The biggest story at New York Comic Con turned out not to be. I didn't hear a single fan whining that the headlining guest, J. Michael Straczynski, had pulled out of the convention. JMS recently scored a BAFTA nomination for his work on Changeling, and the award ceremony in London turned out to be the same weekend as the New York con. Looking through the program at all the signings and panels they had scheduled him for, I expected it to be a bigger deal. I guess comics fans were more concerned with the creators who were actually there.

Bryan Lee O'Malley, for example. The 29 year-old artist and writer of the Scott Pilgrim series of graphic novels has finally achieved rockstar status, if the lines around the Oni Press booth for his signings were any indication. The New York Times apparently thinks so, too: their Comic Con write-up gave more space to Scott Pilgrim than everything else put together. I picked up the freshly-released fifth volume of the series, and I can tell you that Mal deserves all the praise he's getting. The buzz wasn't just about the book, though: Scott Pilgrim is also soon to be a movie starring Michael Cera and directed by Edgar Wright (Hot Fuzz, Shaun of the Dead).

For indie creators, getting booth space was a main concern. I heard artists talking about the challenge of landing a spot in Artist Alley, which seemed to have a handful of empty spaces despite rumors of a waiting list to get in. It's easy to feel snubbed when you see empty tables for the taking, and your only option is to shell out a lot of money for a spot in the small press area that you probably won't recoup before the weekend is over.

Some people took to the con floor as nomads, spreading the word about their books on foot. One of them was Brendan McGinley, the dapper, tuxedo-sporting writer of the Image Shadowline webcomic Hannibal Goes to Rome. Although he didn't have a table, Brendan sold a bunch of copies of his humor anthology, DOSE. It's hard to say no to a gregarious, smartly-dressed guy with a money-back guarantee, especially when what he's selling is really freaking funny. By the end of the weekend, no one had asked for their money back.

Everyone at the con also seemed to be watching the Watchmen. I saw maybe a dozen Rorschach cosplayers, and free reprints of the first issue were lying everywhere. All the vendors at the con were pushing the Watchmen graphic novel and various movie companion books. The only book I saw more of was that ubiquitous Obama/Spider-Man crossover. If you don't have it, don't bother. It's not good, but it was selling at anywhere from 4 bucks to 20.

Webcomics were also huge at NYCC. DC's web imprint, ZudaComics, set up shop in a corner of the huge DC booth. Past winners of the Zuda competition, who all have graphic novels coming out soon, rotated through the booth all weekend and drew a good-sized crowd. Dumbrella, home of original webcomics like R. Stevens' Diesel Sweeties and Meredith Gran's Octopus Pie, also had a hobo-themed booth, complete with flaming trashcan. Despite their recession-inspired styling, the Dumbrella guys did seem to be moving a lot of books and tees. Forget the JMS no-show, this is the real biggest story of NYCC '09: keep an eye on web-based comic distribution this year. I have a feeling that the shift to reading even mainstream books online starts now.

One does not know terror until one walks the floor of Comic Con San Diego. There are poor bastards walking around dressed like Wookies, many soldiers from the future and a surprising number of attractive lady nerds in small outfits to drive the male nerds insane.

I was a witness to much female male nerd interaction. In the Suicide Girls booth there was a constant and epic display of no social skills. One gentleman slid up and asked Nixon if he could get a photo, while he stared at the floor. She said yes, and you could tell he was excited because he glanced up for a moment. I told him I would take the picture and he crept up near Nixon. I raised the camera for the shot, while dude kept staring at the ground. He is now the proud owner of a picture of himself, standing next to Nixon, as he hunches over and looks at the ground. Just what every boy wants to masturbate to.

While walking the floor with a friend, we came across two young women, obviously hired by a company to bring attention to their booth. The young women were in skimpy bikini outfits, and holding foam spears. They were obviously slightly dangerous jungle women of some sort. My friend thought it was amusing and asked to take a picture. That’s when the guy in charge of the booth said, “Get in line.” At that point we became aware of a line of a couple hundred sad gentleman, all waiting eagerly to have a picture taken with two women, who are sad actresses working at a Comic Con dressed up like jungle women, because they are not actually the real characters from the game. So, two hundred fellas were waiting in line to get a picture with two women because they were in small outfits. I cried for them.

I also have to report a wizard is asleep right now on the second floor in front of room 5B. I’m not sure how that works. I think wizards sleep for a couple hundred years once they nod off.

And I saw the Batman movie before I came down here. I am saddened to have to report that the Joker has put on a shitload of weight, and in one case was seen arguing with his girlfriend, who is some sort of garden nymph. I didn’t even know he was seeing someone.

Good times at the Con.

Well, I was supposed to arrive in San Diego today and make my way to Comic Con. The powers that be at SG paid my way and in exchange, I am supposed to write updates of the goings on. Holy shit did that not happen.

I missed the convention today because the Hyatt decided it would be an awesome idea to allow some guy to change the name on my reservation and put some other dude in the room. You know, the room SG paid for. Brilliant booking and management by the Hyatt. I was quite impressed. So, I spent the day wandering around from bar to bar, while some of the SG staff wasted their time dealing with the Hyatt's douchebag and very unapologetic manager, Adolpho Calvillo. Adolpho used such awesome phrases as, "Hey, if it was our fault..."

Dude, you changed the name on a reservation. That's the definition of "your fault."

Anyway, now I'm in my room and the room stealer is on the street. That only took four hours. The manager, Adolpho, really was a douchebag. But not to me, he was complete asshole to the lovely Viquiv, who did not on any way deserve his bullshit. So, if you're ever in San Diego, be sure not to stay at the Manchester Grand Hyatt, because they may just give your room away to a random dude and then act like assholes about it.

So, sadly this is all I know about Comic Con. Dudes were several rows deep to get just a glimpse of an SG. It was described as "insane."

On the train to SD, I saw a gentleman reading a novel with a dragon on the front and immediately understood that he was probably never going to feel the inside of a woman. He was really a sad case. But I was happy for him, because he has this weekend. Dudes like him get to rule the world and become a massive tribe, crawling the streets of San Diego for four fucking days. It's a God damn great thing. I have seen many of his kind wandering the streets today.

An entire family of five dressed up like The Flash? You're God damn right. That's how shit rolls around these parts. A woman in a bathing suit and goggles? Why the fuck not? It's Comic Con. Lots of guys wandering the streets in V masks, scaring old ladies? Oh, yes. How about an overweight Batman, sitting on a lawn, smoking a cigarette? Fuckin' A right.

I bumped into Patton Oswalt in the Marriot Lobby. He was on his way to a Mystery Science Theater show. Tomorrow the Comedians of Comedy will perform and there will also be a Sarah Silverman panel.

As of now, the parties are beginning. The movie studios have pretty much ruined Comic Con and William Morris is throwing a big bash tonight. It's very Hollywood - exactly what this convention should not be. It should be about the dude I saw on the train. Those guys should have one week a year where they get to be kings without every dick from Hollywood descending on the town and turning it into a giant movie commercial.

Now, I'm off to that William Morris party.

My train ride to Comic-Con from Los Angeles was filled with Hollywood fucks, talking too loudly on their cell phones, bitching out their assistants, and trying to impress each other with how many scripts they had brought along to read.

Oh man, I thought, is this what Comic-Con is going to be like? A bunch of industry douchebags who think we're just a big focus group of nerds?

My fears appeared to be realized when I opened up McPaper, and read a story on page one of the Life section all about how Hollywood executives come down to Comic-Con to use the largest gathering of Nerds this side of Mos Eisley Spaceport as a giant focus group.

The article mentioned something about a movie called Watchmen, which was about "a slain superhero."

Oh for fuck's sake. Why not just call Star Wars a movie about "a captured princess"?

I read my book (the 2007 Nebula Awards Showcase, for those of you scoring at home), turned on my noise canceling headphones, and did my best to lose myself in Dark Side of the Moon and the planet Mars. Hrm, come to think of it, that's what people have been doing with Dark Side of the Moon since it was released in 1973.

Once I arrived at Comic-Con, my fears were put entirely to rest. My fellow geeks were everywhere: guys with ponytails and trench coats, mostly-naked women and the men who think they have a chance to score with them, and some of the most elaborate and awesome Transformers costumes I've ever seen. After suffering through the highest concentration of Hollywood fuckery I've seen in a decade, it felt good to be back among my people, even if the Hollywood fucks just thought of us all as a giant focus group and invaded our party as a result.

This makes me wonder something: if we actually are a huge focus group, wouldn't they, you know, listen to us? We're not just a huge market with a lot of disposable income for you to exploit; we actually care about this stuff, and if you keep fucking it up, we're going to stop buying it. Think I’m bluffing? Go talk to anyone associated with Elektra. Or Captain America. Or Fantastic Four. Or Ghostrider. Or League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Or Daredevil.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Lord of the Rings proved that it’s possible to please the geeks and the mainstream audiences by simply serving the story that’s endured for decades, not making it “fresh” or “new” or “dumbed down by an industry fuck because he’s too stupid to understand it.”

Now, it’s not entirely Hollywood's fault. It’s not that they don’t want to understand us, it’s that they’re incapable of understanding us. A studio fuck who wants to bury his face in a mountain of blow while two whores he picked up at the Rainbow Room spit on each other doesn’t live in the same world as a comic book geek who wants to bury his face in the collected works of Neil Gaiman while his girlfriend gets dressed up as slave girl Leia.

For those executives, I present a very brief, very simple primer in understanding geeks: We want this stuff to be done right because we’ve lived it for our entire lives and know it better than any of you ever will. We’ve played with the action figures and written the fan fiction and crammed fifteen of our friends into the hotel room so we could afford to go to the conventions where we buy T-shirts that say HAN SHOT FIRST because, goddammit, this stuff is our lives. Before we could talk to girls, there was Princess Leia. Before we had cars, there was the Batmobile. Before we could find escape from the horrors of modren life in a bottle, we escaped into the pages of comic books and science fiction magazines.

These stories that you buy and put on the big screen may just be numbers on a yearly accounting to you, but they are more than that to us. To us, they are something that brings us together and makes us part of an exclusive (and frequently stinky, unfortunately) club.

For example, while I walked down the middle aisle of the convention hall on Thursday, I passed a huge Lucasfilm booth. A scene from Star Wars played on a giant LCD screen: Darth Vader tells Grand Moff Tarkin that he senses something he hasn’t sensed in a long time. Without even thinking about it, I spoke along with Vader as he said, “Obi-Wan is here. The Force is with him!” There were about two dozen Star Wars Geeks watching the scene. All of us unselfconsciously spoke the quote aloud, and then immediately grinned at the shared experience.

How many of us do you think were really excited to find out that the Force is a fuckin’ virus?

Batman Begins, Sin City, and V for Vendetta worked because the actors never overwhelmed the characters, and the screenplays were all true to the source material that made the comics worth optioning in the first place.

Hollywood faces its greatest challenge in the history of adapting comic books to movies with Watchmen. Many executives won’t understand what it’s about. Neither will their young, allegedly hip assistants they hired out of Harvard Business School.

If Hollywood really wants to do this right, and really doesn’t want to fuck it up, my advice is to listen to the focus group at Comic-Con. I mean, really listen, because if Hollywood fucks up Watchmen, there’s going to be a nerd riot so terrifying, it will be like a thousand studio executives cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

Wil Wheaton went to school with 27 Jennifers.

Set your phasers to FUN and roll some constitution checks because another week-long Nerdstock is nearly upon us.

Let me offer a "Shazam” to all the comic geeks, and a hearty "NUQNEH - NOOKNEHH" to all the Klingons. Let’s make this year the nerdiest yet.

Since 1998 I've watched in awe and horror through increasingly bloodshot eyes as Comic Con bloats larger, and larger -- like a brightly colored spandex-clad corpse ready to burst in the San Diego sun. Unfortunately this year, I think comic books, and their creators have been pushed into the parking lot to make room for Sony, Nintendo and Lions Gate.

The full schedule is up, visit the official website for full panel descriptions for Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

I don’t have much patience for big movie panels, but if they’re your thing then check out Dark Horizons because they did a fine job of listing some highlights. One presentation of note: Ridley Scott is doing one to support the upcoming fancy, new Blade Runner DVD. It will contain every version ever released and one new cut that has yet to be seen. That panel is 3:15-4:45 on Friday in Hall H.

Of course, check out the SuicideGirls while you're walking around. This year the SuicideGirls are are planting their flag at booth C6. You can get pictures with the girls, buy the SG magazine or just hang out.

If you want to help put the “comic” back into Comic Con then be sure to check out the following folks from this very site as you’re stomping around the wretched hive of scum and villainy:

Saturday at 12:30 Grant Morrison will be moderating a panel focusing on superstar artist, writer and SG member JH Williams. JH also has a table at booth 4601 in front of door E with many other fine comic creators.

Jamie McKelvie and writing partner Kieron Gillen will be signing their collected series Phonogram:

Those two fellas will be sharing a table with Frasier Irving (Gutsville) at the Image booth 2729. You won't find a table with cooler comics anywhere in the hall. Wonderful stuff.

SG member rikkitikitavi will be there hawking his new Tokyo Pop book Battle of the Bands.

The Mayor of Comic Books has some big anouncements (Zombies in 70's Porntatsic San Fernando Valley) and will be making a general nuisance of himself. Rick will be signing 100 limited edition XXXOMBIES movie posters at the Image Comics Booth (#2729) on Saturday between 2-3 PM

Brian Posehn, Remender and I will be signing The Last Christmas at Image Comics and then later on Saturday night Brian will be joined by his boyfriend Steve and the rest of the cast of the Sarah Silverman Program for a panel and screening. (Run to the costume contest after.)

Juliana will be signing at Image Sunday morning from 10 to 11 AM in support of the book she colorsTexas Strangers.

Lenore turns 10 this year - celebrate it by joining creator Roman Dirge on Thursday from 6-7 PM in Room 1AB .

Perpetually lurking SG member Phil Noto is debuting a limited hardback sketchbook. It’s amazing, and under-priced -- like everything Phil does. Here's the cover:

Phil and I will also be signing and giving away preview copies of a new book we’re doing together for Image Comics. (Last shameless plug for myself – I promise.) Phil can be found in the same block that JH Williams is setting up camp -- 4601.

If you're looking for something to do after the con on Saturday - what about Zoetica's big party?

This year’s gathering will undoubtedly be remembered for Warren Ellis' appearance. Ellis will be there for his comic book work and to celebrate the release of his new novel, Crooked Little Vein. Click here for Warren's complete San Diego schedule.

This year’s show will also be notable for someone who will be missed: Daniel Robert Epstein. Daniel loved the shit out of comic books, and Comic Con and this year should have been the first of many he was to attend as a comics professional. His posthumous comic book debut arrives soon in the original graphic novel The Toxic Avenger & Other Tromatic Tales.

The Epstein family has requested that in lieu of cards, gifts and flowers that Daniel’s fans consider making a donation in his name to the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund. The CBLDF is a non-profit organization that fights tirelessly for free speech. They primarily defend retailers against obscenity charges stemming from the sale of comic books in (mostly) red states. However, they have also defended creators too.

The fund has a big case going to trial in Georgia (surprise!) and will end up spending at least 80,000 dollars on behalf of the defendant. Retailer Gordon Lee is alleged to have brought culture to the Peach State.

If you’re at Comic Con next week you can find the CBLDF at booth 1831 or you can swing by the SG booth and make a donation at either location in Daniel’s name.

I apologize if there are any attending members or SG’s who were left out of this round up – please post your San Diego plans in this column’s comments.

One last word of advice for everyone: On Saturday Ray Bradbury is appearing from 4-5 PM in Room 6CDEF upstairs. He's joined by Ray Harryhausen. If you've never heard Bradbury speak, please take this opportunity to do so.

That's a wrap. I’ll see you at the bars. I'll be the guy shaming himself by yelling:

In drunkest day, in booziest night
No drink shall escape my sight
Let those who worship sobriety's might
Beware my power, Sam Adam's light!

Keep watching the Newswire for more comic book features including interviews with Matt Fraction, Paul Pope, Rick Remender and Ivan Brandon.

Gerry collects insane promotional comics of yore such as "Superman Meets The Quik Bunny" or "Captain America Vs Cigarettes"