With the economy crumbling, layoffs skyrocketing, the Virgin Mary showing up in people’s MRI’s, and scientists discovering fucked up squids with elbows, the last thing you probably want to think about is holiday preparation. If you’re anything like me, you are poor and don’t like a lot of people, and wouldn’t mind if Christmas were altogether cancelled. However, like it or not, it remains tentatively scheduled for the 25th of December, and whether you plan to wait it out in your dank, windowless apartment eating Chinese delivery or stretch your deflated 2008 dollars to cover everyone on your gift list, music will probably improve the experience. Each of the following items (both of the news and material variety) should put a twinkle in someone’s eye, from hardcore rock nerds to cheery tree-trimmers. I, for one, am gifting the humans I care for with meticulously crafted mix CDs, because you can’t buy taste.

Colbert Sings!

As if his Nixmas Tree* wasn’t impressive enough, the king of deadpan satire has released A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All just in time for Nixmukkah. The record features contributions from Feist, Toby Keith, Willie Nelson, Elvis Costello, John Legend, and even Colbert’s faux-nemesis, Jon Stewart. Colbert himself delivers lines like:

Part of the proceeds will go to hunger-relief organization Feeding America.



Also notable is Colbert's “Operation Humble Kanye,” in which he took the “sunglasses display mannequin” down a notch by convincing everyone to buy his Christmas album at the same time on the same day, pushing it temporarily two spots above West’s 808s & Heartbreak on the itunes sales chart.

Colbert started up the beef last week, dissing the self-described “voice of this generation, this decade,” with all the catty wit of a Pitchfork critic. “You’re not the voice of this generation,” quoth Colbert. “With all that auto-tuning, you’re not even the voice on your own album!” After Kanye tweeted huffily in response, he turned it up a notch, retorting, “Why buy Kanye's album? You can basically hear it for free. Just put a tin can to your ear and lean against a Pac-Man machine.”

It's funny cause it's true. Colbert has invited West on his show to settle the score, but he has yet to accept. Here’s hoping this turns into an epic on-air rap battle. Do it, Kanye, or you’re an even bigger pussy than everyone already thinks you are.


Score! 20 Years of Merge Records

Founded in 1989 in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, Merge Records has put out albums by such indie icons as Superchunk, Neutral Milk Hotel, and the Arcade Fire. On this, their 20th anniversary, they’ve put together a year-long subscription boxed set package, which includes 14 compilation CDs of Merge bands curated by cool people like Amy Poehler and David Byrne, a compilation of remixes, an album of covers by artists like Bright Eyes, Les Savy Fav, and the Dirty Projectors, a giant cover art book, a comedy CD, and more. I’m not usually one to plug products, but Score! is the ultimate object of desire for anyone even remotely interested in independent music this holiday season. I’m probably going to spend many shameful hours finding and downloading everything in it, unless, of course, someone happens to buy it for me (Hint, hint, Mom!). If you can’t afford it but still want to know what Merge is all about, I suggest checking out some of their artists. Here, I’ll help you!

The Arcade Fire--"Black Mirror"

Here's a video interpretation of Neutral Milk Hotel's "The King of Carrot Flowers" that brings me endless, childlike joy:




Of Montreal-O-Rama

For fans of flamboyant, literary, emo-disco-folk, Of Montreal have just the thing. Their new album Skeletal Lamping features a kaleidoscopic exploration of frontman/androgynous heartthrob Kevin Barnes’ alter ego Georgie Fruit, a middle-aged African American transsexual soul singer. With many psychedelic twists and turns, it’s less poppy than Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer?, but equally brilliant. Adding extra incentive to order or buy the album are the various forms in which it’s being released. Basically, you pay for a digital download plus the physical item of your choice, a creative solution to the previously discussed problem of what to do when everyone's downloading music for free. Besides your standard issue vinyl, options include t-shirts, wall decals, tote bags, and a kick ass paper lantern. Or, for $90, you can get them all. They also have a forthcoming EP of remixes by Jon Brion now available for pre-order.

Barnes and the gang are currently on tour, so check the website to see when their naked sword-fighting stage antics are coming your way. They also contributed a cover of M.I.A.’s “Jimmy” to a charity compilation that also includes Garbage, Radiohead, and Bloc Party, so you can rock out and help kids with cancer at the same time.

Of Montreal — "Id Engager"



Brody's Back!

“Can we make a girl pit? Let’s get some fucking vaginas up in here.” These words made 17-year-old Hunter fall forever in love with Aussie singer/guitarist Brody Dalle as they echoed through the cold, smoky hole that was New London, CT's El 'n'Gee Club (R.I.P.). With a raspy yell, fast picking, and sing-along punk anthems, Dalle led the Distillers to underrated greatness. Now she’s back with a project called Spinerette, which goes the way of her husband Josh Homme’s latest project in that it’s a slicker, more L.A. rock sound than we’re used to hearing from her. Will this disappoint some old school fans? Probably, but I don't care. New music from Brody is the only Christmas present I need.

Fun With Sufjan

Latepass me if you like, but Sufjan Stevens made a holiday album in 2006, and it's still good. It’s mellow enough for grandma, while providing a break from the aural terrorism usually associated with the season. To remind us to buy their music, Asthmatic Kitty Records has made a neat little Christmas website full of diverting activities, my favorite of which is a program that lets you make your very own Sufjan-elf to send to someone as a holiday card. You can’t remove his elf suit (I tried), but beard fetishists will be happy to find that nice white Santa face-fur is one of the options (you know who you are). The site makes no concessions to diversity, but everyone knows that Kwaanza and Hanukkah are made up holidays anyway (j/k j/k pls don’t kick me out of the j00 elite).

Ladies and Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains

Speaking of made up, check out this mockumentary about a fictitious all-girl punk band. Starring a young Diane Lane and an even younger Laura Dern (ages 15 and 13, respectively), the little-seen 1981 film features appearances by members of the Clash and the Sex Pistols, and has acquired enough of a cult following over the years to finally get released on DVD. It’s hardly the most amazing piece of cinema ever made, but nonetheless worth a viewing for its timely snapshot of the punk/new wave scene, its rousing songs, and Lane’s gutsy performance in one of her first starring roles.

Trailer



....And now, because I'm twelve years old, your moment of Zen:



Note
Nixmas Tree*

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