When Canada wants to bring down a government, we go about it a little bit differently than some other countries. When we wanted to throw off the shackles of English rule, we asked politely. The Queen was nice enough to give us the right to change our Constitution without having to go and ask the Queen again. I suspect she just wanted us to finally leave her alone.

Now, after disappointing election and a go-nowhere session of Parliament, Canada's left wing parties have finally grown some balls and decided they've had enough. They've banded together to ask the Queen's representative, the Governor General, to allow them to take over.

For those of you who don't obsessively follow Canadian politics (ie: 99% of you), here's the rundown of what has happened so far:

Canada had an election back in October. Stephen Harper and the Conservative Party formed a minority government by winning 143 of Canada's 308 seats in Parliament. Stephane Dion and the Liberal Party suffered a catastrophic drop in numbers, going from 103 seats in 2006 to 77 in 2008. Quebec's separatist Bloc Quebecois came in thrid with 49 seats and the New Democratic Party finished fourth with 37. There are also two independents in Parliament but no one really pays any attention to them. This means that the Conservatives need the support of at least one of the other parties to put through any legislation or economic matters (known as votes of confidence). If they lose the confidence of Parliament they are no longer seen as being able to lead the country. But we'll come back to that in a minute.

Last week the Conservatives presented their economic statement. They outlined the state of the Canadian economy and introduced some extremely contentious acts under the guise of saving money. They suggested suspending the right to strike for public workers, stating that a stable civil service is necessary for survival during economic hard times. They suspended pay increases for many civil servants, including members of Parliament and senators. And, in what may have been the tipping point of the statement, they proposed eliminating the public funding subsidy currently available to political parties. Parties are given $1.95 for every vote they receive in a federal election. This provides a great deal of the party funding. Moving to strike public funding overwhelmingly favours the Conservatives who draw a great deal of money from private and corporate donations. The opposition parties also strongly objected to the lack of a financial stimulus package which they feel is necessary to prop up Canada's suffering auto and forestry industries.

So the opposition stands ready to defeat the Conservative government when the statement faces a confidence vote on Monday. If the government is defeated, Prime Minister Harper will be forced to go to the Governor General to inform her that he has lost the confidence of Parliament. Normally this would trigger an election but we just finished an election and the opposition parties have cooked up something brilliant and new.

They joined together to form a proposed coalition government. The Liberals and NDP have signed an agreement that would form a new government. The Bloc, while not officially part of the new government, have agreed to support it for at least 18 months. The coalition now awaits the official word from the Governor General.

Now, to answer the question being screamed all over the internet. "IS THIS LEGAL WTF OMG!?!?! HOW CAN THEY DO THIS?!?" Easily. While it is standard procedure for the Governor General to call a new election when a government loses confidence, it is not her only option.

She may consult with Parliament to see if there is another party who would have the confidence of Parliament. That is the solution currently being presented to her. Harper can also attempt to beat the coalition to the punch and ask the Governor General to suspend Parliament until January. The hope is to come back with a better proposal and to allow the coalition time to fall apart. The whole country now awaits the decision of Michaelle Jean who is on her way back from a tour of Europe. She is expected to meet with Harper tomorrow.

The thought of a coalition has sent waves of outrage across the country. I've personally been involved in half a dozen arguments with close friends over the issue. A handful of protesting Facebook groups have already sprung up and are seeing their memberships grow by the hour. I've even seen calls for the Western provinces (Alberta being a Conservative stronghold) to separate from Canada. The irony of calling for Western separation while railing against the separatist Bloc party is not lost on me.

No matter what happens, this has been one of the more interesting events in Canadian politics in recent years.


FreakPirate fully supports the formation of a coalition government. Unfortunately he seems to be among the minority of people who actually understand Canadian politics and has some common sense.

Canada's federal Leaders Debate has never seen a talk like this before. In a debate first, the official Leaders Debates (held October 1 in French and October 2 in English) were changed from a podium setup to a roundtable format. While this decision was partially motivated by space concerns after Elizabeth May, Leader of the Green Party, was confirmed as a participant, it made for an interesting discussion, actual personal replies, and -- at times -- more academic conversations, rather than country club cat fights.

For my own personal first, I live-blogged the English debate, and am here to offer you summaries of each party leader's performance –– y'know, because most of you were busy watching Biden and Palin.

Elizabeth May, Green Party - Winner
No one went into the debate with more hype than Elizabeth May, with the first few days of this election campaign centering around the question of her inclusion. In the French debate, May proved herself capably bilingual, and came off as a spunky -- if eccentric -- leader with a passion for her party's platform. In the English debate, May looked more the part of a political leader, and with excellent timing and delivery got in several bombs, including repeated queries directed at Stephen Harper about his as-yet nonexistent platform. She also championed election reform favouring proportional representation. However, her aptitude at speaking unscripted was known before the debate, while Dion's performance was more a surprise. Ultimately, May proved the Green party is here to stay in Canada.

Stephane Dion, Liberal - A Close Second
Surprising viewers, the little beanpole that could proved himself a true party leader and an actual force with an earnest platform in both the French and English debates. English has never been Dion's strong point, but he paced himself well, encountered few difficulties with vocabulary, and got his point across. Support for Dion leaped up several percentage points after the French debate, and it's likely to increase again in the next poll.

Jack Layton, New Democratic Party
Jack Layton's fear of Elizabeth May before the debate was obvious and expected, considering that the Greens' rise has resulted in fewer NDP supporters. Near the beginning of the English debate, however, he agreed with Elizabeth May several times, hinting at a possible future -- many, many years down the road -- with a Green-NDP alliance. Unfortunately, Layton is at best an average speaker, and won no points with his vague answers today.

Stephen Harper
If Canada's controversial incumbent proved anything in these debates, it is his unwavering ability to unite people against him. In both debates, but especially the English, the four other leaders tag-teamed, hitting Harper with snide remarks and attacks one after another. Meanwhile, the Ice King of Canada attempted to restrain himself, teach his facial muscles to smile, and perfect his family-man-who-wears-sweater-vests image. He really didn't succeed, and the fact that he takes credit for government achievements made before his time and fails to produce a party platform keeps him from (everyone's feared) world domination.

Gilles Duceppe - Bloc Quebecois
Well, Gilles Duceppe is nothing if not honest. In today's English debate he was quick to admit that he will never be Canada's Prime Minister, insisting that no one at the table but Stephen Harper would. Duceppe may be right about his political glass ceiling, but his passion for the arts and Quebec, as well as his vast knowledge of political facts and figures, does prove why he still leads the Bloc.

The 14 October federal election has only been announced for one day, but incidents of flying insults, accusations, and uses of the word "illegal" have already quadrupled. The Conservatives are worried. To their credit, they're recognized that they should be -- Prime Minister Stephen Harper began his election campaign with a sign saying "Yes, I'm breaking my own law, but let's not talk about that, so look what a great family man I am!"

If you're not sure of the details, here's how it went down. In May 2006, Harper passed his law establishing a fixed election date in Canada, set for October 2009. On Sunday, after weeks of Canadians wondering when he'd get around to it, Harper formally asked the Governor General to dissolve Parliament and call an election. In other words, he broke his own law. But because Canada is part of the Commonweatlh of Nations, we are subjects of Queen Elizabeth II (in formal tradition-keeping only), and Her Majesty's Canadian representative -- the Governor General -- did as Harper asked.

In the simplest terms? Harper used the Queen of England as a loophole to become, in a sense, "above the law."

With every federal election in Canada comes the much-loved Leaders' Catfight -- oops, I mean Debate. Until now, this debate has been closed to the Green Party and leader Elizabeth May, as the other four party leaders formed a pack mentality advocating the belief that since the Greens had no elected MP, they didn't belong in the Leaders' Debate. Nope, being a Leader is not enough, because the debate is really secretly called the We're Elected And You're Not Nah-Nah Debate. (It's just too damn long to say all the time, so they shortened it to "Leaders" upon reviewing the effectiveness of the schoolyard chants.)

The Green Party is entering this election with one Member of Parliament, thus meeting all requirements for the Leaders' Deabte. And yet they're still shut out. Three of the other four major parties have ganged up to show an impressive amount of schoolyard strategy, refusing to show up for the debate if Elizabeth May is allowed to participate.

Logic doesn't apply here. Other party leaders are terrified of May, a woman -- and a party -- they used to dismiss as "single-issue" and treat as the (so perceived by them) annoying little sister who always wants to play. While the older parties were busying ignoring, Elizabeth May quietly built strong foundations and a reputation as "Canada's Obama" in oration.

May doesn't use a teleprompter. She doesn't use cue cards. She just speaks, and everybody listens. I guess the new motto of the Canadian government old boys' club is, "If you can't beat 'em, mistreat 'em."

If you read this article, every last word, let it all sink in deep and then ask yourself one question.

What are you willing to do, peacefully, for your rights and freedoms?

Like most Canadians, I live a pretty simple life. Work fills most of my time, and my personal time is filled with whatever I can. I keep to myself, hang out with friends, and generally don’t worry about a single thing in my life. We live in one of the best countries in the world; there are our issues, but slowly those are being dealt with. When it comes down to the grit of it, there isn’t much to worry about, and we can somewhat ‘trust’ our government to do us well. This was until a few days ago when I first learned of ACTA -- the Anti-Counterfeiting Trade Agreement.

Upon seeing it on Wikileaks, I took a quick peek, but nothing really registered. I mean, from the title, it’s all just about bootleg DVDs, and knock off Gucci, right? Since then, it’s hit a few newspapers, few blogs, and has gotten a little attention ... and all of the attention I have seen it garner on the internet and in newsprint has been very bad.

For a while now, the United States has allowed their border guards to go into people's personal items and search the data on their digital devices. Every time I hear of this, it makes me chill slightly as I would love to not only visit that country, but live there someday. It is my general hope that the next President of the United States alters this approach, and puts the U.S.A. back on track. This proposed agreement would put those same rules in my country. This means that when traveling, I would have to deal with those same issues of having my laptop, cellphone, or iPod “looked at” or copied to make sure that I am not harming anyone's “special interests.”

If you download the document and give it a read, it’s going to come off as a lot of legal jargon, and for the most part not that bad. Dig into it just a little deeper and you’ll find that the majority of the Act is all about going after single persons, not large groups or organized criminals that want to profit from large scale operations. It would effect anyone going through the border, persons at home who are sharing data, and, as one last “fuck you”, to any sites that host links to torrents. I’m not going to name any of those sites, as I’m sure anyone here can find one, and more so we’re all good little persons who don’t copy anything.

Here is a fun shortlist of what would become law in Canada (and the other countries listed) if this is signed. I say ‘signed’ and not ‘passed’ for a reason, as I found out digging in a article that federal trade acts in Canada DO NOT see the House of Commons or the Senate. Once they are signed, we either uphold them or face financial penalties or who knows what else in this case. See NAFTA, or the Softwood Lumber Agreement for details. No offense to Americans, but we Canadians generally hate both of those agreements as we got the short stick which was thus lit on fire.

Internet Service Providers: Would be “protected” from lawsuits, provided they cooperated with law enforcement to assist in the removal of infringing material.

Translation: If someone captures your IP as sending out data they don’t want sent, ISPs would then give up said information, without warrants, to police.

Internet Piracy: Significant willful infringements without motivation for financial gain to such an extent as to prejudicially affect the copyright owner.

Translation: Remember those sites that I mentioned? Those would be what they are talking about. However, in another outlook that could also be applied to Wikileaks, or any other website that chooses to take up the same charge.

Border Guards: They would now be charged with the search/seizure (possible destruction) of digital devices that carry such items that are deemed illegal. Also, be given the right to put ‘deterrent penalties’ on persons involved. I’m going to guess that isn’t for tea and biscuits.

Civil Enforcement: The worst one of all. Authorities would be granted the right to go after people breaking said laws without any complaints from the rights holders.

Still here? Not too shaken, I hope. Possibly even going through that document yourself with a legal dictionary on hand to really dig into the meat of the document?

Hopefully, you are, as this isn’t going to be a document that will effect only a few of us, it’s going to be sea to sea to sea. While I have no issues with impacting those that make money off of the proliferation of counterfeit items (in the Act, so far, there is only one sentence that does that), I have issues with going into people's personal laptops for songs copied, without any proof that it’s not a legal copy. There is no definition, that I can find, that covers a “legal" copy, which leads me to think the persons having this document pressed into service expect people to buy the digital along with the physical copy.

This document - this ‘Act’, as it were - gives too much power to many individuals. In my mind, too many. I now have to think that if/when I go traveling overseas, I’m going to have to wipe my laptop and cellphone, and leave my iPod at home, lest I want to travel at all. When it comes down to it, this isn’t something a minority government should be able to agree on, or press into a full act for my country. I am also surprised, but not completely shocked, that trade agreements do not go through our House of Commons, or the Upper House (Senate), which, in my mind, they bloody well should.

When the Conservative Party of Canada ran in the last election, they had a simple plan: saying they would make the government more transparent, to remove it more out of the lives of Canadians. They got their items mixed up, because as it stands they just put the government more into my life, and made it that much harder to find out what’s going on. Go digging for information on this document and all you will find is PR spin from the government, and a whole lot of articles/blogs against it. Reporters who have tried under the Freedom of Information Act to get more information only get a title, with everything else blacked out. This, to me, is not a more transparent government - this is the exact opposite of what I was told.

Don’t give me your stupid violent comments regarding this matter, give me your open discussion and your passions instead. Tell the masses in this country what is going on and let them know what their government plans for them without any support of the House of Commons. For once, I want to see my country's men and women use their voice to tell the government what they do not want.

This isn’t hard to do, but it would take time and some effort.

Pass this article (or any others you find) onto your friends, family, co-workers, and teachers.

Email newspaper editors regarding this matter and ask them why they are not covering it at all, or not covering it more often.

Call local radio shows and bring it up with them. There's no better way to get the word out to a few hundred listeners.

Write letters to the following: the Prime Minister's Office, the Leader of the Opposition, your local MP, and Provincial MPs.

Yes, I said write letters, the ones you mail.

Stop laughing.

Done now?

Good.

Emails are nice and dandy, but letters are much harder to ignore. In this day and age of spam filters, and the ever-so-delicious delete key, it’s easy for someone to get rid of them. A few hundred emails are easy to get rid of, a few hundred paper letters, on the other hand, are not.

To get you started and make things a little easier, here’s information on who to write to, some advice on writing a letter to an editor, and a good list of email addresses for newspaper editors. Also, here is information on how to find your local MP, and, last but not least, a good list of radio shows to call into.

Truly, I only want one thing from those who read this ... to stand up and use what you were born with.

Your freedom of speech.

There is much confusion about who was the very first Asshole Fuckface. I get many letters and today I will finally reveal the answer: Pope Gregory XIII. On August 24th, 1572, Catholics began massacring Protestants in Paris, with the Queen’s blessing. The St. Bartholomew's Day massacre lasted months, spread across France and resulted in the deaths of thousands of Protestants. No one knows the exact number, but it is somewhere between 10,000 and 100,000.

After the massacre, Pope Gregory XIII ordered a Christian hymn of praise to be sung about the massacre and had a medal created that showed an angel holding a sword next to slaughtered Protestants. He then commissioned an artist to paint three murals of the wounding of Gaspard de Coligny, a Protestant military leader. The Pope then designated September 11th, 1572 as a day commemorating the massacre of the Protestants. The Catholic Church to this day has not apologized, but those who wield the power quickly declared Pope Gregory XIII the first Asshole Fuckface. Ever since that day, my people have scoured the Earth, in search of Asshole Fuckfaces to present to the common people. Today I give you the latest batch of miscreants, known as Asshole Fuckfaces. So, put on your chain armor, this is going to be nasty.

We start in the delightfully free country of Iraq, where Asshole Fuckfaces are allowed to do whatever they want.

Before the war, the only people who knew religious lunatics would take over if Saddam was toppled were those of us who dared to read books. Now the Asshole Fuckfaces of Basra are letting loose and it’s not pretty.

You’re welcome, ladies. Just be thankful you’re not living under Saddam anymore. Back then you were able to dress how you wanted and actually work. Now you get to die.

Their crimes: Not wearing headscarves or going outside with makeup on.

Oh, nice work, Asshole Fuckfaces. Nothing says, “God is great,” like the brutal street killing of a pregnant woman. I will pray that when you reach heaven, God presents you with a four-foot wide butt plug in lieu of all those virgins. Then I hope the ladies are there to force it into your dead anus.

Next up, grandpa rape can only = Asshole Fuckfacery.

I don’t know what the fuck is going on in Canada, but it ain’t right. A 62-year-old grandpa, who the Canucks won't name, was convicted of abusing one of his granddaughters. According to court records, he drove her to a dump and forced her to take her pants off. When he was done, he drove her home and told her to bring two of his other granddaughters “next time.” You can imagine how upset the family was.

Well, now I count 13 Asshole Fuckfaces. Gramps was sentenced to 18 months time served and released. It helped that Wasagamack First Nation Chief Ronald Harper and six counselors requested that he be released and sent back to the place where all his granddaughters live.

Oh, and the charges of molesting the other two granddaughters were “stayed.” Did I mention that gramps was already on parole after serving two years for incest? It seems he had already molested another granddaughter when she was 12, and was kind of faced with the overwhelming evidence of fathering his own great-granddaughter.

The Asshole Fuckface, or course, had a fantastic reason why he shouldn’t be in prison.

Well, I actually think they will be okay without you, Captain Example. And in a fine example of justice, the granddaughter has been shunned from the community for letting out the “family’s secrets.”

Next up, we can’t ignore our very own Asshole Fuckfaces, right here in the US of A.

Ever call for help and then find yourself arrested because the responding cop is an amazing Asshole Fuckface? I have, but at least my arrest wasn’t as bad as Hope Steffey's. Ohio seems to be on a bit of an Asshole Fuckface tear and the cops are often the culprits.

Last year Hope was assaulted by one of her cousins. The police were called, and the bloodied victim accidentally showed the cop her dead sister’s driver’s license. She kept it as a memento. The cop didn’t really care for her bullshit and things went horrible wrong.



Enjoy part 2!



You might have to actually stop me from killing those guys if that was my wife.

Okay, then it was a sexual assault. Take your pick. Dudes don’t get to tear clothes off of women, especially cop dudes. The video suddenly appeared last week and there’s a lot of Asshole Fuckface explaining to do.

Finally, one of the worst, most Asshole Fuckfacery stories of all time.

A children’s school in the holy city of Mecca caught on fire this week. Unfortunately, the school was locked at the time, because the Saudis like to keep their boys away from their girls. Lock down is the best way to do so. But even worse yet, some of the girls weren’t wearing their headscarves and black robes. Apparently, the girls didn’t think to put them on when they were running for their lives from the FIRE.

Thankfully, the Saudi religious police, known as the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice, were there to prevent the girls from running out with their hair visible and living.

Firemen went mano-a-mano with the religious police, because firemen understand it’s better to be alive than have men see your hair. 15 girls died in the fire and 50 others were injured. Saudi newspapers actually criticized the religious police.

Families of the dead girls are furious, because Asshole Fuckface religious police let their daughters die in a fire, instead of letting men see their hair.

Did I mention that the religious police let 15 girls die in a fire, instead of letting men see their hair?

So, there you go. That’s quite a list of Asshole Fuckfaces. This week, they receive nothing.

The Arctic is full of oil. It is estimated that 25% of the world’s undiscovered oil is in the Arctic. It is our oil. It cannot be another country’s oil because it is in the Earth. Any oil that is in the Earth is America’s oil – it has been given to us by God to put in our cars. It is written in the Bible somewhere, page 238, I think. The Arctic’s oil is finally becoming available and it is largely because of the United States.

We use quite a bit of the Earth’s resources and we produce a large amount of pollution. That is just how we roll. Because of the Greenhouse Effect, Arctic ice is melting, which is finally giving us access to oil. Since we are creating so much of the pollutants that cause the Greenhouse Effect and melts the ice, we should be allowed to take the oil. It just makes sense.

Evil Russia has other ideas. A couple of weeks ago, Russia claimed the Arctic by planting its national flag on the ocean floor below the North Pole. Russians loved it, comparing it to when we planted our flag on the moon. (Much fucking harder) Russia is clearly confused if they think planting a flag has any meaning in the year 2007.

But Russia wasn’t happy with just planting a flag. The red menace also took rock samples in an attempt to prove that underwater Arctic mountains are a continuation of Russia. Clearly this nonsense must stop. Russia has actually reduced its CO2 levels since the 1990s, which means they haven’t done shit to make the ice melt. We are still the #1 producer of CO2. Russia is taking advantage of our hard work and trying to steal our oil.

The 1982 UN Law of Sea Convention gave nations a 200-nautical-mile “economic zone” from their coastlines. 150 countries have ratified the treaty, but the US has not. Suddenly, 25 years later, President Bush is urging the Senate to ratify the treaty. Hopefully they do soon, so we can get our sweet, black gold. Canada, Norway and Denmark also border the Arctic Circle, but they can be dismissed because they are either weird or really small.

But that hasn’t stopped Canada from getting uppity. Our northern neighbors are planning on building two new military facilities in the Arctic as well as spending $7 billion on new Arctic patrol vessels. They are also talking some serious smack.

No question? This fight is between the US and Russia, stay the fuck out of it. Go club some seals or play some hockey, you freaks.

For a confluence of good reasons, people even in the US seem to finally be coming around to the concept that energy conservation is a good idea. Terrorism and the war in Iraq have brought home the notion that the US rate of energy consumption is pumping money into the hands of individuals who certainly do not have the best interests of the US at heart. Changing weather patterns have been blamed for the brutal 2005 hurricane season that brought hurricane Katrina, and the increased incidence of severe weather is also thought to be at least partly dependent on human activity-induced global climate change. Now that the nay-sayers are losing ground in the national debate, the question shifts from "Is there a problem?" to "What can we do to fix it?" Our neighbors to the North have passed an interesting measure that could have large ramifications for energy consumption, and might offer a model that the US could follow for doing the same. Starting in 2012 incandescent lights will no longer be sold in Ontario, following in the footsteps of Australia, which passed a similar measure earlier this year.

While they're cheap, easy to use and output light that is often consider softer and less harsh than fluorescent alternatives, incandescent bulbs are significantly less efficient than the increasingly marketed Compact Fluoresent bulbs, since incandescence technology converts much more of the electricity used by the bulb into wasted heat than fluorescent bulbs. A 60W incandescent bulb puts out the same amount of light as a 15W fluorescent bulb, so energy savings add up quickly if alternative lighting technologies are adapted. In addition, the development of cheap LED lighting technology may provide an even more efficient alternative to fluorescent lighting, as LEDs convert even less of the energy used to power them into heat. They also do not require mercury vapor to function like fluorescent bulbs do, and some would pose less of a pollution hazard if adopted on a large scale.

With Australia and Canada taking the initiative to improve lighting efficiency, would the US be willing to follow? Free market devotees tend to take a less-than-favorable outlook on government mandated changes to the business environment, instead preferring to believe that a superior product will dominate the market based on its own merits (though proponents of the Linux OS or the Tucker Torpedo might disagree.) US regulators tend to at least pay lip service to free market ideology, so it seems unlikely that any such far reaching legislation will be enacted in the world's largest energy consumer. However, tax incentives and state initiatives to accomplish the same thing are sure to come. And US consumers will be able to ride of the coattails of countries like Canada and Australia; currently a complaint about non-incandescent light bulbs is their higher cost, but with forced markets arising in other countries, manufacturing efficiency should increase and bring the cost of these products down, which will hopefully reach consumers around the world, not just in countries where these bulbs are mandated.

Regardless of how the change happens, the sooner it does, the better. The colossal waste of energy caused by widespread use of incandescent bulbs versus more efficient ones is a major contributor to a variety of environmental woes, so an improvement in in lighting efficiency will benefit the entire planet.

First Michael Richards astonished the nation with his racist outburst at a comedy club and now a black Canadian family has encountered a racist couch. Doris Moore ordered a dark brown couch from Vanaik Furniture of Toronto and was surprised to read the name on the label: Nigger brown. Oh my.

Moore was quite upset, especially because her 7-year-old daughter was the first to read the label.

That’s how most of us learn our first racist name. My first bicycle was a beautiful, shiny Dirty Mick. The mother complained to the store, who immediately blamed the supplier, who blamed a computer translation program. Now we are onto the Chinese, the makers of the software program. Those damn Chinese, always going after the black man.

The makers of the program, Kingsoft, say it was a regrettable error. Apparently it was all the fault of a dictionary. The company has been using the dictionary for ten whole years, way back when all dictionaries defined dark as “nigger.”

The owner of Vanaik Furniture claims he didn’t even know what the word meant.

Dude, you need to get out more.

The new couch owner is talking to a lawyer and, of course, will seek compensation. But so many questions now need to be answered. How much do you get when your couch is a filthy racist? Does Al Sharpton know about the couch? If the couch is replaced, where does the couch go? Does David Duke need a couch? Should we give the couch another chance? Does it have a matching ottoman?

For now, Moore and her three children are trying to deal with having a racist couch in their living room.

Fucking A. Don’t sit on that motherfucker; don’t even let the dog get on it. That would be like putting your ass on the corpse of Strom Thurmond.

FearTheReaper will be appearing at the Irvine Improv April 27th & 28th.

Some seven years after Canada passed laws regarding crimes against humanity, a Rwandan is being charged with (among other crimes) genocide and war crimes. It is Canada's first trial since the laws passed in 2000.

Forty year old Desire Munyaneza, who came to Canada in hopes of refugee asylum in 1997, is accused of participating in the rape and murder of Tutsis during the 1994 attacks, in which an estimated 800,000 Rwandans were brutally and systematically slaughtered, most within a period of less than two months.

Romeo Dallaire, the Canadian General placed by the UN in Rwanda during the genocide is set to testify, as are survivors and other witnesses of the atrocities. One unidentified witness, who was 17 in 1994, claims to have seen Munyaneza killing several young Tutsis herself.

The war-torn battlefields of yesteryear are long since forgotten in the ever-progressing evolution in modern warfare. The news brings tales of modern super-weapons, soldier tactics, and the ever-popular WMDs.

Canadian troops, however, are battling a haze of war that has yet to be encountered. In Afghanistan, the Canadian troops are fighting Taliban militants through a forest of 10-foot tall marijuana plants. As a preview of the many Canadian jokes to come, the army has retaliated by attacking with at least one armored car... camouflaged with marijuana plants in hopes of breaking through the Taliban's creative cover.

Now comes the bigger question: What's the obvious method of combating this cover? Yes. Burn Them. Chief of the Canadian Defense Staff, Rick Hillier had this to comment:

Not all hope was lost. A select few of the dry, brown plants along the edges of the forests did successfully incinerate, but a select few of the soldiers that happened to be in the smoke's path reported 'ill effects".

European scientists revealed one of the most exciting pieces of news in quite some time: Ships can now sail “unhindered” from Europe to the North Pole without all that pesky ice getting in the way. Huge patches of ice-free sea now stretch from Norway and the Russian Arctic to the North Pole.

Scientists discovered this wonderful development by analyzing satellite images taken in late August. The brand new ice-free zone is larger than the British Isles – but the food is better in the ice-free zone.

Someone call the Guinness Book of World Records! But sadly, the open water has begun to freeze again as something called autumn approaches. But odds are the water will be back next year, as the northern polar ice cover has been getting smaller for 25 years. Between 2004 and 2005 Arctic ice shrank by one seventh, which illustrates how we are winning the war against ice.

The new ice free water will create transpolar passages that countries such as Canada, Russia and the United States will claim rights over. The US will obviously win that confrontation because most Russians are drunk and Canada is our bitch.

Lakehead University of Thunder Bay, Canada is taking advantage of President George Bush’s apparent stupidity. In a new marketing campaign called "Yale Shmale," the school uses the image of Bush on posters along with the phrase, "Graduating from an Ivy League university doesn't necessarily mean you're smart, choosing Lakehead does."



The posters encourage kids to check out the Yale Shmale website where potential students will find more snappy insults against Bush.

Oh, the young kids will love that. The university will also send ambassadors out to “teen hangouts” in Smart Cars. Hopefully the ambassadors can “rap” with the kids about the school. A Smart Car lease is also being given away, as well as four PSP video games.

I would also recommend using the words “Awesome” and “Radical” a lot when talking to the kids. They’ll think you're one of them.