Turncoat Senator Joe Lieberman walked from a Senate hearing today with his most prized committee chairmanships intact, dodging punishment for campaigning for John McCain and publicly criticizing eventual winner Barack Obama in the 2008 presidential race.

With punishment like that, he'll be sure to reform his wayward ways...

One wonders if the Democratic leadership thinks they will win enough contested seats to have a filibuster proof 60 vote majority, and if Lieberman would be the 60th vote. We will see how Joe returns the favor.

It’s time for America to get its bailout on again. Detroit has turned into a giant bag of ass and we need to do something about it. They want 25 billion. I say we give it to them. Why? Because I’m a socialist? Nope. Because we are heading toward a deep, deep recession and the last thing we need is to lose 3 million jobs.

So, we can pay for it with a bailout, or pay for it in unemployment insurance, welfare and an increase in crime.

Oh, I know. The car companies are complete fuck ups. No argument here. While the right wing continues its rant that this is the fault of unions, I’m going to actually go with the facts. The mistakes of the auto companies were made at the top. They were made by throwing their weight behind cars like the Hummer, while Toyota was going with the Prius. While Detroit was cranking out Explorers and Escalades, Japan was whipping out the Civic Hybrid. Most of us crazy liberals just sat back watching the retarded actions of both government and the auto companies with depressed amusement. Yeah, I wrote “government.” Bush is very responsible for the current state of the auto industry because he gave massive tax breaks to people buying Hummers and refused to up standards. What we are seeing now is the result of a fantastically shortsighted and heinous energy policy. But, then, what has Bush touched that has not turned into a flaming pile of shit?

Our retarded Republican friends would like everyone to think the auto companies are in this position because of unions. Uh huh. Right. The workers are at fault for the collapse of the company. That’s usually how it works. Please ignore the facts.

The horrible, horrible union has done its part to save the company, so shut the fuck up, you incredible idiots. The estimated cost of health care for each GM car is $1,500. Considering most other countries have universal health care, our auto industry is starting in a hole, which just happens to coincide with the profit difference.



But, the right wing is against health care, so we can’t do that. And we can’t have unions. And we can’t save the car companies with a bail out. Sorry, we just have to let ‘em fold and put 3 million Americans out of work. Then we will not pass an extension for unemployment and they will have to become criminals to survive. Then we will put them in jail where they belong. Fucking criminal assholes.

Automobile companies are in bad shape because they made bad choices. They went for the short sighted big buck, the one that would make them the most in the moment, you know, like all those financial companies we just bailed out. Except, the car company’s actions were stupid instead of criminal. And now they are getting hammered by…right, the credit problem – which was created by a lack of regulation on Wall Street. Companies like GM survive on credit. They need it to pay the companies that produce the parts they use to make cars. With no credit, the whole thing collapses. And it’s the reason we can’t allow GM to declare bankruptcy.

GM won't be able to file Chapter 11.

Sweet. Total liquidation. That should be awesome for any future wars we have to fight. We don’t need those companies to produce equipment for our forces or anything.

What everyone also seems to be missing are Detroit’s advances. The companies are actually turning the corner, and in some cases possibly moving ahead of Japan.

No bailout means kissing the Volt and possibly its technology good bye.

Sounds awesome. The Volt has been in development for a decade, so let’s toss it out the window. It’s totally what we need with peak oil staring us in the face and companies like Tesla falling apart because of the credit crunch.

Or, you know, we could go with the “free market” plan. Let’s see how that would play out.

Sweet. There’s your free market at work. I’m sure the right wing would love our car companies and their technology being owned by the Chinese. Right? Hello?

The bailout needs to happen, but unlike the idiotic one we just gave to Wall Street, it should come with strings. First, fire every asshole working at the top of these companies. Get ‘em out. They are idiots and have been fighting against regulation and EPA standards that would have pushed them in the direction of profitability today. Fuck ‘em. Bring in someone who is innovative and has actually made a lot of money, like a Bill Gates or a Steve Jobs. Make standards and new regulations part of the bailout deal. We have been at a political standstill for years because of the many lawmakers beholden to automakers and their employees. Now it is time to get what should have been done years ago done.

Of course, the right sees this as a way to destroy one of America’s most powerful unions, so they are against it. You’ll see a lot of the assholes who voted for the Wall Street bailout saying this is a bad idea because they want to kill the union. They are okay losing 3 million jobs for ideology. Meanwhile, they can’t handle the idea of universal healthcare and love spending shitloads of money in Iraq. They are amazing idiots. If you support the Iraq War and all it has cost, yet argue against a bailout, please explain to me why I shouldn’t be able to shit down your throat. Because I don’t see any difference between you and a toilet.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

It looks likely that Sen. Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) will have to face the music this Tuesday. That's when there will be a secret vote amongst Republican senators, led by Jim DeMint (R-South Carolina), to decide if Stevens should be kicked out of the Republican caucus, effectively making him a man without a party while stripping him of all committee assignments and party votes.

Such a vote would also signal party willingness to eject Stevens, the longest-serving Republican senator in history and patriarch of Alaska politics who was convicted last month on seven felony charges for making false statements, from the Senate altogether.

Stevens' only salvation from this humiliation would be to lose the race to his Democratic opponent, which would make those votes moot and thus less likely to happen. Stevens is currently losing by 1,022 votes but more remain to be counted.

We should know by the end of Tuesday. It looks increasingly likely that Stevens is done, one way or the other. If so, Begich would bring the number of Democratic senators to 58, very close to the magic number of 60 required to overturn Republican filibusters.

Asshole Fuckface Roundup. You’ve been waiting one whole week to read those sweet, sweet words. And now here they are, staring you right in the face. I know, you’re excited and a bit nervous. That’s what happens when we learn about the worst human beings on Earth. We know it will bring us both joy and misery. That’s the crazy contrast that is the round up. But you will read. Oh, will you read. So, wrap yourself in your favorite used parachute, because this is going to be ugly.

First up, some wonderful Asshole Fuckfacery from the L. Ron Hubbard peeps.

A Sydney woman in her early twenties was having some mental health issues in 2006. A psychiatrist diagnosed her with a “psychotic illness” and recommended a course of treatment. That’s where the Scientology thing became a problem.

I bet this is going to work out great!

Oops. I can’t believe they couldn’t get all those Thetans out of her. This is really confusing. They totally got their Tom Cruise on and it didn't work.

Put one win in the Scientology victory column. They saved that poor girl from psychiatry.

Next up, a little Ku Klux Klan Asshole Fuckfacery.

We can always count on the KKK to be horrible, but this is spectacular. Last week, Cynthia Charlotte Lynch, 43, of Tulsa went down to Louisiana to join the Sons of Dixie, also known as the DixiTards. She met the group through the Internet.

Apparently they have a difficult initiation and Cynthia was not down with it – even though it sounds awesome.

At some point, Cynthia decided running around in the woods and shaving her head was kinda lame. She decided to leave. The Sons of Dixie leader, Raymond "Chuck" Foster, 44, was not down with Cynthia leaving. I mean, they had spent all that time shaving her head and chasing her around in the woods, so it was pretty unreasonable. Cynthia and Chuck argued. Then he pushed her to the ground and shot her.

Was the awesome stupidity over yet? Fuck no. These guys are epic Asshole Fuckfaces.

Hey, do you have a bucket for holding human brains and a body buryin' shovel?

Aw. They probably didn’t even get to play dress up.

Next up, Mormons instill Asshole Fuckfacery in their spawn.

Madison County, Idaho is a Mormon hotbed of Mormonness. There are talking salamanders and weird underwear everywhere. In 2004, 92 percent of the votes in Madison went to George Bush. Rexburg, the main town in Madison, goes by the slogan, "America's Family Community."

Naturally, they hate Obama, because he’s all black and presidenty. We found that out through the actions of their lovely Mormon children.

Fun! What kid doesn’t remember riding the school bus and chanting for the death of a newly elected president?

Uh, yeah. Second and third graders just came up with it out of thin air. They had no idea what it meant. That’s why they were chanting it. This town certainly has no history of kids doing fucked up shit.

What up Children of the Corn? What’s Malachai been up to?

Finally, let’s take another dip into White Supremacist Asshole Fuckface Lake.

Daniel Cowart, 20, is one of the skinheads who had a shockingly lame plan to kill Barack Obama and a school full of black kids. Last week he was indicted by a grand jury in Memphis with plotting to kill Obama, possessing a sawn-off shotgun, carrying guns across state lines to commit crimes and planning to rob a licensed firearms dealer. But Danny doesn’t think the indictment was fair and has asked for the indictment to be dismissed.

Damn. Tough break.

Huh. Bummer for you. Enjoy the rape house.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

The Bush presidency is in its waning days - an administration marked by scandals ranging from the firing of US attorneys for political reasons, the Plame fiasco that resulted in the conviction of Scooter Libby, to the Abramoff lobbying disaster that took down former GSA chief of staff Safavian among others.

Now that senator Ted Stevens (R, Alaska) has been convicted of seven felonies and is embroiled in a close race headed for a recount, the question arises - who will the president pardon?

In contrast to Clinton issuing 140 pardons on his last day:

If Bush decides to roll out the pardons, possible candidates include Stevens, Scooter Libby (whose sentence he commuted but conviction and hefty fine left intact), Safavian, Claude Allen (of Target shoplifting fame), and others.

He might also preemptively pardon anyone involved in Abu Ghraib, Gitmo, and the DOJ scandal (Miers, Rove) who might be convicted in the future, as Ford did with Nixon.

Bush's actions will put a finishing touch on the legacy of his presidency, so it will be interesting to see if he goes out in an uproar of controversy like Clinton did, or chooses to maintain his relatively moderate line of pardons so far.

It’s hard to figure out the worst George Bush accomplishment. It’s a smorgasbord of horrors. The Iraq War is obviously up there, as is the slaughter of the economy. But, for me, it’s the rule of law. Without law, we cannot function as a democracy. The depth of shameful decisions throughout our justice system is staggering. Obama is facing a very ugly task in trying to clean up the Department of Justice because it has been turned into a tank of unqualified, partisan, religious nuts.

This summer, the Office Of Inspector General and Office of Professional Responsibility at the Department of Justice issued a joint report about the Department of Justice’s hiring program under Bush. Turns out, it was not so great.

This is my personal favorite.

Destroyed. Papers destroyed at the Department of Justice before an investigation began! That’s not a good thing for the guys who are enforcing the law to do, right?

Now, due to this flawed hiring process, the Department of Justice is full of clowns. Monica Goodling was the religious nut selected to do the hiring. She is a graduate of Regent University and she hired people from Regent University.

Hello, theocracy! The rules for hiring were changed by Ashcroft and Gonzalez, in order to make it easier to hire fools nobody else wanted. And fools they got.

So, now Obama faces a serious situation. The Department of Justice has been turned into a partisan organization, broken the law and is full of unqualified religious nuts. It should be cleaned out like a pumpkin (and a smiley face carved into the side).

But that creates other problems. Morale usually isn’t helped by a gutting. Also, it’s not the idiot’s fault for being hired by another idiot and some of them may have actually become okay at their job. I doubt it, but it’s possible. Those who came to the Department of Justice to push their ideological agenda will not last, anyway. The rule of law and non-partisanship will return and they will not like that change. They will be driven out because they will not want to work at a job that suddenly restricts the abuse they have become accustomed to inflicting.

Even with all those reasons, Obama should gut the place. Everyday those tools remain is another day the Justice Department is on the wrong track. Too much damage has been done to repair it slowly. Because of what the Bush administration has done, the job may not be the best resume builder for young attorneys anymore. The longer the rot stays, the harder it will be to rebuild the DOJ’s reputation. A massive firing could possibly change that quickly. And besides, it ain't exactly a party up in that bitch now.

Hopefully, the tools will bail on their own and turn it into a husk. An Obama Department of Justice will look very different. We already know he will resurrect the obliterated Voting Section of the DOJ’s Civil Rights Division. Earlier this year, Obama "derailed" former Voting Section head Hans von Spakovsky’s move to the FEC.

He no likey. I could give a shit if the next Attorney General is a liberal, conservative, Democrat or Republican. I’d just like him or her to actually give a shit about the law, because it’s been eight years since we had that.

Whoever Obama picks has to investigate warrantless wiretapping, figure out the legal status of the kids at Guantanamo, torture, the firings of US attorneys and quite a lot of other Bush administration bullshit. Having the Regent idiots around when trying to do that may not be the best idea.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

There are only a few ways to stop a Lieberman. First you have to understand it. Most Liebermans were once like us. Our current Lieberman is called Joe. He moved amongst us and even tried to lead. But then one day he changed and turned into something more horrible than one could imagine. Like most Liebermans, we have reached a point where it has to be put down, for the good of the nation.

Our latest Lieberman was a nominee on the Democratic Party presidential ticket just 8 years ago. He lost –– and that is not surprising. There is usually one pivotal moment that all Liebermans experience, the one that alters their view of the world, the one that turns them from a human into a soulless creature. Some watched their parents murdered, others were tortured and many others were accidentally injected with radioactive material. For this Joe, many believe it was 9/11. After that day, they say, the Lieberman was never the same. But, in reality, the Lieberman has always been that kind of a Lieberman and should never have been chosen by Al Gore for the VP slot. This Lieberman has always been dirty at its core.

In 1998, it was so distraught by moral outrage that it took to the Senate floor and attacked then President Clinton.

This is not something that should surprise anyone who keeps a careful eye on Liebermans. They are horrible creatures. Often they travel in a pack of filth, so they don’t stand out. But this Lieberman managed to stand out from the pack with his grotesquely blatant Liebermanning.

Typical Liebermanish stuff. It also supported right wing lunatic Samuel Alito’s nomination to the Supreme Court.

Like most Liebermans, it likes to inject racism into an election.

Yes. Liebermans love to point out that their opponents are hanging with black people. But that’s just part of their game. One of the most common traits that can be found in a Lieberman is blatant lying. Here is a clip of it doing just that in the 2006 Connecticut Senate race.



Liebermans don’t care. They will do and say whatever they can in the moment to survive.



Oh, shit. That’s maybe the most classic Liebertalk, ever. Two months later, it was spewing a completely different story.

BAM! You’ve been Liebermanned! That’s what they do. They are vile, awful creatures. This Lieberman was also one of the staunchest defenders of Alberto Gonzalez, who is possibly the worst Attorney General in the history of the United States.

Yes, they are so very quaint. The Lieberman pretends to be good, while in actuality, it is evil. And it loves to threaten:

Oh, no, scary Lieberman. When it’s not threatening to leave the people it fucks over, it is fucking over the people it threatens to leave.

Thank you for that. Even though it is a "Progressive," it does everything it can to help people it is opposed to on most issues.

Most importantly, it did everything it could to help out The Dark One during the election.

Then, of course, there is its speech at the Republican National Convention. Full of lies and distortions –– against the guy he now wants to help out by remaining in positions of power.



After all that, one would expect a normal human being to accept defeat. Most humans would understand that their actions have consequences and constantly choosing the wrong side, while making threats, won’t work out if you lose. But the Lieberman is very different.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid met with the Lieberman last week and told it that it could stay in the Democratic caucus if it accepted a less important committee chairmanship, instead of the very powerful Homeland Security Committee chairmanship he currently has. It didn’t respond well to the same kind of threats it is constantly making, so it made another threat.

Aw. Now it wants everyone to just forget that it has been running around acting like a Lieberman.

Yes. It is threatening to leave the Democratic caucus if it is stripped of its Homeland Security Committee chairmanship. You know, the one it didn't use to investigate what went wrong with the response to Hurricane Katrina.

The Lieberman should understand that even if it hadn’t campaigned for The Dark One, it still didn’t do its job. As a matter of fact, it did the opposite of its job. The Lieberman is one of the main reasons The Cheney and The Bush were able to run amuck the past couple of years. This is the same creature that took to the Senate floor to attack Clinton for getting a blowjob. It actually said this:

But it did nothing to investigate anything during the Bush years. It refused to use its committee for its intended purpose.

It’s time to put The Lieberman out of its misery. It is the right thing to do. The threat is hollow. What is it going to do? Vote against the wishes of its liberal constituents? Is it going to suddenly change all the supposed liberal positions it has because it is angry? No, because it already did that. In 2006, when it lost the Democratic Connecticut primary to Ned Lamont. It really can’t behave any worse. Take its power and put it in a cage.

FearTheReaper can change his mind in a heartbeat if the Dems take the Minnesota and Alaskan Senate races. If so, he then loves Joe Lieberman. Oh, and he doesn't give a flying fuck what Obama says about The Lieberman.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Well, well, well, look who’s back. You just can’t stay away, can you? Like the taste of a good Asshole Fuckface Roundup, don’t you? You need it. You yearn for it. At this point, you’re like a heroin addict. Good thing I stocked up a nice little pile of horrible, horrible people this week. And make no mistake about it; they are truly some of the worst people ever to walk the Earth. So, put on your filth-proof robe, this is going to be ugly.

First up, a right wing Asshole Fuckface opens his mouth. Good old Glenn Beck.



Really? You’re hanging with the kind of people who were actually hoping McCain would get nominated and then die? Those are some awesome peeps you're kicking it with. But, what would I know? I'm just a crazy liberal who didn't have one friend who hoped Obama would die so Biden could take over.

Just soak this in.

"Exactly." The other guy AGREES because he's been hearing the same fucking thing!

Thanks for not saying that on the air before the election, Glenn. Mighty Christian of you. Seriously, though, you are horrible people. You make demons look good. But I’m sure Jesus would be really happy with the direction you took his teachings. Enjoy Fox News, you Asshole Fuckface.

Next up, some wonderful Asshole Fuckface Nazi comparisons.

Well, they tried tying Obama to terrorism, socialism, communism and, I think, rape. But none of that stuck and they lost the election. Now, what to do? How about whipping out the Nazi card? James Dobson sent out a fundraising email comparing the Democratic victories to the Nazi bombing of England during World War II.

Please, I’ve been waiting patiently. All this Nazi beating around the bush talk is driving me crazy.

And blah blah blah. Democrats are going to rape your women and even make boys get abortions. That’s just how they roll.

Were the Republicans done there? Oh, hell no. Don’t you people understand Obama’s going to put people in concentration camps?

Word. "Arbeit Macht Frei," is German slogan that was on the gates of several of the Nazis' concentration camps, including Auschwitz. Then he threw in a link about the Soviet’s forced labor. Asking for community participation is so very much like the Soviets and Nazis, I can barely stand it. To be specific, this is what he is talking about.

CLASSROOM CORPS!!!! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How about you Asshole Fuckfaces let him get into office and start a war before you start calling him a Nazi.

Next up, some Alaskan Asshole Fuckfacery.

I had no idea Alaska was the most fucked up and pathetic state in the nation. But after getting a glimpse of the hellhole because of Sarah Palin, Senator Ted Stevens and Congressman Don Young, I am amazed at the horrible corruptionfest Alaska has become. What a shitty excuse for a state and an even shittier excuse for lawmakers. This week, they decided just to steal their little election.

Yeah, that’s weird. Wonder how that happened? Let’s see, while the rest of the nation was voting in huge numbers on Tuesday and Alaska had seen a 12.4 percent increase in voters during the primaries, suddenly voters just dropped off the map. Never mind that the primary increase was seen BEFORE Palin was on the ticket, they just decided not to show up with their own governor as the VP candidate. Oh, and that wasn’t all.

New felon Stevens was down by huge margins in the latest polls, across the board. Same goes for Don Young. But they won!

Republicans, of course, said the turnout was low because Obama was declared president at 7:15 pm, before polls closed. And the Republican victories just happened to be across the board.

Huh. Yeah, that’s just a crazy coincidence. Thankfully, whatever kind of shit they pulled on election day may not work because of still yet to be counted early and absentee votes.

This is the same state that had more people voting in some districts than registered voters in 2004. After the Democratic Party sued to get the election data, Alaska refused to give it up because of “national security” concerns. Fuck off, you corrupt Asshole Fuckfaces. I now agree with the Alaskan Independence Party. Please secede from the United States.

Finally, some Asshole Fuckface cobweb cleaning.

Galen Winchell of Georgia was tired of looking at those cobwebs on his house. And he’s an Asshole Fuckface. A normal guy would have used a broom. Not Galen.

How'd this start?

Uh, I don't know.

Is that a blow torch in your hand?

Uh huh.

Did that start the fire?

Nah, I was just using it to clear cobwebs.

I can’t believe that didn’t work out. That’s what Home Depot says to do with torches.

I assume they were happy because the cobweb problem had been taken care of.

Also, don’t use it to cut your hair. Or to clean the upholstery in your car. Or to clean you skin. Or to groom your dog. Or to heat your fish tank.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Yesterday was like getting a blowjob followed by a kick to the balls. First Obama won the presidency. Amazing historical moment. I kept looking at the faces of African Americans on television and feeling very happy for them, even though I have no idea how they feel. We actually elected a black president, though it had little to do with skin color and everything to do with the quality of the man. But the fact that he is black is amazingly important. Then, three hours later I learned Proposition 8 in California was going down in flames. Gay people had their right to marry taken away. On one hand, we made a choice that will have an incredible positive effect for minorities and then with the other hand, we punched gays in the face.

I was furious last night. “Fuck the Mormons,” I said. “Fuck the Christians,” too. I’m not really interested in your retarded books and backwards thinking ruling my life or my neighbor’s lives. And that is a literal statement. My next-door neighbors cannot get married today, like I am. Upon further exploration of the people who voted for Prop 8, I was disturbed to learn a massive amount of black people voted to strip the rights of another minority. Today I feel like I helped a black friend buy a new television and then he turned around and smashed it over the head of my gay friend.



Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? Oh, I get that there is a lot of anti-gay sentiment in the black community, or at least that’s what has been said for years. Now we get to see it in numbers. It is indeed true. Coming from a group of people who have been on the ass end of white America for so long, I find this incredibly fucked up.

Two days ago I was sitting in an airport in San Jose, watching people passing by, wearing Obama T-shirts. I saw several black people, in their 60s, with our soon to be new president’s name across their chest. It’s hard to describe the feeling I had. Pride in my country for overcoming years of hatred and prejudice to get to this point. Feeling incredibly happy that those older African Americans were about to experience something they probably never thought possible, knowing that future generations will never look at our country the same way again. And most importantly, that everything is possible for African Americans.

Now those feelings are gone. Dashed. Destroyed. Because we nominated Barack Obama, gays cannot get married in our state. The voting was close and the turnout amongst blacks was huge. They came to support Obama in huge numbers and by a three to one margin, blacks voted to strip the rights of other Americans away.

There is no reason why gay people shouldn’t be allowed to marry. None. Other than bigotry. It simply boils down to disgust at the thought of something that has nothing to do with you. You don’t have to like someone to do the right thing. In this case, we voted to do the wrong thing and people who say otherwise are lying to themselves. There is no reason for anyone to be involved in other people’s relationships. None.

I am very upset that what should be a happy time is not. I actually feel a deep disgust with my fellow Californians today. I am deeply disappointed by California African Americans. I feel nothing by hatred for the Mormons and Christians who poured money into our state to create commercials full of lies. Many of us will never forgive them for doing so. I will certainly be boycotting Mormon businesses from here on out. Marriott hotels can fuck off forever, as well as other LDS owned companies. There is no other way to fight them. You can’t educate fanatics.

Thanks for ruining a good time, you fucks.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Louis, by the grace of God, King of France and Navarre, to all present and to come, greeting from the year 1708:



As Very Catholic Majesty Louis XIV, I consider myself a man of faith. I can’t say that I haven’t sinned in my life – Lord knows I have. But, at least I have read the Bible and I believe in Jesus Christ as he is described in the New Testament: The Son of God, who was born by a poor woman, who walked on earth and preached love and charity, who died for our sins, rose again, ascended into heaven and who will once return to judge the living and the dead for what they did to the least of his brothers and sisters.

However, every time I read about radical “Christians” in the USA, I can’t help thinking that they don’t have the same version of the New Testament. Their version seems to contain passages like this:

Don’t misunderstand me; I have started wars for myself, I’m anything but poor, and I can’t say that I have always loved my enemies. But, I’m not proud of it, and I don’t consider warmongering, wealthiness and hate “Christian values.” However, I’ve the impression that some so-called “Christians” in the U.S. do.

For many, “Christian values” seem to mean things like invading countries, bearing weapons, making money, refusing health care to the poor, dungeoning and torturing people without trial, hating gays, liberals Muslims, Latinos, and anything that isn’t Caucasian, Christian and American.

Look for example at the hate some republicans spread against Barack Obama who isn’t Caucasian (and is supposed by republican propaganda to be neither Christian nor American). Here are two examples of videos which literally claim Obama is the Antichrist:

That’s proof enough that Americans don’t have the same version of the Bible as the rest of the world. In the European versions, the word “Antichrist” doesn’t even appear in the Book of Revelations. There is a dragon, there is a beast with seven heads and the horns, there is a second beast who is lamb-like and makes people worship the first beast, and there is the Whore of Babylon –- but none of these Biblical monsters resemble an African American man in his 40s. I don’t know how and when the seven-headed beast or one of its fellows transformed into a “man in his 40s” when the Holy Bible crossed the Atlantic Ocean, but apparently it did.

More disturbing than the anatomical details of the Antichrist is the angst and the hate that these videos relay, and these YouTube examples are not isolated cases. You’ve probably heard about the crowd yelling “Kill Obama” at Republican rallies. But hate is not a privilege of Caucasian right-wing “Christians,” everybody has seen the videos of Rev. Wright’s hate-speech. Not to mention the many Americans who feel it is their patriotic and religious duty to hate all Muslims. I’ve the impression that the American “hardcore” Christianism is a religion of hate.

How can this be? Isn’t religion about love – the love of God and the love of our neighbors? Didn’t Jesus tell us to love even our enemies? Didn’t he say that the peacemakers are blessed? Didn’t he teach us that loving God and loving our neighbor are the two most important commandments?

But according to Ann Coulter, “Being nice to people is, in fact, one of the incidental tenets of Christianity.“ And some claim that even Jesus might hate Obama:



It's interesting to observe that when these “Christians” quote the Bible to justify hate and war and such, they usually quote the Old Testament, the Epistles or the Book of Revelations and avoid the Gospels. In the above video, the Reverend quotes three passages in the Bible to “prove” that God agrees with hating people :

• He quotes the Book of Revelations where Jesus appears to John and says that he hates the deeds of the Nicolaitanes -– not the Nicolaitanes themselves, but that does not hinder the Reverent from claiming that "Jesus hates these people".



• He also quotes Ecclesiastes 3:8: "A time to love and a time to hate" -– again, no mention of hating people, but hey, everybody knows that God hates people like gays and liberals and muslims and such, who needs proof.



• The only quote from the Gospels is Mark 3:5, where it is written:

This is ridiculous – Jesus was “in anger,” so what? Is anger and hate the same thing? Certainly not! I’m “in anger” with Mme de Maintenon (my wife) every once a while, but this doesn’t mean I don’t love her!

This is clearly the most hateful passage this Reverend can find in the Gospels, which are full of phrases like, “Love your enemies.” What does that mean? I think it means that there is no hate in the words of Jesus, as far as reported by eyewitnesses. It means that love is more than an “incidental tenet” of Christianity. It means that hate has nothing to do with our religion. It means that whoever preaches hate is not a Christian, no matter what he claims to be.

(Of course, I don't claim that every American Christian thinks like this. I'm sure there are many true Christians in the States, people who understand that the Gospel is about love and peace, not about hate and war.)

If only God hit back with a lightning strike or two on those who preach war, hate, and intolerance in His name… But God won’t do that -– because God doesn’t hate anybody.

Given at Versailles in the month of November, in the year of grace 1708, and of our reign the sixty sixth.

Part 1: Julie Rose and Lynda Brocchini



Shortly before going to bed at midnight last night, Julie Rose updated her Facebook status message: "Julie Rose is wondering if she will still be married in the morning."

Rose wasn't waiting for a divorce to finalize, or for her spouse to leave her. Instead, the legality of her marriage to Lynda Brocchini (her partner of a decade) was hanging in the balance, at the mercy of California voters deciding on the fate of Proposition 8. If passed, Prop 8 would amend the State Constitution to ban same-sex unions such as theirs.

Today, even with some three to four million absentee ballots yet to be counted, Prop 8 still looks to be on the road to passing in California, with 52.5% in favor and 47.5% against the measure at press time. San Francisco, Los Angeles and Santa Clara County (the latter where the bulk of Silicon Valley is based) have already joined forces in filing a petition with the California Supreme Court for a writ of mandate to invalidate Prop 8, so the fight isn't even close to being over. But for families like Rose and Brocchini, who share a three-year-old son named Dylan and have had no less than five different commitment ceremonies together (including one performed by San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom himself), this is a truly difficult and disheartening moment.

"It's hard, because there's all this talk of, 'Yes we can,' and change," says Rose, "But for a group of us, it doesn't feel all there."

Proposition 8 was endorsed and largely funded by individuals and organizations with ties to religious groups such as the Roman Catholic Church and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

"What kills me is that the people funding [Prop 8] are people who say that say they are religious people and all of these churches, the Catholic church and the Mormon church that threw all this money behind this, claim to be Christian people," Rose observes. "I can see why the 'No on 8' people would throw a lot of money behind it, because you're fighting for your rights. But these 'Yes on 8' people who threw millions and millions of dollars that they spent to take rights away from us, why aren't they spending it trying to help poor children or feed people or build houses for people or help third world countries? Isn't that what Christianity is supposed to be about? Helping people, not trying to hurt people?

"If I belonged to a church and I gave money to that church thinking it was to feed people who were hungry or homeless and then I found out that they were using it on a political campaign to take rights away from somebody, I don't know how happy I would be about that."

For the past seven years, Rose has worked for Levi Strauss & Co., the San-Francisco-based company that made history in 1992 by being the first Fortune 500 company to extend its domestic partner medical benefits program to same-sex couples. But even that doesn't have equal advantage to married couples, as she explains.

"I don't get to claim married medical benefits, so all the benefits that they pay for my partner medically, I get taxed on as income. And we had to go to an attorney to have all of this complicated paperwork drawn up –– a married couple, even if they got a trust put together, they pay one fee for the trust. Well, we had to pay for each of us, so twice as much. There's a lot of real, concrete benefits that you don't get.

"In California, domestic partnership laws after AB205 are very good. But also there's the whole 'separate but equal' argument, saying, 'Well, why do you need the word marriage if you have everything else?' But why can't we have the word marriage? Why should it be good enough that we should get a subclass of the same thing? The word shouldn't just be used for one group of people. If they were running around and saying that black people couldn't say they were married, or interracial marriages could only say that they were civil unions, people would think they were ridiculous."

While the battle for Prop 8 continues, so does this family's strength and devotion to the idea that this story will have a happy ending.

"Our son gets really excited when he sees our wedding pictures," she adds. "He thinks it was so great because he was at [two] of them, and he says, 'Mommies are married!' It's not like he's old enough that I could even begin to explain [Prop 8] to him, but I'm hoping he's not going to remember a time when we weren't legally married."

Yes we can…but will we? Obama challenges the cynics, but are we really wrong?

On Tuesday, Chicago's Grant Park flooded with a myriad of Obama enthusiasts to hear his acceptance speech and echo his refrain of hope and change: "Yes we can." The speech was not merely a gracious acceptance of Obama's decisive presidential win, but also a nod to the historic milestone of his successful campaign and admonishment to those who doubted American's capacity for evolution. "If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer." The crowd reveled in this joyous, momentous occasion, and blogs and newspapers alike attributed that message –– "Yes we can" –– as a sign of more change to come.

I was born about a mile from Chicago's Grant Park during a serious economic recession much like the one we are mired in today. My father, a college graduate who was unable to get a job amidst the turmoil, turned to selling drugs in the very neighborhood that Obama calls his home. My mother stayed home with me and battled severe and worsening mental illness, which even if we had possessed health insurance, would not have been covered. Despite these setbacks however, my parents both struggled to find and keep work, and with the help of Pell Grants and scholarships, I was able to go to a university of my choice in California.

President-elect Barack Obama has made progressive issues like health care and education, issues that so acutely affected my family, the cornerstone of his campaign, but at the same time he recognizes that above all pulling this country out of economic crisis will color the first years of his presidency. "There are mothers and fathers who will lie awake after their children fall asleep and wonder how they'll make the mortgage, or pay their doctor's bills, or save enough for college. There is new energy to harness and new jobs to be created; new schools to build and threats to meet and alliances to repair." His plans for economic revival through investment in clean energy and infrastructure repair are innovative and show foresight that goes far beyond his four or eight year administration.

But while Obama's policies might be the change we need, choked-up excitement at an acceptance speech or even Obama's election as a whole does not automatically foretell success for his progressive legislation. Obama told us on Tuesday to "summon a new spirit of patriotism; of service and responsibility where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves, but each other." And as onlookers teared up and waved their flags, California began tallying the votes that would decisively smash two green initiatives –– Props 7 and 10 –– and uphold a constitutional amendment that would disallow same sex marriage. Californians also said no to Prop 5, which would have expanded drug rehabilitation facilities for juvenile offenders and decrease sentences and parole for nonviolent drug offenders (like my father).

Yes on 8 activists (the proposition that bans same sex marriage) consistently used footage of San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom prophetically saying, "As goes California, so goes the nation," and the prophecy is frightening. If California, bluest of blue states, can’t pass green initiatives or drug crime reform, will Barack Obama be able to inspire a wary, financially distraught nation to invest in clean energy? Health care? Higher education? Barack Obama says, "Yes, we can," and though his election shows that Americans can vote for change, it also shows we must ask another question –– Will we?

And though I was able to go to college and start my career, my family continues to struggle. My father has changed careers twice as a result of his tech job being shipped overseas and struggles with debt accumulated from the subsequent unemployment. Will we help him? My mother, despite the fact that Congress recently passed a measure forcing insurance companies to cover mental illness the same as physical illness, will still be more likely to get the costly treatment for her liver cirrhosis than the condition that drove her to drink. Will we treat her?

I will never underestimate Barack Obama's ability to surprise us. Just a year ago he was a long shot candidate for the Democratic Party with too many factors working against him –– his blackness, his inexperience, and his so-called "liberal" agenda. Only a candidate like Obama could bring a nation together under the progressive reforms we will need to see us out of our economic, environmental, and international crises, but his ability to accomplish this affords little guarantee this will occur.

Will we?

It's a whole new world –– I'd say "thank God" if I believed in him –– but instead I'll thank a higher power: those who braved the long lines and voted!

Thank you! (I'm sure the rest of the world thanks you too!)

It's a great night for democracy, an even better night for Obama, and an overwhelming referendum for reason.

Even as they drown in the anger of platoons of pissed-off voters, Republican operatives are swiping ballots with both hands.

Let's start in Georgia. It's here where the sick little vulture named Saxby Chambliss won the US Senate seat six years ago by calling his Democratic opponent, a guy who'd lost three limbs in Vietnam, a friend of Osama bin Laden.

There's no way in hell that Chambliss can slime his way back into the Senate in the face of over half a million newly registered voters (Black and young –– 69% for Obama) without jacking them out of their votes. That's what the Republicans are up to. Right now. As we speak.

Over 50,000 the new voters in Georgia have been blocked from voting by using a nasty little new law, the Help America Vote Act signed by George Bush. (Bush is helping us vote - look out!)

I just got this from Christina Rush in the Peach Pit state:

And no one is going to listen to you or the other 50,000 dumped voters in Georgia.

I've been studying this all year with my co-investigator, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Here's what we know is going to happen: While Obama is brushing his tux for his Inaugural, six million votes are getting disappeared.

The good news: it won't save them. The GOP is toast. Paint the White House black and blue.

But the steal may save the GOP's ability to savage, obstruct, sabotage and fuck with President Obama's ability to repair the damage of eight years of looting by the unelected junta of the Bush regime. They begin with the theft of the Georgia Senate seat. Will there be others?

Watch this space tonight. We've got a network out there from Florida to Alaska reporting in on the states they're shoplifting as the electorate sweeps them out the door.

Greg Palast
9:45pm EST

This is what will occur today. There will be no deviating from this prediction. I am NostradaReaper.

In order of when the states are called:

Kentucky goes first to McCain.
New Hampshire and Vermont go to Obama.
South Carolina goes to McCain.

The first hammer drops: Virginia goes to Obama.

Everyone is freaking out because Indiana is still too close to call. Someone at Fox News goes out for a bottle of scotch.

Hammer #2: Florida goes to Obama.

Election is declared over for McCain by the pundits at 8:30 pm.

Georgia and West Virginia go to McCain.
Hammer #3: Ohio goes to Obama.

Nobody notices the total absence of Ann Coulter on the news anymore.

Alabama, Kansas, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Texas and Tennessee go to McCain.

Many Christians think Jesus is turning this shit around. They are wrong – but what else is new?

Connecticut, Delaware, DC, Illinois, all of Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, New Jersey and Pennsylvania go to Obama.

It’s so over. Obama cracks a beer. So do his daughters.

Then come the surprises.

North Carolina, Indiana and North Dakota go to Obama. Pundits are talking Reagan. A couple think, “He’s the black Reagan,” but nobody says it out loud.

Arkansas goes to McCain. No one really notices.

Lou Dobbs brings up Obama’s illegal immigrant aunt.

Louisiana, Nebraska, South Dakota and Wyoming are immediately called for McCain. But, wait, there’s a surprise. Obama picks up one electoral vote out of Nebraska. It’s the most talked about electoral vote in the history of electoral votes. Chris Mathews shits his pants, bursts a blood vessel in his eyes and starts bleeding from his belly button.

Colorado is a disaster. Lawsuits are filed to keep polls open. Angry Obama supporters who were removed from voter rolls are gathering in the streets. Riot police are called in.

New York, Rhode Island, Wisconsin, Minnesota and New Mexico are called for Obama. It’s a rout. Someone says, “Booooyaa.”

Missouri too close to call. No one cares. They can’t believe what has happened.

Arizona is too close to call. OH MY GOD. Pundits freaking out. McCain might lose his home state.

Iowa and Nevada are called for Obama.

Idaho and Utah are called permanently for white Republicans. They will no longer vote in elections and will always be considered a "gimme."

California, Hawaii, Oregon, Montana and Washington are called for Obama. A white guy in Florida shoots his black neighbor.

It’s officially over. The Colorado almost riot turns to a party.

Rush Limbaugh takes another Viagra. He's going to fuck the pain away.

Arizona goes to McCain. No one is paying attention.

Alaska, Missouri and Colorado aren’t coming in until late in the morning, but nobody cares. Still, they can’t believe how close Alaska is.

Sarah Palin makes the most horrifying speech in the history of politics.


FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Spirituality is a wonderful thing. I have my reservations about religion though. Although some think it's one in the same, I do not. In fact, I think we'd be better off if we all thought that way. Who's to say whose God is the right one to worship? If you pick the wrong one, are you going to be damned even if you live a good life? And what if your deity tells you to do one thing while another tells someone else that you are misguided? With all the strife in the world and all the conflict it causes, I have to wonder... at what point does religion hinder us?

For the last 10 years of my life, I've been pretty non-religious in my personal life. I have spoken out in subtle ways, putting deliberate lyrics out on my albums Short Bus, Title of Record and The Amalgamut that hinted at the beliefs and questions I have on the topic. Something that has always comforted me, as an American, was that the United States was founded on the ideals of FREEDOM: Freedom of religion and freedom of speech. But the reality is, if we do not adhere to the mainstream ideals of religion, we might not feel free to speak our minds.

When I am talking openly about my thoughts on the subject, some people roll their eyes in disgust, like I'm some kind of an asshole because I don't believe like they do. In times of trouble, I turn to what I consider to be my Higher Power-not a higher BEING but a higher POWER...which is the incredible power of nature. So I understand this need to believe in something greater than oneself. But THEIR religion is not MY answer. What's wrong with that?

Now why is this guy brining up THIS topic on the Suicide Girls site, you may be asking yourself right about now... and the reason is: Bill Maher's Religulous and the movie W. Two great new films, which moved me to speak my mind about religion, its unfortunate place in our government, and how -- depending on your perspective -- it might not be such a good thing for the planet.

Many years ago, peasants were stealing from each other and murderers were running rampant throughout the world. To deal with the mayhem, rulers came to the conclusion that putting the fear of God in the masses would keep them in line. Organized religion started as a way for those in power to get what they needed from the people. It's true to this day. Barack Obama was right on when he said that people on the outskirts of society, in rural areas, cling to their guns and religion. And I think that's a scary thing.

Modern organized religion just seems like a lot of hypocrisy to me. Not one religion can prove that they alone are right. Similarly none are blameless –– I mean, how many deaths have been caused by religion? Can you name one religion where people haven't died in its name?

The 19 hijackers on 9/11 read something in the Koran, declared Jihad and decided that Americans should die. Their religion was the catalyst for them to do something insane. When a right-to-lifer blows up an abortion clinic, they do it in the name of God. Save a life by taking lives? In the name of religion? Hitler killed the Jews (and other people who weren't like him, for that matter), and Christians killed people who were Christian –– but weren't the right kind –– during the Spanish Inquisition. I think religion is clouding everyone's thinking. When George W. Bush started saying, "God has spoken to me," and used this belief as an excuse to go to war with Iraq, many Christians in this country were nodding their heads and saying, "YES!"

If someone I knew said that God told him to pick a fight with someone, I would smack him in the face to snap him out of it. That's the same reason why I wouldn't make big decisions based on the advice of someone who uses an Ouija board or who believes in astrology, because it's dangerous.

I have a religious Christian friend who says the world is 6000 years old, and carbon dating is fake and unreliable –– faked by thousands of scientists and universities all over the world. He chooses to ignore the geological proof of evolution and the fact that this planet is billions of years old, scientifically speaking, because it's so overwhelmingly against the Christian version of the story. This friend of mine says that God created man out of sand in seven days... and this is coming from a 26-year-old man.

Religion blinds to the point of irrationality. It also conveniently dehumanizes. In California, we have a bill on the ballot known as Proposition 8, which deals with whether or not gay people can marry. I get calls daily from different people who have different opinions on the subject. The religious people seem to have a problem with homosexuality –– same-sex people in love –– though Jesus supposedly preached love above all else. Just because some people interpret a book to say that it's wrong for two same-sex people to be in love, our government tries to deny those people's fundamental rights to live peacefully and equally.

And then we have a religious book, the Koran, that says women should be treated like second-class citizens. They should have to cover themselves from head to toe with burkas. They should only be wives and mothers. They can't drive a car. They can't vote. In most Arab countries, they have no voice at all. It's like they don't exist. All in the name of religion. The same religion that inspires the Jihadists to bring down big, bad America.

I mean, what is all of this saying to our youth? I have a daughter. I want her to grow up knowing she can be who she is -- whoever she turns out to be -- and can do whatever she wants to do in life. Can't we put these religious texts in CONTEXT?

At times, I find myself on my knees, begging for something good to happen but wondering whom to beg. I would be really happy if there was a paradise after we die, but I don't think any of us should have to wait. My family, my friends, my planet, this should be our paradise NOW. This ain't the dress rehearsal people. This is the SHOW! We need to stop waiting for the man in the sky to take care of everything, let's do it OURSELVES. Let's do it NOW!


Richard Patrick is the frontman for the rock band Filter. Their latest album, Anthems for the Damned, which features the single "Soldiers of Misfortune," is in stores now. A download-only collection of Anthems tracks re-worked, titled Remixes for the Damned, will be available online from November 4. The band are currently on tour. Click HERE for more info.

The election is upon us. Today may be the largest turnout for a presidential election is US history. Many people are predicting 130 million voters will turn out, which is unprecedented. The large turnout will happen for two reasons: The first is Barack Obama’s Barack Obamaness. He is the most talented and gifted politician we have ever seen, and he will be our first black president, which has increased voting among minorities to a level never before seen. The second reason for the rise in voters is straight up stupidity. The other side is frightened of Obama because they literally have piles of shit where their brains should be.

I know, I know. This is a new day. I should be kinder and be a good winner. To that I say, “Go eat a dick.” You are a herd of Neanderthals who need to pick up a book (besides the one) and maybe switch to a different news channel. The enormous amount of absolute horseshit many Republicans believe is nothing short of astounding.

Let’s start with the Muslim rumor. How fucking dumb do you have to be to believe Obama attended an anti-American Christian black church AND that he’s a Muslim? Can you please hit yourself in the head with a pipe, you horrendous vacancy of a human? A recent poll found that 23% of Texans believe Obama is a Muslim.

None of you should be allowed to vote. You should be deported to Idiotistan. Or better yet, we should give Texas back to Mexico. For free. Just take it. Not only did you give George W. Bush to the world, but you are apparently becoming dumber. Emails are not fact, they are letters, written by an asshole you know, which should give you more pause. If I believed every email my father sent, I would be locked up in a halfwit farm. There is zero evidence showing Obama is a Muslim. Zero.

Next up, people who think Obama is a socialist should give themselves a home lobotomy. At least you would then have an excuse for being such an ignorant asshole. Your complete lack of understanding of different types of governments is nothing short of shocking. You are so simpleminded I’m surprised your dogs don’t feed you, instead of vise versa. According to your definition of “socialism,” EVERY country on the face of the Earth is socialist. That’s how fucking stupid you are. If you believe “spreading the wealth” is socialism, you just called Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan and Dwight Eisenhower socialists. You should have a sixth grade civics book crammed up your anus. You should not be allowed near a ballot.

Next, many people actually believe Barack Obama is a communist.

There is a significant group of Americans who actually believe Obama is a communist. They are beyond hope, beyond redemption. They are a stain on humanity. Here is their leader.



Wow. The only thing Victoria Jackson has less of than talent is intelligence. This is what happens when you only read the Bible and listen to Fox News. Oh, and watch 1984 and think that someone “being on TV a lot” equals 1984. Calling Barack Obama a communist is indefensible. I honestly don’t know how someone can be this obtuse and exist in the world. They are the enemies of intelligence, and therefore the enemies of democracy. Morons like Victoria Jackson should be feared far more than terrorists because they are more dangerous.

Next up, Obama pals around with terrorists. They are, of course, speaking of William Ayers.

Aside from the ridiculous use to the word “pals” to describe Barack Obama’s association with William Ayers, the idiots who use this phrase have gone with the plural. Terrorists. There’s an “S” on the end. As in, “Stupid,” “Simpleton,” and “Shitbrain.” Either that or William Ayers is going to split into two different humans soon. The connection is so far fetched, anyone using it as an excuse not to vote for Obama suffers from a medical condition known as “fuck pie brain.”

Insects should look down upon you. The constant use of the phrase, “Obama should come clean about his connections with Ayers” is so sophomoric and pathetic it is astounding. Why don’t you come clean about your goat fucking?

See how that works, you colossal fucking moron?

Of course, you idiots then take it a step further: Barack Obama is a terrorist. Really? I mean, you seriously allow that to escape from your mouth, without a tinfoil hat on your head or following it up with, “Corn is murder!”

Do you even know what a terrorist is? What has he blown up, I mean, besides today’s popular vote? And how do you survive being so dumb When you eat, do you just cram food into your mouth without chewing and then wonder why you can’t breathe? Because that’s what you do with thoughts and facts.

Many of you tools actually believe Obama is a Muslim terrorist plant who wasn’t born in the US. You actually think he was born elsewhere, because his birth certificate is “fake.” See, terrorists foresaw 47 years into the future and planted a mole baby. They knew that the baby would succeed and become president because he was black and had a crazy Muslim sounding name. That’s just how America works. Idiots write this nonsense. I’ve seen the emails and the comments attached. Many of these insults to the human race actually believe a story that is almost as fantastical as the story of Jesus. They are literally people who do not have the ability to feel embarrassment.

Oh, and how about the fact that Obama kills babies? Not just the kind that are aborted as fetuses, but actual babies. You idiots actually believe Obama supports infanticide and burning children alive. I think when he is finished killing babies he eats them. Some he puts on stakes around his home to ward off pro-lifers.

Anyone who believes just a fraction of any of the above ideas is an embarrassment to Democracy and humanity. Even though Obama will clearly win today’s election, it has made us stare directly into the face of the mass of American idiots and say, “What the fuck?” There is a massive group of voters in the country who are shockingly stupid. They believe Obama is a terrorist, communist, socialist, Muslim, baby killing, heretical Christian. Please combine two of those accusations and see how they work.

Know many Muslim communists? No? How about socialist terrorists? Are they a big danger to America? How about baby killing socialists? No? Communist heretical Christians? No? What about heretical Christian Muslims? What about baby mole socialists? How about baby killing baby mole terrorists?

Even though this election will be a sound thrashing, it also confirms how many Americans are a complete waste of skin.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters.

Image courtesy of the New Yorker.

Sweet Asshole Fuckface Saturday. Many people don’t know that Asshole Fuckfaces actually have a peculiar odor about them. Many have described it as “a hobo dipped in vinegar” kind of smell. Others have said it is like, “the anus of an over-heated cougar.” Either way, they just don’t smell pleasant. And yet, many don’t see them coming and they are able to inflict their Asshole Fuckfacery. It’s truly disturbing. This week the creepy bastards did some impressive work, so put on your favorite tarp, this is going to be ugly.

We have a massive influx of Asshole Fuckfaces in California right now. They are all here because of Proposition 8, which will take away the rights of gay people to marry. They are lying to, and scaring Californians into voting for this heinous proposition.

Just one example of the kind of shit they are saying is right here. Meet Brad Dacus, blathering at a rally in Sacramento.



Really great point. The whole Nazi thing is nearly identical to gays getting married. First men are giving each other massages at the end of a long workday, then they are rounding up and killing all the Jews. Oh, and speaking of the holocaust, quite a few gay people were killed by the Nazis. Over 100,000 gay men were arrested and 50,000 were put into prisons. Thousands were castrated. Between 5,000 and 15,000 were sent to concentration camps, where many died.

But, yeah, Brad, good point. I mean, for a complete Asshole Fuckface.

Oh, and I’d like to throw a special Asshole Fuckface mention to baseball player Jeff Kent, who decided to give $15,000 to the Yes on 8 campaign. Congrats on finally doing something worse than putting on a Dodger uniform. Didn’t think it was possible.

And finally, I’d like to throw a blanket Asshole Fuckface nod to 59,000 Mormons. The Mormons, mostly from Utah, have contributed $22.88 million to Yes on 8. They’ve also given $6.9 million to pass a similar law in Arizona. Dear Mormons, you’re fucking with something that has nothing to do with you. If it works, we will remember. Too bad gays marrying each other is bad, but you buggering underage girls, who you just made your 4th wife, isn’t. But what do I know? I don’t worship a lunatic who was shown a bunch of golden plates by an angel in New York.

Next up, some awesome Southern political Asshole Fuckfacery.

Republicans are becoming Clownicans right in front of our eyes. Take Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. He’s been rapidly dropping in the polls in the Kentucky Senate race. So, his camp decided on a little devious activity.

During a debate last week with Democrat Bruce Lunsford, a McConnell aid put a tape recorder on Lunsford’s podium. They were hoping to catch an off the mic remark by Lunsford. This was a blatant violation of the rules and it went unnoticed until after the debate. When Lunsford handed his papers to his staff, they noticed the recorder and immediately erased it. End of story, right? Republicans did something wrong and it didn’t work, so they will obviously walk away and not make a fuss, right? Well, no. They are amazing Asshole Fuckfaces.

Um. You violated the rules. You taped something you were not supposed to tape. You guys do know what rules are, right?

Asshole Fuckfaces of the highest caliber. The recorder was returned, after the debate was erased. The local sheriff said he would not press charges.

Next up, some good old fashioned Asshole Fuckface racism.

This may surprise you, but this racism story has nothing to do with Barack Obama. Last week, 22-year-old Keith Slater bought a pair of shoes from the Journeys, a store in Overland Park, Kansas. The next day, he found a cheaper pair at another store and decided to return the shoes to Journeys.

Yeah, that’s the thing about Asshole Fuckfaces, you don’t actually have to do anything. The store manager has apologized and the employee who put "Dumb Nigger" in the computer was fired.

Next, a trip to England for some jolly Asshole Fuckfacery japes.

Tracy Holt, 43, of Grossport, Hampshire is not a good mommy. The ghost of a dockworker has possessed her 13-year-old daughter and it ain’t pretty.

Well, that’s good. When Mom found out Sam had lost her virginity at the age of 12, she handled it well.

That’ll teach her! What else is the 13-year-old up to?

Yes, discipline, like she gets at home.

That should do it. I think it was Dr. Laura who first came up with the old cigarette switcharoo trick. Poor kid, it’s like living with a discipline Nazi. She should do well in life.

Yeah, that won't get out of control.

Finally, this is just fantastic.



The McCain campaign summed up in one minute and thirteen seconds.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters. Come see him at the San Jose Improv this evening and tomorrow.

I know. It’s shocking. But, I keep hearing it. The guy can still lose this thing, even though when you look at the electoral map, he is kicking the shit out of Old School. Even though he is gaining in Bush red states like Ohio, Florida, Colorado and Nevada. Even though he has an insurmountable lead in the McCain must win state of Pennsylvania. He can still lose.

Here are reasons you should be scared.

THE BRADLEY EFFECT

Oh my God. So fucking scary.

The Bradley Effect is named after Los Angeles Mayor Tom Bradley. It is the reason Bradley lost two elections. Apparently, people will tell pollsters they are undecided or voting for the black guy, but when they get into the voting booth they vote for the white guy. It’s a disturbing thing to think about. And you should be very, very afraid, according to the general election pollster for the guy who defeated Tom Bradley.

Scary stuff. There's always a dark, shadowy situation when dealing with black people.

So, definitely watch out for that. Honestly, I don’t know how Obama overcomes something as mythical as Bigfoot.

OCTO...er..NOVEMBER SURPRISE

Oh noes! It will just take one crazy surprise and this fucker is over. For instance, terrorists could blow something up, like a truck or a shovel. Then everybody will switch over to the guy who has seemed erratic and unstable during EVERY SINGLE CRISIS since the election race began. Look, when terrorists strike, people always say to themselves, “I want a very old guy who is nuts and angry, with a unknowledgeable lady idiot backing him up, to handle this shit.” It’s just how things go. So, when terrorists blow up a hat, you can turn out the lights for Obama.

VOTER FRAUD

So many close states ripe for Republican thievery. They’re going to steal it in every one! Obama has to be up by at least 6 points to win!

Look, it’s really, really easy to steal an election by stealing it in 14 or so states. That’s why the Republicans focused their stealing energy on one state in 2000 (Florida) and one state in 2004 (Ohio). Thievery works best when you do it on a massive and blatant scale.

CLOSE, CLOSE RACES

This is terrifying! We’ve been here before, haven’t we? Obama is barely ahead in sooo many states.

- Virginia: Obama up 51 percent to 47 percent.
- Colorado: Obama up 50 percent to 46 percent.
- Missouri: McCain up 48 percent to 47 percent.
- Ohio: Obama up 49 percent to 45 percent.
- North Carolina: McCain up 49 percent to 48 percent.
- Florida: Obama up 51 percent to 47 percent.
- New Hampshire: Obama up 50 percent to 46 percent.

I almost just shit myself writing that. Obviously if it’s close, McCain will win every one of those states – which is what he has to do to win. And Bush won most of those states, so even though Obama is surging in them, McCain will win then. Obama is doomed!

COMPLACENCY

AHHHHHHHH! Why aren’t people going to fucking vote! After 8 years of the most dreadful president in the history of the US, facing an economic disaster, a housing crisis, a costly failure of a war, the first black Democratic nominee and a massive increase in Democratic registrations and people are going to be complacent because they think Obama has it in the bag. What the fuck?

Fucking complacency. Obama is fucked.

Oh, and there are more reasons. Obama will probably say something stupid these last four days. Like, “Where the white women at?” Or Jesus will return, point at McCain and say, “Now that guy is the shit!” Or, Biden could take a kitten up on stage and rips its head off with his bare hands, drink the blood and then fornicate with the torso. Or Sarah Palin could….uh….uh…wait. Maybe this is over.

Maybe this late in the race everyone should step back and take a look at the big picture. A black man, with a Muslim sounding name, who has only been in the Senate for two years, who is a Democrat, who believes in many liberal policies, who was opposed to the Iraq War from the beginning and who did cocaine in his younger years, is ahead in all the polls. That doesn’t happen to a guy who is going to lose. It shows the quality he brings.

Two years ago, if you had told me a guy with all that baggage would be ahead at time I would have laughed at you. People have chosen. A massive victory will occur on Tuesday. Massive.

FearTheReaper is a writer, actor and stand up comedian. Check back each Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for more from FearTheReaper and read his blog, Stop All Monsters. Come see him at the San Jose Improv this Saturday and Sunday.

Suicide Girls is working with award-winning journalist Greg Palast to promote his campaign to make sure your vote counts on Election Day. Palast and activist, attorney, broadcaster and writer Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. teamed up to investigate how those who would call themselves patriots have plotted to steal your vote, and have penned an adult comic/voter guide, entitled Steal Back Your Vote, to help combat the widespread vote suppression they found.

We spoke with Greg Palast (see Suicide Girls interview), who encourages readers to be proactive to make sure your votes aren't just cast, but are counted too. Like one in five Coloradans, if you do find your name missing from electoral roles, Palast gives the SG massive some excellent tips on how you can get your vote restored (and cautions against allowing yourself to be fobbed off with a "bouncing, bogus" provisional ballot).

"One thing I like about Suicide Girls...You're talking to a group of people who are like in your face. Women who don't want to eat shit and are proud of themselves. Well now let's extend that to voting," says Palast. "They don't want you to vote. You're a young new voter, they got all kinds of goddamn rules to make sure you don't vote. They don't like you. They don't want you there. OK, well get in their face. You gotta vote because they don't want you to. You got to vote early because they're trying to screw you and you gotta screw 'em back. So they steal your vote, you steal it back."

Click HERE to get a free downloadable copy of the Steal Back Your Vote comic.

Click HERE to read our interview with Greg Palast.

Click HERE to see Sash Suicide and Rigel Suicide on GregPalast.com.

Leave your questions and stories of your voting experiences in the comments section below. Palast has promised to check back in and respond. And look out for Palast's election night blogs here on the SG newswire.