The Centers for Disease control estimates nearly two-thirds of adults in the United States are overweight and the problem is increasing. . As fast food restaurants and fat filled Starbucks pop up on every corner, Americans just get wider and wider. The number one plastic surgery in the US is now liposuction, which is a healthy and delightful replacement for exercise.

The good news is only one out of every five American children is overweight due to sugary snacks like sodas and high-fat diets as well as the copious amount of time they spend in front of the television and video games. Turns out it is difficult to burn calories while you are playing Halo. Enjoy your diabetes, Billy. The solution to our nations husky problem is obvious and simple:We must rebuild our cities so people walk instead of drive. Shouldn’t take long.

But a new horror is waiting on the horizon. Our automobiles may become fatter than we are. Currently Brazil produces ethanol made from sugar cane and it is considered to be very successful. But Brazilians and their autos are just plain sexier than Americans and it is very hot. Our cars don’t have the same advantage. Also, sugar is much cheaper in Brazil than in the United States, so the economics of sugar-based ethanol might not work in America.

Currently sugar in the U.S. is made from two sources: beets in some northern and western states, and cane in a few southern states, as well as Hawaii. Chubby farmers who don’t put stairs in their fields most probably grow it. There is skepticism among some sugar growers that ethanol from sugar will ever work, as they believe the food value is better for sugar. Another concern is that Americans may pull over on roads and start sucking on their exhaust pipes, which would burn their lips.