Asshole Fuckface Roundup #50
The Roundup is celebrating its semi-centennial and here you are reading it. You lucky son of a bitch. You are actually reading the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. Thats about as good as life gets and is considered to be a more pleasurable experience than an orgasm. (US News Reports, issue 42, Nov. 2005.)
The Asshole Fuckface Roundup has been giving people this pleasurable feeling for centuries, ever since my ancestor Seamus OWhitey began keeping tabs on the bastards. Now the torch has been passed to me, and each week I scour the news looking for the worst human being alive. When I find them, I give them the worst label any human could ever receive: Asshole Fuckface. So, put on your giant trash bags as a matter of fact, double bag that shit because this is going to be ugly.
This week we start with some amazing Asshole Fuckfacery taking place in Zimbabwe.
In March, President Robert Mugabe was defeated in a national election by Morgan Tsvangirai of the MDC, but Mugabe has not left office. Instead, he claimed Tsvangirai did not achieve the necessary majority, which necessitated a runoff. The runoff is scheduled for June 28th. Until then, it appears Mugabe will make life hell for his opponents.
Currently 4 million Zimbabweans rely on food aid from foreign countries. But now some of the aid has taken a bit of a detour.
Zimbabwe authorities seized a truckload of American food aid intended for hungry children and gave it out to government supporters instead.
Vote for me, heres some needy children food. Thats one way to do it. Hey, politics is rough. And its even rougher for members of the MDC.
Brian Mamhova of the MDC was elected councilor for the Harare South District council in March. Turns out, not such a great move for him. In the middle of the night last week, three truckloads of Mugabes thugs showed up and attacked Mamhovas house and entire neighborhood.
They locked the door where my wife was. They smashed the windows and threw petrol inside. Then they lit it, he said. Inside the house, my young brother broke the door. I thank God, otherwise they would be burnt, all of them. He took my nephew out of the room. Then he went back into the room and he took my wife, but it was late. She got 80 per cent burnt. My son was burnt to pieces.
"Burnt to pieces." That's about as fucked up as it gets. But they werent done yet.
Then they beat everybody there, my neighbors, everyone. Many of them are in Chitungwiza hospital now.
Sure, kick the shit out of the entire neighborhood. Mamhova is now in hiding. His wife died from her burns. She was 18 weeks pregnant. Mugabe also arrested Morgan Tsvangirai, his opponent in the upcoming election. It looks like the Asshole Fuckfacery in Zimbabwe has not even begun.
Next up, some good old fashioned American Asshole Fuckfacery.
The California Highway Patrol in Oceanside broke some horrible news to some local high school students last month.
On a Monday morning last month, highway patrol officers visited 20 classrooms at El Camino High School to announce some horrible news: Several students had been killed in car wrecks over the weekend.
How horrible is that? Imagine sitting in your high school history class, when a cop suddenly comes in and announces one of your close friends has been killed by a drunk driver.
Classmates wept. Some became hysterical.
In all, drunken drivers killed 26 students. Holy shit. How drunk was this guy? And what was he driving? Turns out, not drunk at all and not driving anything. It was just an awesome story to keep kids from drinking and driving. None of the kids were actually dead, it was just a magnificent scare tactic to keep kids from drinking and driving - by telling them their alive friends were dead.
Some of the kids learned it was a delightful fake DUI massacre right away, when their teachers saw their reaction and told them. For others, it came a bit later.
Others, including many who heard the news of the 26 deaths between classes, were left in the dark until the missing students reappeared hours later.
Okay, those kids are lucky they were not considered zombies and beheaded. Thats what I would have done. The kids who suffered through the your friends are all dead scenario are a little pissed, but school officials still think it was an awesome idea.
"They were traumatized, but we wanted them to be traumatized," said guidance counselor Lori Tauber, who helped organize the shocking exercise and got dozens of students to participate. "That's how they get the message."
Awesome. The only message they got is that you are an Asshole Fuckface. Hopefully, your doctor will tell you that you have colon cancer, then let you go through a few rounds of chemo, before telling you it was a game he came up with to make you eat more veggies. Youd really get the message, wouldnt you, Lori? You soulless Asshole Fuckface.
Next up, some Japanese style Asshole Fuckfacing.
A Japanese teacher came up with his own punishment for a high school student who nodded off during class.
The boy was taken to the staff room of the school in Fukuoka City, southern Japan. The 40-year-old male teacher handed the boy a box-cutter and paper and told him to write an apology in blood.
Um. What ever happened to detention? Why cant he write it in urine or semen? Anyway, Im sure the kid blew the teacher off.
The teacher left the student, who then cut his finger and began to write an apology using his own blood.
Nevermind. Just when you think Japan cant get any crazier, they go and make kids write apologies in blood. Of course, after it was all over, the teacher threw himself on his sword, so to speak.
The teacher later went to high school principal Hiroaki Dan and confessed what he had done.
That must have been a fun conversation. The teacher then apologized to the kid and his parents.
My bad.
I think hes going to have a hard time finding a job, after this.
The boy was back in school, and neither he nor his parents had asked to switch teachers. The teacher involved is expected to resume classes in a few days.
Um. I, uh. Cue Godzilla.
Next up, youre going to be surprised. I actually found an Asshole Fuckface appointed by President Bush.
J. Robert Flores is the administrator of the Justice Departments Office of Juvenile Justice Delinquency Prevention. The OJJDP gives out grants to different groups around the country that implement effective programs for kids. Naturally, being a Bush appointee, he doesnt provide funding based on whether or not a program deserves it, but instead, on political connections and religious beliefs. And the nations youth suffer.
A senior Justice Department official says a $500,000 federal grant to the World Golf Foundation is an appropriate use of money designed to deal with juvenile crime in America.
"We need something really attractive to engage the gangs and the street kids, golf is the hook," said J. Robert Flores.
Totally. When I think of kids who are shooting each other on the streets of LA, I picture how much their life would change if they were lugging around a bag full of golf clubs and hoofing it to the local course. Hey, I wonder how Flores settled on that golf program?
The honorary chairman of the First Tee program is former President George Bush. On a videotape presentation, the former President Bush praised the program for "serving others and building character and building values."
At least try to hide it, you Asshole Fuckface. But hey, maybe the program does actually help kids.
The director of the golf program, Joe Louis Barrow Jr., said the program would help teach inner city children because "golf is a game where values such as honesty, integrity and sportsmanship are essential."
Um, that dude has never played golf. For me it promoted values like drinking, smoking pot and urinating in public.
Thankfully, Flores denied grants to highly rated programs in order to give money to religious organizations.
Another program, designed to train adult guards to deal with teens in custody, also was denied federal money even though it was ranked by the staff number 2 out of 104 in its category.
A Washington, D.C. program, Best Friends, that promotes abstinences was awarded $1.1 million by Flores even though it ranked 53rd on a list of 104 applicants.
Best Friends is run by Elayne Bennett, the wife of Bill Bennett, a former Republican cabinet member and now political commentator.
"We're really about positive friendships," she told ABC News at a recent charity gala that included many of Washington's GOP elite. "A good, solid friendship is a beautiful thing," she said.
Word. Solid friendships are important. And, I guess abstinence helps keep kids out of trouble at least, in retarded opposite world. And dont worry, Flores has only given out $1.5 billion in grants. Hes a good man.
His former employee, Scott Peterson, said Flores holds daily prayer sessions in the Justice Department office and frowns on giving grant money to organizations that provide sex education or condoms to teenagers.
Fucking condoms. Gang bangers need to understand the emotional gains from making love to one woman - during marriage. Condoms won't do that.
And finally, the Asshole Fuckfaces at Fox News strike again.
Yes, they used a term that implies Michelle Obama is the unwed mother of Obama's child. You know why? Because Fox makes Mayonnaise look beige. Naturally, they brought in their "we're going to talk about minorities" pundit Michelle Malkin. (She's brown.) Here's what pundit Malkin was saying while the graphic was running:
Where backlash would come, is if people make gratuitous and cheap shots at her that have nothing to do with the substance of what she is saying. So far, Republicans and conservatives who have opposed Michelle Obamas statements have not made those kinds of cheap shots.
Seriously. Fucking amazing.
Republicans seem to be fascinated by these mysterious black people. Expect more and more of this kind of stupidity.
Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each receive a FearTheReaper mitten. Just one.
Gilligan's Island and Weed - Part 2
Why did those seven castaways spend 15 years on that uncharted desert isle? Maybe they were too stoned to give up finding new uses for coconuts.
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip...
Dawn Wells, who played Mary Ann on "Gilligan's Island," is serving six months' unsupervised probation after allegedly being caught with marijuana in her car.
She was sentenced Feb. 29 to five days in jail, fined $410.50 and placed on probation after pleading guilty to one count of reckless driving.
The actress was arrested in her home state of Idaho back on October 18th, while on her way home from a surprise birthday party. Wells had been pulled over by party-pooping Teton County Deputy Joseph Gutierrez, who noticed the tiny ship, uh, car was doing a little swerving.
When Gutierrez asked about a marijuana smell, Wells said she'd just given a ride to three hitchhikers and had dropped them off when they began smoking something. Gutierrez found half-smoked joints and two small cases used to store marijuana.
What a buzzkill, huh? He must've been a fan of I Dream of Jeannie.
The 69-year-old Wells, founder of the Idaho Film and Television Institute and organizer of the region's annual family movie festival called the Spud Fest, then failed a sobriety test.
Now, back to the title of this little celebrity cannabis number...
Why the "Part 2," you ask? Because of the link between this story, Wells and the "extracurricular activities" of Gilligan himself, the late Bob Denver.
In 1998, at the age of 63, Denver was charged with possession of 35 grams of marijuana, which he claimed at first to have obtained from his friend and former Gilligan co-star Dawn Wells, who played the sharp but innocent Mary Ann. But later in court, Denver refused to narc on Wells, testifying that "some crazy fan must have sent it" (along, presumably, with the 10 other grams of pot and three pipes found in a search of his home).
Jeez, first Moses, now Mary Ann...who will end up third in the SG Newswire Drug Story Trifecta? My money's on Thomas Edison. You'd have to be on something to come up with the light bulb. You heard it here first, kids.
thefreak always prefered Mary Ann over Ginger, despite his love of redheads. The fact she's a fan of the ganja pretty much clinches it.
Woman on Horse Busted for DUI
SYLVANIA, Alabama - It turns out that you can be charged with a DUI...even when you're not in a car. A drugged-out cowgirl found that out the hard way.
A woman used a horse to ram a police car during a midnight ride through town and was charged with driving under the influence, police said. DUI charges can apply even if the vehicle has four legs instead of wheels, Chief Brad Gregg said Tuesday.
After police received a call that a woman was riding a horse in the middle of the street, an officer confronted Melissa Byrum York, 40, and asked her to stop.
"She wouldn't stop," he said. "She kept riding the horse and going on."
After ramming the police car with the horse and riding away, York tried to jump off but caught her foot in a stirrup, Gregg said.
Miss York was arrested and charged with a list of crimes, including:
- DUI on suspicion of riding the horse under the influence of a controlled substance
- Drug possession (crystal meth and marijuana)
- Possession of drug paraphernalia (pipe)
- Resisting arrest
- Assault
- Attempting to elude police
- Cruelty to animals
York was released from the DeKalb County jail on $4,000 bond, then, to add insult to injury, was transferred to a different jail for an unrelated charge.
Remember, kids, drugs are bad mmmkay...
Paris Hilton Charged with DUI
The Los Angeles District Attorney filed charges against Paris Hilton stemming from her drunk driving arrest earlier this month.
The misdemeanor charges stem from Hilton's arrest earlier this month. The heiress was pulled over on September 7 in Hollywood after police spotted her driving erratically and she blew a .08 blood alcohol level, the minimum for a DUI in California.
Hilton partied a little too hard at Suicide Girls 5th anniversary party that night. Hilton maintained that she only had one drink that evening--a margarita, which she enjoyed while watching Reagan shake her tit-tays.
The maximum sentence allowed by law is a $1,000 fine and six months in jail. Knowing her history with Los Angeles D.A.s, nothing will come of this.
In other Hilton news, execs at Ecoist.com, an eco-friendly accessories company, claimed they are on the verge of signing a promotion deal with Hilton. They might want to rethink that decision; Hilton seemed a bit fuzzy on the details of a tree-planting promotional trip to Port-Au-Prince, Haiti.
Ecoist is hoping that Paris will join them in October on a trip to Port-Au-Prince to plant more than 40,000 trees, a source says. But when she was told about the trip, Paris had no idea where Haiti was. When she was told that they speak French there [along with Creole], she said, I wouldnt mind spending a few days there and the weekend in Paris.
Geography (or anything else school-related) is not her forte.
Photo Location
Paris Hilton Parties with the SuicideGirls
The world awoke this morning to the utterly non-shocking news that police arrested Paris Hilton early Thursday morning on DUI charges. Predictable, maybe--but the story has one major element of fun for SuicideGirls: Paris partied that evening at our Fifth Anniversary Party in Hollywood!
Shortly after leaving our charity event benefiting Head to Hollywood, Los Angeles Police noticed Hilton displaying her notorious (lack of) driving skills.
TMZ has learned LAPD officers noticed Paris driving her Mercedes McLaren SLR erratically at 12:31 AM and stopped her. They believed she exhibited signs of intoxication. We're told they administered a field sobriety test, and Paris blew a .08. In California, driving with a .08 blood alcohol level is the minimum level for DUI.
Paris was arrested and taken to the LAPD Hollywood division, where she was booked. The officers who stopped the car did not know it was Paris Hilton until they approached the vehicle on foot. Police sources say she was cooperative. Paris had a passenger in the car -- Kimberly Stewart, Rod Stewart's daughter.
Officers took her mug-shot at the station; unfortunately, they will not release the photo to the public. Paris sister Nicky picked up the shaken socialite at the police station after police released her on her own recognizance.
Rumors flew concerning how much alcohol Hilton consumed that evening. Her rep, Elliot Mentz, disclosed Hilton consumed one drink that evening.
Mintz told TMZ that Paris had attended a charity event earlier in the evening. He said she had a single drink -- a margarita -- the entire evening and shortly thereafter she was stopped. She was asked to take a breathalyzer test when she was stopped and cooperated. She took a second test at the station. For the record, TMZ is told Paris is 5'9" and weighs 110 lbs.
If Paris was intoxicated by anything, it was probably the SuicideGirls burlesque show that she had just enjoyed with her sister Nicky and Nicky's boyfriend Kevin Connolly, Kimberly Stewart, and Joe Francis, founder of the Girls Gone Wild empire. The charity event was thrown in celebration of SuicideGirls' 5 Year Anniversary, and featured the debut of the latest burlesque tour. The U.S./Canadian tour kicks off September 14 and runs through November 18 before heading to Europe, and a juicy little segment can be seen here.
Paris particularly seemed to enjoy the "Burn the Witch" routine (featuring the track of the same name by Queens of the Stone Age), in which SuicideGirl Nixon kicks some blond, socialite butt. Paris was laughing and snapping pictures through the entire routine.
We here at SG did not see Miss Hilton carousing at our event, and our own Sloane Suicide has a theory as to why Hilton wasnt drinking.
"I don't know when she would've had time to drink - she was furiously
texting on her Sidekick every time I saw her!"
Longtime fan Courtney Love showed up to celebrate SuicideGirls' 5th Anniversary, and other rumored celebrity sightings included Brandon Davis, Kevin Federline and Jason Bateman.
Paris poses on the red carpet with Ken Baker of Us Weekly, and the lovely Missy Suicide, co-founder of SuicideGirls.com
Jonathan Kesselman's Suicide Watch: Letter Of Apology To Mel Gibson
Letter Of Apology To Mel Gibson
8/23/06
Mel Gibson
Betty Ford Center
39000 Bob Hope Dr.
Rancho Mirage, CA 92270
Dear Mel Gibson--
Let me start by saying that I am a huge fan of your films! Braveheart, Mad Max, The Lethal Weapon movies
god damn, son, are you fucking kidding me!? You are a MOVIE STAR -- with a capital M! And as I reread my own sentence, Im noticing that there are also other letters that are capitalized in there, too! You ROCK!
So, Ive been reading a lot lately about your incident in Malibu. Man, talk about media overreaction, right? I personally wanted you to know, that I, Jonathan Kesselman, still think you are AWESOME! I hope the Betty Ford Clinic people are treating you nicely. Is the food good? Tell Courtney Love I said, What up, yo!
Anyway, the real reason Im writing is to apologize. I have to tell you, this is probably the hardest letter Ive ever had to write in my entire life. As I sit here in front of my keyboard, Im seriously contemplating whether or not I should even tell you this; however, seeing all of this nasty flack youre taking for some of the things you said about certain people of a certain ethnic/cultural/religious/ background, I figured I should set the record straight. Ive been wanting to get this off my chest for some time, and I couldnt think of a better person to tell than you. So, here goes
The Jews did not kill Jesus. I did.
First off, I just want to say that I know there a lot of people out there that are probably all pissed off about the dead Jesus thing, and I totally get that. And if it's any consolation at all Mel, I feel really, really awful about the whole situation. But the fact is, I couldn't sit back any longer, and allow the Jewish community as a whole to take responsibility for the actions of just one person. And while yes, I am technically Jewish, I think it would be unfair to blame the murder of a major deity on one group just because that group just so happens to have something in common with me. I mean, I love eating sushi and reading on the toilet, but that doesn't mean that the Sushi Eaters or the Toilet Readers killed Christ, right?
Hell, you made Bird On A Wire, but that doesnt make you responsible for ALL bad movies, right?
So Mel, at this point you're probably asking, "Hey Jon, what happened? What went wrong?" Well, in a nutshell, I was young and impulsive, shit got out of hand, and I killed the son of god. But it was an accident. I swear.
Never mind what your pop or The Bible tells you -- here's really what went down. So, I was chilling out in Jerusalem with some of my boys, when this dude with long hair wearing some sweet Birkenstock-y type sandals and a flowing white robe that he totally copied from The Polyphonic Spree, comes cruising down the street. There were a whole lot of what I can only describe as fan boys chilling out with him, hanging on to his every word. I mean I'll hand it to the guy -- you subtract the Manson Family haircut and the nightgown from his overall look, and this dude was sort of a pimp. Anyway, so the guy walks by, and I overhear him tell his crew stuff like, "I am Jesus. He who believes in me will also do the works that I do," and "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth," and so on and so forth. Which is cool. I mean I didn't have a problem with any of that stuff. But suddenly, he turns to one of his homies and tells him, "I am the king of the Jews." And that's when the problem started.
You see, anyone who knows me, already knows that I'm the original "King Of The Jews." I mean, not only is it my nickname, but it's like, my thing. Im not kidding, Mel. I have it written with a sharpie on the side of my sneakers, I have a K.O.T.J. crown tattoo on the inside of my thigh, and at one point, in junior high, I even had the barber use his #2 clippers to write "Jew King" on the back of my head. You see what I'm saying!? "The King Of The Jews" is my thing.
So naturally, I was peeved when I heard Jesus frontin'. And because it was over two thousand years ago and I wasn't as mature as I am today, I got all hot and heavy about it. So, I got right up into Jesus' grill, and I was like, "Yo dude, why you gotta front?" And he was like, "I'm sorry my son, I do not know of what you speak." And then I was all, "Nigga please! You know you're bitin' my style, dawg! You're going around tellin' all your crew that you're the 'King Of The Jews,' when everyone here already knows that that shit belongs to me!" Jesus looked at his posse kind of funny, and for a minute I thought I was going to have to get all freaky deaky on him, but he just played it off all cool-like, and was all, "We only request that you let us pass. I mean you no harm." Damn! Now I was even more upset, because he was trying to use that Mahatawata Ghandi non-violent reverse psychology shiit on me. He was trying to flip the script, and make me look like the asshole. But I was on to his little plan.
Anyway, my boys were laughing at me, and I was starting to feel like a chump. I told Christ that only one of us could have that title, and that was just how it was gonna have to be. He tried to ignore me and continue walking on by, but I stepped in front of him, blocking his path, looking him right in the eye. And I'm talking steely cold Jet Li eyes. Whaa Paa!!! I told homeboy that the only way to settle this thing was to settle it like men. And, as was the common practice among Jews back in the day in settling beefs like this, I challenged him to a carpentry-off.
Now Mel, I'm not going to bore you to death with all of the bloody little details of the rest of the story. Let's just say that what happened that day happened not because of a lack of carpentry skills on my end, but was purely the fault of that god-damned defective nail gun. I think somebody must have tried to modify the thing into some kind of semi-automatic mode, because the minute I turned it on, it was shink, shink, shink -- throwing nails off in every direction like a Roman candle on the 4th of July. And by the time I figured out how to turn that bad boy off, I looked over to find Jesus pinned spread eagle to the crossbeam he was carrying. And he was as dead as a doornail. No. Scratch that. He was dead from doornails.
So, that's it. That's what went down. But as is the case with old stories, when stuff gets told and retold over the years, things get all discombobulated and changed around. From a purely selfish standpoint, I'm guess I was cool with you not singling me out in J.C.'s death. But this whole blame it on "the Jews" thing is just getting kind of tired and out of hand. I mean, come on Mel, the dude was Jewish himself. He was playing on my team from day one. It's not like he died, and then all of a sudden decided to not be Jewish anymore. It's not like his dying last words were, "Hmm. I think I'll just make up my own religion, name it after myself, and transfer my own religional status to my new made up religion so I can blame my own people for killing me in the first place." In fact, I know that's not what his dying last words were because a) I was there when I killed him, and b) I heard the man talk firsthand, and that's not how he sounded. He used words like "Thou" and "Shall" and "Meek" and "Blessed," and his sentences were usually a lot shorter than that one.
So, in summation, I just wanted you to know the score. Im sorry you werent told about this earlier. As you can imagine, the whole killing of a God thing can be a little bit awkward and embarrassing. But in the future, I guess all I ask is that you please don't go out and blame the Jews, or the Sushi Eaters, or even the Toilet Readers for the death of Christ. I'm the one who did it after all. And I'm sorry.
Sincerely,
Jonathan Baruch Kesselman (AKA King Of The Jews)
PS I have also included my official public apology that my publicist helped me craft. Would you mind taking a look see and letting me know if it needs any more pizzazzing up?
I would like to extend an apology to the entire Christian faith for the things I have said and done. There is no excuse, nor should there be any tolerance, for anyone who kills Jesus. I want to apologize specifically to everyone in the Christian community for the vitriolic and harmful deeds that I did to Mr. Jesus H. Christ the day I killed him. Please know from my heart that I am not anti-Jesus. I am a public person, and when I do something accidentally in a moment of competition my actions carry weight in the public arena. As a result, I must assume personal responsibility for what I did and apologize directly to those who have been hurt and offended by that action/killing. I call on the Christian Community to help me discern the appropriate path for healing. I am in the process of understanding where that vicious YET TOTALLY ACCIDENTAL murder came from during that prideful display, and I am asking the Christian community, whom I have personally offended, to help me on my journey through recovery. Again, I am reaching out to the Christian community for its help. I know there will be many in that community who will want nothing to do with me, and that would be understandable. But I pray that that door is not forever closed.
Photo Location:
WNBC
Photo Location:
Donatocalabrese
Photo Location: My Contrite Laptop (Again, really sorry 
JK)
Jon_Kesselman is the filmmaker responsible for The Hebrew Hammer. He is currently co-writing and directing Odd Todd for Paramount, writing and directing The Orbit Of Bob for Nickelodeon, and producing Confessions Of An Ivy League Bookie with Andrew Fierberg and Steven Shainberg. Incidentally, he is also sexy, devilishly handsome, super-smart, brilliantly funny, sexy, and exceedingly modest.