Sure, those Old Spice ads are pretty goddamn spectacular (even if that stuff probably smells like Deadite). And I know he's on a new series called "Burn Notice" that I've somehow yet to check out... But, I think we can all agree, it's not enough.

Not by a longshot.

Here then, my 9 suggestions for what I'd rather Bruce Fuckin' Campbell were doing right now.

9) Filming another installment in the The Evil Dead, series. No re-make starring some sissy-come-lately, no re-imagining, no "Ash has a kid played by the Dell Computer guy," none of that.

Just film number four, starring Bruce, a shotgun, and a book wrapped in human flesh.

8) Launching "B" the magazine. If it's good enough for Oprah it is undoubtedly good enough for Bruce Campbell. Diet tips, recipes and monthly book recommendations all from Bruce.

7) Starring in a mid-budget, theatrical release that gets legit promotion from a studio. I'll take anything. Bruce as an: underdog ballplayer, down on his luck PI, accountant with a heart of gold, tow-truck driver with a grudge, librarian who never learned how to read. ANYTHING. I don't care, I won't complain, just do it.

6) Making the oft-rumored, yet-to-be delievered sequel to Bubba Ho-Tep supposedly called Bubba Nosferatu. Bruce vs. vampires. Shit yeah.

5) Making and selling handcrafted, custom belt-buckles. Yep... Maybe this one isn't immediately obvious. Basically, I'd like to be at a party sometime, when a random lady looks me up and down before saying, "Nice belt buckle."

At which point, I'd get to say, "Why thank you... BRUCE CAMPBELL MADE IT." I don't know what would happen at that point. But I can tell you it would be awesome.

4) Fighting crime. Yeah, you heard me. I'm sure you're all like "That is ridiculous. The man is an actor, what could he possibly know about law enforcement. He'd get killed."

Maybe. Or maybe, just maybe, he displays heretofore untapped and unrealized powers of strength, speed, and deductive reasoning. A born crime-fighting machine sending evil tumbling in his fearsome wake and ushering in a new era of peace, civility, and goodwill towards ones neighbor.

I would not put it past him.

3) Filming the above. So it can be made into a project titled, "The Greatest Reality Show of All-Time." Yup.

2) Writing a new book. Either a sequel to How To Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way, or maybe another autobiography.

1) Saving the world!! How? Oh, he knows how...



TheCoolerKing is anxiously awaiting the release of "My Name Is Bruce."

Then my balls hits the floor with a metallic clank, rolled under a nearby bookshelf, and exploded like two fucking hand grenades.

I’m totally serious. I may need medical attention, but I’m gonna type fast to get this done.



This could be the greatest B-movie of the modern era. Sure, it looks derivative in spots, but in all the right ways. It has everything you could ever want from a B-picture.

- A-list actors slumming it and having fun: Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti.

- The hero's ill-advised shit-talking in the face of imminent torture. Usually some variation on “I’ll tell you what torture is... your breath!” Always good. Have a mediocre joke? Tie a guy to a chair, have another guy hold a chainsaw over him, then have the first guy say the joke. Yeah, better, right?

- Frames that freeze and turn into a sepia-tone or monochromatic, stylized image. Overused and getting stale, but not there yet. I wish everything I looked at, all day long, froze and turned sepia-tone, before the name of whatever it was whooshed in front of it in bold letters. Girls, cars on the street, my coffee pot… Everything.

- A bad-ass who thinks he’s on top finding out that the mild-mannered guy he was tormenting is actually a bigger bad-ass. Oops. That accountant’s a navy seal? That homeless guy is an ex-green beret? That nerdy kid is a Dracula? Awesome.

- Remember that great scene in "Anchorman" where Will Ferrell gets hit in the face with a filling cabinet drawer? Well, how about in our version a bullet punches the drawer into a dude’s face? Why yes, I would like to see-- Garghhh! (Drops to floor in a spasm, overcome with ecstasy.)

- Throw in a Motley Crue song. Yeah, who knew this’d be on the list? Not me. But when, out of nowhere, “Kick Start My Heart,” blasts onto the screen I got a phantom erection from where my dick used to be. It was… bittersweet.

- Hero unleashing self-deprecating asides. "I'm a British nanny, and I'm dangerous." Oh shit.

- Villain expressing frustration with his minion's inability to get hero, usually with a quip. "My God, do we really suck, or is this guy really that good?" Fuck yeah.

- Huge WTF moment, in this case, hero appearing to plummet into whirling helicopter blades.

- Monica Belluci

See you in September. The line starts right here behind me...


TheCoolerKing enjoys talking in the third person when using italics.