The great thing about buying a car these days is...
The great thing about buying a car these days is that there is so much (SOOO MUCH!) information about every single version of every single model. NOTHING is left to chance except whether or not you read the right blogs, consumer reports and remember to get your CARFAX History Report that tells you how many oil changes occurred during the cars lifetime, how many windshield wiper blades have been replaced (front and rear) how much sex has been had in the rear seat (front and rear) whether there is actually a dead person in the trunk, and if Ozzy Osbourne ate a bat in the passenger seat. Its both stunning and mind numbingly boring and it makes me want to start a Russian Roulette Blindfold Car Mart (thats because Im a contrary fuck, always have been).
Then, I remembered that there is a field, a business, an art form where the R.R.B.C.M. is commonplace. Yes! Youve guessed it
.the music business! Come on down!
There is no consumer report that warns, points, or guides us about THE REASONS BANDS BREAK UP. For instance, a five second Google search can return that the 2001 Honda Civic is by far the model most plagued with problems. There is no website, blog, book, YouTube video, or directory where you can gauge the likelihood of how prone a middle aged bass player is to alcoholic tendencies or a predication for underage girls. Lead singers and guitarists well, where do we start? How about the drummer that used to be in PiL, worked with Ministry and NiN? ... should come with warning, watch out this bright spark might write a book, Tour Smart!
In the interest of due diligence and possibly starting my own BANDFAX History Report business (which Im thinking of calling BandFaxTic!), Ive done some research...Well, more accurately, I had some of the students at my new school do it. Lets have a look at some early results. Please feel free to contribute. We have created a public Google document that you can add to. Go here to read more stories and contribute.
A never ending list of reasons why bands break up:
1. Sandwiches are dangerous: Ask Karen Carpenter (allergic to), Elvis (BLT with banana) and the singer from the Libertines (heroin sandwich?)
2. Girlfriends are dangerous: Ask The Beatles, Elliot Smith, or just about anyone on the planet.
3. Navigational problems: Ask The Kinks, Minor Threat, Kid Dynamite, The Smiths all parted ways because of different musical directions while Marc Bolan of T Rex actually drove into a tree.
4. Leadsingeritis: Ask any band with a lead singer! Ha, only serious, or more accurately
lead singer dying-itis
..maaaaaan: Nirvana, The Doors, Queen, Sublime, Alice In Chains, Joy Division, INXS, the Germs, and the list goes on and on and on.
5. Legal Zoom dot com: Ask N.W.A., Dream Street, Bad Brains, Dead Kennedys, 30 seconds to Mars.
6. Leadsingeritis part two the curse of massive greatness: Pulp, The Talking Heads, The Jam, Rage Against the Machine, The Smashing Pumpkins
7. Drugs and alcohol: Fill in the name of any band here___________________
8. Unable to follow up the amazing last album Eagles (also file under Legal Zoom) Geneva, also called the where are they now department.
I hope this all helps. So far, from a scientific standpoint, it looks like it boils down to this: dont start a band whatever you do. If you wont listen to me and do start a band, then DO NOT get in a van, a bus, or god forbid a PLANE. Dont do drugs, a sandwich, or anyone elses girlfriend. Make sure you hire a lawyer (or two!) before you begin playing any instrument (even if you are a parent and your 4-year-old child is just mastering the harpsichord I especially mean you!) Dont leave the country. Dont write any songs and for fucks sake dont come up with a name, an album cover, or t-shirt design.
Forewarned is fore-armed. And remember, for a long time it looked like Ginger Spice leaving the Spice Girls was the end. But, now they are re-united and better than ever...just remember that when everything seems hopeless!
Im out and about as always. Come say hi:
Tuesday, October 6th - Chicago, IL
New Music Seminar Chicago - Panel Speaker. Pre-registration is open and you can get an additional 10% off using code: NMSCHICAGO24986.
Sunday, October 11th - Philadelphia, PA.
School of Rock - Guest Lecture. 1508 Brandywine St, Philadelphia, PA 19130
Friday, November 20th - Sunday, November 22nd - Philadelphia, PA
School of Rock - Guest Performances; 1508 Brandywine St., Philadelphia, PA 19130
Wednesday, March 10, 2010 - Saturday, March 13, 2010 - Toronto, Canada
Canadian Music Week - Conference, Panel Speaker. Times TBD.
And if you really want to get serious about this stuff, Im finally teaching my Touring 101 class online through Madison Media Institute. Theyll give you college credit. Fill out the form here for more information.
Vote for my SXSW panel, Welcome to the Music Business Youre Fucked
Vote for my new twitter t-shirt dont #follow #lead!!!
Follow me on twitter: twitter.com/marteeeen
Woooop
MA
Abandon All Hope: Cycle of Lunacy
Here's a little piece of advice, mostly for the ladies, but boys take it as you will.
When filing for divorce, and you aren't yourself a lawyer, trained in any legal lexicon, and are sort of a basket case to begin with, don't try to decipher the jargon on the paperwork while you are PMSing and just ran out of cupcakes. In fact, don't do anything but acquire more cupcakes and an extra, Costco-sized jug of Midol. Do not try to explain to your ex why these papers are so important, and how there is a strict timeline in which things need to occur. Do not have a meltdown when things do not happen EXACTLY your way. Keep in mind, you are not currently dealing with a rational set of emotional tools, nor are you dealing with another rational human. You're dealing with an ex.
I'm not saying that ex's are all evil horrific beasties. They don't all have to be shot on sight. The process of "Becoming An Ex" is something that we have all experienced. People change once they become an ex. It's a fast and slick metamorphosis, and happens instantly once the words "We need to talk" are said. Next thing you know, you're realizing that the person you thought you knew has gone utterly and completely insane, or perhaps has been insane the entire time and just tricked you into thinking otherwise.
One night I got home from work and a recent ex was sitting on my porch, looking furious. Apparently, Mr. Mad had broken into my house to sift through my trashcan for "evidence". Evidence of what? That I throw shit away and don't always recycle? Was he expecting to find some great revelation as to why we broke up, buried in with my food scraps and take out containers? We broke up because he was driving me nuts and I thought he was a moron. Maybe somewhere deep down inside I knew that he was eventually going to turn into the type of person that would break into my house to dig through my trashcans.
On another night, many years later, I was woken up at about 4:30 AM to a sound on my porch. I opened the curtains, and saw (another) fresh ex. This one was sitting there doing bumps of coke. It was the equivalent of him saying, "Guess what! I'm a drug addict! Surprise!!" When I opened the door, and politely asked what the fuck he was doing there, his only reply was that he was waiting for me to wake up. In his amphetamine-addled little mind, my 6 AM wakeup would be the perfect time to have the please get back together with me chat. Unfortunately for him, it didn't work out as planned. Rather than getting back together, I closed the door and called the cops.
Know what I learned from all of that? People usually aren't who they seem to be, and I should have bought a better fucking lock for my gate years ago.
The grieving period post-breakup is what seems to force people into a bout of the loonies, and whomever initiated the split is obliged to stand there saying, "Oh wow, you're suddenly completely insane now that we have broken up!" Sometimes this can lead into dumpster-diving, coke-snorting middle of the night visits
sometimes this causes endless email and phone calls
and sometimes this causes trash-talking and rumors. Whatever the case may be, I've only ever heard of one break up that went smoothly, where both parties shook hands and said, "Well, at least we tried."
The thing is, we've all tried, and yet we continue to allow this cycle of lunacy. Does this mean that we actually want smooth sailing? Or would that just leave us bored? It seems to me that we all enjoy the agony and the ecstasy of it all. Anguish is just as strong of an emotion as love, and the good can't feel as good without the bad.
So go ahead. Go dig through your old emails, and leave your gates unlocked. We've all been on the other end of it we've all sent those emails and letters, we've all dialed the phone and hung up as soon as the other person answered (well, at least until caller ID came about), and we're all going to keep doing it. It makes us feel a bit cinematic, and also gives our friends something to laugh about. In all honesty, even if we knew what a wing nut someone we are involved with will become once it's over and done with, wouldn't we still go for it?