The Vampire Craze has Officially Gone Too Far
by Angelita
I won’t lie, I love vampires. I’ve read all of Anne Rice’s vampire novels, watched just about every vampire movie there is, even all the lame 80’s ones, and I’m still slightly convinced vampires could possibly exist. However, the world seems hell bent on ruining this little internal pleasure of mine.
First, they made Vampires teen-friendly, which is just the epitome of lame. What the hell kind of vampire wants to spend eternity going to high school?
If that wasn’t bad enough, now vampires are pro-abstinence. A pro-abstinence vampire is an oxymoron; vampires survive via penetration and sucking. If that’s not sexual, I don’t know what is. Then, vampires came out of the coffin and became mainstream on True Blood. So now I have to share a common interest with screeching preteens AND their parents.
Still, I held on, and replaced Lestat with Eric Northman in my myth-based sexual fantasies. Then, one day at the sex shop, we received a shipment that officially ruined vampires for me: vampire themed sex toys. For women, the Tantus’s Vamp, a white and sparkly realistically shaped dildo. For men, the Succu Dry Sex in a Can from Fleshlight, a male masturbator that resembles a vampire’s mouth.
What happened to using your imagination? For the love of Dracula, I’m pretty sure Edward Cullen is technically under-age. Also, I think becoming a vampire effectively ends your days of giving a successful blow job. We’re talking about a creature who survives on sucking blood putting an appendage that swells with blood into their fanged mouth.
Despite the faulty logic, the Tantus Vamp and Fleshlight’s Succu Dry are actually really awesome toys. The Vamp is made out of extremely body-friendly materials and the Succu Dry felt pretty good to my finger. I show both toys to every customer that walks into my store. At first they laugh, agree that the vampire obsession has gone a little too far, and inevitably end up buying one or the other.
So, if you are not suffering from vampire burnout like me, and your Edward Cullen shrine just doesn’t feel complete, vampire sex toys might just be for you.
The Perfect Animal Treat For Halloween: Vampire Bloodsicles
SGs advice columnist MissTruthHurts, a.k.a. Gotha Stewart, a.k.a. Carrie Borzillo-Vrenna, has the perfect animal treat for Halloween: Vampire Bloodsicles. In fact our furry friends love em so much, why save them for Halloween? Indeed MissTruthHurts whips them up every Wednesday for the delectation and delight of the residents of SoCals wild and exotic animal refuge, the Wildlife Waystation.
Heres how they prepare them:
1. First get some run-off chicken or beef blood (your local butcher might be able to help you with this).
2. Pour the blood (if there isn't enough, add water or chicken stock) into small paper or plastic cups.
3. If you're in the mood for a little flesh, add some raw meat chunks to your Vampire Bloodsicles for a little extra protein and texture. Freeze.
4. After they are frozen, pop them out of the cup and feed to your feline or canine friend. Tip: Watch your fingers while youre feeding animals can get over-excited about these treats.
5. Yummy! Paw-lickin good!
Help a fellow vampire out on Halloween! Make a donation to the Wildlife Waystation, and help keep Baxter the Bobcat, Miss Montana the Bear and Thibeault the Tiger in treats!
Health Warning: MissTruthHurts feeds her vampire bloodsicles to the Wildlife Waystation's non-domestic animals. You might want to check in with your vet to see if frozen blood is the right treat for your pet.
MissTruthHurts a.k.a. Carrie Borzillo-Vrenna is Suicide Girls' sex, love, and life advice columnist. She is an entertainment journalist, rock wife, and author of Cherry Bomb: The Ultimate Guide to Becoming a Better Flirt, a Tougher Chick, and a Hotter Girlfriend, and to Living Life Like a Rock Star and Eyewitness Nirvana: The Day-by-Day Chronicle.
Casting Wizardry of the 90s: Putting This Girl in "Interview with the Vampire"
OK, so back in 1994, when director Neil Jordan first set about adapting Anne Rice's "Interview with the Vampire" for the big screen, we here at the SG Newswire were pretty vocal in our critique of some of the casting choices. "Tom Cruise?" we wailed. "Brad Pitt?" we sobbed. "This little unknown girl named Kirsten Dunst to play the part of Claudia? Kill me now!" we railed, loudly. (Longtime site subscribers will recall our vocal anti-Interview stance, and how we almost shut down the production with our organized media campaign...Some have said we here at SG inspired the current methodology that the Christian Right now uses to shut down shows and movies they don't like. But that's beside the point.)
Well, very ruefully, we apologize for our antics 12 years ago. Because when leafing through red-carpet shots of Kirsten Dunst at Wednesday's premiere of Marie-Antoinette, we realized the error of our ways so long ago...
This girl was born to play a vampire. Looks like Claudia finally done grew up and made her papa proud!
Though we're still pretty pissed about the Tom Cruise thing.
Rabid Vampire Bats Bite Brazilians
If youre planning a trip to the northern parts of Brazil this summer, you might want to be on the look out for vampires. Well, vampire bats anyway.
Eleven people have died from rabies after being bitten by vampire bats in the northern state of Para, Brazil.
Josefa Ferreira has lost five children -- all under the age of 5 years old -- because of rabies caused by bites from the vampire bats.
Health officials have vaccinated more than 1,300 people and 700 pets in and around the small communities here, about 1,500 miles northeast of Rio de Janeiro. They've also managed to capture 300 of the rabid bats so far.
Residents believe recent jungle deforestation has driven the bats from their natural habitat to their small villages.