In Vassalboro, a rural community in Maine, there was a time when one gas station was your only food source within the town's borders. Hungry? You can have a donut. And coffee.

That's still all you can find, but now you can look at boobs while you eat! I recently ducked into Grand View, a new topless coffee shop in the middle of nowhere that's getting quite a lot of attention from locals and the national media alike.

The waiting line extended out into the parking lot. My companions and I made it to the serving area within a fair span. The floor probably seats around fifty or sixty people. We were greeted by—surprise!—a long-time acquaintance of mine. Our small party approved of his friendliness and his shapely man-boobs.

I was impressed to see a reasonable range of body types, with both ladies and gents working the floor. (In a recent interview, the owner stated his policy wasn't just to hire '10s'.) Our server, G., flexed and posed while I craned my neck this and that way to look past him. I hope his feelings weren't hurt.

The waitresses boasted a range of breast sizes from tiny to medium-large. All were cute, smiling, and accessibly attractive. One of the waitresses had her nipples pierced, but a trick of the light made the left barbell hard to see. I falsely called "Padiddle."

A strange phenomenon I've noticed: people seem to have transcendental expectations of Grand View. Are they looking for the finest Green Mountain Coffee experience of their lives? Do they expect to be allowed to motorboat the servers? I don't know, but reviews have ranged from disappointed to lukewarm. I found the place fun and laid back, just my style. Sure, the place serves gas station coffee and donuts, but it does so with big big smiles and big big personality and...you get my drift. I vote for a topless laundromat next. In my building. Now, please.

If you're in the area, if casual business brings anybody this far into the Maine woods, stop in and cool your heels at Grand View!

How the hell is an independent coffee shop supposed to survive with twelve Starbucks located in the surrounding areas, the closest one only a half mile away?

If you're Rhonda and Jon Mallek, owners of the Fine Grind in Little Falls, NJ you'll put up this billboard.



As reported in the The New York Times, The Fine Grind has the usual coffee shop offerings; Internet access, fancy coffee and seasonal drinks. The Fine Grind had a loyal following as well.

And then Starbucks came to town.

Now it's totally possible that if the Mallek's customers are anything like me, they'll patronize both Starbucks and (places like) The Fine Grind. So, the Mallek's shouldn’t worry, right? Then again it's probably people like me who won't choose a side who are responsible for local businesses closing down.

There are about three local coffee shops in my neighborhood. All three coffee shops are within walking distance from my apartment. I try not to drive unless work related. The problem is that the independently owned coffee shops in my area don’t open early enough. Starbucks opens at 6 a.m. Starbucks' more elaborate drinks are pricey but a small coffee is $1.65 compared to the $3 that one independently owned coffee shop charges.

(For the sake of not putting everyone to sleep I'm omitting any details about how I also make coffee at my apartment to save money.)

This NY Times article mentioned websites such as I Hate Starbucks.com and We Hate Starbucks.com. I checked out both sites. I Hate Starbucks.com is in dire need of a web designer. I'm not a fan of white text on a black background. I could only spend ten seconds there.

There are some interesting yet impractical ideas on We Hate Starbucks (the web address is not actually wehatestarbucks.com.)

Have you heard of the game Starbucks Musical Chairs? It seems like a bit of a pain in the ass and I'm not sure how it sticks anything to "the man."

The rules involve buying a coffee at a mom-and-pop shop and disguising your cup with a Starbucks sticker. Players then keep inconspicuously switching seats in order to gain points and the first person to hit 100 points stands up and screams, "Help me! I've been Starbucked!" And then all of the players with their disguised drinks get up and leave.

The only reasonable tactic on We Hate Starbucks is the simple download of a letter titled, "Dear Coffee Drinker." The idea is to deliver it to folks sitting in a Starbucks or slap it up on the window in front of customers.

Here is one example of a few of the anti-Starbucks arguments made in the short letter:

(The website does note that in the last two years Starbucks has started to offer some official Fair Trade coffee.)

I'll admit I'm seduced by the sameness of every Starbucks. I know how my drinks will taste. I've grown to like my name on a cup. If I get lost and I see a Starbucks, I immediately feel safe. And for some reason I've bought into the fact that the baristas are happy and protected with their health insurance from working only part-time! But I think it's time for me to make a stand. No more Starbucks. From now on I'll support local business exclusively and write my own damn name on my cup.

Let's face it, you're either a lover or a hater. Myself, I can't help but drown myself in Starbucks coffee at every available opportunity. It's probably my biggest sin, and if I go to Hell it'll all be worth it.

Simply go to My Starbucks T-Shirt to create your favourite drink and see it in a fab design by Michael Knight of Project Catwalk. (Sorry, no Tall Skinny Bitchaccino available.)

Unfortunately, all of the free personalized shirts are gone. You can, however, still get your hands on a signed celebrity version and do something good for charity while you're at it.

You can bid on the celebrity tees at clothesoffourback.org. With names like Daniel Dae Kim (of Lost), Melina Kanakaredes (CSI: NY) and Seth Green on board, they will cost you a pretty penny. If you are happy to end up with lesser known names like Evan Ross the prices are still reasonable. In the end though, it's all for charity so if you can afford it and you want it don't hold back.

If you're broke, or have no interest in celebrity names you can always get a desktop or icon with your own drink. Want to know what mine is? You only get to know if you promise to treat me to one.

Clothes Off Our Back charity auctions are here.
Customise your drink here.

Seattle is to coffee like New York to cosmos, Tijuana to tequila, or like the entire state of Texas is to Steel Reserve—an ethno-diuretic association that refuses to go away. That said, while the glory days of Starbucks quickly fade, there's a new coffee trend taking over Seattle's suburbs that offers a different kind of pick-me-up: Sexpresso Bars. Because of the highly competitive cafe culture, coffee-houses like the Sweet Spot Cafe, Best Friend Espresso and Cowgirls Espresso are getting makeovers that come equipped with scantily clad baristas and saucy java concoctions like Wet Dream, Sexual Mix or Erotic Pleasure.

The Sweet Spot not only boasts "Wet T-Shirt Wednesdays," but also features nudie drawings on its cups, topped with lids sealed with (fake) pink-lipsticked kisses.

Well done Washington, well done. You have given new meaning to the phrase, "The best part of waking up..."

For better or for worse, Starbucks coffeehouses have become America's cultural outposts. Once you're out of America's urban centers, at least in the North East, there's town after town filled with nothing but strip malls and chain stores. In places where there's a Quiznos, Pizza Huts and Starbucks, Starbucks is only place you'll see someone crack a book.

In a way, it's heartening that there's an emerging book-friendly space like that in WalMart America. What's somewhat disconcerting is the cultural monopoly Starbucks could reap. If America wasn't growing increasingly averse to reading, there could be a serious danger that Starbucks would be in a position to dictate what America reads. And apparently, they realize that.

The burnt coffee ground giant is going to start selling books.

Well, one book: For One More Day, the latest by Oprah book club veteran and author of The Five People You Meet in Heaven and Tuesdays with Morrie, Mitch Albom. According to its Amazon description, the book "is the story of a mother and a son, and a relationship that covers a lifetime and beyond. It explores the question: What would you do if you could spend one more day with a lost loved one?" The book, which sounds like a companion piece to Tuesdays with Morrie, will no doubt require some 45 tear-absorbent tissues to crack the first chapter. Albom will also appear at a number of Starbucks stores on his book tour promoting the book.

Starbucks, who is already in the book business, via owning Seattle's Best Coffee, which has hundreds of locations in Border's Books and Music stores. Unlike Borders, Starbucks is only going to be offering one book, at least at first. Until they introduce more, which they may or may not do, For One More Day is going to be the literary representative of Starbucks. For lack of other options, the book's contents will represent the brand.

How awesome would it be if other chain restaurants picked a book to represent them? I'm thinking Ya Basta! Ten Years of the Zapatista Uprising by Subcomandante Marcos for Taco Bell. Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five would probably work at any burger joint just for the title, but there's something particularly fitting about it for McDonald's, I think. Burger King should have some dusty tome on the feudal system. Roy Roger's could offer a full range of Louis L'Amour, or offer Annie Proulx's story collection Close Range, which includes the original short story "Brokeback Mountain," in the interest of offering multicultural cowboy lit.

Wendy's has to therefore offer Gravity's Rainbow. Because somebody really should.