Thank God for Daylight Saving Time!
Hopefully, you had fun this past weekend. If you didn't, you can at least rest assured that you had a better time than Adriana Torres-Flores.
A woman was locked for four days in a tiny holding cell in a northern Arkansas courthouse, forgotten by the authorities and left without food or water, the local Sheriffs Department said Tuesday.
The woman, Adriana Torres-Flores, 38, a longtime illegal immigrant from Mexico, slept on the floor with only a shoe for a pillow, and with nothing to drink except her own urine, The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette reported. There was no bathroom in the cell.
A bailiff had apparently forgotten that he placed Ms. Torres-Flores, a mother of three, in the cell last Thursday, and simply left her in the empty courthouse, in Fayetteville, over the weekend, said the chief deputy of the Washington County Sheriffs Department, Jay Cantrell. A snowstorm meant that there were far fewer people than usual working at the courthouse on Friday.
He just flat forgot about her, Mr. Cantrell said, adding that the bailiff, Jarrod Hankins, had been placed on administrative leave, having been on the job a few months. It was just a horrible mistake, Mr. Cantrell said.
I really don't think, "Oh, shit ... sorry about that, ma'am! He's new here.", works as an excuse in a situation like this.
But, she must've been in there for a really good reason. Probably drugs, DUI, murder ... something like that, right?
... she had been among numerous people arrested at a flea market on charges related to the sale of pirated DVDs and CDs.
Oooh ... copyright infringement. She deserved hard time.
Understandably, her lawyer and the A.C.L.U. are probing the incident a little more deeply, trying to determine if this is simply another example of an ongoing pattern of mistreatment of Hispanics.
In Little Rock, Rita Sklar, executive director of the A.C.L.U. of Arkansas, said the organization was very concerned.
There certainly have been a lot of problems in that corner of the state, in terms of police treatment of Latinos and bigoted statements by government officials, Ms. Sklar said. Were looking into the general problem in northwest Arkansas of racial profiling and abuse of power.
My guess is that her flea market days are over. Illegal immigrant or not, she'll most likely soon be receiving a hefty settlement from the great State of Arkansas.
Hopefully, they'll also drop the charges against her.
She's already done her time.
Asshole Fuckface Roundup
The Lord specifically created Saturday just for the Asshole Fuckface Roundup! If there was not an Asshole Fuckface Roundup, there would only be six days in a week. Many of you kids read news stories but couldnt pick an Asshole Fuckface over a hero. That is why Im here. I scour the news to find the weeks biggest Asshole Fuckfaces and then I lay them out so you can look and shake your heads. Hang on to your soft, little panties and take a look at this week's winners.
There is nothing like having a racist, Asshole Fuckface moron working for the State Department.
Patrick Syring retired from the Foreign Service after a twenty-year career. His retirement just happened to coincide with his indictment for federal charges of threatening and violating civil rights laws. Syring began sending messages to the Arab American Institute a year ago by email and phone while working for the State Department. The messages were really smart and well thought out.
"The only good Lebanese is a dead Lebanese. The only good Arab is a dead Arab.
"You wicked evil Hezbollah-supporting Arabs should burn in the fires of hell for eternity and beyond," Syring wrote in one e-mail, according to the prosecutors. "The United States would be safer without you."
Syring, also praised Israeli forces for "bombing Lebanon back to the Stone Age where it belongs" and said, "Arabs are dogs," according to an e-mail cited in the indictment.
Being the genius that he is, Syring also identified himself in one of the phone messages and sent e-mails from his personal account. I can only assume it went something like: Arabs are all filthy animals, sincerely Patrick Syring, of the State Department.
My next Asshole Fuckface is a mine owner.
While most mine owners are Asshole Fuckfaces, Bob Murray is especially awful and well-connected. Murray is in the news this week because 6 miners are trapped in one of his mines. Did I mention that he is well-connected?
Murray has personally donated $115,050 to Republican political candidates over the past three election cycles. He has given another $724,500 to the GOP over the past ten years through political action committees connected to his businesses.
Murray runs some quality mining companies.
Murray's Galatia mine in southern Illinois has racked up 2,787 violations over the past two years. MSHA has proposed more than $2.4 million in fines at Galatia, according to Gehrke's reporting.
In 2003 a Murray owned mine in Ohio was shut down because of repeated safety problems. Being the colossal Asshole Fuckface that he is, Murray threatened to have employees of the Mine Safety and Health Administration fired.
"I will have your jobs. They are gone. The clock is ticking," Murray was quoted saying at the meeting.
Must be nice to have so much money that you can threaten to have government employees fired. Murray went on to name his Republican buddies.
"Mitch McConnell calls me one of the five finest men in America, and last time I checked he was sleeping with your boss," Murray told the inspectors, referring to the senior GOP senator from Kentucky.
McConnell is the Republican leader of the Senate and he also happens to be married to Labor Secretary Elaine Chao. She happens to oversee MSHA. Murray has given McConnell $176,800 in campaign donations since 2001.
Tim Thompson was a district manager for MSHA. He had the misfortune of being one of the people who was threatened by Murray. He was then transferred to an office away from any of Murrays mines. Nice little world these Asshole Fuckfaces live in, isnt it?
And I cant let this subject pass without giving a special Asshole Fuckface shout out to George Bush. In October 2006, Bush used a recess appointment to put Richard Stickler in charge of the nations mine safety. Note that date. Stickler was so unpopular that he could not get through a GOP controlled Senate.
In the wake of the January 2006 Sago mine disaster in West Virginia, senators from both sides of the aisle expressed concern that Stickler was not the right person to combat climbing death rates in the nation's mines.
Why? Because Stickler used to manage mining operations and some miners died while he was in charge. Some of the deaths were a result of poor maintenance. Senators thought an industry insider should not oversee safety inspections.
I wish I could think of a reason why a guy like Murray was not pressured to make his mines safer.
Thank God some Asshole Fuckfaces in Arkansas have finally fixed the laws so you can marry and fuck a baby!
The entire Arkansas Legislature gets the nod for being Asshole Fuckfaces in this mess; with a special mention for bill sponsor Representative Will Bond. Legislation was passed that was meant to make 18 the minimum age to marry, while also allowing pregnant teens to marry if their parents gave the OK. But someone put an extra not in the bill and now anyone who is not pregnant can get married at any age. Get down there rich pedophiles and buy a kid while you can!
The bill reads: "In order for a person who is younger than eighteen (18) years of age and who is not pregnant to obtain a marriage license, the person must provide the county clerk with evidence of parental consent to the marriage."
Now the legislature might have to call a special session to fix the mistake because they know the backwards freaks of Arkansas will quickly start marrying babies.
"We need a special session to fix this," Sen. Sue Madison said. "I am concerned about pedophiles coming to Arkansas to find parents who are willing to sign a very young child's consent."
Whoa. Why do you think it will just be people coming from outside Arkansas, sister? Have you ever seen the people who live in your state?
My last Asshole Fuckface wants to make a buck and doesnt give a shit who may get hurt.
Everyone working at the Internet company Intelius is an Asshole Fuckface. The company has a great business plan, for just a couple of bucks they will give out anyones cell phone number. What an awesome idea! What problems could possibly come from giving out a private cell phone number to any clown who wants it?
"I deliberately got a cell phone within days of my leaving so that I could not be traced," said Sara, who escaped from an abusive husband. She now risks having her cell phone number and other personal information, including current and past home addresses, available to anyone with online access.
Oh, right. Victims of domestic violence, sexual assault and stalking kinda dont want to be bothered by their abusers.
For years, domestic violence, sexual assault and stalking victims could keep out of the phone book by using a cell phone. Not anymore! It might also be a wonderful service for pedophiles because childrens numbers will be available.
A stalker only needs to pay $7 to $15 dollars and they will get the mobile phone number and in some instances a home address. Intelius buys the information from sources like the government and third party companies. The company already has 90 million cell phone numbers and will be adding 70 million more this week.
Congrats to all of this weeks Asshole Fuckfaces. You each will receive a FearTheReaper lampshade!
How To Make Bush Look Good
It is a difficult prospect to wrap your brain around. How could Bush possibly look like a good president ever again? The answer is simple. It has been sitting right in front of us the entire time. Dennis Milligan, the new chairman of the Arkansas Republican Party, broke it down.
He said hes 150 percent behind Bush on the war in Iraq.
At the end of the day, I believe fully the president is doing the right thing, and I think all we need is some attacks on American soil like we had on [Sept. 11, 2001 ], and the naysayers will come around very quickly to appreciate not only the commitment for President Bush, but the sacrifice that has been made by men and women to protect this country, Milligan said.
Um, wait. Doesnt that mean Bush would have failed? Give me a minute for me to figure this out. So, youre saying that if terrorists kill people in the US, then we should thank our lucky asses that Bush was in office? But Bush said he was fighting them over there so that they dont kill us here. And what about the dead people? Should they be mad at Clinton?
Im going to create a scenario here in hopes of wrapping my brain around this. Okay, Im a guy living in Bend, Indiana. I work at Dunkin Donuts. Two kids. I complain to all the guys at the bar about my wife but I love her dearly because I have low self-worth and dont think anyone else would take me. We are both fat.
I originally supported Bush because he looked good on the news and he said he was going to get those fuckers who attacked our towers. They attacked America, even though it was the part full of queers and Jews, I was still pretty pissed. So we invaded Afghanistan because they attacked us. Then we invaded Iraq because they attacked us. But then we started losing and I got bummed out. Were supposed to win! And fast, like a couple of weeks. Bing, bang, in - out. That's how war is now. I dont like losing. Now I dont like Bush. But at least he kept them terrorists from killing anyone here. I still dont think hes a good president, though.
BOOM! Holy shit! They blew up the Staples Center in Los Angeles. Im pissed, even though it was full of queers and Jews. Bush just came on the TV and said he was going to get those fuckers! Hell, yes, he is. And I support him fully. As a matter of fact, I was wrong about not supporting Bush and now I
believe fully the president is doing the right thing, and I
appreciate not only the commitment for President Bush, but the sacrifice that has been made by men and women to protect this country.
Sometimes I put three dot in, like this...when I talk. I dont know why I do that. Anyway, when the fuck is the greatest president ever going to bomb Iran?
Oh. That does work.
True Stories by Rob Corddry: Harold and Kumar Journal
When it is my privilege to be working on a motion picture I often keep a journal of the process, both for posterity and so that, someday, young aspiring filmmakers may glean whatever knowledge they can from its pages. I am not alone. William Hurt keeps painstaking photo journals of his experiences in front of the lens. Pacino writes letters to his daughter while on set. Clooney films himself fucking black ladies in run down hotels. I have my journals. I humbly offer them to you
The following diary excerpts are for serious film aficionados only. They are not meant for the general public.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Im off to Shreveport to shoot a part in Harold and Kumar II. This installment finds the boys having to deal with Kumars newly diagnosed cancer and his subsequent expulsion from the prestigious Philadelphia law firm at which he has found himself working. Dakota Fanning co-stars as a precocious young Swedish immigrant who is forced to work in a Chinatown sweatshop sewing pockets into baby onesies. She organizes the laborers and subsequently teaches Harold how to love again. Its a dense, touching script notable mainly for its liberal use of symbolism (what baby actually NEEDS pockets?).
I play Ron Fox, Deputy Secretary of Homeland Security. To prepare for the part I rode with members of the LAPD Terrorist Division for a week. Its important as an actor to walk in the shoes of the people whom you are portraying. I also I watched a doctor perform open-heart surgery, I deprived myself of sleep for three days and I went feral dog hunting in rural Arkansas. Oh, and I worked extensively with a dialogue coach. The more work you do preproduction, the brighter the light shines behind your eyes.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Shreveport is a quaint berg in the Northwestern corner of Louisiana. Im staying in a hotel that houses a casino so there is potential cancer everywhere. I may wrap myself in Saran if I ever go downstairs. I must be physically able to play this role every day. That means not getting cancer.
My wife and I tried for hours to get a video iChat going but to no avail. We kept getting a Communication Error. Hold on! I have to write that down! Thatll be great for the observational stand-up routine Im working on. Im thinking about getting back into comedy as a lark. Speaking of which, Im a block away from Shreveports Funnybones Comedy Club. There were some people inside the club sitting at the bar so I decided to give them a little treat. I went up to the window and did some of my trademark goofy faces. You should have seen them trying not to laugh! They were actually pretty good at it. Then I did the elevator trick, the canoe trick and the escalator trick. They looked at each other and pretended to be confused. They were pretty good at that too! Ahhh, what a treat for them!
I awoke this morning at the crack of 10:30 AM and called my wife. She was up with the baby at five. We laughed and laughed.
Tonight I went to dinner with the director. We sipped Anisette and talked well into the night about cinematography, Panavision, aperture, Germans, location-scouting and other relevant topics. These dinners are ubiquitous in the film world and go a long way to make one feel comfortable with his director. Tomorrow, the process officially begins. I start shooting.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Woke up at the ass-crack of dawn and shot all fucking day. Thirteen hours! This is fucking bullshit! And this hotel blows! There is someones fucking cum stains on my desk chair!
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Ahhhhhh the process! The art of film! I feel like an ancient vase filled only three quarters full with the sweet milk of experience! I must spend the weekend preparing for next Wednesday when I shoot again! I must experience life to its fullest while also making time to pour over my script, making choices, rewriting lines, etc.
So I jump in my rented Ford Fusion and Im off to Hot Springs, Arkansas. There I will literally soak in natures own bathtub while symbolically soaking in America! I love being literal while also being symbolic!
Three hours and two bags of Wild Buffalo Ranch Doritos later I am sitting in my room at the majestic Arlington hotel. Presidents have stayed here! I mean, a President has stayed here! What better place to make my nest?
I eat BBQ at McLards, arguably the best in Arkansas. I order the Ribs and Fry. Seven Budweisers and an hour later Im throwing up in the restroom so as to make room for more pork. Bulimia is a lot like life, dont you think? Experience is the pork of existence!
Sunday, January 28, 2007
I arrive in Memphis just in time to eat some fried catfish and catch a band called the Dempseys. They are very accomplished musicians that play Rockabilly while standing on their instruments and making funny faces. A woman named Harmony asks me if I am THE Rob Corddry and I spend the next three hours indulging her in some of the more ribald tales of my times treading the boards back at New York Citys Soho Rep. She is an eager student and is desperate for me to meet the most popular blogger in town who is at the end of the bar. I, of course, dont even own a computer (I write on a roll of toilet paper with a pen that Faulker once used as a sex toy) but I decide to give the kid a treat. His name is Paul Ryburn. We shake hands and he takes a picture of me with the aforementioned ladies. I find him chubby.
He calls the following series of letters and punctuation a web address:
http://www.paulryburn.com/blog/2007/01/wild-sunday-night-celebrity-sighting.html
Tomorrow I plan to visit Sun Records, land a recording contract and revolutionize music. If I have time, Ill visit the former home of the undisputable King of Rock n Roll, Jamie Foxx. Lots to do!
Monday, January 29, 2007
I slept all day long. Hungover as fuck. This is bullshit!
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Ahhh the road! I swallow every grey inch of her and she passes through me like a shamans holy cord, cleansing and leaving me empty. Gloriously empty! Its back to Shreveport for me. Before I leave Ill hit Graceland where Ill celebrate an era when it was acceptable to be completely ridiculous all of the time. On the way Ill pass through Little Rock and return a book to the Clinton Presidential Library (Truly Tasteless Jokes Vol. IV).
Tomorrow I return to the set. John Cho and I will meet early in the morning to do some repetition exercises (Meisner stuff real heady) and then Ill go through my pre-shoot day ritual (Linklater vocal exercises, exfoliation, fingerpainting). If I have time, dear reader, Ill continue these pages. Perhaps Ill even include a picture of my cum-stained desk chair. Until then
New York Times Pulls A Fox News
The New York Times continues to go down the shitter as they attempt to fight off the conservative attacks by placating them. This time the story involves a blatant attack on Hillary Clinton and the Democrats by reporter Anne Kornblut.
Kornblut was reporting on Senator Clintons trip to Arkansas and decided to spice it up with some creative editing. This is how Clintons speech to the Arkansas Federation of Democratic Women was reported:
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, returning to her red-state ties, chastised Democrats Saturday for taking on issues that arouse conservatives and turn out Republican voters rather than finding consensus on mainstream subjects.
Without mentioning specific subjects like gay marriage, Mrs. Clinton said: We do things that are controversial. We do things that try to inflame their base.
Wow, thats a pretty bold statement from Hillary, but mostly because Kornblut removed the part of the quote that mentions Republicans. Here's what Clinton said:
You know, Blanche Lincoln has a bill to make healthcare affordable for small business, I have a bill I was talking to you about with respect to energy independence, we have legislation sitting in the Senate to address these problems. But with the Republican majority, that's not their priority. So we do other things, we do things that are controversial, we do things that try to inflame their base so that they can turn people out and vote for their candidates. I think we are wasting time, we are wasting lives, we need to get back to making America work again, in a bipartisan, nonpartisan way.
The reporter also takes a shot at the Clintons marriage when she makes sure to emphasize that Bill was supposed to make the trip but instead went to Africa. She (Hillary) made the trip solo. Quality reporting from the New York Times.