In an attempt to defeat the evil empire in the 2004 election, Michael Moore went out on the road to rally the unrousable, recruiting an army of rookie activists from the nation’s under-tapped slacker population. Offering incentives such as free Ramen Noodles and college scholarships, Moore hoped that legions of dedicated college layabouts would rise up and vote the right (well left) way.

Well, we all know how well that turned out. Let’s hope Moore has more luck come November 2008.

To this end, the Sicko filmmaker is making his latest film, which documents his 2004 Slacker Uprising campaign, available as a free download for three weeks starting September 23. The flick features overachieving (or are they failed?) slackers R.E.M., Tom Morello, Eddie Vedder and Roseanne.

Click HERE to sign up for the download.

For a man who spent five years in a POW prison, McCain sure is a relentless pussy. He’s having a big boo hoo party over America’s questioning of his moronic VP pick, Sarah Palin. Apparently, if you pick on poor, little Sarah, you are being a sexist. Never mind that she is supremely unqualified to be president of the United States, any criticism is all about her having a vagina.

The mighty Republican Party, longtime defenders of women’s rights, are now hitting the airwaves claiming the only reason people are attacking Sarah Palin is because she is a woman. Please ignore the Troopergate scandal, the fact that she is married to a traitor and was at one time a traitor herself, lied about visiting Ireland, didn’t travel out of the country until two years ago, belongs to an insanely backwards church, thinks 11-year-olds who were raped by their father should be forced to give birth, used government money to fund a “cure gays” organization, tried to ban books, abused her power by firing people who opposed her views or divorced her sister, believes Iraq is a war being fought for God, and has a preacher who claimed voting for John Kerry would send you to hell. None of those things are relevant for baby time McCain. If you criticize Sarah Palin, it’s because she’s a woman with a pregnant daughter.

See, the pregnant daughter situation is off limits. You can tell that from this video of John McCain greeting the father and mother of the fetus in Minnesota.



That’s what one does when they want such a private situation to stay private; they bring reporters to take photos of the guy who shot his goo into the 17-year-old girl. Also, when one doesn’t want anyone to talk about the pregnancy situation, they come out to the media and break the story of their own daughter’s unwed pregnancy. Parading said couple around at the Republican National Convention? Totally cool. After all, it is a private situation. That’s why the soon-to-be husband of the 17-year-old daughter has been hastily flown in to be paraded around– because they need their privacy. Remember, if you bring this up, you are being sexist.

See, playing the “gender card” is totally cool, as opposed to when Obama supporters claimed McCain was playing the “race card” after he created ads that had obvious racial overtones. That was different. I guess because Obama has a penis and black skin, while Palin has a vagina and white skin. If anybody dared say that McCain’s ads were racist, he and his people screamed that Obama was playing the “race card.” It was soooo offensive. But now, when anyone dares to question Palin’s obvious lack of qualifications and bizarre beliefs, they are sexist. McCain is a weak, clownish pussy who can’t stand up and take any sort of heat.

But the most amusing part of this story is that Obama has gone out of his way to say “families are off limits.” Most Democrats are avoiding the topic of her pregnancy and trying to talk about the multitude of other problems with Palin. She’s a walking disaster, so it’s not difficult. But whenever someone brings up just one of the multitude of problems with Palin, the McCain camp screams like children that Democrats and the “liberal media” are attacking Palin’s “private life” because she is “a woman.” It’s laughable and quite sickening. The Republicans are using a 17-year-old girls horrible situation for their own political advantage. They are now driving the story of the girl’s pregnancy, using her as bait and creating a victim story of their own making.

The victim here is a young unwed couple who were outed by Republicans and are now being used in the biggest game on Earth. McCain and his people are complete and total scum.

And insane hypocrites. Right-wingers jumped out of their panties when Jamie Lynn Spears announced she was pregnant. That was a glaring example of our societies decay, but Bristol Palin’s pregnancy is a celebration of the pro-life cause and should not be discussed for any reason. Certainly not because her mother is using her as a pawn as she attempts to win the vice presidency.

John McCain is a coward. Real men stand up and defend the choices they have made; they don’t make excuses and use children in horrible situations as pawns to fulfill their ambitious desires. Real men also don’t play the gender card and make claims that certain topics should be off limits, when they are guilty of far worse behavior.

See, that’s sexism, McCain. Attacking a teenage girl for her looks. What a fucking coward. Oh, and real men don’t make jokes about women loving rape.



He’s a scumbag, pure and simple. And he’s weak. Weak for allowing the religious lunatics of his party to make his vice presidential choice for him.

Bending over for those he used to fight against.

But I guess that’s why he spent five years in a POW camp, suffering inhumanly for five years, so someday he could run for president and not stand by his convictions. Any real man who goes through a horrifying experience comes to understand that life is about not doing what you feel is right and allowing others to make your most important decisions. It's true. Torture apparently just makes one a groveling bitch for the religious right. At this point, I am more disgusted by McCain because he was a POW. What man doesn’t walk away from something like that with some personal conviction? What man doesn’t walk away from 5 years of torture and say, “I’m going to live my life the way I want.” A man like John McCain, I guess. Full of ambition and weak to the core.

There’s your teenage-girl attacking, rape joke making, using teenage girls as a pawn war hero. Feel the pride, Republicans.

I should also ad that I was not going to vote for McCain or Obama, but McCain's choice of Palin as VP has forced me to rethink that decision. I will now reluctantly cast my vote for Obama. She is that frightening of a human being. Palin is a religious lunatic of the highest caliber. I see no difference between the Taliban and Neanderthals like Palin.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper, and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Yes, I wrote that headline. Mostly because it’s true. In the most cynical Vice Presidential choice I have ever seen, McCain picked a woman, simply because she is a woman. In doing so, he overlooked many other conservative women who are far more qualified to be Vice President. McCain chose Sarah Palin because she’s attractive and she hates abortion. I honestly can’t think of another reason to select this walking disaster of a choice.

McCain is obviously going for the disgruntled Hillary voters. Picking Palin will possibly earn him precious few Hillary voters, while turning off millions of independents. Palin's inexperience is astounding, unless you count her awesome time in as city council member and mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. The town had a massive population of 7,738 people. She ran for governor in 2006 and won, mostly because Alaska is a backwards land full of idiots. Palin has been governor for less than two years – and now John McCain has selected her to be vice president of the United States. Considering McCain is so old he could die at any moment, this is a stunningly pathetic choice for vice president. Let’s just look at the past 36 hours.

It was discovered that Palin lied on Friday when she claimed to have opposed Alaska’s famous “bridge to nowhere.”

We also learned Palin was a member of an Alaskan secessionist group in the early '90s and apparently still thinks it’s a great idea to stay connected. Here she is addressing the Alaskan Independence Party's 2008 convention.



What does the Alaskan Independence Party want? The same things any crazy lunatic wants.

Oh, good. Worthwhile effort.

Also, Palin admitted yesterday that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant.

Yes, she will grow up faster than ever planned, especially because you just agreed to be John McCain’s running mate, putting your daughter and her pregnancy in the nation’s spotlight. You are a genuine and caring woman for putting your child in front of a bloodthirsty American media. Wonderful values you have there.

By all means, throw the kid to the sharks. That’s what a good Christian does. Ambition first, kids second. Oh, and this news probably won’t help the abstinence only cause.

And bestest of all, Sarah Palin just hired a lawyer because she is about to be deposed by a special investigator.

The special investigator’s report is due on October 31st. That makes some fantastic timing for the election. Genius move on McCain’s part. Even if it clears her, you can be sure someone will pull something out of the report that reflects poorly on Palin. That’s how it always goes.

More than anything, this is insulting to the women who supported Hillary Clinton. McCain actually believes women will vote for him, just because he picked someone with a vagina as his running mate, even though she has the opposite political views of Hillary on every issue.

How could a Hillary supporter not climb aboad that train?

Palin is also a religious fanatic who was selected by a "cabal" of other religious fanatics.

Yes, and she is just what Hillary supporters want in a female candidate.

FAIL.

McCain is treating women like they don't have brains and he will be punished because of it. He could have picked from a number of conservative women, who would have at least appeared to have earned the selection with their accomplishments. Women like, Kathryn Ann Bailey Hutchison, Susan Collins, Lisa Murkowski, Olympia Snowe, Christine Todd Whitman, M. Jodi Rell and Condoleezza Rice all would have made it appear as if McCain was not just looking for someone with a vagina. And nearly every one of those women are far less scandal-plagued. Up until this point I thought McCain would win the election, but I now think he will be crushed, which means I will owe Subrosa a six pack. That is very disappointing.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. You can read more of his nonsense and see a picture of Sarah Palin with her young child standing over a dead animal on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

I’m not exactly a fan of traditional beauty pageants, but the upside is they’re supposed to provide a steady legion of Stepford women who are supposed to enjoy travel and looking after animals and children. John McTainted’s newly announced vice-presidential running mate Sarah Palin is the exception to this rule. Palin won the Miss Wasilla title in 1984 and placed second in the Miss Alaska competition, but she’s no ordinary beauty queen.

There’s no doubt Palin loves kids (in a soap opera-worthy plot twist a recent DailyKos blog post even alleges she claimed her 16-year old daughter’s child as her own), but she perhaps takes it a little far; The pro-lifer even opposes abortion in the case of rape and incest.

Her personal experience beyond U.S. borders is also seriously lacking; The flat-earther (she supports teaching Creationism alongside evolution in schools) got her first passport in 2007, and has traveled to a grand total of three countries outside the United States (Germany, Ireland and Kuwait).

As for her attitude towards animals –– just ask a polar bear –– she’s their public enemy number one. In May of this year, Palin vowed to fight the Bush administration’s decision to place the great white beasts on the endangered species list since it interfered with her cronies lust for fresh Alaskan oil from beneath their soon-to-be-protected habitat. That makes Palin, who doesn’t believe that man is responsible for climate change, even less eco-friendly than George W. Bush –– quite an achievement.

If you need more reasons not to like Palin consider this: She’s a member of the NRA and enjoys hunting. She’s opposed to same sex marriage, and even fought to prevent domestic partners from receiving health benefits. She supports drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, strip mining, and a multitude of other activities that are guaranteed to fuck up our planet. (Doesn’t this chick know that good planets are hard to find?)

McDesperate’s heavy-handed pandering to Hillary’s disappointed legions of supporters is an insult to their intelligence and a fine example of his poor judgment under pressure. Talk about an own goal. But though McDoofus’s V.P. choice may ultimately retard his chances of election, Palin’s rather special brand of feminism may also set back the cause of women thanks to her newly elevated profile.



Polar bear image courtesy of WWF/Geoff York.

What do you do if your sixteen-year old daughter is pregnant with a baby that's going to have Down's Syndrome? Tell her to have the baby, then pretend it's yours forever. This, at least, would appear to be the only option if you're a governor who got elected on an anti-choice/abstinence-only-education platform and are currently hoping to be elected to the second-most powerful office in the world. There are reasons to suspect that Sarah Palin, Republican presidential nominee John McCain's choice for Vice-President, did just that.

Let me stress here that this is, as of right now, a rumor on the Internet. SuicideGirls news is not a credible news source, and neither are any of the other places on the internet which allege Sarah Palin's youngest son actually belongs to her daughter Bristol. So why report it? Because unless a large number of non-credible sources makes some noise on this point, no credible news source will use its expense account to send a reporter to Alaska and go through hospital records and find out whether or not it's true. So what's the evidence so far?

The strangest piece of evidence, according to (credible and pro-Palin news source) The Wall Street Journal is that she allegedly started having contractions, then, against the advice of her doctor, made a speech in Dallas, and then flew to Anchorage -- a flight that could not have taken less than six hours -- to have the baby.

Not only did they not notice she was pregnant, but neither did anyone else during her pregnancy--at least not until she mentioned it, seven months in, according to The Anchorage Daily News.

There are dozens of photos of the Governor during the late stages of her pregnancy, she doesn't look especially pregnant--but it's pretty hard to say either way. I will not sully SuicideGirls with fully-clothed MIDNLF photos.

Last and possibly least, the controversial and quite possibly unreliable DailyKos -- who started the story/rumor -- reports that Sarah Palin's daughter, Bristol Palin, was reportedly out of school for four months with "mono". Mononucleosis usually lasts a month at most, though symptoms can linger for up to three months. To be fair: in the "against" category, there is the fact that the child in question has Down's Syndrome. Down's is much more likely in older women, but is nonetheless a possibility for all mothers. Most babies born with Down's are born to younger mothers, following the pattern for fertility in general.

None of this evidence is conclusive at all, but considering that the possible future Vice-President may have forced her daughter to have a child in order to further her own political carrier and anti-choice policies, this non-reporter feels this is certainly an important enough issue to encourage real reporters to check this story out some time very soon. Maybe it's all a baseless lefty rumor, but if the real press doesn't do its job, we'll never know.

Ah, Asshole Fuckfacing. It’s a glorious thing to behold, not because it’s beautiful, but because it makes you think you are a better person than you actually are. It’s like looking at dirty, angry hobos. You know you’re better than that, so enjoy. Buddha was all about hating on Asshole Fuckaces and he’s the one who actually started the list. Since that time, the list has been passed on and on. Now it is in my powerful hands and I treat it with the respect and fear it deserves. Each week I scour the news looking for the worst of the worst and then I present them to you, for mocking. This week is no different, so put on your raincoats because this is going to be ugly.

First up, another addition to a long list of presidential Asshole Fuckfacery.

One of the biggest failures of the Bush administration was to drop the ball on North Korea, encouraging the crazy country to create nuclear weapons. Clinton had an agreement in place that would have prevented such an occurrence. Bush blew it off and called North Korea “evil” and the rest was history. North Korea now has at least two nuclear bombs.

Talks have been ongoing between North Korea, China, Japan, Russia, the US and South Korea. There was a big breakthrough in June, when North Korea submitted an account of its nuclear facilities to the other five countries. The expectation was that the US would, in return, remove North Korea from their “terrorism sponsor list.”

Let’s see…keep a country on a terrorism list and they keep building nuclear bombs, or take them off the list and they stop. Well, what to do? If you’re an Asshole Fuckface, you do the thing that will keep North Korea in the nuke bomb business.

Nicely done, Asshole Fuckfaces. Keep up the horrible work; it’s amazing to watch.

Next up, some Swiftboating Asshole Fuckfaces.

Now, we all expect the right-wing Swiftboaters to launch some horrible, horrible ads against Obama. It’s pretty much as expected as rising of the sun or fat, four time divorced, drug addict Rush Limbaugh saying something racist. And the Swiftboaters did so last week, hitting Obama with an ad linking him to William Ayers. Yawn. Unlike Kerry, Obama hit back fast and the result was pretty hilarious. The Swiftboaters aren’t in this Asshole Fuckface Roundup for the ad; they are in the Roundup because they turned into a bunch of crying little bitches.

Besides going after the ad with one of his own, Obama went to court. The Obama campaign claimed the ad was a “violation of federal campaign finance laws” and asked networks to abstain from airing it. A letter was sent to the Department of Justice asking for a criminal investigation of the Swiftboaters. The Swiftboat group in question is a listed as a 501.c, which is a tax-exempt non-profit. That means it can lobby on issues, but is only allowed to engage in an "insubstantial" amount of activity supporting or opposing political candidates.

The Ayers ad clearly seems to violate the law, so Obama went to court. Obama’s lawyer, Bob Bauer wrote the DOJ asking for an investigation...

The Obama campaign also went after stations airing the ad.

That’s called fighting fire with fire. The big bad Swiftboater’s response? Crying.

Aw, did da liberul not let you shove a broom handle up his ass? Poor little babies.

What up, irony? How you been?

Aw. Is Obama totally fucking with you? You should totally be able to lie and be horrible cunts without anyone stopping you, right? Sorry, and good luck with your Asshole Fuckfacery this election season. Can’t wait to see how much of your money you spend in court.

Next up, another right wing Asshole Fuckface can’t handle what Obama’s bringing.

But this time, I’m not referring to Barack Obama. Michelle Obama drove a man insane on Monday night. An unidentified man in Pasco, Florida, was watching Michelle Obama’s convention speech, when he couldn’t take it anymore.

The police shot round after round of tear gas into the RV, but dude wasn’t coming out. Six ours later, at five am, the Asshole Fuckface finally came out of his RV and gave up.

Of course. I mean, he lives in Florida in a trailer and a black woman is speaking about her husband, nominee of the Democratic Party. It’s the white trash apocalypse.

Finally, a little league in Connecticut is overflowing with Asshole Fuckfaces.

New Haven Little League officials want all their kids to grow up in an unrealistic world, in which no one else is better than them, they never get their asses handed to them and all competition is equal.

Jericho Scott is a 10-year-old kid with a 40 mph fastball. He plays in the Youth Baseball League of New Haven and has thrown 5 no-hitters. His team is 8-0. That’s fucking awesome.

Uh, what? Welcome to not sports. Way to develop a rare talent. You could be the town where the great Jericho Scott came from, instead of the town that drove away the young Jericho Scott.

Okay, now you just created an entire team of 10-year-old pussies. You know what you do when confronted by an awesome force kids? Give up. That’s a fantastic life lesson. Don’t ever try your best against someone better, just walk away.

Oh, good. Maybe he’ll develop a horrible complex at a young age and stop pitching.

That’s what happens when Asshole Fuckfaces are in control, Jericho. Maybe you can grow up to be a criminal, instead.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each recieve a FearTheReaper bicycle seat. You may also read more of FearTheReaper's spew on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

While the amazing, four-day Democratic commercial goes on, I thought this would be a good time to revisit a topic that has dropped off the grid since the spring. Remember health care? Seemed to be a big topic a few months ago, but not so much now. Now we’re clearly more concerned with who’s a bigger celebrity and how many houses Old School owns.

But 45 million Americans do not have health care and 25 million more are underinsured. McCain and Obama have very different ideas on reforming health care. I’m going to break their shit down and you’re going to read it. That’s how we do.

McCain’s plan is a piece of shit created in jackass land. It does NOTHING to address the problem of uninsured Americans. NOTHING. Did I make that point strong enough? I used capital letters. That is some serious shit.

Johnny’s plan is more of the same crap that already got us into this mess. It’s all about “market forces and individually purchased insurance.” Sweet. Up until now we haven't tried "market forces and individually purchased insurance." It's so fresh!

Old School’s plan mainly focuses on….taxes. What a big surprise.

Oooooo. That sounds fucking awesome. Unless, of course, you are like the millions of Americans who can’t get insurance due to your medical history, or one of the millions of Americans who have claims denied and are dropped because they had the gall to have surgery. But don’t worry about that, because McCain will solve the problems of spiraling costs with “deregulation.”

Oh, fuck yes. Please, more deregulation. It has worked out so very well in every other market over the past ten years, especially energy and housing. Old School’s plan would allow insurers to sell across state lines and people would be able to buy policies from companies in any state. Wow, that should not make even the slightest difference.

McCain also believes by making insurance more “visible,” people will seek out lower cost insurance plans. Johnny thinks if workers can see how much their employers are paying, they would go for the cheaper insurance.

Yeah, good luck with that. In the end, McCain’s plan doesn’t do shit for people who can’t afford insurance. Most uninsured people would remain uninsured and the fixed tax credit would lead to a gap in affordability as health care spending increases. And the number of Americans paying higher taxes for employer insurance would go up, too. McCain’s plan would force many people to purchase higher deductible, less comprehensive insurance. Oh, and if we got rid of the tax benefits of employer sponsored insurance, some businesses would stop insuring workers. How great does that sound?

But don’t fret, because McCain has proposed a “guaranteed access plan.”

Oh, good. The castaways. Only, McCain’s plan has no way to pay for this part. It’s quite simply, bullshit. His interstate insurance market plan would actually weaken some states regulated protections. Oh, and those “34 states” plans already have high costs and limited benefits.

McCain basically is offering very little. It’s more of the same, which is unacceptable considering the situation we currently find ourselves in. If McCain is elected, expect our health care situation to get a lot worse.

Now, Obama at least seems to be trying, though he is also a bit deluded. Barack wants to spend money. Lots and lots of money. His plan includes an employer mandate, insurance regulation and a combination of public and private insurance.

Under Obama, employers will have to offer employees insurance or pay a tax. Smaller business would not have to pay a tax.

Best of all, insurers would not be able to deny coverage or charge more for preexisting conditions. His new "insurance exchange" would provide a pooling system, which would increase the purchasing power of individuals. Obama believes by pooling people together, it will cut administrative expenses and increase competition. Good luck with that.

And the attempts to cut costs don’t end there. While McCain has proposed little to nothing to drop health care costs, Obama’s plan is much more thoughtful and nuanced.

A big criticism of Obama’s plan is that it does not mandate insurance for adults, just children. That means it would not cover all uninsured people, but Obama has stated he may move forward with mandates if his plan does not result in universal health care.

The big problem is the money. The cost control plans are not certain to work and he needs to come up with $50 to $65 billion. He says he will pay for it by ending tax cuts to families making over $250,000 a year, but that will not cover the whole enchilada. He expects to save a lot of money with his cost cutting measures explained above. If they don’t work, it’s going to cost more. And you can pretty much guarantee there will be problems. But we’re spending $15 billion a month in Iraq, so if you are okay with paying for the war but don’t want to pay for universal health insurance, then you are a major douchebag.

Obama’s plan is way better than McCain’s, but it’s got a lot of problems. The only guy who had a decent health care plan was Kucinich. Until you take the profit out of health care, nothing’s going to work. Ever. So, don't get too excited either way, because we are a long way off from something decent.

UPDATE: One of the architects of McCain's healthcare plan uttered this gem today...

FearTheReaper also is a blogging idiot. Read more of his tripe on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

You filthy mongrels may be surprised, but I believe Joe Biden was the best possible choice Barack Obama could have made. This is pretty simple reasoning, which is why it seems to be confusing so many Republicans. Besides Dick Cheney, who was given a spectacular amount of power by the testicle-less Bush, Vice Presidents really don’t do shit. Their most important function is to make the tie-breaking vote if the Senate is deadlocked. Other than that, not much. Sure, they go around the world, talking to people and have their own little agendas, but overall, pretty meaningless. They are just waiting for the big guy to die or for eight years to pass so they can run for president.

With that said, you may be wondering why I think Biden is an awesome choice. Well, here you go.



That's better than porn. The man’s tongue is a weapon to fear. Unleashing Biden on the campaign is like creating a non-stop, sound bite machine. He is concise, brutal and usually dead-on. You know how you always wish some politician would cut the shit and call somebody out on being a douchebag? Biden’s the guy who actually does that.



McCain is about to come face to face with an actual “straight talker,” which will contrast greatly with his time-worn mind, constant bullshit yammering and horrific speaking ability. Usually, candidates pick a knob who won’t upstage them in the talky department. Just take a look at Joe Lieberman, Al Gore and John Edwards. Yawn town. And totally ineffective on the campaign trail.

The amusing aspect of this choice is watching the Republicans get huge hard ons for all the “material” they have against Biden.

Wow, great call. Seriously, please do. Go at Fire Tongue with everything you’ve got and take the attention off Obama. Please divide the focus of your attacks and do it against the man who can wipe the shit-eating grin off your face with one comment. By the way Rush, you are a four-time divorced, millionaire drug addict who takes trips to Puerto Rico with bottles full of Viagra. Keep speaking for the common man, though. Maybe Paris Hilton can tell us what's up as well. Just thought I’d throw that in for no reason.

McCain is already running an ad in which Biden says he’d be honored to run against Grandpa McCain and compliments him. Genius. The tape is from 2004, setting up a Biden, “Well, he’s fallen off quite a bit in the past four years.” McCain is the candidate who has far to fall, as most people still don’t realize he is an old man, slowly losing his ability to think and constantly making embarrassing gaffs. Now, here comes an “old friend” who is going to make the case that McCain isn’t up to the job. And he’s going to make it well.

Only a fucking idiot would run an ad in which Fire Tongue praises McCain, because a severe verbal beat-down will follow. Severe. To have an ad with Biden praising McCain will create a false impression. People are now sitting around thinking, “Oh, Biden likes McCain.” They will then be surprised by the two months of verbal attacks McCain takes from his old buddy. It’s a dumb tactic. Now, using clips of Biden attacking Obama is smart, but you can be sure Biden can talk his way out of that.

So, what’s Biden’s voting record like? Who gives a shit. People vote for the top of the ticket. Sure, you can quote my “Fuck Joe Biden" article all you want. But that would make you one of the least understanding and dumbest motherfuckers on the planet, because those facts are all relevant for a man running for president. Guess what? Joe Biden is running for VICE PRESIDENT. See the difference? Guess who doesn’t set the agenda? He’ll have his own little projects, probably Amtrak, that he focuses on. Overall, he will have one function in the campaign -- to undermine John McCain. Who better than an old friend to do the job?

I’m sure Fire Tongue have an input on foreign policy too, because he is one of the most knowledgeable people in our country when it comes to foreign affairs. His deft ability to make complex foreign policy issues understandable will be devastating to watch during the vice presidential debate and whenever McCain opens his hate hole on the campaign trail. Oh, and he has a son going to Iraq. Someone on the ticket actually has a personal stake in the war. Imagine how that will go.

This is the best choice Obama could have made. By far.

You can read more of FearTheReaper's geniusing at his blog,
Stop All Monsters.

I have been told Asshole Fuckfaces now check this site every Saturday, weary of exposure. They then head to the Asshole Fuckface chat room and discuss whether those selected are worthy. This is, of course, not for them to decide. They should just be thankful they are not being shat upon. Literally. Shat upon. They deserve no less. Once again, I have spent the week scouring the Earth seeking out the worst of the worst. I will now present them to you, so that you may feel better about whatever petty shit you did this week. If you think about it, I’m sort of an angel. Now, put on your most wet repellant overalls, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some Asshole Fuckface principals should be allowed near children.

Meet Principal David Davis, a man who is probably still mad because his parents went with the lamest name possible. Davis is the principal of Ponce De Leon High School, which is on the border of Alabama and Florida. Last fall, a high school senior came to Davis to complain that other students were making fun of her for being a lesbian. Hmmm. What to do?

Oh, sure. Do everything opposite of right. When her fellow students found out what Davis had done, they showed support as best they could.

Well, that’s one approach.

Hello, sexual assault! Why not stick your finger in their ass, to find out if they smelled gay in there?

The ACLU sued the school district and a judge “reprimanded” Davis and ruled he had violated the girl’s rights. The town is, of course, horrified.

Let me try that again. The town is, of course, horrified.

Ah, shit. Well, at least the Asshole Fuckface lost his job.

You’re right. Most kids in Atlanta and Chicago aren’t exposed to backwards, religious Asshole Fuckfaces.

Next up, Asshole Fuckface German diplomacy.

Six German MPs were on an 11-day official visit to the US and Canada as part of a “health committee.” But they were not on their best behavior. They started out by canceling official appointments so they could “go sightseeing and shopping.” And that’s the best thing they did.

Ah, a little German scamming. How so very Christian Democratic of him. And yet, it got so worse.

I’m sorry, what? Do Germans think each wheelchair comes with “a negro?” How are the 1800’s going? Amazingly, the Asshole Fuckface did not back down when questioned upon returning to Germany.

Okay, he actually confused me there. I just went to a medical supply website and did not find one wheelchair with a “negro” accessory. I did find plenty of old Asshole Fuckface articles that seem appropriate.

Next up, some Asshole Fuckface cops should be forced to eat what they kill.

Krystal Hernandez and her boyfriend were speeding to a veterinarian clinic as their dog choked on food. The dog had already vomited and gone limp at home. Clearly they didn’t have a lot of time. They were apparently traveling 95 mph, when Officer Paul Stephens pulled them over.

The two college students explained the situation and pleaded for the officer to let them go. He responded appropriately.

I meant appropriately for an Asshole Fuckface. And he was only getting started. The students sat with their dying dog in the car for over 20 minutes, unable to leave. They even offered to have themselves arrested – after the dog was taken to the clinic.

Right, in Asshole Fuckface world, dogs are like oranges. If one goes bad, just get another one. By now, you know where this is going.

Officer Asshole Fuckface is receiving some kind of sensitivity training, or some shit. He should be placed in a dungeon.

Next up, some TSA Asshole Fuckfacery.

By now it is obvious to anyone who reads or has been to the airport that the TSA is loaded with Asshole Fuckfaces. This week they pulled what is known as a “doosey.”

Dipshit’s move caused 40 flights to be delayed. The TSA agent climbed onto aircraft using “control sensors mounted on the fuselage as handholds.” He was checking to see if anyone could break into the planes, and decided damaging them was the best way to go. Now a few pilots are pissed, because of the old “plane could have crashed” thing.

The TSA is, naturally, very apologetic.

Totally. The only way to save lives is by killing people.

Yes. Penalties for the airlines, but not for the Asshole Fuckface who shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a plane. Hopefully at some point, they can show how easily a terrorist can get into a plane by crashing one.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. You may also read more of his nonsense on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

George Bush provided the world with another example of his shocking stupidity yesterday, when the U.S. signed a deal to build a defensive missile base in Poland. The timing is nothing short of spectacular. How better to help solve the crisis in Georgia, than to sign a deal to put missiles on the border of Russia? I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

The Polish Prime Minister went as far as to say the situation in Georgia is why we are placing missiles in Poland.

Please don’t pay attention to the country that has invaded TWO countries, only be upset by the country that has invaded ONE country. And never mind that we’ve been trying to place missiles in Poland for a couple of years. It’s the current Russian incursion into Georgia that is the reason. Please ignore all recorded history over the last couple of years.

“Last week” being in January 2007. But, yeah, we’ll go with the fantasy that the U.S. wanted to get those missiles in there because of Russia invading Georgia. The Bush administration claims we need the missile base in Poland because of “rogue states,” like “Iran and North Korea.”

As we all know, when North Korea picks a fight with the U.S., they will attempt to launch rockets the long way around the globe. No fucking way does North Korea shoot missiles across the Pacific. They will go the long way, across Asia, Europe and the Atlantic. And no way does North Korea shoot missiles at South Korea, or Japan. Fuck no. They will probably shoot missiles across Russia and China to take out Belgium at some point. Everyone knows that.

Iran, of course, is going to bomb everyone and everything. They’re obviously going to launch missiles they don’t have at Europe. Oh, you didn’t know we’re provoking Russia to protect ourselves from missiles that don’t exist? Yeah. Kind of an awesome foreign policy plan, huh? The Pentagon claims the missile base will

Totally. I mean, neither North Korea nor Iran have intercontinental ballistic missiles, so we should build a very provocative missile base on the border of Russian to stop those not real missiles. While we’re at it, we should also create a dragon defense system. I mean, if we’re going to protect ourselves from non-existent threats, lets go all the way. Build the fucking Dragon Shield, already.

Oh, and did I mention that we don’t actually have a defensive missile system? Right. We’ve been trying to build one since 1946, but it’s been a total waste of money. Actually, it’s been the biggest giveaway to the defense industry in our country’s history. Since Reagan kicked the program off big time, it’s only cost around 120 billion dollars. And the Pentagon is asking for 62 billion more. For nothing. It’s a complete joke. So, obviously we should really, really upset the Russians in order to protect ourselves and our allies from missiles that don’t exist by using a defense missile system that does not exist.

That works just fine for the defense industry. At this point, Poland should just change its name to Bait. The Russian response has been obvious and predictable to anyone who is not a moron.

Wow, I can’t believe it. And thank God that’s not the end of it.

Shocking – if you are a tool.

Hey, look! A tool! Let me know when you accomplish just one thing that is good for the world, Condi. Thanks. And good luck with that “credibility” argument. Iraq (cough, cough). Seriously, though, you’re a war criminal, so you shouldn’t be tossing around the word “credibility.” It’s embarrassing.

Looks like the only winner in this mess is the defense industry. Who would have thought? And for anyone who wants to see how this turns out, read this book. I read it in the 8th grade. Obviously, no one in the Bush Administration has. Or even scarier, they have.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor, stand up comic. You may read more of his drivel on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Remember when you thought Hillary Clinton and her supporters were done? You obviously didn’t notice her supporter's Michael Myers like qualities. While everyone else moved on to the general election campaign, Hillary’s peeps have not. They have been strongly campaigning for Hillary to get the VP nod and they are becoming increasingly angry, all over again.

At this point it looks like there is no way she will get the nod. Currently, the world’s biggest self-hating gay, Drudge, is predicting Obama will pick Senator Joe Biden today. And the rumor mill is heating up in DC after Obama sent Biden to Georgia this week. Clinton’s supporters warn choosing Obama could mean a loss in November. I mean, how’s he going to win without out the most divisive politician in America on his side? I don’t know.

They’ve been making this point since July and it is as ridiculous as their “big state” argument and their “working class voters” argument, both of which turned out to be false, according to polls.

Yes, choosing Hillary for VP and not invading Iraq are extraordinarily similar. They just can't help themselves.

Yes. And picking Hillary could turn more people off than it could pull them in. Oh, and it would energize the Republican base more than Obama fucking a boy on top of Reagan’s grave would. But please, continue to ignore those possibilities.

Either way, expect another anger explosion from the Hillary supporters. They will be confused by Obama’s stupidity, claim they will not vote for him and rage against the system. And it will carry over to the Democratic Convention, August 25th-28th. The hardcore Hillary supporters are already planning exciting events for the convention.

The Denver Group, which was started by two Clinton supporters, hopes to convince everyone to pick Hillary at the convention. Their slogan is “Keeping the Democratic Party Democratic.” And they plan on doing that by getting superdelegates to overturn the choice of voters and pick Clinton. Brilliant.

And they made an ad!



Keep hanging on. There’s no way this won’t go your way if you just keep pushing.

The Denver Group is also opposed to having a “coronation” during the convention. They have been pushing for Clinton to be “nominated” during the convention and said that anything else would be a coronation for Obama. Having her name placed in nomination means delegates can vote for her as well as Obama. In the end, she is expected to then give her votes to Obama. And Obama agreed to do so last week. Basically, it’s just some petty, weird need for Hillary voters to make a statement, as if their 18 million votes weren’t already counted. Either way, I don’t think her being placed in nomination is that big of deal – unless these fuckers start making noise...

Oh, so they agreed to your demands and now your upset because they might not do what they agreed to? Really? Why are you so cranky? Does your diaper fit? Did you make a mess in it?

Wow. That’s an awesome idea. I wonder what the media will focus on? I don’t think you can do more for your party than to totally undermine your party's convention. I wonder if the press will want to broadcast what these idiots have to say?

That’s just smart. Obama is having a difficult time getting his message out because of the relentless and shockingly stupid McCain attacks, so you might as well make it hard for him focus on issues at the party's convention.

Other groups, like 18 Million Voices, are planning on celebrating Hillary’s achievement of losing. Sorry, I mean, coming in second. They plan on holding a large rally on the 26th of August.

Again, that should go awesome. Don’t expect much media coverage. Don’t expect them to pull out the angry women who say they won’t vote for Obama and make this seem far worse than it is. Don’t expect this to be the story of the convention. Don’t expect this to cause less unity in the party.

The amusing detail in this mess is Hillary’s supporters reasoning. They believe their actions will be cathartic and bring the party closer together.

Yes, nothing will bring the party together more than giving more attention to the woman who refused to give up, even after she was long dead. This is about group therapy for the Hillheads, nothing more. Some are just looking for something to be upset about. No matter what the DNC does, they will be angry.

This above statement was made before it was agreed that Clinton would be “placed in nomination.” They were angry about something that had not been decided either way yet. And they will be a vocal minority at the convention and take away from the message. Count on it. And count on Obama supporter’s angry response.

Oh, and Hillary could have put a stop to this with a few phone calls.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and comedian. You can read more of his blathering on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Well, here we are again. It’s been a long time since the last Asshole Fuckface Roundup. My minions tell me an entire week has passed, but it feels like years. Asshole Fuckfacery never slows, like time it marches forward in a constant assault on all that is good. I wish there was somene to oppose Asshole Fuckfacery, like a good guy, or a fairy. But there is no such thing. Those of us on the sidelines can only point out the Asshole Fuckfaces and mock them. That’s what my people have been doing since a couple hours before the dawn of time. (We got in early – it’s who you know) This week I have scoured the news, once again, to find the worst of the worst. The list is rather revolting, as usual, so put on your favorite box because this is going to be ugly.

We start with some Presidential candidate Asshole Fuckfacery.

John McCain appears to be a complete and total moron. Once upon a time I believed he was just old, but now, as I look further into his past, I have come to understand he is a moron. Sure, sometimes he lies out of his vagina, like most conservatives, but he also appears to just be stupid.

He gave us another glaring example of his shocking stupidity this week, when he chose these glorious words.

Huh. I guess he missed the Gulf War and 9/11 and the Iraq War and the war in Afghanistan. I’m sure that is something the 4,144 Americans soldiers killed in Iraq will be surprised to hear. And, yeah, 9/11 was totally not an serious international crisis. Oh, and you are unfit to be president because of your mental state.

Thanks for the tip. I thought it was a terrible party. McCain is either a liar or he is that stupid. Either way, he should not be president. Vote Ron Paul!

Next up, AM radios biggest Asshole Fuckfaces spewed more idiocy out of his Oxycontin hole.

Listen to genius Rush Limbaugh wax poetically about Olympic phenom Michael Phelps and America’s energy crisis.

Hi, no connection, my name’s FearTheReaper.

Holy shit, is Rush a dumb Asshole Fuckface. I can only assume he wakes up and shoves an ice pick into his frontal lobe each morning. To attempt to connect one human being, a super human, to America’s energy crisis and “the left” may be the dumbest thing I have heard in a long time.

Um. No. One is a person, the other is a country. One runs on gasoline and the other runs on chicken and ice cream. See the difference? I would love it if our country could run on ice cream, but it can’t. I’m sorry that you are the physical embodiment of Homer Simpson.

Oh, and, “Chinese gymnasts eat rice cakes?” Really? You couldn’t help but throw in a little racism as well, huh? Please Christian Right, keep listening to this drug addict, 4-time divorced multimillionaire, because he understands your values.

Next up, some grieving family Asshole Fuckfacery.

Earlier this year, 14-year-old Oxnard high school student Lawrence King was shot and killed by a fellow classmate. King was said to have “worn feminine attire and makeup,” which made him the target of other boys in the school. The shooter, Brandon David McInerney, has been charged with a hate crime.

Naturally, the school must pay. For letting a kid with a gun on campus? For failing to protect a student? Nope. Because the school let King dress the way he wanted.

Welcome to the Asshole Fuckface Roundup, grieving family. I think you’re the first to get that honor.

Right. If it wasn’t for the clothes and makeup, King would still be alive. Other than that, he totally fit in.

Finally, some Asshole Fuckfaces do not make good fathers.

Meet Raymond Daniel Thurmond, of Lavonia, Georgia. Ray has been living in a trailer with his wife and four children for three years. He worked at a poultry plant and was said the be police and quiet. But that was just outside the trailer. Inside it was a different story. Ray didn’t allow his family to leave the trailer for three years – and the trailer was not in the best condition.

“Refused to continue.” That can’t be good.

And why not throw in some abuse? Ray would beat his kids, ages 14, 13, 12 and 9, sometimes with a steel-toed boot. He would rape his wife all the time, while the children listened. His wife was suffering from battered wife syndrome and did not come forward until Ray told her he was leaving for another woman.

Um, I’m going to go ahead and say the other woman caught a break. Ray is looking at charges of rape, child abuse and false imprisonment. I hope he gets a little understanding of prison rape.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comic. You can read more of his nonsense at his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Wow, that John Voight op-ed in the Washington Times really set off a right wing “Hollywood won’t let conservatives talk” festival of tears. They seized upon the words of some entertainment blogger and went back on the warpath. It’s not surprising. Artists are the one thing the right wing will never able to control in this country. Ever. And they can’t handle it.

On the 28th of July, Voight penned one of the dumbest op-eds I have ever read. It was mind bogglingly stupid. John Wells, of Hollywood-elsewhere.com, didn’t think it was the most brilliant piece either and he finished off a blog entry with this sentence.

The right wing, of course, went bat shit fucking crazy. How dare Hollywood threaten a man for speaking his mind! It’s blacklisting! It’s Nazism!

Uh, not so much. It’s actually just a blogger writing in the moment, being pissed off and hoping something like that would happen. Guess what? It wasn’t Steven Spielberg saying it. It wasn’t Sumner Redstone saying it. It wasn’t Tom Cruise saying it. Nope, it was someone with absolutely zero power saying it. It was about as important as the janitor at MGM saying it. But that certainly didn’t stop the right wing from losing their minds – or John Voight condemning the blacklisting.

First of all, fuck off, you idiot. Wells did not call for a blacklist, he just stated that a producer might think twice about wanting to spend time around someone who appears to be a blow hard idiot. That’s what it comes down to. Look, Voight is no longer a good actor. He is capable of delivering what is needed in movies like The Transformers. Nobody thinks of Voight when a juicy role comes along. He’s a limited character actor and they try to keep their personal life out of the spotlight as much as possible, because baggage harms their ability to be chameleons on screen.

Now, if you really want to piss off a writer in Hollywood, bring up the word “blacklist.” No one has suffered more from blacklisting than writers - at the hands of the right wing. For a bunch of right wing cunts to turn this term around and misuse it in their advantage is disgusting. The right wing destroyed people’s lives with blacklisting.

penned an op-ed for the Washington Post. It’s rife with the usual conservative grandiose victimization. He kicks off with a delightful story of how hard it is to be a conservative in Hollywood.

Oooooo. Wow. You mean, when you are in an area of the country that has political leanings toward one side, you don’t get applause for stating the opposite view? Holy shit. I never would have known that doing stand up in places like Arkansas, Oklahoma and Texas. I wouldn’t have known that when a guy in Mississippi yelled from the audience, “Why don’t you shut your fucking mouth?” I wouldn’t have known that when a girl in Georgia yelled, “Go home Yankee” as I walked the stage. And I certainly never would have picked that up when a woman told me I was going to hell as I told jokes in Oklahoma. How fucking stupid do you have to be to not understand that this is life.

Guess what? My liberal ass wasn’t invited back to those clubs. Wanna know why? Because I didn’t fit in. That’s called life. People naturally gather with like-minded people. I haven’t written many letters to the editor about my poor treatment in southern comedy clubs because I don’t have an obsession over things I can’t control. I’ve toured every state in the country and there were more than a few places where I had to hold my tongue, like the entire southern half of the United States. And I had to listen to many conversations about how horrible liberals are.

The most vile aspect of this right wing cry party is that the people hiring for the Department of Justice for the past 7 years had a blacklist. I’m not hearing much from the right wing about that problem. The complete politicizing of the Department of Justice and not a peep. But when a blogger comments that John Voight might not get a job, it’s shit storm time.

The right wing are cowardly, vile creatures. For them, all is well if they destroy the rule of law, but if movies are partisan in nature, a grievous wrong has been committed. They have the priorities of child molesters.

And lastly, artists will always be liberals. That’s how it works. And I’m sorry 24 has been renewed for another season. Another year of dirty, liberal propaganda.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. If you want to read more of his yammering, check out his blog Stop All Monsters.

The situation in Georgia is deteriorating rapidly. For those of you who have had your heads shoved up your asses, here’s a recap and some history from Redbstrd. Georgia has been a tinderbox for years and the last thing one needs during a tinderbox situation is the simplistic, one note diplomacy of George Bush and company. He fucked the pooch on this one, plain and simple.

Historically, this is a very fucked up situation.Think Israel and Palestine. Georgia has been opposed to their aggressive Russian neighbors for centuries. And two regions inside Georgia, Abkhazia and South Ossetia, are opposed to aggressive Georgia rule. In the end, the regions don’t want to be a part of Georgia, so they looked to Russia for help. Georgia invaded the capital of South Ossetia this week and Russia responded by invading, too. The conflict has now spread to Abkhazia and beyond. That’s the incredibly simplistic summary of a conflict that has been going on since the late 1700s. You want more, read this. Oh, and don’t forget about the oil. Seems every conflict in the world includes oil as part of the equation.

We should be concerned about what our part in this mess is and how to make sure we don’t do more damage.

The Bush administration encouraged Georgia president Mikheil Saakashvili to apply for NATO membership. This really couldn’t have been a more ignorant stance to take. During a time of increasing nationalism in Russia, that reminds some of past fascist rulers, encouraging a Russian border country, with a history of conflicts, to join NATO is completely moronic. Oh, and Russia said they would not allow it.

No, shit. Anyone who had bothered to read any history of the region would have known that, but we are talking about a president who didn’t know the difference between Shiites and Sunnis when he invaded Iraq. Nuance and intelligence are the enemies of George Bush.

Bush has been giving weapons and training to Georgia for several years, while he pushed for the country’s entry into NATO. Europe said, “No thanks,” because they are not fucking morons. They knew if Georgia was allowed into NATO, it would mean war with Russia, which is exactly where we would be now if our retarded president had his way. We would be at war with Russia, obligated by NATO treaties to send troops to defend Georgia. Sound good? That’s how stupid Bush and his people are.

Now, throw in the fact that the U.S. has invaded two countries in the past seven years, and we actually don’t have the ability to take a stance against an aggressive Russia. Bush invaded Iraq by using false intelligence, lying to the UN and the American people. It’s kind of hard for a guy who killed someone, standing with blood all over his hands, to call someone else a murderer, without everyone looking at him funny. Also, any military or other support we could have given Georgia is being used in two wars. And Russia knows that.

But, it’s not like some in the Bush administration aren’t calling for the U.S. to jump into this fight. Colossal dipshit and the greatest threat to America since the Japanese, Vice President Dick Cheney, would like us to get in this fucker.

Oh, good. Call up the president of Georgia and act like you are president of the United States, dick. What a completely insane promise to make. What the fuck does "not go unanswered" mean? Judging by past Bush administration responses, that ain't good. But then, these are the same neo-con idiots who have wreaked havoc on the world, so it can’t be a big surprise.

Okay. Line crossed. What do you propose, genius? The people of Georgia are expecting our support because of this EXACT TYPE OF LANGUAGE over the years.

Not coming. Not actually your friends.

It's not and we're in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Sorry about that. How about a mint?

It's called being on the other end of Bush foreign policy. Kind of a bummer, huh?

Smell that? It’s smells familiar, kind of like the Shiites rising up against Saddam Hussein under the first President George Bush, after he encouraged them to fight, after he insinuated they would be aided in their battle, after he stupidly made public statements he should not have made. They were slaughtered, just as the Georgians are being slaughtered today.

Bush I basically told the Shiites we had their back and they were slaughtered, while our soldiers were forced to watch, unable to engage. Now Bush II has done the same with Georgia and the result is not surprising.

John McCain, of course, wants to make the situation worse. Old School believes the situation escalated because NATO didn’t vote Georgia into the organization. Uh, yeah. That would be true, I guess, in a world where Russia didn’t say the exact opposite.

Hey, World War III! How you been? John McCain actually wants us to do the exact opposite of what should be done. Just to summarize, he wants NATO to vote for a war with Russia. Because, you know, that’s what happens when you bring a country into NATO who is at war with Russia. Johnny wants to play “bluff” with Russia and hope they would back down. You know, the Russia that is going through a bout of insane nationalism and knows the U.S. is incredibly weak militarily. Hey, draft age guys, you up for it, or what?

Oh, and please don’t pay attention to the fact that McCain's top foreign policy advisor was a lobbyist for...Georgia.

It’s interesting. A McCain win could mean World War III, but any destabilization in the world only helps McCain because of his military background. It’s weird, but somebody predicted a more unstable world as part of his future election breakdown. And hey, he also predicted the surge would be a success! Who would have thought with all that paying off of the enemy and whatnot….

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comic. You can read more of his blathering on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Most people do not know that Asshole Fuckfaces are not born, they are hatched in filth. Like maggots, they feed on death or shit for nourishment. At some point, they burrow into the Earth and begin their transformation process. After several years, they burst forth from the soil as fully formed humans. Then they live on Earth for a while, doing the Asshole Fuckface work, until they shed their human skin and metamorphose into pure energy balls of hate. True story. But for now, the ones that walk the planet must be revealed to all, so that we may laugh at how horrible they are. This week gave us a bountiful harvest of Asshole Fuckfaces. So, put on your leather poncho, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, apples don’t fall far from the Asshole Fuckface tree.

Bob Schaffer is a former Republican Congressman who is currently running for the Senate in Colorado. He’s a quality individual who loves human rights abuses, the company of lobbyists engaged in illegal activity, forced abortions, and helping oil companies secure contracts in opposition of the State Departments wishes.

Now his son, Justin Schaffer, is in the spotlight because he apparently learned quite a bit from the old man. Justin attends the University of Dayton and he has a Facebook page. Holy shit does he have a Facebook page.

Well, he said everything but “anti-Christ.” All in good fun, right?

Well, that’s an interesting question. I’m guessing Jesus would not hold an M-16. The kid is drowning in retarded slogans.



I saved the best for last.



Ha ha ha. Slavery! Fun shit, especially if you are a privileged, white Asshole Fuckface. Please, Dayton, throw this piece of shit out of school.

Next, we head to Missouri for some legal Asshole Fuckfacery.

Last month, Ozark police receive a call that a young man was walking along a highway and he seemed “agitated.” When police arrived, 17-year-old Mace Hutchinson was lying on the shoulder of US 65, after having fallen 30 feet from an overpass. Hutchinson had a broken back and a punctured lung. So, what to do if you are an Asshole Fuckface?

Why not shit on him, as well? Police said Hutchinson was

Uh huh. For those of you who are not familiar with law enforcement, this is pretty much you classic cop lie. They lie all the time, to protect their abusive behavior. Dude lying on sidewalk with broken back and punctured lung is the definition of non-threatening. But the police department conducted an internal investigation and determined it was totally cool. Enjoy the lawsuit, Asshole Fuckfaces.

Next up, an Asshole Fuckface tried to make his own butter – with his cock.

Getulino Ferreira Paraizo is a 53-year-old Brazilian who enjoys cows. A lot. By “a lot,” I mean he fucks the shit out of them.

Well, maybe the cows had a good time. It’s possible he took them out for some nice alfalfa first.

Well, that’s a boner kill – or it should be. Getulino says he can’t have sex with women because he was sexually abused as a child.

Understatement. Now, all we have to do is find a therapist who specializes in cow rape murderers. Police believe the Asshole Fuckface raped and killed over 400 cows in 4 years.

Next up, Asshole Fuckfaces do not go well with sandwiches and emergency services.

Meet Reginald Peterson, 42, of Jacksonville, Florida. Reggie wants shit done right, and if it ain’t done right, Reggie brings out the big guns.

Dude enjoys certain sandwich specifications and he doesn’t take kindly to those sandwich specifications being ignored. Also, Reggie has a problem with poor service. And he is a fucking moron.

I guess so. The store manager locked Reggie outside and called the cops. When the police arrived, they tried to calm Reggie down, without success, so they arrested him for making false 911 calls.

Never would have guessed Reggie is a boozer.

Finally, don’t drink an Asshole Fuckface's beer. Ever.

Regina Williams and Willie Anderson were sitting in his car in Chicago on Wednesday night, when Regina realized Willie was drinking her beer.

So, don’t drink her beer, I guess.

Actually, definitely don’t drink her beer.

Well, that was nice.

And that’s a happy ending, right? I mean, from an Asshole Fuckface perspective. She has been arrested and charged with first degree murder. And I really want to know what kind of beer it was.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You will each recieve a FearTheReaper beret. (Sorry.)

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. You may read more of his nonsense on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

"Russia is fighting a war with us in our own territory," Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili announced today.

Reuters reported today that the Russian military has entered into territory claimed by the Republic of Georgia - what is currently a breakaway region known as South Ossetia. Russian tanks are currently clashing with Georgian forces in South Ossetia and the Russian airforce is striking targets in Georgia proper.

Russia's decision to use force stemmed most immediately from Georgia's attack on the Ossetian capital of Tskhinvali yesterday. Conflict over spy drones, mutual sniper attacks, and artillery shelling has marred Russian-Georgian relations in the preceding weeks and months.

Russia claims that Georgia is to blame for the fighting:

Meanwhile, the Georgian president accuses Russian forces of intentionally targeting civilians and dismisses the Russian claims.

For those not familiar with politics of the south Caucasus, Georgia is an independent nation that borders Russia, Turkey, Azerbaijan, and Armenia. The nation is known for its excellent wines (like kindzmarauli and kvanchkara), spicy cuisine, and being the birthplace of Iosif Dzhugashvili - better known as Stalin. The landscape of Georgia is beautiful and it is home to four UNESCO cultural heritage sites. The population of Georgia is overwhelmingly Eastern Orthodox and has been Christian since Roman times. It is also the home to 12 different living languages (plus Russian and Armenian) and at least 18 distinct ethnic groups.

Russian-Georgian relations date back to the early 1860s, when King Herekle asked for Russian aid (as a fellow Orthodox nation) to secure their independence against both the Ottoman Turks and the Qajar Persians who competed for dominance of the Caucasus. Russia, under Catherine the Great, repeatedly failed to honor military obligations to Herekle but due to court intrigue, the aging monarch feared for the survival of his dynasty. Consequently, he signed the Treaty of Georgievsk in 1873, making Russia the protector of the eastern half of modern Georgia. Under Paul I, Russia formally annexed eastern Georgia in 1801 and conquered the rest within 10 years. The nation remained part of the Russian empire and the Soviet Union (with the exception of a brief independence following the collapse of the Romanov dynasty) until 1991, when Georgia declared its independence.

Things were not rosy* for post-independence Georgia, however, as even the former Soviet dissident and human rights activist Zviad Gamsakhurdia ruled in an authoritarian manner (even accusing his enemies of "sabotage" and treason). After his ouster by a violent coup, the opposition forces appointed Eduard Shevardnadze as president of the nation. His rule was likewise characterized by corruption and nepotism, leading to his peaceful ouster in the Rose Revolution of 2003. Russian Foreign Minister Ivanov negotiated the resignation of Gamsakhurdia in a summit meeting with the Georgian president and the opposition (including pro-Western and American-educated current president Mikheil Saakashvili).

While political representation has taken a turn for the better in the past five years in Georgia, the country is plagued with problems. Almost half of the population lives beneath the poverty line. Corruption and crime are rampant. More importantly - two regions of Georgia broke away after the 1991 independence: South Ossetia and Abkhazia. Following Saakashvili's campaign promises to clamp down on separatism, the leader of the autonomous region of Adjara also threatened to secede, leading to another crisis. While Georgia resolved the Adjara crisis peacefully, it was defeated militarily in its campaigns in both South Ossetia and Abkhazia. Georgia cannot exert military control over either region, largely due to Russian support of the separatists. Both of these conflicts led to slaughter of innocent civilians by all sides and ended in ethnic cleansing of the Georgian population in the breakaway regions.

South Ossetia continues to be a problem for Russian-Georgian relations. The UN, EU, and NATO refuse to recognize South Ossetia as an independent nation, while Russia extends visas to the population. Georgia hopes to suppress the Ossetian de facto independence and Saakashvili is under pressure from the public to do so. Meanwhile, Russia backs South Ossetia as a means of exerting power over Georgia and countering American influence in the region.

America, in fact, is deeply involved in the Russian-Georgian conflict at least in the eyes of the two players. Following George W. Bush's visit to Tbilisi in 2005, the Georgians renamed the street by their airport to "George W. Bush avenue." As a Reuters article notes, the United States has 120 soldiers in Georgia. President Saakashvili asserts that the influence of the US is even deeper, though. According to him, the latest Russian-Georgian conflict:

He continued to say:

Meanwhile, the NY Times reports that:

The United States will have difficulty remaining uninvolved, especially given Georgia's immediate decision to pull these troops out of Iraq.

US Presidential candidate John McCain has called on Russia to withdraw from Georgia and asks for an emergency UN Security Council meeting (Note: one already took place 12 hours before he called for it). Some bloggers are already claiming that this event will increase McCain's rating in polls because of his hawkish stance.

*Yeah, that's a pun on Georgia's Rose Revolution...

Turns out Democrats can be just as horrible, hateful people as our GOP friends. This week Democrats in a couple of primaries took the low road with ugly religious and gay attacks. It’s really sweet to see the supposed liberal party go to depths many Republicans would not.

First came Democrat Nikki Tinker, who is running against Democratic Representative Steven Cohen for Tennessee’s 9th district seat. The election is today and Nikki is apparently down in polling, so she took the lowest road possible. It’s a road Hitler would have been proud of. Her latest ad is far from subtle.

Yeah, what is that Jew doing in your churches? And how dare that Jew uphold the Constitution of the United States by voting against prayer in schools. I wish I could show you the ad, but Tinker pulled it from You Tube due to complaints.

This isn’t the first time Cohen’s religion has come into the race. Over the past few months, black ministers have passed out these fliers:



Nikki Tinker has refused to denounce the fliers. The black ministers began to circulate them because of Cohen’s support for federal hate crimes legislation to protect gay rights. Go Democrats!

Oh, and don’t forget about Cohen’s KKK connections.



That’s about as low as it gets - and it's coming from a Democrat. Meanwhile, Cohen is a freshman Congressman who sounds like a decent legistator.

But he’s not black and he’s a Jew and Nikki Tinker is making sure everyone in the district knows. Hopefully she loses the election today.

Some equally vile conduct is occurring in Kansas, home of ignorance. Gail Finney, a marketing consultant and vice-chairwoman of the local Democratic Party, was in trouble going into the final days of the primary for the state's 84th District House seat. But yesterday, she defeated Inga Taylor, a black lesbian, by using the classic GOP “here comes the gay agenda” attacks in the final days of the campaign.

Using a “coordinated mail, e-mail and phone campaign,” Finney was able to swing voters and win easily. Here’s a sample of an email that went out.

Oh, my God no. They might change the name to Lesbichita.

The Victory Fund realized how serious the anti-gay attacks were on Tuesday and asked Kansas governor and serious vice president contender, Kathleen Sebelius, to denounce Finney’s tactics. Sebelius did nothing. If there's one thing you can always count on from Democrats, it's that they will run away from their beliefs during election time.

Go Democratic Party! Feel the pride.

FearTheReaper is a comic, writer and actor. You can read more of his babbling on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

The Republicans are masters of using race to stir up white anger and fear to win elections. They play the race card, as it is referred to by hacks, and are more subtle and effective with it each year. “Playing the race card” is just a palatable way of describing their racist bullshit. I don’t know how long the GOP has been doing this, my memory only goes back to Reagan, who was a master at riling up the master race.

In 1980, Reagan gave a campaign speech in Philadelphia, Mississippi, during which he said,

It was obvious to anyone with a brain that Reagan was signaling white racists that he was on their side. After all, he was speaking the city where three civil rights workers were killed in 1964 and any retard knows what "states rights" means in the South.

If you don’t buy that connection, then don’t forget Reagan’s many quotes about a “welfare queen driving a Cadillac,” or his claiming that the Voting Rights Act had been “humiliating to the South,” or his help keeping Bob Jones University from losing its tax exempt status because of a ban on interracial dating, or his opposition to a holiday for Martin Luther King. Reagan was not just a terrible president, but he was also a straight-up racist asshole.

This was the plan, called the Southern Strategy, encouraged by Richard Nixon strategist Kevin Phillips.

That’s the plan they have followed, ever since. Bush used the famous Willy Horton ad against Michael Dukakis quite effectively.



Oh, my God! A black man!

But the country has changed. That kind of overt bullshit would not go over well in many places now. I’m not saying it wouldn’t still go over great in many states, because it would. But the number of people it would turn off across the nation would not make the ad effective today. And there’s the new problem: The Democratic candidate is a black guy. That means the Republicans have to walk a very fine racist line. And they are doing it very well, so far.

The John McCain tactic seems to be to create ads most whites won’t consider racist, but blacks will.



That’s obviously a racist ad. It’s subtle, but if you don’t think showing two young white women in an ad with a black man, and tossing the word “FOREIGN” up on screen with the black guy’s face isn’t racist, then you are a fucking moron. Unfortunately, when blacks become upset and claim it is racist, McCain can scream innocence and say he’s a victim of “the race card.” Poor rich, white guy. Sadly, Obama fell right into the trap.

That’s a pretty innocuous statement, but just commenting on the ad put him in a negative light, according to polls.

The reason for that is simple; there are more white people than black people. This is about how people relate and most of us don't relate to racism, subtle or otherwise.

Considering McCain is a doddering old fool, who has taken the least popular stance on nearly every position, his only chance to win is by using race. The Republican machine knows exactly what it is doing and they are doing it well. The race is tightening. Obama has stupidly moved away from his base, while Republicans are drawing theirs together. Democrats should be very thankful that McCain is a senile old man.



The debates could be devastating. Don’t forget, Reagan and Carter were tied in the polls going into the final debate, just one week before the election. You can be certain McCain will look horrible in the debates, but the damage may already be done with “the race card.” And Republicans, when you bunch that ballot for McCain this year, know you are supporting racism. Know that you are a vile, filthy person who supports the worst in mankind.

FearTheReaper is a comic, writer and actor. You can read more of his nonsense at his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Asshole Fuckface Day is upon us again, like a horny mutt banging away on our legs. It never stops. It can’t. Because there will always be Asshole Fuckfaces crawling about the Earth, leaving their slimy trails of filth. This week was especially craven and the choices were plentiful. Yet, doing my duty as appointed by God, I chose wisely and cautiously. Asshole Fuckface picking is not something one does on a whim. There is an extensive background check and several criteria must be met. It is now time for you to behold the worst of the worst, the vilest humans on Earth. So, put on your full body armor because this is going to be ugly.

We start with some wonderful New Orleans Asshole Fuckfacery.

You can always count on a politician from New Orleans to be doing something horrible at any given moment. This week, State Senator Derrick Shepherd stepped up. Apparently Sam’s sister and mommy were threatened by his ex-girlfriend and he did not know that police existed, so he took matters into his own hands.

“Lady puncher” is not going to look good on the next campaign poster.

She finally got crazy Sam to leave, after he locked her outside and she called 911.

Being a State Senator, you wouldn’t want to pass up a chance to steal and entire 100 clams. I mean, what could go wrong? Notice that the above paragraph says that Shepherd was arrested. Holy shit was he arrested.

Best State Senator, ever. And one hell of an Asshole Fuckface.

Next up, some country singer Asshole Fuckfacery.

Genius Toby Keith, who is in the Asshole Fuckface Hall of Fame for writing The Taliban Song, was on the Glenn Beck radio show this week. Now, ordinarily I would expect some sort of wormhole to open up when two of the dumbest people on Earth come together, but for some reason that did not happen. What did occur was one of the dumbest, most racist, ignorant statements that have been uttered during this presidential campaign.

Indeed. Obama’s not slapping bitches or flashing his bling. Also, I don’t know if you have noticed but Obama does not have a single gold tooth - and he doesn't hold weekly dog fights in his backyard. How are black people supposed to relate?

Next up, what happens when you do something horribly wrong? In Asshole Fuckface Land, you get a medal.

In December, a Minneapolis SWAT team entered the house of a law abiding citizen and had a bit of a shoot out.

Hmm. Well, obviously somebody fucked up. The Minneapolis department acknowledged the raid was a mistake and apologized. But that has not helped the family.

Well, what to do? How about some fucking medals, bitch?

Congrats on fucking up, and getting into a shoot out with an innocent man that could have led to the death of both police officers and children. Seriously, thanks for not killing innocent children. You get an Asshole Fuckface award. Maybe next year you can shoot up an old folks home.

Finally, some rich Saudi Arabian Asshole Fuckfacery.

A Sheik in Saudi Arabia had quite a dilemma on his hands this week. He owns and Lamborghini, but he needed an oil change by an approved dealer. If you’re an Asshole Fuckface, the choice is simple.

That’s some serious Asshole Fuckfacery, there.

Hey, there’s a thought! Man, I can't wait for that country's time to end.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces. You will each receive a FearTheReaper video game. Please enjoy more of FearTheReaper's nonsense on his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Republicans seem to be having some sort of summer corruption blowout. Between an on-the-run Karl Rove, a gagged EPA, a law breaking Justice Department and an indicted Senator Ted Stevens, it’s a jamboree of wrongness. The current Republican Party takes a daily bath in sweet corruption, but this week stands above all others.

Let us start with Karl Rove, everyone’s favorite pasty, flabby beast. Yesterday, the House Judiciary Committee voted to hold Karl in contempt of Congress.

Karl is, of course, willing to speak to members of the House Judiciary Committee behind closed doors without any recording of the conversation, because that’s what innocent guys do. He also wants it to happen in a submarine in the middle of the Atlantic and everyone must be nude. Also, after the meeting all Senators must be sandblasted until their hair and skin is removed. Finally, they must be blinded and their memories erased.

Karl doesn’t want to testify in front of Congress because he’s as guilty as they come. But don’t expect the Democrats to do anything. Nancy The Coward Pelosi still has to approve the final vote in front of the entire House. If someone could be held accountable, you can be sure Nancy will run away. But still, it’s fun to see Karl’s name and “contempt” in the same headline.

The Justice Department is also looking like a giant, steaming turd today. Anyone could have read the story on the front page of the Washington Post yesterday. The Justice Department’s Office of the Inspector General and Office of Professional Responsibility released a report and, well, is it good when the Justice Department has been breaking the law? I'm guessing it's not good, mostly because it is called THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT.

Oops. All that stuff is illegal, Monica. But it’s not surprising, considering she was the “White House liaison.” Huh, I wonder why Karl won’t answer questions under oath?

And speaking of breaking the law, what up Ted Stevens? Yesterday, Ted became the first Senator in 20 years to be indicted for felonies while serving in office. Well done, sir. The bat-shit, crazy Alaskan Senator was indicted on seven felony counts for lying to hide the $250,000 in “gifts and services” he received from an oil and construction company.

Shit. I didn’t realize I couldn’t take a three-bedroom first floor, a basement, a garage, a gas range and a wraparound deck from my buddy. How about if I give it back?

Stevens is looking at 5 years in the slammer. He’s 84. I’m laughing.

And finally, the EPA is going into some sort of Branch Davidian Waco lockdown, sans the kid fucking. Under Bush, the EPA has taken a lot of shit for lying and basically doing the opposite of what it was created to do. Several congressional committees have requested documents on the EPA’s position on global warming and the EPA responded with a giant, “Go fuck yourself.” Last week, EPA Administrator Stephen Johnson decided not to appear in front of two Senate committees to discuss why the agency does the opposite of its staff's technical and legal recommendations. And now the agency is in crazy lockdown mode.

Let’s fire some tear gas in there and send in the battering rams. My God, just think of the shit we are going to learn about these agencies when Bush leaves office and a new crew comes in.

The current Republican Party is insane.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. You can read more of his blathering on his blog, Stop All Monsters.