by Jason K

Soon the cold wind of winter will usher in the holiday season. That means Turkey dinners, stuffing, cranberry sauce shaped like a can, and Santa squeezing his fat ass down your chimney. The change of weather beckons, and a change in thirst follows. Out with the weizens, summer ales, and heat quenching brews. In with the thick, hearty ales of winter; beers so satisfying they often are best served alone so as not to compete with a meal. These are best known as Winter Warmers.



The exact definition of the style is one that is rather difficult to pin down. Originally these beers were brewed for the festivals of the winter season, bringing a tendency towards higher gravity, and higher ABV, to assist in shrugging off the Northern European cold. Flavors were big and bold, emphasizing strong malt character with minimal to no pronounced hop character. Modern American versions have steered away from this formula and can now be found to include spices, complex Belgian yeast strains, or high IBU’s from large hop dosings. Though distinctly different, all can be included as Winter Warmers.

Samuel Smith Winter Welcome is a classic English example of the style.



It pours a rich copper color, featuring great clarity with a robust and slightly off-white head to match. Retention is medium with good lacing exhibited upon the glass. The aroma is rich with notes of biscuit and light caramel, plus a very faint note of pungency from a light dose English hops. This beer presents a wonderfully complex flavor while not being oppressive or cloying with sweetness. Malt flavor is dominant, presenting a bready and slightly nutty character with a medium body. Hop flavor is minimal at best, presenting a gentle bitterness to balance if nothing else. Notes of oak and a mild minerally quality show through in the finish of the beer; a distinctively English character contributed by the top-fermenting yeast strain. In addition, the yeast strain lends a slight note of diacetyl to the flavor profile, exhibiting a slight butterscotch flavor that lingers past the finish. All in all a very drinkable and approachable example of the style.

Other recommended examples of the style include Anderson Valley Brewing Company Winter Solstice Ale, Deschutes Jubelale and Sam Adams Old Fezziwig Ale, which should all be easily located at most better markets or beer stores.

by SnakePlissken

Growing up as a forced Catholic really fucking sucked. Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m going to make a butt-fucking joke right? Nope. I was going to make a “getting up early on a Sunday” joke. It’s really the only thing worse than forced sodomy. But what those early Sundays were great for was shit booze. A little hit of something cheap and sweet when you’re half-awake really goes well with a slice o’ Christ. To this day I still don’t mind hitting the sauce a little early on the Day of Rest. Today I choose something cheap and purple. A little something called Four Loko Uva.

According to the webshite, Four Loko Uva (a.k.a. headache in a can), is named after a Brazilian berry of the same name. I’m guessing the berry doesn’t also contain taurine, guarana, caffeine, and 12 % ABV though. Yep, this shit has all that peppy stuff blended right in, not only making the drinker asshole-loud, but not able to pass out. Great.





The Pour

That’s damn purple stuff. If it weren’t so highly carbonated I might be convinced it came out of Grimace. How much more purple could this be? And the answer is none. None more purple. It truly looks just like a glass of good ole’ store brand purple drink, from the fizzy slight head to the syrupy consistency. If I was a teenage I’d put it in a soda bottle to sneak into the school box socials, or whatever the fuck it is that kids do today.

The Aroma

When I was little, mom used to make me take a goddamn chewable vitamin every night before bed. Usually it was a cheap-o store brand that tasted like fruit-dipped asshole, but sometimes it was a Flintstones chewable. They tasted slightly less like fruit-dipped asshole, so it was a real treat. The red was the best, the purple was the worst. And when I took a whiff of Four Loko Uva I smelled Flintstones grape-dipped asshole. Shit. Behind that is the distinct twang of cheap alcohol. Slightly like the kind best reserved for cuts and bruises. Betty Ford would turn this down.

The Flavor

I hate when products call their flavor grape, or in this case compare it to grape, and it never tastes like grape. It always just tastes like purple. A weird saccharine sweet version of the fruit is what this product presents, with a noticeable aftertaste that lets you know it’s an energy drink. And the alcohol? Oh it’s there, starting a little campfire in your belly. Maybe making some s’mores. Settling in with its friends until it’s time to get tossed out like a hobo caught in a freight yard by a railroad dick. Not quite Robitussin, but not far off.

The Verdict

The devil isn’t red, he’s purple and fits in a can. This is the stuff you’d probably see shirtless guys at ICP concerts drink all day. You know the ones, they usually end up head butting a security guard or falling off of a stack of speakers. Seriously, my gut felt rough the next day after this one, so I recommend caution. It’ll hurt ya.

4/10

SnakePlissken wasn’t sure if butt-fucking was one word or simply hyphenated.

I am not what most would call a man of high-dollar tastes. The only suit I ever owned was from J.C. Penney’s and I readily admit to not seeing a problem with calling a pot of Kraft Mac n’ Cheese with hot dog chunks in it dinner. When it comes to The Hooch, things are different -- I love the good stuff but I don’t obsess over it. Okay, yes, I fucking do, but I still understand there comes a time when the only point to drinking is to get loaded. Like when you get dumped by a woman with a mustache or you need to forget how you sharted in that Old Navy changing room when you tried to pull a left cheek sneak. And that’s where the cheap shit comes in. But, being the discerning prick that I am, I still want to bitch about it. And, if at all possible, make a poop and/or dick joke at the same time. That being said, welcome to the inaugural edition of Plissken’s Shit Booze Review.

First on the chopping block is a delightful little beverage I procured the other day at the 7-11 across the street called Earthquake High Gravity Lager. Brewed in LaCrosse, Wisconsin, this bad boy weighs in at a whopping 12.0% alcohol by volume and is sold “on special” at two for three bucks. Bring a fiver and you’ll have enough left over to get one of those eternally rolling hot dogs or some plastic cheese nachos. Trust me, you’ll want something on your stomach before this shit hits it.

The Pour



Notice the complete lack of head. If I wanted this little head, I’d be dating a prudish Catholic girl from Indiana with her jaw wired shut. Don’t believe the hype kids, head on your beer is a good thing, delivering both increased aroma and flavor that are critical to the enjoyment of a proper pint. Poorer examples will often lack this trait, as their body has been overly thinned by large additions of adjuncts such as corn or rice. These adjuncts contribute simple sugars to the beer which are much more easily digested by yeast than the sugars brought forth from barley alone. Simply put, a shit ton of it in a beer like this means a lot more alcohol without making the beer thick and hard to slam. Undesirable traits one looks for in what is essentially liquid crack.

The Aroma

Earthquake is hard to explain. How do I put it exactly? Imagine a pile of sweet corn. Now imagine a pile of old aluminum siding. Now make those two piles fuck and then somehow have a child in defiance of all that is holy. Now smell that child. That is what Earthquake High Gravity Lager smells like. Corn siding.

The Flavor

As I savored the first sip, I noticed something unusual -- I didn’t go blind, so it passed the first test. As the rush of knowing I wasn’t poisoned faded, the flavor did not. The alcohol scorch dominated the first sip, making its presence known in a punchy fashion that takes your breath away. Sort of like going into the unisex toilet at work right after that guy Carl who always eats the microwave burritos out of the vending machine. Following the shock of the 12.0% comes a strange saccharin sweetness, a side effect of using large quantities of the aforementioned adjuncts. While I did find it unpleasant at first sip, I noticed that it faded over time. Most likely, this was simply a side effect of my taste buds dying. Either way, once that first gulp was down and over it became almost bearable. Not good, but bearable.

The Verdict

It’s shit. But you knew that going in didn’t you? Does it get you where you want to go? Yes, but it also may lead to you waking up at 3 A.M on a Greyhound bus to Ogallala, Nebraska with no pants on and a penis permanent markered on your cheek. Drink it very cold and with caution. And have some Tylenol ready for the morning

6/10 stars

SnakePlissken thinks 12 steps are more appropriate to fall down than follow.

It’s 12:30 AM Friday morning July 18 and I find myself in Gelsenkirchen, Germany.

Gelsenkirchen.

Home of… um, home of nothing that I know of and I’m too lazy to Google it. Take my word for it, it’s quiet. Even the pub in the hotel was dead except for the one drunk guy that stared at us for a minute and then burped AT us. Seriously, he burped at us like he was throwing something at us. Then he grabbed the waitress’s ass and yelled a lot.

Still, it’s very quiet here; too quiet after the raucous insanity that was Sligo, Ireland.

If you’ve ever read this column before then you probably know I have an affinity for the black stuff. A pint of Guinness in Ireland is as close to perfection on earth as it gets. It can’t be done better. It can’t be improved upon. The only anomalies are the temperature (sometimes it can be too cold) and the pour (most places don’t do it right). A proper pour is to fill the glass about three quarters of the way and then let it settle (when it’s solid black with a creamy head) and then fill the rest of the way slowly so the head just makes a slight dome over the top edge of the glass. It should take about two minutes. Then it takes another minute to settle. As far as I have experienced, the two anomalies I mentioned don’t exist in Ireland.

My first proper Guinness was in 1986 at the Gresham Hotel in Dublin. I went straight to the bar with my bags and ordered from the barman. I didn’t know anything about pouring Guinness then so when he stopped pouring three quarters of the way I thought he was fucking with me, the stupid American. I waited a minute and then ignorantly asked him if there was a problem with the tap and he said, “Sonny, a proper pour takes at least two minutes.” He wasn’t being condescending, and I didn’t take it that way. I sat there all afternoon and drank, probably over compensating for my faux pas and to this day I go have a Guinness at the Gresham every time I am in Dublin.

I had been looking forward to two days off in Dublin since we got these Pearl tour dates supporting Meat Loaf. Days off are like precious stones and to have two days in Dublin is like winning the lottery. The plan was we would stay in Sligo for the show in Bundoran, which is on the west coast and then drive to Dublin to spend two days bowing to the Phil Lynott statue outside the Bruxelles Pub, Guinness in hand. Ah, the best laid plans…

The show in Bundoran got postponed a day due to technical problems with the tent/stage. Basically the whole thing was gonna come crashing down and the promoter needed another day to get it right. The weather was fierce, raining sideways and this circus tent was not going to hold up. They were also going to try and squeeze 6000 people into a space that maybe held 3000. The whole thing was a mess and on top of it we lost our days in Dublin. Wah, wah. Cry for me; it’s such a sad story.

I’m not one to dwell on the negative and it was my first time on the west coast of Ireland so Sligo it was!! The Guinness fight had begun.

We ended up spending three nights in the hotel bar, each night progressively better (or worse) drinking the black stuff. It was a 72-hour cacophony of Guinness and whisky (Powers and Jameson Black Tooth Grins!) and bad singing and swords and metal and fish and chips and more Guinness.

When I woke up today to fly to Germany I was in a zone, in some strange yet familiar and friendly place. I felt like I was walking backwards when I was going forwards. Everything was a little out of focus and for a moment everything was right with the world. Maybe it was the sea air of the beautiful west coast, or maybe it was being in such close proximity to the mighty Ben Bulben (it’s a huge mountain/rock with a head like the Juggernaut), or maybe it was from my dinner the night before that had three different kinds of potatoes (mashed, fried and a side of mashed) on the plate, or maybe it was the really drunk and pissed off guy that I drank with who told me his opinions of Americans had changed for the better after spending some time with us, or maybe it was being with friends and sharing it all.

Maybe it was all of that or maybe it was the Guinness.

It is good for you. The ad says so. Truth in advertising is a wonderful thing.

Getcha’ pull!!

Cheers,
Scott




Scott Ian plays guitar for revolutionary metal band Anthrax and also for Pearl.

Artwork credit: Shepard Fairey

Previously on Food Coma... In-N-Out good, Olive Garden bad. Tiny little birds tortured for the gastronomic pleasure of the rich elite and some old Popes. Truffles are angel poop. Drunk on Amaro with Mario and Tom. The Oceanic Six have been revealed.

I have been traveling the world since we last met, out in the territories, your ever faithful servant, your gentleman at arms, hopscotching the globe, looking for the best the world has to offer! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another pulse-pounding edition of Food Coma.

Dateline London 24/3/2008: The Crown Pub
British beer is better than American beer. Is there anyone that this is news to? Bottom line, a properly pulled/poured pint of Fuller’s or any number of British lagers or ales is better than anything we drink here in the states. Of course a Guinness in Dublin is king shit of fuck mountain, and those crazy Belgian monks are universally known as the best conjurers of the hop, but I wasn’t just in Dublin or Belgium; I was in England, damn it, and the quality of the brew was fantastic. Here in the states you have to seek out specialty beer bars like Father’s Office here in Los Angeles, or DBA in New York City, to drink anything even close to what they’re serving in the local pub. Yes, there are fine micro/local breweries making amazing stuff here in the U.S. No argument. What I’m saying is, the average pint in the UK is just so much better than the crap Americans accept. I’m not going to go into a whole tirade against Anheuser-Busch and tell you why their product tastes like watery ass. I’m just going to tell you that 99% of beer is done wrong here and you should find out for yourself. Spend the extra $3 on a six-pack of something good. You deserve it. I’ll even recommend a great U.S. made ale for all you patriots: Arrogant Bastard Ale from Stone Brewing in San Diego. Big, bold, delicious and it’ll get you drunk a lot quicker than the pee you’re used to.

Dateline London 26/3/2008: Andy and Eric’s room at the K West
Post-show (on tour with Pearl opening for Velvet Revolver, for more on that go to www.myspace.com/pearl) meal at Tayyab’s in White Chapel. Possibly the best Indian food I’ve ever had. How can lentils taste this good? The fried paneer was addictive. The seekh kabab was the best I ever had. I’ve never had dry beef before and I don’t know where to find it in LA!!!! Even the basic chicken curry had a flavorful heat that gave my taste buds boners. God-damn-it the food was so good I’m pissed off. And for £10 that’s CHEAP for London.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the catering on the Velvet Revolver tour. Usually, in Europe bands will travel with catering and in general, UK caterers are good. It’s easy to get really fat on a UK/Euro tour when you’ve got someone cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner for you and then even making you sandwiches for the bus after the show. The VR caterers were a company called Eat Your Hearts Out and every meal was terrific. The Mulligatawny soup was amazing. Never had it? Go get Indian food right now. And Banoffee pie. Holy shit. Graham cracker crust, bananas, toffee and whipped cream. Go fuck yourself.

Dateline London 27/3/2008 in the wee hours
The K West hotel has vending machines with beer, airplane size liquor bottles and snacks. What will these Brits think of next????????

Dateline Los Angeles 4/1/2008
Jet-lagged but happy to be home. The tour was amazing, sold-out and Slash, Duff, Matt and Dave were so kind to us. I didn’t get to see Scott but I hope he’s good and that Velvet Revolver and STP both move onwards and upwards.

Ate at Craft, Tom Colicchio’s LA branch of the NYC steakhouse classic. I wanted to eat here when it first opened but I quickly lost interest thinking it was going to be a cold, biz-oriented power lunch kind of place (it’s practically in CAA’s lobby). I couldn’t have been more wrong. The dining room was warm, nicely lit and felt great. Everyone was really friendly (Maybe they know I write a food column? Yeah, I wish) and the food was excellent. The smoked trout appetizer was perfect and the steak was great. I always judge a steakhouse by the NY Strip and this was perfectly cooked and full of flavor. I’ll be back.

Dateline Los Angeles 4/2/2008
Went to Lucques which was recently named top LA restaurant in Los Angeles Magazine. I like Lucques but I didn’t think it was the best place in town. I hadn’t been in a few years (last time I was there, Pearl and I had dinner with Roger Daltrey and The Edge sat at the next table and it was quite a night, but that’s a story for another time) so I figured I’d revisit. It was definitely not the best restaurant in town. Citrus Avocado salad to start was eh. Not enough avocado so it was more like a fruit salad that someone dropped some avocado into. The salmon was cooked well but was swimming in butter and was bland. Not sure how they cooked the flavor out of it. Maybe they were having an off night. Not sure if I’ll be back.

Dateline Chicago 4/3/2008
In Chicago writing with Anthrax. Nine songs done. We’re really getting close to making the record. I’m very happy with where we’re at creatively. Fucking Metal.

Ate at Blackbird. Fucking amazing. If Los Angeles Magazine named this restaurant as best restaurant in LA, I’d agree. It was a perfect meal. I even asked for a menu so I could get it right here. The only thing I can’t remember is the first amuse. It was whitefish in some delicious sauce.

Appetizer: Salad of endives with crispy potatoes, basil, dijon, pancetta, and poached egg.

Amuse: Crispy confit of suckling pig with braised endive, crab apples, sweet potato mustard and pork rind.

Entrée: Grilled California sturgeon with sauerkraut gnocchi, Anjou pear and celery root puree.

Amuse: Grapefruit sorbet.

Dessert: Roasted pineapple with brioche ice cream, hibiscus and cinnamon toast.

All this and booze for $80. If it was NY or LA it would’ve been $150. It sounds pretty fancy-pants but all the flavors were very down home, American style cooking. Awesome.

I’m off to Costa Rica tomorrow for a week. My belly is excited.

Cheers,
Scott

P.S. If you’re not watching "Battlestar Galactica," you’re an idiot.

www.myspace.com/scottian
www.nonelouder.com/scottian
http://blogs.scifi.com/battlestar/scottian/

Scott Ian plays guitar for revolutionary metal band Anthrax and also for Pearl.

Artwork credit: Shepard Fairey

The Miller Brewing Company has recently come under fire from conservative Christian groups for sponsoring San Francisco’s annual Folsom Street Fair. The grand finale of San Francisco’s Leather Pride Week, the Folsom Street Fair is an outdoor event where around 400,000 members of the LGBT leather, fetish and BDSM community gather to demonstrate exactly how vanilla my sex life is.

You’d assume that conservative Christian activists would already have roughly a bazillion reasons to be offended by an open-air festival of transgressive, queerlicious, S&M-flavored sexual decadence. However, the organizers of the 2007 Folsom Street Fair apparently thought that “burly tattooed dudes in leather jockstraps flogging and blowing each-other in public” just wasn’t getting enough Jesus freaks aggro, so they decided to up the blasphemy ante.

The official poster for this year’s Folsom Street Fair features a photographic parody of Leonardo Da Vinci’s famous painting of Jesus’ Last Supper, only replacing Jesus with a hot buff black dude (yeah, I know, like Jesus wasn’t already a hot, buff black dude), the Apostles with various members of the San Francisco leather and BDSM community in full fetish regalia, and the food with a big buffet of S&M sex toys including ropes, whips, restraints and a red, fist-shaped dildo.

I mean, who could possibly find that offensive?

After seeing the original version of the poster that included the logos of all of the fair’s sponsors at the bottom, the Catholic League and Concerned Women For America took that bait with a vengeance, announcing a boycott of all of Miller’s various and sundry beers. Or as the ever-quotable Bill Donohue -- one-man hyperbole machine and head of the Catholic League -- phrased it:

The organizers of the Folsom Street Fair defended the poster by claiming that it wasn’t meant to be a religious statement:

Oh, and that Leonardo Da Vinci was a big ol’ homo:

Yes, The Sound Of Music really needs to become even more gay.

Not all religious leaders found the poster to be offensive. A pastor at San Francisco’s queer-friendly Metropolitan Community Church had this take on the issue:

You mean you can be a Christian and not hate gay people? And even hold on to your sense of humor? Someone get that dude his own cable network, immediately.

Of course, not all gay folks approve of the poster. Conservative gay pundit Andrew Sullivan described it as "easy, cheap blasphemy" and suggested that the 2008 poster parody a sacred Muslim scene. Because if there's anything that's hard to come by in post-9/11 America, it's people willing to make fun of Islam.

Miller responded to the brouhaha by asking that their logos be taken off the poster, but not off of the Folsom Street Fair’s website or other promotional material. They also stated that they would continue to sponsor the fair and other GLBT community events:

Or in a nutshell: “We here at Miller don’t give a fuck if you think God hates fags or if you’re a flamingly gay-leather daddy-sex pig, as long as you buy our beer. Please stop emailing us.”

To the surprise of just about nobody, this apology did nothing to calm down those screaming for a boycott, so if your local liquor store no longer carries Miller beer, you can blame Jesus. Or maybe just some of the loudmouths who claim to act in his name.

This isn’t the first time that Miller has been the target of conservative boycotts. Last year reports that Miller was sponsoring a pro-immigration political march caused an Internet’s worth of anti-immigration yokels to freak the fuck out.

While I’m not a drinking man, the thought of “Miller Time” becoming “Sneak Into America And Then Have Raunchy Fetish Sex With Another Dude Time” is almost enough to get me to fall off the wagon. Or get tied to the wagon.

While I’m waiting for Miller to further pander to my liberal socio-political worldview by announcing its new “I (Heart) Abortions, Marijuana, Evolution and Welfare” line of cheap-ass beer, at least I can get my fill of delicious blasphemy with the long-awaited resurrection of The Naked Chocolate Jesus.

Officially known as either "Sweet Jesus" or “My Sweet Lord”, The Naked Chocolate Jesus is a sculpture by wacky Canadian artist Cosimo Cavallaro (also known for his performance art pieces that can best be summed up as “Can you put cheese on that?”) that depicts a life-size, anatomically correct and loincloth-free Jesus Christ being crucified on an invisible cross. Oh, and it’s made from about 200 pounds of milk chocolate. Because, you know, it’s art:

MC 6 Ft. Naked Jesus was originally going to make his debut in the New York City art scene back in April, when a gallery announced that it was going to display “My Sweet Lord” in its street-level front window between Palm Sunday and Easter Sunday. After the predictable storm of outrage forced the gallery to cancel the exhibition, “My Sweet Lord” went into storage in a Brooklyn warehouse, where hungry mice snacked on its appendages. Yes, here in the Big Apple, even the rodents have opinions about what art is, or at least what it tastes like.

However, you can’t keep a religious icon’s life-size chocolate penis down for long. Cavallaro has cast a brand new version of “My Sweet Lord”, which will soon go on display in another Manhattan art gallery. This time it’ll be accompanied by Cavallaro’s recent chocolate sculptures of various (clothed) Catholic saints in an exhibition entitled “Chocolate Saints…Sweet Jesus”. Even though this new exhibition kicks off on All Saints Day, the groups that protested the previous exhibition apparently are too busy boycotting fetish-friendly beer to raise a fuss this time around.

Well, after all this talk about beer and chocolate and leather daddies and Christianity made me hungry. I just hope my local deli still has licorice whips in stock.

I realize that "stupid people" news items aren't the most challenging targets in the world. I've written up a few on here and, yes, it is a nice feeling, mocking the stupid, but after enough idiotic examples they all sort of blend together and seem not that funny...

Annnnd then someone puts a rattlesnake in their mouth.

Thanks buddy, you've made me a believer again... The slack-jawed and idiotic are fine subjects to write about.

And really, what girl isn't impressed by a man willing to put a filthy, poison-filled creature into their mouth-hole? Clearly this stunt went awry, but, in a perfect world, what was the outcome he was going for? What's the desired reaction after doing something like this? Instant sex? Awkward silence before a whispered request to "stop that"? What was supposed to happen here? The world may never know.

Look for the non-funny version of this scene, starring Dane Cook as the snake-bit, jerkoff trying to mumble his way through a quickly swelling mouth, next year at theatres everywhere... I would avoid those theatres.

Ahhh... Nothin like chasing some "stupid stuff," with a shot of rattlesnake venom! I call it the "fucktard" and you can find it at the bar outside the theatre I mentioned above.

Wait, how are you so drunk that you forget you're holding a live snake... that is alive?

And you don't immediately notice it when you pick up something else with the same hand?

I picture him running errands, brushing his teeth, petting stray dogs all before finally noticing he's still holding onto a VENEMOUS killing tube.

I'll leave you with this, drunks. Keep in mind, there are many, many non-lethal animals you can insert into your mouth with zero risk other than a possible sternly worded letter from PETA. I say, do it.



TheCoolerKing realizes that Rahodeb briefly touched on this topic earlier, however, he was unwilling to waste the 30 seconds he'd already spent pondering the subject.

(Part three in a series of reports from the 2007 Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah.)

Statistically speaking, it’s another banner year for Sundance. More movies were picked up by distributors for more money than ever before. The independent films that will dominate media attention in 2007 and be seen at festivals and in theaters premiered daily to audiences hungry for the next big thing. Statistically speaking for me, it was a struggle –three screenings a day, five or more parties, averaging four hours a sleep a night, while living on four zone bars and one decent meal at a restaurant a day, it was a struggle in a race to see the best of the best. But all I had to do was watch movies. For my first two days, I was bound to serve my TV masters at G4 covering the fest. (There's video on the G4 web site, if you care to check it out.) When I was finally cut loose from my obligations, going to a screening was like gulping water after trudging through the desert. Seeing films at Sundance is nothing short of inspiring.


The "peace sign" photo on my press badge failed to inspire others to do the same as rampant apathy took hold as the trendiest attitude to adopt.

THE SUNDANCE SCENE
The best way to describe the scene at Sundance is crowded. Merely stopping for a moment to chat with a pal on Main Street will cause a pedestrian traffic jam as the streets are clogged with film freaks getting to screenings, locals seeking celebrities (I personally spotted Joey Pantoliano, Wes Bentley and Gary Coleman) and partiers without a name on the list just looking for a way in. If you can get past the air of craziness resulting from the vibe that everyone is trying to get somewhere very important and, they themselves are all, very important, it all comes down to the movies. As a reaction to growing media attention on celebrities and parties and sponsors and goodie bags and everything but the films, Robert Redford began this year’s Sundance festivities at a press conference in which he announced a new motto: Focus on Film. These words could be seen on all the marketing materials for the fest as well as free buttons readily available anywhere and I’m sure can now be found for sale on eBay.


The tiny mountain town of Park City, Utah was never meant to accommodate the more than 20,000 people who trek from all parts of the world to celebrate film. Posters and flyers litter officially designated posting areas and signage is everywhere.

It was odd this year to see so many give-aways everywhere. I’m used to buying a case of water or two to combat altitude sickness, but I shouldn’t have bothered since water of every brand were handed out on the streets and nearly everywhere. And not just water, everything from energy bars to scarves to energy drinks to ski caps were practically tossed at passersby who were not even looking for a freebie. The most amusing was a ski cap promoting a new, more efficient replacement for Botox called “StriVectin-SD.” Would you wear a hat with that on it? Um, I wouldn’t.


Parties on Main Street were a bust because of the invasion of non-film folks. The MySpace party was a disaster partly due to the incompetence of the doormen, but also because the Eagles of Death Metal were no-shows.

The nightlife in Park City is odd. It is dominated by the dedicated hipsters driven to get into the most exclusive parties. One good friend commented to me that they should have “asshole police” to deal with some of these obnoxious folks. I simply found them entertaining. The most amusing aspect is the lengths to which many women will go to impress. It was common to see women in sandals, high heels, open-toed shoes – all worn in sub-freezing temperatures which lingered in the single digits the entire first weekend. Really? How much alcohol does it take until one is unable to feel their toes? I’d like to know.


The Film Threat crew in Park City wore original hats designed by SG girl Noir - this pink delight modeled by FT writer Sally Foster. Standing out from the crowd is both useful and fashionable.

If you can get past all of these distractions, the real purpose of the festival will emerge. Films. And not just any independent films, movies that move you. Each time I attend the festival having seen inspiring work made by deeply passionate filmmakers, there’s a feeling that anyone can be a part of this community of like-minded artists. Sundance recharges my own creative batteries after a grueling year of mainstream factory films from Hollywood. This year was no different as I experienced an amazing array of original work by some familiar and emerging filmmakers.

SUNDANCE FILMS
Some were saying that this was an off-year for Sundance as there was no consensus regarding standout films. What stood out to me was the number of quality movies. Here's just a taste...


The fast-paced doc Chasing Ghosts took audiences back to an era in the early 80s when the arcade ruled the world.

Chasing Ghosts
As a portrait of a period in time circa 1982 when the arcade ruled the world, Chasing Ghosts delivers more than what is promised. Retro gaming is as hot as ever, and this glimpse into the world of the very first hardcore gamers, the guys who dropped quarters and went pro, is as hilarious as it oozes a fondness for 80s nostalgia. From the music to the fast-moving graphics, the style that filmmaker Lincoln Ruchti uses to tell this tale starts at full speed and never lets up. Y’know, kind of like a video game.

The focus of the film is a group of gamers who achieved the highest scores and went pro. Assembled in Ottumwa, Iowa in 1982 near the Twin Galaxies arcade for the historic photo-shoot for Time magazine that made them all famous, we meet them today, more than 20 years later for a reality check. It’s no surprise to learn that this oddball group that began as geeks all remained geeks. Each of them come equipped with their own quirks and various levels of nerdiness and that is where the film succeeds best - as a portrait of not just a time, but of a group of geeks worthy of celebration.


Grace is Gone reveals a whole new side to John Cusack.

Grace is Gone
John Cusack is very different from the romantic lead we are used to seeing in films like High Fidelity. In Grace is Gone, he plays a dad worn down by life as the manager of a home store. His wife Grace has gone to fight the war in Iraq and he is left to father his two daughters. The eight and twelve year-old are told they can’t even watch TV as it might add to their already anxious lives. When Cusack receives the news that Grace is dead, he becomes catatonic. It’s already difficult enough to “talk” to his daughters, much less tell them that their mother is dead. This leads to a road trip to Enchanted Gardens in Florida as dad avoids telling his daughters the truth. It’s the best performance of Cusack’s career as he dresses and even walks funny to accentuate his schlumpiness. Screenings of the film elicited more tears than any film I have ever seen at Sundance.


The Signal is now the must-see horror film for 2007 and was picked up for distribution after its very first midnight screening.

The Signal
Rejecting the current trend of "torture porn horror" and going straight for "intelligent and gory" is The Signal. The premise is simple: All electronic devices in the town of Terminus suddenly do not work as they begin to emit an irritating, yet hypnotic signal. At first, it seems like a glitch, until overexposure to this signal drives one into a murderous rampage. Traditionally, horror films like to ease you in and do things like "get to know the characters" so that you "care" about them. You won't find that coming from the three-headed Atlanta-based co-directors of The Signal David Bruckner, Jacob Gentry and Dan Bush. These boys begin the movie with a bloody kick in the nose and never stop smacking. It truly is a horror film made by horror fans. What's also interesting is the approach they took as a trio of co-directors - the film was broken up into three acts and each one of them took on one act. The film still feels as if there is one voice, yet each act has its own tone that fits the whole. Act one is creepy and suspenseful, act two delves into the bloody and comedic and act three is shocking, gory and triumphant as the final act messes with your head. Upon leaving the screening, I was both elated and awestruck as I found I needed time to "come down" from this relentless movie. There is no doubt that The Signal will be among the best horror films of 2007 when it debuts later this year.


The "bestiality" documentary Zoo was highly anticipated due to the racy subject matter -- fucking horses. However, the artful recreations of taboo sex simply bored audiences.

Zoo
No film had more buzz going into Sundance than Zoo. And no film's buzz disipated faster than Zoo. The description in the program guide seemed to promise full-on bestiality. A man is dropped at a local hospital - his death the result of the rupturing of his internal organs. It is later discovered this was caused by having sex with a horse. The family wants answers and though, we the audience never see it, the loved ones are treated to a showing of the video of this sex act because they have to see for themselves how it happened. The sanitized recreations are simply dull as the filmmaker attempts to create some type of understanding for why anyone would want to stick a horse's cock in their ass. The answer is about "getting closer to nature" or something but ultimately, there is no answer. It's unfortunate as Zoo could have been something truly controversal but ends up being a dull disappointment.


Co-directors Crispin Glover and David Brothers pose in front of the poster for their film It is Fine. Everything is Fine!

It is Fine. Everything is Fine!
The second in Crispin Glover’s planned art film trilogy began with What is It? and continues in It is Fine. Everything is Fine! The film is written by and stars the charming and cerebral palsy afflicted Steven C. Stewart, a man who will not allow his handicap to stop him. The story involves Stewart who is a ladies man, seducing young women, getting them naked, then getting them in bed, then getting them into a chokehold to kill them in an almost comedic fashion. It’s hard to feel sorry for a handicap serial killer, but Steven is just too likeable as he grunts his way through his lines. He’s impossible to actually understand, yet, in the context of each scene, we know what he’s saying. It’s like a John Waters film from the 1970s, as Glover and Brothers force you to see this crippled person as a suave leading man. To say the film is weird would be cliché, it’s way beyond that the film drew laughs and gasps from the audience. The odd thing about it all – it works. It’s actually refreshing to see someone who actually has cerebral palsy in a film rather than some actor playing someone with cerebral palsy, y’know, like Daniel Day Lewis. It wasn’t long ago that Hollywood would dress up Caucasian actors to play Asians or other races in movies (John Wayne, Marlon Brando, Mickey Rooney). Perhaps some will get the idea that the handicap have a right to play themselves on screen. Even when it is a “turn-off” to general audiences who need to be challenged.

The climax features Stewart in a hardcore sex scene as he receives a blow job leading to a close up of full penis-vagina penetration. The tight shots of the actual act do not linger, so one could hardly call it porn, but it is rather jarring. Glover and Brothers felt it was important to see that Stewart actually had sex and that this wasn’t some sanitized Hollywood love scene with bits of nudity. Crispin Glover plans to tour festivals with the film combining screenings with a live performance starring himself. An experience not to be missed.

SLAMDANCE FILMS
The SlamDance Film Festival took place at the always friendly Treasure Mountain Inn. Their motto By filmmakers, for filmmakers, was ever present in all the films. Ultimately, it's a fest without the big business trappings featuring movies with a DIY-vibe and a punk rock spirit. There were a lot of great movies, but two films deserving of attention include...


Grace Lee's American Zombie uses this horror genre staple as a way to address issues of immigration and equality in Los Angeles. Lee also had perhaps the most inventive promotional item -- this soft cell phone cleaner.


American Fork creates a humorous and thoughtful character portrait of a man whose life revolves around food.

Until the next fest, Gore is gone. Way gone.

Chris_Gore is an author, a filmmaker and the creator of Film Threat. Chris’ book, The Ultimate Film Festival Survival Guide, is the bible for filmmakers touring on the festival circuit and a 4th edition will be published in 2008.

(Part two in a series of reports from the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah.)

By the time you read this, I'll be freezing my ass off. The weather here in Park City, Utah is in the single digits at night and when I breathe deeply, my nostrils feel as if they are growing icicles. It's that cold. Thankfully, most of the activities involve staying indoors and viewing movies. I'll make an effort to see as many films as possible, but the parties seem to take priority during the festival.


The Dude, yeah, that Dude, is the man to hang with in Park City every year.

Last year, Paris Hilton's appearance, well, anywhere, seemed to overshadow any of the films. It's amusing to note that someone on Craig's List was selling a Sundance Party List for $50. Trust me, it doesn't compare to my personal party spreadsheet that includes every party with locations, phone numbers, publicist contacts and sponsors all color-coded for easy viewing. But no matter how great the party is, they're all serving Utah-3.2 beer and, frankly, I'd rather be in a dark theater experiencing something new. While I have not seen anything yet, there are plenty of films I plan to catch during the fest. Here's a round-up of the movies at Sundance that I'm really looking forward to seeing. (NOTE: These movies may or may not be considered "hot" or films receiving a lot of "buzz," these are merely films that grabbed my attention and I can tell you from experience that my taste tends to run outside the norm.)

Away From Her
Directed by plucky Canadian actress Sarah Polley (remember her from the Dawn of the Dead remake?), this film is her feature directorial debut. Her short I Shout Love, which screened at the 2002 fest, was an incredibly well-written and acted 30-minute film and I expect her feature to be a compelling ride.


Chasing Ghosts
This documentary by Lincoln Ruchti explores the world of video games as we meet the participants from the first nationally televised Video Game World Championships from 1982 as they recount their pixellated memories.

White Light/Black Rain
(It's important to note that the documentaries are the films are often the best and they're important to catch since you may not have a chance to see them again.) This doc reveals the victims of the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombs in never-before-seen footage.

Interview
Directed by and starring actor Steve Buscemi, this film explores the price of fame through the hottest young actress in Hollywood Katja. Steve's movie is fiction, but this may as well be the Lindsay Lohan story.

Fido
Zombies try to fit into an idyllic 1950s society. Anything with zombies promises to be fun.


It is fine! EVERYTHING IS FINE.
Crispin Hellion Glover's second movie in his planned trilogy began with What is it? and continues with fine! Early indications are that this is weird and incredibly disturbing.

The Signal
An odd signal is transmitted from mobile phones, televions and all media devices in the city of Terminus, leading to murder and madness within the psyches of its inhabitants. And that's just the beginning of this horror film...

As yet, I still have not seen a single movie, but the "Buzz" films arte not only playing at Sundance, but some of the other alt festivals in town, namely Slamdance.


The Slamdance Film Festival is well established having been around for over a decade. Yet they have maintained their anti-establishment status by embracing filmmakers like these.


American Fork

Slamdance movies I plan to see, well, try to see (the screening room is small and tickets can be hard to come by) include: American Fork and American Zombie. Fork is from the producer of Napoleon Dynamite and centers on an overweight man who finds solice seeking an acting career. Or that's what I heard that it's about, who knows. You can never tell from a description in a festival program guide. And Zombie is about, what else, zombies. I love any new twist on the zombie movie.

While I haven't seen anything yet, I thought I would leave you with some of the scenery here in Park City from the TromaDance Film Festival...


The Tromadance Film Festival charges no entry fee for filmmakers and screens, well, pretty much anything. Which means you'll see a lot of crap. But you might also see these girls...


... and they not only like movies...


...they enjoy the company of movie fans just like you.

Gore gone.

Chris_Gore is an author, a filmmaker and the creator of Film Threat. Chris’ book, The Ultimate Film Festival Survival Guide, is the bible for filmmakers touring on the festival circuit and a 4th edition will be published in 2008.

(Part one in a series of reports kicking off coverage of the Sundance Film Festival and all the madness taking place in Park City, Utah.)

Next week will mark a decade that I have been attending the Sundance Film Festival. Many describe this mother of all film festivals as a miserable experience – it takes place in the dead of winter, the theaters are too spread out, most of the movies suck and the parties are overcrowded. It’s just not any fun. Heck, any film fest can be lousy if you don’t know what the hell you’re doing. I have seen the festival grow from a large event attended by media and celebrities premiering the best in independent cinema to an out of control movie-mad-mediapalooza. For me, it gets better year after year.

If you’ve ever thought about attending Sundance or any festival, you’ll need some basic tips for survival. If you can make it in Utah, hell, the rest of the festival world is as easy as a tape splice. (That’s one for the old school movie geeks.)


This tiny mountain town will be invaded by 30,000 people all trying to get into movies.

General travel tips. You’ll be sleeping a lot less, so drink lots of water and take lots of vitamins so you don’t get sick. Make restaurant reservations early so your diet consists of more than pizza and energy bars. Also, bring at least one formal outfit just in case you’re required to attend some fancy fest outing. And wear something loud – a bright hat, shirt, jacket, whatever. This makes it easy for friends to spot you in a crowd.


3.2 beer can have a powerful affect in Park City's high altitude.

Drinking in Utah. First of all, you should know that the alcohol content of drinks in Utah is lower than the rest of the country, beer has 3.2% alcohol as opposed to 4-5% in a regular beer. The altitude will compensate for the lower alcohol content by volume and you just get drunk faster on less liquor. So don’t be deceived by thinking you can drink more – it’s important to stay hydrated.

The best pizza in town. The best place to get a quick meal with a slice and a pitcher of 3.2 beer is at Red Banjo Pizza. This cute restaurant is located near the top of Main Street – 322 Main to be precise. Call them up at 435-649-9901 to order a pie or stop in and be sure to tell them I sent you. Because if you want dinner at Redford’s restaurant Zoom, located at the bottom of Main Street, well, good luck with that.


Sundance Film Festival Founder Robert Redford keeps a low profile during the festival. If you want to eat at his restaurant Zoom, it's probably too late to make reservations.

Choose movies wisely. There’s an episode of South Park in which a film fest takes over the town and our delightful cartoon characters describe the movies as “…a Gay cowboy eating a donut.” The unfortunate reality is that this isn’t far from the truth – festivals really show pretentious crap like this. The crucial mistake most people make when going to a festival is picking the wrong movies to see. It’s almost impossible to tell which films are worth seeing based solely on the title and vague write-ups provided in the festival program guide. When doing your research, look for certain keywords. A movie you want to skip will be described as “earnest” or “coming of age” or the worst possible, “an exercise in cinematic semiotics and experimentation.” Avoid these flicks like the corner crack whore. A movie you want to see sounds like “this story of one woman’s love for another woman…” or “Hong Kong action” or my favorite, “the most thought-provoking documentary about the daily lives of strippers ever made.” And be sure to steer clear of out of work television actors slumming in low budget indie films, watching these flicks is like a form of torture only equaled by a Pauly Shore movie marathon.

Have a plan “A” and a plan “B.” I attend every festival with my films already selected and an organized schedule. However, I almost never follow my itinerary because new opportunities present themselves, but I have it just in case. Come with some kind of plan and be prepared to make alternative plans. If you don’t have time for dinner, carry an energy bar. If you’re stuck waiting in line, bring a book. If it’s a choice between the Fox Searchlight movie opening in theaters in a month or the documentary that may never be seen anywhere else, always choose the small indie or doc. If you’re a filmmaker, be prepared to pitch that next project so that when you meet that actor, producer or executive, you are ready to pitch your next project.



How to get a good review from Roger Ebert. If you’re a filmmaker, there’s nothing like getting a good review from a respected film critic. So it might interest you to know that seven “Roger Eberts” can be found in the phone book in the Los Angeles area alone and one of them is bound to love your movie. Seriously, there are more outlets covering film today than films released in a year. No joke. If you can’t get a decent review in a recognizable media outlet, there are plenty of unknown media outlets on the web just salivating over the prospect of being quoted on your movie poster.

Set the cell to vibrate mode. Most annoying of is the constant sound of ring tones in the air as the suits waiting in line that drone on and on about the latest deal they struck. My response to these folks is always the same – I scream into my cell phone, “One million is an insult, this deal is over!” That generally stops all annoying conversations around me. Those uncomfortable looks afterwards can be a very entertaining bonus. And be sure to keep the cell phone set to vibrate – no one cares about your cute ring tones.

Make friends with the volunteers. To me, festival staffs can be really helpful if you are nice to them. And the volunteers are even more important as they can help you get into screenings that are “sold out.” Volunteers would much rather help someone who is kind to them than the jackass shouting at them with some “vip” attitude. If you wish to build relationships in the indie film world remember that it is a fluid one and the assistant this year, may be the festival director next year. So it’s important to be cool. Just like Fonzie.


Standing out at a party with a colorful hat has many benefits.

Wear something fabulous. Everyone has hat hair in Park City, but why not have a hat that stands out? It sure helps when trying to find your friends at a crowded screening or party. And a cool look counts for something. It’s important to be recognizable in a group, or at least in photos that appear in the trades. This year myself and the Film Threat crew will be wearing original hats designed by SG girl Noir . (Look for photographic evidence next week.)


Everyone has hat-hair during the festival so stay warm, but remain fashionable.

Get into any party… guaranteed. I have to divulge one of my best party-crashing lines ever. This one is dangerous, mainly because while it works, it can be difficult to pull off. It’s very successful when trying to gain entry into the most exclusive festival parties, so plan this one out by doing the following:
- First, you’ll need your own pint glass and a can of apple juice or beer. Pour some of the liquid into the glass and walk casually up to the entrance so the doorman does not see you.
- Make sure the doorman is distracted with the chumps waiting in line who will not be getting in.
- Next, pay attention to little details, if it’s cold outside, take off your jacket and tie it around your waist.
- Do not make eye contact with the doorman, that will only give you away.
- Slowly sidle up to entrance while the doorman is distracted. Once you are right next to him and just outside the door, very nonchalantly hold up your half full glass and politely ask: “Hey, is it cool if I take this drink outside? Is that okay? I’m just gonna grab a smoke.”
Since the party will get shut down if anyone is caught taking alcohol outside, the doorman will not only get mad, he'll literally throw you back into the party! He’s assuming you were already in to begin with, but now you are really in. Thank me for this one later.


The best theater at Sundance is the Egyptian on Main Street.

The truth about the business hurts. The reality is that the independent film world is a freelance business in which one rarely gets paid and almost no one gets paid well. Success is garnering good press or winning an award at a festival or receiving rave reviews or the simple pleasure of getting distribution and seeing your film open on the big screen. All of this perceived “success” still won’t pay the bills, so it’s important to take that tried and true parental advice and have a fall back plan to actually make money. Otherwise, you’ll be racking up credit card debt and filing for bankruptcy before your first feature even hits the festival circuit. Sad, but true.

And lastly, make some time away from the films and the fest to enjoy the local scene. I’ve been going to Sundance for years and I always make plans to learn to snowboard, but I’ve never done it. This year for sure… y’know, if I have time.

Gore gone.

Chris_Gore is an author, a filmmaker and the creator of Film Threat. Chris’ book, The Ultimate Film Festival Survival Guide, is the bible for filmmakers touring on the festival circuit and a 4th edition will be published in 2008.