Asshole Fuckface Roundup #49
Merry Asshole Fuckface Day. This is the day you look forward to all week, because it makes you feel better about your life. The Buddha was the first guy to say, You know what? We really need to look down on some fuckers. And then Jesus said, No shit, bro. Thats how the Asshole Fuckface Roundup started. True story.
Each week I scour the news to find the worst people on the planet. Then I display them in all their glory for you to mock and imagine throwing rocks at. They are hideous beasts and we are better than them. Hoorah. Now, wrap yourself in several layers of newspaper and prepare yourself mentally, because this is going to be ugly.
My first Asshole Fuckface probably shouldnt be breeding.
Meet Stacie Marie Davis, 29, of Cookeville, Tennessee. Shes the mother of nine-month-old daughter, Autumn. Last week, Stacie and Autumn were sitting on the kitchen floor, when the baby bit Davis on the forehead. Wow. Shocking. Imagine that. Youre just sitting on the floor with your baby when it lashes out and tries to eat your head. What to do?
Police said Davis and her child were sitting on the kitchen floor when Autumn became cranky and fussy. The child bit Davis on the forehead.
"So, I bit her back," Davis said.
Fuck yeah, you did. Dont take no shit from that baby! If she hits you, punch her soft skull. You want some of this shit, baby? Huh? Cause I got more where that come from. You've got to teach that little bitch a lesson, even though she doesnt have the ability to understand reason yet.
Stacie was arrested after a family member snitched. When the police investigated nine hours later, Autumn still had teeth marks on her arm. You know, from where HER MOTHER BIT HER. Autumn has been placed with her father, but Stacie is going to fight to get her daughter back.
Davis still interacts with the child. She said she made a foolish mistake, one she won't do again.
"I'm going to be strong for her and I'm going to her back. I'm going to go to court and do what I have to do and I love her," she said.
Super. And dont chew on your baby anymore.
Thankfully, Davis seems to understand it was wrong.
"It was the wrong thing to do. I got some bad advice and I feel bad about it," she said.
Bad advice? What the fuck? Someone actually recommended this? Hello mystery Asshole Fuckface. Welcome. Now, please bite yourself in the face. (I dont know, either.)
Hopefully, the father isnt Asshole Fuckface Marquis Lee of Newport, Virginia. If that is Autumn's Dad, shes totally fucked.
A 26-year-old man is charged with child abuse after authorities say he threw his 10-month-old daughter at a police officer in a desperate attempt to escape arrest for an earlier incident.
The officer saw Lee walking past, carrying the couple's daughter. When the officer tried to arrest him, Lee allegedly tossed the child at him and tried to run away.
Bad week to be a baby.
Lee has been charged with assault and battery, resisting arrest, child abuse and neglect, and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. I guess there is no specific law against baby throwing.
Next up, an Asshole Fuckface judge.
Oh, Texas, why so batshit crazy?
This week a family in Cameron County sued a judge not for cash, they just want the Asshole Fuckface removed from the bench. Why? Well, it seems their 14-year-old daughter was appearing in Gustavo Garzas court on a charge of truancy and the judge got all Singapore on her ass.
The family alleges that Garza told Zurita to strike his 14-year-old stepdaughter repeatedly on the buttocks in open court. It says the judge told Zurita the girl would be fined $500 if she wasn't paddled.
Zurita said in an affidavit that he didn't feel as though he had a choice and that when he was done, the judge told him he had not struck the girl hard enough.
Um. Thats great for a young girls self image. A nice public ass paddling always does a teen girl good. Im sure she wont be in court for truancy again, mostly because shes still curled up in a ball in her shower.
The word 'club' could be fairly used as a substitute for the word 'paddle' here as it appears to be something which may have been cut from a (2-by-4) piece of lumber," attorney Mark Sossi wrote in the family's petition.
"The paddles provided by the judge are of such heft and weight that an individual striking an animal with one might be reasonably reported for cruelty to an animal.
I guess it really depends on the animal. For instance, a hamster would be pretty fucked, while a cow wouldnt even bat an eye. But neither of those animals are familiar with shame, like a 14-year-old girl.
The judge has refused to say whether or not other people have been spanked in his court and if he jerks off under his robe while the spankings take place. Yesterday, a hearing on his spanking restraining order was postponed so the Asshole Fuckface could find a lawyer. (Apparently, Judge Spanky McSpankerman didn't know he'd need a lawyer.)
Next up, some California tax happy Asshole Fuckfaces.
We here in California are seriously retarded when it comes to taxes. Thirty years ago we approved the horrible tax cut Proposition 13, which has caused our state to turn to shit. Our roads suck. Our schools are a fucking disaster. Every year we cut back on more health services and more and more people suffer. While our idiot lawmakers make sure there are no taxes on luxury yachts, some of them are campaigning to implement a massive tax on porn.
Meet Asshole Fuckface Democrats Cathleen Galgiani and Charles Calderon of the California State Assembly. They think porn is bad and they want it to be taxed like cigarettes and alcohol. They have proposed a 25 percent tax be levied on strip club fees, pornographic movies, pay-per-view films, sex toys and more. If it gives you a boner, or makes your vagina moist, you should have to pay.
The bill would actually be applied to anything that falls under our 2257 Section 18 laws. What does that mean?
Any item, including but not limited to a book, magazine, periodical, film, videotape, digital image or digitally or computer-manipulated image that includes "sexually explicit conduct."
Sexually explicit conduct is defined as "sexual intercourse, including genital-genital, oral-genital, anal-genital or oral-anal, whether between persons of the same or opposite sex; masturbation; sadistic or masochistic abuse; lascivious exhibition of the genitals or pubic area of any person."
So, basically, fun. They want to tax fun.
Asshole Fuckface Calderon has been touring the state with ex-porn stars, who explain how horrible porn is and why it should be taxed. This might be a good time to mention that what an ex porn star thinks of the effects of porn doesnt fucking matter. Then again, we are so fucking moronic, maybe we had ex-brewers tour the state when we were implementing our last alcohol tax.
Shelley Lubben, an ex-porn star who now campaigns against the industry with the group Pink Cross, said a tax is justified because of the ill effects porn has on performers and consumers. Everything from addiction to drugs or sex itself, assault, disease, rape and prostitution can be counted as side effects of the industry, she said.
Heres a tip: How about a psychologist or a medical doctor who has some sort of proof of the negative effects of porn? Oh, you cant find anyone? Well, good luck because for some reason, the I used to fuck on camera lady doesnt really persuade me that I should have to pay more to jerk off.
And thats really what we are talking about here. They are trying to compare it to alcohol and tobacco, but there is no comparison. Porn makes you want to rub you little man in the boat, or tug on your Johnson. It doesnt cause cancer unless youre doing it really, really wrong.
Asshole Fuckfaces Calderon and Galgiani believe the taxes could raise $665 million a year. And who is going to stand up for porn? It's a huge boner kill.
Finally, we come to our video Asshole Fuckface of the week.
John McCains campaign continues to show the world how horribly inept they are when it comes to the internet. It is really astounding how old gramps and his people look every time they come near the crazy world of tubes. This week, they started an online contest to find the best person in the world, or some shit like that.
Holy fucking shit! Dude, you can actually tape that shit more than once. You dont have to go with the first try. And congrats on the lamest contest, ever. Seriously, that should be awesome if you are able to build a time machine and go back about twenty years. Im going to be very inspired by the idiots on You Tube nominating their moronic neighbors because of the perceived right wing selfless acts.
Of course it will lead to the horrible, inevitable posting. Check out this Asshole Fuckface submission:
Asshole Fuckface, indeed.
Congrats to all of this weeks Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each win a FearTheReaper engraved hammer to hit yourselves in the face with.
You're Doing It Wrong, Baby
When I woke up this morning, I thought, "You know, Fluxy, what the world really needs is another article on parenting written by a childless young person." I'm not one to deny The World, so let's hope I don't step on too many toes with this.
A few months back, some of you might remember hearing about a study showing that Baby Einstein and similar media oriented toward smartifying Very Small Persons did, well, the opposite, reducing language skills by about 10%. It's surprising, you know, since we all know that watching TV makes adults much more intelligent than any other activity. But apparently it's so potentially stunting of little minds that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends against children two and under watching any television at all.
Baby Einstein's response?
...The Baby Einstein Company is aware of the ongoing discussions regarding children and television viewing, particularly as it pertains to infants under the age of two years old. And, while we respect the American Academy of Pediatrics, we do not believe that their recommendation of no television for children under the age of two reflects the reality of todays parents, families and households for example, a recent Kaiser Family Foundation study found that 68% of all babies under two years old watch screen media on any given day. The Baby Einstein Company believes that when used properly, developmentally-appropriate video content can be a useful tool for parents and little ones to enjoy together.
Really, you guys? You're using the "but, moooooom, everybody's doing it!" defense?
But perhaps we are being too judgmental of the Baby Einstein™ subsidiary of Disney™. What do those nasty academics poo-pooing the trend of video parenting suggest? Well, interacting and talking with your baby. This is, of course, absurd, as we all know that discussion with our elders only makes us stupid and weak. That's why college is for chumps.
And now, also, apparently, blocks.
I always thought that building blocks were kind of dorky, but the Seattle Children's Hospital Research Institute has found a correlation between stacking blocks and early language skills. Apparently brand names and fancy marketing have no effect on childhood intelligence and happiness. All those pushing Bugaboos and other frou-frou items of the Pants-Pissing Elite may now commence crying into their Cheerios.
Of course, I am not (yet) a mom, and it's a hell of a lot easier for me to say that the Very Small shouldn't be parked in front of the TV, that you should be engaging your kids in age-appropriate, thought-provoking conversation and the building of tiny castles out of preciously retro wooden blocks. I try not to be too much of a sanctimonious mater en potentia.
But convenience culture will be the death of us. Food processed until it contains only the whisper of the essence of life, the triumph of "easy" and "comfortable" over sophistication and self-value, and 68% of parenting through the boob tube? No thanks. I'll be expending some effort.
Flux is actually pretty sanctimonious, but it's not relegated to the subject of children, she promises.
Shockingly, Hollywood Dads Not Thinking of Others
You don't get to do whatever you want. Seems fairly obvious but some people have a hard time grasping this fact.
As much as you'd like to always "follow your dream" and "live in the moment," there are times when you really shouldn't.
An example would be... you probably shouldn't greet the stork with a handshake and a hearty hello when a day later you were planning to pay the ferryman for a boat ride across the river Styx...
Holly Madison, the '#1' girlfriend of 81-year-old Hugh Hefner, is sparking rumors that a baby Hef is on the way after her behavior at the Monte Carlo Television Festival this week. Holly, 27, reportedly abstained from alcohol at a series of parties she attended at the event and spent much of her press tour -- designed to promote Hugh's new reality-tv show The Girls Next Door -- talking about babies.
"I want to have kids with Hef in the next year or so and when that happens I just want it to be me and him."
Good for him! That scenario, I mean. It's good for him and for absolutely no one else.
How about funnyman of yore, Tony Randall, he became a dad at the ripe old age of 79. The old guy, he still had it in 'im! Well, for a little while anyways, he died five years later. Man, who saw that coming! Just bad luck, I guess.
Warren Beatty had a kid at 63. Paul McCartney had one at 62. And the list goes on and on.
Hef actually has four other kids. Now, as stellar of a job as he might've done with the others, father of the year trophies piling up and whatnot, I don't think he should be having a child at the age of eighty-fucking-one. I also believe that other people should feel this way, speak up about it, and shame him into getting spayed.
There's probably a reason why women have a harder time conceiving as they get older, and I'm not sure that reason is so that older dudes have an excuse to fuck young girls.
Fathers? Nope. These guys are basically machines that churn out orphans and single moms. What a great idea. Your withered shell of a carcass gets to play pattycake a few times before shuffling off this mortal coil and leaving behind a kid who will never know its father.
As tempting as it must be to have the chance to yell at someone who looks just like you, I think maybe adopting a kid is the best way to proceed here. Or, getting an animal of some sort. Or, perhaps, being content to continue fucking women decades younger than you until such time as Pluto calls to you from his murky depths...
You don't start sculpting a statue if you're only going to be able to finish the leg (sculptors, feel free to correct me here.) You wouldn't intentionally build half a car would you? Fuck, would you? I'm actually not sure. My analogies are suddenly failing me for some reason...
Maybe I don't need an analogy. Maybe fathering a kid when you have a maximum of five years left on the planet being a horrible idea is plain enough for everyone to see. I bet Tony Randall's eight-year-old agrees with me.
TheCoolerKing continues to not get his pieces done in time for a photo.
Men May Soon be Completely Obsolete
Scientists are researching methods of producing sperm cells from bone marrow. It's been done already with marrow extracted from male subjects, but now the question's been raised about whether it should be tried with females' marrow.
"Theoretically is it possible," Professor Nayernia said. "The problem is whether the sperm cells are functional or not. I don't think there is an ethical barrier, so long as it's safe. We are in the process of applying for ethical approval. We are preparing now to apply to use the existing bone marrow stem cell bank here in Newcastle. We need permission from the patient who supplied the bone marrow, the ethics committee and the hospital itself."
Aside from providing another alternative for otherwise infertile couples, the article points out that this could also be a breakthrough for lesbian couples. Two women could produce a true biological daughter together, eliminating the obstacles faced by having a child who is only biologically tied to one partner. The other partner typically goes through an adoption process, which can be frustrating and difficult.
Creating sperm from women would mean they would only be able to produce daughters because the Y chromosome of male sperm would still be needed to produce sons. The latest research brings the prospect of female-only conception a step closer.
It's only a matter of time, however, before the conservatives start crying about how this procedure would only make it easier for lesbians to breed more lesbians. They seem to love claiming that the children of gay couples will somehow always turn out to be gay.
In any case, who's gonna help me start my lady army?
Jesus' Rebirth...Kinda?
Well, for all of those people waiting on Jesus' return to the world, their expectations could be...sort of right.
Flora is scheduled to give virgin birth to eight babies on Christmas Day this year. Who's Flora? Well, she just so happens to be a komodo dragon living in England's Chester Zoo. But there's a catchin Flora's lifetime, she has never even been introduced to a male of the species, and therefor fertilized all of the eggs on her own. Other species have been known to do this, but this is only the second case in a komodo dragon (the first was mistaken as stored sperm from earlier encounters with males).
Kevin Buley of the Chester Zoo explained how, one day, komodo dragons maybe be socializing with the likes of inbred dregs everywhere:
"The genetics of self-fertilization in lizards means that all her hatchlings would have to be male. These would grow up to mate with their own mother and therefore, within one generation, there would potentially be a population able to reproduce normally on the new island"
That would either lead to one hardcore case of inbreeding, or a species adept enough to repopulate itself anywhere it damn well chooses.
...genetic tests confirmed absolutely that Flora was both the mother and the father of the embryos. It completely blew us away because it (parthenogenesis) has never been seen in such a large species.
Baby Be of Use
Sick of babies not being useful as they sit there and drool and develop mentally while lazily sleeping the days away? Check out Lisa Brown's series of Baby Be of Use books including titles such as Baby Make Me Breakfast, Baby Mix Me a Drink, Baby Fix My Car and Baby Do My Banking. The books are published by McSweeney's in the classic baby board book format, and are delightfully illustrated by the author cover-to-cover. Pick up copies for all your expectant friends and their useless babies here.
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