Flavored Cocaine: The Mythical Beast Revealed
It wasnt so long ago that I did a jokey little write-up on Booz2Go, a form of powdered alcohol recently developed in the Netherlands. The whole thing seemed relatively harmless, despite the fact the creators had added a lime flavoring so they could market it to children. Well, the latest evolution of powdered kid-baiting toxicity has begun to appear state-side, and its a lot less cute than 3% alcohol lime-fizz.
The Sacramento Bee reports that DEA agents in Yolo County, California recently impounded 3 pounds of strawberry and coconut flavored cocaine. Heavens! Why, oh why, would someone taint their precious stash?
Adding a flavor is seen by Yolo Narcotic Enforcement Team Cmdr. Roy Giorgi as "just another marketing tool."
When the flavored cocaine is inhaled through the nostrils, users say, the flavor can be tasted and smelled. "They said regular cocaine gives a medicine taste in the back of the throat when snorted," Giorgi said. "With the flavored, you get a strawberry taste."
Notice he pretends to have never tasted cocaine
sure, Roy. He knows as well as I do that blow tastes like the inside of the aspirin fairy's bitter butthole after a Campari colonic.
Flavored coke, you see, is one of those substances thats long been rumored to exist, though its authenticity has been difficult to gauge. Last fall TMZ, Defamer, and several other gossip sites ran a flurry of stories about Hollywoods obsession with strawberry-tinged booger sugar. Their sources suggest flavored varieties of the drug have been around forever, though the Yolo County bust is the only case of a large amount being seized by law enforcement.
Typically youd think candy flavorings are added to hook kids and teens, as is the case with Booz2Go and Strawberry Quik (flavored meth), and theyre usually priced accordingly. Even the newest form of heroin, called cheese, while not actually flavored, is being pushed towards our youth with its weird but innocuous name and low price-tag. Flavored yay, however, is fucking expensive:
[For 3 kilograms] agents paid $72,000, or $24,000 per kilogram.
The price of the drug is particularly worrisome, Giorgi said. A kilogram of pure normal cocaine from the same distributor cost about $16,000.
If the flavored version is as pure as normal cocaine, it means labs south of the border have figured out how to maintain the purity and add the flavor - something attempted in the past but never achieved.
Even though the price of non-flavored cocaine is dropping, one can only hope the high sticker price of the fruity kind will be an inhibitive factor for our oh-so-vulnerable youth. So unless your kids are celebrities or rich bastards (or sleeping with them), chances are they wont get their hands on this crap anyway. When the heroin dealers come up with something less repulsive sounding than cheese, however, we can all start worrying.
McDonald's Nose Candy?
It's all cute until somebody threatens a lawsuit. Quick recap: a couple of New York artsy-fartsy types took a bunch of McDonald's coffee stirrers which Ray Kroc and Co. haven't offered at their franchises for years bronze-cast them, dipped them in gold and sold them as "Cokespoon #2" for about $300.
According to a press release from Citizen-Citizen, an online art and design store that carried the spoons, the "luxury, made to order design objects" weren't just funny, chintzy collectibles they had artistic merit as well.
Cokespoon #2 is parody and commentary on how culture affects and sometimes dictates an objects status and function. It is a luxury, made to order design object by the renowned designer Tobias Wong and sometime collaborator, fashion designer Ken Courtney.
Apparently, the McDonald's corporation found out about the spoons and threatened legal action, citing intellectual property violations. Citizen-Citizen currently lists the item as discounted. "Cokespoon #1," a gold-plated pen cap, is still available.
It's not shocking that McDonald's got pissed. Do you think you can slap the McDonald's logo and signature arches on just anything? Coming to America isn't real you can't just say they're "arcs" and get away with it. It sucks, but it's a fact of life.
What surprised me was the legacy of the McDonald's coffee stirrers as drug paraphernalia. According to a couple of websites, McDonald's switched from the fanciful, long plastic spoons to the now-familiar flat stirrers because too many people were using the spoons to scoop coke into their nose. Assuming it was an urban legend, I dug into it as much as I could. And, evidently, it was true, as the following excerpt from a 1979 Associated Press article attests:
McDonald's is changing the design of its coffee stirrers because some drug users apparently have found another purpose for them.
The plastic mixer a long handle with a tiny spoon bowl on the end is similar to paraphernalia used by cocaine sniffers. They also reportedly are being used to inhale PCP, an animal tranquilizer with hallucinogenic properties.
Doug Timberlake, a spokesman for McDonald's Corp., said the fast-food chain decided to redesign its spoons because "it has been brought to our attention that people are using them illegally and illicity for purposes for which they are not intended."
Use of the chain's spoons was discussed recently at a U.S. subcommittee hearing of the Senate Judiciary Committee on proposed legislation to ban the sale of narcotics paraphernalia, Timberlake said.
The Carter-era Senate wasn't able to sever the McDonald's drug connection completely, of course. Word on the street is that McDonald's soda straws, if cut down to the right size, can still be used for snorting your powder of choice, and there's no one to stop you from saying "I'm loving it" afterwards or asking for your next line to be Super-Sized. (Except the fears of overdosing and addiction, of course. Drugs are bad, mm-kay?)
Snot Frosting: Cocaine Threatens Another Comeback
A man by the name of Rick James (may he rest in peace) once said on the Dave Chapelle Show, "Cocaine is a hell of a drug!" But then again, he said a number of ridiculous things during the duration of his life because 95-percent of the time he was fucked up on coke. But, then again, so was everyone else in the 80s.
Speaking of which, today's generation seems to be extremely influenced by the 80s. With our ever-so-fashion-oriented scenesters, and with all the new wave-retro-electronica music out nowadays, it's no secret that romanticizing 80s excess is cool again. However, depending on your personal habits, a not-so-good 80s influence that seems to be "blowing" up again is the drug cocainebetter known as coke, blow, white girl, snow, white-white or yay.
The President of Bolivia, Evo Morales, apparently has big plans for cocaine in his country as well. Plans which involve major expansion in regards to the legal production of coca (the main ingredient being, of course, cocaine) in Bolivia by more than 60-percent. Morales says he wants to fight against drug trafficking. Sure you do, buddy. Keep in mind Bolivia is the world's third largest producer of cocaine.
In wee little Scotland, the number of cocaine users has doubled in the past few years, rising from a mere 600 users in 2002 to over 1,200 in 2006. And this consensus is only counting the Scots that actually admitted to using cocaine. This still doesn't count all the closeted coke heads. Needless to say, Parliament is more than peeved about the number of Scots who'll be ringing in the new year with a Ziplock full of nose confetti. Parliament wants to end the winter-wonderland bender, get Scotland off of the powder and work on an assertive solution to the growing drug problem. As if Train Spotting didn't clue them in enough. Good luck, Scotland. I salute you!
In other cocaine news, WebMD says that cocaine is, quote, "The most abused major stimulant in America today." Doesn't sound like news to me. It seems that these days, everyone is dusting their noses. But the habit is pricey. Because you can't just have a bump of coke. You have to have a bump of coke and a joint. Or a hot rail and a white russian. It all ends the same waywith your life in shambles and your rent money down the shitter. So have fun all you lovers of the nose-nonsense...just don't come to my house and pawn my TV so you can become another statistic.
Another Celeb Tricked Into Taking Cocaine
Another heartless soul duped the gullible Janet Jackson yet again. This time we discover someone tricked Jackson into ingesting cocaine. Jackson claimed while on tour in Japan, she suffered from unbearable throat pain. A tricky Japanese doctor (who clearly wanted to take advantage of the naïve Jackson) promised the singer he could cure he pain with a special throat medication.
In a recent Los Angeles radio interview, the singer revealed, "He gave me some liquidy stuff and it helped me so much... It was in a vial."
Jackson later came to the shocking conclusion the medicine in the vial was not some over the counter shit---she took liquid cocaine.
Upon learning she had actually ingested cocaine, the singer admitted she "broke down into tears" when the medic offered her more medication.
She explained, "I started crying and told him to take it - that I didn't want it."
I guess Novacaine, Lidocaine, Xylocaine are all acceptable anesthetics, but Cocaine Hydrochloride, a legal, safe, and effective DEA-approved, physician administered medication freaked her shit out.
Janet Jackson, drug-free, bitches!
Kate Moss Avoids the Slammer
Kate Moss narrowly avoided prosecution on drug charges recently. Today, prosecutors in Great Britain announced the model will not face criminal charges even with video evidence showing Moss snorting lines in a London recording studio with her then-boyfriend, Pete Doherty, a notorious drug-user.
Last September, the U.K. tabloid Daily Mirror obtained photo stills and video of Moss cutting lines and snorting copious amounts of white powder. After the rag published the photos, Moss issued an apology for her actions, then checked into rehab. Upon being released from the Arizona clinic, Moss was questioned by authorities, but no arrests were made.
The Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) said there was an "absolutely clear indication" that the supermodel was using controlled drugs in photographs published by the Daily Mirror.
But because it was unclear whether the substance allegedly being abused was cocaine, ecstasy or amphetamine no further action could be taken.
British authorities claimed they have no direct evidence other than the video, and unless Moss admits to using drugs that evening, they cannot prove what she was snorting.
"In the absence of any forensic evidence, or direct eyewitness evidence about the substance in question, its precise nature could not be established. Ms. Moss declined to provide any explanation when interviewed, and the direct eyewitnesses also declined to provide evidence."
This development leads me to an important decision: should I decide to become a drug addict, I will abuse every possibly illegal substance, so when Im photographed with my face in a mirror and a straw up my nose, the police will have no way of telling what the fuck Im putting there. God Bless reasonable doubt.
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