Today is the final day for you to register to vote in many states. Don't be a punk.



Do it.

This week was an epic week for Asshole Fuckfacery. So much so that I actually became enraged when I wrote this. Seriously. What horrible, horrible people. The last one is particularly horrible. So, put on your favorite OshKosh B'Gosh overalls and get ready for the filth. This is going to be ugly.

First up, some Oregon Asshole Fuckfacery.

It seems a week doesn’t go by where I don’t point out some Oregon racism. Wait. What? Yes, some Asshole Fuckface racist in Oregon made himself known by hanging an effigy of Barack Obama on George Fox University.

Naturally, the Christians were quite upset.

Um. Have you talked to any of your fellow Christians lately? The ones in the south have a big hard on for torture.

Oh, Jesus. Have you not noticed Obama is black? It’s not political. They just picked the country’s #1 black guy. How naïve are you guys up there?

Hey, there’s a surprise. Keep on supporting those Christian values of war, torture, less civil rights, global warming, lying and cronyism.

Next up, PETA. Need I say more?

Holy shit, the people involved in PETA take Asshole Fuckfacery to a new level. Do you like ice cream? Would you like all ice cream to be made from ladies breast milk? PETA would.

PETA, I’d like to introduce you to logistics. I’d also like to introduce you to creepy, although, I think you guys have already met.

Yeah. Now close your eyes and picture a herd of women in a barn being milked by a farmer.

Wow, you guys are douchebags. And you should start making ice cream out of babies.

Next up, some amazing right wing Asshole Fuckfacery.

Who to blame for the current economic crisis? The rich oligarchs who recklessly fed off the poor in a shockingly shortsighted and heinous manner? Or brown people? If you’re an Asshole Fuckface, you gotta go with brown people.

The National Review’s Asshole Fuckface extraordinaire, Mark Krikorian, wrote a delightful piece called “Cause and Effect.” In it, he lay the blame where it belongs: With Hispanics.

That’s the “Cause” part. The “Effect” part? Well, obviously if you hire Mexicans and other Mexican like people, your entire bank will fail. Duh. That’s why there are no banks south of the US border. It’s just guys with wads of cash on street corners.

But why stop with blaming Hispanics when there are tons of black people running around?

We really need to stop pretending like Negroes are capable of owning stuff, right, Neil? That your point, you horrible Asshole Fuckface? Minorities are to blame for the bank’s reckless loaning decisions?

Finally, the epic Asshole Fuckfacery of John McCain.

John McCain is an amazing idiot. His actions this week define reckless and he has shown he should not be allowed anywhere near the white house – even as a gardener. To sum up what happened:

The Senate Democrats, Senate Republicans, House Democrats, and Treasury Secretary Paulson spent all week negotiating over a bill to solve the current crisis. On Thursday morning, Senate Democrats and Senate Republicans announced that they had agreed on key points. Then McCain decided he wanted in. He asked President Bush to call a meeting with Obama. Obama did not see the need for it, but attended anyway. The meeting accomplished nothing. Oh, wait, that’s wrong. The meeting destroyed 7 days of careful negotiation. He had no plan. He did not come with better ideas. He just wanted to stop what was happening, so he would appear relevant.

The White House meeting was a complete and total disaster.

McCain did not ask questions during the meeting, he did not do anything, but mumble some bullshit at the end.

And when he finally did…gobbly goo.

The Senator is so disliked by his fellow Senators that he had to join with a group of House Republican fanatics. And make no mistake about it, John McCain has hitched his wagon to complete and total lunatics.

They want less regulation and tax cuts. You know, like curing an alcoholic by giving him a case of Glenlivit. They are insane ideologues who threaten our way of life because of their own self interest.

You know the parents you read about every once in a while, who wouldn’t let their child see a doctor because they believe in prayer – and the child died? That’s what we are talking about when we discuss the people McCain has attached himself to during this financial crisis.

No, actually, I don't.

McCain just jumped to the #1 Asshole Fuckface of all time.

Did you know that a significant portion of our energy consumption is wasted by people leaving their chargers plugged into an outlet when they are not in use? Unplug that shit when you're not using it, you Asshole Fuckface.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

John McCain is too old to be president. It’s pretty simple. The office ages you dramatically. Just take a look at before and after pictures of Bush and Clinton. They appear to have been brutalized by time. It is not an easy job. It is about as demanding as any job gets and the daily responsibility would age anyone. Problem is, John McCain is already old. And please don’t bring up your ageism bullshit. He’s old, regardless of his actual age, the man is already showing signs of wear that make him too run down for the job.

This may come as a surprise to you, but age can actually wear down a person’s cognitive ability. Sure, it depends on the specific individual, but from what I have seen, McCain is a shadow of the man he was in 2000. The quick wit is gone, replaced by increasing episodes of confusion. Too often he can’t answer questions because his ability to is gone. He constantly stumbles and makes horrible errors. Consider a recent statement: “The fundamentals of the economy are strong.” Years ago, McCain would never has said something so simplistically stupid on the day the economy was turning to shit. But if, on the off chance he had, he would have quickly recovered. Now, he doesn’t even know he’s said something idiotic until his staff tells him. That’s just sad.

His supporters say his mother is alive and well. Oh, well his dad died at 70, so what’s your point? Does anyone actually think it’s a good idea to have a president who does not want to work on weekends?

Well, that bodes well for a McCain presidency. I mean, Bush vacationed more than any president in history and look how that worked out.

Oh, that’s even better. The people around him see the effect of working long hours and want him to take it easy. Why? Because he’s old and it’s showing. On the campaign trail the last thing they want the American public to see is the advancing age of McCain. For them, it is better to have McCain seen less and receive less press, than to totally blow it. Just what we need in a president.

If McCain wins, he will be the oldest elected president. He will be the age of Reagan in his second term. Is that a good comparison? The old, Alzheimer’s riddled guy? He is older than FM radio, the Golden Gate Bridge, plutonium, Indonesia, Pakistan, and McDonald’s. He could be a sharp and capable 72-year-old, but he appears not to be.



Age affects everyone differently. Some people are still doing well mentally at 72; McCain does not appear to be one of those people. And the media is just allowing his gaffes and slips to breeze by. His age is, and should be a major point of discussion. But the fear of “ageism” runs rampant. It seems to be on the level of sexism or racism, when it is nothing of the sort. People deteriorate, as they get older. They do not because they are black or a woman. It is a legitimate question to ask – and more so because McCain’s health record. Having secret cancer operations is not a great way to show your spryness. Only allowing reporters 3 hours to look at your thousands of pages of medical records is not either.

McCain is losing his mental sharpness. It’s obvious to anyone who watched him over the years. He should be preparing for retirement, not running for president. He seems to be running because of the past, trying to right a wrong that occurred in 2000. Honestly, it just seems weird that a man who doesn’t want to work that much wants to be president.

I’ve known a few old people in my time. Many start to lose their sharpness, their quick wit and they put on their cranky pants more often. The difference between early Reagan and 1985 Reagan was startling and the same is true of McCain. I’m not saying McCain has Alzheimer’s, just that time has caught up with him and he’s not the man for the job.

Because our media is too scared to bring up what should be one of the most important factors in this election. There are age limits on being an airline pilot and a police officer for a reason. If someone is 72-years-old, they should have to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that they are capable of doing the job. McCain is proving he is not on a daily basis.

But the media doesn’t touch the subject. Why? “Ageism.” Everyone is apparently too scared to upset old people or a specific old person named John McCain, which is insane, because it’s the FUCKING PRESIDENCY. It should and must be discussed. “Upsetting people” is not applicable when an old man is running for president. You don’t get the benefit of the doubt when you are running to be the leader of the most powerful military on Earth. No fucking way. It’s astoundingly stupid not to question his mental abilities.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

John McCain has always been completely full of shit, but over the past decade, many people jumped on the “Straight Talk Express.” He appeared to be a refreshing change from all the other politicians who constantly lied. The big problem with this scenario is that McCain has always been a slimy politician and has never actually changed his ways, only the marketing of his brand. He was forced to do so because in the late 80s, his influence peddling led to American taxpayers bailing out Lincoln Savings and Loan for $2 billion. Sound familiar?

John McCain is exactly what is not needed at this time in our history. As our government attempts to throw $700 billion at more failed private businesses, everyone should understand what McCain did during the Savings and Loan Crisis. To put it simply, Johnny pressured regulators to back off Lincoln Savings, even though it was making risky moves. Eventually, Lincoln was seized, many investors were out their life savings and taxpayers were footing the bill of $2 billion. Lincoln’s owner, Charles Keating was arrested.

Lincoln was the most expensive failure in the national S&L scandal. Taxpayers picked up the bill for the bailout.

Johnny and Keating went way back. They met in 1981 at a Navy League dinner. During McCain’s first run for Congress, Keating pulled in a sweet $11K for Johnny. In 1983, he hosted a $1000 plate dinner for McCain, and in 1986, he brought in a nice $50K for Johnny’s Senate run. By the time 1987 rolled around, Keating had tossed $112,000 to McCain.

And those were just the political contributions. McCain’s family also was doing business and traveling on the Keating credit card.

And it paid off.

McCain and four other Senators, who became known as the Keating Five, even went to meet with San Francisco regulators in an attempt to get them to back off American Continental and Lincoln. In the end, to the great frustration of regulators, the savings was not seized for another two years. During that time, much damage was done.

Of course, these are the pre-maverick years we are talking about. Since then, McCain has changed his ways and become a straight shooter. Or, to put it another way, he re-branded himself as a man who learned from his mistakes and would therefore always approach his duties differently. People bought it, even though it was complete bullshit. The bullshit re-branding was the only way for McCain to survive as a politician. He was the sober alcoholic, the clean drug addict, the asshole who found Jesus. And it worked.

But McCain has never stopped being the slimy politician that he is. Here’s a pick of Johnny meeting with con man Raffaello Follieri, on a yacht in Montenegro two years ago. It was Johnny’s birthday! What better way to spend it than on a boat with a criminal?!

Sweet. That’s some serious straight shooting and mavericking. Oh, and Follieri pleaded guilty to conspiracy to commit wire fraud, eight counts of wire fraud and five counts of money laundering last week.

Alright, you’re saying, that’s just McCain and a foreign con man. Could have happened to anyone, right? Yep. Just the same way campaign manager Rick Davis happened to head up a Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac lobbyist group called Homeownership Alliance.

So, Johnny’s campaign manager WAS the problem. But he’d love you to believe something else.

Right. Standing up to special interests is what McCain is all about. That’s why he was one of the Keating Five and has Davis as his campaign manager. That’s why his campaign is overflowing with lobbyists, 83 to be exact. Naturally, some have connections to Fannie and Freddie Mae.

So, as you can see, McCain is getting far away from those same special interests that lead him down that Keating Five road. But that’s not even the worst of McCain’s connections. No, the worst is Phill Gramm.

Phil Gramm used to be a Senator. In the year 2000, he used a “backroom maneuver to slip into law” a bill that kept credit default swaps unregulated.

Guess how that bill worked out? Yes, he’s one of the main architects of the current financial disaster. Oh, and it also allowed Enron to “run rampant.” Remember Enron? Yeah, that would be Gramm.

He’s a walking disaster of a human being.

But that doesn’t stop the Maverick from looking to Gramm for advice.

After Phil Gramm called Americans “whiners” a couple of months ago during a speech on the economy, he was forced to step down from the McCain campaign. But that does not mean McCain has ruled him out as treasury secretary. Check out McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds on Friday.



Good news. Right now there is one man in America who should not be treasury secretary: Phil Gramm. But McCain can’t rule him out. If you are a conservative and you vote for McCain, turn in your conservative card. You are living a lie.

If McCain is elected president we are completely fucked.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

The United States Department of Homeland Security scares the hell out of me. What is really bad is I am a United States citizen and it scares the hell out of me. It really has to be scary to someone that isn't a citizen of the United States.

Think of this scenario. You fly back into the United States after visiting some friends in Europe. A Homeland Security Officer, specifically a Transportation Security Agent hands you a pair of pliers and tells you to remove your nipple ring.

Congratulations TSA. You're brilliant. Forcing someone to remove a piercing, in a rather personal spot, with pliers kind of does scream that procedures should be changed. If there were any damn procedures in the first place and they aren't just running this security thing by the seat of their pants.

That's old news. Now onto the new news. This is the type of thing where I strongly believe that any government official should have at least a general knowledge of current technology.

Back in April of this year, the Ninth Circuit Court decided that searching laptops without reason is well within the law, and does not violate any Fourth Amendment Rights.

So wait. Now I am confused. The Ninth Circuit says that TSA Agents can search my papers, effects, laptops, iPods, iPhones and other electronic devices without probable cause, but the Fourth Amendment says that they cannot. Unless the probable cause is "Everyone is a Terrorist". Then it kind of makes sense.

Well, at least they have to have reasonable suspicion to check my large intestines, that is comforting.

Don't worry though! Rep. Loretta Sanchez (D-CA) introduced a new bill to help with this! Well, not so much help, but at least you will get a receipt for the expensive piece of electronic equipment that the TSA Agent, who makes just more than minimum wage, is illegally seizing from you.

Basically, what Rep Sanchez is trying to do is bring more accountability to the TSA and Homeland Security. She is trying to create paper trails so we can figure out what they are doing.

So what does all this boil down to? The TSA can illegally (in my opinion) search your laptops, iPods, iPhones and Blackberries. They can also seize these devices if they deem it necessary. Rather than fix this problem, they are trying to pass legislation in order to make the TSA accountable for the electronic devices they are seizing. It seems like legislation we really shouldn't need in the first place.

Here is an idea. Let's not treat every single person that is entering the United States as a potential terrorist. Let's not presume that every single person entering the United States is guilty rather than innocent.

I cannot even begin to imagine what this is doing for business travel in the United States. What practical business person would want to travel to the United States and have their legitimate business files searched and possibly their laptop seized? For that matter, who would want to leisurely travel to the United States and suffer the same outcome? This has to be affecting our business and tourism trade.

What makes this even worse is that most terrorists probably know more technologically than what the TSA or Homeland Security is giving them credit for. It leads me to believe that the TSA Agents are searching for someone who is wearing a shirt that says "I R A TEAROREST!".

I would have to go ahead and assume that most terrorists know there are multiple ways around specifically having information stored to the hard drive of an electronic device. Things like peer-to-peer connections, online repositories and this internet thing, can walk right around security in an airport or at a border. This is the point where technology is an important knowledge to have if you are a public official.

Something needs to be changed. The system we are currently dealing with is greatly flawed. These issues are obviously big reasons not to visit the United States for business or for pleasure. With our economy the way it is now, we shouldn't be doing anything that will prevent money from flowing into our country.

I am tired, as a citizen of the United States, of being afraid to leave the country and return, even though I have done nothing wrong. I don't deserve to have my personal items seized on behalf of National Security.

We need to have officials in charge of things like the Security of the Nation, that are educated in technology so that processes like this can be eliminated or streamlined to make more sense. Accountability of the TSA and Homeland Security is a good idea on paper and in legislation, but in application we are making them accountable for something they shouldn't be doing in the first place.

DevilsReject just chooses not to leave the country anymore and sits in his basement with his 77 ferrets. Alone.

Asshole Fuckface is not just a label. The term can also be used as a verb, such as, “I am going to do some serious Asshole Fuckfacing today.” Since the term became common in the 12th century, many people have used it over the intervening years. Before invading Poland, Hitler is thought to have said, “I’m going to Asshole Fuckface the shit out of Poland.” Ted Bundy used to say he would put on his “Asshole Fuckface mask and go out Asshole Fuckfacing.” Today, I search out those who enjoy Asshole Fuckfacing and I drag them into the light for you to mock and throw soiled items at. This week was particularly shocking, so climb into your favorite plastic box, carve a couple of eyeholes and enjoy the Asshole Fuckface Roundup.

First we go to Chicago, where an Asshole Fuckface teacher opened her pie hole.

An unnamed Chicago teacher was teaching her sixth grade class about the history Mesopotamia, when she decided to explain terrorism. Apparently, in her Asshole Fuckface mind, the best way to do so was to use the only Muslim Arab student in the class as an example.

Good work.

Shocking. Who could have guessed that would happen? The family wants the teacher to be fired, but the school district has just transferred her to another school, hopefully to one with out any horrible 13-year-old terrorists.

Next up, it’s September, so that means Asshole Fuckface Republicans are getting down to business.

Yes, fall is almost upon us. That means the leaves turn yellow and Republicans attempt to remove black people from the voter rolls. In Indiana, they are using voter ID laws, which require voters to show their ID when they vote, to keep all the scary black people from voting.

Republicans claim they are just stopping voter fraud. Of course, there are almost zero incidents of people voting when they aren’t eligible –– I mean, besides Ann Coulter.

In Wisconsin, Republican Asshole Fuckfaces are taking it a step further.

The lists are “riddled with errors.” Remember, disenfranchising voters is more important than non-existent individual voter fraud.

Oh, and the Florida “error” that kicked thousands off voter rolls in 2000 is still going strong.

I don't know how this could go wrong.

Next up, a prosecutorial Asshole Fuckfacery.

Natalie Walters occasionally takes her father to the Boise VA Medical Center. When she is there, she fills up her own mug with soda and usually pays $1 or $1.50. But a couple of weeks ago, the cashier told her she owed $3.80.

So, Walters said she didn’t want to pay for it and therefore, didn’t want the soda. This is when the story gets awesome. The manager told her the soda was already in the cup, so she would have to pay for it. Walters said, “no.” Then she became angry and poured the soda on the counter.

Okay, not cool. But sometimes people lose their heads and shit happens. Usually a stern talking to is in order, followed by an apology, right? Fuck no. She fucked with the Boise VA hospital cafeteria. She’s got to pay.

Yeah, stick it to her. After all, that counter was really sticky and whatnot. Thank God there are some Asshole Fuckfaces, like US Attorney Tom Moss, to take care of horrible criminals, like Walters. We are safe because of men like him.

And finally, the amazing Asshole Fuckfacery of John McCain.

John McCain is a tremendous Asshole Fuckface and he proves it nearly everyday of this election campaign. After the government bailouts of so many private companies, the Old Man and his team realized they needed to tie Obama to the crisis. Oh, and there was another black guy out there.



Whoa! Holy shit! That other black guy is bad! And did you see that poor white lady at the end? She would have a great life if it wasn’t for those two black guys! And please don’t pay attention to the fact that the new bad black guy isn’t and never has been an Obama adviser.

And that is something the McCain camp knew days BEFORE making this ad.

Really? Too bad the Washington Post doesn’t agree.

That’s newspaper talk for “liar.” So, what McCain has done is create an ad linking a guy to Obama who has little to do with Obama and is black. Oh, and they threw in a poor, white lady at the end. The ad has obvious racial undertones and if you don’t think so, then you are a fucking moron.

Obama does have close much closer and more damaging ties to a former Fannie Mae CEO, but that guy was white, so they went with the Raines ad first. After the Post called McCain a liar, he rolled one out with the white guy. What a complete and total Asshole Fuckface.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

This one means quite a bit to me, personally. Ever since L.B.J., my home state of Nebraska has been staunchly Republican, giving our 5 little electoral votes to whatever clown happens to have an (R) by his name. But Nebraska is one of two places (the other being Maine) that has a funny little hitch to its voting: we can split our electorals 4-1. And Obama is trying to do just that

Now, here comes the fun part: Nebraska is far more diverse than is commonly known. Our two current Senators (Hagel and Nelson) are known as being the furthest from their respective parties in respect to following the party line. Plus, we've had some of the most interesting politicians come from here. Ever heard of Bob Kerry? He was known for being very liberal, particularly since he was both Governor and Senator of a "conservative state."

We're also the home of Ernie Chambers, a barber who spent 35 years kicking conservative ass in the state senate chambers. He'd still be there, but a new term-limits bill (specifically set up to get rid of him) forced him out of office. But I digress.

Why should this be important? For one thing, it forces McCain to spend money and campaign in places that should almost automatically be his for the taking. Not just annoying for him, but it divides his attention from key states. But that is a minor issue.

To me, this is a sign that Obama is taking ALL supporters seriously. He is giving people who have been largely ignored a chance to raise their voices. It is showing a disheartened group that we can count.

And that right there is the sign of a good leader.

Coyotemike will say "BOO-YAH!!!" if Obama wins by Nebraska's one electoral split vote.

Hilary once appeared to be the perfect candidate for feminist voters –– intelligent, determined, and dedicated in her pursuit of valiant social causes like children's welfare and women's equality. Hilary was also the first first lady in American history to have a postgraduate degree and a full-time career.

She didn't manage it. Twice! Ouch. Obama picked Biden. So what about the new girl? Perhaps it would be sexist to view Palin as a Hilary replacement, but we can't help but wonder if the force that would invigorate the McCain vote was chosen for just that reason.

No one can accuse Palin of spending too much time baking. Her power-hungry appetite would be better satiated by abusing her position and firing anyone who gets in her way. Anne Kilkenny, Wasilla resident, tells it like it is.

This is hardly a one-off case. Sarah seems to have a history of ruthlessness, whilst playing on her gender for sympathy. Too bad she tried to replace her victim with someone even worse.

Her staunch pro-life stance, even in the case of rape, would suggest that she doesn't seem to be interested in assuring women can make their own choices

She's chosen to be a working mother but she would deny other women the right to make their own decisions, and has even used her own underage, pregnant daughter as a political pawn for her own views. She even lied about it. She wants to abstinence-only sex education taught in schools. Because that worked out so well for her own family.

She knows how to spend! (... other peoples' money.) She served two terms as mayor of Wasilla (1996-2002) and left the city with a debt of over $22 million, having increased general government expenditure by over 33%. I've heard she has the decorating skills and moral fibre reminiscent of a young Martha Stewart...

Easy on the gold leaf, Sarah. Damn, that's expensive wallpaper!

So far, she doesn't seem like much of a feminist. But look at it another way. Hunting hardly seems the kind of activity befitting a dull stay-at-home Stepford wife. She used the tools handed her to get what she wanted out of life –– an education. Sometimes a girl gotta hustle.

For some reason, she spent 5 years in 4 schools getting her degree. Perhaps it took her that many schools to find people she could threaten. Or put her beauty-pageant skills to work on.

And lastly, HERE's a video of Sarah and Hilary (sort of) standing side by side on Saturday Night Live, calling for an end to political sexism. Kinda.

What about some canadian politics? An election is coming this autumn, which means the next month will be crucial to the history of North America.

There in Canada (your servant having fled to California) we have five major parties, two likely to hold the power, three to make sure the Neo-Conervatives get a better position. (I say Neo- because thay are the New Conservative Party, as opposed to my good old Progressist-Conservatives - I miss you, Joe Clark! - who got absorbed by the ultraconservative Canadian Alliance a few years ago to form the New Con. Party)

Let me break things down, starting with the parliament as given by last general election (Jan. 2006):

The Neo-Conservatives, ruling like kings in a minority government with one third of public approval, taking advantage of the opposition's division. They are basically a calque of Bush's republicans, no exageration. They manage their party like a business and are rich as fuck. They don't mind what electors vote for, they just want their vote. So they simply don't talk politics in their campaign, they just try to destroy with anti-intellectualist propaganda. Their lone potential serious opponent is poor Stéphane Dion, whom I'm starting to like for that precise reason. One of their withdrawn publicities showed a bird shitting on Dion's shoulder. You get the intellectual level. They also print their logo on Nascar cars.

This intellectual Dion (as opposed to our very down-to-earth Céline) was elected chief of the Liberal Party (remember, american friends, that they are not your "liberals" but a centrist party that goes from left to right depending on their chiefs -- I still don't know where that Dion is) two years ago, to the puzzelment of Quebecers. Why? Because they hate him. Yes, most Quebecers hate him, even federalists, for his anti-nationalist actions (based on blind intellectual principles dear to the Liberals, like the funny idea that Canada is a bilingual country, so that each of it's citizens should be bilingual and ablle switch from English to French and vice-versa anytime in a conversation -- skeptic? Click HERE. His English is the laughing stock of the ROC (a journalist's expression = Rest Of Canada = not Quebec...), not for it's incorectness, but for it's synthetic character and nerdy accent. Dion's campaign -- some dirty tongues say it's not the Liberals' but lonely Dion's -- is based on the Green Shift, a 15 billion $ tax on carbon packaged with an equivalent tax cut. An easy prey to the Conservatives' demagogy which relies on simplification: "Dion wants to tax you more, you average tax payer -- vote for us, we are pious and virtuous and don't try to confuse you with complex theories." The problem is that the Liberals signed the Kyoto protocol (which obviously was rejected by the conservatives) and poor Stéphane was Minister of Environment when his party did nothing (I really mean nothing) to make it work. Again, piece of cake for the Conservatives: "You did nothing, so why should we do anything." Canadians seem to agree.

OK, the NDP (New Democratic Party). Well. During the whole history of the party they oscillated between 10 and 20% of the popular vote and it never changed. They are, and have always been, green leftists. Their chief Jack Layton has the sympathy of everyone, but people just don't vote for him. Quebec's nationalists say the NDP is too centralizing (which means in our jargon that they want to give too much power to the federal government against the provinces), but this is probably too complex an issue for the average elector. Their main achievement dates from 1971 when they formed a coalition government with Trudeau's Liberals and are responsible for the universal health insurance in Canada (based on the one developped by Quebec years before). Recently they finally got a deputy elected in Montreal.

Now the Bloc Québécois. They're a separatist party in Ottawa. They claim around 40% of popular vote in Quebec (of course they don't have candidates elsewhere in Canada), which gives them some 10% on the federal scale. Now that the Parti Québécois, the provincial separatist party, decided not to talk about separation for at least five years (oh dear, I just can't wait for the next provincial election!), one wonders what they're doing, since their prime mission in the early 1990s was to negotiate the separation in Ottawa. Now they say they defend Quebec's interests and try to convince everyone to vote for them. The fact is that they became, like a right-wing separatist group, a clone of the socialist NDP -- their chief, Gilles Duceppe, used to be a Trotskist, or so I heard... The problem is that this party used to be formed from a coalition of left-and-mostly-right-wing nationalist federal deputies pissed because of the failure of the Meech Accor (no, I won't get into the pathetic story of the Canadian constitution). Oh, and they too are green.

Finally the Green Party. They're green, that is all. 7% of popular vote. I ask more from a political party than being green. Their chief Elizabeth May may now go to the debate and just be useful to Harper by destroying the Liberals. Oh, she's a woman, things are gonna change at the chief's debate. Yeah, and Sarah Palin is a feminist, for sure.

I've been using percentages since the beginning, but this is pointless in our totally obsolete political system of regional representation which brings us back to medieval (and actual) England, without counting the symbolic authority of the Queen of England. In this system, each district is separate; in each district the candidate who gets the most votes wins, absolute majority or not. It has been calculated that more than 60% of deputies in Quebec had been elected with less than an absolute majority, which means that the majority rejected them. The party that wins most districts is given government. If it has a majority of seats, it does whatever he wants for four or five years. Since the Neo-Conservatives are alone on the right wing (though Harper laughably now styles himself as a center-right politician) against a bunch of more-or-less leftist parties who just immaturely devour each other, with 35-40% of popular votes they can have a majority of seats (the Liberals did it with 40% for 12 years, three elections). Necessarily, those who don't want the Conservatives to win -- that is, 65% of the population -- have to vote strategically. But this won't happen with the help of the other parties because no one is ready to make alliances.

I obviously won't vote Neo-Conservative. Even as a Quebecer I won't vote for the Bloc, for they are pointless -- and I'm a separatist. NDP? Just like voting for Ralph Nader in 2001. Green, never: I don't vote for an activist group, I vote for a party with a global project. Liberals have gained my sympathy recently, only because the conservatives have been dishonest with them and I must admit I do like their tax on carbon thing. But they're the Liberals, and as a nationalist, historical reasons forbid me to do so. The big question is wether I'm mature enough to vote for the project proposed, not the desire for revenge.

Probably it will depend on which district I am registered in as a foreign resident. Imagine how impotent non-ultraconservative Canadian voters feel right now. I'm waiting for advices.

Did you think the presidential campaign had gotten ugly? Well, you were wrong. Forget McCain’s lie laced ads claiming Obama wants to teach kindergartners how to screw and accusing Obama of calling Sarah Palin a pig, the Swiftboaters are preparing their airwave assault and it will be beyond ugly.

We got a hint of the future during the Republican National Convention, when GOP hatchet man Roger Stone explained to TPM what he was going to do.



Roger Stone was one of the men responsible for the famous Willie Horton ad during the 1992 presidential campaign. And when he attacks, he attacks with everything.

So, that will be exciting. And he’s not alone. The Swiftboaters are back, this time with a brand new name, The American Issues Project. They’ve gathered a few million dollars and are now finishing up their ads. Very soon they will begin hitting the airwaves.

Here’s an example of their “issues and express advocacy.”



Man, if that isn't an important issue, I don't know what is. Especially for those Americans who are incredibly stupid.

Unfortunately for Democrats, they don’t have anyone ready to respond, because Obama foolishly asked the left’s 527 groups to step down after he won the nomination. He also told funders not to give money to groups like VoteVets, Planned Parenthood and MoveOn.org. But just a week ago, Obama realized what a tremendous mistake he had made and asked the 527s to get going again. With only 6 weeks to go, that is just stupid.

But some Democratic groups claim they are ready, like MoveOn.org.

I’ll believe it when I see it. So far, the Democratic groups are flailing.

A tidal wave of stupidity and hate is coming Obama’s way and the left does not seem to be prepared. The Obama campaign did fight the first American Issues Project with a coordinated campaign, putting pressure on station owners not to air the ad and fighting the group in court. But how long with that work? Small television stations make much of their money during political campaigns. That’s just too much money to pass on.

And we are within 60 days of the election, which is apparently the best time for evil.

The forces of darkness been gearing up for the last 60 campaign days for months now, with the help of some classic douchebags.

Has Obama ever dated a white woman? You’re about to find out.

This political ad is airing in Ohio, and I am assuming that it is also airing in other parts of the Nation also:



It is an ad for Barrack Obama, and the first section of it says:

At first when I saw this ad, I will admittedly tell you that I was kind of offended by it. So what if John McCain doesn't know how to use a computer or send an e-mail? So what if he can't surf YouTube for the latest display of pre-pubescent girls dressed whore-like and dancing for a grainy phone-cam? What's the big deal? This just seems like a dig at the man's age.

Then, when I was bored, and slumming while reading Fox News at their website I ran across this article about the Russian President

The Russian President, Dmitry Medvedev kind of made sense to me with this statement:

A paper trail! Brilliant! You know how fast we could move George Bush from the White House to the Big House if we had some idea of his communications?

Medvedev also said:

This means that our current Republican Candidate isn't qualified to work as a secretary for the Russian Government. What does this say about his qualifications as our President?

Iraqi people are using the internet, this also means that certain ethnic-terrorists are also using the internet.

This scared me.

The Russian President is extremely computer literate, as are residents of a third world country. If McCain gets elected, the Russian President will have more knowledge than him. He will be using the internet, sending e-mails and other such things while John McCain doesn't even know how to spark up an old Apple IIe to play Oregon-Trail.

As a Commander-in-Chief he should be more educated than the people he is fighting. Outsmarting your enemy is half the battle, and at this point, I personally don't think John McCain can do that.

The statement about him not being able to use a computer, that a lot of John McCain followers are simply saying is a shot at his age, really has more validity than they think.

We live in a day and age where just about everything can be done via the internet. Including potentially penetrating national security.

This theoretical conversation popped into my head:

The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. While e-mail and internet usage may not be high requirements on the President's resume, a general knowledge of new technology should be.

We are in an age in which we vote on the internet.

If John McCain doesn't have the knowledge to use something as simple as a personal computer, how is this man, who is going to be in control of our nation ever going to grasp the technological advances and descriptions of what is going on in the world?

How do you explain to a man who doesn't understand the internet or email, that a person in a third world country sent and enacted a supervirus that is shutting down our entire infrastructure?

Everything is computer controlled. Major city traffic divisions have moved to computer controlled stop-lights, trucking has moved to computer tracked cargo and logs, all our military jets, ships and other vehicles are computer controlled and tracked through the Defense Network. Your car, it has a computer in it!

What else doesn't he understand besides just the personal computer? Does he not understand the threat of a well placed EMP?

While superviruses and EMP's are a far-fetched, theoretical situation and really do tend to show the conspiracy-theory side of my personality, the fact that the Republican candidate is out of touch with technology is not far-fetched, it is a fact.

The internet also gives the President the ability to keep in touch with how and what his constituents are saying and what they are doing. Blogging has become an extremely fast and efficient way for the public to communicate with each other, and share ideas or disagreements. John McCain is basically showing an utter lack of caring about being in touch with the nation.

So yes. I was initially offended by the ad, and did sincerely think the Obama campaign was simply making a dig at McCain about his age. After putting some rational thought into it I have come to the conclusion that yes, it is important that the president of the United States knows how to use a computer.

Devilsreject actually has a working and operational Apple IIe that he does use to play Oregon Trail.

Hello, fellow Asshole Fuckface hater. This week we have a smörgåsbord of Asshole Fuckfaces. For centuries my people have been scouring the Earth, looking for the filthiest humans out there. In the old days, upon finding such creatures, my ancestors would brand AFF on their forehead. Sometimes I still do, if I can just hold them down. For you, I drag them into the light, so that you may mock them for the disgusting creatures they are. This week is nauseating, as usual. So, put on your favorite velvet curtain, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some Israeli Asshole Fuckfacery.

American dancer Abdur-Rahim Jackson has been dancing with the Alvin Ailey dance troupe for eight years. The troupe is on a six-nation tour to celebrate the company’s 50th anniversary. First stop: Israel.

Yes, please explain this “Jackson” nonsense. And, why are you black? At one point Jackson was actually told that he should change his name. Oh, but they weren’t done yet.

Dance, black man, dance. That’s some crack security. Oh, but they weren’t done yet.

Holy fucking shit. What a bunch of Asshole Fuckfaces. Jackson is not religious and is engaged to a Jewish woman. He has accepted numerous apologies from “American dignitaries and his Israeli hosts.” No action was taken against the security officers.

Next up, more Republican racist Asshole Fuckfacing.

Apparently we can’t go a week without some southern Republican politician using racist language. This week it was Congressional candidate Rick Goddard calling an MSNBC reporter “Uppity.” Guess what the reporter’s ethnic background is?

Check out the “Uppity” reporter.



God damn job doer. It's like you think you can just ask white men questions, without being lynched.

The Goddard campaign responded to charges of racism.

Cool, I’ll be ludicrous and you be racist. Totally works for me. You Asshole Fuckface.

Next up, some horrible Asshole Fuckface parenting.

Dannette R. Gillespie of Pasadena, Texas is a shit stain of a mother. Last week, bar owner Eugene Palma was stabbed “several times” in his driveway during a botched robbery. He later died of his wounds. Police used a palm print to identify the stabbers. They were a gang, made up of two teenage girls and a mother.

Hey Asshole Fuckface, I probably would have done that somewhere other than Texas. Welcome to the world of dead, Dannette. And one hell of a parenting job. We always need more monsters.

Finally, some hospital Asshole Fuckfacery.

Claudia Mejia went into Orlando Regional South Seminole Hospital to give birth, but things did not go as planned. She did give birth to baby, but she also woke up without any arms or legs. She had arms and legs when she walked into the hospital. She knows that because she walked into the hospital.

She was kept in the hospital for 12 days after giving birth with “complications,” then transferred to Orlando Regional Medical Center, where her arms and legs were cut off. She was later told she was infected with a flesh eating bacteria and toxic shock syndrome. That was all the info she was given.

After asking for a more detailed explanation for her lack of limbs, the Asshole Fuckfaces at the hospital told her to go fuck herself.

Um, does Dick Cheney run this hospital?

Claudia’s lawyer says that the Florida "The Patients Right To Know About Adverse Medical Incidents Act" states the hospital must turn over all information. But the hospital says that because of the act, they can’t turn over the information.

Classic Asshole Fuckfacery.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You will each recieve a brand new FearTheReaper cat bed!

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

It's going to be interesting to see how this plays out. The YouTube video that Open Left posted on their site (see above) has already been taken down once today.

It seems John McCain may have used his connections to cover up his wife Cindy's prescription drug abuse (something she later admitted to). Open Left's source, Tom Gosinski, worked with Cindy at her charity, American Voluntary Medical Team. He claims that while she was funneling drugs to those in need, Cindy was also securing her own fix, by getting prescriptions written in other people's names, including Gosinski's.

But that's not the end of the story –– it's just the beginning. Open Left reports that:

A recent brush with cancer gave Gosinski the courage to start talking. Aside from the Open Left video, Gosinski's tale has also found its way into the Phoenix New Times, which printed excerpts from his diary.

Haven't we had enough of commander-in-chiefs who think they're above the law? But then, like those who watch bad sitcoms on TV, some people just want more of the same. I guess those are the people that are voting for McCain.

The Republicans nearly had a circle jerk last week over the fact that McCain was a POW. They managed to avoid topics like heath care, the economy, Iraq and the environment, but really drove home the fact that the Vietcong held McCain prisoner some 40 years ago. Here’s the problem with that little gem of a fact: It has quite possibly turned McCain into a man unfit to lead.

Ever heard of PTSD? Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal.

In McCain’s case, he has survived three plane crashes and more than five years as a POW, enduring torture and solitary confinement. During the North Vietnam incident, he was ejected from his plane, broke his right knee, both arms, was attacked by a crowd of villagers, bayoneted in the ankle and groin, and held in solitary confinement for two consecutive years. During captivity he had his arm, teeth and ribs broken. He was left lying in a pool of his own blood, shit and urine, and attempted to kill himself twice, but was stopped both times by guards. While it’s amazing he survived, this these incidents appear to have made him mentally unstable.

We have no idea if McCain has PTSD, mainly because the diagnoses was not introduced until 1980, when it appeared in the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Reporters were allowed to look at McCain’s full medical records in 1999, which revealed he did undergo psychological tests over the years.

Okay, so military doctors say he’s okey-dokey. Forgive me for not believing what the military says, it’s just that the military has a long history of lying and doing everything they can not to undermine their “heroes.” They also have a history of under diagnosing PTSD, because it's very costly to treat. McCain’s behavior certainly can lead to a conclusion – or at the very least, a concern regarding his ability to hold the highest office in our country. McCain has uncontrollable explosions of anger. He still has an “adverse reaction” to the sound of jangling keys.

The above physician comment was gathered from McCain’s release of medical records in 1999. Things went a little differently this summer during his ‘medical records release.’

Totally not hiding anything. There were 1,173 pages of documents. Over a three-hour period, that’s approximately 10 seconds per page, for “select members of the media.” The New York Times and Los Angeles Times didn’t make the cut. And the “medical records” did not include...

1) Psychological records.
2) Brain Scans OR CRT scans. (Used for diagnosing Alzheimer’s)
3) Cardio-logical test results.

Who would want any of that information on a 72-year-old running for president? Apparently not the media, because they dropped any further investigation. The older you are, the more your health records are relevant if you are seeking the presidency. But with McCain, his campaign has decided the opposite is true and the media has gone along with it.

So, what do we know about McCain’s mental health? Well, we know he takes Ambien for insomnia - a common symptom of PTSD. The possible side effects of Ambien are really great.

* Hallucinations, through all physical senses, of varying intensity
* Delusions
* Altered thought patterns
* Ataxia or poor motor coordination, difficulty maintaining balance
* Euphoria and/or dysphoria
* Decreased libido (sorry Cindy)
* Amnesia
* Impaired judgment and reasoning
* Uninhibited extroversion in social or interpersonal settings
* Increased impulsivity

Those all sound like they’d be perfect for our next president. We also know McCain is possibly the most angry man in Congress. Let’s start with what his fellow Republicans have to say:

By the way, in 1995, Thurmond was 92 years old. McCain was 59. Doesn't that paint a pretty picture? And there's more...

And those are his fellow Republicans. The Democrats, obviously, have their own stories.

So, is it PTSD? Or has this always been his way? His nickname in high school was McNasty, so it could be that he has always been a dick. Either way, it doesn’t matter. The man is clearly unfit to be president. He’s a complete and total lunatic. How do you think diplomacy will go? Do you think it will be weird when McCain gets into a fistfight with the Prime Minister of Britain? Yes, Republicans actually found someone worse than Bush.

Jingle those key chains, Democrats and see what happens.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

He's a lumberjack and it's OK,
Seems anyone can run for office – as long as they're not gay!

If you think the election's not quite silly enough yet, sign up and show your support for Michael Palin's presidential candidacy, and get a free fuzzy thing.

Few of us were fortunate enough to escape the bizarre ape-shittery that was the Republican uproar over Barack Obama's former minister's comments regarding America. Even if Obama has distanced himself from the Reverend Wright, conservatives said, how could he have ever attended his church to begin with if he didn't share those beliefs?

Well Republicans, prepare to be tongue-tied with all your backpedaling. It seems that anti-female female Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin's former pastor (whose name is actually Tim McGraw) has some interesting views of his own.

Among them:

Okay, nothing too out of the ordinary there. Oh, wait, there's more from another one of her former preachers:

Couldn't God have chosen a warmer climate? Say, Hawaii?

Oh yeah, the church also talks in tongues:

Well... hey, at least she's multi-lingual! All right, but still, she left that church in 2002...

Maybe it's just me, but the God I believe in sure as hell wouldn't have fucked up in Iraq this badly. And, to be fair, the church she joined in 2002 isn't exactly an improvement.

So, just for the record, this is the storyline: Obama believes what his reverend (whom he has disavowed) said, but Palin doesn't believe what her current pastor says. Stick to the script, you sinful bastards, and we'll be fine.

John McCain and his followers are stroking themselves daily because “he was right” about the surge. See, according to the right wing distorters, the surge worked. All is well. Victory is at hand. Because of John McCain, the insurgents are on the run and beaten down. It is, quite simply, a load of bullshit. Much like they changed their reasons for invading Iraq after the invasion, they have changed the reasons for the surge.

At this point, even Barack Obama is jumping on board and claiming the surge has been successful. He has to, because the situation is too complex for sound bites – and that’s how the Republicans win, with sound bites. Last week, Obama went on The O’Reilly Factor and went face to face with the loudest, simplest man in America. Unable to have a complex argument with a man full of overbearing nonsense, Obama had to break it down into terms a 3-year-old could understand.

Obama got a bit of the truth in there. The Anbar Awakening is a large factor in the drop in violence because we are paying them, our past enemies, $30 million a month to not attack US troops. It’s as simple as that. And it’s a policy without a future. It is the definition of a temporary and stupid policy. Pure politics, with the fate of thousands, possibly millions at risk.

Obama also mentioned that there have been no political advancements – which was the entire point of the surge. But that’s not what people wrote about, or focused on. Nope. Obama said the surge “succeeded.” Great news for simpletons. The guys who used to kill us are being paid not to kill us, but you’re supposed to believe the surge worked.

In fact, Iraq is now in a more perilous situation than ever, because no political solution has been reached. The Anbar Awakening has succeeded in stopping the killing – for now. What we actually have done is given the Sunnis millions of dollars, which they have spent on weapons in preparation for the coming battle. And now, the Iraqi government is going to start cracking down on The Awakening. How do you think that is going to go?

The Bush Administration has been pressuring the Maliki government to integrate the Sunnis into the Iraqi security forces, but Maliki will not. But it goes beyond that. They are just waiting to kill each other.

There are 100,000 members of the Awakening and the Saudis, who have a bit of money laying around, also financially back them. Good luck getting rid of that “cancer.” But don’t forget, the surge worked!

Here’s a question: Whom does the US support if this becomes a full-blown civil war? The Awakening, which it has cultivated, or the Iraqi government, which it has cultivated? We are supporting both sides. If we support Maliki, the Awakening will start killing our soldiers – who they have come to understand very well during this period of cooperation.

And let’s not forget about the Sadr militia. Remember several months ago, when Iraq suddenly started to boil again? Fighting was occurring in Baghdad and Basra? Well, that was Muqtada al-Sadr and after he agreed to a cease-fire, the surge suddenly worked again.

At this point, the Sadrists are reorganizing and preparing for the inevitable battle against both the Awakening and Maliki’s government. Oh, and the US.

Can it be worse? Oh, fuck yes. Now the Iraqi government is facing off with the Kurds.

Here’s the deal. The Kurds, the Sunnis and the Sadrists are more than willing to wait until the US leaves. Right now, it is in their best interest to wait it out. The opposite is true for Maliki. He needs US forces to do his dirty work and he expects us to get involved when the fighting starts. That’s why he is stirring up shit with every group in Iraq. He already failed in his battle with Sadr, so he is turning his attention to the Sunnis and the Kurds.

McCain would like you to believe the surge has been wildly successful, even though he also predicted it would fail.

What up, hedge better? McCain backed the surge but also claimed if the guy who was obviously going to be approved as Army Chief as Staff was approved, it would be a failure. But, hey, he predicted that the Maliki government wouldn’t be strong enough – and it hasn’t been. It’s been a dismal failure. Yet, McCain also has recently claimed the surge allowed Awakening to work. That is, quite simply, a lie. The Awakening began long before the surge began.

I guess the surge would have allowed for the Awakening to take root, if it weren’t for recorded history. But we have newspapers and stuff, so we can say for sure he is a lying sack of shit. Even General Pateaus agrees.

The Surge is a massive failure. Sure, it stopped the violence now, but no political progress was made – and that was the objective. No agreements between these opposing factions were made. They are only waiting it out, gathering weapons and getting training. Preparing for the big battle. The only question is whether or not we stick around and get stuck in a long, long civil war. And it looks more and more like we’ll be sticking around.

Get ready for a draft, kiddies.

Too bad Americans are so stupid or else Obama might be able to explain this, instead of having to agree that the surge has been successful.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

The 14 October federal election has only been announced for one day, but incidents of flying insults, accusations, and uses of the word "illegal" have already quadrupled. The Conservatives are worried. To their credit, they're recognized that they should be -- Prime Minister Stephen Harper began his election campaign with a sign saying "Yes, I'm breaking my own law, but let's not talk about that, so look what a great family man I am!"

If you're not sure of the details, here's how it went down. In May 2006, Harper passed his law establishing a fixed election date in Canada, set for October 2009. On Sunday, after weeks of Canadians wondering when he'd get around to it, Harper formally asked the Governor General to dissolve Parliament and call an election. In other words, he broke his own law. But because Canada is part of the Commonweatlh of Nations, we are subjects of Queen Elizabeth II (in formal tradition-keeping only), and Her Majesty's Canadian representative -- the Governor General -- did as Harper asked.

In the simplest terms? Harper used the Queen of England as a loophole to become, in a sense, "above the law."

With every federal election in Canada comes the much-loved Leaders' Catfight -- oops, I mean Debate. Until now, this debate has been closed to the Green Party and leader Elizabeth May, as the other four party leaders formed a pack mentality advocating the belief that since the Greens had no elected MP, they didn't belong in the Leaders' Debate. Nope, being a Leader is not enough, because the debate is really secretly called the We're Elected And You're Not Nah-Nah Debate. (It's just too damn long to say all the time, so they shortened it to "Leaders" upon reviewing the effectiveness of the schoolyard chants.)

The Green Party is entering this election with one Member of Parliament, thus meeting all requirements for the Leaders' Deabte. And yet they're still shut out. Three of the other four major parties have ganged up to show an impressive amount of schoolyard strategy, refusing to show up for the debate if Elizabeth May is allowed to participate.

Logic doesn't apply here. Other party leaders are terrified of May, a woman -- and a party -- they used to dismiss as "single-issue" and treat as the (so perceived by them) annoying little sister who always wants to play. While the older parties were busying ignoring, Elizabeth May quietly built strong foundations and a reputation as "Canada's Obama" in oration.

May doesn't use a teleprompter. She doesn't use cue cards. She just speaks, and everybody listens. I guess the new motto of the Canadian government old boys' club is, "If you can't beat 'em, mistreat 'em."

This week was an avalanche of Asshole Fuckfacery and I’m glad you survived. I know you survived because you are reading this. That’s how alive works. The Republican Convention was like an Asshole Fuckface explosion and we should just all be thankful a hellmouth did not open in Minnesota. After seeing all the attention given to the governor from Alaska, we at the Roundup have decided never to utter her name again. Henceforth, the governor will be called by her proper name, The Female George Bush. Never has so much Asshole Fuckfacery been squeezed into one human being. The Asshole Fuckface Roundup sees a very evil future for The Female George Bush and expects her to make many appearances in the Roundup, so for now she will be ignored. But there are many other Asshole Fuckfaces slithering around the Earth and I have selected the worst of the worst for you to gawk at. So, put on your favorite plastic horse blanket because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some genuine pathetic Asshole Fuckfacery from Hollywood.

There was a time when David Zucker made good movies, like Airplane. That time was known as the 80s. Now David is an old Asshole Fuckface who wouldn’t know funny if was jammed into his head with an ice pick. Oh, and Zucker is conservative. And he has decided to make a conservative comedy movie. Plug up your asshole, because this could actually cause you to involuntarily release.



“Island paradise Cuba.” Get it! It’s communist, which is NOT paradisey. At all. Because it’s COMMUNIST. Get it?

“I love America, that’s why it needs to be destroyed.” Ha ha ha. You know why that’s funny? Because there is not a hint of satire, wit, a twist or irony, it’s just exactly what the right wing thinks of him. Get it? It’s kind of how a 4th grader would write comedy. Just go look at You Tube and you’ll see some similar stuff made by grammar school kids.

Moore is going to “abolish July 4th!” Weeeeeeeeeeee.

Here’s the thing about comedy. Funny first, point second. Not point first, second, third, forth and fifth, then comedy sixth.

Oh, and the more hitting, falling down and slapping the better the comedy. We all learned that from Dane Cook’s comedy masterpiece Good Luck Chuck.

Next up, some Pakistani Asshole Fuckfacery.

If you have a vagina, I hope you are not born in the remote Pakistani village of Baba Kot. Turns out some teenage girls in the village decided they wanted to choose their own husbands. Can you image? The gall, thinking they are human beings.

The local Asshole Fuckfaces took care of the teenagers.

That pretty much defines the term “overkill.” Can it get worse? Hell yes, it’s Pakistan!

Um. Burying teenage girls alive is sort of an immoral act. Just a tip, you disturbing, backwards Asshole Fuckface.

A “big fuss?” Would it be a “big fuss” to cut off your cock and shove it in your mouth? Because that is how I would like to shut you up.

Next up, our own religious lunatic Asshole Fuckfaces have come up with a plan for the next president.

All across the Christian blogosphere, people are thrilled that the Female George Bush is the Republican nominee. But they still don’t like John McCain, so what to do? How about pray for him to win and then die? That’s what crazy anti-abortionist John Rogers is saying.

“To imprecate” means to invoke evil upon, or curse. Before Rogers’ blog started to get attention, he actually said, “Pray for McCain’s death.” He has since changed it to “imprecatory prayers.” Here are some imprecator Psalms from the bible.

I guess any of those will do for McCain. Then there’s this guy and his photoshopping skills.



Heyooooooo! That’s some SERIOUS Asshole Fuckfacery.

Well, it’s a solid idea. Hope that works out for you, and good luck with your future challenges.

The Lord has provided you with many temptations, Asshole Fuckface. And he attempted to provide everyone else with those temptations.

Obviously, he’s got a good head on his shoulders. I fell for a lie of false erections 7 times last week.

Next up, Fox News Asshole Fuckfacery.



No, actually, not a coincidence.

The definition you are looking for is this:

Finally, some good old fashioned southern Asshole Fuckfacing.

Republican Congressman Lynn Westmoreland has just about had it with Barack Obama trying to act like he's equal to white people.

At that point the reporter he was talking to gave him the opportunity to clear up his horrible, racist comment. And he passed.

Then a day went by and the AP asked Westmoreland what the fuck was up with the “uppity” comment?

Yeah, obviously. What white guy from the Georgia would know “uppity” was an offensive comment? What a complete and total Asshole Fuckface. Georgia probably invented the word “uppity.” Westmoreland isn’t exactly on the side of African Americans, either.

How's your hood?

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You will each recieve a brand new FearTheReaper saddle!

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

This week was an avalanche of Asshole Fuckfacery and I’m glad you survived. I know you survived because you are reading this. That’s how alive works. The Republican Convention was like an Asshole Fuckface explosion and we should just all be thankful a hellmouth did not open in Minnesota. After seeing all the attention given to the governor from Alaska, we at the Roundup have decided never to utter her name again. Henceforth, the governor will be called by her proper name, The Female George Bush. Never has so much Asshole Fuckfacery been squeezed into one human being. The Asshole Fuckface Roundup sees a very evil future for The Female George Bush and expects her to make many appearances in the Roundup, so for now she will be ignored. But there are many other Asshole Fuckfaces slithering around the Earth and I have selected the worst of the worst for you to gawk at. So, put on your favorite plastic horse blanket because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some genuine pathetic Asshole Fuckfacery from Hollywood.

There was a time when David Zucker made good movies, like Airplane. That time was known as the 80s. Now David is an old Asshole Fuckface who wouldn’t know funny if was jammed into his head with an ice pick. Oh, and Zucker is conservative. And he has decided to make a conservative comedy movie. Plug up your asshole, because this could actually cause you to involuntarily release.



“Island paradise Cuba.” Get it! It’s communist, which is NOT paradisey. At all. Because it’s COMMUNIST. Get it?

“I love America, that’s why it needs to be destroyed.” Ha ha ha. You know why that’s funny? Because there is not a hint of satire, wit, a twist or irony, it’s just exactly what the right wing thinks of him. Get it? It’s kind of how a 4th grader would write comedy. Just go look at You Tube and you’ll see some similar stuff made by grammar school kids.

Moore is going to “abolish July 4th!” Weeeeeeeeeeee.

Here’s the thing about comedy. Funny first, point second. Not point first, second, third, forth and fifth, then comedy sixth.

Oh, and the more hitting, falling down and slapping the better the comedy. We all learned that from Dane Cook’s comedy masterpiece Good Luck Chuck.

Next up, some Pakistani Asshole Fuckfacery.

If you have a vagina, I hope you are not born in the remote Pakistani village of Baba Kot. Turns out some teenage girls in the village decided they wanted to choose their own husbands. Can you image? The gall, thinking they are human beings.

The local Asshole Fuckfaces took care of the teenagers.

That pretty much defines the term “overkill.” Can it get worse? Hell yes, it’s Pakistan!

Um. Burying teenage girls alive is sort of an immoral act. Just a tip, you disturbing, backwards Asshole Fuckface.

A “big fuss?” Would it be a “big fuss” to cut off your cock and shove it in your mouth? Because that is how I would like to shut you up.

Next up, our own religious lunatic Asshole Fuckfaces have come up with a plan for the next president.

All across the Christian blogosphere, people are thrilled that the Female George Bush is the Republican nominee. But they still don’t like John McCain, so what to do? How about pray for him to win and then die? That’s what crazy anti-abortionist John Rogers is saying.

“To imprecate” means to invoke evil upon, or curse. Before Rogers’ blog started to get attention, he actually said, “Pray for McCain’s death.” He has since changed it to “imprecatory prayers.” Here are some imprecator Psalms from the bible.

I guess any of those will do for McCain. Then there’s this guy and his photoshopping skills.



Heyooooooo! That’s some SERIOUS Asshole Fuckfacery.

Well, it’s a solid idea. Hope that works out for you, and good luck with your future challenges.

The Lord has provided you with many temptations, Asshole Fuckface. And he attempted to provide everyone else with those temptations.

Obviously, he’s got a good head on his shoulders. I fell for a lie of false erections 7 times last week.

Next up, Fox News Asshole Fuckfacery.



No, actually, not a coincidence.

The definition you are looking for is this:

Finally, some good old fashioned southern Asshole Fuckfacing.

Republican Congressman Lynn Westmoreland has just about had it with Barack Obama trying to act like he's equal to white people.

At that point the reporter he was talking to gave him the opportunity to clear up his horrible, racist comment. And he passed.

Then a day went by and the AP asked Westmoreland what the fuck was up with the “uppity” comment?

Yeah, obviously. What white guy from the Georgia would know “uppity” was an offensive comment? What a complete and total Asshole Fuckface. Georgia probably invented the word “uppity.” Westmoreland isn’t exactly on the side of African Americans, either.

How's your hood?

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You will each recieve a brand new FearTheReaper saddle!

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.