Occasionally I need to step out of the world of politics to address something even more fucked up than Washington. This week is one of those times. The final episode of Battlestar Galactica aired on Friday and it was like having explosive diarrhea shoot out of my television. After four years of enjoying one of the best television shows on television, it was a massive let down, a pathetic end to a great show, a lazy finale with a final two minutes that should have made any fan cringe with embarrassment. Other than that, it was great.

Battlestar Galactica excelled at capturing the reality of politics in space, much like the way The Muppet Show perfectly created the essence of what it would be like for pigs to be in space. Not that I know what politics in space is like, but BSG’s different factions behaved in exactly the way one would expect people to when confronted by a horrible enemy -- and each other. They left behind a world with an economic and political system much like ours and were immediately thrust into survival mode. The show’s creators built a world in which the leaders attempted to keep the last humans alive while still maintaining some of what they left behind. It was very well done.

It had a realistic feel to it because the events paralleled what America was going through with 9/11, the Iraq War, Bush’s attack on civil rights, suicide bombings, torture and just about anything else you could think of. It wasn’t the type of popular science fiction we’d been subjected to recently. The humans were very good and very bad. There was no fairy tale world of Star Trek or the black and white good vs. evil battle of Star Wars. It was gritty and the heroes did some pretty awful shit –- because the show explored the complexity of people. Some people were all for raping Cylons, others not so much. That seems pretty dead on (I am against Cylon rape).

Which is why is was so disappointing to see the show turn into a giant pile of ass in its final episode.

There were so many gaping holes and carelessly tossed away plotlines in the finale it was sickening. I will now assume you watched this turd and get down to it.

I’m going to avoid the first hour of the repeated shocking conveniences that occurred during the battle, but they were amazingly weak. Thankfully, the creators set up the show under the umbrella of “It’s all God’s will,” so they could dump a turd on my screen and then say, well, “That’s what God wanted.” Um, no. Fuck your Dean Stockwell blowing his brains out and your dead person launching a nuke and the fact that “Opera House” didn’t actually mean anything. Just because its God's will, doesn't mean it has to be lazy and stupid.

Now let me get to the super bad character choices. Guyas Baltar was a character that at times was hard to watch. The actor’s constant teary-eyed performances put Jim Carey’s “I want an Oscar” shit to shame, but I loved that he was becoming a religious leader. He had a cult and it grew larger and larger. It was dangerous to the political world the show had created and a lot of time was spent on the storyline over the last season, which would make one think the new religion would play significantly in the finale. Nope. In the second to last episode, we learned that Guyus now had the largest following in the entire fleet. Pretty complex situation. Wonder where that’s going to go? Oh, how about, he just walks out the fucking door. Yeah, after two seasons of build up, the new Joseph Smith said, “Nice knowing you” to his cult and, in two minutes, decided to show some courage.

Retarded, totally unjustified and a complete cop out. Crazy lazy writing. Absolute shit.

Kara Thrice? Poof. Gone. Quite simply, not handled well after all the build up. See Dead Stockwell blowing his brains out above and Baltar walking away from his cult. It’s just an end and not much more.

I actually could have handled those really, really bad resolutions. But then they took a giant turd on the political reality of the show, which was its backbone. So, they find Earth II Electric Boogaloo and they decide to leave technology behind, not build cities and spread out across the planet. How do they arrive at this decision? Well, father and son Adama take a walk in a field and decide that’s the way to go.

And that’s it.

Because after watching a show that, season after season, focused on the political differences between people, the choices they made and their reaction to ever changing circumstances, the most profound decision ever to be made by these 30 some odd thousand humans, boiled down to two guys walking near a lake and having a convo. Dudes just decided for everybody. Because they talked it out, man. Actually, they didn't talk it out. One of them just said it. And the other basically went, "Sweet."

Nobody said a peep. It was a just great idea. EVERYBODY was on board with this decision, after seasons of watching different political factions scream at each other, ships trying to mutiny, an attempted revolution, contested elections and on and on. It just came down to two dudes believing this was the way to go. They took everything the show had been about and with one conversation, wiped it clean. All gone. No mas. It was really the only way to cram the Lucy idea and the creation of our society into the Hera story. But it wasn’t handled well, and in doing so they took a shit on everything the show had been. And when you have that much time to wrap up an excellent series, that is an unacceptable conclusion.

So, booooooo.

You want to see how to wrap up a series? Go watch the final Star Trek: The Next Generation.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday and Friday for more from FearTheReaper

When I was a teen, I took to swearing with great gusto. The movie Heathers was very hot among my friends then, and we’d quote it with relish. “Fuck me gently with a chainsaw!” “Why can’t you just be a friend, why do you have to be such a megabitch?” And I’ll admit that since I’ve always looked younger than my age, coupled with my small frame, I got even more pleasure from swearing like a sailor and shocking people. Sweet little Mur said WHAT?

I’m not saying I’d go up to old people in the malls and call them cunt blossoms or anything, but I didn’t hold back when I was with my friends.

I did have limits, though. I remember reading an interview with Mike Tyson in Playboy a while back, where nearly every third word was “fucking.” I had to search for the story drowning in the sea of expletives.

There are made-up swear words. The ones that leap to mind of this geek are “frell” (from Farscape) and “frack” (from Battlestar Galactica). BSG fans found it hysterical that KFC completely missed the mark and advertised the “Frack Pack” on the opener a couple of weeks ago. Twitter was ablaze, “They do know they’re selling a Fuck Pack, right?” While the words do fit for network television, allowing our characters to swear as much as they want, they do sound a little watered down and sad.

I was surprised when people started reading my book and complaining to me of the swearing. “I don’t see why so many people need to say unnecessary swear words.” Some of my friends say that it’s a gender thing: some people react more strongly to women swearing than men, and when I read the audio podcast of my novel, people could get turned off by “sweet little Mur” swearing like a character in Deadwood. Others say that the content of the book –– superheroes –– implies it’s safe for kids while the language is not. (Ever read Powers?)

But people haven’t told me there’s too much murder in the book. Or too much torture. Or too much dismemberment (actually one person said there wasn’t enough dismemberment, but we won’t talk about him). People are immune to violence, but if you throw in some swearing, nudity, or (gasp) a gay character and they’ll get their panties in a wad.

(As an aside, I just got done watching Season Two of Dexter on DVD, and Lila was a favorite character. She was not a trembling violet; she was brash, rude and sexual. When she was nude in the kitchen and Dexter's sister Deb walked in on her, Lila casually draped an arm across her breasts, smiled, and said, “Pardon my tits.” That was true to the character –– anything less wouldn't have fit.)

To research this more, I went to the pros. Both New York Times Bestselling Authors, Scott Sigler and Tracy Hickman are very different storytellers.

Sigler is the author of Infected and Contagious, scifi/horror thrillers that are peppered liberally with violence and swearing. He calls it “asinine” that people think they live in a pristine world. “You have to use the language that fits the story,” he says. “If you don't, you're producing a contrived projection of the way you think the world should be. Not the way it is. Some people swear, therefore, it's logical if some characters swear.”

I told him of the reader who hinted strongly that if I wrote stories and books without swearing, he’d be a faithful supporter. Sigler said, “It's a free market literary economy; if people don't like it, they can put it down. Just like they can turn the channel if they don't like what's on the TV.”

When asked if he’d ever consider cleaning up a work to appeal to an audience, he said, “I have a book called The Rookie. It's about a futuristic football league; in football, people swear. But the sci-fi and sports elements of this tale make it ideal for teenagers and pre-teens, so I am modifying the cursing to suit that audience…to bring it under the threshold most parents sustain for their children. Once people are old enough to make up their own minds, however, I let the story be what it needs to be, and the characters be what they need to be.”

On the other side of the spectrum we have Tracy Hickman, bestselling fantasy author who is very active within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He has a different opinion of the use of colorful language. He does swear in his books, but not very often. “Swearing is like spice...If you do not use it the text feels unnatural and bland. If you use too much of it, it makes the whole [book] unpalatable.”

He does add most people fall on the ‘unpalatable’ side of the balance. “The problem is that people today swear too much. Swearing is a crutch in conversation. It's what you say when you haven't got real words.”

Hickman recently brought an older book of his, The Immortals, back into print. Different from his usual fantasy stories, this book is about future U.S. internment camps for victims of a new strain of an AIDS-like virus. He says that the new version is altered from the original. "In my original manuscript and first publication there was quite a bit of swearing in it. I used the 'f-bomb' in that book on a couple of occasions; the only time in my writing career that I ever knowingly did that. My justification at the time was that 'real people in the real world' would speak that way. Later, when I had a chance to republish the book, I went back and removed all the 'f-bombs.' On a second reading I found that it got in the way of the message for me. While people 'in the real world' may not guard their speech so carefully, the book isn't about the 'real world.' The important thing is the story and the message, not the verisimilitude of the whole thing."

Hickman then pointed this out, "Being emotionally inarticulate doesn't get you anywhere. There's a difference between letting people know THAT you feel and letting them know HOW or WHAT you feel."

I’m still of the opinion that a well-placed, “sunnuva bitch” can carry a lot of weight. Much more than a, “darn it.” It’s shocking to put a swear word in the mouth of a character who rarely swears. Some of the more creative epithets can add a lot to a story. Like adverbs, passive voice, or any part of language, swearing is a tool. If you use it properly, it can add a lot to your story. If you don't, it shows as glaring overkill.

You can't please everyone, however. If you use swearing, you'll turn off those who don't like it. And if you don't use swearing, someone may notice and question the "realism" of your story.

To close my thoughts on swearing, I'd like to quote a wonderful blog post on swearing. I’ll let it speak for itself.

Mur Lafferty is an author and podcaster who recently released her first novel, Playing For Keeps. She Speaks Geek every month on SuicideGirls.com. Click HERE for more of Mur's musings.

Previously on Food Coma... In-N-Out good, Olive Garden bad. Tiny little birds tortured for the gastronomic pleasure of the rich elite and some old Popes. Truffles are angel poop. Drunk on Amaro with Mario and Tom. The Oceanic Six have been revealed.

I have been traveling the world since we last met, out in the territories, your ever faithful servant, your gentleman at arms, hopscotching the globe, looking for the best the world has to offer! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another pulse-pounding edition of Food Coma.

Dateline London 24/3/2008: The Crown Pub
British beer is better than American beer. Is there anyone that this is news to? Bottom line, a properly pulled/poured pint of Fuller’s or any number of British lagers or ales is better than anything we drink here in the states. Of course a Guinness in Dublin is king shit of fuck mountain, and those crazy Belgian monks are universally known as the best conjurers of the hop, but I wasn’t just in Dublin or Belgium; I was in England, damn it, and the quality of the brew was fantastic. Here in the states you have to seek out specialty beer bars like Father’s Office here in Los Angeles, or DBA in New York City, to drink anything even close to what they’re serving in the local pub. Yes, there are fine micro/local breweries making amazing stuff here in the U.S. No argument. What I’m saying is, the average pint in the UK is just so much better than the crap Americans accept. I’m not going to go into a whole tirade against Anheuser-Busch and tell you why their product tastes like watery ass. I’m just going to tell you that 99% of beer is done wrong here and you should find out for yourself. Spend the extra $3 on a six-pack of something good. You deserve it. I’ll even recommend a great U.S. made ale for all you patriots: Arrogant Bastard Ale from Stone Brewing in San Diego. Big, bold, delicious and it’ll get you drunk a lot quicker than the pee you’re used to.

Dateline London 26/3/2008: Andy and Eric’s room at the K West
Post-show (on tour with Pearl opening for Velvet Revolver, for more on that go to www.myspace.com/pearl) meal at Tayyab’s in White Chapel. Possibly the best Indian food I’ve ever had. How can lentils taste this good? The fried paneer was addictive. The seekh kabab was the best I ever had. I’ve never had dry beef before and I don’t know where to find it in LA!!!! Even the basic chicken curry had a flavorful heat that gave my taste buds boners. God-damn-it the food was so good I’m pissed off. And for £10 that’s CHEAP for London.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the catering on the Velvet Revolver tour. Usually, in Europe bands will travel with catering and in general, UK caterers are good. It’s easy to get really fat on a UK/Euro tour when you’ve got someone cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner for you and then even making you sandwiches for the bus after the show. The VR caterers were a company called Eat Your Hearts Out and every meal was terrific. The Mulligatawny soup was amazing. Never had it? Go get Indian food right now. And Banoffee pie. Holy shit. Graham cracker crust, bananas, toffee and whipped cream. Go fuck yourself.

Dateline London 27/3/2008 in the wee hours
The K West hotel has vending machines with beer, airplane size liquor bottles and snacks. What will these Brits think of next????????

Dateline Los Angeles 4/1/2008
Jet-lagged but happy to be home. The tour was amazing, sold-out and Slash, Duff, Matt and Dave were so kind to us. I didn’t get to see Scott but I hope he’s good and that Velvet Revolver and STP both move onwards and upwards.

Ate at Craft, Tom Colicchio’s LA branch of the NYC steakhouse classic. I wanted to eat here when it first opened but I quickly lost interest thinking it was going to be a cold, biz-oriented power lunch kind of place (it’s practically in CAA’s lobby). I couldn’t have been more wrong. The dining room was warm, nicely lit and felt great. Everyone was really friendly (Maybe they know I write a food column? Yeah, I wish) and the food was excellent. The smoked trout appetizer was perfect and the steak was great. I always judge a steakhouse by the NY Strip and this was perfectly cooked and full of flavor. I’ll be back.

Dateline Los Angeles 4/2/2008
Went to Lucques which was recently named top LA restaurant in Los Angeles Magazine. I like Lucques but I didn’t think it was the best place in town. I hadn’t been in a few years (last time I was there, Pearl and I had dinner with Roger Daltrey and The Edge sat at the next table and it was quite a night, but that’s a story for another time) so I figured I’d revisit. It was definitely not the best restaurant in town. Citrus Avocado salad to start was eh. Not enough avocado so it was more like a fruit salad that someone dropped some avocado into. The salmon was cooked well but was swimming in butter and was bland. Not sure how they cooked the flavor out of it. Maybe they were having an off night. Not sure if I’ll be back.

Dateline Chicago 4/3/2008
In Chicago writing with Anthrax. Nine songs done. We’re really getting close to making the record. I’m very happy with where we’re at creatively. Fucking Metal.

Ate at Blackbird. Fucking amazing. If Los Angeles Magazine named this restaurant as best restaurant in LA, I’d agree. It was a perfect meal. I even asked for a menu so I could get it right here. The only thing I can’t remember is the first amuse. It was whitefish in some delicious sauce.

Appetizer: Salad of endives with crispy potatoes, basil, dijon, pancetta, and poached egg.

Amuse: Crispy confit of suckling pig with braised endive, crab apples, sweet potato mustard and pork rind.

Entrée: Grilled California sturgeon with sauerkraut gnocchi, Anjou pear and celery root puree.

Amuse: Grapefruit sorbet.

Dessert: Roasted pineapple with brioche ice cream, hibiscus and cinnamon toast.

All this and booze for $80. If it was NY or LA it would’ve been $150. It sounds pretty fancy-pants but all the flavors were very down home, American style cooking. Awesome.

I’m off to Costa Rica tomorrow for a week. My belly is excited.

Cheers,
Scott

P.S. If you’re not watching "Battlestar Galactica," you’re an idiot.

www.myspace.com/scottian
www.nonelouder.com/scottian
http://blogs.scifi.com/battlestar/scottian/

Scott Ian plays guitar for revolutionary metal band Anthrax and also for Pearl.

Artwork credit: Shepard Fairey