The Final Asshole Fuckface Roundup
We had a good run, my little monkeys. This is the final Asshole Fuckface Roundup. Your life is officially empty. Of course, you can always head over to StopAllMonsters and enjoy more AFR, as I will be posting them there. For now, enjoy the final collection of Asshole Fuckfaces. They are nothing special, just your ordinary horrible people.
First up, some fireman Asshole Fuckfacery.
Charles Alexander Diez is not the best firefighter in North Carolina. This week, Chuck took it upon himself to stop people from riding bicycles in dangerous places with their children on the back.
A driver, now identified as an Asheville firefighter, shot a bicycle rider because he was angry the man was riding with his child on a busy road.
Well, that'll keep the kid from getting hurt. Sometimes lessons have to be taught hard and with a bullet. Buddha said that.
Diez spotted the crazy bike rider in a high traffic area. His three-year-old son was in a childs seat on the back. Thankfully, Diez had his weapon, so he could stop the guy from hurting the kid. Thats what guns are for.
First they argued, and then appropriate action was taken.
Diez pulled a gun and opened fire, hitting the victim in his bicycle helmet, according to police.
The helmet saved the guys life. And now the kid knows firemen will kill you if you fuck with them. Win win.
Next up, some banking Asshole Fuckfacery.
Remember when the Republicans fought tooth and nail to make sure bonuses could be paid to bank employees if those banks received TARP funds? Well, it all worked out.
Bonuses paid to executives at nine banks that received U.S. government bailout money in 2008 were greater than net income at some of the banks.
Oh, thank God. For a while, I thought this wouldnt have a happy ending.
Representatives of the banks either declined comment on the report or could not comment immediately.
Wait for them to get the hookers out of their mouths.
Goldman earned $2.3 billion, paid out $4.8 billion in bonuses and received $10 billion in TARP funding.
Youre totally welcome.
Morgan Stanley earned $1.7 billion, paid $4.475 billion in bonuses and received $10 billion in TARP funding.
Glad we could help.
JP Morgan Chase earned $5.6 billion, paid $8.69 billion in bonuses and received $25 billion in TARP funding.
Completely understandable, except to party bummer Andrew Cuomo.
Thus, when the banks did well, their employees were paid well. When the banks did poorly, their employees were paid well. And when the banks did very poorly, they were bailed out by taxpayers and their employees were still paid well.
Shut the fuck up. Why do you hate America, Cuomo? Fucking hippy. You try running a bank and not losing billions of dollars AND your awesome employees.
Again, thanks to the Republicans for fighting restrictions on bonuses. It worked out great.
Next up, some witch doctor Asshole Fuckfacery.
Spells are obviously getting super hard for witch doctors, with the economy being in the tank and all. Some witch doctors have come up with bold new rituals, like Mewalal Chauhan of Lakhimpur Kheri, India.
Villager Ram Niwas came to the witch doctor because he needed male heirs. He had produced sons, but none lived past infancy. The witch doctor had the perfect solution.
A human sacrifice was necessary to get rid of these problems.
Duh. How else do you make boys? Now, should we use a big, burly trucker, or
The witchdoctor, his male assistant and Niwas lured the little girl into a field where Chauhan cut off her head after prayers and rituals, the police officer said.
Right, a little, tiny girl who cant fight back will do. Good luck making a male heir in prison, Ram.
Finally, just straight up Asshole Fuckfacery.
For my final Asshole Fuckface of all time, Id like to go to the state of Ohio. Where else? Alan Patton is a 54-year-old man who lives in Columbus. Hes not the best fella in the world. In 1994, Mr. Patton served four years in prison after raping an 8-year-old boy. Now he has a new hobby.
Police said Patton goes to family restaurants and movie theaters and waits for boys in a bathroom stall. Investigators said he shuts off the water to the child-level urinal and puts a cup in the bottom. "He goes back and retrieves the cup and drinks the urine," Detective Ron Fithen said.
Well, we all have different things we like. When I was a kid, I enjoyed lemon with chocolate chip ice cream. Other people enjoy the taste of boy urine.
Police said Patton told them it makes him sick, but that it's almost spiritual to him.
We each have our own faith. Some just have a different way of expressing it. Patton is man enough to fight through the sickening taste of urine for his faith.
He allegedly added, "I like it because it makes me closer to them -- like I'm drinking their youth."
AHHHHHHHH. Fuck! God dam it! I hate everything now!
I cant think of a more fitting way to end the Asshole Fuckface Roundup. I had a good time here on SG. Most of you are good peeps, while a few of you are complete assholes.
Cheers!
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. You may also enjoy his blog, Stop All Monsters.
Chavez Threatens to Nationalize Several Banks
President Hugo Chavez's 'Bolivarian' revolution has caused a lot of changes in Venezuela since he won a close race back in 1999. His reforms have typically proven to improve the quality of life among the poorest in Venezuela, while making the middle and upper classes very uncomfortable. He has been called everything from "Commie" on the political end of the spectrum to "gorilla" on the racial. Among opposition groups fearful rumors have dominated every debate, and one of the most prevalent rumors has been that of mass nationalizations. Well, this may just come true.
President Hugo Chavez threatened on Saturday to take control of banks that fail to meet state-imposed lending requirements designed to benefit Venezuela's farmers.
Though Chavez claims a Socialist government, and nationalization of banks and private industries is in line with Socialism and Communism, the only major nationalization that has occurred is the nationalization of the national oil company PDVSA, Petróleos de Venezuela Sociedad Anónima, which was used to fund the many social programs and combat reportedly rampant corruption.
Apparently this isn't the first time Chavez has threatened the banks with nationalization
Chavez has threatened banks before, raising the possibility of nationalizing commercial banks last year amid demands they use some of their profits to fund social programs for the poor.
This time, however, he threatens them for violating the law. Chavez accuses the banks of
neglecting laws requiring them to set aside nearly a third of all loans for agriculture, mortgages and small businesses at favorable rates. "The law must be applied," Chavez said during a televised meeting with farmers. Any bank that doesn't comply with these lending requirements "should be seized." Spokesmen for Venezuela's major banks did not immediately return calls from The Associated Press.
I myself am a staunch supporter of the revolution there, but I have to question this move. This will bring back memories of the nationalization of RCTV. While I had a few qualms about the nationalization of RCTV, I felt taking the broadcasters license from RCTV was justified due to their part in the coup d'etat in 2002.
On April 11, 2002, the day of the coup, when military and civilian opposition leaders held press conferences calling for Chávez's ouster, RCTV hosted top coup plotter Carlos Ortega, who rallied demonstrators to the march on the presidential palace. On the same day, after the anti-democratic overthrow appeared to have succeeded, another coup leader, Vice-Admiral Victor Ramírez Pérez, told a Venevisión reporter (4/11/02): "We had a deadly weapon: the media. And now that I have the opportunity, let me congratulate you."
But this in my mind is different. If the Chavez government wants to nationalize a company or aspect of the private sector, they should declare it as part of their plan when they are running for election. Anything else smacks of dishonesty and, in my mind, is a red flag.
I am still a staunch supporter of the Bolivarian movement in Venezuela, but I don't like this threat of nationalization abused like this.
Dear Treasury Department: Go Fuck Yourself
On September 19 2005, China brokered a deal with North Korean madman Kim Jong-il's regime. North Korea was to cease its nuclear program, permit IAEA inpectors in and maintain relations with South Korea. The US, in return, agreed to recognize North Korea's territorial integrity and stop the threats of forcible regime change. The US also said it would revive President Clintons old plan to help North Korea build a light-water nuclear reactor for civilian energy use. The Clinton plan was created with the help of former President Jimmy Carter, who met directly with Jong-il and brokered the deal in 1994.
Countries across Asia breathed a sigh of relief. Thats when the US treasury department fucked the whole thing up with one swift move. The treasury department announced Banco Delta Asia bank could face punitive action under the Patriot Act due to suspicions that North Korea was using it for money laundering and counterfeiting.
This action caused other regional banks to also bail on North Korea because they were fearful of being cut off from the international banking community. North Koreas international trade quickly slowed to a halt. The country could not secure foreign credit or loans. At the same time, US treasury employees were traveling around Asia telling banks not to do business with North Korea.
Surprisingly, North Korea was upset. North Korea decided to boycott any further talks until the US treasury ceased all of its threats. North Korea has made the same demand repeatedly since and said it again this week after the nuclear test. The Bush administration, of course, has not responded. The North Koreans rightfully concluded the Bush administration's position was a serious danger to its regime.
US officials claim the threats made toward Asian banks had nothing to do with the nuclear deal breaking down. The threats just coincidentally came right after a deal was reached and days after North Korea was looking to become less of a threat. On Wednesday Bush accused North Korea of "walking away" from the deal. He then said North Korea alone was to blame for recreating the crisis. At the same time, Bush refuses to hold direct talks with North Korea. Maybe he should take some advice from his Daddy's old Secretary of State Jim Baker, who said, "it's not appeasement to talk to your enemies."
Bush's current policy only encourages North Korea to create more nuclear weapons. The country is already isolated from the international community, so it has little to lose. And Jong-il knows its neighbors China and South Korea will have harsh words but follow up with no action. Another failure for cowboy diplomacy.