black man. But I’d like to thank CNN for showing close ups of two different black men. Must have been hard to find them with all those white faces. Zero in on that oddity. Brava.

Mike Huckabee was the clear winner. He was well spoken, funny and focused. Mitt Romney stumbled quite a bit, particularly on The Bible question. Rudy Guiliani was on the defensive a lot and Fred Thompson was just pathetic. Not so easy without a script, eh, gramps? Ron Paul just seemed outclassed and was definitely the most booed candidate on the stage. But the strangest man to watch on that stage was John McCain. On one hand he seemed old and a bit tired, but then it became apparent that he didn’t know what the fuck had happened to his party. Here was a man who used to be completely conservative but is now considered a moderate. He often seemed disgusted with the black and white answers of his fellow candidates and the total lack of substance in their answers. He was visibly angry at Mitt Romney’s pro-torture response to one question. It made me remember why I liked him back in the day. Sad.

It is very interesting to watch Democrats make the same mistake they made in 2000 and 2004. During both of those election campaigns, Democrats choose candidates who were so poor at debating that they ended up losing to the pathetic George Bush. Al Gore was so fucking boring and wooden that it was insane. Watching him lose the first debate to "barely able to speak sentences" Bush was startling. Then came John Kerry, who wouldn’t know a sound byte if it crawled into his anus and set up a Starbucks. (Who would? That doesn’t even make sense.) Anyway, Kerry is a blow hard. His inability to make points concisely was a disaster. But both suffered from one common, glaring problem: They were unlikable. After watching last night’s debate I can tell you the most unlikable person on the stage was the Democratic frontrunner, Hillary Clinton.

First I’ll run down the candidates and how they faired.

John Edwards was clearly the best candidate on the stage, from a debating perspective. He was very good with his answers and counter attacks. He was never ruffled, made his points with conviction and has a commanding stage presence. He is one cheesy motherfucker, though.

Edwards hit Clinton hard all night long, with jabs like this about Hillary's recent vote on Iran.

Joe Biden also came across very well. He was authoritative, made his points and was at times funny. He slammed Giuliani with a fantastic sound byte.

Nicely done. Biden is one hell of a corporate whore and I would never vote for him, but you cannot disregard his likeability factor.

Chris Dodd. Dodd could play a president in a Hollywood movie. He just has that look. He sounded intelligent, clear and was very well spoken. Dodd is less likeable than others on the stage, which may be why he is in the position he is today because on the issues he is just what liberals are screaming about.

Bill Richardson. I think he was running for Secretary of State. He spent the entire evening running his diplomatic resume, at one point saying he had negotiated the release of six US soldiers remains from North Korea earlier this year. Congrats on getting those dead guys back! He also asked everyone to play nice and stop picking on Clinton, which was the most pathetic brown-nosing attempt to get a job I have ever seen. Richardson is a likable guy, though he seems more fit for someone you would want on your bowling team.

Barack Obama. About as likable as they come with a voice that commands attention, too bad there is nothing to back it up. Obama started off strong but then began to trail off as the debate went on, probably because he hits the same note over and over. Yeah, yeah, we all should get along. We get it. You are the great healer. Maybe he doesn’t realize this is the exact shit Bush was saying in 2000. For Democrats, after years of being shit on by the opposition, it is time to fight, but Obama wants to orchestrate a group hug.

In the Sunday New York Times, Obama was quoted saying that it was time to get tough with Clinton for acting like a Republican. During the debate, Russert asked him directly about that assertion. It was a softball question that should have been hit out of the park. Obama’s answer:

Nice. Try to find a way to appear weaker, because it is exactly what America is looking for right now. Obama went on to make a joke about boxing and how he is all for "big meaningful change." Fuck off.

Dennis Kucinich. He is very small. Small people don’t get elected to be the "leader of the free world." End of story. Oh, and he admitted to having seen a UFO years ago.

Kucinich handled the question well and he brings up some very important points, but he is unelectable because he is a Hobbit.

Lastly, Hillary Clinton. Seriously, this is what you guys are going with? She could not have sounded more like a Republican. Her answers were broad, completely lacking details and there was no sign of leadership anywhere. She made it very clear that she does not like Bush and his policies and kept saying she would do the opposite. She’s going to “bring smart people together” to come up with ideas and whatnot. Super. Thanks for more of the same.

The inescapable reality of Clinton was highlighted at the end of the debate. Elliot Spitzer, governor of New York, is working on a controversial bill regarding giving illegal immigrants drivers licenses. Clinton had told a group of editors that the idea made sense, so Russert asked her about it. She blathered.

Great, now do you fucking support it or not? You actually can’t do a poll right in the middle of the debate, so you have to make a choice. An actual decision.

Chris Dodd stepped in and said he did not agree with the idea. At that point, Hillary the follower got worried that she might have actually said something of substance.

Dodd responded that she had just said the plan made sense. Clinton then said that the plan contained three different types of licenses. (Which was the compromise, not the original bill that she was asked about.) Clinton then accused them of playing “Gotcha” with her.

Today her campaign said she totally supports the bill.

Get used to moments like this being a common sight if Democrats choose Clinton. She is not and has never been a good debater. Her inability to give an opinion that she believes in without consulting a poll will devastate her, just as it devastated Gore. It is one of the reasons she comes across as unlikable. Standing up for what you believe in is a very attractive quality and Clinton does not seem to be able to do it.

Hillary Clinton also arrived at this stage in a very different way than the other candidates. All the other Democrats in last night’s debate started their careers winning little elections, making their way up the ranks until they achieved rather impressive victories. Barring Kucinich, that means a body of people wanted to be represented by that particular candidate and chose them. It happened again and again, until they reached a higher office. Likeability is an inherent factor in that equation. Sometimes unlikable people squeak through, like Gore and Kerry, and for whatever reason Democrats are incredibly attracted to them as presidential candidates. I offer the following as proof:

Kerry
Gore
Dukakis
Mondale

Talk about charisma! That's like lightening in a bottle, right there. Hillary is more of the same.

Hillary came to the scene as the wife of a president and from there jumped directly to the Senate. That means she came in with a massive war chest for her New York campaign and had a name that people loved. She ran against Republican fill-in candidates, who entered the race after the original GOP candidates dropped out late. Basically, she won races that were tailor made for a victory and has not proven yet that she can beat a politically savvy, likable candidate. Does she have the smarts? Absolutely. But I think we’ve seen with Gore and Kerry that smarts do not mean shit. They were both beaten by a likable retard. Hillary is certainly intelligent, capable and corrupt enough to take over the job. She’s just not likeable enough.

Look at that, voters don't want a Republican, but in a head to head, they don't really want Hillary either. She has the two perfect qualities that could lead to a loss: She is unlikable and she represents the right wing of the Democratic party. Why not just vote for a Republican instead of a Democrat who is acting like a Republican? At least he will seem like a nice person.

Get used to polls like this. The Democrats are about to elect the only candidate who could possibly lose.

I think my feminist wife put it best:

Actually, she's worse.