Why Can't I Know What Bush and Gore Talked About? Not Fair!
Aw, look it's the elected President and the appointed President side by side. It's enough to give me douche-chills. Bush looks like he's trying to smile while shitting his pants and Gore looks as though he is pretending not to smell it.
The photo op happens every year in honor of the American Nobel Prize winners. Even though Bush and Cheney's friends over at Fox think that Al Gore should have given his Nobel Peace Prize to the troops, Bush was cordial to Mr. Gore. Bush was the one that called Gore and encouraged him to show up. He even changed the date so that Gore could attend. And then, King Bush granted Gore 30 minutes of his time for a private chat.
This begs the question. What the hell did those two talk about?
Of course, we talked about global warming the whole time, Mr. Gore said afterward, as he and his wife, Tipper, emerged onto Pennsylvania Avenue, where they were mobbed by reporters and photographers.
The New York Times continued:
No surprise there; Mr. Gore, whose documentary, An Inconvenient Truth, won an Academy Award, is a staunch critic of the Bush administrations environmental policy.
Um, is it just me or doesn't that read like Gore was being totally sarcastic? "Oh yeah, we talked about global warming. Totally. I couldnt get W. to shut the fuck up about it. Global warming this, climate crisis that, and on and on."
Luckily, I have a friend on the inside and I present this secret transcript of what really went on behind closed doors between Bush and Gore last week.
BUSH: Heh. Heh. (Singing) Gore, Gore, Bo, Bore
Banana Fana Fo Fore--
GORE: Okay. (Forces laugh) Okay. Listen, we only have 28 minutes left so
BUSH: Oooh. You can tell time. You're a smarty pants. I'm just a dummy who got Cs at Yale. Is that what you mean?
GORE: No. I didnt mean it that way. It's just that well, the Kyoto--
BUSH: Hey, Cheney's at the doctor and I think I know where he hides the keys to his man-sized safe. Wanna look? You distract his assistant by farting and I'll--
GORE: No. No. Listen, George. We have 25 minutes. About the climate crisis--
BUSH: (Singing) Time is on my side, yes it is!
GORE: I'm just going to talk and you can keep singing if you want to, if that's how we have to do this.
BUSH: Hey, I saw you on "30 Rock". That was pretty funny. Condi explained the references to me. Then I got mad. Was that fun?
GORE: Actually, yeah. Yeah. I liked being on set.
BUSH: Yeah, I want to do that show. I dont think that Alec Baldwin likes me very much though.
GORE: Well, he didnt say anything about--listen, George. We're getting off track here. The Arctic is--
BUSH: Oh, look at that. Thirty minutes. Nice talking to you Al. Hey, is that short for Alan or Alexander? I never knew. Never mind, I'll just call you Gorey. Heh. Heh.
Mr. Bushs press secretary, Dana Perino, told reporters there was no bad blood between them.
This president does not harbor any resentments, Ms. Perino said. He never has.
Heart-warming. That is so big of the President. Imagine that? He has no hard feelings towards Gore for winning the popular election and then bowing to the Supreme Court in order to put Bush in office.
Here is what Gore told reporters about the meeting:
It was a private meeting, he said, and Im not going to say anything about it other than that it was very nice, very cordial. He was very gracious in setting up the meeting, and it was a very good and very substantive conversation. Thats all.
What's with all the secrecy? Maybe Gore will whisper the entire conversation in someone's ear at an auction a la Carly Simon when she revealed the subject of her song, "You're So Vain." Start saving your pennies if you want to be the lucky bidder. Until then...let's speculate!
Get The Fuck Over Gore, Already
Did anybody notice that Al Gore could not beat one of the lamest presidential candidates in the year 2000? Did anyone happen to see one of the most pathetic campaigns ever run that year? Anyone watch the debates, where Al Gore had his clock cleaned by a guy who can barely speak? Anyone? Apparently not because according a new Pew Poll, Gore is sitting third among Democratic voters for president.
Hillary Clinton 44%
Barack Obama 40%
Al Gore 34%
John Edwards 24%
Bill Richardson 14%
Shorty Kucinich 12%
Corporate Biden 11%
Chris Dodd 8%
Maybe those are just the people who dont want to vote for a black guy or a woman. But that is probably just hopeful thinking on my part. In all probability, those 34% are yearning for a man who does not exist. A man who looked really super when he was on film, with a slide show and gadgets to make him appear much more exciting than he is in real life. I know that to be true because on Democratic website after Democratic website I keep reading the same thing: Im waiting for Al to jump in.
Really? Because Im waiting for my pants to join the race, or that old tire in my garage, or any lifeless object that is laying around. What the fuck is wrong with you people? The guy defines stiff. He is a door. He has become the darling of the Democratic Party because he has taken on a cause that no one is against and he made a movie about it. Wow. Just forget about the fact that he sucked as a candidate because you saw a giant him in a movie theater.
At this point, the Democrats are a shoe-in for the presidency. Every single viable Republican candidate is strongly for the Iraq war. Fred Thompson is now the leading Republican candidate and he is gung-ho for the war, which means he will lose the election. The only guy who can stop the Democrats from winning is Al Gore because he is a disaster of a presidential candidate. Let it go people, let it go.
(I say all this now because Chuck Hagel has not entered the race yet, but when he does he will win.)
Nobel Fucking Peace Prize Nomi-fucking-nation, Bitch
Two Norwegians nominated Al Gore for the Nobel Peace Prize for his work to put the threat of climate change on the US agenda. Conservative Børge Brende and Socialist Heidi Sørensen nominated Gore along with Canadian environmentalist Sheila Watt-Cloutier.
"Al Gore has done a very important job as former US VP and has created so much pressure in the USA that for the first time President Bush must now say that climate change is a problem. No other single person in the last year has done so much to put the threat of climate change on the agenda, and contributed to lasting changes in international policy," Børge Brende said.
Of course the right wing lost their shit when they heard about the nomination. Instead of sitting back and taking it, they came out swinging. Mark Levin, a conservative radio host and incredible douchebag has announced that his Landmark Legal Foundation has nominated Rush Limbaugh for the Nobel Peace Prize. Limbaugh is coincidentally also a member of the board of advisors at Landmark.
Limbaugh
was nominated for the prestigious award for his "nearly two decade of tireless efforts to promote liberty, equality and opportunity for al humankind, regardless of race, creed, economic stratum or national origin. These are the only real cornerstones of just and lasting peace throughout the world," said Landmark President Mark R. Levin.
Yeah! Fuck you, Al Gore. The best Nobel Peace Nominations come from a place of pure hatred and are done simply for revenge. And anyone can do it! Unless of course, there are some rules or something...
Nomination to the Nobel Peace Prize is by invitation only. The Nobel Committee sends confidential forms to persons who are competent and qualified to nominate. The names of the nominees and other information about the nominations cannot be revealed until 50 years later.
And they have this weird list of qualifications. Whatever. I. FearTheReaper, am nominating, India, for being fucking hot. And my cat, Dr. Greenjeans, for not shitting in the corner.
Nation Relieved: Al Gore Will Save Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay Lohan had a secret and productive meeting with Al Gore. An insider revealed that, during this meeting, Gore agreed to help Lohan with her image problems. The insider is Lohan herself and she released the exciting information in an email to her friends and representatives.
"Al Gore will help me. He came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me. If he is willing to help me, let's find out. Hilary [sic] Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan Metroplis [sic], and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK."
God willing, someone will ask Bill Clinton, nay, both Clintons, to help this poor starlet with her image problems. Currently Bill Clinton is raising money to help tsumani victims and doing other meaningless crap. Finally he can bring some purpose to his life. Lohan continued:
"Let's sue the tabloids for saying the things they say. Defamation of character."
Invoking what she puzzlingly calls the "way of the future-Howard Hughes," her desire is to "release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite [sic] letter to the press."
Lohan says she wants to state her opinions on "how our society should be educated for the better of our country. Our people . . . because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see."
I could not agree more. I am nearly forty, almost dead, as the young folks would say. Without Lohan I would just be an empty shell, dead inside. She has an impact on my daily life that allows me to live.
Jonathan Kesselmans Suicide Watch: I Hope I Dont Get The Cancer From Writing This.
Two weeks ago, I started reading the Dave Eggers' novel, A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius. So far, Ive been having a bitch of a time getting through it. Not because of the quality of the writing, mind you (so far, so good), but because of its content. In short, the book (at least the first part which I cant seem to get through) is about Dave Eggers dealing with his mothers anguished death from cancer. The description of her cancer and its effects on her body are told in a detailed, graphic manner. And I have to be honest, its driving me bat shit crazy.
You see, for some time now Ive been convinced that reading, thinking about, or seeing images that deal with the C-word can somehow give me
Ill just come out and say it
The Cancer. For example, as I type this very sentence, I feel a slight twitching in my lower intestine. Up until this weekend, I was convinced that this same twitching/aching was a sure sign of liver cancera liver cancer brought on by my reckless use of prescription drugs and alcohol. Until this weekend, I was unequivocally certain that my liver was a black, festering breeding ground for The Cancer. I was so convinced of this that I showed my brother-in-law, John, exactly where in my intestine The Cancer was homesteading. As I breathlessly waited for the bad news (and his deepest sympathy), John simply looked at me as if I was retarded. Shortly thereafter, he informed me that the human liver is not situated in the lower intestinal tract.
It was at that point that I realized that The Cancer was either A) fucking with me, or B) it was a hell of a lot smarter than I was giving it credit for.
Cancer! Fuck you, you piece of shit! As painful as it is to write this column, I will get to the heart of this fear of mine! Why is it so hard to say or write the word CANCER? What am I afraid of!? Lets take the emotional component out of the equation and look at what getting cancer actually means, shall we?
Cancer means:
Lots of painful prodding and stabbing with needles and probes. It means surgery; surgery in which pieces of you are removed permanently. Were talking pieces of brain, stomach, lungs, testicles, organs that do
important stuff.
Cancer also means chemotherapy. The pumping of toxic, radioactive drugs through your system; drugs that cause chronic nausea and vomiting, and hair loss, and sharting. I hate sharting! I did it coming out of a movie last week and spent fifteen minutes scrubbing the inside of my boxers with Borax.
Cancer also means the possibility that the cancer will come back, or even worse, never go away! And what does that mean? Well, in a nutshell, it means you die. You cease to exist. You go out with a slow, agonizing death.
So, now that Ive removed the emotional component from the equation
Fuck me! I dont fucking want to get the fucking cancer!
And heres the thing about The Cancer. One day you can be healthy
or in my case
relatively healthy
okay, fine, you can be out of shape and pudgy, and have a terrible diet, and drink too much. But then boom, the next day, for whatever reason, youre done for!
And what caused The Cancer? Was it too much coffee, or beer, or NYCs incomparable tap water? Or was it not enough exercise, or fiber, or POM©, the premiere pomegranate juice? What am I doing wrong? What am I not doing wrong? Is thinking about cancer a precursor to getting cancer? Can underlining key words about The Cancer give you The Cancer!? By writing this article, am I willing it to happen? If so, is it too late!? And what the fuck are the so-called-Scientists out there doing with all their free time! Scientists, if youre listening, stop worrying about seedless watermelons and The Environment! Put your asses and heads together and cure this motherfucker, for God sakes! My life is on the line!
Yes, I get the whole thing about The Environment. I saw the Al Gore movie. By the way Al, if you're reading this, I think the film would have performed much better at the box office if you had named it something more along the lines of, Were All Fucked!, or Youre Going To Die An Excruciating Death If You Dont See This Movie 2: The Return!!! People seem to respond to those sorts of titles better than titles like, An Inconvenient Truth. You might as well have named your movie, Im Going To Give A Really Boring Slide Show That Will Scare You If You Can Stay Awake!!! Oooh, I'm so scared I just sharted myself!
I saw the flick, Mr. Gore, and I got it. I got it! Hybrid cars, and Greenhouse gasses, and my kids will live underwater, and blah-blickety-fucking-blah
but heres a news flash for you Al: I WONT BE ABLE TO HAVE KIDS IF I GET THE CANCER TOMORROW!!! Are you stupid!? I thought you created the Internet! Am I the only sane person here!?
So, to Mr. Gore and his team of seedless watermelon producing scientists
fuck you and your hybrid cars! Until somebody does something about The Cancer, Ive decided that from this moment forward I will only use energy inefficient bulbs. I will drive a fully loaded Tahoe and smash the exhaust pipe with a sledgehammer! Im not going to recycle! Hell, Im going to put the plastics where the newspapers should go, and the glass bottles in the leaf bin! Im going to avoid renewable energy sources (whatever the fuck that means), and while Im at it, Im going to vote Republican! Thats right, REPUBLICAN! Because the word on the street is that the Republicans are now the Anti-Cancer party! Im desperate here, and unless somebody figures this The Cancer shit out, Im a dead man. A dead man whos gonna go out in style! So, come on cancer, come and get me, you big pussy!!!
Oh shit, did I just fuck myself!?
Jon_Kesselman wants Mr. The Cancer to know that hes totally kidding. He DOES NOT want you to come and get him.
P.S. Rob Corddrys prostate was asking about you.