Asshole Fuckface Roundup #82
As I sit in my moist anti-Asshole Fuckface fort, which is made out of wood and the cries of children, I am weeping. I weep as I read all of the Asshole Fuckfacery occurring in the world. Also, my father will not stop sending me emails about global warming being a myth. The whole thing has me wondering if I am actually his child. Could something so awesome come from something so disturbed? It’s a question Asshole Fuckface researchers will be asking for centuries. But I must work beyond this internal suffering because I have a task at hand. So many count on me to scour the news and find the worst of the worst. Without me, your lives would not have meaning. So put on your favorite burlap vest and pants combo, because this is going to be ugly.
First up, some good old fashioned Taliban Asshole Fuckfacery.
Remember the Taliban? They used to be our friends. As a matter of fact, way, way back in May 2001, George W. Bush gave the Taliban $43 million. I wonder how they used that money? Anyway, now the Taliban have moved into Pakistan, for the most part. And things are going very well for them, which means things are not going well for humans known as females. The Taliban has pretty much taken over the Swat Valley, which means no schools and no music and no…um…banknotes.
The Pakistani Taliban dumped the 27 bodies at a crossroads in the district capital of Swat, all of people whom the militant Islamists accused of having led "un-Islamic" lives. Around the body of a dancer, the killers threw banknotes and DVD recordings of her performances.
Swat, a 3,500-square-mile valley, was Pakistan's favorite honeymoon spot, a mountainous area filled with fruit orchards and rushing streams. Now it's under a reign of terror that a yearlong army operation has proved unable to lift. Most of Swat is now under the extremists' control, locals say.
Yay! War on Terror fail! A couple of weeks ago, the Taliban banned schooling for girls. And they are pretty serious about it.
The Islamic extremists blew up eight more schools, six in Mingora, which had been thought to be the safest place in Swat. The insurgents have destroyed at least 186 government schools.
That's a promising sign for the future.
In recent weeks, residents who have crossed the TTP have been strung-up from trees, beaten, or had their shops destroyed while markets have been ruled “no go” areas for women.
Right. We can’t have women shopping now, can we? The Taliban have also destroyed 80 video shops, 22 barbershops and 20 bridges. Thank God the CIA helped create them and we moved the war to Iraq before we accomplished anything in Afghanistan. This is all going to end so well.
Next up, our own little Taliban Asshole Fuckfaces.
Now, our Taliban is not as bad as the actual Taliban, mostly because they can’t get away with the same horrible stuff. But if they could, they would. For now, they just focus on the horror of teenage lesbians.
A California appeals court ruled Monday that a Christian high school can expel students perceived to be lesbians, upholding a 2008 lower court ruling that there were "no triable" elements to the case.
Wow. So. Huh. I am at a loss on this one. I can actually think of nothing better in high school that 16-year-old lesbians, but I guess I’m crazy.
Kudos to the court for making discrimination okey-dokey. Next up, we should allow businesses to fire people of Romanian ancestry. Seriously. Are you okay working with vampires? I know I’m opposed on moral, religious and because I’m alive grounds. Also, my blood is super tasty, like a honey baked ham. So, let’s do it. We need to stop vampires, as well as 16-year-old lesbians.
Next up, some automobile maker Asshole Fuckfacery.
Remember, way, way, way back in December 2008, when Congress gave automakers a bailout? And remember how some Democratic members of Congress wanted to attach a provision that would stop those companies from suing states to prevent stricter fuel efficiency standards? And to get the deal done, Democrats had to give in the Republicans? Well, how well did that turn out?
Automakers Rep: We'll Keep Suing
In a telephone interview this morning, Charles Territo, a spokesman for the Alliance of Automobile Manufacturers, which is a party to two of the lawsuits now in federal court, said that the association had no intention of altering its strategy just because some of its members had recently received billions in public money.
“Keep in mind that the money that was given was one to two manufacturers [GM and Chrysler]," he said. "And all manufacturers have opposed the standards. Those lawsuits were brought by the entire industry, to protect the longstanding federal law that says that fuel efficiency standards should be set at the federal level and not by individual states.”
Awesome. So, they are using taxpayer money to sue…taxpayers. Fantastic no strings with the money fail. That’s what a Bush presidency gets you.
It should be noted that the auto manufacturers have so far lost all the cases that have gone to trial. They have appealed those decisions.
And it’s a total waste of money. Surprise.
Finally, some really cold Asshole Fuckfacery.
Isn’t it awesome that we live in a country that allows people to freeze to death if they can’t pay their bills? How great does that make you feel?
A 93-year-old man froze to death inside his home just days after the municipal power company restricted his use of electricity because of unpaid bills, officials said.
Swell with pride. Enjoy your FREEDOM!
Marvin E. Schur died "a slow, painful death," said Kanu Virani, Oakland County's deputy chief medical examiner, who performed the autopsy.
Fucker owed Bay City Electric Light & Power money. It’s called paying your way, bitch. He owed over $1000. That’s a lot of money.
Now, obviously, the company feels quite bad and they want to do everything possible to avoid such situations in the future. To this end, Bay City's Manager Robert Belleman had some advice:
"I've said this before and some of my colleagues have said this: Neighbors need to keep an eye on neighbors," Belleman said. "When they think there's something wrong, they should contact the appropriate agency or city department."
Um. Yes, Mr. Asshole Fuckface. This is totally a neighbor thing. You should not, in any way, have to make sure people’s lives are not at risk when you cut off their heat in the dead of winter.
Finally, I’d like to point out that this fucker should have gotten a job instead of sitting around his house all day being old.
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.
Bail The Shit Out Of Detroit
Its time for America to get its bailout on again. Detroit has turned into a giant bag of ass and we need to do something about it. They want 25 billion. I say we give it to them. Why? Because Im a socialist? Nope. Because we are heading toward a deep, deep recession and the last thing we need is to lose 3 million jobs.
A study just published by the Michigan-based Center for Automotive Research (CAR) predicted that three million people would lose their jobs in the first year after such a Big Three meltdown, swelling the ranks of the unemployed by nearly one-third nationally and leading to hundreds of billions of dollars in lost income.
So, we can pay for it with a bailout, or pay for it in unemployment insurance, welfare and an increase in crime.
Oh, I know. The car companies are complete fuck ups. No argument here. While the right wing continues its rant that this is the fault of unions, Im going to actually go with the facts. The mistakes of the auto companies were made at the top. They were made by throwing their weight behind cars like the Hummer, while Toyota was going with the Prius. While Detroit was cranking out Explorers and Escalades, Japan was whipping out the Civic Hybrid. Most of us crazy liberals just sat back watching the retarded actions of both government and the auto companies with depressed amusement. Yeah, I wrote government. Bush is very responsible for the current state of the auto industry because he gave massive tax breaks to people buying Hummers and refused to up standards. What we are seeing now is the result of a fantastically shortsighted and heinous energy policy. But, then, what has Bush touched that has not turned into a flaming pile of shit?
Our retarded Republican friends would like everyone to think the auto companies are in this position because of unions. Uh huh. Right. The workers are at fault for the collapse of the company. Thats usually how it works. Please ignore the facts.
In its contract last year, the UAW made painful concessions, adopting a two-tier wage structure, such that new employees make just $12 to $15 an hour. The move is projected to bring the American manufacturers in line with their Japanese rivals' non-union labor costs in the near future.
In addition, the union has taken responsibility for providing retiree healthcare, thereby eliminating one of the last remaining competitive disadvantages for the American manufacturers' unionized workforce as compared to their Japanese rivals.
The horrible, horrible union has done its part to save the company, so shut the fuck up, you incredible idiots. The estimated cost of health care for each GM car is $1,500. Considering most other countries have universal health care, our auto industry is starting in a hole, which just happens to coincide with the profit difference.
But, the right wing is against health care, so we cant do that. And we cant have unions. And we cant save the car companies with a bail out. Sorry, we just have to let em fold and put 3 million Americans out of work. Then we will not pass an extension for unemployment and they will have to become criminals to survive. Then we will put them in jail where they belong. Fucking criminal assholes.
Automobile companies are in bad shape because they made bad choices. They went for the short sighted big buck, the one that would make them the most in the moment, you know, like all those financial companies we just bailed out. Except, the car companys actions were stupid instead of criminal. And now they are getting hammered by
right, the credit problem which was created by a lack of regulation on Wall Street. Companies like GM survive on credit. They need it to pay the companies that produce the parts they use to make cars. With no credit, the whole thing collapses. And its the reason we cant allow GM to declare bankruptcy.
GM won't be able to file Chapter 11.
But GM can't build cars without parts, and it can't get parts without credit. Chapter 11 companies typically get that sort of credit from something called Debtor-in-Possession (DIP) loans. But the same Wall Street meltdown that has dragged down the economy and GM sales has also dried up the DIP money GM would need to operate.
That's why many analysts and scholars believe GM would likely end up in Chapter 7 bankruptcy, which would entail total liquidation.
Sweet. Total liquidation. That should be awesome for any future wars we have to fight. We dont need those companies to produce equipment for our forces or anything.
What everyone also seems to be missing are Detroits advances. The companies are actually turning the corner, and in some cases possibly moving ahead of Japan.
So far, the results are promising. According to the most recent Harbour Report, the benchmark guide for manufacturing prowess, Chrysler's factories now match Toyota's for the most productive, while both Ford's and GM's are improving. (A Toledo Jeep factory was actually named the nation's most efficient.) Consumer Reports now says Ford's reliability is approaching that of perennial leaders Honda and Toyota, whose ratings actually slipped last year. In late 2010, GM will introduce the Chevrolet Volt, a plug-in hybrid that can go 40 miles without gas, and the Chevrolet Cruze, a compact that relies solely on gas but that gets 45 miles to the gallon. The Volt would represent a rare leap ahead of the Japanese, who never embraced plug-in technology with the same enthusiasm.
No bailout means kissing the Volt and possibly its technology good bye.
"Maybe those engineers get rehired, maybe not," says Case Western's Susan Helper. "But you lose those working relationships; you lose all the time invested. ... [People] don't really have a sense of the things that have to get put in motion, when you have ten-year planning horizons for new engines. When you disrupt that, it's very costly."
Sounds awesome. The Volt has been in development for a decade, so lets toss it out the window. Its totally what we need with peak oil staring us in the face and companies like Tesla falling apart because of the credit crunch.
Or, you know, we could go with the free market plan. Lets see how that would play out.
1. GM files for Chapter 7 bankruptcy
2. GM's Chinese partner, SAIC, buys much of GM (Buick, Chevy, Cadillac)
3. GM/SAIC starts importing Chinese-made Buicks and Chevys, undercutting Toyota's cost advantages
4. GM/SAIC owns the Volt technology, requiring US firms to lease it if they wanted to use it.
Sweet. Theres your free market at work. Im sure the right wing would love our car companies and their technology being owned by the Chinese. Right? Hello?
The bailout needs to happen, but unlike the idiotic one we just gave to Wall Street, it should come with strings. First, fire every asshole working at the top of these companies. Get em out. They are idiots and have been fighting against regulation and EPA standards that would have pushed them in the direction of profitability today. Fuck em. Bring in someone who is innovative and has actually made a lot of money, like a Bill Gates or a Steve Jobs. Make standards and new regulations part of the bailout deal. We have been at a political standstill for years because of the many lawmakers beholden to automakers and their employees. Now it is time to get what should have been done years ago done.
Of course, the right sees this as a way to destroy one of Americas most powerful unions, so they are against it. Youll see a lot of the assholes who voted for the Wall Street bailout saying this is a bad idea because they want to kill the union. They are okay losing 3 million jobs for ideology. Meanwhile, they cant handle the idea of universal healthcare and love spending shitloads of money in Iraq. They are amazing idiots. If you support the Iraq War and all it has cost, yet argue against a bailout, please explain to me why I shouldnt be able to shit down your throat. Because I dont see any difference between you and a toilet.
FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.