by Bunny McIntosh

[GoGo Suicide in Leon]

My Dear, dear DKWTT,

You, my honey, are suffering. Evolutionarily, people find it difficult to separate. Loneliness in the wilderness used to mean getting eaten by wolves. We, as humans, are programmed to have a hideous reaction to separating from someone who we depend on (sexually, emotionally, to move a heavy dresser, whatever). And this, DKWTT, is why I am here. Allow me to remind you in capital letters:

YOU BROKE UP WITH THIS NO GOOD JOKER FOR A REASON.

Right? Perhaps he was a dullard. Perhaps he had a jacked-up grill and he never made you laugh. Perhaps his mannerisms annoyed you, he whined, he was attracted to Jessica Simpson, and he couldn’t carry a tune. Maybe he was really bad at reading aloud and wore ill-fitting jeans. Maybe he had great taste in music, but was the snob of a life time. Maybe he looked like a schizophrenic when he took cell phone calls on his bluetooth while walking down the street. I don’t know why you didn’t want him to be your man, but you didn’t.

Please don’t beat yourself up for feeling dependent. You shouldn’t feel sad. Remember: it’s just your limbic system reacting to a biological compulsion. Your need to fall back into bed with someone you trust is completely normal. Sex is nice, but not when it’s keeping you from liking your life.

Remind yourself why he’s lame, put on a Kid Sister album, and go out and have fun. You don’t need to be saddled down by some panting bore who barely holds your attention outside of the bedroom. This isn’t going to work out, and you don’t want it to. Feel happy.

Lose the zero, you’re better than that. You’re not going to get eaten by wolves.

ex oh ex,

Bunny Mcintosh

Email Bunny with your relationship questions!

by Jules Bleach

Over the years I have built up this Ideal. A checklist of features that have inevitably turned me into a picky pretentious asshole, but with good intentions. Like Weird Science, I wish i could take Tina Fey’s chin & glasses, Zooey Deschanel’s smile, Sara Silverman’s mannerisms & Penelope Cruz’s….everything, and turn them into some kind of super girl. Those features have become less important in their practicality eg – those people that are strictly a boobs or butt man, and more about a feeling that’s invoked in my heart by the mathematics of angles, and more overly the colour palette and contrast. As it stands you could probably personify my lust into the form of #RGBYYY00021.





[Kobalt Suicide in Test Tube]

But I’m always afraid in this hypothetical daydream that turns into a nightmare; that the Frankenstienian hot girl will turn against its maker. You can’t make something love you.

Am I becoming one of those? Those girls who have grown up reading mills & boon, fantasies about pirates and wenches and with chiselled jawed heroes on the cover, who spend their nights at home getting lost in an imaginary world, becoming more and more terrified of the wild, outside world, finding comfort instead in Julio the Travelling Spaniard & His Adventures In Space?!

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Hell there’s nothing more I love than a good 30 Rock marathon, which initially began as a justification for drooling over Liz Lemon, but then coincidentally became one of my favourite shows. But I guess my point is this – sure, everyone has a type, (right?!) But all the time I’ve spent with Hot Girl goggles on, I’ve been ignoring the real world and all the variety of interesting people it offers.

I feel that by sharing even this insight; something as simple as – I like a good set of eyebrows – that I’ve revealed too much and therefore become too transparent and predictable. After all I do like to keep an air of mystery about me. On a side note, there is nothing more attractive to me than Mystery & Intrigue, and I find the sexiest thing in the world to be a question mark. But perhaps my point, my revelation is, that I don’t want someone to walk down the street, see a girl and go – that’s a Jules’ kind of girl. I still want to be able to surprise myself.

This is Jules, boldly going where no Jule’s has dated before.

by Bob Suicide

There are two different kinds of geeks: those that take the blue pill and the ones that take the red…and depending upon which color you subscribe to; your interaction with the world at large (and the l33t ladies within it) will vary widely.

Take the blue pill and you’ll find that you’re unable to stop talking in social situations. You may not even be conscious of it, but to other observers they can see the looong green lines of code just spilling out of your mouth without end. Take the red pill and you’re so cripplingly shy, you can’t seem to talk to anyone. You just wander thorough various social situations as an observer.





The battle isn’t with the machines, it’s with you’re own ability to interact with the people around you…

I’ve discussed it with other Suicide Girls and this phenomena can be witnessed–at it’s height–at conventions. We’re often approached by partakers of the blue pill who will sit at our booths for HOURS talking about this and that…but we’ll also meet red pill fans who are SO shy they approach us shaking with fear and leave without saying a word. Neither choice action really gets you any closer to the heart (or pants) of a geeky girl (particularly if she’s in a red dress).

Now, I myself am a firm addict of the red pills. Which is important to note ’cause this geeky Matrix is not exclusive to men. For all of you looking to bag a nerdy lady, don’t fret too much over which color lozenge you took because the girl you’re planning to talk to is going through the same exact struggle.

As a group, us nerds are not known for having the best social skills (and that includes girls too). So, be aware of which group you fall into (red or blue) and adjust your social interactions accordingly. It’s all about balance, be aware of you and how you engage your surroundings.

If you notice you tend to talk too much, try actively switching up long-winded discussions with questions directed at someone else in the conversation. A girl doesn’t want to hear how cool you are, she wants to have a discussion about how cool the two of you could be as a team. Think of it in terms of gaming: there are very few of us who can enjoy watching someone else play through story mode…but in co-op, every one gets a turn.

While, being overly quiet and shy doesn’t even get you in the game. Don’t be afraid to grab a controller, press “x” and join! Since I fall into this category, I can recommend advice I try to put into practice myself: breathe and try to make eye contact. Clenching up and looking down is a surfire way to miss what’s going on around you as a result. Don’t be Rajesh Koothrappali. Geeky girls are awesome, but they’re still just people. You don’t need a grashopper or extra hit points to keep us engaged. A simple, “hi” and a smile is an easy way to get the ball rolling.

Now, whether you wake from your dream or stay in Wonderland…remember this blog, download some kung fu and get ready to date!

by Bob Suicide

Sure, you could take a girl to dinner and a movie…if that dinner happens to be at Ninja and the movie is Predators.  But, why not invite her out to something that will really catch her eye?  After all, geeky girls love limited edition items…give her a one of a kind date to remember:

1. Pretend like your Dr. Who and take your companion on an amazing trip through the stars! Invite the lady out to your local planetarium or history museum–like San Francisco’s Academy of Science or Philly’s Franklin Institute–clad in your scarf or bow tie (depending on your doctor of choice) and she’s sure to swoon.  (And, she may even touch your sonic screwdriver.)  You’ll even get bonus points if you read up on astrophysics and can lend some geeky tidbits about the doppler red shift effect and string cosmology…after all, the Doctor’s had 907 years to learn it all. You’ve got a lot of catching up to do.  Better jump in your Tardis now!


2. What nerdy girl doesn’t love a sackboy? Invite her over for a game night. And, while us hardcore gamer girls do love to  frag and pwn noobs, there’s something to be said for a boy who whips out a Little Big Planet level designed specifically for said gamer girl. Now, this might take a lot of work to set up–but trust me–if the girl’s a gamer she’ll know the amount of effort you put in…and she’ll really appreciate it. Who doesn’t want their very own game? Bonus points for the dulcet tones of Stephen Fry’s narration…if he can’t set the mood, you’re in trouble. That man is class.

Another game suggestion would be to get Sleep is Death.  You’ll definitely impress her with your indie game cred and win her over with your support of the indie dev movement (as you can choose your own price for the game). To give you an idea of the kind of fun you can have (and what the gameplay is about) from the perspective of an uber-geeky gamer girl here’s my favorite “Hey Ash Watcha Playn’” video for Sleep is Death:



3. Show off your mad scientist skills (as well as your cunning culinary skills) and cook her dinner. I know, I know…that doesn’t sound super nerdy does it? Sounds pretty normal…like a plain-old, boring date. Yawn. Well, let’s gekify-it! BAMN!!! Cook for her with a sweet molecular gastronomy kit. (And, prepare all your “molecular balls in my mouth” jokes accordingly). Or have a space taste party and relive the days when Defying Gravity was still on the air (and wonder about what the heck was up with the singing, floating balls of goo). For bonus points, do all your cooking in this Darth Vader apron. Warning: These are not the cookbooks your looking for.

4. Typical lists of this sort (lists suggesting ideas for innovative, romantic dates) almost always suggest a scavenger hunt. Now, stay with me as I suggest the same thing…but I’m gonna crank the “nerd” up to 11: Geocaching. There are a couple different caching apps, but I like Groundspeak’s app. What better way to spend a sunny day than to follow wherever your gadgets lead you? You guys might discover parts of your town you didn’t know existed. Bonus points if you can get to a geocaching location before you two start your trip to hide something for her: tickets to a movie perhaps? (Or, maybe just a letter saying to look in your pocket for tickets to the movie in case other cachers get a hold of them first). You could say your pocket is the nest cache on the list!

Bonus points if you give your date your finished toy…what geeky girl doesn’t like swag?

I know I mentioned the cliche-ness of the typical “dinner and a movie” but, if you can put your own spin on it and add a little of that nerdy flair it’ll definitely give you a one up in your date’s heart. Even the simplest of dates can really make an impact on your nerdy sweetheart if you can show her your own personal geeky flair…and share a button or two with her.

Now, I’ve given you some hints; Make it so!

by Bob Suicide

Expanding upon the idea that geeky girls will develop a +1 to attraction when meeting a guy who isn’t afraid or doubtful of her interests in all things nerdy you can increase your stats even further by treating her like “one of the guys.” Now, I know this sounds A) weird and B) counter-intuitive to your ultimate goal of hooking up with a hot chick, but–trust me–most ladies of the geek persuasion will love it!

I know we’ve only know each other for about two blog posts and I respect your hesitation to walk up to a girl, hit her in the arm and say, “so, how ’bout them Spartans?” But, if she’s a quality lady she’ll turn around and respond with an uber-attractive, breathy,”oh em gee, I can’t wait for Starcraft II. It’s about damn time.”

Your mind is totally blown right now isn’t it?



For a group of girls who spend so much energy fighting to have our own space in the gaming/comic/larping communities, we really do identify with a lot of the male population’s idiosyncrasies and prefer to joke about “pwning noobs”–in all aspects of life–with the best of ‘em.

Still not believing me? Well, have you ever heard geeky women talk about how they have trouble getting along with other girls? Even if you haven’t…take my word for it. (My boobs are large and, thusly, my opinion has weight). Most truly nerdy girls will tell you that they either don’t have a lot of friends who are girls or that the *best* of their friends are male.

“Whaa?” you say, “How did this happen?” you ask. Well, think about it. We’ve already established that the geek culture is predominated by male influences; targeted to males and identifying with a male culture. So, for those of us ladies who, despite all of that marketing money directed at NOT appealing to us, fell in love with science fiction and super heros, we grew to identify with that target market and even developed some of the characteristics of the “typical geeky male.”

I mean, we can all watch that old DOA commercial and giggle when they say, “she kicks high.” And, part of that is due to the female gamer’s ability to understand the charm of a “male-dominated” market by letting it appeal to themselves.

What does this mean for you (as someone who’s looking to bag your own l33t lady)? Well, think about the things you like to do with your friends and tweak it to engage in a quest with aforementioned hottie: invite her to an online game/guild/i09 meetup, pub quizzes are “big” in the geeky community right now–invite her to join your quizteam, having an epic movie marathon where you’re screening all the old Predator films (accept AvP…that franchise doesn’t count) tell her to don her cammo and throw popcorn at the screen with you and your buddies.

This line of thinking is also beneficial to you, my young Padawan. “Nerdy girls,” while we are special and “limited edition” like I mentioned before, we’re not unattainable nor something to be hidden in a crate in Area 51. Don’t be afraid to approach us. Talk, hang, game with us just like we were anyone else. Thinking about girls as as one of your friends might make it easier to approach and interact with us…it’s an EPIC win-win.

So, if you’re really looking to appeal to us…think about us the way we think about ourselves: just one of “the guys” who love to frag unsuspecting noobs.

by Christine Dinh

You’ve already heard me bemoan that dating is hard to do. But you know what’s even harder? Finding the time to go on the first date.

In between juggling multiple jobs, after-hours networking events, reading comics, flying to different conventions, squeezing in time for my online and offline friends, making use of that xbox, searching the interwebs for deals on Hoodie-Footies and making sure peeps don’t spoil the recently-released movie, I’m certain I have negative amounts of time left over to dedicate to find Mr. Right, or even Mr. Right Now.

Well, if you’re on the same boat as I am, or if your personality sucks (just kidding! I heart you!), there are peeps out there who’ll make sure we’re on the right path to finding the one, or at least getting laid a fair amount each month.

It’s time we start outsourcing the work.

Could Virtual Dating Assistants be our modern day Cupid? Possibly.

For $600 a month, their snazzy writing skills guarantee you at least two dates, some insider tips and not much else.

While the self-misrepresentation and chunk of change you’d lose is enough to keep others at bay, it’s Virtual Dating Assistants’ mission statement and their sterile approach to dating that’s turned off this girl.

I would rather have lose a couple more hours in sleep mulling over my dating profile and writing and rewriting every message as long as I get to keep all the fun, excitement and nervous anticipation that comes along with searching for Wonderboy.

As I save those Benjamins for products of self-love, share with me in the comments section if you yourself have outsourced dating assistance or if you would or wouldn’t turn your love life over to a digital Cupid.

Last column we looked at the importance of being willing to walk away from a relationship when you aren't getting what you want. Today, we’re going to talk about commitment -- the importance of choosing to stay.

It‘s a paradox, but relationships are all about opposing forces. Desire and restraint. Tension and comfort. Anticipation and release. Those forces need to be balanced, but it’s a dynamic, ever-shifting balance. Relationships are like kisses in that respect -- the tension is steady, but never static. There are constant changes in mood and pressure, explorations and withdrawals, give and take, tenderness and aggression. Lips moving, tongues dancing, hands skimming along backs, soft sighs as bodies press together, fitting perfectly as time seems to disappear and all that remains is an endless now of sensation, until -- unable to hold back -- you grab her hair, drive her against the wall and…

Um…what was I talking about? Oh yeah, commitment.

Now, keep in mind we aren’t talking about giving the other person the sun, moon, and stars. In fact, early in the relationship, that kind of devotion is creepy. But you do need to demonstrate enough commitment to be trustworthy. A simple example would be a lone gentleman who is flirting with a trio of women at the bar. Nothing can happen until either he decides which woman he‘s going to hit on or until one of the women signals her friends via Girl ESP or a strategic washroom conference that she‘s into this one.

I often think of commitment as romantic currency. When you‘re going into business with a new partner, you want to each have the same amount of Devotion-Dollars © on the table. He buys a drink; She tells him about herself. She drops a hint about a play she’d like to see; he suggests they go together. He takes care of her cat for the weekend; she helps him understand the importance of furnishing his apartment with decent drapes.

Of course, for things to move forward, the level of Commitment-Bux ™ in the pot has to increase. In heterosexual relationships, it theoretically works like this: the female signals receptivity; the man reads the signal and leads in a forward direction accordingly; the female follows. Sometimes that’s even the way it happens in the real world. Most often though, romantic reality follows a rigid and scientifically verifiable pattern that we in the professional dating community refer to as “a clusterfuck.” Yet somehow, some way, you crazy amateurs make it work(*) --which makes me wonder why you need our expert advice in the first place (**).

I digress.

There’s another kind of commitment. I call it the Switch, and it isn’t measured in phone calls, dinners, or blowjobs. It doesn‘t happen in every relationship, but if you can recognize it in yourself when it happens, it will bring you a lot of clarity.

The Switch is the moment your desire to stay in the relationship outweighs your willingness to walk away. It’s lying awake annoyed in bed thinking, “This man being snores like Darth Vader with a chest cold…and I’m going to stay with him anyway.”

The Switch can be exhilarating. It can be scary. It can also happen without you even realizing, so it’s important to pay attention. If your Switch has been flipped, it’s time to have a talk with the other person about taking the relationship to the next level. If you don’t feel the Switch, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together, you are fooling yourself if you think you can fake it. The Switch is a powerful internal commitment, but if it isn’t there, it can’t be forced. Similarly, if it IS there, it’s a hard thing to turn off.

All this is complicated enough. But to compound the situation you have to remember that the other person also has a Switch. And you have no control over if or when it goes off. There are also no reliable clues to tell you if the person has Switched. Some people have a habit of hiding their attachment to a person until they know their feelings will be reciprocated. Others pretend to have emotions they aren’t feeling.

It can be messy. Which is why I recommend a) staying true to your own feelings, and b) letting the other person know what those feelings are. Maybe they share your level of commitment. Maybe they want more…or less. Or maybe they don’t know. Maybe they need an indication of where you‘re at before they make a decision about how much to invest emotionally.

They will do what they are going to do, but at least they won’t be able to use “I didn‘t know you felt that way” as an excuse.

Neither should you. Now go out and make somebody happy.

(*) One of the things that makes being a dating geek so much fun is just as you think you have relationships figured out, you see or experience something that makes you throw your hands up and go, “I have no idea what‘s going on.” My favorites are couples that beat the odds. It’s wonderful to hear a story that lets you still believe in magic.

(**) But I’m glad you ask. It makes me feel helpful. Also, it beats getting a real job.


Dan Brodribb is a professional stand-up comic and writer. He is currently working on a book called Dating for Shy Guys. Learn more about him at: danbrodribb.blogspot.com.

I write about dating a lot. Love...not so much. Yes, there's a difference.

You can describe dating in three words: "cruel, but fair." If you have a working grasp of the fundamentals you will see results barring your preferred gender being wiped out by an apocalyptic space plague. If the fundamentals aren't there, you will have problems, no matter how nice or deserving a person you are.

Love, on the other hand, is a wild card.

Sometimes it's like in the movies. Being in love gives you the strength to overcome obstacles, transcend your limitations, and make Evil Willow see the error of her ways. But it can also trip you up.

Take the phenomenon I call Cupid's Injustice: the person most in love is usually the person least willing or able to walk away. And contrary to what the songs and stories say, you don't earn someone's love through selfless devotion. You earn love by instead showing you can live without it -- or at least by proving to the other person that you can love someone without losing yourself.

Unfortunately, it's hard to set those boundaries when every cell in your body is telling you you need to be at close quarters to the object of your affection whenever possible and that you need to do whatever it takes to make this person happy. (I'll DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, I'LL BE WHOEVER YOU WANT, JUST DON'T LEAVE ME!!!!)

But if you love them -- especially if you love them -- you need to show them that you are complete on your own.

It's not always easy. From moment one, couples and potential couples test one another. Sometimes it happens early like a woman demanding a guy buy her a drink before she'll talk to him. Other times, it happens later when a guy doesn't call when he says he will. The specifics change, but you can count on one thing. The object of your affection will find the lone button in your psyche you least want pushed and lean on it with all his or her might (*).

Upset about this? Don't be. First of all, most times the people holding up the hoops don't consciously realize they're doing it. Furthermore, it often has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their hang-ups. There's no point taking it personally.

More importantly, I've noticed we only test the people we like. It might not feel like it, but being tested is a good sign. It means you're in the game.

There are two big ways to fail a test. One is to be a pushover, and just let the other person do whatever they want. The second is to start freak out and get defensive or resentful. If a woman asks you to buy her a drink and you're not into it, saying "let's wait until I know you a little better" will get you further than exploding into a rant about "gold-digging bitches."

The secret to dealing with tests is a very simple, two step process. One step is a "don't" and the other is a "do."

1) Don't take it as a personal attack.
2) Do what your heart tells you is the right thing to do. And you WILL know the right thing to do, ladies and gents. Trust me. More importantly, trust yourself (**).

The secret to handling the testing stage of a relationship is to get past it early before things snowball. The sooner the other person can trust you to be true to yourself, the sooner they can stop testing and start fantasizing about raising your children.

Unfortunately, following my Two-Step Testbuster is easier said then done. And if you're in the grip of Cupid's Injustice...that's when hell really breaks loose.

I've been on both sides of this particular fence. There once was a woman who loved me, and I took advantage of it. She told me she was okay with things when she clearly was not. I chose to believe her because...well, because I was getting what I wanted. And it's a funny thing about human nature that when we're getting what we think we want, we tend not to look too closely at things we'd rather not see (***).

I got my karmic reward with the next woman I dated. I was crazy about her, but she did things that were against my principles. Not big things. Little things. I let them go, drop by drop, moment by moment, until I suddenly looked at the relationship we had and realized, "Hey, wait a minute. This is NOT what was pictured on the menu."

The important thing to realize is that in neither case was I happy. It's hard being the one that's tested, but being the tester is no bed of roses either. Yes, you get the power in the relationship, but you also get the guilt, the unexplainable bouts of unhappiness, unease, or loneliness, and the resentment that comes from feeling responsible for someone else's emotional health.

No matter how in love you are, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how unfair it feels or how many old fears and insecurities come swirling to the surface as a result of it, sticking to what you believe and refusing to become embittered will help both you and the other person.

Often showing willingness to walk away can turn a troubled relationship around. In earlier stages of courtship it can make the difference between "just-another-pretty face" and "I-want-to-know-more-about-this-person." And sometimes...well, sometimes it does nothing. Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, you need to walk away.

It's not always fun. Sometimes it feels completely unfair. But love never pretended to be anything else.


(*) Not everything the other person does is a test. Some things--chronic lateness, obsession with organization, or liking the Jonas Brothers--are just personality quirks. Also, it is not a test if someone hits you, steals your stuff, or otherwise takes advantage of you physically, emotionally, or financially. That's called abuse and there are three things you need to know about it 1) It isn't your fault. 2) You aren't alone and 3) There is help available.

(**) You'll earn yourself bonus points if you can do it in way that's funny, socially graceful, or sexy, but that's all icing. Sticking to your guns is the cake.

(***) This is also explains some of my diet choices.


Dan Brodribb is a professional stand-up comic and writer. He is currently working on a book called Dating for Shy Guys. Learn more about him at: danbrodribb.blogspot.com.

Successful dating is like basketball. It's all about fundamentals (*).

Too many people are looking for a trick or secret weapon to dating success when ninety-five percent of the time, all they need to do is refine the skills they already have. Today we're going to talk about a basic conversational building block (**) called self-disclosure.

I know what you're thinking: How dumb do you have to be to screw up talking? The answer is, you don't have to be dumb at all. Some of the smartest people I know have the most trouble talking to people. This is because they're the type of person who are always trying to "win" a conversation. They want to be the one with the most knowledge or the most trenchant comeback. Many times they are successful. Unfortunately, their prize for these conversational victories is the title of social imbecile. Instead of a blue ribbon, they get a scarlet letter (**).

I have a lot of empathy for those folks. Our culture assumes social ability is somehow innate. The truth is, conversation is a skill that can be learned just like long division or the extended combos in Street Fighter II. But for some of us, these things don't come naturally. We have to work at it.

Which brings us back to self-disclosure, which is to conversation what X-Wing fighters are to the Rebel Alliance -- effective, adaptable, and ubiquitous.

How do you self-disclose? Easy-Peasy. You pick a subject -- ANY subject -- and relate it to yourself by talking about your feelings on the subject. Then you shut your gob and give the other person a chance to talk. Rinse and repeat.

It looks something like this:

Pretty simple, right? The two biggest mistakes people make are lack of emotional content ("Transformers 2 is now in theatres" vs. "I can't believe what those fuckers did to Soundwave.") and not tying the content to themselves ("Many cultures consider suicide a noble ending" vs. "I hate myself and want to die.").

The secret is to talk in the first person. Not only will you sound more confident and expressive, it will help you avoid sounding judgmental, which is the conversational kiss of death. "I'm a fan of good driving" is a far more effective connection-builder than "People should learn to drive" or (God help you) "Your driving sucks."

The important thing to realize about self-disclosure is you aren't talking about yourself for the sake of talking. There's no showing off, defending yourself, or rationalizing. The goal is to lay down how you honestly feel. When you do this, people become more comfortable opening up right back, and in dating, comfort is the name of the game.

Don't believe me?

Good. If you're smart enough to know not to believe everything you read, then you're probably smart enough to realize the best way to find out if something is true is to try it for yourself (***). It's counter-intuitive to accept that the best way to connect with others is by talking about yourself, so a little skepticism is perfectly natural.

Here then is your challenge. Your job is to have a conversation with someone. Over the course of this conversation, you are to learn as much as you can about them using ONLY self-disclosure. You are not allowed to tell them what to do. You are not allowed to ask questions. All you do is a) talk about your own experience and b) listen.

Post your results and questions in the comments section below.


(*) All of which are covered in my book Dating for Shy Guys, available in slush piles of finer Literary Agencies everywhere.

(**) There are a few other basic elements to conversation we'll probably talk about down the road. They are (in rough order of frequency of use): questions, paraphrase, leading, and sexual tension.

(***) I am a trained professional writer. Do not attempt this imagery at home.

(****) Unless you're a twelve-year old child interested in finding out what happens when you jump off the garage roof. At such times, it's nice to have an impressionable younger sibling.


Dan Brodribb is a professional stand-up comic and writer. He is currently working on a book called Dating for Shy Guys. Learn more about him at: danbrodribb.blogspot.com.

The answer to the question "who would Buddha fuck?" is that he wouldn’t. He left his wife to pursue the deeper Truth of the Universe. Later on she dropped whatever grudge she must have had and became a Buddhist nun. But as far as we know they did not get back together as husband and wife again even after she joined the order.

But, y’see, before Buddha became Buddha he got more ass than a toilet seat. Compared to the founders of most major religions Buddha was the Gene Simmons of the spiritual scene. One of the randiest saviors this planet has ever produced!

Siddhartha Gautama, the Buddha-to-be, was born into a royal family and reportedly had quite a harem in his youth. His dad, the king, had a special “chamber of love” built for the boy where the raunchy little tyke spent his days partaking in all kinds of debauchery. According to Lust for Enlightenment by John Stevens, the ever horny prince availed himself of pleasure girls adept at such skills as “war of the tongues,” “kissing the stalk,” “sucking a mango,” “opening the blossom,” as well as sex positions known as "the union of cats," "the pressing of an elephant," "bee buzzing over honey" and, best of all, "the union of three." Sometimes the girls teamed up to perform the yogini chakra in which the salivating Siddhartha made love simultaneously with three, five, seven or nine partners.

Suffice it to say, by the time Buddha gave up sex he’d tried pretty much everything there was to try.

The first Buddhist monks attempted to emulate Buddha’s later life in terms of sex, meaning they usually became celibate.

Later on other Buddhists in the Tantric tradition took a completely different outlook, turning to Buddha's earlier life and trying to make sex into a meditative practice. According to the all-knowing Wikipedia*, “When enacted as enjoined by the tantras, the (sexual) ritual culminates in a sublime experience of infinite awareness, by both participants.” Uh huh. I’m sure it does. I have a couch right over here where we can try it out if you like…

In Zen practice we strive for the balanced state that Dogen called, “Dropping off both body and mind.” People come to this state of balance in a variety of ways. One of the reasons sex is so appealing is that for many people the only time they truly drop off body and mind and enter fully into the present moment is while fucking.

Yet, in spite of what the Tantrics say, I remain unconvinced that sex is a viable path to the Absolute. It’s just too easy to abuse and it’s too potentially emotionally charged of an activity for most people to maintain equilibrium while engaged in it

In medieval Japan a Zen monk named Ikkyu celebrated his own sexual escapades -- which, by the way, he never equated with his Zen practice -- in a series of poems dedicated to bar girls and prostitutes. My favorite goes like this,

He also said of fair Mori, “She is a master of love play. When my jade stalk wilts she can make it sprout.” Yay-yah!

There is clearly no single unified line of thinking when it comes to whether or not Buddhists should fuck. But Puritanism was never part of the Buddhist tradition. Even where celibacy is practiced it is only required of the clergy. There has never been a Buddhist-led movement to suppress sexuality among the general population.

As far as lay people were concerned, Buddha only said that a lay Buddhist man should, "avoid unlawful sexual intercourse. He (should have) no intercourse with girls who are still under the protection of father or mother, brother, sister, or relative; nor with married women, nor female convicts; nor lastly with betrothed girls." We can assume the same advice in modified form was expected to be adhered to by women.

We don’t live in ancient India or medieval Japan, and most of us are not Buddhist monks. But a lot of young people in the West these days are interested in Buddhism. And they’re interested in fucking.

And while ancient Buddhist texts may be able to tell us how the folks who composed them dealt with sex and marriage, they don’t really address the subject of dating at all, since it’s a very modern concept.

I joined one of the Buddhist dating services on the Internet recently, to see what might be going on in there. I’d seen the ads these guys placed in the Buddhist rags with an appealing young couple meditating back to back and thought they were hilarious. I didn’t get too far, though. The “free” site asked me to pay $15 if I wanted to send a message to any of its members. But what I found in my brief excursion was pretty dire.

For starters, it looks like most of the Southern California based women on the site identify their religion not as Buddhism, but as Scientology. I found that a little surprising. Scientologist or not, most of the folks there are looking for the elusive “soul mate.” It’s just such a sad place to visit. So many people wanting something so desperately that even if that something should cross their path they wouldn’t recognize it since they’re so blinded by wanting it. They get so into the mindset of looking for their ideal that the real world becomes a mere shadow.

As Mr. Spock said, “Sometimes having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true.”

A lot of the pain we face in life comes down to wanting what we don’t have. Maybe even all of it. Wanting is a function of thought. It’s disconnected from reality. It involves imagining a situation that would be better than the one you have right now and lamenting your current situation for not being like the thing you’ve imagined. Dating sucks**, generally, because we’ve been steeped in a culture that celebrates romantic love as the ultimate pleasure, yet in reality romantic love is an elusive thing that, even when actually experienced, has a lot of aspects that are not anything close to ultimate pleasure.

Zen teacher Shunryu Suzuki, author of Zen Mind Beginner’s Mind, only once gave dating advice. He said, “It’s all right to have as many sex partners as you like, as long as you can remember all of their names.” I think that’s an interesting piece of advice.

He said this at a talk in San Francisco in the late Sixties when free love was all the rage. He knew his audience were not going to turn to celibacy or even get married as Suzuki had three times. And anyhow, he didn’t think it was crucial that they did. But he did think it was crucial that they entered into each relationship with full conscious awareness.

I don’t like to use the word “mindfulness” to describe this kind of awareness because it has been driven into the ground through overuse by people who have no clue what mindfulness means. It does not mean, “thinking about stuff a whole lot.” It means paying full attention with body and mind. It has nothing at all to do with thought. Thought is only an infinitesimally tiny part of what we mean by the word “mind” in Buddhist philosophy.

Casual sex is not the Buddhist way. Which is not to say that sex has to always be a heavy activity fraught with meaning. But it does mean that sex ought to be handled with care. It has a deeper meaning, whether we’re aware of it or not.

A woman told me recently that when a man penetrates her physically she feels like she takes on his karma. That’s not exactly how I’d have stated it. But I believe what she said is true. And the same goes for a man, who also draws energy and karma from his partner. The identical sort of interaction happens between same-sex couples and in multi-partner situations as well, of course. This sort of thing should not be approached casually.

We’ve come too far culturally and historically to need to be very concerned with who the Buddha would fuck. Yet Buddhist philosophy and practice has a lot to tell us about how we can conduct our own sex lives in a conscious and careful manner.

By the way, uh, unicorns!

* This is sarcasm.
** This I know very well, right now.

Brad Warner is the author of Hardcore Zen and Sit Down and Shut Up! and the newest Zen Wrapped in Karma Dipped in Chocolate. He maintains a blog about Buddhist stuff and a MySpace page too. If you're in Southern California and you want to try some Zazen for yourself, he has a group that meets every Saturday in Santa Monica.

Buy the new CD by his band Zero Defex at CD Baby now!

The most horrifying moment for me in my life as a dating expert was the moment I realized that most of the advice I had spent years dismissing as trite clichés was 100% true.

* "Be yourself." Check.

* "Don't over-think things." Check.

* "Don't have sex on the first date." Okay, that one I don't buy into yet. But I'm at the point where I could be convinced, which is something, I guess.

Still, it's embarrassing. I put a lot of hours in, after all: reading books, wondering if I'll ever get laid, going on dates, getting laid, talking to strangers about their boy and/or girlfriend problems, wondering if I'll ever get laid again, lying awake in bed next to the Wrong Girl thinking "How did this happen AGAIN?"

With all that experience, I feel I should have something more insightful to say than "Be honest" or "Know what you want."

That's the trouble with the truth. Even if it's a cliché, it stays true, whether we want to hear it or not.

You wouldn't know it from reading this column, but I'm not a big fan of giving unsolicited advice (*). Unless someone really wants my opinion, I dodge casual requests for guidance like Spider-Man evading pumpkin bombs. I'll use every conversational tool at my disposal to avoid answering from "What do YOU think you should do?" to "Boy, I could sure use a bite to eat right now" to "Sorry, I wasn't listening. I was busy picturing you naked (**)."

The truth is, even when they ask for it, most people don't want to hear advice. Ninety percent of the time, they know perfectly well what they need to do. They don't want guidance; they want support and reassurance. They want to hear that they're an okay person and that the bad things that keep happening aren't their fault. Sometimes they don't want to hear anything. Sometimes, they just want someone to listen. (Another cliché. God damn it!)

Most days, I try and do just that. But every once in a while, I am consumed by the urge to impress someone and I can't resist sticking my oar in the water.

"You can't love someone else until you can love yourself," I'll say cheerfully. "Dating is a numbers game. Put yourself out there."

I'm kind of an asshole sometimes.

The weird thing is, often one of those clichés will be the exact right advice for that person. And boy do they ever hate it.

"Put yourself out there!" They'll sputter. "That's your dating advice? That's trite!"

It's IS trite. It's been said a million times or more since the dawn of time. Yet people don't do it. Then they wonder why they're not getting what they want. And when a likable, talented, sexually irresistible dating writer tells them why they aren't getting what they want, they get mad at the advice (***).

We've all done it. Why? Because we don't just want advice. We want SPECIAL advice.

We want to believe our problems are more dramatic or different or more insurmountable that other people's problems. We don't want the 'be yourself' breadcrumbs that feed the plebes. We want unique advice as befits our station. Better yet, we want advice that will let us keep doing what we're doing and somehow give us different results. And if it blames some nebulous group (women, men, media steretypes and/or the Delaware Union of Shoemakers & Chimney Sweeps are my personal faves) instead of holding us personally accountable, that would also be a bonus.

The trouble is, the simple stuff is what works. As advice goes, "eat properly and exercise" sounds banal, but it's the only healthy way to get in shape. Similarly, if you want successful relationships, you're going to have to do the things people in successful relationships do.

There are no short-cuts. No argument will change the truth. You can't run from the devil in your own back pocket.

Here's another true thing, I've learned: Advice does you no good unless you test it for yourself. Reading it won't help. Thinking about it won't help. Debating it on the internet won't help. You have to try things and see if they work for you.

That's why I'm grateful for the time I put into dating, even if in some ways, it led me right back to where I started in the first place. There really is no substitute for experience.

That's a cliché I can get behind.


(*) I'm also not so good at TAKING unsolicited advice, so I guess it evens out.

(**) Not for use on close family members.

(***) Sometimes they get mad at the writer. But he IS kind of an asshole.



Dan Brodribb is a professional stand-up comic and writer. He is currently working on a book called Dating for Shy Guys. Learn more about him at: danbrodribb.blogspot.com.

Remember a few weeks ago when we talked about how a lot of men tend to slot women into two categories? Well a lot of guys also split men into two groups when it comes to women: nice guys and jerks (*).

Women love jerks, the wisdom goes, while nice guys can't catch a break. (Quick aside: we're using "nice" vs. "jerk" in the "decent" vs. "dirt bag" sense of the words, as opposed to "passive" vs. "assertive," which is another issue entirely.) What I find interesting is that almost every guy who makes this distinction puts himself into the nice guy category.

I certainly did. The first time was when I was 17, listening to a girl I knew (Yes, I DID secretly have a crush on her -- thanks for asking) complain about the guy she was dating. I remember promising myself, if and when I ever got a girlfriend, I would never do any of the things she was complaining about. I would return her calls promptly. I would always ask her what's wrong. I would never push for sex or get drunk and throw up on the upholstery of her parents' Chrysler.

But of course, I DIDN'T have a girlfriend. And my future prospects, quite frankly, were bleak. My greatest fear was that I would not lose my virginity before Guns N Roses released their Chinese Democracy album (**).

I decided women only liked guys that treated them like crap. Since I never treated women badly, it was clear what my problem was: I was too good a person.

Does this sound familiar to anybody? You hear it all the time. Guys blaming their romantic woes on those other jerky guys out there or those women who are too dumb to recognize a decent guy when he's staring her in the face (not to mention watering her plants when she's on vacation). His problem, he'll tell you, is that he is too awesome. He'd have a girlfriend right now, if only he wasn't so much better than other people (***).

It was a convenient excuse. The only catch? It isn't true.

Attraction is amoral. It doesn't give a shit about nice guys or jerks. Attraction only cares about "yes" or "no" (****).

There is a theory that women are genetically disposed to go after jerks because jerks tend to die young in hunting accidents, soccer riots, or misadventures starting with the words, "Twenty bucks says you won't..." Making them attractive is biology's way of making sure their idiot genes survive to provide cannon fodder for future generations. As she ages, a woman takes stock of the guys who are still around -- nice guys all -- and spends the rest of her life with one of them.

I was sharing this with a self-proclaimed nice guy and he looked at me and said, "Yeah, but by then she isn't PRETTY anymore."

Nice guys aren't always as nice as they think they are.

It's easy to assume the moral high ground when you don't have anything at stake. I had no problems telling myself how I would or wouldn't behave in a relationship when I wasn't actually IN a relationship.

A girlfriend is the answer to all your life's problems when you don't have one. But once you're getting laid regularly, it's shocking how fast your thoughts go from "Holy Crap, I got the girl" to "I wonder if I can get another one." And when you've had your heart broken a few times, it's also incredibly easy to justify dubious behavior by telling yourself: "Hey, it's my TURN."

That's when you appreciate the women willing to call you on your bullshit. But they aren't always going to be there. Sometimes, you have to do things on your own.

Relationship dilemmas are good problems to have. They force you to decide what's important to you. They also force you to face the consequences of your choices. If you're wise, you'll take the opportunity to learn. If you're unwise...well, life has a way of throwing the same lesson at you over and over until you get the picture.

We self-proclaimed nice guys aren't always the men we think we are. But we can get there eventually. And when we do, the right women appreciate us for it.

Which is good because the right women tend to be prettier than you might think.


(*) Some single women also split guys into two categories, only they usually go with "jerks" or "married/gay."

(**) As it turns out, I needn't have worried. I made it with years to spare, although that's more a testament to Axl's creative persnicketiness than my romantic abilities.

(***) This isn't exclusively a guy thing. Women drink the same poison when they draw water from the "men love bitches" well. But since I haven't found a way to write a gender-and sexual-orientation-neutral article that isn't bland, wishy-washy, or outright confusing, we're going to stick with hetero males. If you're interests lie elsewhere, feel free to substitute pronouns as needed with my compliments.

(****) In fact, cross-culturally, the jury is still out on whether or not "attraction" is a valid reason for hooking up. North Americans dig it, but there are plenty of other cultures that believe being a slave to attraction is a good way to make yourself miserable.


Dan Brodribb is a professional stand-up comic and writer. He is currently working on a book called Dating for Shy Guys. Learn more about him at: danbrodribb.blogspot.com.

If you are one of those nice guys who is afraid to make a move on a woman for fear of offending her, I have an assignment for you: Buy a copy of the Pussycat Dolls first album -- or hit play above -- and listen to the song "Buttons" until your brain dribbles out your ears ("Take a chance to recognize that this could be yours..." *).

Then get the following six words tattooed on your chest like Guy Pearce in Memento giving himself instructions on what to with John G (**): The man leads. The woman dances.

Every time I say those six words the sensitive, new age guy inside me dies a little (***), but the pattern is too consistent to ignore. Women are attracted to guys who aren't afraid to assert themselves. You see it in evolutionary psychology textbooks. You see it in trashy romance novels. You see it on
CraigsList.

More importantly, you will see it in the world around you.

Women don't need men to take charge. They're perfectly capable of opening their own doors, making their own money, and giving themselves their own orgasms. In some cases, they even do a better job. They just like to know you can do it should the situation arise.

Yes, there are exceptions, and certainly, relationships change over time. But at the beginning at least, the song remains the same: The man has to show he's willing to take control. The woman has to be willing to surrender it.

Romance is like taking a car ride, with the guy sitting in the driver's seat and the woman riding shotgun. The man has no grounds for complaint that the car isn't moving if he's just going to sit there and wait for it to start driving itself. At the same time, the guy can't drive if the woman won't let go of the damn steering wheel.

This was driven home to me the other night after a phone call with a cute redhead I met a couple nights ago at a bar. We spent the evening head-to-head talking, completely ignoring our respective friends.

But my follow-up call was a disappointment. It was a nice conversation, but it was missing the electricity of our first meeting. Hanging up the phone, I felt a weird disappointment. And so, I suspect did she.

At first I thought I'd misjudged her. Maybe she wasn't as cool as I thought she was. But as I replayed the call in my head, I realized the problem was me.

Unlike in the bar, I hadn't brought any of myself into the phone call. I had just drifted along agreeing with whatever she said, even if it wasn't conversation that interested me. Granted, I was distracted by her voice, which was slow and smoky and seemed to slide along my skin leaving a curious tingling feeling in its wake. But all the excuses in the world don't change the facts.

I had stopped leading. And with no lead, she had no idea how to dance for me. So she had to guess. And in guessing, she stumbled.

Guys, you have to lead. The amount of leading you will have to do depends on the woman, but at some point, you are going to have to show you are able to take charge. There are a number of specific ways you can do this. I've divided them into three categories (****).

1. Conversational: Approaching and talking to her, asking her out, proposing marriage, etc.

2. Physical: taking her hand, kissing her, removing her bra one-handed in the dark, etc.(*****)

3. Environmental: planning dates, finding parking, peeling her away from her annoying friends, etc.

Leading isn't always fun. Romantic roles in general can be frustrating, especially if they don't happen to align with your particular personality. As a shy guy, I'm not always comfortable taking charge. And I know a lot of women who are terrified at the thought of giving up control.

But there are times we need to learn to do those things. Not just for dating success, but for success in life. It's also why we should be grateful for the people who teach us those lessons.

Even if those people happen to be the Pussycat Dolls. Especially if it happens to be the Pussycat Dolls. After all, not everyone gives advice you can dance to.


(*) A lot of my dating wisdom comes from the Pussycat Dolls. I have an entire manifesto written for women based on the song "Don't Cha." Here's the short version: "Don't take us for granted and keep the blow jobs coming."

(**) I'd like to dedicate an entire column one day to Memento-style tattoos for dating. So far I have, "The Man Leads; The Woman Dances," "Sheila F. married your brother -- don't fuck her, even if she asks you," and "Socks come off before underwear or you look like a jackass." Reader suggestions are welcome.

(***) Good. I hate that guy.

(**** ) I have spreadsheets and everything.

(*****) If you need help, practice at home with a blindfold, a training bra and a life size cardboard cutout of Boba Fett. You'll be a sex Jedi in no time.


Dan Brodribb is a professional stand-up comic and writer. He is currently working on a book called Dating for Shy Guys. Learn more about him at: danbrodribb.blogspot.com.

I wasn't born a dating expert. I do (or have done) many other interesting jobs: stand-up comic, crisis worker (*), substitute teacher, martial arts instructor, video store clerk, and heavy metal musician.

One of my favorite gigs was working as a commentator for an indy pro-wrestling show. The after-parties were great. No one can party like professional wrestlers. If you enjoy crazy stories and a superhuman tolerance for alcohol, wrestlers are your huckleberry.

On the less fun side, being in a locker room of tall, tanned, muscular Adonises plays havoc with the body image.

I'll be honest; being around these guys brought out a lot of my insecurities. They were skilled, athletic, and extroverted. I was a skinny, short guy whose only contribution to the show was holding a microphone and bursting into self-righteous histrionics when one of the bad guys bonked one of the good guys on the melon with a chair.

One night though, that changed. I was standing in a nightclub with a guy I'll call the Champ when we both happened to notice a girl on the dance floor doing some very interesting things with her hips.

I love women who know how to move their bodies to the music. Judging from the Champ's expression, I wasn't the only one.

"She is so hot," he said.

"Why don't you go over and talk to her?" I suggested.

I'll never forget the look the Champ gave me. He looked like I'd asked him to sprout wings and fly to Mars.

That's when it hit me.

The Champ can't approach women.

It was a dizzying realization. Here was a guy at the top of his profession. He's toured the world. He can body slam with the best of them. He can make a crowd fall in love with him or turn against him with a few words and a gesture. He lives a life that most guys can only imagine in their dreams.

Yet at this moment, in this bar, I can do something he can't.

There are two points to this story. The first has to do with approaching strange women in bars, and we're going to leave that one for another day. In the meantime, meditate on the idea that macking da honeys is both easier and harder than it looks. Like the Dagobah Cave in Empire Strikes Back, all you will find is what you bring with you.

The second lesson has to do with comparing yourself to other people: Don't do it.

Comparisons are a natural temptation. It's human nature to look around and see where we stack up. For some of us, some of the time, this can be helpful and provide motivation.

But for most of us, most of the time, it's a bad idea.

Firstly, when you start making comparisons, you are measuring yourself by other people instead of by your own standards. I did that for a lot of years, and it left me pretty miserable. It wasn't until I started blazing my own trail that I really found out how much joy I could find just in being alive.

Secondly, there's no way you can win. If the people around you are 'better' than you, you get depressed. If you're 'better' than them...well, that's because they suck. And as soon as they go away, you're nothing again until someone shows up to compare yourself to (**).

And finally, it's because...you never know. The guy at the bar with the two hundred dollar Ed Hardy t-shirt and the ridiculous hair might look like he's got it all figured out, but chances are he has just as many problems as you do, especially when it comes down to women (***). There are guys who do well with women and guys who don't, and you can't always tell which is which just by looking.

Do the things that make you happy, walk your own path, and the right women will be there. You might not be a pro-wrestler. You might not even be a dating expert with self-esteem issues.

But you're you. And that's more than enough.


(*) One of my specialties...suicide prevention. Isn't it ironic, don't ya think? I wonder if I can write off my membership to this site as professional development.

(**) By the bye, there's another, more insidious form of comparison which comes from comparing yourself to the person you think you should be. If this is you, remember that as adults we have freedom, power, and choice. And with that freedom comes the right to f--k things up, dust ourselves off, forgive ourselves, and laugh about it without some whiny voice in the back of our heads going: "You idiot, a real man would have at least TALKED to her!"

(***) In the words of one famous rapper: "I got a ninety-nine problems and at least twenty or thirty of them are bitch-related."


Dan Brodribb is a professional stand-up comic and writer. He is currently working on a book called Dating for Shy Guys. Learn more about him at: danbrodribb.blogspot.com.

Here's a little piece of advice, mostly for the ladies, but boys – take it as you will.

When filing for divorce, and you aren't yourself a lawyer, trained in any legal lexicon, and are sort of a basket case to begin with, don't try to decipher the jargon on the paperwork while you are PMSing and just ran out of cupcakes. In fact, don't do anything but acquire more cupcakes and an extra, Costco-sized jug of Midol. Do not try to explain to your ex why these papers are so important, and how there is a strict timeline in which things need to occur. Do not have a meltdown when things do not happen EXACTLY your way. Keep in mind, you are not currently dealing with a rational set of emotional tools, nor are you dealing with another rational human. You're dealing with an ex.

I'm not saying that ex's are all evil horrific beasties. They don't all have to be shot on sight. The process of "Becoming An Ex" is something that we have all experienced. People change once they become an ex. It's a fast and slick metamorphosis, and happens instantly once the words "We need to talk" are said. Next thing you know, you're realizing that the person you thought you knew has gone utterly and completely insane, or perhaps has been insane the entire time and just tricked you into thinking otherwise.

One night I got home from work and a recent ex was sitting on my porch, looking furious. Apparently, Mr. Mad had broken into my house to sift through my trashcan for "evidence". Evidence of what? That I throw shit away and don't always recycle? Was he expecting to find some great revelation as to why we broke up, buried in with my food scraps and take out containers? We broke up because he was driving me nuts and I thought he was a moron. Maybe somewhere deep down inside I knew that he was eventually going to turn into the type of person that would break into my house to dig through my trashcans.

On another night, many years later, I was woken up at about 4:30 AM to a sound on my porch. I opened the curtains, and saw (another) fresh ex. This one was sitting there doing bumps of coke. It was the equivalent of him saying, "Guess what! I'm a drug addict! Surprise!!" When I opened the door, and politely asked what the fuck he was doing there, his only reply was that he was waiting for me to wake up. In his amphetamine-addled little mind, my 6 AM wakeup would be the perfect time to have the “please get back together with me” chat. Unfortunately for him, it didn't work out as planned. Rather than getting back together, I closed the door and called the cops.

Know what I learned from all of that? People usually aren't who they seem to be, and I should have bought a better fucking lock for my gate years ago.
The grieving period post-breakup is what seems to force people into a bout of the loonies, and whomever initiated the split is obliged to stand there saying, "Oh wow, you're suddenly completely insane now that we have broken up!" Sometimes this can lead into dumpster-diving, coke-snorting middle of the night visits… sometimes this causes endless email and phone calls… and sometimes this causes trash-talking and rumors. Whatever the case may be, I've only ever heard of one break up that went smoothly, where both parties shook hands and said, "Well, at least we tried."

The thing is, we've all tried, and yet we continue to allow this cycle of lunacy. Does this mean that we actually want smooth sailing? Or would that just leave us bored? It seems to me that we all enjoy the agony and the ecstasy of it all. Anguish is just as strong of an emotion as love, and the good can't feel as good without the bad.

So go ahead. Go dig through your old emails, and leave your gates unlocked. We've all been on the other end of it – we've all sent those emails and letters, we've all dialed the phone and hung up as soon as the other person answered (well, at least until caller ID came about), and we're all going to keep doing it. It makes us feel a bit cinematic, and also gives our friends something to laugh about. In all honesty, even if we knew what a wing nut someone we are involved with will become once it's over and done with, wouldn't we still go for it?