My local paper has been talking about the law a bit lately, particular concerning the intersection of the crime of rape and the legal system.

The first of the pieces of interest was columnist Paul Sheehan's rant about the growing intrusion of law and litigiousness into society. Australia is becoming, says Sheehan, a society under the rule of lawyers, not laws.

You can read Sheehan's reasons for vomiting if you read the article in full. You will also see him noting a recent local legal controversy, in which barrister Tania Evers has been referred to the Legal Services Commission for aggressive cross-examination of an alleged rape victim. This is the same Tania Evers who in recent years spoke publicly of
the erosion of an accused's rights in sexual assault cases. We'll come back to Evers' shortly, and the issue of whether the complaint about her -- and the leaking of it to the media -- are part of a political power struggle going on in legal and government circles.

But let's contextualise first. We need to think about at least three issues regarding the prosecution of rape.

Rape is a difficult crime to prosecute. It's an inherently difficult crime to prosecute, regardless of whether or not the legal system is horribly sexist, precisely because rape is a crime that involves an act that for most people, most of the time, is consensual and pleasurable. At any given instant of time, millions of consensual sex acts are going on around us. Determining which ones are the non-consensual (criminal) ones is hardly going to be straightforward. It's not a typical problem for a homicide detective to have to consider whether or not the murder victim really wanted to be killed and hence their death was the deliberate result of a consensual act. (Yes, yes, I know it's possible, but it's not that likely.) But it's a fundamental issue surrounding sex crime allegations.

Add to this, the longstanding tendency of Western legal systems to start with the presumption of innocence of the accused. This is an important presumption because it's easy for a powerful legal and/or political system to railroad anyone it wants if the system is set up to allow that to happen. The presumption of innocence is an insurance policy against the worst aspects of human nature in the political arena.

Add to this, the very real issue of false rape allegations. Researcher Eugene Kanin famously reported that in his case study of a small metropolitan community, 41% of reported rapes turned out to be false allegations. (For (in)famous cases, think Kobe Bryant, or the Duke lacrosse team.)

Balance all of this against the possibility that a woman (it won't always be a woman, but mostly it will) really has been violently raped and is seeking redress against her rapist. How should the legal system operate given all of these considerations? What latitude should prosecuting lawyers get? What about defence lawyers? How aggressive should they be allowed to be? How much control should a judge exert during a cross-examination?

According to legal columnist Richard Ackland, these questions are at the heart of a stoush going on in New South Wales legal circles.

See, while judges can intervene with discretion in instances of aggressive cross-examination, they are loathe to do so if they think it'll create avenues for appeal. So the state government is trying, with some force, to decrease the power of the (quite powerful) barristers, and give more to the judges.

That's what it comes down to, in the end. The issue of how lawyers comport themselves in sexual assault cases boils down to a pitched battle between senior lawyers and government ministers over the relative distribution of power and influence.


TheFuckOffKid was never prouder of his girlfriend than when she was a juror on a rape trial.

Yes, I called Hillary Clinton an abomination. I could not be more correct with my description and here is the definition of abomination to prove it:

Abomination - A*bom`i*na"tion, n.

That which is abominable; anything hateful, wicked, or shamefully vile; an object or state that excites disgust and hatred; a hateful or shameful vice; pollution.

Fits perfectly. Hillary would, obviously, disagree. A month ago, she compared herself to Rocky.



It’s true. Hillary is Rocky because she is not going to win and she is beating the shit out of Obama, while getting the shit beat out of herself at the same time. Sadly, Rocky and Apollo Creed fought for 15 rounds – a fight length that is now illegal because of the damage done to the fighters.



We are now in round 13, with a couple more horrible, bloody rounds to go. I can only assume Hillary will be holding onto Bill at the end, mumbling, “I did it,” though her grizzled and battered face. Just like Rocky, there will be no knock out and the decision will go to the judges. In this case, they are known as the superdelegates.

This abomination will not give up. Her spinmeisters are running around telling everyone who will listen that Obama is unelectable and can’t win big states. The unelectable argument is moronic because she is behind in delegates and the popular vote. Never thought I’d see someone in second saying the person in first is unelectable. Amazing.

The “big states” argument is equally retarded. Hillary claims Obama can’t win big states in the primary, so he won’t win the general. I guess that would make sense if Hillary were a Republican, but it turns out Democrats are voting for both Hillary and Obama. That means in the general election, Democrats who voted for both would probably vote for Obama. Anyone buying the "big state" argument is wasting their brain and it should be removed from his or her head -- immediately.

Worst of all is the argument Clinton and her supporters are making that no one is actually saying out loud: Obama won’t win big, industrial states because he is black. It’s straight up racism and it’s disgusting, but it’s the claim she is trying to make to superdelegates. If it were true, I’d rather try with the best candidate, who happens to be black, and lose, than toss him to the side for the not-as-good white lady because of racism fears. To choose Clinton for this reason would be morally heinous and I think anyone doing so is scum.

The truth is Clinton’s 9-point victory in Pennsylvania was actually a loss. She needed to win by a 20-point margin to make a serious dent in Obama’s delegate lead. She didn’t. She only gained around 10 delegates out of 158. There are now only 408 delegates remaining in the final primaries. Clinton needs 483 delegates to get the 2024 necessary to win the nomination. See how that might be a problem?

This means the only way Clinton wins the nomination is via superdelegates. But she will need 70% of remaining uncommitted superdelegates to win – if she splits the remaining popular delegates. Which means she has to convince 215 human beings that Obama can’t win the election, even though he has received more votes and popular delegates. That’s 215 people who have to buy the “black guy can’t win” argument. Good luck with that.

And while the Clinton people are at it with the “black guy can’t win” argument, they are going to continue to throw every Republican attack possible at Obama. See, the Clinton peeps have this awesome idea in their heads. They don’t think Obama can handle the Republican attack machine in the general election and to make that point, they are going to attack him like the Republican machine. It’s kind of like an honor killing; we have to kill him to save the family honor.

So, Hillary will continue to hang out with the guy who started the rumor that she killed Vince Foster, and the owner of Fox News, while she praises John McCain. At the same time, she will use all the Republican talking points about Reverand Wright, call Barack an elitist, and point out his connections with the Weather Underground, no matter how tenuous or hypocritical.

She has completely crossed the “vetting Obama” line and is now simply a Republican tool of destruction. If the only way you can win an election is to convince 306 party insiders to overturn the will of the people, and you continue on that path, you are a fucking asshole. It’s already having an effect. Just take a look at Fox’s newest promo.



That’s Clinton campaign chairman Terry McAuliffe. Good work, douchebag.

Meanwhile, Obama has done nothing to imply Clinton cannot win the general election. He is only making the case that he is the better candidate. Clinton is dragging them both into the ditch. Her approval rating is plummeting and Obama’s is also slowly slipping.

According to Hillary, she plans to take this "all the way" to the convention, no matter how obvious it become that she is done. MSNBC has declared the popular delegate race over. The New York Times ripped her a new asshole yesterday.

The most damage being done by Hillary is the fight over Florida and Michigan. She has been making the case to voters in those states that Obama is responsible for their votes not being counted. It is completely untrue, the DNC made the decision, but Obama’s chances of beating McCain in Florida and Michigan have been plummeting, according to polls. Without those states, he has no chance. She is literally killing the Democrats chances of taking the White House.

Which is why she is not Rocky. Sure, Rocky lost to the black guy and both left the ring battered. But Rocky was a lovable character who won by losing. That is not the case with Hillary. A more appropriate comparison would be Jason Voorhees: A horrible, thoughtless, driven killer destroying all in his path. She’s just crisscrossing America with a machete, slashing and killing everything in her path.



Kudos, abomination, kudos.

FearTheReaper thinks Rocky has more impact in Italian and Jason Voorhees is scarier with Nordic death metal.

Oh PETA, why so crazy? There is a way to fight for the rights of animals without sometimes looking like complete and total lunatics. In this latest episode of PETA creepiness, they want someone to make Frankenmeat.

Mmmm, daddy wants a big tub of meat. I’m trying to think of a type of food I’d rather eat less than meat created in a test tube and I’m at a loss. This also shows a total lack of understanding of meat eaters. Meat eaters aren’t creepy, bloodthirsty psychos; they just like meat and they don't care that animals have to die for their nourishment.

I can’t even begin to understand what PETA thinks they are going to accomplish with their in vitro meat contest. Wasting one million dollars is amazing, even for them – and it seems a bit off target. PETA's slogan is "animals are not ours to eat, wear, experiment on, or use for entertainment." So, I guess they think if they create some awesome fake meat in a lab, they will save animals. FAIL. Huge fail. Spectacular fail.

The decision is actually causing a PETA civil war. Soon the group may break into PFMPETA (Pro Fake Meat PETA) and AFMPETA (Against Fake Meat PETA). I guess some PETA members are not as crazy as I thought.

Let me re-phrase that. I guess some PETA members are crazier than I thought. Also, I don’t want to live in the world where one has to choose between eating roadkill or in vitro meat. Can’t I just have a banana?

If you are interested in the million dollars, you have to create laboratory chicken and sell it to the public by June 30, 2012. (Hi, arbitrary fake meat date.) The winner must also do the following:

Why would non-meat eaters care about the taste and texture of chicken? Why not make a realistic lab vagina that feels natural for gay men? Actually, that’s a good idea. I’m offering one million for lab-grown vaginas – and I want them created in bulk and sold at competitive rates to real vaginas in 17 states.

I am no fan of meat. Beef farms are the worst things on the face of the Earth for the environment. The volume of waste they produce and the amount of water consumed is astounding. The beef produced is full of hormones and toxins. But the solution is not lab meat - I actually find that less appealing than toxin filled meat. The solution is to not eat meat.

I am horrified by the idea of giant labs pumping out huge slabs of juicy, fake meat. It is a future I want no part of. I will do everything in my power to free the slave meat, if that day ever comes. Please join FIVSMOD (Free In Vitro Slave Meat Or Die) before it is too late.

As if the Democratic debate from Philadelphia last week wasn't a big enough farce, all three presidential candidates made appearances on World Wrestling Entertainment’s Monday Night Raw in the form of prerecorded vignettes.

Senators Hillary Rodham Clinton, Barack Obama and Republican hopeful John McCain all delivered addresses laced with wrestling references in an apparent attempt to inspire America’s lowest common denominator to vote in the November general election.

"This election is starting to feel a lot like King of the Ring," the 60-year-old former First Lady said, referencing one of the sports entertainment giant’s dozen pay-per-view events. "The only difference, the last man standing, may just be a woman."

It’s a far cry from her husband’s saxophone performance on The Arsenio Hall Show more than a decade ago.

"Do you smell what Barack is cooking?" asked Sen. Obama in an ode to former WWE star Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

Perhaps channeling The Rock – a Pennsylvania native – could pay off for Obama in Tuesday’s crucial primary in the Keystone State.

As the oldest of the three Presidential hopefuls, one would have hoped Sen. McCain would have had enough sense to forgo the invitation of the WWE.

At 71, and presumably unopposed on the Republican ticket, the one-time prisoner of war said he and his “McCaniacs” would run wild, in a nod to wrestling and reality TV superstar Hulk Hogan.

"If you want be the man, you have to beat the man,” said McCain, referencing Ric Flair – arguably the most decorated wrestler of all time. “Come November, it'll be game over."

Sadly, it may be over for us all, no matter who wins.

Welcome. Are you prepared to read about this week’s worst human beings on the face of the Earth? Some people can’t handle it. Last week was a prime example. So, if you can’t – back your shit up now. Over the hundreds of years my people have been doing the Asshole Fuckface Roundup, many weak people have come to understand it is too intense for their baby pants. After the first Asshole Fuckface of all time, Jan Pieterszoon Coen, was revealed, many people cried like children.

In 1621, Jan Pieterszoon Coen was the newly appointed Dutch governor-general of The Banda Islands. Coen forced the leading citizens, called the orang kava, to sign a treaty at gunpoint. The treaty was structured so that the orang kava could not hold up their end. Once a couple of violations were noted, Coen massacred the Bandanese as punishment. He hired Japanese mercenaries, who cut off the heads of forty orang kava and displayed their heads on spears. Then they went about massacring the locals.

When Coen began the massacre, there were around 13,000 people living on Banda. By the time the massacre was finished, only 1,000 Bandanese were left. They all became slaves. Turns out the Dutch needed a few Bandanese as laborers because of their expertise in nutmeg cultivation. Ever since The Banda Massacre, my people have been pointing out Asshole Fuckfaces, so you can know whom to hate. It’s not pretty, so put on your rubber raincoat and prepare yourself for the worst of the worst.

My first Asshole Fuckface is a "performance artist." Normally I detest the use of quotes to undermine someone's trade, but in this case it is very appropriate.

Meet Jonathan Yegge. He’s a 24-year-old student at the San Francisco Art Institute, who apparently confuses art with being a complete moron. Last week, one of his professors, Tony Labat, asked Yegge to enlighten his fellow performance art students with a piece. Yegge hatched a brilliant idea.

First he asked for a volunteer from the class. Then he had the poor bastard sign a “contract” saying he agreed to participate in a performance piece that would include sexual and violent acts. Now, obviously the volunteer is a fucking moron. But that does not excuse what happened next.

First of all, I didn’t even know you could take a shit and shove it in someone else’s ass. Congrats on breaking new ground, so to speak. You really took shit to a new level. Fantastic. You know who would have loved this? Michelangelo. He always wanted to blow a dude, give him an enema and then cram his shit into the dude’s anus – while in The Sistine Chapel.

Apparently the volunteer is a little bummed.

Uh, saying this was not cool is the understatement of the year. The volunteer complained to school officials – because another student shoved shit into his asshole. Man, I miss college!

Yegge is now on academic probation and is no longer allowed to have public sex on campus.

Way to get the point. You’re more of an Asshole Fuckface than I thought. Also, you’re not very good at sex.

Professor Labat was not impressed with the art.

Really? You don’t know why anyone would want to do a story on public blow job/enema/shit fest? Have you ever met another human being?

Labat also neglected to mention that Yegge explaining the piece to him before it was performed. Oh, and he sat and watched it being performed. I’m going to take a wild guess and say that blowing a dude, giving him an enema, then shoving you shit into his ass takes a little while. Probably long enough to stop it.

The school is now, obviously, concerned about a lawsuit. Oh, and the volunteer’s mom is a judge.

Next up, Israeli Asshole Fuckfacery.

Jimmy Carter announced last week that he was going to meet with Hamas in an attempt to gauge “the group's willingness to accept Arab peace overtures.” It’s the kind of thing one might do if they want peace. You actually don’t get peace by never talking to your enemy. Crazy, huh?

Shin Bet is the Israeli security force that helps to protect visiting dignitaries. But they decided to take a pass on protecting Carter.

Bold move. Really taking a stance there. Should work out great for you if Carter gets killed.

Carter pissed off Israelis when he described Israel’s policy in the occupied territories as "a system of apartheid" in a book two years ago. And then he says he wants to meet with Hamas. So, obviously he should die.

Sadly for Israel, Carter survived the meeting yesterday.

Maybe next time, huh?

Next up, Australia reveals past Asshole Fuckfacery.

This week we learned that that the Australian government performed some heinous acts on aboriginal children during the '20s and '30s. Australia is holding a Senate inquiry this week to determine how to compensate the “stolen generation” of aboriginal kids who were taken from their families and placed with whites. Now we find out they also used the kids as guinea pigs and injected them with leprosy serums. That’s some "Class A" Asshole Fuckfacery.

Come on, how else were they supposed to find a cure for white people?

Many in Australia don’t believe the accusation and records to support the claim may be difficult to obtain – mostly because they contain information about using aboriginals as human guinea pigs. Who’s going to leave that lying around or dig it up?

Australia’s health minister has ordered an investigation into the claim. Good luck with that.

My final Asshole Fuckface has the worst alibi of all time.

Things have not been going well for the Republican commissioner of Cumberland County in Pennsylvania lately. Late last month, Bruce Barclay was accused of rape – by another man. That isn’t the kind of thing that the religious right expects.

Bruce was forced to retire and was fighting to keep his ass out of prison. Thankfully, he had made tapes of himself fucking tons and tons of dudes. All with hidden cameras. Yay!

Turns out Bruce was hiring prostitutes from Harrisburgfratboys.com and then banging them on camera without their knowledge. I like to call that “Thursday night,” myself.

Thankfully, one of the illegal tapes showed the rape accuser engaging is consensual sex. Take that?

No rape charges! Ha! But now Bruce may be facing privacy violations and promoting prostitution charges. And the rape accuser is looking at three years in jail for making false reports to police.

So, it’s a happy ending for everyone.

Congrats to all of this week's Asshole Fuckfaces! You each win a FearTheReaper cape!

I loathe Hillary Clinton. Back in the early '90s, I was a fan of the Clintons, but as time went by, it became apparent they were Republicans claiming to be Democrats. One only needs to look at the damage done by NAFTA to understand. Yet, I never disliked them as I do now. Hillary has proven herself to be a horrible viper through her actions and words during this primary season. The woman really is an opportunistic beast. So, I tuned in to last night’s debate hoping to witness Hillary Clinton’s destruction. But I ended up hating ABC’s Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos much more. Do you know how horrible someone has to be to make me hate them more than Hillary? It’s quite an accomplishment.

The first hour of the debate was a complete and total disgrace. Chuck and George didn’t ask a question of substance for the entire hour. The economy? Nope. Iraq? Nope. Housing Crisis? Nope. Torture? Nope. Health Care? Nope. Afghanistan? Nope. Education? Nope. Energy? Nope. Gas prices? Nope. Tibet and China? Nope. Trade? Nope. The world food crisis? Nope. Global warming? Nope. Immigration? Nope. Terrorism? Nope. Illegal government surveillance? Nope.

The majority of the above topics were not covered at all. The moderators started out with a very important issue that America is very concerned about: Whether or not they will choose each other as Vice President. But the question wasn’t just asked; Chuck pressed the issue with follow-ups as he attempted to get Americans to change the channel.

And then we were off and running to a complete and total night of journalistic embarrassment. For the rest of the hour we were forced to listen to a debate covering pressing issues like Obama using the word "bitter," Reverend Wright’s comments, whether or not Wright is a patriot, Hillary’s Bosnia comments, Hillary’s poor polling on honesty, Obama not wearing a flag lapel pin and Obama knowing a member of the Weather Underground. It was pretty pathetic and George Stephanopoulos was a total douchebag. George went after Obama aggressively, which would have been fine if they had actually been talking about issues. Instead, he covered all the subjects that would give Sean Hannity a hard on. And George just happened to be one of Bill Clinton's senior advisors during the '90s. Total coincidence.

After the first hour, they took a commercial break and came back with a question about Iraq, which was nice because these people are running for president, not editor of the National Enquirer. Then they switched to the economy and Chuck actually had the balls to argue with Obama, like a right wing asshole, about capitol gains tax cuts. His questions were framed as if capital gains tax cuts are great and how can anybody not love them? Of course we also spent time on that hot button issue of affirmative action. At the end, the candidates were given one minute to talk about rising gas prices. One minute. Disgraceful.

The decision to have a former member of President Bill Clinton’s cabinet moderate a debate, when one of the two candidates was a Clinton, is insane. The fact that ABC did not make a disclaimer is an example of how far journalistic ethics have fallen. It was hard to watch George doing the obvious biased bidding of his former master on Obama. Couple that with Chuck asking marginally retarded questions from a right wing perspective and this debate was a mess. It was a nice two-hour example of everything that is wrong with our country. We will never change the problems we face with weak imbeciles, like these two, as our leading journalists. Until politicians are asked tough questions about the issues we face, they will have no reason to take action. Our journalists have a job. It’s called accountability. FAIL.

And I was not alone in my criticism. After 7,500 comments, ABC shut down their debate message board -- only 30 minutes into the West Coast airing. When they realized this would only bring more attention, they fired it up again. Feel free to peruse the hate.

Or, you can read some of the comments from angry bloggers.

Again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

The best line of the night belonged to one of our own. A young lad named PointBlank.

Somebody took a wit class.

For George’s final question, he jumped with two feet into Lake Halfwit.

Ha, ha. Fun! Way to take advantage of the honor America has given you. Now go shoot yourself in the face, George, you useless, biased fuck.

In 1776, Thomas Jefferson and a few of his friends, also known as the Second Continental Congress, drafted and sent an interesting document to soon-to-be-nut job King George III, the latest in a long line of German twits invited to be king. This document became known to history as The United States Declaration of Independence. You might have heard of it. It was in all the papers.

Included in this weighty document is a list of charges and complaints against the British Government, in the person of King George III. This list highlighted the reasons the Colonies were willing to go to war to become independent of the British Empire. Because of these crimes, there was a rather important war, and eventually a new country.

In 2000, the SCOTUS ignored the citizens and installed George W. Bush to the office of POTUS. Eight years have passed, and W. is just about ready to flee to Paraguay as soon as January, 2009 rolls around. But before he goes, I’d like to play a little game I’ve called . . .

George Vs. George

George III

George W.
Veto of healthcare for children

George III

George W.
Gay Marriage becomes the major issue of 2004 elections, while ignoring the war.

George III

George W.
Veto of Stem Cell Research

George III

George W.
Email Deletion Scandal . . . Hard to keep records when they disappear

George III

George W.
Powell chased off by Bush and cronies

George III

George W.
Election Theft

George III

George W.
Stupid Fence
Stupid Immigration Laws

George III

George W.
In-Justice Department

George III

George W.
Office of Homeland Security, maybe?

George III

George W.
Surge grows, against wishes of population

George III

George W.
Patraeus and his non-answers

George III

George W.

Iraq War, Tax cuts for wealthy and big business, the lost of world standing, suspending habeus corpus, Guantanamo . . . Not linked because they have been explained to death.

George III

George W.
Recession, anyone?

George III

George W.
Canadian citizen sent by U.S. to Syria, where he was tortured

George III

George W.
Domestic spying and the society of fear since 9/11.

George III

George W.
Sounds like the partisan divide and the bitch-fighting between the “left” and the “right.”

George III

George W.

It really is difficult to pick the best war criminal in the White House. And make no mistake about it; several members of Bush’s cabinet are war criminals. Last week, ABC broke the story of their torture discussions and Bush backed the story up a couple of days later. If you don’t think they are war criminals, then you are a fucking idiot.

Nice work, peeps. You are officially no better than the Japanese during WWII, some of who we prosecuted for waterboarding.

Back in the '60s, we still seemed to think it was a bad thing.

Now, it is apparently different here in the good old USA. We have tossed our laws out the door and are having a torture party. Of course, the international community is not as retarded and villainous as the Bush Administration, and they still classify waterboarding as torture.

Shit, even crazy John McCain calls waterboarding a war crime.

The ABC News revelation of torture meetings in the White House is disturbing. Sure, we all knew they did it, but now it has been confirmed. And here are your war criminals!

Vice President Cheney,
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice
Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld
Former Secretary of State Colin Powell
Former CIA Director George Tenet
Former Attorney General John Ashcroft

They used to gather at the White House and sit around listening to stories from the CIA about how they were going to torture people. And not just once in a while – they heard about EVERY SINGLE PERSON TORTURED.

You’d think these morons would have done everything they could to keep themselves out of the loop. Apparently they are actually dumber than I suspected. The CIA covered its ass and had these idiots sign off on every torture. Nice work.

Only Johnny Ashcroft was said to have been concerned about the blatant stupidity - which is pretty amazing considering how stupid he is.

So, it’s legal, but it shouldn’t be talked about in the White House. Got it.

Now, one would expect our president to deny these accusations, right?
No. And why should he? Our press certainly won’t follow up – not when Obama is running around using the word “Bitter.”

Uh. What? Did you just…? Um. Man, I wish somebody cared, because you just threw yourself under the bus. Add one to the War Criminals list.

But, nobody cares. It’s just a few war crimes. Take a look at this sweet AP headline about the horrifying revelations.

“Harsh?” Seriously? "Harsh" is when you tell someone to fuck off. Pouring water into someone's mouth so their brain thinks they are drowning is "heinous." Wait, I want to write headlines for the AP.

Currently, the way things stand here in the US, if Congress does not forbid specific torture techniques as illegal, then they are totally legal. That’s how we are doing things. The Bush Administration claims that “severe mental or physical pain or suffering” is too broad.

They are just ignoring the fact that we prosecuted Japanese, our own soldiers and that Nazis were prosecuted by Norway for waterboarding. It is settled law. Hell, they are giving the finger to the Geneva Conventions.

We just don’t give a shit. Congress even amended the War Crimes Act, retroactively, to make sure those who committed war crimes would not be prosecuted. The Abu Ghraib scandal broke in early 2004. Any idiot breathing knows that was approved at the highest level, but we still re-elected Bush in 2004. The abuses of people at Guantanamo are well known to most. And the vast majority of people tortured in those two prisons are innocent.

Certainly nothing will happen in this country, but I wouldn’t write off the rest of the world. Augusto Pinochet was arrested in the UK in 1988 for war crimes in Chile. Our very own Henry Kissinger is wanted for questioning in France, Brazil, Chile, Spain, and Argentina because of Operation Condor. The people we have tortured in prisons have come from all over the world; they are citizens of many countries – all of whom can now attempt to prosecute these idiots for war crimes. Hopefully the number of countries Dick Cheney and his buddies can visit in the future are very limited.

It’s Saturday. That means you lucky bastards are going to read about the horrible actions of this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces. This year is the 185th anniversary of Asshole Fuckfacery. The first was a Greek revolutionary named Lykurgos Logothetis. In 1822 he was commander of the island of Samos. The Samian people were itching for a fight with their Ottoman rulers and they wanted the good people of neighboring island Chios to join them. The Chios were not interested in fighting, or really being a part of anything.

So, Logothetis thought if he invaded Chios, then they would be forced to take sides and join him. But the Chians were not fighters. He ended up killing a bunch of them and taking over the island. Then the Turks got pissed that the Chians were helping the Greeks and Sultan Asshole Fuckface Mahmoud ll sent an army to kill all males over 12, all women aged over 40 and all two-year-old children.

When the Turks arrived, Logothetis sailed off in his ship, leaving his own men stranded on the island. The Turks then massacre the peaceful island people. Corpses filled the streets and clogged the harbor. When they ran out of Christians to kill, they burned the churches and monasteries. Although, they got lucky and burned 2,000 women and children alive in one monastery. You can still see the bones and skulls on display today.

Over 20,000 Chians were massacred and 45,000 were sold into slavery. There were so many slaves taken from Chios it caused a massive drop in slave prices throughout the region. Ever since Logothetis, my people have been pointing out Asshole Fuckfaces every week. Today, I scour the news to find the worst of the worst and pull them into the light for you to mock. So, put on your goggles, this is going to be ugly.

First up, only an Asshole Fuckface would punish someone for flag waving.

In 1950, the Republic of South Maluka attempted to break away from Indonesia. The rebels were crushed within six months and the leaders scurried off to the Netherlands, where we can assume they sat around smoking pot and talked about going back someday.

Forty-nine years later, they got their shit together – or probably their kids. Or grandkids. The separatist Christians started up again eight years ago due to rising religious conflicts. Indonesia apparently has a strict no separatist policy and bad flag waving is forbidden. Very forbidden.

Wow. Just think what would have happened if he had actually done something wrong. Johan Teterisa was found guilty of treason because he coordinated the flag wave with a group of 28 dancers. At least he can spend the rest of his life knowing he stood up for what he believes in.

Oh well, never mind. The dancers are also learning about the horrors of flag waving.

It’s like Footloose Nation. Good luck with that.

Next up, you’re an Asshole Fuckface if you have a fake dude pregnancy.

By now, most of you should have heard of the “pregnant man.” His name is Thomas Beatie and he is pregnant. Tommy revealed his belly prize to the world last week in the latest issue of The Advocate.

Well, bully for you. But, I’d just like to say one thing to Tommy: Hey crazy lady with the vagina and no penis, you’re a lady. Just because you had your breasts cut off does not make you a dude. You’ve still got this thing between your legs called a “vagina.” People with penises are men, and those with vaginas are women. I learned that a long time ago and it has been quite handy information when I want to put my penis in a vagina. I know not to hit on dudes at bars.

The crazy part of this story is that the press is reporting it as a medical miracle.

PREGNANT MAN: THE 'MIRACLE' OF HAVING A BABY

PREGNANT US MAN DEFENDS RIGHT TO HAVE CHILD

PREGNANT MAN TELLS OPRAH: IT'S A MIRACLE

Wow, great headlines. Too bad none of them are true. Here’s what a true headline should say:

LADY WITH GIANT CLIT HAVING BABY.

Because that is all this Asshole Fuckface is. Tommy lopped off her breasts and took testosterone treatments to increase the size of her clit. She uses her clit as a cock and slips it into her disappointed wife. And Tommy has a VAGINA. That’s where the baby comes out. Babies don't come out of men's vaginas.

I could give a shit if a transsexual has a baby, just don’t try to pass yourself off as something you are not. You were born a lady, you’ve got lady parts and you get to have a baby. You are not a “pregnant man.”

Also, thank God Tommy and her wife went to the press. Now their kid will have an awesome life of scorn and ridicule. Also, some religious nut may try to kill Tommy. Good work, attention whores.

My next Asshole Fuckface is a bad, bad, bad woman.

Abigail London-Fife has to learn a bit of self-restraint. Abby suspected her husband of having sweet, sweet intercourse with other women. She had “intercepted” several phone calls and was clearly not going to let Leonard get away with it.

So, one night while she was going at it with her man, she pulled a knife out from under the bed and went Highlander on his balls.

I do love a good trust position, just without the knife slicing into my Johnson.

This week, Abby went to court for her vicious frank and beans assault. The judge was not pleased.

Exactly. But don’t knock the pot onto his penis. Abby’s attorney tried to explain how she is not such a bad gal.

“It was inappropriate to use a weapon?” So, it would have been better if she had punched him in the balls? Clearly, fisticuffs, or fisticocks, would have been more appropriate. Also, if you are hiding a knife under the bed, you’ve been thinking it out.

The Abby received a 12-month "conditional jail sentence." I don’t know what that means, but she spends the first six months under house arrest – hopefully dude has moved out. I think she should have to travel the country and apologize to guy’s balls for a year.

My next Asshole Fuckface is another crazy Muslim from Saudi Arabia.

Facebook is getting a bad rep in Saudi Arabia. Sheik Ali al-Maliki is leading the anti-Facebook charge, claiming it is destroying the youth.

Well, maybe that just means the price of food is low. You really haven’t made a good point. But the religious nutters of Saudi Arabia are making noise about the site. Facebook has 30,000 Saudi Arabia users, while 6,500 people have signed a petition to ban the site. They are mostly concerned that Facebook “Promotes homosexuality.” They do have a point, because almost every time I log onto Facebook I end up blowing a dude. And I’m not even gay.

But the real and obvious problem is that Facebook is fucking up the strict control of men over women. Women are signing up for accounts and not posting their pictures. It’s an anonymous world where they can say and do what they want. Now women are contacting dudes outside of their class system and families.

Now a father has been forced to kill his daughter for chatting on Facebook. He killed her to save her. Talk about a catch-22.

Well, that will teach her. She’ll definitely think twice before doing that again. And you can go to bed every night with the image of you beating and shooting your daughter dancing in your head, you Asshole Fuckface.

Finally, get used to Asshole Fuckfaces who don’t even know they’re racist.

Until November, expect to see some white Republican idiot making an ignorant racist comment every week. They are so used to making offensive comments to each other that they don’t even realize they are being an Asshole Fuckface when they make the same comments in public. Take David Bellavia, who introduced John McCain at an event on Wednesday.



Tiger Woods? Now, what does Tiger Woods have in common with Barack Obama? Oh, right, they are both part black. Kudos, fuckface. Not only did you compare Obama to Tiger Woods, but you picked the one partial black guy who NEVER LOSES. True Asshole Fuckfacery.

Oh, and those of you living in New York District 26, David Bellavia is running for Congress. Remember to vote!

Condi Rice is now "actively campaigning" to run with John McCain as Vice President. She will probably get the nod because Republicans are stupid enough to believe she will pull black votes away from Obama. But she won’t, mostly because the guy above her on the ticket will be an old, white man named John McCain who sort of voted against a MLK holiday back in the '80s.



But he didn’t know any better because he was only 50 when he voted against the MLK “issue.” Who knew about the Martin Luther King “issue” before they were 50? Not me.



So, that could be a constant and embarrassing topic if McCain chooses Condi. If he does pick her, it will be like slapping a little Bush on his shoulder to remind America of how horrible his presidency will be. A little, black, lady Bush, who is one hell of a piece of shit. Let’s take a look at Condi’s superior governing abilities.

Really? Well, I guess not many people saw the Lone Gunman pilot on Fox early in 2001, during which a terrorist flew a hijacked plane into the World Trade Center.

Oh, and never mind that George W. Bush was given a briefing on August 6, 2001 informing him that al Qaeda was capable of using hijacked airplanes to strike against targets within the US. Also, don’t remember that one month earlier, Bush was told that terrorists had plans to use planes as missiles.

Wow, what a big fucking lie. At least, that's what 9/11 Commission member Jamie Gorelick says.

Huh. Deputy Secretary of State, Richard Armitage also said there was no plan. That’s two against one, Condi.

Not so much, liar.

It’s kind of hard to make a mushroom cloud with no big nuclear mushroom thingy.

Condi Rice is a waste of human skin. She misjudged the terrorist threat leading up to 9/11, lied about it and then misled America in the build up to the Iraq War. She is just as responsible for the disaster that is Iraq as Cheney, Rumsfeld and Bush.

Rice has zero credibility here or anywhere else in the world. Why would the leader of any country or the American people ever believe a word this blatant liar spewed out of her gap-toothed mouth? She was the National Security Advisor when the World Trade Center was destroyed. Rice should have been tossed out on her incompetent ass and publicly humiliated for the rest of her life.

Contrary to her bullshit cover-up, Bush was given a two-page document in August 2001, describing exactly what would happen. Here are some of the vague highlights.

Condi Rice did not convene a Cabinet-level meeting to discuss the urgent warnings. She’s a miserable failure whose inaction and ineptitude led to the deaths of thousands of Americans. That’s probably why...

Oh, that’s someone who needs to be elevated to Vice President. This woman shouldn’t be considered for the office. An appropriate place for Condi would be in a ditch somewhere, covered in feces for all eternity.

FearTheReaper does not believe in 9/11 Conspiracy theories. He thinks some idiots fucked up. The only people worse than Bush and his boys are you morons who can’t accept reality. So, take your 9/11 Truth shit and cram it up your ass.

The time has come to fear a McCain presidency. Hillary Clinton is doing everything she can to make Barack Obama unelectable, clearing the way for the time worn Senator from Arizona to march into the White House. But over the past few weeks McCain has shown himself to be either a confused old man or a lying sack of shit. Either way, it’s bad news.

Some of the old man’s mistakes have been harmless. For instance, a couple of weeks ago in Israel, he made this blunder while touring the city of Sderot with Israel Defense Minister Ehud Barack.

Uh. Purim commemorates a time when the Jewish people living in Persia were saved from execution. So, not at all close. Thank God there was a Jewish guy there to save McCain’s babbling ass.

And fail. Joe wants us to believe that he lied to McCain about the holiday. Bullshit. McCain is a crazy old fuck who blurts shit out. This Purim mistake would be no big deal if it weren’t a pattern of an old man fucking up, over and over and over. His best old man or blatant liar moments had to do with Iran and al Qaeda on a recent Middle East trip.

First, in February, he burted out this gem.

Right. Hey, really old man who wants to be president, Iraq is the birthplace of the Shiite religion. Shiites make up the majority of people in Iraq. Shiites and Sunnis hate each other. Al Qaeda are Sunnis. See how your idiotic statement doesn’t work?

But gramps wasn’t done there. A few days later, he blurted out this lie or old man brain misstatement.

Well, not so much. Actually, not at all. See, Iran is controlled by a Shiite government. The Shiites would not fund a Sunni group, like al Qaeda. They are actually enemies. Sorry. You’re either losing your mind or a dirty fucking liar.

Oh, and the “undeniable security gains” turned into a big pile of steaming shit last week. Now, totally deniable security gains.

But John Boy wasn’t done being old or lying just yet. A week later...

Now this moment makes me think gramps wasn’t lying. If it was a lie, Lieberman would have let it go. He didn’t. Gramps doesn’t know who is who, because he is old and losing his mind.

Really, gramps? Did you take a drive to the Syrian border and stop in Mosul for lunch? Then turn around and head on down to Sunni Ramadi? Maybe take sunset stroll through the city and talk to the peeps? After that, did you grab a Vespa and putter on down to Najaf to see the Shiites? They love us there! But, you know that because you were “on the ground.” I’m sure you then took a nice drive down to Basra to see the oil rich countryside, right? And then, I assume, you hopped on a boat and enjoyed a nice ride up the Tigris to Baghdad? And then your threw on your old fighter plane jacket and strolled the streets of Sadr City, meeting and shaking hands with the good folks? No? Oh, then you don’t know shit. You were a well-protected, isolated asshole who saw what they wanted you to see. That’s why one week after your “we’re succeeding” declaration everything went to shit.

His clueless bullshit has continued and continued. After the recent flare up in Iraq, that left the government of Maliki greatly weakened, McCain continued to spew nonsense.



What a stupid old man. The history of cease-fires is meaningless because we know the truth of this specific instance. Sadr was clearly the victor. The Maliki government went crawling on its knees to Iran, begging them to get Sadr to stop.

McCain is a fool. He has a profound lack of understanding of the region and its people. His multiple claims over a period of a month that Iran is training al Qaeda is disturbing. It’s like claiming that Republicans are funding and training Democratic candidates. It’s moronic. And this wasn’t a momentary slip, like his campaign would have us believe. He said it over and over and over. Five years into this disaster of a war and McCain doesn’t know the simplest – and most important facts.

This video from yesterday sums it up.



Oops.