Americans love to talk shit about the two party system. I know I do. They are both giant assholes, spewing out immense amounts of shit. The Republicans are obviously worse, as they have recently taken us into an absurd war, totally undermined our constitutional rights and turned to religion in a scary Taliban sort of way. Of course, the Democrats allowed it all to happen and in many cases went along with the opposing party. That being said, I’ll end up voting for the least horrible candidate because I am so scared of the most horrible candidate. And the two party system will remain intact.

But that won’t stop Americans from saying how much they would love a third party. Oh, just think about it! The party would be everything you wanted! A wonderful amalgamation of all your beliefs! Liberal when you want them to be and at the same time conservative on the right issues. And you could call it the “Not Real Party” because it’s never going to happen. It’s a ridiculous fantasy.

The current candidate giving everyone third party wood is Michael Bloomberg. Last week Bloomberg quit the Republican Party and the media went into a tizzy about his future “Independent” bid for president. Could he actually start a third party? Oh, my, I’m all a flutter!

Bloomberg, of course, quickly said he had no plans to run for president.

But the media just can’t stop hoping that he will run because they love to participate in the third party jerk off fantasy. Why? Because of the polls! People have been clamoring for a third party. They wanted one in 2004, for God’s sake!

57% percent! That’s a lot of people! And that was in 2004! Things have gotten so much worse with our citizen’s confidence in their leaders, just think what that number is today.

Wow. 57 percent. Feels oddly familiar. Now, just let that number roll around in your brain for a while. It is the number of people who answer that they want a third party candidate, when they are asked by a pollster, as they sit on their couch at 7 pm on a Wednesday. You know when they don’t want a third party candidate? On that Tuesday in November, when they walk into a voting booth and choose their candidate. Because when push comes to shove, people vote for the candidate who scares them the least.

So, how many people voted for Ross Perot? 8.4%

What about in the year 2000, when everyone desperately wanted a third party candidate? Ralph Nader pulled down a whopping 2.7%

Why? Because once third party candidates become real, nobody wants to vote for them. They are better as a fantasy. They are much more exciting as the unreal Third Party 58%. Take Bloomberg. The guy is a fucking piece of cardboard. He makes Al Gore seem like Tina Turner. Once America got a good look at Bloomberg, they would vote for one of the two big parties. And Ron Paul is a tool, so the same goes for him.

Get over it. It’s never going to happen.

Sweet Virginia, you’re always there for me when I need a moronic story. This time gun loving Virginians are hopping mad at New York City Mayor and raging hippie, Michael Bloomberg. The mayor has filed a lawsuit against 27 out-of-state gun dealers for selling firearms illegally to undercover private investigators who were working for NYC. Bloomberg wants to force the 27 gun dealers from Georgia, Ohio, Pennsylvania, South Carolina and Virginia to allow monitoring of sales. But Virginia is striking back, like a retard throwing a haymaker.

The Virginia Citizens Defense League came up with the idea of a “Bloomberg Gun Give Away.” It is fucking brilliant. Customers who spend $100 are eligible to win a handgun or a rifle in a raffle that will be held on April 19. The winner will receive a handgun or a rifle worth around $900. Two stores are partaking in this example of swift and brutal Virginia vengeance.

Well, consider him beaten. On one side, Bloomberg filed a lawsuit that caused two Virginia gun dealers to go out of business due to legal fees and two others to settle and agree to the court monitoring. And on the other side, the tough-as-nails Virginians started a raffle. Game, set, and match.

You have to feel for the Virginian gun dealers. All they were doing was illegally selling guns. According to private investigators running the sting, one person would fill out legal forms in order to buy a gun for another person – who was not legally allowed to own a firearm. But now they are being punished for selling guns to people who could have been felons. Typical big city bullshit.

Bloomberg took aim at the out of state dealers because 90% of guns used in crimes in New York City come from out of state. But Virginia gun dealers see it from another point of view.

So, let me see if I can get this straight: We should all have guns to protect us because someone might break into our house to take our guns. Gotcha.

At Bob Moates Sport Shop there are pictures of Bloomberg, Sarah Brady of the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence and Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle taped to a shotgun rack. Bloomberg’s face is circled in pink. "Here are our worst enemy" is written below. Which is confusing, because either “enemy” should be plural or “are” should be replaced with “is,” unless of course the store is just looking to maintain that “Virginia mountain feel.”

Either way, the raffle is a success. One “longtime customer” claimed he had earned “six or seven” tickets and will probably buy more just to get back at mayor Bloomberg. Sadly, he will not get back at mayor Bloomberg because he is already a legal gun owner, which would mean the gun transfer would be legal. That is exactly what Bloomberg wants. The only way he could really get even with Bloomberg would be to give the gun to a felon and hope the criminal would kill a child on the streets of Brooklyn. Then he could yell a big and victorious, “Gotcha.”