Plissken's Shit Booze Review: Earthquake High Gravity Lager
I am not what most would call a man of high-dollar tastes. The only suit I ever owned was from J.C. Penney’s and I readily admit to not seeing a problem with calling a pot of Kraft Mac n’ Cheese with hot dog chunks in it dinner. When it comes to The Hooch, things are different -- I love the good stuff but I don’t obsess over it. Okay, yes, I fucking do, but I still understand there comes a time when the only point to drinking is to get loaded. Like when you get dumped by a woman with a mustache or you need to forget how you sharted in that Old Navy changing room when you tried to pull a left cheek sneak. And that’s where the cheap shit comes in. But, being the discerning prick that I am, I still want to bitch about it. And, if at all possible, make a poop and/or dick joke at the same time. That being said, welcome to the inaugural edition of Plissken’s Shit Booze Review.
First on the chopping block is a delightful little beverage I procured the other day at the 7-11 across the street called Earthquake High Gravity Lager. Brewed in LaCrosse, Wisconsin, this bad boy weighs in at a whopping 12.0% alcohol by volume and is sold “on special” at two for three bucks. Bring a fiver and you’ll have enough left over to get one of those eternally rolling hot dogs or some plastic cheese nachos. Trust me, you’ll want something on your stomach before this shit hits it.
The Pour
Notice the complete lack of head. If I wanted this little head, I’d be dating a prudish Catholic girl from Indiana with her jaw wired shut. Don’t believe the hype kids, head on your beer is a good thing, delivering both increased aroma and flavor that are critical to the enjoyment of a proper pint. Poorer examples will often lack this trait, as their body has been overly thinned by large additions of adjuncts such as corn or rice. These adjuncts contribute simple sugars to the beer which are much more easily digested by yeast than the sugars brought forth from barley alone. Simply put, a shit ton of it in a beer like this means a lot more alcohol without making the beer thick and hard to slam. Undesirable traits one looks for in what is essentially liquid crack.
The Aroma
Earthquake is hard to explain. How do I put it exactly? Imagine a pile of sweet corn. Now imagine a pile of old aluminum siding. Now make those two piles fuck and then somehow have a child in defiance of all that is holy. Now smell that child. That is what Earthquake High Gravity Lager smells like. Corn siding.
The Flavor
As I savored the first sip, I noticed something unusual -- I didn’t go blind, so it passed the first test. As the rush of knowing I wasn’t poisoned faded, the flavor did not. The alcohol scorch dominated the first sip, making its presence known in a punchy fashion that takes your breath away. Sort of like going into the unisex toilet at work right after that guy Carl who always eats the microwave burritos out of the vending machine. Following the shock of the 12.0% comes a strange saccharin sweetness, a side effect of using large quantities of the aforementioned adjuncts. While I did find it unpleasant at first sip, I noticed that it faded over time. Most likely, this was simply a side effect of my taste buds dying. Either way, once that first gulp was down and over it became almost bearable. Not good, but bearable.
The Verdict
It’s shit. But you knew that going in didn’t you? Does it get you where you want to go? Yes, but it also may lead to you waking up at 3 A.M on a Greyhound bus to Ogallala, Nebraska with no pants on and a penis permanent markered on your cheek. Drink it very cold and with caution. And have some Tylenol ready for the morning
6/10 stars
SnakePlissken thinks 12 steps are more appropriate to fall down than follow.
Congratulations, Graduate... Now Get Drunk
Welcome to America. Home to baseball, George W. Bush, and The highest drinking age in the world. I know that when I was 16 I was drinking like an Irish dock worker, because I had friends who had friends who knew a guy in college. That guy and those friends would get drunk and pass out, which is when I would pocket all the booze to enjoy with my "underage" friends at a later date. But future generations might get to enjoy something I never had: Having a drink at 18... legally.
Over the strong objection of federal safety officials, a quiet movement to lower the legal drinking age to 18 is taking root as advocates argue that teenagers who are allowed to vote and fight for their country should also be able to enjoy a beer or two.
The ban on alcohol sales to minors though is a state requirement, not federal. If states don't comply, they lose money for highway funds. Given the recent events in Minnesota, I would say the effect of missing highway funds is being felt regardless of drinking laws. Though states ban alcohol sales, they do not necessarily ban the consumption by minors. Data shows that the current drinking age really has no effect on youngsters:
The federal governments National Survey on Drug Use and Health found that in 2005, the most recent year for which complete figures are available, 85 percent of 20-year-old Americans reported that they had used alcohol. Two out of five said they had binged that is, consumed five or more drinks at one time within the previous month.
I know when I first joined the US Military at 17 and began my travels of the world, I learned more from 40-something drinkers in Australia, Italy, and Thailand then I ever learned from a high school health lecture on the effects of drinking. Others seem to agree with this factor. I think its because we all like to have a drinking buddy. Thankfully we have groups like Choose Responsibly, led by John McCardell, the former President of Middlebury College. They will teach parents to get plastered with us, and respect the rights of young adults everywhere. Well, that's the hope. I think.
To McCardell, however, the real problem is that we are not teaching teenagers how to drink responsibly.
Choose Responsibility proposes lowering the drinking age to 18, but only in conjunction with drinking licenses, similar to drivers licenses, mandating alcohol education for those ages 18 to 21.
Education works, McCardell said, but its never been tried. Now its mandatory only after youve been convicted of DUI. That is not an act of genius.
So here is an idea: Lower the drinking age, create tougher drunk driving penalties like in other countries, and make a family day of getting drunk. I'm sure we will learn more about our families and ourselves then we ever cared to know... at least parents will finally be aware of what REALLY happens in college.
Mel Gibson's 'Apocalypto' a Bloody Good Time?
Dont eat dinner before seeing Mel Gibsons new movie, Apocalypto; the movie is crazy-bloody and violent. With the tag line, When the end comes, not everyone is ready to go, we should expect some beatings, but critics said the Disney film went a bit too far.
"The most violent movie Disney has ever released, with so much blood spurting out of orifices that even Martin Scorsese would blush," says FoxNews.com's Roger Friedman. "If you've wondered what it would be like to see heads and hearts removed without anesthesia, then this is the movie for you . . . The action is often cartoonish, and the dialogue - which is all spoken in some ancient dialect with subtitles - is often preposterous. In one scene, after what seems like the umpteenth bloody killing, one Mayan quips to another and the translation is, 'He's [bleeped].' "
Gibson directed and co-wrote the film, and he admitted the pressure from this film caused his out-of-control drinking, which came to a head during his infamous DUI arrest last summer.
Speaking on Spanish news show Aqui Y Ahora, Gibson revealed his ambitious new movie led him back to the bottle.
When a host asks if the "stress and driving yourself to a limit of knowing what you could do with this film perhaps led you back to drinking," Gibson replies, "Absolutely, I think there's a lot of pressures."
And Jews. Jews can really drive a man to drink.
Drinking Makes You Richer. No, Seriously.
I have always argued that drinking alcohol makes you more awesome, cooler, more fun, a better person, etc. What I didn't know is that hitting the bottle is a good way to pad your wallet. Or so says a study by the Reason Foundation, a libertarian leaning think tank of people who have apparently never gone bar-hopping in LA and paid $8 for an MGD.
But seriously, they had some scientific findings and stuff.
People who consume alcohol earn significantly more at their jobs than non-drinkers, according to a US study that highlighted "social capital" gained from drinking.
The study published in the Journal of Labor Research Thursday concluded that drinkers earn 10 to 14 percent more than teetotalers, and that men who drink socially bring home an additional seven percent in pay.
"Social drinking builds social capital," said Edward Stringham, an economics professor at San Jose State University and co-author of the study with fellow researcher Bethany Peters.
"Social drinkers are out networking, building relationships, and adding contacts to their BlackBerries that result in bigger paychecks."
Sounds good so far, but that's not all. This study also contained some pretty awesome policy recommendations as well.
They also said these conclusions provide arguments against policies aimed at curbing alcohol use on university campuses and public venues.
"Not only do anti-alcohol policies reduce drinkers' fun, but they may also decrease earnings," the study said.
"One of the unintended consequences of alcohol restrictions is that they push drinking into private settings. This occurred during the Alcohol Prohibition of 1920-1933 and is happening on college campuses today. By preventing people from drinking in public, anti-alcohol policies eliminate one of the most important aspects of drinking: increased social capital."
Now, I don't really know what "social capital" is. And I don't care. Anything that helps enable my alcoholism and drunken college keg parties is just fine by me. Of course, the educational establishment is always there to harsh my mellow.
The authors acknowledged their study, funded by the Reason Foundation, a libertarian think tank, contradicted research released in 2000 by the Harvard School of Public Health.
Psh. Fuck Harvard. Let's hit the sauce.
Lindsays Carousing Gets Her Spanked - By Her Boss
Lindsay Lohan's hard-partying ways may earn her a big, fat lawsuit from the production company behind her new movie Georgia Rule.
The CEO of Morgan Creek, James G. Robinson, wrote a blistering letter that threatened to sue Lohan for unprofessional conduct, calling her a "spoiled child."
Some choice bits:
You and your representatives have told us that your various late arrivals and absences from the set have been the result of illness; today we were told it was "heat exhaustion." We are well aware that your ongoing all night heavy partying is the real reason for your so called "exhaustion." We refuse to accept bogus excuses for your behavior.
Lohan was briefly hospitalized Wednesday for heat and dehydration, which her publicist blamed on L.A.'s high temperatures. The whole thing seemed suspicious, following as it did Lohan's night out at an L.A. club. But it wasn't really a lie - booze does dehydrate.
Robinson clearly isn't feeling sympathetic to Lohan's delicate condition.
To date, your actions on Georgia Rule have been discourteous, irresponsible and unprofessional. You have acted like a spoiled child and in so doing have alienated many of your co-workers and endangered the quality of this picture. Moreover, your actions have resulted in hundreds of thousands of dollars in damage. We will not tolerate these actions any further.
The letter finishes with a nice threat promising Lohan the mother of all hangovers for any future club-induced delays.
Lindsay and boyfriend Harry Morton out that fateful night