Vice is Nice: Top 10 Bad Things That Are Good For You
The good folks at LiveScience have compiled for us a Top 10 list that beats the hell out of Letterman. I am a big fan of rationalizing my vices (my beloved Bloody Mary is really just a salad with a little vodka in, for example), so this story about how 10 glorious, delicious things that Puritans and/or health freaks tell us to shy away from aren't all bad. Here goes:
10. Beer
new research has suggested that moderate beer intake can actually improve cardiovascular function
So you're telling me that the Nectar of the Gods I am enjoying right now is good for my heart? It's been suspected that beer was the fuel for the laborers on the ancient Egyptian pyramids. The stuff's a superfood if you ask me; calories, carbohydrates, some crap that keeps your cardiovascular system perky, hops, and sweet, sweet ethanol. So, you know, awesome.
9. Anger
bursts of anger here and there are good for the health, and can be an even more effective coping mechanism than becoming afraid, irritated or disgusted
It looks like the Current Events board has it right. All those armchair politicians calling each other fascists and pigfuckers are only just acting out in a form of stress release. "It's just the Internet," my ass! DO YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS, FearTheReaper?! I'LL KILL YOU!
8. Coffee
unrelated studies claim coffee is a major source of antioxidants in our diet and can help lower your risk of diabetes. Something in the beans is also thought to ease the onset of cirrhosis of the liver and pancreatitis
Coffee: a cure for alcoholism and Wilford Brimley.
7. LSD
small doses of LSD have been thought to help bypass the rock-bottom stage of alcoholism and prevent relapses...a recent study of 36 volunteers who took an LSD-like drug in a lab setting had them reporting mystical experiences and behavior changes that lasted for weeks
I think it's pretty neat that acid can help with the recovery process (if you think that's something, you should read about ibogaine) and I hope that our War on Drugs government will eventually relax and allow substances like LSD to be used for possible curative purposes, but, come on, "36 volunteers...reporting mystical experiences"? Scientists, you can do better than that. What's the next study? Volunteers using cocaine acted like douchebags, went to discos?
6. Sunlight
sunlight suppressed the immune reactions that cause asthma in some lab studies with mice and could be used to treat humans afflicted with the disease in the future. And sunlight--even if indirect, such as on a shaded porch--is known to boost the mood.
...And it helps us to produce vitamin D! So, you know, as long as you avoid that whole "malignant melanoma" thing and maybe the "premature photo-aging," I feel like anything that results in this can't be all bad, amirite?
5. Maggots
placed on serious wounds, maggots mimic their "wild" lifestyle and munch on bacteria and dead tissue, stimulating healing and helping to prevent infection.
Okay, so maggots aren't really what I would call a vice. (If maggots are your vice, please don't send me fan mail, as I am concerned that our friendship will center around your desire to wear me all Xipe Totec style.) But they eat dead flesh. That's pretty metal. Moving on...
4. Marijuana
now being hyped as a way to stave off the ultimate form of memory loss--Alzheimer's
The universe has such a grand sense of irony; reefer makes your roommate forget that rent is due but can keep the elderly together for a few more years. If only I could go back a few years and give my beloved grandmama a few Widespread Panic albums and a bag of ganja. Plus, how cute would it be to see Charlton Heston in one of those Rastafarian tams?
3. Red Wine
long been known to have potent anti-cancer and artery-protecting benefits...the latest studies even link resveratrol to greater endurance, a reduction in gum disease and Alzheimer's
Everybody knows that red wine is good for you, ever since Jesus gave it the thumbs-up over water back in the good old days. H20? Get thee behind me, Satan!
2. Chocolate
is packed with the antioxidant flavonols that prevent certain cancers and keep your arteries from clogging...these powerful chemicals may even increase blood flow to the brain, warding off dementia
Of course, this doesn't apply so much to the mass-produced "chocolate" we find in the checkout aisle but, rather, to the high-cocoa, low-sugar stuff that's a little higher end. In other news, I have cancer, clogged arteries, and am going senile. Please send Vosges.
1. Sex
having sex is an easy way to reduce stress, lower cholesterol and improve circulation throughout the body
Lazarus Long said it best, "It is better to copulate than never."
Flux hopes and prays that all your sins are good, fun, and happy ones.
Mommy Drinks Because You Cry
I always like it when mamas talk about what motherhood is actually like, rather than faking the Stepford soccer mom personality we all feel like we're "supposed" to have. Today was the first day of school for my kid and I'm frazzled, so in honor of mamas everywhere who are gearing up for the new school year and dragging themselves and their kids through Target or KMart in search of the lists of required school supplies, I thought I'd say a little bit today about parents and drug use.
Y'all might (or might not) remember the flamewars about meth users and women who drink while pregnant. And maybe you're aware of Frank Owen's new book about meth, which is getting good reviews --Owen argues that each era has its representative drug, and that meth is all the rage right now in part because it serves our desire for busy, focused, productivity, which makes sense to me.
And here's another nice piece that goes beyond the conventional wisdom about drug use, specifically, drug use as a parent. In Highlights, Babble's "Bad Parent" column, L.J. Wilson, bless her, talks about why smoking pot makes her a better parent, dammit.
There are those who believe anyone who gets stoned while caring for a child should receive a visit from child protective services. But there are times when I find myself snapping at my now six-year-old son over normal foibles, or when I find myself too distracted by mundane household chores to sit down and focus on his needs, that I realize that my making a quick and discreet trip to the garage would do me and him a world of good.
Amen, my sister. I don't smoke pot--it just makes me paranoid, and I don't really enjoy it--but god knows there are days when mama needs a drink and a cigarette, thankyouverymuch. And of course there's the anti-depressants. What can I say, I'm a traditionalist: the old-school mother's little helpers work just fine for me. But hey, if Mama Wilson wants to smoke a joint now and again, far be it from me to criticize her for that.
Now of course, before everyone gets all shrill n' shit, blah blah drug addiction is a serious problem, blah blah bad example for the kiddos, blah blah children are the Most Important Things In Our Lives, blah blah. The point here isn't to promote parental addiction. The point is that parents are actual human beings, just like everyone else. Some of us are as conventional and safe as Ward and June; but some of us enjoy a drink or a joint or an occasional lost weekend just like anyone else. And yeah, some of us are seriously fucked up. But just like "regular" people, most parents are actually capable of using yer common recreational drugs responsibly (and those who aren't, aren't gonna stop being fucked up just because Society Disapproves, alas.)
So yeah. If you're a mom (or a dad) with that brain-dead "jesus, how many stores do I have to go to to find oil pastels, dammit" thing going on, or if you're an impatient child-free sort who feels bitchy and impatient with all those back-to-school families that seem to be everywhere again, pour yourself a fucking drink, fire up a joint, whatever. Chill out. In a few weeks we'll all be back to normal again--whatever that means.
Bitch_PhD is, in fact, a soccer mom this year.
Russian Drinkers: Nyet Afraid of Alcohol, Poison, Death
In a story that can only be called fucking insane, it seems that a startling percentage of Russian men not only live up to the stereotype of being drunks, but that they are actually rampaging, fearless, super-drunks who will consume anything. Like cologne.
New Scientist reports that, according to a new study, 43% of deaths amongst men between the ages of 25 and 54 are related to drinking non-beverage alcohol, such as cologne, antiseptics, cleaning agents, and other horrific shit. Researcher David Leon explains:
Many Russian men who fall on hard times start drinking non-beverage alcohols because they are cheaper and have a high alcohol content.
I guess it makes sense that theres such a high percentage of deaths among the truly gung-ho poison-drinkers, but apparently the problem is widespread. According to the study, 8% of the men in the control group admitted to drinking the toxic spirits. Thats like, 1 in 12 -- not soooo bad, right?
Researchers think these numbers represent underestimates, since the study did not include men who lived alone or on the streets.
Oh. Well, if you're still unsure that poisonous substances are unhealthy, or that Russia is wild about booze, Ill leave you with some additional depressing stats:
- Men who drink non-beverage alcohol have a five-times greater risk of alcohol-related death.
- Men who drink only non-beverage alcohol have a 20-times greater risk of death.
- 72% of murders and 42% of suicides in Russia are related to alcohol.
- Due to a high death rate and a low birth rate (both related to alcohol), Russia's population is set to decline by about 30,000,000 people in the next 40 years.
Bottoms up!
Students Find Underage Drinking Loophole: Alcohol Powder!
Howd you like to blow a line of Bacardi? Maybe youd rather shoot a syringe of Sambuca, parachute a packet of Pernod, or surf a suppository of Strega, perhaps? With the creation of powdered alcohol, you should have no problem getting fucked up whichever way you want, right?
Wrong. When Dutch student Harm Van Elderen and four friends developed their version of powdered alcohol they had no lofty goals of smoking spliffs of sloe gin (last one, I promise). Rather, in a decidedly less interesting twist, they created Booz2Go, which is a powdered alcoholic beverage that packs a whopping 3% alcohol punch and hides it with a kid-friendly lime flavoring. Just add water and youve got instant kamikaze Kool-Aid.
Why should I care? you ask. Well, Reuters reports that the students had an ulterior motive in designing the spirit-ual powder:
"We are aiming for the youth market. They are really more into it because you can compare it with Bacardi-mixed drinks," 20-year-old Harm van Elderen told Reuters.
"Because the alcohol is not in liquid form, we can sell it to people below 16," said project member Martyn van Nierop.
As Van Nierop implies, the drinking age in the Netherlands is 16, but due to a loophole Booz2Go can legally be sold to children of any age. Just think of all those years us poor American kids wasted eating Lik-M-Aid and drinking Tang and Country-Time Lemonade when we could have been pounding Booz2Go and barfing in a sandbox. Thanks to modern innovation Dutch children wont have to share our sad, sober fate.
Yes, I Just Ordered a Berrytini, and No, Theres Nothing Wrong With That
Thats right! Nothing at all wrong with that. And its not because it doesnt make you gay (it very well might, especially if you drink several of them at a time.) Its because that effete fruity drink you just got from the waitress at Friday's might actually save your life! Huzzah!
Adding ethanol -- the type of alcohol found in rum, vodka, tequila and other spirits -- boosted the antioxidant nutrients in strawberries and blackberries, the researchers found.
Any colored fruit might be made even more healthful with the addition of a splash of alcohol, they report in the Journal of the Science of Food and Agriculture.
Dr. Korakot Chanjirakul and colleagues at Kasetsart University in Thailand and scientists at the U.S. Department of Agriculture stumbled upon their finding unexpectedly.
They were exploring ways to help keep strawberries fresh during storage. Treating the berries with alcohol increased in antioxidant capacity and free radical scavenging activity, they found.
God bless scientists who tell me my addictions are good for me. First they told me that boozing it up made me richer, and now theyre telling me that its healthy for me too? Fabulous!
I dont even know what free radicals are, but Im assuming they taste lovely with some Midori and Apple Pucker.
The secret to Subrosas Appletini recipe is a splash of Sprite. Cheers!
Alcohol Beats Cannabis and Ecstacy on Harmful Drug List
People can sometimes make you feel like a prude for not using illegal drugs. I never feel more square than when I'm invited to hang out with people but someone who is hip and aware of my lifestyle choices decides to talk for me.
"Hey you guys wanna hang out, maybe smoke a joint?" says the really cute girl. "Oh, Colin doesn't smoke, how 'bout we meet up with you later, buddy?" says my former friend the stupid ass, who is totally lame when he's high, anyway.
Now though, thanks to the Lancet, the next time someone makes me feel like I don't know how to have a good time, I can remind them that I have no problems consuming the fifth most dangerous drug available to the human race: Alcohol. Well, except if I have to work the next day. I am so hangover prone.
Take that, hippie.
In research published Friday in The Lancet magazine, Professor David Nutt of Britain's Bristol University and colleagues proposed a new framework for the classification of harmful substances, based on the actual risks posed to society.
Nutt and colleagues used three factors to determine the harm associated with any drug: the physical harm to the user, the drug's potential for addiction, and the impact on society of drug use.
The powerhouses heroine and cocaine came out on top, then barbiturates, street methadone and in fifth place alcohol. Noticeably absent from the list was cannabis, which came in at 11th. And ecstacy was considered even lower according to Nutt's research. Here are the top ten:
- 1. Heroin
- 2. Cocaine
- 3. Barbiturates
- 4. Street Methadone
- 5. Alcohol
- 6. Ketamine
- 7. Benzodiazepines
- 8. Amphetamine
- 9. Tobacco
- 10.Buprenorphine
The list was tabulated by asking two groups of experts: Psychiatrists with expertise in addiction, and legal officials who are experienced in the science, behavior and medical aspects of drug use. The results will challenge the current notion of harmful drugs and their regulation. While Nutt warns that all drugs are dangerous, his research suggests that our perception of illegal and recreational drugs needs some readjustment.
"The current drug system is ill thought-out and arbitrary," said Nutt, referring to the United Kingdom's practice of assigning drugs to three distinct divisions, ostensibly based on the drugs' potential for harm. "The exclusion of alcohol and tobacco from the Misuse of Drugs Act is, from a scientific perspective, arbitrary," write Nutt and his colleagues in The Lancet.
Cool Posters and Alcoholism Really Popular in Russia
Check out this bizarre collection of vintage anti-alcohol Soviet posters. The messages (such as the smiling, happy bottle of alcohol below reading, "This new dress becomes me well") may be lost in translation, but the graphics are amazing.
Photo Location
Raise a Glass to America's Drunkest Cities
Milwaukee residents like their hooch, according to Forbes magazine. The city came in first in a survey of the35 hardest-drinking cities in the U.S., beating out Austin and Las Vegas.
Forbes rated the cities on: state laws, number of drinkers, number of heavy drinkers, number of binge drinkers and alcoholism. Based on that criteria, Milwaukee residents are the nations lushes.
More than 70% of adult Milwaukeeans reported that they had had at least one alcoholic drink within the past 30 days--the highest percentage on our list. Twenty-two percent of Milwaukee respondents confessed to binge drinking, or having five or more drinks on one occasion--also the highest on our list. And 7.5% of the population were reported as heavy drinkers--adult men that have more than two drinks per day, or adult women who have more than one drink per day.
The best cities in which to get liquored up:
1. Milwaukee
2. Minneapolis-St. Paul
3. Columbus, Ohio
4. Boston
5. Austin, Texas
6. Chicago
7. Cleveland
8. Pittsburgh
9. Philadelphia
9. Providence
11. St. Louis
12. San Antonio
12. Seattle
14. Las Vegas
15. Denver-Boulder
16. Cincinnati
16. Kansas City
18. Houston
19. Portland
20. San Francisco-Oakland
21. Washington, DC-Baltimore
22. Phoenix
23. Los Angeles
24. New Orleans
24. Tampa
26. Norfolk, VA
27. Dallas-Ft. Worth
28. Atlanta
28. Detroit
30. Indianapolis
31. Orlando
32. New York
33. Miami
34. Charlotte, NC
35. Nashville