The Republican Party is coming apart at the seams. What a shame. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer bunch of douchebags. It really is a joy to watch extremists take over a party and attack anyone who offers a stray thought. Looking back, this was inevitable. Keeping religious nuts, big business and people scared of terrorists all under one roof was doomed to fail. It's like pedophiles and rapists going in on a van together. Turns out, they have different priorities.

The great part of this story is it is Sarah Palin’s doing. She’s the chosen one, the lady Jesus, who turned a big flashlight on how crazy and stupid the religious faction of the GOP really are. She was forced on John McCain by the religious right, without considering that she would sink the campaign because she is a lying, corrupt idiot. All they saw in her was sweet Jesus. The religious right finally did something to scare away sensible, traditionally conservative Republicans.

Traditional Republicans are now understanding they are in league with anti-intellectual fanatics. It's the first time they have actually been a little freaked out by their own party. It just took a while, and Sarah Palin, to get here. Hilariously, this is Reagan’s fault. He is the one who began bringing the nuts into the party –– and just like his economic plan to de-regulate everything has been exposed this year as an economic clown car, the same can be said for bringing in the religious nuts. Eventually they were going to stop playing nice and go for what they really wanted.

For years, traditional Republicans put up with some serious idiots –– because their lunacy wasn’t harmful. Jerry Falwell being upset with a gay Teletubby. Pat Robertson praying for someone to blow up the State Department. Pat Hagee saying New Orleans was destroyed because of gays. No harm there. They were, just religious freaks being religious freaks. As long as Republicans were able to get their business shit done, the fanatics served their purpose. Over the years, the Republican Party moved farther and farther to the right.

Bush was the ultimate creation of the two groups. He’s a religious nut, but he also drops on his knees to take the sweet cock of big business whenever he can. Bush is from a big business family. He’s spent his life around big business, so he knows where his true loyalty lies. Sure, he’s still a born-again who thinks he was chosen by God, but he’s packed the courts with judges who favor corporations –– not judges who only care about religion. In the end, Bush was an insider. He was raised in a well-connected, very wealthy, political family. He found God later in life. Sarah Palin, on the other hand, is one of them. And that shit is scary to many traditional Republicans.

She isn’t from a politically connected family. She did not come from wealth. She’s straight out of the church. And it’s a church with some scary connections. She and her kind talk about “real America,” which simply means, “Christians.” The people who believe America was founded as a Christian nation.

With the nomination of Sarah Palin, sensible Republicans went from being the users to possibly being used –– and they do not care for that idea. This is the religious right's attempt to flip the table, but it has been a massive failure. In every state, the same phrase is being used by long time Republicans: “She scares me.” In poll after poll, Americans say the number one reason people are not choosing McCain is Sarah Palin.

Today, the Republicans Party is a disaster. It is a great schism. Evangelicals now make up more than half the party –– and 23% of all voters. Moderates have been driven from the party, and now Goldwater Republicans may be following. Traditional Republicans will not side with the religious nuts if they want someone like Sarah Palin. And make no mistake about it –– they do. A recent poll breaks it down.

That’s 35% for a business-minded Republican and 46% for a religious nut. Come 2012, they will not stand by and allow a non-religious nut to get the nomination. They will remember what happened with Sarah Palin and how many Republicans blamed her for McCain’s undoing. They will attack members of their own party the way they have attacked Democrats for years. They have already begun the purge. They are and will continue to destroy any chances the Republicans have of winning the presidency for years to come. They have no idea they are a minority. Traditional Republicans do, and that’s why they used them for so long. But then the minions crossed a line.

And what a glorious line it is.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters. Come see him at the San Jose Improv this Saturday and Sunday.

Asshole Fuckfacery is a living, breathing thing. It cannot die, it can only be wounded. The way to wound Asshole Fuckfacery is to drag it into the light for all to see, like a naked mole rat. Only then, will the Asshole Fuckface be harmed and it will often scurry back into a dark place and lick its wounds, someday to return again. This week, I will drag four horrible Asshole Fuckfaces into the light, for you to mock and laugh at. So, put on your aluminum aprons, because this is going to be ugly.

The nice thing about the right wing, is you can always count on some righty Asshole Fuckface to say the worst thing possible. Enter Brad Blakeman, one of the rich assholes behind Freedom’s Watch. Brad has a mouth and heart, but the two are apparently not connected in any way.

This week Barack Obama learned his grandmother is very ill. He decided to leave the campaign trail to spend time with his grandmother.

Asshole Fuckface Brad Blakeman doesn’t get it.

Um. The only fact I see here is that you are an Asshole Fuckface. You are the epitome of everything that is wrong with the modern GOP. You have no soul and could not act like a human being if someone paid you. You are a cancer, a demon, pure bile and not nice. Barack Obama’s grandmother is gravely ill. This is the time to hold your tongue. But you can’t, because you are the worst human alive. Now, good day, sir.

Next up, religious fanatic Asshole Fuckfacery.

For those of you who don’t know, Sarah Palin is a religious lunatic. This week she provided a tasty example of how horrible of a person she is.



The definition of terrorism is pretty simple.

Sarah Palin is a complete Asshole Fuckface. People bombing clinics and killing doctors are terrorists. There is no counter argument, unless you are a religious fanatic. Her remarks are disgusting and an insult to those who have died.

Note the term “innocent Americans.” She and her kind do not consider doctors who perform abortions to be “innocent,” so their killers are not terrorists. You can’t terrorize murderers in their world. So, sadly, Dr. Barnett Slepian and Robert Sanderson were not killed by terrorists in 1998. Dr. John Bayard Britton and James H. Barrett and Shannon Lowney and Leanne Nichols were not killed by terrorists in 1994. Dr. David Gunn was also not killed by terrorists in 1993. They were all killed in “unacceptable” situations. And the 200 clinic bombings and fires were not set by terrorists, but by “unacceptables.”

Sarah Palin is not only a disgusting animal, but also an Asshole Fuckface Hall of Famer.

Next up, some McCain volunteer Asshole Fuckfacery.

Ashley Todd had a bad week. On Wednesday, while campaigning for McCain in Pittsburgh, she was violently assaulted. Ashley was taking money out of her ATM, when a black man mugged her. He put a knife to her neck and popped her in the eye. Then it got really bad. The mugger noticed that she had a McCain bumper sticker on her car and, being a black man, decided that was too much. He carved a “B” into her cheek with a knife. How fucked up is that?



It is pretty common for muggers to look around to see what bumper stickers are on their victim’s cars. Also, muggers commonly carve letters into their victim’s faces to make political points. Oh, and when they carve the “B,” they do it backwards, like they are looking through a mirror. Most muggers are dyslexic. Right?

Nope. But that didn’t stop the right wing from going apeshit. Drudge sent the minions loose. They couldn’t believe how horrible Barack supporters are. The animals! And a McCain campaign staffer actually put out a statement.

The real story is, obviously, that Ashley made it up. Yesterday she was charged with making a false police report.

Now right wing Asshole Fuckfaces are claiming this fake accusation will cost McCain the White House. John Moody, executive vice president at Fox News:

Uh, yeah. Hate to break this to you, but McCain’s campaign ended a long time ago, in a giant ball of fire. Maybe you missed it, but it engulfed the entire state of Alaska and Wall Street. But, feel free to blame the crazy girl, because that won't make you seem more pathetic.

And finally, an Asshole Fuckface popped out at me while I was writing.

Moments ago, on Hardball, Republican Duncan Hunter produced an awesome description of Barack Obama. Mathews was talking about Barack Obama and why McCain was in trouble…

(Weird and horrible beep at the beginning of this video)


Um. Thanks for throwing in the “great teeth” remark. It’s pretty fantastic because that’s one of the things slave buyers looked at when purchasing slaves back in the day. And here it just kind of popped out of your Asshole Fuckface mouth. If you watch the video, you actually can see Hunter pause after making the “great teeth” remark, as his horrible, little brain realizes the mistake he just made.

I look forward to 8 years of amazing racist comments.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Watching the rapid descent of Michelle Bachmann is a wonderful thing. For those of you unfamiliar with the raging idiot, she is a Congresswoman from Minnesota. Michelle has done some great things for our country, like introducing the Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act, begging her constituents to write awesome letters about her, telling everyone that Iran was going to be allowed to take over half of Iraq, throwing weirdly aggressive face plants on George Bush, and raising children like she is a possum. Oh, and she’s one of those religious lunatic Republicans who want to bomb and kill everything, but stop all abortions.

Last week, she went on Hardball and told America that liberals and Obama are anti-American. And she requested that the media investigate which members of Congress are secretly against America.



Four years ago, I think that would have gone over just fine. There were no voices in the media to go after this kind of jackassery. But now we have Keith Olbermann, Jack Cafferty, Rachel Maddow and You Tube. Idiots like Bachmann don’t get to say whatever they want without consequences. In this case, the consequences have been brutal.

First, liberals (anti-Americans) started ponying up the dough. Bachmann’s opponent, Minnesota pastor El Tinklenberg, has raised over $1.3 million since Bachmann’s comments ($100 from myself). That flood of money allowed Tinklenberg to create his first ad.




Next up came comments from Colin Powell directly attacking the spew that came out of Bachmann’s hate vent.



You know you’ve fucked up when an ex-Secretary of State points to you as one of the reasons he is supporting Obama over McCain.

Next, Congressional Quarterly downgraded the Minnesota 08 race from "Republican Favored" to "Leans Republican." That’s pretty enormous in a district that voted for Bush 57%-42% in 2004. This is red, red, red country we are talking about.

Bachmann handled all the negative attention like a champ. She just lied.

Right. Hey, listen, Michelle. This is the year 2008. We actually have these devices that record what you say. As a matter of fact, you were on a television show. Television actually records everything you say. Here, looky:

That’s exactly what you said. You’re an idiot. Sadly, the idiot couldn’t
stop herself.

Which is weird, because you said it. On television.

Sensing blood in the water, the Democratic Party decided to go after Bachmann. On Tuesday, the DSCC decided to spend $1 million in the district and whipped up an ad.



So, now things were starting to look bad for Michelle. So bad that she actually realized it. No one was buying her incredible lie, mostly because it had been recorded on television. Michelle then switched from denial to a lame excuse at a rotary club function.

Ah, I see. She fell into a horrible trap of questions. Poor idiot. Well, at least she came clean, right?

Oh, dear. She really is a moron.

Now Michelle Bachmann finds herself in a very sad, sad place. She has embarrassed her party by making incredibly stupid comments.She has riled up the Democratic base and swollen her opponent’s back account. And she can’t stop digging the hole. Yesterday, Bachmann went on Hugh Hewitt’s show and said…yeah, Obama is against America.

So, Barack Obama’s not “anti-American,” but his views are “against America.” Seriously, how fucking stupid can one person be? Apparently, very stupid. She then went on the Mike Gallagher show and let it rip.

Well, it looks the Republican Party has had enough of Michelle Bachmann. The RSCC has decided to pull all of its ads from the Minnesota 08 race.

Aw, what a bummer. Before this all started on Friday, Bachmann was looking like a lock. She had $1.4 million on hand at the end of September, far more than her opponent, who was sitting with $357,000. Now Tinklenberg has pulled in $2.3 million over four days and Bachmann has been deserted by her own party. Welcome to the politics of stupidity.

None of this would have happened without shows like Rachel Maddow and Keith Olbermann – and the internet. It’s a different game now and people like Bachmann and Palin have no idea.



FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Now that we are getting down to the final days of the campaign, it’s time to take a look at how Republicans will steal this election. Bush stole the 2000 election by purging voters from voter rolls in Florida. Tens of thousands of mostly black “felons” were removed from the voter rolls by Kathleen Harris and Bush won by a tiny number of votes. Then in 2004, the election was stolen in Ohio via several insane tactics, like removing the press from a building where votes where being counted due to “national security reasons.” Election officials in Ohio have been convicted of charges related to their handling of the recount. You’d have to be a fucking moron not to believe the election was stolen in that state in 2004.

So, now here we are, facing another theft as Republicans do everything they can to prevent Americans from voting. One of the big attempts to stop people from voting in Ohio was thwarted by the Supreme Court last week.

Republicans were attempting to force the Secretary of State of verify new registration cards of 200,000 voters. There simply wasn’t enough time to do so and it would have disqualified many voters for things like spelling errors. Remember Joe the plumber? His name on the registration rolls has an “o” where a “u” should be, which would mean he would not be able to vote if the Republicans got their way –– all because some election worker couldn’t read his writing. Because the vast majority of new voters are registering as Democrats, this would have had a big negative effect on Obama voters.

Nine million new voters have registered for this election. Those are the people the GOP is targeting. The ridiculous ACORN charges, which CNN said, “looks like a fraud perpetrated on ACORN, not by ACORN,” , are just a way of gumming up the works. In some states, voters can be challenged at the polls, causing delays for other voters and forcing the challenged voter to cast a provisional ballot. Provisional ballots are not treated in the same way; many are left uncounted, being tossed out for technical reasons and because of lawsuits. This is the main crux of the Republican attack: People will impersonate voters and vote illegally.

So, it's a lie, plain and simple. But reality won’t stop Republicans. They are filing lawsuits and investigating wherever they can, regardless of the facts.

Ooooo, a “variety of sources.” Well, then by all means, intimidate and disenfranchise voters. And don’t just do it in one part of Ohio, or it wouldn’t look like a planned effort.

And be sure to use the same excuse.

Ooooo, “telephone calls from concerned people.” Oh noes! I wonder who they are?

These are classic Republican tactics. They won’t actually steal the votes, they will do everything they can to prevent people from voting in the first place. The people they are targeting are mostly blacks and college students.

It is happening everywhere. Whatever they can do to stop people from voting.

And the focus seems to be on certain states. You’re not going to believe this, but they are the important ones.

The reason this is “a new trend” is because of the Help America Vote Act of 2002. The law gave money to states to update the voting equipment and centralize their voter databases. Republicans are now using the centralizing of information to purge voters. If the name on your registration card does not match the name on your drivers license or Social Security number, you are tossed. So, people could be losing their right to vote because of a clerical error. Pretty great, huh?

The GOP is throwing every thing against the wall and seeing what sticks.

Thank God Republicans are looking out for fraud, or else some guy might vote when he shouldn’t –– and tens of thousands won’t be able to vote at all.

If we're talking about voter fraud, we are obligated to look at Florida.

That’s all great, because the Social Security Administration’s record for matching voter registrations is stellar.

And you’re not going to believe this, but the Florida Secretary of State is a Republican. Shocking, I know. Of course, it’s not as shocking as Republicans admitting they want to stop people who lost their homes from voting.

Across the country, early voters are already experiencing long lines.

Can’t wait to see how things zip along on election day, especially in areas with high African American populations and college voters. It is so blatant and obvious that when Republican Congressman Tom Davis was asked about it, he said the GOP would never engage in voter suppression –– as a joke.



Hee hee. We’re undermining democracy.

The attacks on ACORN are simply intended to create chaos at the polls on Election Day, in order to delay and discourage voters and lay the seeds for accusations of theft if Obama actually is able to overcome the current deficit he finds himself in. At least, that’s what the McCain camp
is saying.

Even though the right wing screams and loses their Borg-like mind over ACORN, the only person who has actually been arrested for voter fraud this year is a Republican.

Yesterday police arrested Mark Jacoby, the owner of Young Political Majors, a firm hired by Republicans to register voters. He is facing felony charges of voter registration fraud and perjury. Oh, and unlike ACORN, it’s a company actually committing voter fraud in different states

Doesn’t sound too bad, does it? People can still vote, right? Well, it actually is an effective tactic.

Unlike ACORN, this GOP voter fraud is actually serious.

I’m sure the right wing blather machine will jump all over this story. If you want to know what this scumbag has been up to, I suggest reading BradBlog.

Republicans are working hard to steal this election, while keeping Democrats on defense with the ACORN allegations. One only needs to look at Colorado to see what is going on. The state has significantly increased its population since 2004, but there are 100,000 fewer voters registered. Greg Palast believes the suppression tactics have led to 2.7 million registration being tossed out.

Republicans are doing everything they can to steal another one. If they succeed, expect them to point at two excuses. One is complacency, which was recently handed to them on a silver platter by Obama and other Democrats. The other is the “Bradley Effect,” a mythical election theory, which assumes voters tell pollsters they will vote for a black man, but when they are in the booth they can’t bring themselves to do it. It is named after former Los Angeles Mayor Tom Bradley and assumes he lost his two races for governor because of this theory. The Bradley Effect is a complete load of bullshit. It never happened.

But none of that matters. Republicans have the script, with the reasons why Obama suddenly lost, even though polls expected a crushing victory. If they do, Democracy in America is officially dead.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

This was a stellar week for Asshole Fuckfacing. They really should be proud of themselves. Asshole Fuckfaces have been at it since the dawn of time. The very first Asshole Fuckface was actually the serpent in the Garden of Eden. What a prick. Unfortunately, there was no one to write it down, so we don’t know what happened. Years later, my people were assigned to write the Asshole Fuckface Roundup every week. My father’s father’s father, Seamus Reaper, actually was the first to coin the phrase, “Put on your man bibs, this is going to be ugly.” In honor of Seamus, put on your man bibs.

First up, some AM radio Asshole Fuckfacery.

Chris Baker and Langdon Perry are a couple of conservative radio hosts in Minneapolis. Last week, they were having a robust and thoughtful conversation about health care. At one point, a caller claimed that health care is not a right. That’s when their brains started working.

No, shit. Thank God someone finally said this out loud. Goddamn AIDS faker. Why wouldn’t he? I mean, it was such a bonanza for him, the way it ended his career and all. He’s like the AIDS cash cow, soaking up all that AIDS money and living during a time when people were afraid to shake his hand. Everyone was faking AIDS in 1992. I mean, I had AIDs in 1992, but not 1994, you know what I’m sayin?

Hey, thanks. Be sure to include the part about people not faking AIDS.

Next up, some lady Republican Asshole Fuckfacery.

Diane Fedele, president of the highly respected Chaffey Community Republican Women, Federated, sends out a newsletter to her members. This months was a doosey. It included a hilarious spin on Obama’s comment that he "doesn't look like all those other presidents on the dollar bills." Hell, no, he looks like the dude on the food stamps.



Well. Just let that soak in for a few minutes. There’s a watermelon, some fried chicken, some ribs and some cool-aid. And it’s all on a food stamp. Although, she still felt the need to explain it, in case it was too subtle.

HA! He’s black! I get it! But now, Diane says she didn’t mean any harm.

Yes. Just food. That is all. None of the food on the food stamp has any sort of meaning. It’s simply for nourishment.

Sheila Reines, a black member of the Republican group, was upset.

Um. Yeah. That’s what keeps African-Americans from joining the Party. Not all the policies and whatnot. Also, what the fuck are you doing?

Next up, some Floridian Asshole Fuckfacery.

Joseph Prudente is a 66-year-old grandpa who has lived in a restricted community called Beacon Woods since 1998. But things have not been going well for Joe. His mortgage just shot up $600 month, his Toyota was repossessed and his daughter had to move in because she is having trouble, too.

Beacon Woods requires homeowners to keep their laws green. But Joe didn’t have the money to sod it and repair his broken sprinklers. The Beacon Woods Civic Association sent letters, explaining he must resod by a specific date. Joe couldn’t. He explained to the association his financial situation. The Asshole Fuckface association didn’t care.

So, they took him to court. In May, Asshole Fuckface Circuit Judge W. Lowell Bray handed down a court order giving Prudente 30 days to sod the yard. But that was going to be difficult, because he had no money.

The association kept at it.

Well, that should take care of the guy who can’t afford to sod his lawn. And they kept at him.

Of course, Joe now was finding it even more difficult to sod the yard, with all the fines and whatnot. So, the deadline passed. Then they did the unthinkable.

Oh, well, that should get the lawn work done. Fuck you, poor guy!

Hopefully Bob will be eaten by an alligator.

Finally, some the National Review can always be counted on for some Asshole Fuckfacery.

Yesterday, Ed Whelan wrote a little blog about how Barack Obama should thank his lucky stars he was not aborted.

That reminds me, I’m having an Abortion is Rad potluck this Friday, come on by whenever.

Oh, so you have zero stats, but “indirect indications” (your friends) say it’s really up there. Gotcha. So, having not spoken to Barack’s dead mother, Ed has concluded her morality would have led to an abortion.

Oh, shit yeah. How dare he be against something when he has no idea whether or not it would have affected his life.

Here, here. What an amazing argument you’ve laid out, based on nothing. I also have one: What if abortions were done on a sort of Russian roulette basis. Now, here me out, because I am one of those pro-abortion, celebration people. (Did I mention I’m having a Go Abortion! pool party next weekend? Swimming, barbeque and abortions on the deck. Bring a suit!)

Russian Roulette Abortion would mean that when a woman found out they were pregnant, she would have to go into a lottery and if she were picked, she would get an abortion. If we had implemented this program in the 40s, George Bush may never have been born and over a million people would be alive today. Just something to think about, since we are making shit up and pulling it out of our assholes.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Californians will be voting on a very interesting proposition in three weeks. Proposition 2 is about animal cruelty. Not the ones that live in our houses, the ones we shove in our mouths. It simply requires that we not make some of the animals we are going to eat suffer through horrible lives until they are killed.

Naturally, many people are opposed, because chickens being able to turn around in their cage will create a complete and total fucking nightmare for the people who make cages so small that chickens feet grow into the bars. The Attorney General has listed a couple of possible negatives.

Oh well. Seriously, oh fucking well. For those of you who don’t live in California, we have a highway that spans the state from top to bottom, the I-5. Years ago, there was a tiny farm on the edge of the I-5 that didn’t smell so good. Then it became larger and larger and larger. Now it is a city of brown cows, standing in dirt, with sprinklers firing away to keep the cows nice and wet, so they create an odor that nearly induces vomiting. It’s enough to make anyone a vegetarian. Years ago we Californians began calling it Cowschwitz. It is no longer alone. Now a drive down the Interstate 5 will involve passing four of these disgusting farms. A second is now called DaCow.

Proposition 2 does nothing to effect those horrible places. Proposition 2 only forces “farms” to allow chickens to be able to move. That’s it. Move. Same goes for pregnant pigs. The authors think a pregnant animal should be able to stand up, maybe turn around. How crazy is that?

Apparently too crazy for the good people at the LA Times, although the editorial starts out okay:

Yeah, that does sound appealing. Almost human.

I love it! It’s like one of them slavery arguments. Oh, but the LA Times is far from finished:

Really? WOW. Imagine if that fact had anything to do with Proposition 2, which would only force the industry to make cages that are slightly bigger. But thanks for the totally irrelevant fact. This is one of the big talking points against Proposition 2. Opponents keep bringing up cage free birds, as if it has any relevance. It would just allow the chickens to move around. I can only imagine how much pain would be caused by not being able to move my entire life. Seems kind of wrong.

So, the egg industry is wrong but go ahead and do it, although, you should watch your ass because if you don’t, the people will vote for something like Proposition 2. Got it.

My feeling is Proposition 2 does not go nearly far enough. It does not require chickens to get natural feed or have access to sunshine. It does not require time spent running about, being a chicken. It does not stop the stacking of cages, to prevent the chickens on the bottom from being covered in shit. It only allows them to move enough to stretch and maybe turn around.

Fuck the California chicken industry if it can’t survive without such simple standards. Take your jobs and shove them up your asses.

I only eat free-range chickens, anyway. And, yes, I think meat should be more expensive.


Image courtesy of avianwelfare.org.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

I can’t figure out most of what the fuck is going on with this crisis, because no one really knows how bad it is and Republicans are trying to blame black people. Although, Republicans try to blame black people for everything, so it should be expected. One thing that seems to be definite is that Henry Paulson is a fucking idiot who dropped the ball.

Oh, it seems like just three weeks ago that Paulson told us the world was going to end unless we did exactly what he wanted. Way back in late September, Paulson rejected a “equity injection” plan, which was basically a plan to partially nationalize banks. Many, many economists believed it was the best way to loosen up the credit market. But Hank no likey. Why?

Well, he’s part of the Bush Administration, so you can be certain he will do the wrong thing first. In this case, everything private is awesome and anything public is bad. The market knows what is best and they will sort itself out, blah, blah, blah... “Can we have 700 billion dollars?” The private enterprise is God slogan is what got us into the mess in the first place, but they wanted to keep on keeping on, which didn’t allow for many bailout options.

And of course, if we are talking about the Bush Administration, cronyism and protecting your pals comes first. The Paulson bailout was no different. Paulson began working for a little outfit called Goldman Sachs in 1974. In 1982 he became a partner, followed by Chief Operating Officer in 1994 and finally, CEO in 1998. In 2006, he became Secretary of the Treasury. Since the beginning of this crisis he has done everything possible to make sure his old company, Goldman Sachs, was protected and even made some dough.

First up, he allowed one of Goldman Sachs main competitors to fail. Lehman Brothers was allowed to collapse, because, well, the market has to correct itself and, uh, um…it just was. Deal with it. One week later, the government, in exchange for equity, saved AIG. Please don’t pay attention to the fact that AIG owed Goldman Sachs around $20 billion. And ignore the fact that a Goldman Sachs man was in the room when the AIG bailout was being negotiated.

After the collapse of Lehman, Goldman Sachs was one of only two big investment banks left and people started freaking out, thinking it might be going down too. They started shorting Goldman stock, so Paulson made sure to ban all short selling. Well, that didn’t work – for complicated reasons someone with an amazing artist’s brain, like myself, doesn’t understand. Paulson lifted the ban because it was obviously a bad move and kept asking for $700 billion to buy “toxic assets.” But the explanation of exactly how that would fix the crisis was never clear and was never accepted by most economists. They wanted an equity injection.

Paulson didn't.

Success! Oh, and because an equity injection would cause the value of shares in a company like Goldman Sachs to be diluted. Goldman Sachs would have to issue preferred shares to get the government cash. They’d actually have to take a hit and suffer a bit because of their reckless behavior. Not what Hank wanted. He fucked around for a couple of weeks, as stock markets turned to shit and credit froze. With each passing day, the problem actually became more expensive to fix.

In a climate of fear, Congress passed something very similar to what Paulson wanted. And yet, our economy continued to spiral down the toilet. Something different was obviously needed. I wonder what it could be?

Over the weekend, Hank met with other G-7 leaders to figure out how to stop the bleeding. Apparently, they couldn’t agree on a plan. It seems someone still wanted the free market to save them.

The British took the lead with partial nationalization and Europe followed.

Hmmm. After fucking around for three weeks, doing all he could to help his pals and attempting to jam through his already pathetically eviscerated free market bullshit, Paulson came around.

Hey, welcome to the party, you stupid fucks.

You don’t say. How much do you want to bet if the first name on the line had been Goldman Sachs, we wouldn’t be having this debate? More epic failure brought to you by the idiots in the Bush Administration.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Well, I cannot believe we have survived this far with all of the Asshole Fuckfacery going on. This week, I get to focus on something that has been pointed out in many roundups over the past few months: Republican racism rearing its ugly head more and more as the campaign goes on. Now that Obama has a very high chance of winning the election, the Asshole Fuckface racists are coming out of the woodwork. And much of it is the fault of Asshole Fuckfaces Sarah Palin, John McCain and the scum over at Faux News. Their constant and baseless attacks on ACORN and their blaming the financial meltdown on “minorities” set the stage. Next up came the continuous comments claiming we “don’t know who Obama is.” (Mysterious black man.) And finally, they wrapped it in a bow by stating Obama is “palling around with terrorists.” (Not an activity that white people would indulge in.)

Then the Asshole Fuckface hysteria began to blow up. First, the delightful racism of Bobby May, McCain’s campaign representative in Buchanan County, Virginia. Bobby wrote a column in the local paper. It’s supposed to be a parody. And I’m only highlighting the racist stuff.

Ha ha. Hilarious! Don’t you get it? Obama is BLACK. Hello? All black people act the same and love graffiti.

But Asshole Fuckface racism is not just rampant in the United States of America. England is jumping on board, too.

Dube Egwuatu, a Nigerian immigrant, was buying a cell phone card in a small store, while wearing an Obama T-shirt. Obviously, that is too much for racists. He was confronted by – you’re not going to believe this – a “shaven-headed white man.”

You should probably move to a place where there aren’t any, then. Like Antarctica. Or, Asshole Fuckface Island.

Whitey McAnger then left the store and waited outside. When Dube left the store, he was confronted again.

He moved quickly to his car, but Whitey Asshole Fuckface followed and shot him three times with a pellet gun.

Good times. And we are so not done.

Next up, some good old southern Asshole Fuckface racism.

Wade Williams, 75, from Monroe, Louisiana can’t believe what is happening. A black man is about to become president of the United States and he wants to vote. NOW! When Wade called to inquire why he had not received his voter registration card yet, he was told it would arrive in two weeks. He was also told he could still vote by showing his ID. Not good enough.

Oh, um, that’s not how voting works.

Wade has been charged with terrorizing and being shockingly stupid. Tip for Wade: Take a few downers on November 4th because it’s going to be a bummer.

Finally, there’s a special Asshole Fuckface selection for those who combine teaching and racism.

Greg Howard is a 7th grade teacher in Florida. Already, you can probably see there is going to be a problem. He was teaching the kids about the current election campaign, when he wrote CHANGE on the board. Anyone know what that stands for? Howard wrote it on the board.

Huh. I haven’t seen that on Obama’s literature. Are you sure?

Maybe writing is not the best way to go in this situation. Oh, and thanks for not firing him. I mean, it wasn’t like he did something horrible, right?

That’s because you are worse than he is, Mr. Asshole Fuckface. I'm sure there are no black people in the Adult Education Program.

And finally, the wonderful Christians going to watch their fellow Christian Sarah Palin speak are having problems controlling themselves. Asshole Fuckface Palin has decided it is a good idea to talk shit about the media during her speeches. One problem with this is that the media are all over the arena and some of them are black.

I’m not sure why our media refuses to say what the “racial epithet” was. Maybe it would do great damage to the Christian queen’s image as the angel from the North.

Congrats to all of this week’s Asshole Fuckfaces. Expect this to get worse as we get closer to Election Day and it becomes more and more apparent to the racists that a black man will be in the White House. And expect some sort of violence at some point before November 4th.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

One in ten people in America are silently screaming right now. They’re surrounded by election fever but cannot vote for our next president. They care about our country –– passionately enough to leave their own behind –– but are frozen out of the electoral process.

Aliensvote.net is giving this massive minority a voice. It’s a site where the estimated 29.1 million aliens residing in America can cast a vote. Their votes won’t count in the election, but at least their wishes can be heard. After all, they pay taxes, have homes, businesses, children, and futures here, and contribute to our society in a myriad of ways.

The site’s not been live long, and will remain up until Election Day, but so far, of those who have shared their opinions, 97% are between the ages of 21 and 40, 54% have been in the country between 4 and 11 years, 27% have children here and 31% own homes.

The choices Americans make in November will be felt around the globe, so another site, IfTheWorldCouldVote.com, is giving the rest of the world a chance to select their presidential choice. Of the 167,617 people from 187 countries that have voted so far, 87.3% picked Obama.

Seems like the choice for next president is a no-brainer for the rest of the world –– what puzzles most of the planet is why the poll numbers are so close here at home. Answers on a postcard please, or in the comments section below.

In what may be the most pathetic villain campaign since the War on Christmas, Republicans have picked a new bad guy: the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now. You may know them as ACORN. As you can see in the name, they are community organizers, those horrible people Sarah Palin mocks for trying to help the poor. I’m sure Jesus would hate them, too. ACORN has been busy signing up new voters, which means they are largely poor, minority voters. That means Democrats. That means Republicans have to portray another group working to better our country via democracy as evil.

This recent hate barrage against ACORN started when the press began writing about the huge number of people the group was registering.

So, what to do? Accept that your party is quickly becoming the second fiddle of American politics and adapt to the situation by changing your platform, or attack the people taking part in democracy? Well, if you’re a Republican, the answer is obvious.



Yes, attack the community organizers! And tie in Obama, even though his connection is tenuous at best. So tenuous that it is not even worth discussing.

This isn’t new; Republicans have been after ACORN for years. It’s kind of like watching a CEO beat up a homeless woman. Expect the next month to be filled with attacks from sexual harasser Bill O’Reilly, drug addict Rush Limbaugh and anti-Semite Sean Hannity. Maybe when they are done, they can kick a nun in the face.

ACORN hires low-income people to register other low-income people. They get paid per registration, so you can see how the operation would be susceptible to scumbags looking to make a few bucks without doing any work. It’s the nature of the beast. But, here’s the exciting thing: Fraud such as this does not in anyway effect elections. Why? Because filling out a fake registration cards to make a few bucks does not mean that someone will be voting. It means that person does not exist and therefore cannot vote. You actually have to exist to vote. There have been zero instances of this type of “voter fraud” occurring. This is what the Attorney General scandal is about. The Bush Administration wanted US Attorneys to go after these people, but the prosecutors found zero evidence of fraud and those who refused to prosecute because of the lack of evidence were fired.

That being said, ACORN does everything it can to stop this type of criminal activity. The organization attempts to authenticate every registration submitted by workers but our laws force them to turn in every registration form, whether fraudulent or not. See a problem there? ACORN flags the registration forms they believe are fraudulent, but still, they must turn them in. Then Republicans scream their asses off like a bunch of douchebags, “ACORN is committing voter fraud! They've turned in thousands of fraudulent registration forms!”

John Curley is a douchebag. Deep down he knows that and it causes him internal pain. Hopefully he works that out before he dies. It’s really wretched stupidity and an affront to Democracy. Our system was set up to deal with these sorts of occurrences.

No shit? Who would have known? This is exactly what happened in Nevada this week. The Vegas chapter of ACORN was about to have a potluck dinner (elitists) to celebrate signing up 80,000 new voters, when they were raided.

Let’s see. Getting my calculator out here. 80,000, 300, uh…that’s .3%. Holy shit! Put them in jail! And ignore the fact that the system is set up to catch problems like this! And ignore the fact that 79,700 people were legally registered by this group. And ignore the fact that ACORN was forced to submit those forms BY LAW and flagged them as fraudulent!

Yes, raid a community organization that is cooperating with you. That’s some quality law enforcement. And, hey, as a by-product, there’s no good news in the papers about 80,000 new registrants. What a shock. But there are a few tidbits indicating law enforcement officials knew this was a case of individual fraud and not the entire organization.

Now, Republicans will explain this was not a partisan attack because the Nevada Secretary of State and Attorney General are Democrats. Uh huh.

The US Attorney’s Office –– here we are, back at the Republican machine and the root cause of the Attorney General Scandal. The scandal in which employees of the White House still refuse to honor Congressional subpoenas.

This vilifying of community organizations has led to heinous voter ID laws in states like Indiana and massive Republican intimidation at the polls. Republicans will use ACORN to cause chaos at the polls and challenge voters when they show up. Because what ACORN has done is reprehensible, while Republicans around the country do what is right.

Thank God they care, or those .003% of registration cards flagged by ACORN would have gotten through and people who lost their homes in Michigan would be able to vote.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

For years I have listened to right wing lunatics, like Rush Limbaugh, describe a liberal who does not exist. Right wing radio is full of non-stop blathering about what Liberals think and say, usually without documentation of any sort. Basically, the right wing has created a Frankenstein type monster, made of up liberal parts. It is the Frankenliberal and it serves one function: To keep the right wing hordes afraid and active, always working against their common enemy.

The Frankenliberal wants to abort all babies three days before they are born, and then toss them in dumpsters. He wants to lose the war because he hates the troops and loves the Iraqis. He wants to hug and talk to al Qaeda, instead of fight them. He hates America. He lives to slander America. He will do anything to make sure the Palestinians destroy Israel. He wants to teach sex education to children. He wants gays to be able to have sex anywhere, anytime and probably in front of children. He believes that most people are stupid and should be cared for at all times. He wants the government to do everything, except go to war. He thinks illegal immigrants should be able to do whatever they want. His taxes can’t be high enough. He has no morality. He is a socialist. He hates all religion, but especially Christianity. He wants to take away everyone’s guns. He wants to discriminate against whites to help minorities. He hates all rich people and wealth.

On and on the list goes. If you are a liberal, think of the most insane position you can, and Limbaugh has probably told his audience that's what you believe. That's all they do on AM radio.

O'Reilly

Hawkins.

Limbaugh.

Savage.

On and on they go. Blah blah blah, day after day. Never mind that this person they so fear does not exist. They’ve taken some random person’s opinion here and some random person’s opinion there and placed them altogether in the Frankenliberal; a giant, scary monster to terrify their right wing audiences. And it’s very effective.

But there is no liberal politician that holds those beliefs. You won’t find one. The collection of accusations is so insane or fantastical it is amazing anyone actually believes it. Of course, that appears to not be true for the right wing. They appear to have found a person who embodies the most frightening ideas the left can conjure up: Sarah Palin.

Over and over again, I have heard right-wingers say they love Palin because she makes liberals crazy. Wow, great reason to support a candidate. You must be proud. Of course, they have their own beliefs explaining why we hate Palin.

The right wing blogs are littered with that kind of simplistic and juvenile thinking. But I won’t disagree with them on this point: I am scared shitless of Palin ever becoming president, because she is the Frankenright-winger. She is the exact opposite of everything I believe – to an extreme.

She believes we are fighting a religious war in Iraq.

She doesn’t believe in abortion, even in cases of rape or incest.

She wants to expand the powers of the Vice Presidency.

She does not believe man is responsible for global warming.

She received a church blessing to keep her safe from “witchcraft.”

She believes in religion over science.

She was raised in a church that takes the book of Revelations literally and believes the endtimes will come during our lifetime.

She puts special interests (Oil) before the environment and sound science.

She believes in book banning.

She tried to have the polar bear removed from the endangered species list.

I mean, come on, the fucking polar bear. She is literally the right wing lunatic we fear in our worst dreams. A religious lunatic who appears to make decisions based on what she thinks God wants and seems to have an aversion to any book that is not The Bible. After years of running around making shit up about what liberals believe and what they don’t’, the right wing has chosen a woman who is cartoonishly conservative. And it is quickly becoming a major anchor in their campaign.

Imagine if the Democrats had chosen an equally extreme candidate? The right wing would be losing their minds. That Frankenliberal they so love to talk about has never, and will never, be chosen as a Democratic candidate, mostly because he’s not real. But also because the Democratic Party wouldn’t stand for a lunatic as their VP. Unfortunately, the right wing nuts seem to be using liberal’s fear of Palin to continue to Frankenliberal myth. On and on it goes….

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

If to err is human, then Joe Biden, a.k.a. the human gaffe machine, is a super human. He loves to talk to just about any one. Generally this is considered a good quality since it makes people like you, however, the problem with Biden is that his mouth seems to work a little faster than his brain, a phenomenon that can lead to some spectacular blunders. Take for example this little gem C-Span picked up where Biden says “You cannot go to a 7-11 or Dunkin Donuts unless you have a slight Indian Accent."



Wow that’s a pretty stupid and slightly racist slip up; even if his intentions were good he should have realized that that sounds pretty fucked up. That incident was from a while back, but since taking the vice presidential nomination Biden has made some clear mistakes. The first major gaff was on August 27, and was duly reported by The Hill.

Sure this was a small mistake but then on September 3 Biden made the same mistake once again:



Hmmm, isn’t he supposed to be a big foreign policy expert who knows his military stuff? How come he still has a hard time figuring out if it’s a matter of battalions or brigades? Although, to be fair, two days before, he didn’t even know if he was running for President or Vice President according to CBS.

Seems Biden mistakes titles all the time. On September 4 Biden called Sarah Palin a Lt. Governor when in fact she is the Governor.



Biden also seems confused about his own positions on issues. On September 17 Biden contradicted himself while talking about clean coal (a very important issue in Pennsylvania):

Here's the video of the exchange.



Then on September 21 Biden called himself “a hard-coal miner” even though he opposes coal. In fact it was his grandfather who was the closest thing his family had to a miner (he was a mining engineer). Hmmm, so a person that is against the use of coal (even clean coal) whose only tie to the coal industry is through his grandfather is all of a sudden a hard-coal miner? I wonder how that worked out?

Biden has a signature style of slip-up, saying something that sounds good at first, but then, as your brain processes his confused syntax, you realize how retarded his statement really was. Here's an example from September 20 which was reported by ABC

I'm not bad with it. So give me a break. Give me a break[i/] –– if that isn’t an out of nowhere comment I have no idea what is.

It also seems Biden could have done better during his own Katie Couric interview. First off, he said that his own campaign ad criticizing John McCain's computer use was "terrible," see video:



It’s generally not a good idea to call your own campaign ads terrible (that's what the other guys are supposed to do). Also, in the same interview, he clearly shows he failed his US History class when he said:

Correct me if I'm wrong but, I always thought it was Hoover that was president in 1929 when the stock market crashed and not Roosevelt, not to mention the television wasn’t even invented yet.



This is just a small look at the gaffes that Biden has made so far; Until Biden is cured of his foot in mouth syndrome I doubt these will be the last. On the other hand, though gaffes can be funny, they're a poor way to judge a person –– its better to judge someone for what they have acomplished and stand for.

Louis, by the grace of God, King of France and Navarre, to all US citizens, greeting from the year 1708:



You might wonder why I am writing this article - I, the Sun King, symbol of absolute royal power, and certainly anything but an advocate of democracy. But my position, as well as my long experience as a statesman, may give me a somewhat outside view of how you handle democracy in the States. And let me tell me you, you’re doing it wrong. Not all of you, but one third of you US citizens.

Don’t misunderstand me; I’m not questioning democracy itself. Personally I’m not a big fan of giving the power to the people, but that’s not the question here. You wanted the power, you got it, and you are proud of it. You call it “freedom,” but please, those of you who are not sure whether you will vote on November 4, tell me one thing:

Did you really think that power comes without duty?

In my kingdom, all power is concentrated on my person. I didn’t ask for it; I was born into this job. But I have the power, and with the power comes the duty to use it. And believe me, absolute power is hard work. All evening I sit at my desk reading documents, folders, reports, maps, history books, acts, letters, legislative proposals, and I make decisions – sometimes hard decisions, difficult decisions, cruel decisions. Do you think revoking the Edict of Nantes was an easy decision? Do you think making France a European superpower was easy?

I often have to decide between a bad thing and another bad thing. Take the War of the Spanish Succession: In 1701, I had to choose between loosing Spain and going to war. I didn’t like either of these options, but a decision had to be made. I decided to go to war. Was it a good decision? I don’t know. But I had to decide.

Sometimes I’m tired of making decisions. Sometimes I would like to abandon this job. But I can’t. It’s my duty, the duty God gave me, my duty for France. The duty that comes with power.

What do you think would happen if I neglected this duty? If I did nothing? There is no need to speculate over this question – all you have to do is to open a French history book at a chapter on Louis XVI, my grand-grand-grand-grandson. He did nothing. He waited for history to happen without his intervention.

And history did happen – it steamrolled him. You all know what begun in 1789: The French Revolution, the end of the monarchy and the prelude to the reign of terror of Robespierre. Whereas I personally regret the end of the Ancient Régime, I don’t really feel bad about the fact that Louis XVI was beheaded – he deserved it. The only thing I regret is that he wasn’t beheaded in a slower, more painful way. When I meet him in afterlife, the first question I will ask him will be:

Did you really think that power comes without duty?

Of course, absolute monarchy is certainly not the only way to rule a country. Look at my kingdom’s neighbour, the Holy Roman Empire – what later will be known as Germany. Ever since the Peace of Westphalia, the Emperor has been bound to the decisions of the Council of Princes (Reichstag). Furthermore, he is not crowned by the grace of god, but elected by prince-electors. (At least in theory, as in fact the House of Habsburg has secured succession since the 15th century.) What would happen if a new Emperor needed to be elected if most of the prince-electors were too lazy to vote? It would be a mess. The Emperor would be elected by two or three random electors – no, not exactly random electors, but the most fanatical or ambitious prince-electors. You can imagine what kind of Emperor they would elect. And the other prince-electors who didn’t use their power to elect a wise and reasonable Emperor would then have to consider that same question:

Did you really think that power comes without duty?

In your time, prince-electors and Sun Kings are history. In many countries, the power is in the hands of the people – in your hands. You asked for it, you got it, and you are proud of it. But what do you do with it? Use it and go vote? Or throw it away, stay on your chaise longue, drink chocolate and watch your television apparatus too see who is elected by some random people? Your opinion is not required for every political decision – that would be a mess – and I’m sure you often are not happy with the decisions. But once in a while, on Election Day, you are asked for your opinion. Do you answer? Did you on last election?

In 2004, the voter turnout in the US was only 64%. That means, one out of three US Citizens was too lazy to vote! Seriously, people! Can you imagine one out of three prince electors not voting? Can you imagine me leaving one out of three decisions to random? That’s ridiculous! A state led by such lazy people would turn into a mess before long – as France did in 1789.

If you don’t give your opinion when you are asked for it, you can’t blame politicians for not doing what you would like them to do later on. If I don’t care who conducts the royal string orchestra, I can’t complain about the music. If I don’t care who's appointed court chef, I can’t complain about the food. If I don’t care who gets the Superintendent of Finance gig, I can’t complain if the treasury is empty. It’s the same with politics: If you don’t care who rules your country, you can’t complain if they do a bad job. In other words: Either you get your ass off the chaise longue, put your wig on and go vote – or you shut up and don’t complain about politics for the next four years!

If you wait for history to happen without your intervention, it may steamroll you and your family, as it steamrolled Louis XVI and his family – and you won’t have the right to complain, because it will be you who will not have stopped it. It will be your fault.

Maybe you don’t like any of the candidates. Maybe it’s like losing Spain or starting a war. But a decision has to be made – and there's no king to decide for you. The king is gone - you chased him off in 1776. Now it’s your turn to decide.

So it’s not only your right to vote – it’s your duty. And don’t complain! The whole voting thing wasn’t my idea – certainly not! It was yours. You asked for power. You got it. Now you have to live with it.

Did you really think that power comes without duty?

Given at Versailles in the month of October, in the year of grace 1708, and of our reign the sixty sixth.

Picking Asshole Fuckfaces is not easy. It can be quite stressful and, in my case, has led to the end of 16 marriages. So, to help with the stress, every Thursday night I grab a soak at my local public hot tub joint. I sit, with several other naked dudes, enjoying the hotness of the water and the occasional bubble. Last night was special because David Brooks joined me in the liquid warmth. He quietly and calmly explained his opinions on the Vice Presidential debate and when he was done, I looked him in the eyes and said, “You do realize you are one of the biggest Asshole Fuckfaces of all time, right?” David then turned his back to me, which is weird when you are two guys in a hot tub. I told him his behavior would not change my decision. He wept.

For this Asshole Fuckface Roundup, I have to take you through David's summary of the VP debate. He is the sole Asshole Fuckface of the week. Let’s start with his love of the walk.

One wonders why she even had to continue with the debate at that point, it was such an exceptional walk. One also wonders how a columnist could pen that sentence and not follow it up by immediately downing a shot of whiskey, picking up a revolver and sending a slug though his brain.

Sadly, the sentence was not complete.

Boom! You've been first-named. Welcome to second place, bitch!

I’m glad David brought up the glory of the assertive salesman. I, for one, when greeted by a first-naming, assertive salesman, will bow down and struggle not to address him as, “My Lord.” First naming is a shocking example of leadership that is rarely seen in this world. Obviously, legends will be told and songs will be sung about this epic Palin moment.

Oooo, I’m on the edge of my seat. Can the governor of a state complete a sentence? We all wondered so, in this tense moment after the power walk and first-naming. Obviously, we had all forgotten about our group orgasm just one month ago, when she gave the greatest speech since Reagan at the RNC.

Exactly! And that is what we so desire in a leader! Someone who talks like Lou the mechanic or Linda the waitress. We don’t want someone to talk down to us, like they know stuff, or have an education. Keep it simple. That is exactly what a writer in the New York Times, the most respected American newspaper of all time, should hope for. He, of all people, shouldn’t hope for an elevation of intellectual speech or ideas.

Yes! Norman Rockwell was probably as simple as his paintings. When he was painting, he probably spoke out loud, “Dog pulling down pants.” “Boy doesn’t like dentist.” “He’s eating corn.” Rockwell certainly didn’t enjoy a robust conversation, as much as he loved simplistic phrases meant to touch the lowest baseline of our intellect. And comparing Norman to Sarah Palin is very appropriate because he created so many paintings about 15 year old girls being raped and having to keep the baby because abortion was illegal. Good old Norman.

I do love a “never-ending flow of words.” Of course, I call it “babbling,” but I think we are on the same page. And I was warmed by her fearlessness, which was especially evident by her repeated, and often distracting, reading of her cue cards. And I completely agree with David that her bemusement was a delightful quality. When people ask me what I look for in a presidential candidate, I always say, “Strength, honor, honesty, knowledge and lots o’ bemusement.”

Bemused
A adjective
1 baffled, befuddled, bemused, bewildered, confounded, confused, lost, mazed, mixed-up, at sea.

Yes, there is no greater quality to look for in the possible leader of a nation.

Please. Thank you. We out here in America are so tired of candidates with their “I’m so serious about the financial meltdown, Iraq, terrorism, health care and immigration” nonsense. Lighten it up. Give us a smile. Act bemused. This is the highest position in our country she could have, after all. Turn that frown upside down. At the very least, after talking about your dead child and wife, give us a wink. It’s “folksy!”

THANK YOU! I never thought anyone would make this obvious point! Look, in 1984, we were all in suits. It was WAY before casual Fridays. Casual Fridays basically changed America. Up until that point we wanted a female leader who was pretty darn serious, but after casual Fridays were introduced, we realized we just wanted a lady who says, “Gosh darn it” a lot. Same with “boxers or briefs.” Don’t get me started on “boxers or briefs” and how that has changed America! I’m going to save it for the book!

And how. She made a really big house out of not having done a whole lot in her life. That’s called leadership, for those of you keeping track.

We’ve been waiting for some brave soul to take on an entire coast of the United States. And here she is, our brave soul from the Northwest, condescending and ridiculing an entire coast. Brava! And she’s not afraid to use peoples FIRST NAMES! Honestly, I’ve never seen anything like it. It was “relentlessly clear” when she called Senator Biden “Joe” that she was from another place that is NOT on the East Coast.

Relentlessly
A adverb
1: Showing or promising no abatement of severity, intensity, strength, or pace.

It’s not often you see someone being relentless with just one sentence, but Palin did so. And that is what we need in a leader; non-stop, intense first-naming and coast attacking. You've been served, Joe. And large percentage of Americans.

So true. Those of us who live in the “hammock states” are now tremendously excited about Sarah Palin. My father, who only wears Vans, a loose T-shirt and Baja shorts, could not be more impressed.

Thank the sweet Lord! Throughout this entire presidential campaign, I’ve been waiting for someone to stand up, hoist a thumb over their shoulder and say, “What the heck is that?” at the past 8 years. Cause seriously, what is it? You tell me, because I don’t know. All I know is it is a bit curious and now somebody speaks for me on the subject.

Ding. Ding. Ding. Hello? How was this not discussed at length by the “pundits?” Do you know how many letters are in that name? It’s really, really hard and Sarah just said it. After she said his name, I looked at my wife and said, “She totally said that better than McCain.” My wife nodded. That’s the kind of stuff we care about. We’re Americans and we want the VP to be able to pronounce names better than the president.

Yes. And that is why John McCain should be elected president, because we are furious with Washington! We’ve had it with all of their old Washington ways! We want new fresh blood and that fresh blood’s name is McCain!

Kudos, David Brooks, Asshole Fuckface of the year. The fact that an individual writing for the New York Times could write such tripe and not be a cutter is amazing. Brooks is the ultimate example of where our country has gone wrong. The New York Times should be where we go to read intellectual opinions based not just in fact, but in reality. Brooks just created a reality where none existed. His facts are actually hopes, hopes that there is something where there is clearly nothing. The man has no shame and no respect for or understanding of the history of the newspaper for which he writes. And that’s a big deal, considering the last eight years and the current state of our country. It's nonsense like this that lead to George Bush, the Iraq War and the current economic meltdown. It's dangerous stupidity.

So, David Brooks is the sole Asshole Fuckface of the week.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Canada's federal Leaders Debate has never seen a talk like this before. In a debate first, the official Leaders Debates (held October 1 in French and October 2 in English) were changed from a podium setup to a roundtable format. While this decision was partially motivated by space concerns after Elizabeth May, Leader of the Green Party, was confirmed as a participant, it made for an interesting discussion, actual personal replies, and -- at times -- more academic conversations, rather than country club cat fights.

For my own personal first, I live-blogged the English debate, and am here to offer you summaries of each party leader's performance –– y'know, because most of you were busy watching Biden and Palin.

Elizabeth May, Green Party - Winner
No one went into the debate with more hype than Elizabeth May, with the first few days of this election campaign centering around the question of her inclusion. In the French debate, May proved herself capably bilingual, and came off as a spunky -- if eccentric -- leader with a passion for her party's platform. In the English debate, May looked more the part of a political leader, and with excellent timing and delivery got in several bombs, including repeated queries directed at Stephen Harper about his as-yet nonexistent platform. She also championed election reform favouring proportional representation. However, her aptitude at speaking unscripted was known before the debate, while Dion's performance was more a surprise. Ultimately, May proved the Green party is here to stay in Canada.

Stephane Dion, Liberal - A Close Second
Surprising viewers, the little beanpole that could proved himself a true party leader and an actual force with an earnest platform in both the French and English debates. English has never been Dion's strong point, but he paced himself well, encountered few difficulties with vocabulary, and got his point across. Support for Dion leaped up several percentage points after the French debate, and it's likely to increase again in the next poll.

Jack Layton, New Democratic Party
Jack Layton's fear of Elizabeth May before the debate was obvious and expected, considering that the Greens' rise has resulted in fewer NDP supporters. Near the beginning of the English debate, however, he agreed with Elizabeth May several times, hinting at a possible future -- many, many years down the road -- with a Green-NDP alliance. Unfortunately, Layton is at best an average speaker, and won no points with his vague answers today.

Stephen Harper
If Canada's controversial incumbent proved anything in these debates, it is his unwavering ability to unite people against him. In both debates, but especially the English, the four other leaders tag-teamed, hitting Harper with snide remarks and attacks one after another. Meanwhile, the Ice King of Canada attempted to restrain himself, teach his facial muscles to smile, and perfect his family-man-who-wears-sweater-vests image. He really didn't succeed, and the fact that he takes credit for government achievements made before his time and fails to produce a party platform keeps him from (everyone's feared) world domination.

Gilles Duceppe - Bloc Quebecois
Well, Gilles Duceppe is nothing if not honest. In today's English debate he was quick to admit that he will never be Canada's Prime Minister, insisting that no one at the table but Stephen Harper would. Duceppe may be right about his political glass ceiling, but his passion for the arts and Quebec, as well as his vast knowledge of political facts and figures, does prove why he still leads the Bloc.

The first of one vice presidential debates will be held tonight in Saint Louis, Missouri. Most expect it to be a spectacular failure of the candidate they don’t like. The right wing has convinced itself that Joe Biden is a terrible debater and the left have convinced themselves that Sarah Palin is an idiot. While Palin is obviously an idiot, she has managed to harness her idiocy and use it as a positive in previous debates. And Joe likey to talky.

First I will start with Biden. The knock on Biden is he talks too much and is too "spontaneous."

That’s an example the press has chosen to show Biden at his worst. Please don’t pay attention to the fact that everything he said is true. Biden knows his shit, more than almost any other Senator. He’s been around for a long time, debated hundreds of times and will probably produce a sound bite. Here’s the biggest problem with the “Biden talks too much” criticism. Where did he talk too much? In presidential debates with several other candidates onstage. The point was to stand out from the herd, using your personality and your smarts. It’s completely different than this debate. He’s not trying to stand out, just be better than Palin. All he has to do is stick to the facts and appear presidential. Not hard.

There is fear he will come across as a dick against Palin. He has been practicing against Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm, who has a vagina. But this debate is not constructed so that the candidates can speak to each other. They are very restricted by time and will speak to the moderator. Oh, and Obama and Biden are ahead. He has no incentive to be a dick. You know when people are dicks? When they are behind. Just take a look at last week’s McCain Obama debate. McCain spent the entire time attacking and he suffered because of it. Expect the same out of Palin, not Biden.

That’s one of the reasons Biden will win this debate. Palin has to attack and that’s very bad news for her. People don't want attacks, they want information. She is in the worst possible position. She doesn’t offer up specifics in a time when people are craving specifics. Her rise in Alaskan politics came during a time when all was well. Nobody was freaking out about the economy and foreign policy does not matter in governor’s races. Take a look at what one of her recent opponents said:

Well, that’s not true. Her greatest skill has already been taken away from her. Over the past month, she has had a couple of interviews that have shown a spotlight on her inability to be specific and produce facts. This is now considered to be her greatest weakness, but at the same time considered to be her best debating skill. She'll do it, and it will be mocked endlessly until the next McCain Obama debate. Good luck with that.

Very much so, dummy. That’s the last thing people in the US are looking for right now. The big knock on both McCain and Obama from last weeks’ debate was that they did not offer enough specifics on the economic meltdown. Now she is going to offer up an entire debate of fluff. Her base will love it. The rest of America will grow more concerned at her lack of substance.

The big difference between her run for governor and her run for vice president is that the media and everyone else is looking for her to produce nothing. The sharks are in the water, smelling blood and that blood is the vacant words that come from Palin’s mouth. I would expect a few follow-ups by Gwen Ifill, attempting to get Palin to be more specific, but she will continue to dodge. Against the specifics of Biden, she will look vacant and, worst of all, like a female George Bush.

And that brings me to Sir Alex Ferguson, manager of Manchester United Football Club. Ferguson is the master of getting into other manager’s heads and the referees, as well. Just last week, when the Red Devils were preparing to play the Bolton Wanderers, Ferguson said a particular Bolton player deserved his reputation as the dirtiest player in the Premier League. This does two things: It gets inside the players head and effects his normal play on the field and it gets inside the referees head, unconsciously making him scrutinize the player more. The conservatives are doing that with the moderator as I write.

Ifill has a book coming out called, The Breakthrough: Politics and Race in the Age of Obama. The right wing is claiming she is biased and should not be moderating the debate.



Wow, that’s really biased, huh? It’s called straight up journalism and the right wing wouldn’t know it if it crawled into their ass and opened a Starbucks. Turns out one can write a book about the rise of a new type of minority politician and not have it be an endorsement of a candidate. The right wing minions are falling for it and are frothing at the mouth.

This isn’t about the truth; it’s about setting the playing field. It's straight out of the Ferguson playbook. Ifill will be affected by the attacks, whether they are true or not. Her professionalism and impartiality is at stake and there is nothing more important to a quality journalist. So, I would not expect her to be as tough as she would have been three days ago. Chalk that up as a victory for the right wing.

I wouldn’t expect this debate to be a game changer. Palin will appeal to idiots with her non-answer answers. Biden will appeal to people with intelligence, who can handle a complex thought. This is a debate that will pull on people’s deepest instincts. Do you want someone smart to take care of you, or do you want someone warm and comforting?

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Ahead of tomorrow evening's vice presidential debate, some kind soul has just posted footage on YouTube of lamb-to-the-slaughter Sarah Palin doing the thing she does best: playing the flute.

Before you get too excited, she really is just playing the flute, and badly at that, but she still seems more competent at blowing hot air across the opening of a long hard instrument than anything else we've recently seen her do.

Looking forward to your comments below. Please, don't hold back.

Fine election season apparel for the kids.












Thanks to Phil Gough of Common Sense for the inspiration.

I have to say it is pure joy to watch Sarah Palin’s political career peak and turn to dust in a matter of weeks. It’s actually hard to believe just 27 days ago Sarah Palin stepped on stage at the Republican National Convention and tickled the GOP’s balls. Holy shit, were they excited. It was almost like Jesus had come back in hot housewife form. And to be honest, they should have been excited because they finally had someone on their ticket who was alive.

But those days are over. Sarah Palin was awesome when nobody knew anything about her, but now she is a horrifying prospect. The blame obviously lays at John McCain’s feet for not vetting her and allowing the Christian Right to force a pathetic VP on him. The lack of vetting led to a couple of amazing weeks of information.

First we learned she kills moose. That is, of course, awesome and would be really important if we were some sort of Donner Party stuck in the Alaskan wilderness. Unfortunately, we are a country and killing moose is tragically unimportant. We then learned many other things about Sarah.

She lied about saying “no, but no thanks” to Congress about the “Bridge to Nowhere.” She left the tiny city of Wasilla with an insanely large $22 million debt. She was raised in a gay hating, tongue speaking, witch-stopping church. She tried to ban books. She abused her power by firing town employees without reason. She attempted to have her ex-brother-in-law fired from his law enforcement position and then fired the guy who wouldn’t fire him. She is against abortion in cases of rape and incest. She was mayor when the police chief began charging rape victims for their rape kits. She lied about visiting Ireland. She did not own a passport until 2006. She did not leave the country until 2007. She thinks being near Russia makes her important. It's like an idiot buffet.

Then came the interviews. First Charlie Gibson.



It is generally believed reporters should not have to explain basic facts to vice presidential candidates. She came across as someone who did not know what she was talking about. Mostly because she did not know what she was talking about.

The next interview was with Katie Couric.



She’s gonna bring ‘em to ya!



Russia's right next to her state –– a mere 58 miles across a body of water.



It’s got to be all about job creation!

And she’s not even drunk, like George Bush. That’s just how her brain works. Of course, conservatives began to freak out once they really got a good look at how her brain works. David Brooks wrote...

And now they are beginning to push for her to leave the ticket. The Conservative columnist Kathleen Parker didn’t hold back.

The National Review’s Kathryn Jean Lopez doesn’t think it’s such a bad idea.

But it’s not going to happen. McCain has completely blown it. The election will be over Thursday night at 7:30 PST. At this point, both Biden and the moderator will try to catch Palin with a subject she doesn’t know about. Based on what we are seeing, it won’t be hard. The only way to get out of this mess is to replace Palin before Thursday, but that would also destroy McCain’s campaign, for three reasons.

* Destroys base morale.
* No obvious alternative.
* McCain has overplayed the “game-changer” card.

Welcome to the no-win Palin meltdown. Palin was like a Trojan horse with a thermo-nuclear device inside. McCain could have had a slim shot at the White House without her, but with her, he’s fucking toast.

And I'd like to personally thank Republicans for not choosing Romney, because if he had, Democrats would lose this election. With the current economic crisis, Romney would be talking circles around Obama.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Yesterday the first volleys were fired by the religious Right against the IRS code that prohibits churches from endorsing candidates from pulpit.

Source

In 1954 Congress amended the tax code to prohibit certain non-profit groups from intervening in a political campaign involving candidates. The provision allows the IRS to strip the offending church of their tax-exempt status.

The Associated Press reported that "...33 pastors in 22 states were to make pointed recommendations about political candidates Sunday, an effort orchestrated by the Arizona-based Alliance Defense Fund." This effort was premeditated and well thought out.

So what exactly was said from the pulpits on Sunday? Did it really violate federal law? Most definitely.

It is sad to see that the Republicans have now resorted organized violations of Federal law in order to win this election. Just when you thought the playing field could not get any more dirty the Right pulls this.

So do these pastors have a chance of fulfilling their goals? Not likely with the current lineup of SCOTUS Justices. Robert Tuttle, a professor of law and religion at George Washington University, said there's "virtually no chance" courts will strike down the prohibition. However if McCAin does pull off his perceived Hail Mary play and wins in November the current line-up on the Supreme Court is sure to change.

Not all religious institutions are pleased with the battle lines being drawn. If there is a wholesale revocation of the IRS tax code as it relates to churches many institutions will have to give up programs and services that benefit the community.

My only hope is that these churches will not succeed and that the organizers will be brought up on Federal conspiracy charges.

Image © Austin Cline; Original Poster: Nazi Propaganda