Plissken's Shit Booze Review: Earthquake High Gravity Lager
I am not what most would call a man of high-dollar tastes. The only suit I ever owned was from J.C. Penney’s and I readily admit to not seeing a problem with calling a pot of Kraft Mac n’ Cheese with hot dog chunks in it dinner. When it comes to The Hooch, things are different -- I love the good stuff but I don’t obsess over it. Okay, yes, I fucking do, but I still understand there comes a time when the only point to drinking is to get loaded. Like when you get dumped by a woman with a mustache or you need to forget how you sharted in that Old Navy changing room when you tried to pull a left cheek sneak. And that’s where the cheap shit comes in. But, being the discerning prick that I am, I still want to bitch about it. And, if at all possible, make a poop and/or dick joke at the same time. That being said, welcome to the inaugural edition of Plissken’s Shit Booze Review.
First on the chopping block is a delightful little beverage I procured the other day at the 7-11 across the street called Earthquake High Gravity Lager. Brewed in LaCrosse, Wisconsin, this bad boy weighs in at a whopping 12.0% alcohol by volume and is sold “on special” at two for three bucks. Bring a fiver and you’ll have enough left over to get one of those eternally rolling hot dogs or some plastic cheese nachos. Trust me, you’ll want something on your stomach before this shit hits it.
The Pour
Notice the complete lack of head. If I wanted this little head, I’d be dating a prudish Catholic girl from Indiana with her jaw wired shut. Don’t believe the hype kids, head on your beer is a good thing, delivering both increased aroma and flavor that are critical to the enjoyment of a proper pint. Poorer examples will often lack this trait, as their body has been overly thinned by large additions of adjuncts such as corn or rice. These adjuncts contribute simple sugars to the beer which are much more easily digested by yeast than the sugars brought forth from barley alone. Simply put, a shit ton of it in a beer like this means a lot more alcohol without making the beer thick and hard to slam. Undesirable traits one looks for in what is essentially liquid crack.
The Aroma
Earthquake is hard to explain. How do I put it exactly? Imagine a pile of sweet corn. Now imagine a pile of old aluminum siding. Now make those two piles fuck and then somehow have a child in defiance of all that is holy. Now smell that child. That is what Earthquake High Gravity Lager smells like. Corn siding.
The Flavor
As I savored the first sip, I noticed something unusual -- I didn’t go blind, so it passed the first test. As the rush of knowing I wasn’t poisoned faded, the flavor did not. The alcohol scorch dominated the first sip, making its presence known in a punchy fashion that takes your breath away. Sort of like going into the unisex toilet at work right after that guy Carl who always eats the microwave burritos out of the vending machine. Following the shock of the 12.0% comes a strange saccharin sweetness, a side effect of using large quantities of the aforementioned adjuncts. While I did find it unpleasant at first sip, I noticed that it faded over time. Most likely, this was simply a side effect of my taste buds dying. Either way, once that first gulp was down and over it became almost bearable. Not good, but bearable.
The Verdict
It’s shit. But you knew that going in didn’t you? Does it get you where you want to go? Yes, but it also may lead to you waking up at 3 A.M on a Greyhound bus to Ogallala, Nebraska with no pants on and a penis permanent markered on your cheek. Drink it very cold and with caution. And have some Tylenol ready for the morning
6/10 stars
SnakePlissken thinks 12 steps are more appropriate to fall down than follow.
Bill Murray Can Do Whatever He Wants... Drunk
A few days ago reports surfaced that Bill Murray had been arrested in Sweden for drunk-driving a golf cart. I say, that's EXACTLY the kind of shit he should be doing.
For far too long that recent variety of famous for nothing, layabout-type celebrity has gotten away with everything. From preferential treatment to all-star perks, they've cleaned up. For the simple act of being atrocious, we reward them.
If anyone deserves this treatment, it's Bill Murray. If we're going to slant the playing field, at least let's do it for a legend. I'm saying Bill Murray has done enough in his career, been ridiculously funny enough, to warrant all kinds of perks and look-the-other-ways.
Drunk-driving a golf cart in Sweden? Sweden? C'mon, he should be allowed to run Sweden. It's a golf cart, you shouldn't be allowed to drive it not-drunk. What's the max speed, 6? In that vein, I give you...
Things Bill Murray Should Be Allowed To Do
1) Murder someone. Yeah, that's right, murder them. Not a saint or anything, not a totally innocent man. But, not necessarily an evil person, either. Bill should be allowed to kill an asshole. On purpose or by accident. Litterers, shipping heirs, the guy loudly proclaiming his intention to never see a film after the trailer plays at the movies... Those guys.
2) Garfield 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and so on, until we get to double digits. Destined to be the most controversial allowance. I don't like it any more than you do, but, he's earned the right. They're not for us, they're movies for children whose parents hate them. For the record, didn't see 1, skipped 2, won't see 3.
3) Many many years ago, Bill was caught smuggling 9 pounds of cannabis through custons at O'Hare airport. He should have been allowed to pass. Murray mentions that this incident is what prevented him from becoming a doctor. He should've been allowed to have become the world's first openly-pot smoking doctor.
4) Scarlett Johansson
5) Befriend a nerd. As most of you know, ordinarily, this type of behavior gets you banished from cool-dom. Bye bye, popular-kid table. Not so fast. In my opinion Bill Murray is at that level where he could, if he chose to, easily befirend a nerd in need, whether by removing a "kick me" sign from his back", toweling him off after a "swirlie" or merely becoming his lab partner, with ZERO social repercussions. That's power. Power he should wield.
6) Look up whatever Brian Doyle-Murray is allowed to do, triple it. I llike Brian Doyle-Murray, no direspect to him, that just seems like an appropriate thing that should happen.
7) Wear a wifebeater in public. I'm not saying he should, just that if he so desired, he could.
8) Punch a clown, with zero provocation. In the face or dick.
Trouble Mounts for 'Prison Break' Star
Prison Break star Lane Garrisons troubles continued to mount as the story surrounding Saturdays deadly car crash unfolded. Garrison crossed a median and crashed his SUV into a tree in Beverly Hills Saturday evening, killing one passenger, and injuring two others. Police announced they suspect Garrison may have drove drunk.
Mr. Garrison displayed symptoms of alcohol intoxication, and the investigation into Mr. Garrisons impairment is ongoing, police Lt. Mitch McCann said at a news conference Monday.
McCann would not say whether police tested Garrisons blood-alcohol level. The actor suffered minor injuries.
The District Attorney decided not to charge Garrison until the police complete the investigation, but Garrison prepared for the inevitable; he hired high-powered attorney Harlan Braun to defend him. Braun gave his clients version of the story to TMZ.com.
Braun tells TMZ that Garrison had never met the three teenagers before the night of the accident. Braun says Garrison was at a local supermarket earlier in the evening when the trio recognized him in the checkout line and asked him if he wanted to go to a party. Braun says Garrison went to the party and had one drink. Braun says Garrison also had one margarita at a Mexican restaurant that night, but that was the extent of his alcohol consumption. Braun tells TMZ that as Garrison was leaving the party to meet a woman at his apartment, the three teens asked to accompany him.
Braun claimed his client doesnt remember the accident. He speculated if the toxicology reports come back showing Garrison was intoxicated, then someone slipped him some drugs.
"Who knows if someone put something in his drink at the party."
Braun also stated Garrison's Land Rover experienced alignment issues and brake trouble. Braun promised to forward the repair receipts to investigators.
According to Braun, "Nobody knows what happened, it's a mystery."
Garrisons attorney declined to admit Garrison would probably remember the accident better if he werent so drunk.
Danny DeVito Gets Pissy Drunk on 'The View' Broads
During his appearance on The View this week, Danny DeVito looked like he should have been standing next to a hobo trash-can fire with a bottle in his handhomeboy seemed sloppy drunk...off his ass. He slurred his speech, cursed, and discussed banging his wife, Rhea Perlman, in the White House nonetheless. Perhaps most disturbing of all, DeVito sat on Rosie ODonnells lap.
DeVito appeared on the daytime talk show to promote his new Christmas movie, Deck the Halls, but most of the conversation centered around his previous evening out on the town. The actor admitted to partying all night with George Clooney, and was running on no sleep.
"I knew it was the last seven limoncellos that was going to get me," the actor told the show's co-hosts.
After the segment ran, DeVitos rep released a statement saying his client apologized to The Views alpha dog, Barbara Walters.
"He has called Barbara Walters to apologize for anything that could be construed as unfortunate," he said.
Strangely, the rep ended the statement by mentioning the fact that DeVito has never had a problem with drinking. Walters and crew has since extended DeVito an invitation to re-visit the show anytime. Charmed, I'm sure.
Prince Harry Touches Some Boob, Gets an Apology from Tabloid
British tabloid The Sun published photos of a drunk Prince Harry groping the tits of a boozed-up broad, while Prince William got his drink on in the background. The tab served all the details in the accompanying article.
Princes William and Harry hugged drunkenly for the camera during a booze-fuelled night out with chums. Royal heir William, 24, looked dazed and wide-eyed as the flash went off while brother Harry leered merrily over his shoulder. Harry was also snapped canoodling with pretty blonde Natalie Pinkham, while saucily groping her BOOB with one hand. Meanwhile William was caught trying a more tactful approach with another party girl as they chatted in the background.
Royal officials lost their shit, and immediately demanded an apology, venting their anger about the fact that The Sun couldnt get the facts right. The Sun stated the photos were taken in London nightclub Boujis in 2006, when they were really taken at another nightclub in 2003.
Why are these details important to Prince Harry? Harry has been seriously dating Chelsy Davy for almost three years, and she was none too happy to see the photos splashed across newsstands. The Sun stated the photos "may leave Harry with a little explaining to do to girlfriend Chelsy Davy, who was abroad at the time."
As it turned out, The Sun had a little explaining to doeditors issued an apology for the factual errors.
In yesterdays story "The Booze Brothers" we published photographs of Prince William and Prince Harry at a London nightclub. We accept that the nightclub was the Purple Nightclub and not Boujis as we said and the photographs were taken in autumn 2003 and not summer 2006. We apologise for the error. The Sun published the photographs in good faith but we apologise to Ms Natalie Pinkham, a close friend of both Prince William and Prince Harry for publishing them without permission and for any embarrassment or offence their publication has caused. We will be making a donation to a charity of Ms Pinkham's choice.
No word if Harry apologized for the public fondling of a drunk chick.
Jackie Chan Gets Drunk, Demands Duet
Jackie Chan jumped onstage during a performance by Taiwanese singer Jonathan Lee, interrupting the show and insulting the crowd. The action star admitted onstage he was drunk.
Chan suddenly jumped on the stage Monday night and demanded a duet with Lee. He then tried to conduct the band but stopped and restarted the music several times, the newspaper reported.
As the awkward interruption dragged on, audience members started to heckle Chan, who replied with an insult, according to the report.
Chans rep claimed he could neither confirm nor deny the incident took place, as he had not spoken to his client recently.
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